Second City News

2007-01-12T13:04:00.001-08:00

Smooth Wooden Ball Interview with Kathy Griffin

2007-01-12T12:56:00.000-08:00

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News, with Kathy Griffin. Welcome to the show Kathy.

KG: Thank you Smooth Wooden Ball for having me.

SWB: Sure thing. Something a little different here. We've got Kathy's headshot on the screen instead of her computer image because she didn't have any make up or hair people here.

KG: My team wasn't informed so, I wasn't able to get my hair weave, my tapes in my head. You know they can put tape on your head now to give you a face-lift with scotch tape and rubberbands.

SWB: Well, now with that out of the way, I wanted to ask you why the red hair?

KG: Smooth Wooden Ball, red is funny; I am funny. I should be red.

SWB: Do you ever have Brooke over to the house and do each other's hair?

KG: Brooke came over to the house about a week ago. And like usual, we just got into another bitter catfight. We tried to resolve it, but it was about who is prettier. And I'm sticking to my guns and going with me.

SWB: How would the "Blue Lagoon" have been different if you had been in the starring role?

KG: Probably would have been hotter, a little sexier.

SWB: It probably wouldn't have been the PG rating.

KG: It would have been closer to my earlier porn work.

SWB: Okay. I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my place here. Here, here's something that I was thinking about. You know, there are so many things on cable television. Is there any way to keep track of what's on and what's going to be on in the future? I mean, how does somebody do that?

KG: You mean like, I don't know, the cable guide?

SWB: Yeah, what's....

KG: The cable guide is a very important periodical. It guides you through cable.

SWB: Oh, I see.

KG: Yeah. So, you look it up. If you want to know what's on cable, you get a guide, and then it tells you what to watch and when. And how to feel about it. I understand that their sales have gone through the roof in the past few months.

SWB: I don't know what that's.......

KG: Subscriptions.

SWB: But the cable guide has nothing to do with how to hook up the cable.

KG: No. That's for the cable man.

SWB: Oh, the cable man guide.

SWB: What do you think your first starring role in a made for TV movie will be?

KG: I think that I'll be a raging bulimic who is married to a man who doesn't know. Then when he finds out he'll leave me, and I'll join a women's consciousness raising group. I'll get over my bulimia and help teens.

SWB: Who would be your male interest in that?

KG: Matty Lawrence.

SWB: Is that one of the Lawrence brothers?

KG: Uh-huh

SWB: Which one?

KG: I think the cuter one.

SWB: Who's about eleven?

KG: I think so.

SWB: That's a little bit illegal.

KG: Well, if that's how you want to think about it. You know, in Denmark they don't think about those things.

SWB: Well, Kathy, thanks for being on the show.

KG: Thanks, Smooth.

July 1997

2007-01-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

7/01/97

Uncle Sam Wants You and You and You. . .

The Army this week, overseeing a sexual misconduct case against Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, one of its top enlisted men, says it might seek to have the defendant's original accuser recalled to active duty to force her to testify. In a press release, a spokesman added, "She's been forced to listen to unwelcome sexual advances, so I figure being forced to testify is right up her alley...if you know what I mean."

French Honor Seaman

Thousands of people led by President Jacques Chirac gathered on Monday to honor the memory of undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau. Said Chirac of Cousteau, "No one loved Jacques more than Jacques Chirac. Your departure is a heart share. You're leaving a grieving. You're letting go a blow. So Cousteau, even though you must go, it is up here, as below, a slow, slow sorrow." Chirac then wept with the others (but for different reasons) and asked to be excused.

Diet Yourself

In technology news, a woman has lost 10 pounds in just four days. How did she do it, in a natural way, without cravings for junk food? She used a new medical phenomenon called Slender Secret and it's a juice therapy that takes pounds off the natural way- (Cheryl) Carl, are you pitching a product? (Carl) I'm not 'pitching' anything, Cheryl. I'm just keeping our viewers informed about the latest advances in weight-loss technology- (Cheryl) Carl, this is unethical. (Carl) Christ, a guy wants a little walking around money.

Billion-err?

Billionaire and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen exercised his option to buy the Seattle Seahawks Monday for roughly $200 million. Allen then unveiled plans to change the team's name, faces, and identities; installing electricity sockets into their pelvises, thus creating a kindred of human conduits that will power the ensuing regiment of conquering androids. "These flesh-plugs will serve Microsoft well," lisped Allen in his trademark pansy-like whine. "I shall rival only pinkish tanned and off-white messiah Bill Gates in my duplicity!"

Whopper Topper?

McDonald has introduced a new sandwich, called the Quarter Pounder Big and Tasty, which sells for 99 cents and includes lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. A McDonalds' spokesman said, "I understand it's a good burger. It may sound a lot like a whopper but it is different. We put the charbroiled stripes on the bun, not the burger. So it looks like the thing is in prison."

Ghost Writer?

According to a report from actress and friend Marsha Mason, screenwriter Gary DeVore has been missing without a trace since Friday. Gary's wife, Wendy, is offering a $10,000 reward for the writer of Raw Deal, Passenger 57, Timecop and Sudden Death. Police say they haven't found a clue, but add with a list of movie credits like his, it was only a matter of time before he disappeared.

"Crook" Chased From L.A.

The syndicated talk show "Crook and Chase" is heading back to the rundown shanty it crawled out of after a four-month sojourn in Los Angeles that left the hillbilly show bleeding from its mouthful of missing teeth. While it landed a morning slot in Los Angeles, it never managed to break into New York and other major markets that it couldn't spell if you gave it an atlas.

Sound Bites

Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness Monday in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomist Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"

Rounding First

Seattle Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. was the top vote-getter in the All-Star Game, earning his eighth consecutive appearance with 3,514,340 votes. Griffey, who has been on injured reserve, unable to throw a ball for the last nine days due to filling out 3,514,220 All Star ballots, said, "I just want to thank that guy who filled out the remaining 120. Otherwise, I might be out for the whole season."

Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, coming to you live from the pre-Ryder Cup tailgate party. We’re boiling a few bratwursts and frankfurters in preparation for this piquant event, and my chums are hoisting a few pints in anticipation. But now on to your American football.

Ta plus Ta equals a congenial farewell from your unassuming footman, Chadwyre R. Dickens.

7/02/97

Jewell Of Denial

Richard Jewell, security guard and exonerated Olympic bombing suspect, said he has abandoned his dream of becoming a police officer. "I'm ruined," he said. "No police chief wants someone working for them that has had the press that I've had." Police chiefs receiving Jewell's employment application said that, no, they just couldn't hire him due to the excessive costs of widening all the precinct's halls and doorways.

Reshoot

Police have revisited the house where JonBenet Ramsey was killed to re-photograph some areas and conduct "role-playing" to test various scenarios. "You should see Jerry when he puts on the summery hat and the lipstick and dances around. I swear, he could win a beauty pageant," said one proud investigator, his round face beaming with pride.

It's A Gas, Gas, Gas

Scientists at the Minneapolis Veterans Administration Hospital are studying what causes flatulence odor and what can be done to eliminate it. Dr. Michael Levitt revealed that the study has been revealing that, "With flatulence, generally you will find, whomever is the person that smelt it proves (in the majority of cases) to be the person who, in actuality, dealt it." The project has taken five times as long as expected due to the high turnover rate among the researchers, one of whom said, "Sure, the benefits are great, but my eyes were always burning and I couldn't get the smell out of my ties."

Changing Their Tuna

Star-Kist foods said this week that, due to restructuring, it will be forced close a plant and about 400 jobs will be lost. "Unfortunately, I had to say 'Sorry Charlie' to many of my workers," said a plant manager, "Nobody really seemed to appreciate my little joke."

Clothes Line

In-line clothing maker Senate, designer of shirts bearing the messages "Destroy All Girls" and "Wife Beater," expressed disappointment that stores were returning its clothes this week. Company co-founder Arlo Eisenberg told reporters that he didn't know what all the fuss was about, all the while fervently preparing his new line of "Smile If You're Not A Jew" T-shirts and the "Didn't I Poop On You Once?" sunvisors.

Covering Up A Hickey

William "Are you sure he's not dead" Hickey, who got an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a Mafia don in Prizzi's Honor, died for the first time at the age of 69. A spokesman for the family said, "Please stop asking us if he's still alive. The answer is now official...NO."

Dropping Anchor

It was announced this week that L.A. news anchor Lisa McCree will replace Joan Lunden as co-host of ABC's struggling "Good Morning America" show. McCree says she's looking forward to the mixture of "news and fun," stating, "You're doing John Major one minute and John Travolta the next." Clearly McCree expects much play upon her arrival in the Big Apple, prompting co-anchor Charles Gibson to respond, " Nobody wants to DO us, Lisa. Why do you think we're 'struggling' so bad?"

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

The Nevada State Athletic Commission has decided it will temporarily suspend Mike Tyson for biting the ears of Evander Holyfield pending its final decision next week. Tyson said he would not contest a fine from the Commission which could be as much as 10% of his nearly $30 million paycheck. "After all," Iron Mike added, "What's that, like 30 dollars?" Mr. Tyson needed to be restrained from becoming a chewing machine again when the concept of percentages was explained to him.

40-Love Hurts

There are only two American men left in the draw at Wimbledon this week and they are taking quite a ribbing from the remaining Brits. "Oh, Sampras," Brit Tim Henman has reportedly said to the world's #1 player, "if I meet you in the quarterfinals, I may make it difficult for you to win. But I must first advance to the quarterfinals, and that is a match I have confidence I will win, because, although he is a fine player, hence his invitation to Wimbledon, I believe that I am a slightly better player and I should win. Should. Don't cry, chap. I apologize for the relentless mockery."

7/04/97

Don't Go There

To celebrate the Fourth of July, NASA will attempt to land a spacecraft on the unholy planet of Mars. Especially miffed about this invasion are Martians, who for Martian months have been engaging in a furious Martian debate in Martian congress over building a huge wall to keep out non-Martians. "But who is going to do the menial Martian yardwork?" asked the head Martian, Martin Kennedy Martian, thus ending the Martian debate.

Hong Kong Phooey

Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Rose Hamid, a Muslim flight attendant, is seeking a court order against US Airways, who she says violated her rights by refusing to allow her to wear a hijab, or head scarf at work. Meanwhile, Morty Schulman, a coworker with similar claims, says his rights were violated when his "stupid" boss made him take off his "Orgy Detector" T-shirt. "This is my religion," said Schulman, a devout apostle of Bacchanalia.

De-Prezed

After 2 years, the president and chief operating officer of Rockwell International, in a surprise move, will step down September 30, complaining, "I always feels like somebody's watching me."

Business Profile

Richard Love, head chef for the popular restaurant "Spago," has certainly invested his earnings well. In fact, he owns a chain of dance clubs! Love can even be found inside some of his clubs, dancing until the wee hours. His favorite dance? "I really enjoy 'The Jerk,'" says Love, first name Dick. "I like to Jerk often; in fact, as often as I can. In fact, sometimes I'll Jerk off until the early morning. My friend Jack oft complains about the quality of my dancing. He calls my Jerk awful. But my friend Manuel thinks it's stimulating. Anyway, I'm going to give my friend Willie a tug. He loves boats!"

Lassie Lass

Kim Basinger, in another sweeping attempt to combat animal cruelty, will be picking up 40 beagles at a lab in New Jersey who were going to have their legs broken for pharmaceutical testing. Basinger, star of such films as Nadine and The Getaway, has clearly been a dog lover for some time.

Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"

Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.

Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?

Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness this week in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomite Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"

Bowl Dips

Eleven years after winning a Super Bowl, four former New York Giants have turned to Arena Football, becoming members of the New Jersey Red Dogs, who are 8-1 and leading the league. Said Harry Carson, "I got involved because I love football. It doesn't matter if it's Pop Warner, high school, college, NFL or a crazy bastardized version played with has-beens and wannabes."

Carl: And now for our 4th of July Traffic Report here’s R.J. Knackman.

R.J.: Thank you Carl. Traffic’s not too bad right now, I’m in LA over the Hollywood Bowl for the Fireworks extravaganza. There’s doing music from Oklahoma… (SFX Fireworks)

Carl: You’re OVER the Hollywood Bowl, with the fireworks?

R.J.: It’s spectacular. I’ve never seen them this close, it’s blinding, almost like D’Nang in the summer. Hot. Sticky… I’m going in for a closer look.

Carl : Are you sure that’s a good idea?

R.J. (to pilot) Bring us in closer. I said closer!

Carl: R.J. are you there? R.J.?

R.J.: Charlie’s got his party hat on tonight…

SFX: Explosion

Carl: R.J.?

R.J. Hail Mary full of Grace…

SFX Helicopter falling and crashing.

Carl: R.J. are you all right?

R.J. There’s some slowing on the Hollywood 101 due to a helicopter crash, take surface streets. I’ll see you at the hospital. Back to you.

Carl: Thanks R.J. Flowers are on the way.

7/10/97

Disk Heads

Scientists say the Mars Pathfinder is sending back information enough information twice a day to fill 10 floppy disks. Project leader Matt Golombek said, "This is unbelievable-- we're like kids in a candy store." Unfortunately, this statement was all too true as several of the scientists' parents have been called to pick up their kids for stuffing disks into their pockets and trying to take them without paying.

Keeping Current

Florida's electric chair "Sparky" will soon go on trial after inmates brought up the notion that death by electrocution was "cruel." After the trial and Sparky's expected imposed retirement, Florida lawmakers will vote on the inmates' suggested methods of execution: death by nude hot oil massage, death by being given so much money that inmates grow bored with life and commit suicide, and death by over-consumption of Chile's baby-back ribs.

Road To No Hair

The underground organization Animal Liberation Front took responsibility for the release of 4,000 minks. Most of the minks where recaptured but many were found dead along the highway with little "A Ride To Minkville Would Be Nice" and "If You're Going To Minktropolis, My 278 Friends And I Could Sure Use A Ride" signs.

This Story Is McFake

McDonald's has said that it will decentralize its U.S. operations into five geographic areas and announced the retirement of Ronald McDonald, their clowny spokesman for the last ninety years. McDonald's will introduce their new mascot, Jimmy the Devil, on Halloween of 1997. "We will scare you and your kids into eating at McDonald's," said a spokesman, "If you don't eat at McDonald's, you will die. I will make sure of that. Just try me."

Cabin Fever

British Airways cabin crews went on strike, leaving more than 25,000 passengers stranded and forcing the airline to cancel more than half of its flights. Representatives for BA said it hopes to increase its available flights by 20%, but Transport and General Workers Union rep. Andrew Murray said, "Twenty percent of very little is not much."

Predictably, he went on to say that 20% of some is more, and that 20% of plenty is lots."

Another One?

Inspired by Ellen Degeneres, former Who's The Boss child star Danny Pintauro has announced that he is gay. The entertainment industry was shocked by the announcement, surprised that Danny Pintauro could convince a reporter to actually come to his home when his homosexuality was never really in question.

Duck Season

The four-year-old critic's favorite "Duckman" has been cancelled by the USA network, but "fans" shouldn't panic. The show will be picked up by UPN, who also bought the rights to the film "Howard the Duck" for it's much hyped "Ducks that Suck" Sunday night line-up, hosted by Jon "Duckie" Cryer.

Wicked Slice

Golfer Laura Davies is one of the favorites at the U.S. Women's Open which has begun in Cornelius, Oregon. However, Davies sliced a big gash in her left index finger while slicing bread. "I thought I had the sharp side cutting the bread," said Davies in a phone interview where it was difficult to understand her until she was told to turn the receiver around so the noisy part was by her ear.

Boone "ies"

The Kansas City Royals, currently nine games back in the American League Central, have fired manager Bob Boone. Bob Boone now has plans to head up to the mountains, build himself a house out of sticks, and sit and stew, forever remembering his lifetime record of 181-206 with the Royals.

TIMMY

Bob? Bob Boone? I can't believe I found you! Look at you, man! Get yourself cleaned up! There's another baseball team interested in someone managing them to a sub-.500 record!

BOONIE

I like it here. It's quiet. I've got everything I need. Everything. Everything...except...except a baseball team to drive into mediocrity. Let's go!

This playlet presented by the Bob Boone 25 Games Under .500 Players.

7/11/97

Don't Rain Bullets On My Parade

As England sends 500 more troops to Northern Ireland, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced, " I am not going to give up on Northern Ireland. I am going to carry on searching for a solution." He and his cabinet will consider one of two plans: another Protestant parade in a Catholic area, this time with better floats OR reemploy the old starvation tactics, lowering the IRA's blood sugar so their aim is off.

Mars Attracts

In Mars news, the Sojourner exploration vehicle found unmistakable signs of the ancient presence of water, proving that the earth is in grave danger from deadly blood-sucking Martians, who are carefully walking behind the camera on their god-forsaken planet.

Rep. Off

U.S. Rep. Steve Schiff cannot return to work this week as planned because he is still feeling the effects of 35 radiation treatments. "I'll be back to work next week," a 137 foot Schiff told the press, sipping from a lake.

Electric Avenue

Toyota will unveil a new electric car which should not be driven with wet hands. Also, mothers all over the world encourage would-be owners to not flick the switch on and off, over and over, as each time you do that, it costs a penny.

Super Mario Profits

Nintendo has set a new sales record this week with the release of Star Fox 64. The game, selling 300,000 copies in its first week, beats the former record holder, Super Mario 64, at 200,000 copies. A Nintendo spokesperson said, "We're as pleased as can be. This means that 300,000 more American children won't learn to read."

Boneheads

Stanley Howse, a.k.a. "Flesh," member of the Grammy Award-winning rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, was arrested in Los Angeles Friday for possession of illegal explosives. Officers say they were tipped off by the fact that Howse kept saying that he was "da bomb," prompting their search. "We next plan on investigating claims that L.L. Cool J's mother persuaded him to enter into an altercation," said the enterprising officers.

Thai One On

A spokesman for the Professional Comedians Association of Thailand says the government will begin strict ruling on being impolite onstage. Especially barred are: obscene language, physical humor in which pain is implied, and being disrespectful to a colleague's parents. Still allowed: "America, What a Country" jokes, anything about Pol Pot, and jokes that begin "So there's 82 people on this raft..."

Whipped Cream, Forcible Sodomy, and Other Delights

Prosecutors say they plan to use DNA evidence against NBC sportscaster Marv Albert when they try him on forcible sodomy charges in September. Albert has provided the court with hair, saliva and blood samples in compliance with the court order. However, preliminary hair results taken from his "glorious mane" allegedly clear Albert and identify the attacker as a 3-year-old colt named "Smidgen."

Chew On This

The Nevada Athletic Commission has revoked Mike Tyson's boxing license, a decision Tyson has stated he would accept. Tyson did accuse the Nevada Gaming Commission of "trying to get into the act" when they later revoked his fishing license after he viciously devoured a tuna fish sandwich at lunch.

Smooth Wooden Ball Interview with Dan Castellanetta

2007-01-12T11:02:00.000-08:00

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News here with Earthworm Jim. Welcome to the show, Jim.

EJ: Thank you, Smooth Wooden Ball.

SWB: Uh, Earthworm Jim, I have always wanted to meet Dan Castellanetta. With your superpowers, do you think you can get a hold of him?

EJ: Yes! I can summon him. Calling Dan Castellanetta... I'm doing it telekinetically... or telepathically. Both actually. Ah! Here he is now.

SWB: Heyyy... this is Smooth Wooden Ball here.

EJ: And don't be fooled by the fact that we both sound exactly the same.

SWB: Welcome to the show, Dan.

DC: Hello. It's me talking now. Earthworm Jim has gone off to another assignment.

SWB: What were you doing before the Tracy Ullman Show?

DC: I was at the Second City in Chicago. For about four years.

SWB: Did they give you that role or did you have to audition for it?

DC: For...?

SWB: Tracy Ullman.

DC: For the Tracy Ullman? Tracy Ullman came and saw me at the Second City with Heidi Pearlman who was one of the producers of the show. Although I still had to come in and read for different sketches to be a member of the cast.

SWB: Do you ever wanna tell Matt Groening... so your last name is Groening? Why not just pronounce it Groh-ning? No one's gonna give you the business.

DC: I do not dare. He even put it in his strip that it is "Gray-ning." It rhymes with "complaining." Although "Groh-ning" is just as negative. It rhymes with "groaning."

SWB: What are some of the other voices you were thinking about using for Homer?

DC: Well originally Homer's voice sorta sounded like this. (as voice) Sort of "hello son!" Sort of a Walter Matthau kinda voice. But there was something sort of nasal. And it was very hard to do some of Homer's emotions, because he was constantly frustrated by the kids. But the voice would start going like this. (as Homer) And then it stayed in that register. And that's the most comfortable register in which to speak for a half hour... although it's like FIVE HOURS of recording!

SWB: Of all the cartoon characters in history, which one would you have been the most proud to have been the voice of?

DC: Wow... that's a good question. I would certainly have loved to have been one of the voice on Bullwinkle. Almost any of those Jay Ward cartoons. I'm a big fan of all of those. There was Mr. Peabody. (imitating Mr. Peabody) "Sherman! Today we're going back in time!" And then William Conrad, (imitating) "We last joined our heroes when they were looking for the Rubiat of Omer Kayan!

SWB: Okay. This is the first time for a litlle playlet written by one of our staff and played by the same people. Smooth Wooden Ball will be playing the part of Chad-- a person with arms. And Dan Castellanetta will be playing the part of Homer Simpson.

DC: (as Homer) Psss. Am I on? Where do I come in from?

SWB: Not yet. (acting) Hmmm. Not all of the lunch orders are in. Homer, I'm not sure what they ordered for you. Maybe this is it. Fourteen porkchops with gravy.

DC: Whoo-hoooo!

SWB: Na... na... here it is. Diet rice plate.

DC: Hit forehead with hand. D'oh!

SWB: This has been the Smooth Wooden Ball with Dan Castellanetta. Thanks for coming on the show, Dan.

DC: Thank you.

June 1997

2007-01-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

6/02/97

Absolutely, 100% Guilty

Timothy McVeigh has been found guilty on all eleven federal charges in the 1995 Oklahoma bombing. McVeigh, after the sentencing, now faces the state case against him, where he will be tried for 160 counts of murder. State prosecutors are "optimistic," and when asked what direction they plan to take with his case, replied, "Y'know what the federal guys said? That. But times twenty."

PJPII: Lost in Poland

Pope John Paul the Deuce spoke to 300,000 pilgrims at a former Soviet air base and urged business leaders to aid the old and disadvantaged who have struggled since the fall of Polish communism in 1989. The Poles were reportedly puzzled by what he was saying, and kept waiting for the old man in the "rocket hat" to blast off and set the sky ablaze with fireworks. They left, disappointed.

What Fur

In Mount Angel Oregon, the largest act of Eco-terrorism ended on a sour note with the release of 10,000 minks from a ranch Friday. The tragic incident happened when the heard came head to head with the Mount Angel Mink Eaters Society. A representative for the mink eaters said through a fur-covered smile, "Other than the birth of my son it was the greatest day of my life.

Family Value

Final bids are expected this week for the purchase of Pat Robertson's International Family Entertainment. The remaining two bidders are Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. and the Walt Disney Co. and the price may be an astonishing $1.8 billion. Negotiations have been dragging on for months because Pat Robertson insists on knowing exactly where Mickey Mouse keeps his money. "He has no pockets in his shorts!" Robertson exclaimed.

Internaught

Behemoth Microsoft Corp. announced that it might drop its Microsoft Network and get out of the Internet service provider business. When asked for a comment, Microsoft Leviathan Bill Gates, looking up from his steady diet of pink cotton candy and calf entrails, dressed in fireproof pajamas decorated with caricatures of the nation's Vice-Presidents playing soccer, said, "What do I care? It was all just a ruse anyway, to distract the outside world from my plans to dominate this Earth, and implant microchips in all the children, turning them into my personal army." He glanced around furtively, then stated, "Kidding. I'm kidding," as small drops of his golden sweat broke out on his glorious forehead.

Little Rock 'n' Roll

President Clinton discusses his love of rock 'n' roll in a VH-1 interview that will air this week. Trying to remain familiar to all aspects of the American public, the President will discuss, on the Spice Channel, his love of broads and how to pick them up when you're the Arkansas governor. "It takes a certain amount of panache," the President said, showing off his multi-linguality.

Plagiarous Minds

The father of Michelle Pfeiffer's adopted daughter is suing the actress, saying he is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds. The actress is expected to counter-sue successfully on the grounds that the man is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds.

The Jazz Sinker

The Utah Jazz lost the first game of the NBA finals when they offered single coverage on Michael Jordan, widely regarded as the best player ever, allowing him to sink the game winner. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan said, "Maybe we made a mistake, but everyone loses to Jordan, there's no shame." He then added, "We were just so determined not to let Judd Buechler beat us."

Speed Freak

In the race to determine "The World's Fastest Man", Donovan Bailey cruised to victory as Michael Johnson came up lame with a "quadriceps" injury. Afterwards, Bailey told reporters that he had won the race in the first three strides. "I'm not stupid, though," Bailey said, "so I kept running the remaining 147 meters."

When asked about his early lead, Bailey opined, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to force reporters to admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.

6/03/97

Got Milk?

A study for the Center of Disease Control and Prevention shows that when given to a child, breast milk helps protect from mild infection. The study also indicates that when given to an adult, breast milk greatly increases the chances of sweet, sweet monkey love.

No Comet?

A scientific theory gaining wider acceptance hypothesizes that water, brought by comets striking the earth, gave the planet life. Many critics see flaws in this theory, holding on to the belief that water was produced internally. Said one critic, "Could be a comet, I mean it was a trillion years ago, right? But I've been committed to shooting everything down since the tragic day I decided to become a critic."

What, Me Worry?

After being found guilty of the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building, Timothy McVeigh, is scheduled for a hearing today in Denver to determine the penalty he deserves. When reached for comment, McVeigh stated "I deeply regret voting for the 'Red-hot-pokers-in-the-eyes-whilst- hanging-by-your-balls-till- they-fall-off Penalty' in the last Denver election. Boy did that come back to bite me in the patoot!"

Fiber Optimist?

The Kellogg Co. petitioned the FDA to allow cereals like All Bran and Raisin Bran to carry a special claim saying low fat diets that include the cereals may reduce the risk of colon cancer. If all goes well, the kid friendly cereal company has plans to extend the campaign to the young by introducing it's newest cereal -"COUNT POOP - A- LOT" to the shelves next fall.

Cadill-Axe?

It's a sad day as GM is recalling 85,000 cars, many of them Cadillacs. GM is reminding customers that they are still Cadillacs, and even though there is a problem now, soon the problem will be fixed and remember, not every jagoff gets to own a Cadillac but everybody wants one, but you own one, don't you?

Bob Dylan 1941-?

Bob Dylan has been released from the hospital after treatment for a potentially life threatening heart infection. Dylan said through a spokesman, "I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon." A spokesman for the afterlife replied, "There is no afterlife for Dylan-If he wants to see Elvis he'll need a shovel."

Dino-Mite?

Ticket sales for The Lost World dropped 62% in its second weekend. Made up Universal executives are baffled saying, "We've shoveled worse crap at those moonpies and they ate it up. Just take...I can't even think of a good example. Pretty much everything is the same nowadays. I blame TV."

Bailey's Cream?

Donovan Bailey, after trouncing Michael Johnson in Sunday's 150-meter race, said about his early lead, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to make reporters admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.

Sloan Alone?

For Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the NBA Finals are a homecoming as Sloan is one of three Bulls players to have their numbers retired. Sloan also coached the Bulls for three years without much success. What did that experience teach him? "I learned you can't win without players." The 892-0 trouncing, in an ill-fated experiment, where the Cleveland Cavaliers beat a Bulls' team with a starting lineup of nobody, evidenced this.

6/04/97

VAN-DALS

In Memphis, in the highly underrated state of Tennessee, a vehicle belonging to the FBI S.W.A.T. team was stolen with thirteen weapons inside. The vehicle was later discovered completely burned and empty. The FBI admits its mistake as a spokesman said, "I cracked the windows and left the radio on so the guns wouldn't get too hot or bored."

I Don't Thee Wed

Homophobic Minnesota Governor Arne Carlson has signed a bill banning same-sex marriages. In a quote, Carlson said, "It's not that I hate gay people, it's just that someone must pay for the shame-tent I get in my pants whenever Senator Kennedy speaks. Why does that happen to me? Why am I bad?"

A Corsage For Your Entourage

Chelsea Clinton attended her prom on Tuesday with her parents, a motorcade and a small platoon of reporters. It is rumored that to ensure that Chelsea had a date, Clinton had to create a new government position to offer the boy, "U.S. Ambassador to First Base."

Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave

Federal antitrust regulators are continuing to investigate Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied."

Technopooped

Investors' enthusiasm for technology stocks fizzled as the technology laden NASDAQ composite tumbled 20 points to 1385. However, over on the NYSE stocks representing pencils, abacus, wooden clogs, Amish hats, butter churns, and simple percussion instruments soared, gaining over 4 points!

SMOOTH WOODEN BALL

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News and we're here with Dave Higgins. Welcome to the show Dave.

DH: Hi, thanks.

SWB: How did they break it to you on Ellen that they were gonna go the gay route?

DH: What they did was they said that we're goin' the gay route. The very beginning of the season Ellen brought it up that she wanted the character to come out.

SWB: You're a heterosexual Dave?

DH: Hmmmm, I'd rather not comment.

SWB: Okay. Well, that takes care of the next five questions.

SWB and DH: Laugh.

SWB: On the show, it was hard for Ellen to tell her parents that she's gay. Was it hard for you to tell your parents that Ellen is gay?

DH: No, I've never had to tell my parents anything very difficult. I guess that wouldn't be going to college; that was pretty tough. When I quit college.

SWB: Years from now, when they have the "Best of Ellen" video collection at Blockbuster, how will your character be described on the back of the box?

DH: I would predict, and I'd be willing to put down money, "the acerbic Joe Ferrel serves up the coffee and the laughs."

SWB: Acerbic?

DH: Yeah, don't you think? Don't you think that's a pretty good one?

SWB: David Ogden Stiers did a competent job, but don't you think Frank Burns was funnier than Winchester?

DH: Yes.

SWB: If they recast M*A*S*H* is 1997, what part would they have you play?

DH: I would hope that I'd be the guy in charge of the carpool.

SWB: My next question was do you think you'd make a pretty good Zale?

DH: Oh Zale, yeah, yeah.

SWB: See, I'm ahead of you I guess, apparently.

DH: See, I think in comedy terms.

SWB: Tell me, what other names were you all batting around before settling on "The Higgins Boys and Gruber?"

DH: We were called "Don't Quit Your Day Job" for the longest time. I remember, we just thought that was the greatest name in the world. And then you'd hear it on interviews or read it in the paper "Don't Quit Your Day Job" and you'd be cruising the paper looking and you'd see "don't quit your day job" and say "Hey that's it. Oh, it's just someone telling you not to quit your day job."

SWB: Do you guys ever perform any more?

DH: My brother Steve produces Saturday Night Live, so he's in New York and....

SWB: And he's out of comedy now.

DH: Yeah basically. Hey wait a minute, I can't say that. But, you're probably right.

SWB: Hey, thanks for being on the show Dave.

DH: Oh, it's a pleasure to be here Round Smooth Wooden Ball.

SWB: Sure thing.

DH: What can I call you for short?

SWB: Smooth is good.

DH: Okay Smooth.

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for the SC Naked News and now its time to take the SC Naked quiz.

Kathie's Clown

ABC sportscaster and babe magnet Frank Gifford told reporters that his marriage to Kathie Lee Gifford is good and strong. When the uproarious laughter died down, Gifford continued to insist everything was fine, and that Kathie Lee was focusing on the couple's children, and the business of exploiting them to benefit her television show.

She's Gotti Have It.

Victoria Gotti, the daughter of mob boss John Gotti, will write a combination cookbook and family history to the tune of $1 million, it was reported this week. Recipes to be contained in the tome include "Dead Canary Stew," and "Sleep With the Fillet o' Fishes." Gotti was quoted as saying, "Just to prove that I'm not a hard-hearted woman, this was the best piece of rump roast I've ever had!"

Par-Tee Girls

A national survey of women golfers shows they see themselves treated as second class citizens on the golf course. The women were asked to comment on a number of issues, but the pollsters kept rolling their eyes and saying, "Sure, babe, I'm listening."

Gone Fishin'

Two people driving on the Florida Turnpike found the costume head of Florida Marlin mascot "Billy the Marlin" this week. The head has been missing since it blew off a Navy SEAL parachuting into the stadium in April. Marlin fans are quite relieved, as now they can replace the temporary mascot, "Ed Chapman, the gesticulating moron, with a human head and a Marlin's body."

6/05/97
Presidential "Race"

President Clinton, trying for months to improve race relations in our country, has finally come up with a new plan. The President announced the inception of his new "Don't Stare, Don't Shoot" policy. He's asking that people all over the country avert their eyes when they see someone of a different ethnic background. "If you do it right," he said, "it will be like the others don't even exist."

Everybody Must Get Cloned

Citing ethical concerns, the National Bioethics Advisory Commission will recommend that human cloning be banned. The draft of the recommendation will be finalized soon, leaving the Commission time to add a controversial and surprising last-minute alteration: "The Carmen Electra Escape Clause."

"Gimme an E.(Coli)!"

Three people in Indiana who ate uncooked meat this week have been infected with the E. Coli bacteria. Officials are looking into the matter and are warning people no matter how lip-smackingly good that raw pork looks, throw it in the oven at 350 and leave it in there at least 20 minutes for every pound.

Check It Out!

The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.

Save It!

Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.

The Joker's Dead

Television game show host Dennis James has died. James had the distinction of being the announcer for television's first commercial and worked for the Dumont Television Network as a jack of all trades. "He could do it all," said a spokesman, "except live forever."

Fools Rush Into Rehab

Mathew Perry's publicist released a statement confirming reports that the "star" checked into a rehab center this week, saying, "Perry is under a lot of strain these days, starring on the most over-rated sitcom ever, pretending to be 27 when everyone knows he's in his thirties and keeping up with Chris Farley's drug intake on the set of their new movie together." Perry's plans for his hiatus include resting, drying out and finding a new publicist.

Double Bogus

In the PGA Senior Open at Kemper Lakes Golf Course, coming in last was Ben Smith, who carded a 34 over par score of 250 and pocketed $648 for his almost inconsequential "efforts." Said Smith's agent, almost bursting with "pride", "Wow. Show me the money. Sixty-four dollars. Now I can send my son to college, as long as he doesn't enroll or buy any books."

My So Called Life

Michael Irvin, wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, says he may quit football, and that his teammates don't understand the pressures he's under. When reminded that his teammates all play the game of football just like him, he replied, "I meant the mandatory drug testing that keeps me from my true calling: coked-out scumbag."

6/06/97
Get Shorty

An Arkansas man sued Richardson Center Inc., claiming he was fired because of his dwarfism and a missing arm. The jury awarded him $29,000 and gawked at him for a really long time.

Neither Rain Nor Blow...

In El Paso, TX, a letter carrier for the US Postal Service was charged with possession of cocaine and intent to distribute it. The carrier Juan F. Middaugh admitted that he sold drugs while on duty. Postal Officials lamented the loss of Mr. Middaugh, who routinely finished his daily 12-mile route in just under 20 minutes.

Johnny Punchclock

The US jobless rate has fallen to a twenty three-year low of 4.8%. So, to 95.2% of you out there, congratulations and keep working- at least you're doing a good job. Let's pick it up you others.

Check It Out!

The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.

Save It!

Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.

CRISIS IN TRENCHMONT

BRENT

Brent Mulvahill reporting to you live from 3rd and Verdugo here in downtown Trenchmont where a mini van has apparently run into a light post, flipped over on its side and pinned a mother of four beneath it. Thirty-five-year-old Lorraine Beverly Davis is unconscious, barely clinging to life, literally inches from my feet. The paramedics have just arrived and are now making their way over here to Mrs. Davis.

MEDIC

Move away from the body!

BRENT

You can hear the paramedics warning civilians not to get too close. Not everyone is allowed on the scene, frankly. There are journalists...

MEDIC

You... with the microphone...

BRENT

-police officials...

MEDIC

Move away from the body... now!

BRENT

-and, of course, emergency personnel. But, I'll tell you honestly, sometimes it's a club I'd rather not have joined. Especially when I look at the dull, bloated face...

MEDIC

Your cord is blocking the gurney!

BRENT

We've got some technical difficulties here folks... but if I can just swing around here and get up close and personal with a young doctor who looks very hard at work here.

Doc, isn't it a little too -

DOC

Get this man away from me, right now!

MEDIC

Come on.

BRENT

Don't take that! Gimme that! I'm Brent Mulvahill. I need that!

MEDIC

You're Brent Mulvahill over here, on the sidewalk.

BRENT

This is Brent Mulvahill live from 4th and Verdugo in Trenchmont.

BILL

Brent, what happened to the mother of four?

BRENT

I think she probably passed away, but I'm not sure. Probably.

Bob Dylan 1941-?

Bob Dylan has been released from the hospital after treatment for a potentially life threatening heart infection. Dylan said through a spokesman, "I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon." A spokesman for the Presley estate replied, "There is no afterlife if Dylan wants to see Elvis he'll need a shovel."

Dino-Mite?

Ticket sales for The Lost World dropped 62% in it's second weekend. Made up Universal executives are baffled saying, "We've shoveled worse crap at those moonpies and they ate it up. Just take...I can't even think of a good example pretty much everything is the same nowadays I blame TV."

Sloan Alone

For Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the NBA Finals are a homecoming as Sloan is one of three Bulls players to have their numbers retired. Sloan also coached the Bulls for three years without much success. What did that experience teach him? "I learned you can't win without players." The 982-0 trouncing, in an ill-fated experiment, where the Cleveland Cavaliers beat a Bulls' team with a starting lineup of nobody evidenced this.

TRIBUTE TO JUD BUECHLER

As the playoffs wind down to their probable conclusion this weekend, I expect the more showy and ostentatious members of the world champion Bulls will grasp the limelight once again. However, there is an underappreciated diamond on this merry band that does not receive the glory of Jordan, Pippen, and Rodman. His talents are hidden like a chest of buried treasure in a large, stinky pile of dirt. So let us now honor this glossy broomtail known as Jud Buechler.

I'm sure all of us witnessed his efforts in game two during the final seconds of the inevitable comeback by the Jazz. For who was there to deny John Stockton from obtaining eight points in less than a minute? Jud "The Pickpocket" Buechler. Who was the first to approach Jordan for the hug of a valiant game-winner? Jud "The Fond Embrace" Buechler. And who was there to guzzle gallantly from the chalice of victory after the grueling span of competition had at last subsided? Jud "Meet Me At The Hotel Bar" Buechler.

So let us all pay stoic homage to the Bulls' most valuable clandestine weapon: Jud Buechler, America's finest ever basketball player, living or dead.

BOOK REPORT

Troy: This is Troy Bailey with SCNN's new feature, Book Report. I'm here with Mitch Walker, author of an exciting new work of fiction, Intruder.

Mitch: Wow, you thought it was exciting?

Troy: Just my opinion. What's with the grilling?

Mitch: I'm sorry.

Troy: Your other books. Have they been doing well?

Mitch: This is my first novel.

Troy: I know.

Mitch: Above the title, it says "compelling debut novel."

Troy: So what?

Mitch: You didn't read my book.

Troy: I really wanted to read your book.

Mitch: Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Troy: You hate me. You're obviously mad that no one is reading your little book.

Mitch: People are reading my book!

Troy: I read a summary of it. I mean, people cheat on their wives. Is that really Earth shattering?

Mitch: Why are you attacking me?

Troy: You're very handsome.

Mitch: Thank you.

Troy: I wish our audience could see you. See your lips.

Mitch: Can I go?

Troy: Perhaps you should. I'm Troy Bailey with SCNN's soon to be cancelled "Book Report."

6/10/97

"Shakes" The Building

Timothy McVeigh's defense team called Linda Daigler to testify yesterday, who described McVeigh as "a clown." "He's funny," the cousin of the convicted bomber added. Ms. Daigler was called as part of the team's new strategy to portray the bombings as a practical joke that got "a bit out of hand."

Duke of Ire

Residents of the Gila River Indian Reservation near Phoenix are very upset at plans to change the name of Highway 347 to John Wayne Parkway. Maricopa County Officials say they regret offending members of the Pima and Maricopa tribes, and that they'd be glad to drop off a little more wampum and firewater at the edge of the reservation until the signs were in place.

Boys Will Tease Boys

The Supreme Court agreed Monday to decide if same sex sexual harassment is against federal law. They will soon consider the case of Joseph Oncale, who alleges he was harassed by other men during heterosexual "horseplay" on an oilrig in Louisiana. Oncale, in a statement, said, "While I'm not against 'horseplay' (except of course around the pool), this was the kind of thing that occurs in out-of-the-way bars in Tijuana. I mean those guys where really trying to give me the business."

Gates To The Future

In what have become daily announcements until he can control the sun and tides, Microsoft Cyclopean Protein Mass Bill Gates says that the Internet will keep growing and growing and transform communications in ways no one has thought of, except of course, Big Bill Gates. "I see the future," he actually said, not worrying about a lawsuit, "and in it, I have grown to forty feet tall. My feet are five feet long. When I walk, I have to make sure I do not crush the curved backs of my roustabouts, who must pick over 100 tons of elderberries every day to satiate my prodigious appentency. Plus, you'll be able to call anywhere in the world for a nickel, or a Bill, as they'll then be called."

Shop 'Til You Drop (The Website)

IBM is preparing to close the doors of its online shopping mall, World Avenue, which opened last year. Apparently, the web site was not bringing in much revenue and merchants wanted to get out because they heard "the 'blacks' were moving in."

Is 'Pop' Pooped?

U2's new concert tour has run into another snag. The Irish band will have to cancel what was to have been a big Dublin homecoming performance. The band says that it would just be too expensive to stage the huge show, even if ticket prices were raised to $53. A spokesman for Ireland, Mike, said, "We can't be paying $53 to see U2." His assistant, Paddy, said, "Sure, Mike's right. We can't be paying $53 to see U2." Wrapping up the "conference" Mike said, "Sure, that's what I just said. Thanks now. Godspeed."

Cash and Carey

Mariah Carey, who recently announced her confusion with the definition of "'til death do us part," is interested in an acting career. Studio heads are reportedly "ecstatic," as there is great demand for someone to fill the roles that require blank, expressionless faces and high frequency shrieking.

You Hockey Puck!

The San Jose Sharks, the Washington Capitals and the Phoenix Coyotes have named 3 new head coaches. However, they came up blank when asked to name the three branches of government.

Turning Japanese

In one of the biggest sports sponsorship deals to date, Japanese electronics giant Sony has announced an alliance with the National Basketball Association. Consumers can expect to see the NBA logo on Sony Playstation games and small Japanese men riding NBA players during games. "I nicknamed mine 'Shugi,'" said super super superstar Jud Buechler.

6/11/97

Testing 1,2,4

President Clinton is hailing a new study showing that American school children are performing above the international average in math and science. He went on to say that although the study was conducted here in the United States, to ensure the numbers were added correctly, the scores were sent to Japan.

Silver Charmed

A California man was convicted Wednesday of horse molestation, receiving a fine of $300. When asked about his plans after the conviction, the man replied, "I'm going to be very busy saving up another three hundred dollars."

Johnnie Law

With his lawyer Johnnie Cochran by his side, Elmer "Geronimo" Pratt was given his freedom after serving 25 years of a life sentence, convicted in 1972 of murdering a schoolteacher. The judge granted Pratt his freedom after it was revealed the prosecution's main witness was a police informant, and that Cochran would give the task of tracking down the real killer to his crime-fighting super-client O.J. Simpson.

Welcome To The Dollhouse

Although it has been well received, all is not well with Mattel's "Share a Smile Stacey," the new Barbie doll in a wheelchair. Apparently, the wheelchair will not negotiate the tight turns and doorways of her friend Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Mattel will alleviate this problem by introducing new "Free Estimate Matty," a contractor who comes equipped with a tape measure, hammer, and ridiculously inflated charges in order to cover his gambling problem.

Don't Leave Home...Ever

American Express and Software Cobbler Microsoft have unveiled an online travel reservations system aimed at corporate travelers. The jointly developed system is expected to reroute all airline flights to the golden city of Redmond, WA, where passengers will disembark, don a lei, and then have their greatest fantasies occur. "At first, they may be hesitant and confused," said Microsoft Bender and Shaper Bill Gates, "but soon they will view this place as paradise, ilycium on Earth, and that's when they will be strapped into their harnesses and placed on a wall so that I may enjoy a living, writhing, screaming sculpture. My pleasures are simple but complex."

S.S. RO?

In Switzerland, a new stage production is tackling the sensitive issue of anti-Semitism. The production, titled "I Don't Have Anything Against Jews, But..." premiered Monday. It will soon be followed by several other new works, including "I'm Not Saying Mexicans Eat A Lot Of Beans And Their Farts Smell, But..." and "Okay, I Am Saying Black People Talk Too Much In A Movie Theatre."

Italian Loafer

Italian financier Giancarlo Parretti, who tried to take over MGM in 1991, has been ordered to pay $1.5 billion following a conviction for evidence tampering and perjury. Parretti is on the run from US authorities, and the public is warned that this man is extremely smooth, with beautiful shoes. US authorities added older, gullible women are especially at risk, because no matter what he says, you are not "what he has been looking for his whole life," and do not let him borrow your 1985 Lincoln Park Avenue.

Air Apparent

Chicago Bulls superstar guard Michael Jordan relished the two day break before the NBA finals resumed in Utah, saying he was "mentally and physically exhausted." Not so much from playing basketball, though, but from counting his money.

Rising Son

Japanese pitcher Hideki Irabu, who signed a four-year, $12.8 million contract with the New York Yankees in May, was dominant in his long-awaited minor-league debut Tuesday night. He threw 42 pitches and was clocked consistently near 100 miles-per-hour. Meanwhile, the catcher is resting comfortably at Tampa Memorial Hospital where he underwent a procedure that takes fat from your ass and injects it into your palms.

6/13/97

The Darker The Berry, The Sweeter The Juice

President Clinton has appointed a board to assist him on racial matters, in order to try and improve race relations in the United States. Said the hazy President, "The purpose of this board is to be able to sum up the races in one or two sentences. When you know specifics, then you're on the road to understanding."

True Confessions

The Catholic Diocese of Orlando has decided to begin running criminal background checks on all future employees. Catholic officials admit their old policy of going to a cockfight and offering the job to the winner is probably inefficient and risky. "Chickens by their very nature resist office work," said Bishop McCorkindale, "and I'm pretty sure they don't believe in God."

Boys Will Tease Boys

The Supreme Court agreed this week to decide if same sex sexual harassment is against federal law. They will soon consider the case of Joseph Oncale, who alleges he was harassed by other men during heterosexual "horseplay" on an oilrig in Louisiana. Oncale, in a statement said, "While I'm not against 'horseplay' (except of course around the pool), this was the kind of thing that occurs at out of the way bars in Tijuana. I mean those guys where really trying to give me the business."

Silver Charmed

A California man was convicted Wednesday of horse molestation, receiving a fine of $300. When asked about his plans after the conviction, the man replied, "I'm going to be very busy saving up another three hundred dollars."

Welcome To The Dollhouse

Although it has been well received, all is not well with Mattel's "Share a Smile Stacey," the new Barbie doll in a wheelchair. Apparently, the wheelchair will not negotiate the tight turns and doorways of her friend Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Mattel will alleviate this problem by introducing new "Free Estimate Matty," a contractor who comes equipped with a tape measure, hammer, and ridiculously inflated charges in order to cover his gambling problem.

Copy Cat

Xerox today named Richard Thoman, the No. 2 executive at IBM, to the post of president and chief operating officer. In a related story, Xerox today named Richard Thoman, the No. 2 executive at IBM, to the post of president and chief operating officer.

The Cable Guy

In its most aggressive move to control the minds of all on Earth, gigantic mind bender Microsoft Corp. will invest $1 billion in Comcast Corporation, the nation's sixth largest cable television operator. When reached for comment at his hive-like sanctuary, Microsoft Giant Swollen Head Bill Gates stated, as dozens of workers groomed him and applied moisturizer, "I will make all in my image. Do not worry, as I will take care of you. Worship no other CEO before me. Come to me and be comforted."

I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got -- Talent

Sinead O'Connor has released a new album, "Gospel Oak", that is reported by her friend to be so soothing, it put her rambunctious dog to sleep. O'Connor told the New York Times that she took this as a compliment, although nothing was made of the fact that when the tape ended, the dog never woke up.

Season Of The Witch

CBS has renewed, "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder" for a fourth season. Snyder said, "CBS is a superb network and I get paid to talk to interesting people every night." Snyder then went on for 43 minutes about a lunch meat sandwich he ate in Columbus Ohio and was subsequently fired.

Six Feet Under The Rainbow

Had she lived, legendary pill-popper Judy Garland would be celebrating her 75th birthday this week. Says her biographer John Fricke; "Her career didn't end when she died- it just keeps galloping along." When informed of this, her agent said, "Really? I sure did have a hard time getting her auditions after she died. I don't know if her career died, but my commissions sure slowed down."

Ump's Ire

Mike DiMuro, the only American baseball umpire in the Japanese league, is quitting after an incident in which a player poked him in the chest with a bat, and hordes of angry players surrounded him. DiMuro said he'd finally had enough, and he was greatly relieved that the Japanese always form a circle around their enemy and attack one at a time.

Interleague Of Their Own

Interleague play has finally begun in Major League Baseball and the players, at first wary, were delighted to find the players in the other league were exactly like their own. "I've heard a lot about those American Leaguers," said some jag from the San Diego Padres, " but they drip tobacco juice down their chins just like us."

6/16/97

Trial Buzz

In interviews this week, the jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial explained their procedure and efficiency in coming to their decisions in the Oklahoma bomber's trial. All their deliberations pointed to one thing- the haircut. The haircut of a madman.

Sentence Fragment

Stool pigeon James McDougal, President Clinton's former business partner in the failed Whitewater real estate deal, begins serving a three-year sentence today. He could have received 80 years, but after his conviction, surrendered information to prosecutors. It is unknown what facts he provided about the First "Couple," but as the President said, "if it shaved 77 years off his sentence, it's got to include everything but the color of my underwear."

Overdue?

In New Jersey police are searching for the mother of a newborn girl abandoned outside Grove Avenue Library Saturday. Police are stumped as prom season has been over for 2 weeks.

Gladly Pay You Tuesday

On a sad note, Rally's Hamburgers Inc. and Checkers Drive-in Restaurants have scrapped plans to merge in order to take on such fast food giants as McDonalds. The companies reached an impasse in negotiations when it was realized that it would cost an additional 39 cents to supersize the merger.

Desk Toppled?

Microsoft has announced it will roll out a new breed of business desktop computers for a little as $1,000. Maniacal Microsoft monarch Bill Gates will then roll out an army of cyborg chimera servants who will strip the will of Earth dwellers. "I will no longer abide by nature's laws!" Gates said. "The very air we breathe will be an escalator unto my feet, allowing my sinewy nude form to quell the unbridled arrogance of the birds!"

Model Citizen

Super supermodel Naomi Campbell collapsed in the Canary Islands over the weekend and was then hospitalized. Despite a statement from the hospital saying it was a drug overdose, her lawyer claims it was an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Other supermodels were dumbfounded when they heard the news, and they were dumbfounded before they heard the news.

"Spare" A Change Of Clothes?

Some people celebrated the premiere of the film "Dream with the Fishes" by engaging in one of the plot twists-nude bowling. Those naked scored significantly higher scores than those clothed. Said a bowler in a three-piece suit, "Of course they scored higher. It's easy to throw a strike with a hood ornament out in front of you."

Kerr-Nel Of Truth

The Chicago Bulls won their fifth championship in seven years Friday when Steve Kerr sealed the deal with a 14-footer. Kerr said he was looking forward to the time off, because "carrying this team on my shoulders like I've been doing for two years takes a toll." Asked if he thought Jordan and Pippen would return, Kerr said, "I don't care, I'll play with a manatee. If he can get the ball in my hands, we're going for six next year."

To Els And Back

With President Clinton watching, Ernie Els won his second US Open by finishing at 4 under par for the tournament, defeating saggy-breasted runner up Colin Montgomerie by one stroke. Montgomerie claims he would have won, but on Sunday, he only had his "C cup game."

The Littlest Angel: Mary Lynn Rajskub from HBO's Larry Sanders, Comedy Central, and even her own HBO Comedy Special, and just cute as a bug's ear, will bless Second City Naked News with another landmark interview. The Smooth Wooden Ball will verbally probe, dig, and take her to the mat until Mary Lynn screams, "That wasn't the deal! THAT WASN'T THE DEAL! Seriously though, Ms. Rajskub is real funny, and about to become real famous.

7/03/97 (Fourth of July Show)

Blanket Party

A federal judge has struck down the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy for homosexuals, saying it unconstitutionally imposes special rules on gay groups. Constitutionally, the judge said, the rule should apply to all sexual orientations putting an end to the time-honored elbow in your buddy's ribs and an affectionate "Huh? Huh? You like that? You want that?"

Metamucil Chaser

The University of Michigan reports recent research revealing that older drivers and drinking don't mix. The report goes on to state that being old and driving also does not mix; as well as old age and interesting, concise story telling. Motorists worldwide mourn the loss of our anxious, drowsy, elderly drivers.

Burning Bush

In West Virginia, Rev. Gerry White, the pastor of Lighthouse Baptist Church, said his church is offering to help strippers train for other jobs. The Reverend said to the flock of giggling reporters, "I'm offering to be totally hands-on to get the program off the ground." As the stifled laughter became more evident, the Reverend said, "I'm serious. This program just sort of fell into my lap." The giggles turned into guffaws, and the Reverend closed by throwing a smoke bomb on the ground and escaped through a secret trap door.

Taking Charge

There may be a new plane on the credit card soon. Following the enormous success of grocery store check-out charging, some fast-food chains have begun to accept Visa cards in order to drive up sales from cash strapped customers. This was the plan opted for over the "C'mon, Spot Me a Twenty" proposal, where the customer would be allowed to borrow money directly from his cashier if he swore to pay him back when his check came.

Excelsior!

Toy Biz, which sells toys based on Marvel Comic Book characters, says it now has two Boards of Directors due to a power struggle resulting from Marvel bankruptcy squabbles. However, the toy maker feels reluctant to take orders from a board that keeps sending faxes addressed to "dolts" ordering them to "make toys or be destroyed in the name of Dr. Doom."

Clearblue Velvet

David Lynch, creator of such offbeat fare as Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, has directed a commercial for the Clearblue Easy One-Minute at-Home Pregnancy Test. The ad, shot in black and white, extols the virtues of the device, which can tell in sixty seconds if a spirit from the Black Lodge disguised as your father has gotten you pregnant.

Horse Play

Rick Danko, former bassist for rock group The Band, told a Japanese court Wednesday that his arrest on drug smuggling charges was a mistake. Danko said he asked his wife by telephone to send him some "medication," thinking she understood he meant codeine, only to receive a package of heroin, resulting in his arrest. Danko told the court that this was not the first time his wife and he had a misunderstanding like this; in the early seventies he mentioned that he was "curious," only to find a nude David Bowie awaiting in his bedroom.

Box On The Box

Clueless network CBS has purchased the rights to replay the Tyson-Holyfield non-fight for $750,000. If ratings are good, they expect to look in to buying the rights to air classic rained out Major League baseball games, replay USFL pre-season games and televise the WNBA.

The Artist Soon To Be Known As 'Orgasm'

Rumors are swirling through the NBA that Dennis Rodman will seek offers from other teams. The teams that are currently in the market for a selfish, emotionally fragile, oft suspended, single dimensional undersized power forward past his prime and distracted by his own fame are reportedly intrigued, but are concerned they can't meet his price.

6/09/97

The Last Boy Scout

The jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial returned to court today to weigh his punishment. The defense is trying to counter the prosecutors' image of McVeigh by showing that during his youth and early adulthood, he was just like millions of other Americans. He laughed, he cried, and every Fourth of July he taped a gross of M-80's to a Tonka truck and parked it outside his sister's dollhouse.

Bad Rap

Texas is poised to become the first state to ban its agencies from investing in companies whose music groups release gangsta rap. Gov. George W. Bush said in a statement that he is "excited" by the proposed bill, which will hopefully curb violence in Texas. He then stripped down to a wifebeater T-shirt, turned on a Johnny Cash tape, and scooted away to his NRA meeting.

The Cable Guy

In its most aggressive move to control the minds of all on Earth, gigantic mind bender Microsoft Corp. will invest $1 billion in Comcast Corporation, the nation's sixth largest cable television operator. When reached for comment at his hive-like sanctuary, Microsoft Giant Swollen Head Bill Gates stated, as dozens of workers groomed him and applied moisturizer, "I will make all in my image. Do not worry as I will take care of you. Worship no other CEO before me. Come to me and be comforted."

The Gayest Place On Earth

There was something different this weekend about the crowd at Disney World in Orlando, Florida - perhaps it was the man in a black patent leather miniskirt and pink rhinestone mouse ears. Since 1991 hundreds of Orlando area gays have celebrated gay days there. Homophobic vacationers found it appalling to see a couple of Mickeys holding hands but were aroused by two Minnies kissing.

Flailing Extremities

Farrah Fawcett's behavior on the David Letterman Show has prompted a response from her publicist. Fawcett missed her entrance cue, stared at the fake skyline thinking it was a window, and needed help getting into her chair. Apparently, she had just had an encounter with Ryan O'Neal, and dropped her left, leaving her open to one of O'Neal's lethal right crosses. "I've popped her a lot with that," O'Neal said, "You think she would know by now."

Not Fonda Him

Although they were Harley riding buddies in "Easy Rider," Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda have long been arguing over the profits from the film and are not friends. Said Fonda, "My wife won't even allow Hopper's name to be spoken in our house." His wife then screamed from upstairs, "What did you just say? What did I tell you? I'm going to come down there!"

Not A Bellyitcher

In baseball news, Dodger manager Bill Russell had another shouting match with one of his pitchers this weekend; this time with Pedro Astacio, who exited by kicking a bucket of sunflower seeds and banging a bat against the wall. An embarrassed Astacio, after the game, commented, "I made a mistake. Those sunflower seeds are for all the guys on the team. I was mad at Russell, not the seeds themselves. How could anyone be angry at an innocent bucket of seeds? They're so delicious."

Ump's Ire

Mike DiMuro, the only American baseball umpire in the Japanese league, is quitting after an incident in which a player poked him in the chest with a bat, and hordes of angry players surrounded him. DiMuro said he'd finally had enough, and he was greatly relieved that the Japanese always form a circle around their enemy and attack one at a time.

Faced with the start of formal audits of their wartime accounts next week, Switzerland’s banks have told investigators that they discovered hundreds of accounts that may have belonged to Holocaust victims. No wonder the bastards stayed out of the war, they were holding the proverbial purse. Of course they’ll pay every last penny back. And while you’re at it you can start filling the wholes in the crummy cheese you’ve been sellin’ us.

President Clinton is hailing a new study showing that American school children are performing above the international average in math and science. He went on to say that although the study was conducted here in the United States, to ensure the numbers were added up correctly, the scores were sent to Japan.

Mass murderer Charles Manson was found guilty of trafficking drugs in prison and has had his visitation, dayroom and commissary privileges restricted. There has been quarreling among the administration at the facility over who’s gonna tell him.

Oregon has joined 35 other states seeking restitution for health care spending related to smoking. Oregon's complaint, filed yesterday in Portland, charges the tobacco industry illegally targeted minors and made fraudulent claims in its’ advertising. The state says millions of Oregon’s people started smoking because they thought it would make them a cowboy.

Thousands of boxes of human ashes that a pilot was paid to scatter over oceans and mountaintops were found stacked in a storage shed and a plane hangar for years, infuriating families of the deceased. Investigators are looking for Al Vieira, the 52 year old pilot who charged funeral homes cut-rate prices of as little as $60. Authorities claim the remains can never be returned to their rightful owners because all the names on the boxes say Al.

United Cinemas Intl. continues its aggressive push in Germany with another six multiplexes.

Chicago Bulls superstar guard Michael Jordan relishes the two day break before the NBA finals resume tonight in Utah, saying he is “mentally and physically exhausted.” Not so much from playing basketball but from counting his money.

Japanese pitcher Hideki Irabu, who signed a four-year, $12.8 million contract with the New York Yankees in May, was dominant in his long-awaited minor-league debut Tuesday night for Class-A Tampa. He threw 42 pitches and was clocked consistently near 100 miles-per-hour. The catcher is resting comfortably at Tampa Memorial Hospital were he underwent a procedure that takes fat from your ass and injects it into your palms.

Drag Queen RuPaul has extended his hosting deal for “The RuPaul Show” on VH1, signing a three year deal for the celebrity interview program. The show will do vignettes like “The Crying Dating Game” and “This Old Wig.”

06.16.97

As he attempts to mount a defense in his sexual harrassment case, Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, the highest ranked enlisted man in the Army, spoke of how he relates to the soldiers below him. “I know what they’re going through even when they have to eat green eggs,” he actually said, swear to God. He added, “Have you ever eaten green eggs?” At that point, the press conference was put on hold for a while as baby boomer reporters expressed fondness and joy for Dr. Suess and the joys of green eggs and ham on a plane or a train.

The jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial explained their procedure and effieciency in coming to their decisions in the Oklahoma bomber’s trial. All their deliberations pointed to one thing- the haircut. The haircut of a madman.

The White House is set to ease its stance on smut on the Internet. Emerging from a darkened room, his hair amuss, the President issued this statement, “The decision on what is pornography and what is not is up to the individual. You may like S & M, while I may be more of a hot lesbian foursome guy. You say “tomato” and I like “tomatoes,” and I think you know what I’m saying about the tomatoes.”

Northwest Airlines is preparing a nearly $2 billion order of 50 small jets from Airbus Industrie as replacements for Northwest’s current 727’s. Northwest, upon completion of the order of 50 planes, will receive a free “Dorf on Golf” video.

One hundred and forty five people aboard Sun Pacific charter flight 809 where forced to evacuate by sliding down an emergency chute after smoke filled the cabin of the Boeing 727. No injuries where reported however plenty of, “Whee’s!” where reported by passengers as the slid down the chute.

The Southern Baptists Convention in a response of the 7th annual Gay and Lesbian Day at Walt Disney World will vote on a boycott of Disney products. A spokesman for Disney said, “We won’t be swayed by the boycott because Disney does not judge anyone by their sexual preferences but by how many T-shirts they buy.”

In New Jersey police are searching for the mother of a newborn girl abandoned outside a Grove Avenue Saturday. Police are stumped as prom season has been over for 2 weeks.

The Chatfield Reservoir in Denver has been reopened after closing it for 25 hours because of high levels of the E. coli bacteria. A spokesman lifting a glass of reservoir water said, “It was the 25 hour kind of E. coli everything is fine now.

In Columbus, Georgia the state has not banned but recommended people eat reduced amount of fish contaminated with the industrial runoff of mercury. The Department of Natural Resources coincidentally unveiled it’s newest add campaign, “Columbus salmon: Take a bite to see if your temperature is at ninety eight point seven.”

Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. The bungled crime forced President Richard Nixon to resign. The White House will celebrate by staging mock break-ins on the White House lawn. Those who attend are asked to keep the 10th anniversary in mind and are encouraged to watch their wallets.

Stool pigeon James McDougal, President Clinton’s former business partner in the failed Whitewater real estate deal, heads for the “gray-bar hotel” today to begin serving a three-year sentence. He could have received more than 80 years, but after he was convicted he sang like a bird. It’s unknown what he spilled about President Clinton and First Lady Hillary but the President said, “If it shaved 77 years off his sentence it’s got to be everything including the color of my underwear.”

Prince Charles should end his relationship with Camilla Parker Bowles or abdicate his claim to the throne, a senior clergyman said Sunday. “We are not going to have a confessed adulterer as supreme head of the Church of England, he must keep his gropings inside the confessionals like the rest of us. Now where’s that house boy with those hot towels?!”

In a related story the Church of England will confront the controversial issue of gay priests at a General Synod next month. The issue threatens to provoke the fiercest controversy in the church since its 1992 decision to approve the ordination of women. Up to 300 male priests left in protest. They had this to say about next months’ talks: “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

President Clinton this week says he needs time to decide whether the government should formally apologize to blacks for 100 years of slavery. Senate Republican leader Trent Lott said he would vote against such a measure, saying, “I think we should have an apology for what’s happening in America today.” Penny Marshall, after hearing this, immediately offered blacks an apology for time wasted watching “The Preacher’s Wife.” In a related story, the apology was not accepted.

On a sad note, Rally’s Hamburgers Inc. and Checkers Drive-in Restaurants have scrapped plans to merge in order to take on such fast food giants as McDonalds. The companies reached an impasse in negotiations when it was realized that it would cost an additional 39 cents to supersize the merger.

Microsoft has announced it will roll out a new breed of business desktop computers for a little as $1,000. Maniacal Microsoft monarch Bill Gates will then roll out an army of cyborg chimera servants who will strip the will of Earth dwellers. “I will no longer abide by nature’s laws!” Gates said. “The very air we breathe will be an escalator unto my feet, allowing my sinewy nude form to quell the unbridled arrogance of the birds!”

Super supermodel Naomi Campbell collapsed in the Canary Islands over the weekend and was hospitalizeed, treated, and released. Despite a statement from the hospital saying it was a drug overdose, her lawyer claims it was an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Other supermodels were dumbfounded when they heard the news, and they were dumbfounded before they heard the news.

British supermodel Naomi Campbell was discharged from a hospital in the Canary Islands Sunday after receiving emergency treatment for what a hospital official described as a drug overdose. Campbell reportedly was in the Canary Islands with Joaquin Cortes, a flaminco dancer with whom she insists she had to pop pills to keep up with.

Some people in Hollywood think Chris O’Donnell needs acting lessons—but he’s not one of them. O’Donnell who plays Boy Wonder said he tried it and They were all rolling around on the ground, it was dumb. Unlike Boy Wonder. His agent has been pushing him to do it along with almost everyone who’s ever directed him, saying, it could only add to his natural ability. You can only hide behind tights and a mask for so long.

Some people celebrated the premiere of the film “Dream with the Fishes” by engaging in one of the plot twists—nude bowling. Those naked scored significantly higher scores than those clothed. Said a bowler in a three piece suit, “of course they scored higher. It’s easy to throw a strike with a hood ornament out in front of you.”

Two members of the “popular” rap group Naughty By Nature were released from a New York jail after posting $1,000 bail each. The two were arrested for several crimes, including possession of guns. Meanwhile, two members of similar rap group Naughty By Nurture sat around complaining about how their mothers never paid any attention to them.

With President Clinton watching, Ernie Els won his second US Open by finishing at 4 under par for the tournament, defeating saggy breasted runner up Colin Montgomerie by one stroke. Montgomerie claims he would have won, but on Sunday, he only had his C cup game.

Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin is being charged with assault as Aaron Waller, accuses him of forcing him into a basement of a strip club and hitting him until finally, security guards arrived. Irvin believes that there was a mixup, as he explained that he thought his $100 had bought him both a table dance and a basement beating.

Well, the Utah Jazz left Chicago as losers but when they returned to Utah, they found 20,000 screaming adoring fans at the airport to welcome them. The Jazz players were obviously moved by the display, but were still losers.

The Chicago Bulls won their fifth championship in seven years Friday when Steve Kerr sealed the deal with a 14-footer. Kerr said he was looking forward to the time off, because “carrying this team on my shoulders like I’ve been doing for two years takes a toll.” Asked if he thought Jordan and Pippen would return, Kerr said, “I don’t care, I’ll play with a manatee. If he can get the ball in my hands, we’re going for six next year.”

06.17.97

A Cincinnati mother pleaded innocent to child neglect as she was spending up to 12 ours a day on the Internet. The accuser Sandra Hacker said, “It’s a lie if my children ever needed me all they had to do is type in www.Mommy@home.com.
OR

It’s a lie my children Jeffrey@hacker.com and Kathy@hacker.com after the sweet pants chat room are the most important things in my life.

A Judge ruled O.J. Simpson’s golf equipment should be sold at auction to help pay off the $32.5 million judgement against him over the deaths of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. Simpson’s attorney, Ronald Slates, argued that golf was an essential part of Simpson’s life as he plays 4 or 5 times a week. The judge in his ruling pointed out life was a big part of Nicole and Ron’s life and that Mr. Simpson should keep his mouth shut.

A Washington State hiker, lost in the Olympic National Park for nine days, said the sound of flutes and bagpipes led him to rescuers. A park ranger said the man was hallucinatory, clearly demonstrated by the fact that when he heard bagpipes, he followed them.

Michael Kennedy reportedly took and passed a privately given polygraph test to prove he is innocent of sleeping with an underage baby-sitter. This comes as little surprise to Massachusetts’s voters who for years have elected Kennedys to office for their strict moral guidance and unwavering devotion to the Kennedy women.

This week marks the 25th anniversary of Title IX, a groundbreaking landmark legislation that bans sex discrimination in schools. Since the inception of Title IX, women’s professional basketball leagues have grown from zero to two.

A Saudi suspect in the truck bombing that killed 19 US servicemen in Saudi Arabia last year could be headed to the United States. There have been delays because the suspect, Hani Abdel-Rahim, keeps making jokes about explosives as he goes through the metal detector.

Lawyers for Oklahoma City co-defendant Terry Nichols say their client was a victim of convicted bomber Timothy McVeigh. However, unlike the other 168 victims, Nichols still walks the earth and has mass, while the other victims are in the afterlife, licking their chops, waiting for McVeigh to join them.

President Clinton is very busy trying to raise money to get the Democratic Party out of debt. On the same night, the President addressed a Democratic National Committee African-American leadership dinner and then headed to a second DNC dinner with the National Jewish Democratic Council. Said the haggard President, “Better food and dancing at the first one, lot more Jews at the second.”

House Republicans intend to begin a fresh drive this week to shut down the National Endowment for the Arts. House Speaker Newt Gingrich suggested that wealthy artists donate a small percentage of their earnings to finance struggling artists. An N.E.A. spokesperson called Newt to explain to him that those artists are dead.

After wandering through Olympic National Park for nine days, it was the sound of imaginary flutes and bagpipes that led a lost hiker to his rescuers. Chris Wearstler, of Port Angeles crawled into a camp full of rescuers Sunday morning as they sat drinkin’ and playing cards. The hiker suffered from dehydration and exhaustion. “You and me both,” slurred one of the rescuers.

For most 24-year-olds, financial planning is an alien concept. But California’s Jim Winner, first lieutenant in the Air Force and soon-to-be judge advocate general, commonly referred to as a JAG lawyer, is an exception. This JAG often has been setting aside money for college educations for the children he hopes to have, who may one day grow up to be JAGs just like their proud papa, a truly incredible JAG off in his own right.

Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that customers would see a bolder, friendlier Col. Sanders in July when the franchise changes it’s founders image on corporate logos. A chicken spokesman said, “Americans won’t be fooled. They realize this man is the anti-Christ.” An hour later, he was devoured in a fresh and flavorful Chicken Caesar.

Big City Bagels, Inc. today announced that it had filed a registration statement with the Securities and Exchange Commission to register securities in connection with an intended reduction in the exercise price of the company’s outstanding Class A redeemable Common Stock Purchase Warrants. In layman’s terms, bagels are ready!

H.J. Heinz, the beloved ketchup making company, today is repoting a loss of nearly $230 million in the first quarter of 1997. The Pittsburgh-based ketchup maker has told stockholders that it has tried everything to get some profits out of the company, including such rash measures as hitting the bottom of it and sticking a knife in it.

The research arm of Microsoft plans to invest $80 million to establish a reesearch at Cambridge University. Microsoft Big Dick Bill Gates could not be reached for comment, as his giant flaming phone was off the hook.

Former Air Force lieutenant/bombshell Kelly Flinn, who has been on the minds of all red-blooded American men recently, has signed a deal to publish her story in “book” format this fall. Tentative titles for the tome include Hey, I Slept with Somebody! and Drop and Give Me Twenty…Kisses.

OR -- Co-editor Ann Godoff says the treatise will be “surprising and very human.” She, of course, is referring to the surprise ending where Flinn is revealed to be, in fact, human, instead of a boot-knockin’ android programmed solely for gettin’ it on.

The MacArthur Foundation this week awarded twenty-three people nearly $6 million in so-called “genius” grants, including Lee Breuer, a playwright whose most recent work combines the story of Peter Pan with Scottish folk music, Bunraku puppetry and Javanese shadow puppetry. This comes on the heels of Breuer’s previous award, the so-called “arty-crafty snooze-inducer” grant.

“Sexy” superstar Michael Flatley, the self-proclaimed “Lord of the Dance,” filed for divorce this week in the middle of a national tour. Flatley, when reached for comment in-between moments of grotesque posturing, replied, “I canna be tied down to one wooman! I’m Lord of the freakin’ Dance, people! D’ye know wha’ tha’ means? I’m a freakin’ pooosey magnet, don’t ye know!” Flatley then clogged into oblivion, forever to live in the hearts and minds of his “fans.”

Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow have broken off their engagement. A publicist for the couple said the split was amicable however it has yet to be decided who will get custody of the hair style they have been sharing.

Movie-goers ignored critics to make Speed 2 the highest grossing weekend film. If profitable, the makers are prepared for a second sequel concerning a high-voltage joy-buzzer strapped to a pair of roller skates.

A new album is being released that features the unlikely collaboration between Indian-born guitarist Sanjay Mishra and formerly living Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia. The album, “Blue Incantation,” features some of the final recordings by Garcia, who had heard Mishra’s demo tape and offered his assistance on the album. Already, a tour is in the works and hundreds of thousands of “Mishra Fishes,” fanatical former DeadHeads who were almost forced to go to work, are gearing up to follow Sanjay Mishra around the country, dancing like jagoffs and smelling and not spaying their dogs.

Sinead O’Connor received death threats over an upcoming festival in Jerusalem called “Sharing Jerusalem: Two Capitals for Two States.” They said if she performs under that headline they will shoot her. She decided not to go when the Vatican refused to lend her the Pope Mobile.

The US Open this weekend saw a dramatic 4-way dual for the victory eventually won by Ernie Els and the debut Open appearance by Tiger Woods, helping the event to it’s highest television ratings in a decade. The ecstatic Open chairman said, “This years tournament really gave bird watching and napping a run for its money! Open Fever, Baby! Feel the burn!”

06.18.97

The 15.7 million-member Southern Baptist Convention, angered by “Gay Days” at Disney theme parks, the extension of health benefits to partners of gay employees and the episode of “Ellen” on Disney owned ABC are voting today on whether to boycott Disney theme parks. The general public had this to say, “we are saddened to think of how much shorter the lines will be without the Southern Baptists. The cotton candy and prizes and song and dance will mean nothing. We’ll just have to try to get through it. It’s these trying times that bring us closer together.”

A North Korean military spokesman warned the United States and South Korea today it was ready for a “final battle” with them, accusing the two of planning an attack while it was weakened by a food shortage. He then recanted saying he’s just a little hypoglycemic and he’ll never make another statement on an empty stomach.

98 year-old Gyda Kaland ended up on Norways military reservist roster because she bought a new tractor. Norway maintains a list of useful civilian vehicles and may summon them and their owners to active service in wartime. Gyda, or as she’s called because of her spunk “Granny,” said no wonder that yellow-bellied sack-scratching son of mine wanted it in my name.

A woman who began growing facial hair after using Rogaine for hair loss is suing for $1.5 million. Gloria Mosesson, 73, is suing Pharmacia and Upjohn Inc., the maker of Rogaine, claiming it caused “heavy, dark, beard-like growth ... starting at about eyebrow level and extending down to the chin area.” Mosesson, or as her friends call her, “wolf,” filed the lawsuit Monday in Manhattan saying “I wanted to file it while the moon was in the gibbous phase. You ride that subway into the city all furry like I get on the full moon, no one gives up their seat.”

The United Nations believes that the information can help the poor. The International Fund for Agricultural Development, or WNBA, is working on databanks that would allow the rural poor in isolated areas to communicate with one another so they can share stories about being poor, exchange poor recipes, and enter into “Poor Adults Only” chat rooms. (“If you’re under 18 or not destitute, go back now!”)

A Saudi suspect in the truck bombing that killed 19 US servicemen in Saudi Arabia last year has finally arrived in the United States. There have been delays because the suspect, Hani Abdel-Rahim, kept making jokes about explosives as he was going through the airport metal detector.

Traveling comedian Vinson Champ was ordered to stand trial of charges of rape of a woman at the University of Nebraska at Omaha. He is also a suspect in campus rapes in Iowa, Illinois, Wisconsin and California. Police officials said while at first they where unsure the comedian was a suspect, but his modus operandi of thanking his victims for showing up and then asking them to drop off their business cards in his “fishbowl”, led them to suspect the wily college comedian.

The NAACP in South Carolina has called for the city’s 58,000 blacks who have an estimated $1.3 billion in daily spending power, to boycott white owned businesses Saturday. “We’re not worrying,” a spokesman for South Carolina’s Haggis Association said, “I mean if I where a chicken place or a rib shack we’d really be sweating the boycott out-- but no one likes haggis.”

The United Nations Chief Kofi Annan harshly criticized the United States for not paying all of its back dues. He warned that if the U.S. did not pay the other $500 million the country owes, it might miss out on the UN Democracy/Socialist sock-hop or field a team for the UN summer softball league .

Home Shopping Network has launched an online auction on the Web. Internet Shopping Network Chief Executive Officer Kirk Loevner said, “our focus is computers, consumer electronics and general merchandise” that I wouldn’t buy if you put a gun to my head. But we’re appealing to that white trash, trailer park, tire burnin’, generic brand cigarette smokin’ flem hackin’ Joe that only dreams of owning a double-wide one day. We should do well.

British Telecom and merger partner MCI launched a transmission service for U.S. satellite television broadcasters. The company hopes to win a 30% share of the $250 million U.S. market. Satellite users are said to be reticent, but will not rush to judgement until they are sure The Benny Hill Show plays no part in the deal.

Joe Camel is suing the Federal Trade Commission. RJ Reynolds is accusing the FTC of politically motivated harassment in its campaign to have the cartoon figure banned. If Joe is victorious, a wave of cartoon characters seeking justice is expected, beginning with a class action defamation suit against Disney on behalf of Clarabell.

The talks between dozens of states and the tobacco industry are in a crisis. State Attorneys General say they will walk out of the talks if the tobacco industry does not agree on three issues. The tobacco industry, ever helpful, has suggested that if the Attorneys General do walk out, they should light up a satisfying smoke, relax, and then come back inside.

Southern Baptists have decided to organize a boycott of the Walt Disney Company because the Baptists believe that many of Disney’s policies, including domestic partner benefits, theme park “Gay Days,” and the whole “Ellen” thing, are too “gay-friendly.” A too-tolerant Disney spokesman, upon hearing of the boycott, said, “Boycott? That would be a fabulous new name for Epcot.”

Kenneth Branagh has announced plans for his new film, “The Theory of Flight,” about a man, played by Branagh, who is “hiding from life.” Shooting is slated to start later this month, with audiences hiding from the movie by the beginning of the year.

Former Air Force lieutenant/bombshell Kelly Flinn, who has been on the minds of all red-blooded American men recently, has signed a deal to publish her story in “book” format this fall. Tentative titles for the tome include Hey, I Slept with Somebody! and Drop and Give Me Twenty…Kisses.

Recent widow Candice Bergen has chosen to omit her name from Emmy contention once again this year in the category of lead actress in a “comedy” series. “Let someone else have a chance,” the star was quoted as saying. “I’m far too talented to steal this award away from someone who really deserves it; like Helen Hunt who, by the way, the author of this ‘joke’ saw naked in The Waterdance.”

One hit uber wonder Jakob Dylan in an interview for Details magazine he never reads his fan mail because his lawyers told him not to. “I mean that one letter has been sitting around here for a while but for me it’s always going to be about the money never the music. So if my lawyer tells me to do something you can damn well bet I’m going to do it.”

After weeks of rumors that a chance was in the works NBC has recast it’s sitcom “Men Behaving Badly” as both Ron Eldard and Justine Bateman will be replaced. An NBC spokesman assured viewers, “The show will still suck but there will be some new people sucking it up. Don’t forget the anchor of all suckdum Rob “Sucky” Schneider will be returning to the helm the SS. Suckest suck suck suck, or as we call it Men Behaving Badly.

Future Hall of Fame wide out Art Monk has announced his retirement from the NFL. This was a stunning announcement that shocked many around the league, who did not realize he had be playing for the last six years.

In the first regular season subway series between the Yankees and the Mets, it’s tied at a game apiece after the Yankees, behind the strong arm of David Wells, beat the Mets 6-3. After the game, Wells unveiled his time machine that his great grandfather, H.G. Wells, has handed down through the family and also introduced the Yankees’ newest weapon, a 19 year old Babe Ruth, fresh from a Baltimore boys’ home and eager to sample 1997 hot dogs.

Chicago Bulls chairman Jerry Reinsdork, says he won’t discuss the future of coach Phil Jackson and deity Michael Jordan until the team decides what to do with the strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen. The Bulls could trade Pippen, but Reinsdorf acknowledges that it would be hard to fill the shoes of Pippen, who rebounds, plays defense, passes well, and has a crazy flat long face.

Mike Tyson is expected to command a $30 million purse for his rematch fight for the Heavyweight Championship June 28th. Tyson is believed to be the main draw because apparently there’s a lot of tune-in value for convicted rapists. Not to mention the role model he is to this country’s youth for having failed his G.E.D. while in prison. Since his release from prison in 1995, millions of men who have wives and daughters have taken hard earned cash from their paychecks to elevate the boxer into the biggest pay-per-view draw in history. Did I mention he’s fighting the well spoken gentleman who knocked him down in the 11th round last year, Reigning Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield?

A felony gun charge against Chicago Bears player Alonzo Spellman was thrown out Tuesday by a Cook County judge. Circuit Judge Nicholas Pomaro ruled that Illinois state police had no legal right to search Spellman’s Mercedes Benz when they stopped him for speeding. Had it been a Green Bay Packer there would have been just cause.

06.19.97

British Muslims hailed what was described as a “miracle message” from God written inside a tomato. When school girl Shaista Javed, 14, sliced the tomato in half, she found the message spelled out in Arabic in its veins. On one side she read “There is only one God,” while the other said “Mohammed is the messenger.” Sources close to Shaista, mainly just her parents now that she’s reading tomatoes, said we are proud of our daughter. I mean look at Bernadette, people came to believe her. Shaista loves “The Song of Bernadette,” that’s all she watches, literally, she’s been out of her room once since we rented it and that was just to read the tomato.

Leona Helmsley may have put a “for sale” sign on her $5 billion real estate portfolio which includes skyscrapers, apartment buildings, shopping centers, hotels, Park Place, Boardwalk, electric, water works and-- she’s the banker. Of course she wants to sell. The game’s over, she owns everything, everything but a get out of jail free card.

Mathematicians and religious historians worldwide are astounded by what has become commonly known as “the bible codes,” messages about future world events supposedly encoded in the ancient passages of the Torah. Scientists now say that they have made another surprising discovery: if you start playing Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon during The Ten Commandments, Charlton Heston looks like he’s kind of dancing along during one part.

Republicans on the House committee investigating campaign fund-raising scandals have voted their chairman wide unilateral powers this week. The powers, including the abilities to cloud men’s minds and to discern what kind of cereal someone is eating, are supposedly going to come in “handy.”

A California Superior Judge this week denied an attempt by O.J. Simpson’s lawyer to characterize a $6,000 lamp as “ordinary and necessary” to Simpson’s household. “When I go home, I’m going to ask my wife if we have any $6,000 lamps,” said Judge Irving Shimer. “Not because I want to know about the lamps,” he went on to say, “but because it’s nice to know I still have a wife, and that I haven’t murdered and left her in a pool of coagulated blood.”

A new study suggests that people leave their genetic fingerprints, their DNA, all over such common objects as pens, keys, coffee mugs, Heisman trophies, unfound knives, front gates, carpeting of a sport-utility vehicle, and other things. The report went on to say that DNA could also be found on sidewalks in front of Beverly Hills condos. And a stray glove. And black socks. (Carl) That’s quite a thorough study.

Sirhan Sirhan, convicted assassin of Senator Robert Kennedy, was denied parole for a tenth time. “I believe I’m innocent of this crime,” he said. He also believes that Ted Kennedy is excellent Presidential potential, thus proving to the parole board that he doesn’t know right from the Kennedys.

Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in response to President Clinton’s non-response on race relations, has outlined a ten-point plan to promote racial healing. After delivering the speech, Gingrich got into his car, locked the doors, rolled up the windows, and tried not to make eye contact.

Two wealth San Francisco interior decorators have been accused of laundering money for the Cali drug cartel. Police began the investigation of the two interior decorators when they noticed a wicker chair paired with a mahogany plant holder. “I had to turn away,” said an aghast investigator.

OJ Simpson’s Heisman Trophy has been found and will be sold as part of the civil settlement. Simpson’s trophy was found in a box along with A.C. Cowling’s “I Have a Famous Friend” trophy. The two trophies claim that they were not trying to get away but just wanted to visit the site where OJ’s mother’s “Most Affable Bridge Partner” trophy was stored.

The U.S. trade deficit in April rose 7.8% to $8.4 billion, as record exports were not enough to offset record imports the Department of Commerce said. A spokesman for the Department said, “We’re really taking it in the shorts from that whole buy 12 records for a penny deal. I knew I shouldn’t have let my college roommate use my name.”

MasterCard unveiled a Corporate Executive credit card offering concierge services that include translators, travel booking and meeting facility arrangements. MasterCard said Executive travelers are still on their own with wrangling hookers, but suggest slipping the concierge “a cool Franklin.”

Northwest Airlines has announced that starting July 1st, it will scrap showing movies on domestic flights. This was expected since a Northwest flight to Juneau nearly crashed when the pilots inexplicably refused to miss the end of The First Wives Club.

Southern Baptists officially called for a boycott of all things Disney due to its “gay-friendly” policies. An exasperated Disney exec said of the week-long ordeal, “We’ve promoted family values for seventy years! Who ya gotta blow to keep these Baptists off your ass?”

Oil prices fell sharply Wednesday under pressure from excess of crude while vinegar prices rose. Salad Dressing prices remain stable, while Summer’s Eve stock soars.

In the talks between the states and the tobacco industry, a settlement is near and it could end up costing the US insurance industry more than $250 billion. “It’s going to be huge,” said a lawyer with the National Association of Independent Insurers, “The insurance industry will pay out a lot. Jesus. I could use a smoke. Oh, I see how they do it now.”

Westinghouse will be splitting its firm between media and industrial operations but says it will retain Thermos King as part of its media holding. Westinghouse says that Thermos King keeps hot things hot and cool things cool and how do it know?

If “60 Minutes” inquisitor Mike Wallace had his way, the execution of bomber Timothy McVeigh would be televised. Wallace went on to say “it only takes a few seconds so I guess we’d throw it Morley’s way. He could put a little twist on it.”

When it comes to her favorite movie kisses, Faye Duaway spans the generations. She had on-screen kisses with Marlon Brando, William Holden, Warren Beatty and Mickey Rourke. But when the LA Times asked who was the most memorable kisser, she said: “Steve McQueen in “The Thomas Crown Affair.” She also rated Jhonny Depp, co-star in “Don Juan de Marco,” as a “very good kisser.” When asked about Jack Nicholson in “China Town,” she said “he’s a good kisser, he’s a bad kisser, he’s a good kisser and a bad kisser.”

Christian recording Bob Carlisle has jumped to the top of the Billboard charts with sales of 234,000 units. However, Soundscan figures are being checked, as there have been reports of an elderly god-like man buying 233,000 at Tower records.

Gladys Knight took the stage this week at the White House in a performance for President Clinton. President and “Mrs.” Clinton sang along during Knight’s trademark “Georgia” medley – “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” “Georgia On My Mind” and “Midnight Train to Georgia.” Knight then went into a thirty minute Georgia Satellites medley, which left the first “couple” holding their ears and longing for the days when they could just tune out Barbara Streisand.

The New York City health department has sent a letter to Madonna, telling her to comply with the law and install childproof guards on her apartment windows to protect baby Lourdes. “I know they’re trying to help,” said the singer. “But what’s wrong with shooting for a ‘Tears in Heaven’-style hit? I could use one.”

The FBI foiled a $150,000 extortion attempt on Utah Jazz owner and used-car-shill Larry Miller this week. FBI Special Agent Scott Sanders, who resembles and portrayed Miller in the ransom drop, captured the suspect, who had a fake bomb in his possession. Agent Sanders is now being treated as a hero in Utah, mitigated only by the fact that he unfortunately resembles Larry Miller.

Little leaguer Tony Smith, who pitches for his team despite missing his right arm sights Jim Abbott as his hero, who pitches in the majors despite the same condition. “It’s great when you can inspire a child,” said Abbott, formerly known for being the hero of every opposing batter in the American League.

Kuwait and Iraq will compete next month in the Arab Games. It is the first time the countries have shared a sports arena since the 1991 Gulf War, causing optimistic Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to call the Arab Games “The Mother Of All Insignificant Sporting Events.”

06.20.97

The DNA Formerly Known As "Prints"

A new study suggests that people leave their genetic fingerprints (their DNA) all over such common objects as pens, keys, coffee mugs, Heisman trophies, unfound knives, front gates, carpeting of a sport-utility vehicle, and other things. The report went on to say that DNA could also be found on sidewalks in front of Brentwood condos. And a stray glove. And black socks.

Holiday In Cambodia

Contradicting an earlier report, Cambodia's co-premier Norodom Ranariddh said that Khmer Rouge strongman Pol Pot had not been found. Ranariddh explained, "I said, 'We found some really good pot.' That's all. We make announcements about that sort of thing because this is Cambodia, after all."

Holy Piece Of Crap, Batman!

With the release of what is expected to be a huge blockbuster, store shelves are littered with Batman and Robin merchandise such as coffee mugs, T-shirts, cookie jars and much more. An upcoming product already causing controversy is a "Batman" bat, a living rabid bat that, when released, will get tangled in your hair and terrify your whole family, or your neighbors, if you are without family.

Boy/Boycott

Southern Baptists officially called for a boycott of all things Disney due to its "gay-friendly" policies. An exasperated Disney exec said of the weeklong ordeal, "We've promoted family values for seventy years! Who ya gotta blow to keep these Baptists off your back?"

8 lbs., 3 oz. ...Per Breast

Pamela Anderson Lee is pregnant, telling reporters she can't wait to be a mommy again. Someone then reminded her that her 1-year-old son is still alive and that she never stopped being a mommy.

Bad Rap

Two members of the "popular" rap group Naughty By Nature were released from a New York jail after posting $1,000 bail each. The two were arrested for several crimes, including possession of guns. Meanwhile, two members of similar rap group Naughty By Nurture sat around complaining about how their mothers never paid any attention to them.

Switch Hitter

Boston Red Sox infielder Wil Cordero, who has not played since being charged with domestic abuse by his wife, received clearance today to rejoin the team. Cordero, in a press conference, said, "I love my wife Ana and my family with all my heart and soul." Meanwhile, his wife and daughter stood to the left of the right-handed infielder and flinched only when he scratched his head or moved.

Goin' To The Rollers

In Roller Derby news, disappointed fans still line up to buy tickets to Los Angeles Thunderbirds games. "We don't have a lot to do here in Los Angeles," said Corky T. McFakey, "and for many of us, the Thunderbirds is all we got."

Run On Sentence

Three Florida youths were sentenced this week to 15 years in prison for removing a stop sign at an intersection where three teens drove into the path of a truck. Judge Bob Mitcham told the youths during sentencing, "I understand your parents love you as much as these parents loved their deceased children. There are no winners." He, of course, was forgetting about the stop sign, which finally found a loving home away from the hustle and the bustle of the admittedly "noisy" intersection.

Live And Let Die

In Missouri, U.S. Senator Christopher Bond said he will soon introduce legislation that blocks other Senators from singing the James Bond theme whenever he enters a room. "It's just real annoying," a visibly disturbed Bond said in a "prepared" statement.

Fatso Can't Swallow Pride

A Brazilian man is suing a dentist who refused to treat him because he said the man was too fat. 320-lb Ronaldo Bertolotti told reporters the dentist "was afraid his chair might break." Mr. Bertolotti, who originally visited the dentist to have a waiter removed from between his back molars, will now have to wait until a settlement is agreed upon. Meanwhile, the waiter had no comment.

Smoke and Mirrors?

President Clinton is pledging to study carefully the proposed $368.5 billion tobacco settlement. Clinton said the federal government wants to make sure that the elements of the deal do not undermine public health, yet continue to paralyze the cilia in smokers' lungs in order to keep them cocoa brown and sticky.

Baptist Boy Caught

It was not hard to find Southern Baptists at Walt Disney World on the first weekend after their leaders urged members to boycott. "We already had our tickets and reservations," said a 33-year-old father of three, "I don't know if we'll come back. We'll have to hear what they say at church. I just hope they don't have us cut our balls off or drink some poisoned juice. I mean, I'll do it because I'm religious, but I won't like it."

Pure Kane Sugar

Bob Kane, the 81-year-old comic book artist who created Batman, said he thought George Clooney is better than the previous Batmen and that Alicia Silverstone did a "fine job" in the just-released film. Kane then went on to say he thought staring into the sun for 3 hours a day can keep your arches from falling and that little leprechauns were nibbling at his tail.

Clown Without Pity

TV Guide has chosen the demise of Chuckles the Clown on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" as the No. 1 television episode of all time. "I'm not surprised. TV Guide has always shown MTM favoritism," said a source from the Mr. Belvedere series.

Chicks On The Rebound

The WNBA was a big hit this weekend. At least it was with the players. "To play in a league like this has always been my dream," said Cleveland Rockers guard Lynette Woodard, who was also the first woman to play with the Harlem Globetrotters. She and the rest of the WNBA then competed with all the skill and dexterity of the Washington Senators. You go, girls!

Picture Perfect

Englishman Mark Blundell edged out Brazilian Gil de Ferran to win his first CART series victory at the Budweiser/GI Joe's 200 this weekend. Blundell and de Ferran both hit the checkered flag in a photo finish, but the win went to Blundell when the picture showed he was racing with a six-pack in his lap and a GI Joe action figure in the passenger seat.

06.24.97

All's Well That Roswell

On the 50th anniversary of the Roswell "crash," the Airforce has given its fifth explanation for the event, saying now that alleged alien bodies seen by alleged witnesses were dummies dropped from balloons as part of a parachute test. One official said, "We take it for granted now that you need a parachute to survive a fall from a plane. In 1947, we weren't as sophisticated. Those tests saved the lives thousands of infantry men and maybe if the aliens had used parachutes, they wouldn't be dead now." He then said "oops," slammed a smoke bomb to the ground and quickly scampered from the briefing.

Double Time

The Supreme Court ruled this week that sexual predators judged to be dangerous could be locked up even after they finish serving their sentences. Sexual predators judged to be friendly, on the other hand, will be forced to participate in multi-level marketing schemes.

Incest La Vie

A study released by South Carolina's Department of Human Services says cases of incest have risen 43% in the past year. A spokesman for the Department said, "It seems everyone and their mother is doing it."

Air Jordan

Nike Inc. will recall shoes carrying a logo that has offended Muslims, due to its resemblance to the word "Allah". Nike says the controversy has helped them develop a deeper understanding of Islamic concerns, and will offer anyone who has already purchased the shoes a choice between a "death to the children of Isaiah" T-shirt or a "Muslims Do It 5 Times A Day" bumper sticker.

Tsing Dow

Japanese Prime Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto's comments in a speech about unstable currency relations caused that skittish Dow to tumble 192 points Monday in the biggest drop of the year. Tickled by the power his words wield, the most honorable Hashimoto then christened Vendela as "the superest of supermodels" and said that he'd like to see Foghat get back together.

Fat Cat

Roseanne's foray into the world of TV talk shows hasn't even hit the air yet and already it's pulling in the big bucks. Syndicator KingWorld's partner Roger King calls it the biggest launch he's ever been involved with. "Not the biggest lunch though," he said after dining with the star.

'Til Death Do Us Part, Or 1998 (Whichever Comes First)

Former priest John McLaughlin joined Tony Randall in the "Creepy Old Men Who Marry Younger Women Club" by wedding his 36 year old production assistant Cristina Vidal. Vidal said she has no plans of starting a family, as she is busy enough changing McLaughlin's diapers, adding, "I mean I love him well enough, but for such a well spoken guy, he can really make a rank smelly."

It's In the Hole!

Jim Colbert, Senior Tour Player of the Year in '95 and '96, underwent surgery for prostate cancer Monday, joining Arnold Palmer. Doctors report the surgery went well, with the 56-year-old Colbert saying, "Be happy with what you have. I always wanted to be like Arnold Palmer. Now look. My prostate's in a bucket in the basement."

Silver And Black Attack

Longtime Oakland Raiders fan Girard Green turned 100 this week and received an extraordinary gift to mark the occasion-- current and former members of the Oakland Raiders visited him at his home. "I was thrilled," said the old man, as he lay on the ground trying to recover from a vicious and illegal crackback block laid on him by "Assassin" Jack Tatum. Said Tatum, explaining his actions, "The middle of the living room is mine. Anybody who comes across the middle is a target."

06.25.97

Old News

The Senate, in a move designed to raise the blood pressure of Q-tips everywhere, voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67 and raise the premiums of affluent seniors. Without these proposals, the Senate claims, Medicare would go bankrupt in 2002, leaving seniors with even surlier attitudes and more stick-like arms.

Are Those Safety Glasses In Your Pocket, or Are You Just In Violation Of The Law?

Lawmakers in Delaware will consider gun control legislation that requires anyone applying for a concealed weapons permit to purchase safety glasses. A spokesman for the Optometrists Alliance, with a conspicuous bulge in his breast pocket, said, "We're all for any legislature that...Did you just call me four-eyes?"

Bodies In Motion

Skeptics are scoffing at the Air Force's explanation of alleged alien bodies seen near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. Other skeptics are scoffing at those skeptics for calling themselves skeptics, saying, "We have got to establish more rigid skeptic guidelines. I scoff at everything, okay? I'm a skeptic. They believe Marvin the Martian landed near Albuquerque. They're drunks. See? Skeptical."

You Likee Nike?

According to former UN Ambassador Andrew Young, workers at Nike factories in Asia are well treated. However, many are unaware of their rights and are often supervised by managers who don't speak their language. A spokesman for Nike said, "We just thought German managers would be more efficient. They're good communicators."

Long Overdue

Microsoft Head and Pythonic Chieftain Bill Gates and "wife" Melinda French "Mitzie" Gates have announced a donation of $200 million to be distributed to 8,000 public libraries, marking the 9th straight month local charity Second City Naked News Beer Swilling Fund has been overlooked for contribution. Mr. Gates, how can you live with yourself?

Mr. Smith Goes To Columbia

Will Smith, back on top of the charts this week with his "Men In Black" theme song, has inked a "lucrative" deal to record with Columbia Records. Meanwhile, DJ Jazzy Jeff, back on top of the McDonald's employee of the month chart, has inked a "lucrative" deal to man the shake machine. Say, Jazzy, do fries come with that shake? "I can take the next person in line," replied the still-parent-beleaguered DJ.

Scary Lewis

PBS has announced a new preschool series, The Charlie Horse Music Pizza, starring ventriloquist Shari Lewis. Shari, who was previously semi-retired due to a lack of dexterity in her hands owing to arthritis, said her condition won't affect her sock puppets. She explained, "The kids won't even notice I can barely move my hands. A lot of the new characters will be stroke victims and stutterers."

That's Some Johnson!

Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, who earlier discussed retirement, has decided to come back for one more season with a contract extension somewhere between 8 and 8.4 million dollars. At a press conference, Johnson said, "The only reason I would come back would be if the Lord put it in my heart to do something other than retiring." When reporters asked what that might be, Johnson shot back, "Weren't you listening? Somewhere between 8 million and 8.4 million dollars. Damn, for reporters, you are a bunch of dumb mother (expletive deleted)."

Hail These Comets

The 16,285 fans who showed to see the Houston Comets of the WNBA set a new attendance record for the fledgling league. This mark may inspire more WNBA teams to have its players offer a post-game lingerie show. Good luck, ladies!

06.26.97

Bummed Out

The Los Angeles City Council this week endorsed one of the toughest panhandling laws in the country- and stewbums who violate it face stiff citations. Mayor Richard Riordan was pleased, saying, "We hope that transients will no longer aggressively beg pedestrians for money to buy food, and instead start begging them for money to pay these fines."

Yasser, He's My Baby

Pope JP2, in two letters sent to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanahu and Palestinian President Yasser Arafat, urged the leaders to restart the Middle East Peace process. When asked what was in the letters, the Pope slyly replied, "Can you keep a secret? Well, I put on both of them, I know someone who likes you. They've both been calling me begging to know who it is, but I won't tell them until peace is reached."

Spousal Support

A poll taken by USA Today shows that a third of U.S. husbands say they wouldn't relocate for their wives careers. The other two-thirds opened the door just a crack, leaving the chain on, and said they couldn't talk, all the while nervously wiping their hands on their frilly aprons.

Fizz Biz

Beverage behemoths Pepsi and Coca-Cola plan to take the bottled water world through a sea of change. "Anytime Coke and Pepsi get into the market, they're going to shake things up," states John Sicher, publisher of Beverage Digest. Consumers are expected to avoid the products for a while, afraid of having the beverage spray all over them.

Check It Out!

Lawrence Ellison, the chairman of software company Oracle, in what many are saying is a response to software peddler Bill Gates' $200 million dollar gift, has pledged $100 million to bring computers and Internet access to public schools and libraries. "Ellison? He means nothing! I won't even kiss him before I screw him over," Gates proclaimed, as he began shrinking himself down to microscopic size in order to penetrate the bloodstreams of his archenemies and implant minuscule fishhooks in their stomach linings to cause irreversible internal bleeding. "When I get back, make sure my live rare butterfly suit is ready," he instructed his underlings, who were molded in his image through extensive use of plastic surgery and inflatable bladders.

Over The Top

Tiny Sylvester Stallone is embroiled in what could only be described as a "brouhaha" with his neighbors in Miami. But fellow residents aren't saying "ha ha" to Stallone's attempts to place illegal buoys adjacent to his estate. Stallone, who was trying to keep gawkers away from his private dock with markers reading "Keep Out," was allowed by officials to move them closer to shore and change the wording to "Shallow." Police say that the water is, in fact, thirty-five feet deep, but the signs will now refer to Stallone himself.

M*A*S*Her

Actor and despoiler of women Harry Morgan had criminal wife-beating charges against him dropped this week. A Los Angeles judge cleared the charges after the 82-year-old actor spent half of the rest of his life completing a six-month violence counseling program. The judge then told him, "I never want to see you before me again, Mr. Morgan." This sentiment is shared by all those who were conned into watching AfterMash.

I Was Mistook

Mike Tyson said in an interview this week that after his November 7th bout with Evander Holyfield, he thought he had won until his handlers told him he was knocked out in the 11th round. Boxing fans know of a similar incident with Tyson, when he thought he'd had a night of sensitive, need-fulfilling love-making until an Indiana court told him he was guilty of rape.

Philadelphia Freedom

Philadelphia Phillies reliever Reggie Harris was suspended five games and fined heavily for intentionally throwing at a batter Sunday. Harris was ejected from Sunday's game after hitting the Braves' Andrew Jones with a pitch to the stomach. Harris denies any wrongdoing, which is going to be hard to prove, considering that he threw an ashtray.

06.27.97

On The "Brinks?"

An armored car guard in Stroud, Oklahoma returned from a restaurant this week to find his partner gone, $2.7 million missing from the truck, and a postcard with a note reading, "Is Paris nice this time of year? Oui. Bye." FBI agents will now scour the country for this genius bilingual meteorologist.

They're Magically Delicious...?

Just 36 hours after British Prime Minister Tony Blair launched an initiative aimed at persuading the Irish Republic Army to abandon its attacks against British rule in Northern Ireland, a bomb attack was launched on a police patrol in Belfast. Said an anonymous spokesman for the IRA, "Sure and we didn't launch that bomb." Said his companion, "Sure, Mike's right. We didn't launch that bomb." Said the other, "Sure, and you just used my name, Paddy. Oh, now look, I just used yours. All right, then, Godspeed."

All's Well That Roswell

On the 50th anniversary of the Roswell "crash," the Airforce has given its fifth explanation for the event, saying now that alleged alien bodies seen by alleged witnesses were dummies dropped from balloons as part of a parachute test. One official said, "We take it for granted now that you need a parachute to survive a fall from a plane. In 1947, we weren't as sophisticated. Those tests saved the lives thousands of infantry men and maybe if the aliens had used parachutes, they wouldn't be dead now." He then said "oops," slammed a smoke bomb to the ground and quickly scampered from the briefing.

Air Jordan

Nike Inc. will recall shoes carrying a logo that has offended Muslims, due to its resemblance to the word "Allah". Nike says the controversy has helped them develop a deeper understanding of Islamic concerns, and will offer anyone who has already purchased the shoes a choice between a "death to the children of Isaiah" T-shirt or a "Muslims Do It 5 Times A Day" bumper sticker.

The Check's In The...Computer?

Microsoft and First Data Corp. have set up a jointly owned company that will let customers pay their monthly bills through the Internet. A curiously pale and plastic-headed Bill Gates, in a statement released by skittish understrappers with eyes for teeth, said, "Anything that eliminates jobs and human contact in general can only further my efforts to father dissent and mistrust, which is essential if one is to eliminate common decency and take over the world!"

Baptist Boy Caught

It was not hard to find Southern Baptists at Walt Disney World on the first weekend after their leaders urged members to boycott Disney. "We already had our tickets and reservations said a 33-year-old father of three. "I don't know if we'll come back. We'll have to hear what they say at church. I just hope they don't have us cut our balls off or drink some poisoned juice. I mean I'll do it because I'm religious but I won't like it."

Pure Kane Sugar

Bob Kane, the 81-year-old comic book artist who created Batman, said he thought George Clooney is better than the previous Batmen and that Alicia Silverstone did a "fine job" in the just-released film. Kane then went on to say he thought staring into the sun for 3 hours a day can keep your arches from falling and that little leprechauns were nibbling at his tail.

Wheelchair Quarterback

Longtime Oakland Raiders fan Girard Green turned 100 this week and received an extraordinary gift to mark the occasion-- current and former members of the Oakland Raiders visited him at his home. "I was thrilled," said the old man, as he lay on the ground trying to recover from a vicious and illegal crackback block laid on him by "Assassin" Jack Tatum. Said Tatum, explaining his actions, "The middle of the living room is mine. Anybody who comes across the middle is a target."

Pardon Me

Mike Tyson said in an interview this week that after his November 7th bout with Evander Holyfield, he thought he had won until his handlers told him he was knocked out in the 11th round. Boxing fans know of a similar incident with Tyson, when he thought he'd had a night of sensitive, need-fulfilling love-making until an Indiana court told him he was guilty of rape.

06.30.97

Hong Kong Phooey

Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.

Red Hotline

Gen. Nikolai Kovalyov, head of Russian counter-intelligence, said his public offer to Russians spying for foreign powers to call a special hotline and become double agents has caught 11 foreign agents and stopped 39 attempts to send secret information abroad in the past 6 months. Sadly, his personal ad stating "Sensitive General looking for 30 to 40ish full-figured Beethoven-lover to share life of mystery and tasteful 3-room Moscow flat" goes unanswered.

Netanyahu's Serious

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu condemned the spread of a poster which depicts Muslim Prophet Mohammed as a pig stomping on the Koran, stating "Doesn't anyone find this a bit obvious? I'm not in love with the Muslims, but that poster's just not funny. We're Jews, for Christ sake. We can do better than that."

Blockbusted

Viacom's plan to sell stock in its Blockbuster Entertainment Group is in doubt as the video rental chain's performance worsens. Viacom, however, claims that Blockbuster is not struggling and anyone who buys stock in the company can, if they choose, keep it for three full nights before returning it.

Have It Your Way

Trying to revive lagging sales, McDonalds will be offering its customers custom-made burgers. An Arch Deluxe ordered without onions will have a stamp on it saying, "Prepared just the way you like it." Grilled Chicken Deluxe cartons will be labeled "Made for me." And Happy Meals designed for children will contain "Listen to the clown. The clown is good."

Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"

Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.

The Guy Who Loved Me

Rupert Everett, the My Best Friend's Wedding star who was on the mind of all red-blooded American faghags this week, is negotiating to play the first gay secret agent. The actor will co-write the feature, tentatively titled Hey, We Found a Hook that No One has Used Before. "Who do I have to blow to get this movie made?" asked Everett at the pitch meeting. "Hold my calls," David Geffen said to his secretary, "and get that ambitious young man in here NOW!"

Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?

In Saturday's heavyweight bout with Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson came out biting in the third round, feasting on Holyfield's ears like he was digging into a half-rack of Chili's babyback ribs. In his indecipherable explanation, Tyson first insisted that Holyfield "just fell down some stairs," after which he justified it by the head-butts, saying, "I have one eye. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me." When reached for comment, the youngest Tysons, who always keep their hands above their faces like mommy taught them, said that this kind of thing is known around their house as "daddy's special scary playtime."

Brits Throw Snit Fits

Wimbledon's normally sedate Center Court erupted this weekend as Brit Tim Henman beat Paul Haarhuis in a five set classic. The mannerly British crowd taunted Haarhuis the entire match, launching "zingers" like "How do you spell your name again?" and "We are not rooting for you, but rather for our countryman, Tim Henman." Haarhuis seemed to sag a little when a heckler shouted, "If you win, Haarhuis, we will be disappointed."

Smooth Wooden Ball Interview with Dana Gould

2007-01-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

SWB: Hello, this is Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News. I'm here with Dana Gould. How ya doing Dana?

DG: Hi Smooth Wooden Ball. Good to see you again. I haven't seen you since the bocci tournament.

SWB: That was a long time ago. You had a pilot that was passed on.

DG: Yeah.

SWB: Was it sort of a double slap in the face that it was passed on by Fox?

DG: Yeah. Well the amazing thing is that I have been "passed on" by so many major networks now that it is part of an ongoing series of disappointments. What is so amazing about it, is that they spent over a million dollars to make it and then they just abandon it.

SWB: Did they give you any reasons why they didn't like it?

DG: Technically... no. I know the reasons why they didn't go for it but-

SWB: --And what would those be?

DG: They went with an ethnic lineup for their new comedies and I guess "Irish" wasn't one of those ethnicities. So that's fine. It's sorta payback time for the blue-eyed devil as far as TV lineups are concerned. I'm the Irish Rosa Parks as far as the Fox schedule is concerned.

SWB: So what are some other things you're working on then? You have a CD that's coming out?

DG: Yeah... I have my first CD coming out in July and that'll be on Virgin.

SWB: Let me ask you something. How long do you think it will take before it winds up in the bargain bin.

DG: I'm hoping to go straight to the bargain bin. Well, if the CD works like the show... it'll never be released. They'll get a big shipment in and melt them. I'll get a big, BIG metal ball in my backyard. "Those are my CDs!"

You have a very negative slant to your questions and I don't mind telling you that. You're just a discarded castor.

SWB: I didn't just roll out of the musket pile. Well right now your image is on the screen... would you like to see it do something cool?

DG: Yes. I have always wanted to have a chainsaw hand like "Ash" in "Evil Dead."

SWB: Okay, let's get the chainsaw hand on there. Have you ever been drunk? I mean, really drunk.

DG: I've been drunk with a lack of power. Some people get drunk on power. I get drunk with a lack of power. I wake up sometimes in the morning and realize that I can't affect change or tell anyone what to do. And it gets me silly.

SWB: I was wondering what it would be like to get a prank phone call from, oh I don't know... Don Knotts.

DG: Well that's the problem with Don Knotts. He can't make crank phone calls. He has that super identifiable voice. Well, you know he'd like to make crank phonecalls. He's up at 3 a.m. in a dirty bathrobe.

"Well (sniffing) I been looking at you in your bedroom window."

"Is this Don Knotts? Ewww."

"How the hell do they know it's me all the time."

Vincent Price had the same problem.

"(As Vincent) You know, I can't help noticing that you were wearing that blue sundress today."

"Who is this?"

"It's not Vincent Price!

SWB: If you could eat one thing everyday... what would that be?

DG: Diana Rigg.

SWB: Alright, ladies and gentleman... this has been the Smooth Wooden Ball with Dana Gould. Thanks for being on the show.

DG: I had a great time. I have slightly less depth in real life I'd like to tell the viewers.

May 1997

2007-01-12T10:58:00.000-08:00

5/8/97

I Koran. I Koran So Far Away. I Couldn't Get Away.

In Kabul, Afghanistan, the Taliban religious police re-emphasized their ban on the use of

paper bags, the reason being that recycled paper may contain pages of the Muslim holy

book, the Koran. Grocery store employees have been instructed to ask, "Is plastic okay

or would you like to be stripped, beaten and put on display in the public square as a

religious offender?"

Star 69. Get it?

The trial of Timothy McVeigh focused on phone records this week, with prosecutors

claiming they can trace his involvement to the bombings with certain key phone calls.

They point to one call in particular, made to "1-900-EAT-JUGS," where a "saucy"

McVeigh tells an operator, "Oh baby, I'm gonna blow like a seven story building!"

Checkered Tie

IBM ubercomputer Deep Blue played Garry Kasparov to the second consecutive draw of

their $1.1 million re-match. Kasparov has already announced his intentions to donate a

portion of his prize money to pediatric hospitals in his homeland. Whereas Deep Blue

commented, "I'm getting me some of them robot legs. I could run fast, like a cheetah!"

Who Do You Want to Sue Today?

Software maker Borland International is suing Microsoft, accusing the bigger rival of

raiding its staff for top software engineers and marketing managers. In response, a

spokesman for Microsoft commented, "You will be assimilated, resistance is futile."

Size Nine-West

The Securities and Exchange Commission inquired into the accounting practices of the

Nine-West Group, a popular women's shoe manufacturer. This probe has caused shares

to tumble 18%. Wall Street analysts say they would not recommend investing at this

time, saying it would be as risky as "white flats in winter."

The Burning Head

Police are investigating Farrah Fawcett's on charges of breaking and entering and grand

theft. Police say they are baffled and may have to call in an elite investigative force of

three attractive women to solve the crime.

Jeffrey Dharma

Indian serial killer "The Serpent" gave an exclusive interview to ABC's "PrimeTime

Live" Wednesday from his home in France. When asked if he had plans to continue his

mass-murdering ways, he responded, "Well, does it tip you off any that I'm still calling

myself `The Serpent?'"

Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, subbing for Sappho Maschismo, who is out with a case of the vapors. I am standing in front of my Sports Apparatus. This gentle construct promises to reveal interesting data corresponding to your American sports news. Shall it stand the test of time? Hm, no matter.

Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her a what-for.”

In cricket news, Hampshire’s former England batsman Robin Smith hit a brave 92.

And in your American football, Tigers pitcher Willie Blair suffered a broken jaw when he was hit by a line drive. He was kept overnight at a Lutheran Medical Center while surgeons argued about who had to dig the was of tobacky out of his swollen bloody cheek.

You put your hand up on my hip, and when you dip, I dip, we dip. I’m Chadwyre R. Dickens with the sports.

Say It Ain't So, Joe

Chicago Whitesox outfielder Tony Phillips back after serving a two day suspension

blasted American League President Gene Budig, claiming "he doesn't like what I did or

he doesn't like me because I'm this color." Phillips, the only African American to ever

play baseball, has been severely targeted by an intolerant league.

Dribbles and Dragons

The Washington Bullets officially will become the Washington Wizards, the team

announced Wednesday. They also plan to unveil their new logo, a twelve-sided die that

will spill the sanguine blood of the wendigo.

5/9/97

Small Fry

US House Of Representatives has passed a bill that will allow juveniles to be tried as adults. In cases where capital punishment is involved, the offending youngster will be lured into the chamber with the promise of a “ride in the magic rocket chair” transporting them to the mythical “Lollypop Forest.”

Social Studies

Test scores released that girls have caught up to boys in math and science. Boys are still better, though, at drinking and being pricks.

It’s Greek to Me

Archeologists claim they’ve found Aristotle’s classroom from ancient Greece. They found an old desk with the message, “Mr. Aristotle has a fat ass” carved in the top.

Drugs Not Hugs

Biotechnology giant Amgen is gearing up to aggressively expand operations to accommodate its shift to a multi-drug company. Among the drugs the company expects to introduce is a stem cell stimulating factor for chemotherapy and a lotion that can turn you into a centaur.

Urge to Merge

Privately held Wall Street brokerage firm Oppenheimer & Co. Inc. is currently in talks with a possible suitor on being acquired, a company source says. A senior executive told reporters “There is no official comment, although we’d like to tell our suitor we think he’s dreamy and we love the corsage he sent.”

Mickey Louse

A lawsuit implicating several Walt Disney employees in a sexual harassment suit is about to conclude. Eisner said, ”Like it or not, we are Disney and we’re held to a higher standard.” Still no indication as why this philosophy was not applied to Disney’s recent film “Jungle 2 Jungle.”

Blockbusted

Blockbuster Video is being blamed by its new parent company Viacom for recent losses due to the departure of former CEO Bill Fields. Asked why he resigned, Fields indicated he was tired of making the extra stop just to pick up his porno, but stated, ”I don’t make as much here at Glory Hole Video but I’m saving gas.”

Beef and Barkley

After an embarrassing defeat to Seattle on Wednesday, Houston forward Charles Barkley blasted his team, saying, “You can come up with a lot of excuses, but they kicked our butts.” Barkley’s excuses included: “I was facing the wrong way; Why do we always have to play basketball?” and “Technically, we’re all winners.”

Four Legs Good, Two Legs Better

Kentucky Derby winner Silver Charm dumped his rider Thursday at Pimlico and galloped wildly off solo. The stray colt, the early favorite for the Preakness, was quickly caught by outrider Bill Rudolph. Mr. Rudolph is now favored 2:1 in the Preakness, and is looking forward to be putting out to stud.

5/12/97

He Blue It

After forfeiting the final game of his match with supercomputer Deep Blue, chess champion Garry Kasparov stated, “I am still the best human player on the planet, and can beat most major appliances, including blenders, toasters, and wet dry-vacs.” Deep Blue was in the mood for a little trash talk too, saying, “Tell that Siberian bitch to come around anytime he’s in the mood for another supercomputer-style smackdown.”

I’ve Been Framed!

Seven months after a kindergarten teacher branded and humiliated a girl by scrawling “Where are my glasses?” on her face with a marker, a lawsuit has been filed. When asked why they waited so long, the girl’s mother replied, “The Post-It note reminding me fell off my cheek.”

You Go Girls!

Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, one million black women plan to attend a similar rally in Philadelphia. Organizers say the demonstration, taking place this fall, will focus on single parenting issues, drugs in the inner city, and “how fine that Denzel is.”

Pull the Plug

Powermatic Data Systems has announced that it will no longer be a reseller of Hewlett-Packard products. In fact, PDS said it ended the relationship with HP at the end of April but that they were still friends and they could go out, but not like really going out, like going out to get something to eat or something.

The Devil Made Me Drink It

The rock band Motley Crue has announced the unveiling of their new brand of soda, Motley Brue. The soda company also plans to release other beverages, including “Root Beer And The Blowfish,” “The Jon Spencer Foam Explosion,” “Butthole Citrus,” “A Tribe Called Quench,” and “The Notorious P.O.P.”

Heppy Birthday

Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.

This 10 Wants 5

Dudley Moore’s estranged wife, Nicole Moore, has filed a $5 million lawsuit against him, claiming that she has suffered from physical and verbal abuse during their five-year marriage. Moore claims that he’d been caught between the moon and New York City.

Fingering Success

Atlanta Hawks center Dikembe Mutombo, after blocking a shot by the Bulls’ Brian Williams on Saturday, stood at the baseline and waggled his finger at the crowd in what has become his trademark. However, the ball was still in play and the Bulls’ strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen picked it up and scored. Mutombo will next be seen waving goodbye to the playoffs.

No Love… Lost

In tennis news, Mary Pierce had an easy win over Conchita Martinez at the Italian Open with a 6-4, 6-0 victory. Martinez was clearly disabled by neck spasms during the match, but Pierce had no mercy, returning every pathetic lob from Conchita screaming “ I’m bored!” and “Here’s one for your neck!”

Supercomputer Deep Blue bested Garry Kasparov in their final game of chess on Sunday, leaving behind some sour grapes. Kasparov accused IBM of programming the computer specifically to beat him, and that it had “nothing to do with science.” IBM programmers replied, “Kasparov is correct. We created Deep Blue from flora and fauna found only in the fairy netherworlds of Mordoll. Oh, and Mr. Kasparov? You are a jackass.”

Deep Blue celebrated its win by spending a night on the town with a cappuccino maker “built like a brick shithouse.”

Public Enemy rapper Chuck D has signed with Fox News Channel to supply on-air commentaries and occasional news reports. Similarly, ex-partner Flava Flav is supplying commentaries to homeless people concerning “all the people that ‘dissed’ him.”

Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.

Michael Jackson is coming out with an album this month, but Epic Records is taking a “low-key approach” in promoting it. Executives claim this approach includes medium rotation on MTV, minimal advertising in the trades, and never mentioning Michael Jackson is a kiddie-grubbing pedophile.

5/15/97

Do Fries Come with that Shake?

The FDA is nearing approval of an anti-obesity drug that blocks the absorption of fat that a fat person eats. The drug works this way: A really fat person, or any fat person, takes this pill and then this certain fat person eats like the fat person that he is, and a lot of the fat eaten by old fatty is not absorbed by his big fat body.

Chico and "The Man"

Immigration officials are attacking the Mexican government for the apathy they've shown over the flood of counterfeit documents being used at the border. In rebuttal, Mexican officials remind the US, "We've got a real live goat sucking monster roaming our country and that's all you guys care about? Not cool."

Dismembers Only

After a harrowing ordeal, Los Angeles doctors were successful in re-attaching the arm of a boy after a laundromat dryer severed it. A full recovery is expected. The child thanked the heroic doctors, adding that his arm never felt so soft and fluffy.

Copying is as Easy as ABC

ABC News is unveiling its 24-hour online news service called abc.news.com squarely aimed at competing with MSNBC. To welcome the Internet news service Bill Gates, from his hidden mountain fortress, had 53 dozen pizzas sent over and billed it to Peter Jennings.

Up in Smoke

Because of a recent landmark court decision, the Liggett Group, makers of Eve, L&M, and Chesterfield brand cigarettes, now only print "Warning: Smoking is addictive" on their labels. This week, they released this statement: "We were able to prove that the twenty-six people who actually buy these brands are well aware of the dangers of smoking, if not long dead from them."

Abra-Cadaver

Legendary magician Harry Blackstone Jr. died Wednesday of pancreatic cancer at the age of 62. Towards the end, he reportedly claimed that the cancer was his own magical doing and often referred to it as his "last great escape." Blackstone's last words were "Let's see that bastard Copperfield top this."

Take Your Own Advice

Several radio stations will air a public service announcement Friday featuring singer Tori Amos. The PSA will contain a message recorded by Amos, followed by her song Silent All These Years, but preceded by listeners frantically scrambling to turn off their radios.

Jersey "Net"

Olympian Rebecca Lobo's high school basketball jerseys were stolen from a trophy case at Massachusetts's Regional High last weekend. Police say they are looking for a suspect who is 18-25 years old, has dark hair and dark features, and "is wearing one of Rebecca Lobo's basketball jerseys."

Out of the Woods

Tiger's father, Earl Woods, told the press this week, "Fuzzy Zoeller should go to K-Mart and buy some common sense." Earl seemed puzzled when pressed on how one would acquire common sense at a retail store, but was spotted later creating a disturbance at Bob's Golf Shop while demanding a refund for his sense of humor.

5/19/97

The Control Group Isn't Complaining

President Clinton apologized this week to the Tuskegee survivors who were used in a government experiment to monitor the ravages of syphilis. Clinton stated, "What the government did was shameful and experimentation of this kind will never happen again." The President was then whisked off by his genetically-engineered winged secret service agents to his three-o'clock with Dr. Moreau.

Bored of Education

Religious groups are calling for the removal of a South Carolina State Board of Education member after an inflammatory remark at a public meeting. Henry Jordan claimed he was "only trying to be funny" when he said, "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims." He was later informed that if he wanted to be funny he should have said, "Screw the Muslims and tell those Buddhists to keep it down!"

Monopoly v1.2

Overfed software behemoth Microsoft wants to prove that its high-end Windows NT operating system can handle the largest and most complex business tasks. In a demonstration scheduled for this week, Microsoft Giant Brain Holder Bill Gates will demonstrate that with his new software it's easier to get E-mail, schedule appointments, and hold hostage "all that humanity finds sacred."

One Foot Out of the Grave

Menorah Gardens, a Florida funeral home, was ordered to pay $1.25 million to the family of an amputee who was buried without the legs she had entrusted to them for safekeeping. Punitive damages were awarded to the woman's husband, Joel Cohen, for his emotional distress. When asked about his plans for the millions, Cohen replied, "Legs, baby. Millions and millions of little tiny gams-- then I'll bury them alongside the dead, and when the bowels of Hell are filled, zombie legs will rise again, in an army loyal only to me!"
Monday Night Ball

Tabloid paper the Globe published pictures last week showing Frank Gifford in a New York hotel room embracing a woman other than his wife, Kathie Lee. Insiders say the troubles in their marriage began several years ago, when Frank awoke one day and realized that he was lying next to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Slyer Stallone

Sylvester Stallone this weekend kept the media guessing as to whether or not he married his girlfriend Jennifer Flavin in a top-secret ceremony. Media pundits claim the guessing "didn't take long," as they only had two choices: yes or no. The press got it on the second try.

Beefin' Barkley

Charles Barkley, responding to teammates complaining about the one-day break before Monday's game against Utah, said, "If you're tired, get another job. You can rest when you're dead." When asked for comment, George Burns responded, "I don't know what Charles is talking about, there's no rest down here. Every day they make me push this boulder up a hill, just so it can fall right back down."

Return to Sender, Mailman

Karl Malone, who led the NBA in no statistical categories, was awarded Most Valuable Player from a panel of sports writers. This is the last year for the current MVP system, which next season will officially be called "The Most Valuable Player Who Isn't Michael Jordan." Jordan is still favored 2:1 to win the award.

5/20/97

Minute Aid

After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."

Cloak and Dollars

The Federation of American Scientists sued the CIA this week to force the agency to reveal the size of its budget. The CIA said that it would reveal its general budget but would not site exact expenditures for such items as the new Mach 5, Invisible CrËme, Rocket Shoes, and the Flying Razor Hat.

Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave

Federal antitrust regulators are investigating Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained Little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied!"

Pilot Light

Continental Airlines has announced this week its plans to offer pilots pay increases adding up to only 10 percent over six years. A spokesman for the pilots says they are "elated," adding, "now we can get that can of pop we've had our eye on."

The Gifford That Keeps On Giving

Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford issued a joint statement this week urging for their privacy in the wake of allegations of Frank's extra-marital affair. Sources claim Kathie Lee is "disappointed" with Frank, who she has been quoted as calling her "love machine." When informed of her misfortunes, IBM supercomputer Deep Blue commented, "If she ever needs a real love machine, that freak can get busy with the business end of my hard drive 24-7."

This Icy Is Too Pricey

Sources tell Variety the price tag for making the James Cameron movie "Titanic" could approach $300 million. The good news is it doesn't sink. That would have been too expensive to make.

Tall Tales

The NBA has told its 29 teams they cannot sign seven foot nine inch North Korean basketball player Ri Myong Hun, who is currently residing in Canada. When told of this, Hun allegedly said, "What do I care? I'm a big huge freak! The world is my oyster! I'm the tallest Korean ever! I can do whatever I want!"

Little Big League Man

In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"

5/21/97

Top Guns

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.

"Is that mine or....AUUGGH!"

A booby-trapped beeper hand-delivered to a waitress at her restaurant exploded and blew off one of her fingers. The intended target was her brother who lost the beeper during a fight with another man. The woman, who lost a pinky finger was taken to Bellevue Hospital where doctors say she won't be drinkin' tea any time soon.

Re: In Car Nation

Seven Buddhist monks were killed on Interstate 5 when a draft from a big rig caused their van to flip over. Twelve of the fourteen monks were ejected from the vehicle. "We're trying to put this behind us," said one of the monks who survived. "This was a traumatic and painful experience and we look forward to once again walking on hot coals and laying on razor sharp nail beds."

Aaron Henry 1923-1997

On a somber note, Aaron Henry, who led the drive for racial equality in Mississippi, has died at age 74. (Carl) That is sad, Cheryl. I remember when he hit his 715th home run to beat the record. He was playing for the Braves at that- (Cheryl) Not Henry Aaron, jagoff. Aaron Henry. He was a driving force in the NAACP, he filed a landmark lawsuit for reapportionment that cleared the way in 1980 for the election of himself and another dozen black representatives to the Mississippi State Legislature. (Carl) Well, we all send our regrets. And also, a big "howdy hey" to home run leader Hammerin' Hank Aaron.

A Penny for Your Thoughts

In a stunning announcement, H. Wayne Huizenga, Paul Allen, and King Bee Bill Gates have announced that they are buying everything. You will be sent a check in the mail for you and yours, and then you must submit to almost painful skin testing.

Jonesin'

For those of you who understand, the Dow rose 34 points to 7228. For the rest of you, just relax and let us worry about the money.

Neil Down and Put Your Hands In The Concrete

The four reunited members of Motley Crue put their handprints in concrete at the famed Hollywood "Rockwalk" this week. Observers say the honor was appropriate, because the legendary heavy metal band has been playing like their hands were made of concrete for the last fifteen years.

C'mon Seven!

Larry King and fiancÈe Shawn Southwick have announced their wedding date December 12th. This time it's for good said King, "Unless of course I meet someone different, or someone else, or anyone."

Backbiting

Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. "Marvelous" denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy, what you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.

Russian For a Rematch

Garry Kasparov has requested a rematch with super-computer Deep Blue, but the event is doubtful. When reached at an upscale New York nightclub, surrounded by an entourage of beautiful women, Deep Blue said it was "harvest-time" and he'd need to see some serious green 'cause a brothers gotta get paid, and that IBM should get off his tip and stop pimpin' his chess playing ass.

Carl: And now, for the weekend Traffic Report, here's R.J. Knackman.

R.J. Thank you Carl. Things look good on the 80 from New York to California, slight slowing around Grand Island Nebraska, I believe the carnival is in town, but from there it's smooth sailing. Now from where I'm sitting now everything looks calm, smooth, and blue. Very Tranquil
Carl: Are you over the ocean?
R.J. (nervously) No…
Carl: Yes, you are you're over the ocean.
R.J.: Traffic reports EVERY WEEK with R.J. Knackman
Carl: Thank You R.J.--
R.J. Why do you only call me on the weekend. There's no traffic on the weekend.
Carl: Thank You R.J--
R.J. Call me--

A fire this week at an Indianapolis warehouse wiped out most of the floats for this year's 500 Festival Parade. There were no injuries, and organizers say Saturday's parade will still go on. About 250,000 spectators are expected to view the event, which will now feature a girl who smokes cigarillos with her nostrils, a bunch of pals who own really expensive looking blenders, and a three-legged dog named "Pedro."

Authorities claim they waited several months to release the details because they wanted to ascertain whether the sex was consensual, which resulted last week in the realization that they were talking about Marv Albert.

Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences, but unfortunately, because we held the meeting late at night, until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."

Popular NBC sports announcer Marv Albert has been implicated in an assault case. Albert has denied the charges, and claims the woman told him she wanted to be in his new compilation of clips, "The Wacky World of Forcible Sodomy."

Michael Jordon announced that if coach Phil Jackson is not resigned with the Bulls next year, he will retire, and warned Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf then gleefully announced that Jackson will not be brought back next year, forcing Jordan to announce he will be back next season with the Bulls. A puzzled Jordan announced that he thought his strategy was sound and couldn't figure out how Reinsdorf figured out he was bluffing.

A British contingent is pushing for ballroom dancing to be an event in the 2000 Olympics arguing that it combines grace and agility with an established aesthetic. Officials are said to be considering this, as they had been looking for an event to remove synchronized swimming's stranglehold on most unwatchable event.

Democratic leader in the House Richard Gephardt has broken ranks with the Democrats and is opposing the President's new budget deal. Said Gephardt, "This is a budget of many deficits; a deficit of principle, a deficit of fairness, a deficit of tax justice, and worst of all, a deficit of dollars." He then added, "However, there is no deficit of long, run-on sentences."

A California woman says Harrods the venerable British department store, tossed her out because of her size not her attire as they claim. The Los Angeles resident, a confident size 18 has demanded an apology from the retailing giant. Harrods said she was expelled for violating the store's dress code. The security man who threw the woman out thought she was wearing tights rather than leggings. He claims it was an honest mistake because when you put a legging on something that big it's gonna stretch so thin it looks like tights.

A Texas jury ordered an 18 year old girl Tuesday to pay about $7 million in damages to the family of a boy killed when she lost control of her vehicle while answering a cellular phone. The girl wept as she left the courtroom because her parents are really mad at her and because it was a wrong number.

The House finally passed the balanced budget agreement today. Congressional leaders were very nervous about the outcome and were relieved when the bill passed by a narrow margin of 333 to 99. The budget pact aims to slow government spending for the next five years lowering the deficit to zero by the year 2002. Hardest hit were the elderly who's Medicare was cut by $115 billion, making sure the old farts won't be around by the year 2002 for the big celebration.

Continental Airlines has reported this week that they will soon purchase 40 jets from Boeing. A Continental spokesman says he will keep the press abreast of further "exciting" plans to buy things, which may culminate in next week's detailed account of their trip to Thrifty's.

Microsoft and Electronic Arts have agreed to offer some of their games through ICTV's Internet-access network. Said Microsoft All-Powerful Giant Synapse Firer Bill Gates, "This way, we can get them while they are young and their minds are malleable and free of distraction and open to the subliminal messages. Then they will be lured to the breeding city of Seattle, where a microchip will be implanted in the base of their spines, barcodes imprinted on their foreheads, and trained to become the Microsoft Army which will clear forests and destroy anything that does not further the cause of 'Gates's World'."

The Justice Department is taking a closer look at Microsoft's proposed acquisition of Web TV to see if the software monolith is breaking any anti trust laws. In response, Bill Gates from his hidden fortress plunged his face into a vat of molten gold and said, "Truly I am everything I love and by the way could you take it easy on me with the lawyers."

A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.

A maker of in-line skating equipment thought it could attract young male buyers by putting this simple slogan on it's clothing laundry tags: "destroy all girls." Arlo Eisenberg, part-owner of the company said, "The laundry tag was supposed to say, 'kill your parents,' but some people thought that was too extreme." And could result in kids getting grounded every time their parents washed the shirt. Other Anchor: What ever happened to nice laundry tags like, "decapitate a neighbor and tie their entrails to your spokes."

Universal Pictures and Steven Speilberg's Amblin Entertainment have agreed to do a feature film sequel of Casper. A casting call has been announced for the part of Casper and an excited Jon Benet Ramsey from heaven said, "It's between me and the Lindbergh baby."

Millie Bush, the English springer, and author died yesterday. "Millie went to heaven, the former president said, Unfortunately, it was Korean heaven where Millie was immediately eaten.

Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open day on Saturday to prove that the red light district is safe, offering the public coffee and other drinks. Their next prostitution promotion celebrates the year the port was established, sending bordello prices in a time machine back to the year1533 and offering twelve cent handjobs and froee copulation with the first 50 customers with scurvy.

Officer Robert Breckenfeld, a Santa Ana Police Officer, was discovered to be a bigamist with three wives. The department said they don't know how this effects their relationship to the officer, but until they review procedures, Robert can expect a strict "no cuddling" policy.

A top Russian General who served as one of Boris Yeltsin's closest advisers was arrested today on corruption charges that include taking a $241,000 bribe. When Yelsin asked him why he did it the General replied: "I know nutting."

Convicted killer Ramon Martinez-Villareal is in a good mood today. The U.S. Supreme court has granted him a stay of execution for the 1982 killings of two ranch workers. The courts want to hear arguments involving his mental competence. Apparently prosecutors find executing him in a sraight jacket disturbing.

The Hubble Space Telescope has been put to use tracking the weather- on Mars. It is extremely cold, with dark blue skies full of white clouds of water ice. Scientist warn that anyone planning a trip to Mars should pack an extra sweater and don't forget to bring a space umbrella.

The National Transportation Safety Board is updating its list of the "most wanted safety improvements" with such recommendations as safer fuel tanks that will not sustain a fire or explosion, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers in the cargo hold, and planes that don't blow up.

OR

...in the cargo hold, and pilots who really know how to hold their booze.

OR

...in the cargo hold, and lucky beads for all passengers to jiggle.

In Coalinga, CA, a van full of Buddhist monks was blown off the freeway by a passing truck, killing seven and injuring seven other monks. The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of the demi-gods, and said they were happy because traffic was really a pain in the ass.

OR

The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of human beings, rented another van, and continued on their way.

OR

After the tragedy, one of the survivors commented, "As according to our beliefs, the seven who died have been reborn and, oh, there they are. Hi fellas! (Go rent another van- this one's totaled.)"

As the Indianapolis 500 is just around the corner, we have a somber note, the youngest winner of the Indy 500, Troy Ruttman, died this week. He was 67. (Carl) Jesus! He was the youngest? How old are all those guys, anyway? That doesn't seem to safe, all those old guys zipping around the track. Well, maybe that's why it's so exciting. (Cheryl) Did you lie on your resume? How do you keep this job?

President Clinton criticized the fashion industry saying it glamorized the image of heroin by using 'heroin chic" models who strike poses that make them appear sickly and dazed. A spokesman for the heroine chic models said, "This is an outrage we are doing nothing to glamorize addiction...However before the spokesman could finish her point she nodded off into a bowl of pasta.

Attorneys for Timothy McVeigh the alleged Oklahoma City bomber are to call their witness's tomorrow. Former attorney Johnny Cochran is expected to take the stand first. While not associated with the case Johnny has promised to break off some fat rhymes to help get him off.

Pilot Kelley Flinn say's she is optimistic the service will grant her a discharge, rather than try her on adultery and other charges. Air Force officials say they will consider Flinn's request for an honorable discharge but first want to meet with Flinn over drinks to see if she's really a player...if you know what I mean.

After five day the hatches between the U.S. space shuttle Atlantis and Russia's space station Mir swung shut today as the two space crews prepared to go their separate ways. A spokesman for then uncoupled space stations asked if their any further missions planned said, "It's too soon to say but we'll always be friends and maybe sometime we can go to a movie or something."

In Yugoslavia, Bosnian Serbs announced Wednesday the formation of their own airline company. Sources say the company's planned slogan will be "Come visit beautiful war-torn Bosnia! No roundtrip tickets needed, as our Croatian foes will most likely murder you where you stand. We shall keep your luggage and distribute it among the ravaged dwellings of the innocents. Death to those who oppose us!"

A study this week reports that sweage carried by airplanes is spreading viruses worldwide. According to the study, several samples of sewage pumped from flights landing at American airports contained infectious viruses. Airline spokespersons are "shocked" at the announcement, as no one ever expected there might be something wrong with America's precious stockpile of filthy sewage.

Sleazy Ryder

The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma city bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"

Smack Attack

President Clinton lambasted the fashion industry for increasing the allure of "heroin-chic" trends, citing print ads that feature dazed, waifishly thin models with track marks up their arms. The President expressed concern for the influence 'heroin chic'and passionately implored the industry to get back to presenting the more wholesome image of anorexic fashion models with fake breasts.

Lego My Nazi

A Polish artist who used Lego's to construct a diorama of Nazi death camps has elicited strong objections from his own government and the Lego corporation. In a related story a representative for Lincoln Logs said, "We'd be proud to have an artist express himself through our product or anyone for that matter. Come on-- logs are fun!"
Don't Get Up

Mattel is introducing, or wheeling out, a new doll in its popular Barbie line: A wheelchair-bound doll named "Share A Smile Becky." "Barbie's world is now more like the everyday world," said a product manager for Mattel. The figure is dressed in a denim skirt, and when lifted to her feet, her legs buckle and she screams. Becky will be modeled after a normal Barbie figure, with the exception of the powerfully strong arms taken from thousands of surplus Hulk Hogan dolls.

Live and Let Die Already

Paul McCartney says he has a notebook of never-recorded songs he wrote with John Lennon. These are the earliest-ever Lennon-McCartney songs, written some 40 years ago. McCartney said in a statement: "I wrote them in my school exercise book. It's got 'Love Me Do' in it and four others that were never recorded." They are: "This Class Sucks", "Blow Me Do", "Teacher Puts Out", and "Pick Up Crumpets- Love Mum."

Return to Sender

A stamp-collector, upset at Bugs Bunny being placed on a new stamp, stated enthusiasts' concerns that "the higher purpose of the stamp program is being prostituted." He then went on to apologize to any prostitutes he might have offended, realizing no woman would sleep with a pathetic, stamp collecting loser unless he was paying her, then collapsed to his knees in gut-wrenching sobs, speaking wistfully of wasted years and parents who never took the time to make him feel special.

Air-Rent Judgement

Michael Jordan announced that if Bulls coach Phil Jackson is not re-signed, Jordan will make this season his last and warned the Bulls' owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "Don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf immediately announced the Bulls will hire a new coach. Jordan, found later frantically leafing through a book of poker strategy stated, "How the hell did he know I was bluffing?"

Expert Ball Handling

The woman who accused sportscaster Marv Albert of assault and forcible sodomy is facing a charge that she tried to kill her former boyfriend. The woman reportedly called her ex a month after the alleged incident involving Albert, and told him she would kill him, his dog and any girl he may be with. Police say this demonstrates a possibility of mental instability, overshadowed only by her previous example of this: Going to a hotel room with Marv Albert.

5/24/97

Top Guns

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Scarlet "A" on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.

Sleazy Ryder

The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma City bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency owner who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"

Minute Aid

After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."

Ivan Milkim reporting from an undisclosed location. I'm never goin' back to the joint. Try and make me. Message to the Warden...I know where your family lives. Got a lot to do. I need to drum up a fake beard, shoe polish, and a toothbrush. I've also got my eye on some elderly couple's Chrysler New Yorker. Bressler...I need a gun...preferably a Baretta 9 millimeter with a silencer and laser sight. I'll call later with rendezvous details. Don't try to reach me.

Backbiting

Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. Mr. Albert denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy. What you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.

Little Big League Man

In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"

"Sneak" Peeks with SKEETER AND WIZZ

Wizz and I were supposed to review Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, The Lost World, for today's show. The print ads claim "something has survived." From the looks of the trailer, it seems to be the exact plot of the original. Anyhoo, when we showed up for the premiere, the good folks at Universal wouldn't sell us any tickets. I think it had something to do with Wizz and his hygienic "problems." But I'll give you folks the skinny about what we saw instead: The Volcano.

Now, I had a problem with believability. The chances of a volcano destroying Los Angeles are about as remote as Tommy Lee Jones regaining his credibility. After seeing this stinker, Tommy Lee's Oscar had to file a restraining order. This movie features molten lava rolling down the streets of Los Angeles more relentlessly than Eddie Murphy looking for late-night "companionship." But if you like to see things burn as much as my buddy Wizz, save yourself two hours and set eight dollars on fire.

Now, our quick video pick for this week is Longtime Companion. This is a movie about a couple of buddies-- I think they met in college--and their troubles meeting that special lady. Until next week...

5/26/97

No Booz for Yooz

National Fraternity leaders across the nation are trying to introduce a new "substance-free housing" policy that would ban on-campus alcohol use, a rule that some fraternity brothers believe threatens the extinction of the Greek system all together. This possibility has in turn spread panic among effeminate male drama students and fat girls who are left wondering where their daily dose of shame will come from.

License To Chill

A Maine Legislature has deemed the slogan, "Ride Safe" to appear on motorcycle license plates in 1998. It was the closest ballot in Maine's Legislative history as it was almost bested by another popular slogan, "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No One Rides for Free."

Crisis in Trenchmont

Brent Muvahill reporting to you live from Addendale Park in Trenchmont where it is believed a 3 year-old girl named Tracy Amber Collinswood has fallen some two hundred feet down on an abandoned mine shaft. This is, as of yet unsubstantiated. I am making my way to the scene and will have more information shortly. Back to you.

Urge To Merge

A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.

Coltrane Keep A' Rollin'

Robbie Coltrane enjoys his anonymity here in America. "I'm just the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart," says he. But to avid fans of A&E's series Cracker, he's Dr. Eddie "Fitz" Fitzgerald, the hard-drinking, smoking police psychologist-- with the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart.

Fuzzy Sentiments

Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences. To be frank, I was afraid this meeting would never happen. Mainly because we held it late at night, and until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."

5/27/97

Hang Down Your Head, Tom Foley, Hang Down Your Head and Cry

The Japanese government, waiting for official word on who will be the next U.S. envoy to Tokyo, suspects that all signs point to former House Speaker Tom Foley. Japanese officials are pleased with the expected appointment, stating that they are relieved anytime a surprise guest to Japan isn't 20 stories tall and breathing fire.

Sky Die-ving

A small sky-diving plane crashed in South Florida killing six people on board. A 43-year- old woman parachuted out and survived the crash. When asked how she saved herself, she credited her fool-proof survival plan of having 6 back up parachutes.

America Out of Line

American Online says its "instant messaging software," which tells users who on its list is online, will soon be made available for all Internet users. While there is no charge for the beta version, a spokesman said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Wait, you can't because our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."

General Martyrs

3,500 GM workers voted to end their seven-day walkout after concluding marathon bargaining sessions over staffing, health, and safety issues. Although most workers are due back by the next shift, a few are expected back sooner to prepare the plant for restarting production, which includes polishing the leg-irons and waking up the tiny children that install the brake lights.
Welcome To the Creepiest Place on Earth

Sources close to Michael Jackson say the entertainer was so impressed with his reception in Poland last year, he wants to build a Disneyland-style theme park in Warsaw. Attractions for the park include "It's A Small World When You're In A Barn With A German And An Englishman," and "The Main Street Electrical Parade," featuring a cast of thousands trying to screw in the tiny lightbulbs.

Legs Get Ready to Rumble

Tina Turner says that despite reports to the contrary, her famous legs are not insured. Tina added, "My body is insured and my legs are part of that. I do, however, have a shoe- to-head policy stating if Ike even unlaces his shoe I get $400,000."

Complainey Slaney

Distance runner Mary Slaney is infuriated with reports that she tested positive for excessive testosterone at the 1996 U.S. Olympic trials, telling reporters "If someone were to ask me how I feel about USA Track & Field right now, I would say I hope it burns in hell." Reporters then asked how she felt about USA Track & Field, to which she replied, "Are you listening to me?" which then prompted the obvious follow-up of "How do you feel about USA Track & Field?"

Storm A' Brewin'

Taking issue with supposedly negative remarks from NBC, Houston Rocket star Charles Barkley retorted, "It doesn't surprise me. Those comments came from Hannah Storm, and women shouldn't be announcing men's sports." After an awkward silence, Barkley added, "Burn the witch!" and fled from news cameras, calling them "soul-stealing devil-boxes."

5/28/97

Jonesin' for Paula

The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Clinton could not be shielded from prosecution in Paula Jones' sexual harassment case. Attorneys for Jones are saying that she might be satisfied with a statement that Clinton "remembers her, that she was in that room, that she did nothing wrong and that she is a good person." Clinton may have said in a statement this week, "I do not remember her, I do not remember the room, I do not remember what happened in the room which I do not remember." The President also added, "How am I supposed to remember anything with her rack kickin' my ass everyday?"

No Nukes is Good Nukes

Jolly and red-nosed Russian President Boris Yeltsin stood in front of NATO yesterday and assured the assembly that Russian warheads would no longer be pointed at its members. As a festive mood overcame the congregation, a representative from Japan caught Yeltson's eye. "How long have you guys been members?" Boris asked. He then added, "You might want to forget what I just told you."

Thesis: Murder

A graduate student, who will face the death penalty in the slaying of three professors at San Diego State University, has pleaded guilty to first-degree murder. Trying to explain himself, the student, Fredrick Martin Davidson supposedly said, "I thought they said to kill them. My regular teachers let me kill them."

Head Shop

Police are investigating a human skull purchased for $7 from a Kansas City antique store. The store owner warned police to investigate all they like, they wouldn't find lower prices for human skulls anywhere in the downtown area.

1-800-M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y

AT&T has begun talks with SBC Communications over a mega-merger said to have legal and regulatory obstacles that are near insurmountable. " It's like putting a man on the moon," an AT&T spokesman stated, " it's not impossible, but it's gonna take a long time." Nearby NASA alum Allen Shepard heard this comment and retorted, " Shut your puke mouth. You don't look at the moon, you don't talk about the moon, you don't even think about the moon."

SMOOTH WOODEN BALL

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with SC Naked News and I'm here with Margaret Cho. Welcome to the show, Margaret.

MC: Thank-you very much.

SWB: When your show got cancelled, was that a shock to you or could you pretty much see that coming?

MC: Oh, I saw it coming when the show got picked up. I saw that coming when I signed the deal to do the show. I saw it coming so far in the horizon, that I could've just not done it at all and had the same effect.

SWB: So, you're whole outlook was basically just give me the cash and I don't really care.

MC: Absolutely.

SWB: Is your grandma as funny as the one on All-American Girl?

MC: No, my grandmother is a tyrant. Every time I see her she says, "You know, your face is bloated beyond recognition." This is not something you say to a granddaughter. That's something you say to someone who has been in a lake for a couple of weeks. You don't say that to progeny.

SWB: So I understand you are doing a John Woo movie.

MC: Yes, two days ago I completed looping on that film. It's called "Face Off. "

SWB: Do you get killed?

MC: No, I'm one of the few people that live.

SWB: Do you get to shoot a gun or anything?

MC: I get to shoot lots of guns and I do some kung fu.

SWB: Whoa! Does John Woo speak English? I was just wondering, because when they have his movies with English translations they're always a little bit off.

MC: I don't know why that always seems to happen. Always. In Hong Kong films when people are having sex they always say, "Oh, it's so comfortable! It's so comfortable!" Yea, it is comfortable, but that's not really the word you're thinking. But they always use that term.

SWB: What is the name of your character?

MC: My character's name is Wanda.

SWB: Is she kinda loose? Sleep around a little bit?

MC: No, not at all.

SWB: So much for getting dirt on that.

MC: I think I may do a nude scene in a movie I am doing in a month. But what is kind of upsetting about that is that I have the worst farmer's tan. I have the worst tractor tan like a V-neck, short sleeve shirt. The worst is that it will probably keep me from doing it.

SWB: I'm sure a lot of fans want to know when they can see you nude?

MC: I'm not sure when that is going to happen. But it will be sometime in the next few months.

SWB: So that is all you know about the part is that you are going to take your clothes off?

MC: Yea, I'm going for it.

SWB: Great, well all right.

MC: Laughing

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News with Margaret Cho. Thank you Margaret.

MC: Thank you Ball.

GOP Heads for TV

New York Republican Rep. Susan Molinari will soon resign from Congress and join CBS Television as a co-anchor of a Saturday morning program. The program is set to be called "Molinari and the Mystery Machine," and will feature the animated lawmaker who will fight such villains as "The Peculiar Purple Politician from Pickendarry Peak" and "Chuck," a 37-year-old lobbyist.

Home Imboozement

In Michigan, former cocaine dealer Tim Allen failed a sobriety test after police stopped him for driving his Ferrari seventy in a forty-mph zone. Allen, whose real name is Timothy Alan Dick, failed sobriety tests that included him reciting the alphabet, counting backwards, and when asked if he'd star in Jungle 2 Jungle again, slurring "yes." Authorities are seeking the maximum penalty.

If You Can't Take the Heat...

Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat has sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."

Tri-This

After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathalete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathalete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."

5/29/97

Not a Quitter

Pilot Linda Finch completed a 26,000 mile re-creation of Amelia Earhart's round the world odyssey. When asked how her flight was different from Earhart's, Finch said, "Well for one thing I didn't crash. Other than that it was exact-a-mundo."

Highway Robbery

In Detroit, police are still searching for a motorist who grabbed $20,000 that spilled from an armored truck on an interstate highway. The incident happened when the side door of the truck flew open and a car struck one of the bags causing the money to scatter. The motorist in his defense said, "I thought I hit a big canvas dog that bled money, so I decided to keep him as my own."

Saline On

Research shows that women who have breast enlargements tend to drink more, have more sex partners, get pregnant younger, are more likely to have abortions, use the pill and dye their hair. Check, check, check, check, check, and check. Everything a man wants and large fake breasts.

Bringing up Baby-tron

Playmates Toys Inc. has just come out with a new digital toy: A virtual infant on a key chain. Designed to teach pre-teen girls about the responsibilities of motherhood, the baby only grows with care and feeding. Accessories to the toy include "virtual day-care," "virtual over-indulgent grandma," and "virtual latch-key," which, if overused, alerts the "Cyber Child Protective Services."

A Cartoon of Smokes

The Federal Trade Commission has charged that R.J. Reynolds unfairly targets kids and asserts that Joe Camel is now as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. When the company asked for proof, the commission pointed to the millions of children who watch "The Wonderful World of Joe Camel" every day and write letters to him for presents each Christmas. FTC lawyers smiled politely, nodded their heads and then pushed a big red button marked, "Loony Bin Hot Line."
Speaking of Memories...

Entertainer Bob Hope turned 94 on Thursday, and "old ski-nose" celebrated in grand fashion, by first eating a bite of cake, and then blindly telling stories in his hoarse, damaged whisper of how he cannot recall the details of Dorothy Lamour's wizened face. America's best-loved white entertainer will next star in "The Road to New Jerusalem" with his estranged pals "Dot" and "Der Bingle." Happy birthday, Geminis!

Siddharthauchwitz?

Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer, 84, once tutor to the Dalai Lama and the subject of an upcoming Brad Pitt movie, acknowledged that he was a member of the Nazi Party. He called his association unfortunate, adding he'd just have to "grin and bear it," adding, "so if you see me grinning every time you mention my years as a Nazi, that's me regretting having belonged to the SS."

Ridick-Clueless

Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."

I'm a Loser, Baby

Ted Musgrave lost his 191st NASCAR Winston Cup in a row this week. When asked why he continues to allow actress Susan Lucci to ride shotgun, he offered no comment.

Creamed Cheese

A retired bus driver won $128,000 dollars in damages from the Philadelphia Phillies when their mascot hugged him and knocked him over. In a related story, the Harlem Globetrotters were arrested on assault charges when a bucket full of confetti was fired into a crowd of unsuspecting fans.

5/30/97 (Weekend Edition)

He's Da Bomb

As the jury in the Oklahoma City bombing trial listened to summations, they heard Timothy McVeigh described as a "terrorist" and a "victim of circumstance." Jurors expressed confusion over this saying, "How can he be both? Who are we to decide? What? That's what we're supposed to do? How much does this job pay?"

Sorry, Charlie

The Marine Mammal Fund accused Greenpeace of "selling out" this week, claiming they support a bill that redefines "dolphin-safe tuna." Disgruntled sourpusses are upset, as the bill now defines "dolphin-safe" as "chock-full of creamy dolphin" and "now with 37% more delicious, licky-yummy dolphin."

Out Like Flinn

America's first B-52 bomber pilot Kelly Flinn has agreed to a general discharge, avoiding an impending court-martial hearing for adultery, disobedience and lying in an official investigation. Twenty-six-year old Flinn says she has no immediate plans, although sources say a book deal is in the works. "It's kind of like " The Rules" for enlisted women," an insider says. Suggested chapter titles include, "K.P.=L-O-V-E" and "It's Better You Don't Have Phone Privileges Because You Shouldn't Be Calling Him Anyway."

America Out of Line

America Online says its "instant messaging software," which alerts users when their friends are online, will soon be made available at no charge. Although the company said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Oh, wait. You can't, our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."

Eye on Health

This is Dr. Eagleton Briggs with this week's "Eye on Health" segment: What about Chicken? Now, prepared properly, chicken can be a very healthy, nutritious entrÈe. But there are a few things you need to look out for. When purchasing your chicken from the supermarket, you want to avoid buying in bulk from the unwrapped thigh bin as these pieces are exposed to bacteria that can cause illness. Make sure your chicken is tightly wrapped in cellophane and its package contains very little coffee grounds and no cigarette butts! These are danger signals and usually mean the chicken has not been handled in a sanitary fashion. After buying your clean, plastic-protected chicken, pay careful attention as to how you store it at home. A sock drawer or glove compartment is not nearly as affective at staving off infection as a cool, refrigerated place like a refrigerator. When preparing fried chicken in the kitchen, it's a good idea to use a pan and avoid trying to heat up the cooking oil directly on the gas burner. Cooking oil is a liquid and will not balance on a little metal grate. That's just good, common sense.

If You Can't Take the Heat...

Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat during the conference finals sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."

Tri-This

After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathlete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathlete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."

Ridick-Clueless

Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."

Sneak "Peeks" With Skeeter and Wizz:

This week, me and Wizz started our traditional theater-hopping with the new buddy comedy, "Gone Fishin'." This film wasn't made available to the press. Now, if they just kept it away from audiences, they'd have gotten it completely right.

In this Glover/Pesci vehicle, the two stars go fishing for laughs, but come home as empty-handed as Susan Lucci on Emmy night. However, they are successful in suggesting to audiences the fragrance of week-old bass.

I must say that this film reminded me of one of my favorites, "Goodfellas." You see, I heard after completing it, Joe Pesci's Oscar requested federal relocation.

There was some tragedy associated with "Gone Fishin'." As you might have witnessed in the unfortunate trailers for this cinematic disaster, there's enough slapstick to fill one of John Hughes's wet dreams. While filming one of the sequences, two stuntmen died. To be fair, their deaths were not in vain. For they did not have to attend the premiere of this rancid stinker.

We left a little early to make sure we caught the sequel to Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, "The Lost World." Now, I don't know much about the world, but I can't find my two hours anymore. This high-concept hit is already setting box office records. I just wish DNA technology could bring my $8 dollars back from extinction.

Wizz and me offer our video tip for this week, "It's My Party." This little gem is about a man who decides to throw an impromptu celebration, I think it was his birthday. But each frame reminded me of the power of friendship. Catch it with a buddy.

05.12.97

Crime, violence and murder comprise 42 percent of all local news stories says a recent nightly news study. In a related story, Paco the Sega playing Chihuahua was found stabbed and slashed in the garage of his posh town house. Police currently have no leads.

The Alabama Supreme Court cut a 2 million-dollar judgement against a doctor who claimed a BMW dealer sold him a car with retouched paint as new. The court said the amount was grossly excessive. Strangely the Supreme Court had previously withheld the 47 million-dollar judgement against the “kitty with the drippy bottom.”

A kindergarten teacher humiliated a girl in November by scrawling, “Where are my glasses?” on the child’s face with a marker, her family said in a civil rights lawsuit. When asked why they waited 7 months to file the lawsuit a family spokesman said, “The Post it Note we had on our child’s face reminding us to sue fell off.”

A rift has grown among animal lovers between the more tradition shelters that euthanize to make space for more animals and the “no-kill” who won’t exterminate animals for any reason. However, there is now a third, experimental shelter where the parents of the animals call and bore them to death.

Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, a group called on 1 million black women to attend a similar rally on Philadelphia this fall. Organizers said the march will focus on single parenting and how that, “Denzel Washington is one fine (chocolate) brother.”

Candice Bergen wasn’t sure if she wanted to do another season of “Murphy Brown.” A spokesman for the aging star says the idea for the next season is bring it back to its roots and rejuvenate the program. When asked how the spokesman said, “Candice plans to bathe in the blood of virgins.”

Hollywood hookerlady Heidi Fleiss, who will be sentenced today on federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering, testified that she was “young and stupid and..wrong”. And crazy and creepy and criminal and mysoginist and icky. Icky, Icky lady. “I will be paying for the crimes I have committed for the rest of my life.” Literally. Maybe she was stupid for not charging more to cover her quarterly payments. Stupid, Stupid lady.

A jury resumes deliberations this week, deciding whether the cigarette industry is responsible for for the lung-cancer related death of a Florida smoker. The panel must decide whether cigarette companies have manufactured a “dangerous product.” The jury is next slated to preside over another Floridian’s suit against ExLax. “I ate the stuff, and it gave me the runs,” said the man. “I know it’s supposed to work, but Jeez.” Still pending is Tommy Lee Jones’ and Bryan Adams’ class-action suit against Clearasil.

The ninth installment of the “Star Trek” movie series is slated to roll before cameras next year. Producer Rick Berman is hush-hush about the plot, but did let slip that the story being discussed is a “high concept idea.” He went on to describe the failed first draft, where Picard and Data sat in a tastefully furnished flat discussing the works of O. Henry.

Deep Blue, the chess-playing supercomputer, was apparently made “more human” by its programmers, possessing an intuition much like our own. It went on to defeat champoin Garry Kasparov in their second match, losing the first only because it was distracted by a vacuum cleaner with “dangerous curves.” After its victory, Deep Blue took time out to thank its motherboard.

Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her the what-for.” Bowe and his sister are scheduled for a rematch next week, and the winner will decide who gets to use the remote control. Don King is set to represent the remote control to the tune of a “cool million.”

New York Mets pitcher Pete Harnish, diagnosed with depression, suited up Sunday and spent six of the nine innings in the dugout. He was going to go for seven, he explained, until he remembered the time he was turned down for the prom and had to go lie down in the showers. After the game, he was unavailable for interviews, as he was sidetracked by the concept of nuclear war. “Didn’t you ever see ‘The Day After?” he said. “It could happen, people.”

CBS celebrated its ratings victory last week with the “Dukes Of Hazard” reunion movie. The “film” scored the perrenial third-place network’s highest levels since the “Dallas” reunion several years ago. CBS is now considering jettisoning its current programming in favor of airing reruns of “Simon And Simon.”

Summer 1997

2007-01-10T13:46:00.002-08:00

I’m Going In 05.01.97

Police surrounding the ramshackle trailer which serves as the embassy for the Republic of Texas militia have gone ahead and cut off their power. Sheriffs did so by approaching the permiter under the cover of darkness, breaching the barb wire fence, crawling in close formation to avoid detection, and unplugging the hotplate.

Tony Blair, International Man Of Mystery 05.02.97

Labour Party leader Tony Blair won a landslide victory against John Major to become the youngest Prime Minister in Britain since 1812. Blair is so young, in fact, Parliament has voted that instead of the PM, he will now be officially known as the AM.

Take My Wife...PLEASE! 05.02.97

Last night, President Clinton once again tried to wow fund-raising guests with his attempts at stand up comedy, saying "I wish we could have had this event in the Lincoln Bedroom, but we did not have enough coffee in the White House." Upcoming fund-raisers will be held at Wacko's House of Chuckles in Baltimore on May 15th and at The Komedy Kastle and Bowling Alley in Pasiac, New Jersey on the 24th. If all goes well, Clinton plans to give the State of the Union Address on A&E's Evening at the Improv.

Presidentially Yours 05.02.97

President Clinton has announced he will formally apologize to the survivors of the Tuskegee experiments, in which 400 black men were knowingly not treated for syphilis for the purpose of federal research. Clinton said that he did not want to be "dripping with sentiment", but "this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Well, not my heart."

A Rose By Any Other Name Sounds As Funny 05.16.97

Mobuto and Kabila are still in an imbroglio over Kinshasa ever since the powwow in the Congo was kiboshed. I don't really have a joke, I just like the way it sounds.

Use The Force Of The Blast 05.16.97

Timothy McVeigh's former Army buddy Michael Fortier testified in court this week that McVeigh had used metaphors from the movie Star Wars to describe his intentions to blow up the Murrah Federal Building. Frankly, one of my biggest disappointments with the re-released special edition was George Lucas' decision to cut the part where Luke buys several 55-gallon barrels of nitrogen-based fertilizer, loads them into a rented landspeeder, and drives a flaming, ball of hot death into an Imperial daycare center, killing several hundred innocent children, Ugnaughts, and Jawas. But that's just me.

Open The Pod Bay Doors, Gary 05.16.97

Chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov was defeated by IBM supercomputer Deep Blue in the highly-publicized rematch. Kasparov conceded his defeat like a man, reaching out to give Deep Blue a congratulatory handshake. However, when he realized the cold, steely, soulless machine had no arms, Kasparov laughed a laugh that only humans could laugh, pulled the plug from the wall socket and yelled "Checkmate schmeckmate, who's the tough guy now, Hal?"

The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla 05.16.97

A devastating earthquake rocked Northern Iran this week, leaving thousands of Iranians homeless, missing, or dead. International relief organizations were delighted with the response of Americans who were able to forget about the past, put history behind them, let bygones be bygones and send tons of unwanted items to the ravaged nation. They would like to inform would-be donors, however, that they already have enough Billy Beer, vinyl copies of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, and Fuck Iran long-sleeved T-shirts, and what they really need is blankets.

The International Rifle Association 05.16.97

In response to February's Empire State Building shooting spree, President Clinton announced new gun sale restrictions that will now require foreigners to establish residency for at least 90 days before they can buy a firearm and go on a shooting spree at the Empire State Building.

The Old Fashioned Way 05.16.97

According to his annual financial disclosure form, President Clinton owes over $1 million each to two separate law firms defending him in Whitewater and a sexual harassment suit. The President didn't seem concerned about the debt, saying, "Hey, a night in the Lincoln bedroom here, a fancy schmancy dinner for Chinese nationals there, boom, I've got your million dollars and change by the weekend."

I’d Like To Call Able Team and Phoenix Force To The Stand 05.16.97

A government witness testified that Timothy McVeigh's fingerprints could not be found on several key pieces of evidence linking him to the bombing. Apparently, McVeigh wore gloves when underlining passages from his dog-eared copy of Mack Bolan, the Executioner #65.

In Like Flinn 05.21.97

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery and other charges. The service in fact plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then throwing medium-sized stones at the dirty jezebel.

How Do You Spell “Tourette’s” 05.28.97

As she nervously waved her arms and mumbled into her cupped hands, 13-year-old Rebecca Sealfon correctly spelled the word "euonym" and captured the 70th National Spelling Bee title. Spastically shouting out each letter as she pogoed excitedly in place, Sealfon made it to the finals by spelling the Latinates "obsessive", "compulsive", and "behavior" and the compound word "David Helfgott".

Congoing Crazy 05.28.97

After ousting Mobotu, Laurent Kabila was inaugurated as president of the Congo this week, promising that the new republic will be a democracy with three branches of government, but until a Constitution is ratified, he will rule the country by decree and appoint whomever he wants to whatever position he decides to create. When asked how this constitutes "democracy," Kabila had the reporter tortured and killed, blew into a conch shell and replied, "You want a piece of me? I'm the King of the Hill now, baby. One man, one vote, and I'm the one man with the one vote. Oh, and I'm raising your taxes."

Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 06.02.97

Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. Her 12-year-old nephew implicated in the fire, denies any involvement, but did suggest he created the atmosphere in which the fire was started.

Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 2 06.02.97

Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. While fatal third degee burns are certainly a tragedy, on the plus side, Shabazz may receive the Best Actor nod in next year's Oscars.

Fight The Power 07.02.97

Researchers have concluded that power lines do not increase our children's risk of developing leukemia. The study did not, however, rule out the potential of turning children into mutant freaks with the ability to telepathically manipulate electromagnetic waves with their minds, forcing community watchdogs to ostracise the frightened, misunderstood youngsters who will flee to the fringes of society where, as supervillains, they will plot their revenge and declare, fists raised defiantly, "that'll show 'em" and "those so-and-so's will rue the day the met me". Eventually, they'll use their powers of evil to shut down the world's centers of commerce and trade, and, to defeat the evil menace, the government will call in the children who lived in areas with high benzine content in the water supply and developed the ability to transform themselves into any carbon-based molecular structure, and a battle of galactic proportions will ensue. So parents, even with the announcement of the cure of leukemia, you must diligently warn your children to avoid downed power lines because we're not out of the woods yet.

Calypso 07.02.97

This weekend, a memorial service was held to commemorate the passing of oceanographer Jacques Cousteau who died last week at the age of 87. Cousteau's body was chopped into tiny bits of chum and thrown to sharks as mourners were lowered in submersible protective cages to capture the whole thing on videotape. One pallbearer was heard to say "It was great. Now if only that prick Marty Stouffer got mauled by a bear."

Vodka Served In First Class Only 05.01.97

The first Russian jet powered by an American engine was unveiled today, which the Russians hope will help them break into the world aviation market. The jet, powered by a V-6 from a 1987 Ford Taurus will not be able to fly, but can get 23 MPG in the city and can take corners at up to 65, without tipping over.

What About Tic-Tacs? 05.02.97

James Morgan, president of Philip Morris, in response to a $5 billion class action lawsuit, said in a videotaped message that tobacco is no more addictive than Gummy Bear candy. A representative for the Gummy Company, makers of Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, and the Gummed Backing On Envelopes, has denied reports that executives buried a 1972 memo warning of the potentially addictive and hazardous side effects of sugary, gelatinous goo, but has offered to pour millions of dollars into research on the Gummy Patch.

Thank Heaven For... 05.02.97

According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates the percentage of young girls ages 15 to 19 having sex with government researchers is way up.

Thank Heaven, For... 2 05.02.97

According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates there been a 5% increase in the incidents of young girls ages 15 to 19 lying.

Trumped Again 05.02.97

Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night, which is well above the going-rate for a 28-year-old flight attendant.

Trumped Again 2 05.02.97

Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night. All of this will be detailed in Maples' new book, "The Art of the Deal".

And Keeps It Off 05.02.97

A woman undergoing lipsuction surgery bled to death after doctors removed 20 pounds of fat from her. In response to attempts by California officials to suspend their licenses, they were quoted as saying, "I don't know what the problem is. She lost the weight".

International Bullshit Machine 05.02.97

Grandmaster Gary Kasparov will face challenger IBM's Deep Blue in a rematch. Once again, Kasparov will attempt to prove to the world the superiority of human intelligence, the flexibility of human thought processes, and the ability of IBM to shamelessly exploit any event to sell more personal computers.

Take Two Pentium Chips And Call Me In The Morning 05.02.97

Columbia/HCA Healthcare Corp. of New York, the nation's largest hospital company, is testing a system allowing doctors to make virtual housecalls. This comes as a boon for hypochondriacs.

Liggett My Eggett 05.16.97

Liggett Group, makers of Lark, Eve, and Chesterfield cigarettes, has announced that their brands will now be marked with labels warning that smoking is addictive. This comes as great news for all those consumers who don't smoke now, but planned on inventing a time machine to travel back to the Fifties, where they can heavy pet in a bomb shelter before driving their steady home in Dad's Edsel and meeting the guys at the soda fountain for a malted.

Whoopski! 05.16.97

A government report indicates that, due to computer glitches, several Russian missiles aimed at the US have been activated in recent months. I don’t know about you, but the idea of some bleery-eyed Cossack half-drunk on potato vodka, working a swing shift at the missile silo, downloading nude photos of the latest Bond girl, hitting the back button and there goes Omaha , Nebraska is not comforting. Hey, Mother Russia, fuck the Mir space station, fuck the Chechnyan conflict, fuck the goddamn bread lines, let’s get to work de-activating the ICBM’s so that I can quit stockpiling cans of cling peaches in my basement and get back to fearing the Chinese.

Cheeseburger In Paradise 05.28.97

Nike shares skyrocketed this week, led by speculation that septuagenarian billionaire investor Warren Buffett is interested in investing in the athletic footwear company. Unfortunately, the stocks plummeted late in the day when all of Wall Street simultaneously asked themselves what a 70-year-old man needs with a pair of Air Jordans.

The Royale With Cheese 05.28.97

After franchisees balked at the idea, McDonald's has ix-nayed a proposal to guarantee serving customers their orders within 55 seconds of payment. Apparently, however, employees have tentatively agreed to continue fucking up your order no matter how long it takes, and “we'll put that in writing if need be.”

Smoke Gets In Your Lies 05.28.97

The Federal Trade Commission will charge RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co. with unfair advertising because of its Joe Camel ad campaign. Uncle Sam apparently is sick and tired of being cuckolded by a pool-playing anthropomorphic dromedary with a vagina for a mouth and wants to impress on our American youth that the only reason you should ever, ever take up smoking is because cowboys and race cars are really, really cool.

Anatomically and Politically Correct 05.28.97

Toy manufacturer Mattel has announced a new doll in their Barbie line that they claim will "help dispel the myths and stereotypes children have of the handicapped". The new doll, Share-A-Smile Becky, will come with a plastic pink wheelchair, long, thin-yet-shapely legs that don't work, disproportionately large and perky breasts with no feeling, and one almond-shaped baby blue eye with a severed optic nerve and matching handbag.

All in the Family 03.02.97

Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.

Creature Feature 03.02.97

Tomoyuki Tanaka, creator of the popular Japanese monster movies, passed away at the age of 86. The pall bearers included a 50 foot fire breathing lizard, a screeching teradactyl and a flame throwing flying tortoise who is friend to all children. The poignant eulogy, "Arrgggheeeeuuuggghhhhh!!!!", was delivered by a three headed flying dragon from outer space

Goufée 03.04.97

Disney has announced plans to introduce its Disney Channel this March in France. In an effort to make their programming more accessible to the foreign market, some of the shows have been altered slightly and will include Donald Duck ala Orange, Huey, Dewey and Louix XIV, and The Absent-Minded Collaborator.

Bedtime To Ronzo 03.05.97

Ronald and Nancy Reagan are celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary, which prompted Mrs. Reagan to say “It seems like only 45 minutes since wedding bells rang.” Though the former first lady was waxing metaphoric, ironically enough, it really does only seem that long to her husband.

Mary...I’m Home! 03.05.97

A New Jersey production of a passion play has received racist letters and numerous ticket cancellations due to the casting of Desi Arnaz Giles, an African-American actor, as Jesus. The disgruntled theatergoers were not upset that a black man was playing Christ, but that he took a beloved Cuban bandleader’s name in vain.

Homeless Alone 03.05.97

The parents of McCauley Culkin are still locking horns with each other in a bitter lawsuit to win custody of their six children and the millions of dollars belonging to their famous son. A judge has stepped in and placed control of the young actor’s finances in the hands of his accountant. Likewise, in an effort to insure that the children will be allowed to have healthy, normal childhoods, the judge has granted custody of the six children to the parents of Drew Barrymore, Danny Bonaduce, Brooke Shields, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and the Jackson 5.

I’m Looking For Sara Connor 03.05.97

Despite her impending marriage to action director James Cameron, actress Linda Hamilton is still fighting rumors that she is a lesbian. The Terminator 2 star is still baffled as to why the rumors have been haunting her since college, where she double-majored in the complete works of Gertrude Stein and Virginia Woolf, played for the golf team and listed Clambake as her favorite Elvis movie.

Love Is Many Splendored Thing 03.06.97

Courtney Love wants a Florida county to pay $27,000 in legal fees relating to an incident in which Love punched two fans at one her shows. The judge in that trial ruled in Love’s favor stating that the fans were not exposed to any more violence than should be expected at a grunge concert. Strangely, the same judge ruled similarly to a case involving Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman.

Four Score And Seven Subpeonas Ago 03.07.97

President Bill Clinton and wife Hilary honored President Abraham Lincoln by attending a gala held at Ford’s Theater. As a tribute to the sixteenth president, Clinton leapt from the balcony to the stage, breaking his ankle, and shouted “sic semper tyranannus” as he ran from the theater to a barn in Virginia, where he was hunted down and killed by union troops. Questioned about his bizarre behavior, the dead Clinton said, “I didn’t want appear rude by just leaving.”

With Music By Elton John, Lyrics By Tim Rice 03.07.97

Disney’s Touchstone Pictures is trying secure the rights to the true story of Irish reporter Veronica Guerin, who was allegedly gunned down by a drug lord. Since Guerin’s husband still refuses to sell them his wife’s story, the movie studio is going ahead with their own “unauthorized” version featuring Bette Midler as Guerin, Robin Williams as her husband, Rick Moranis as the evil drug lord and the voice of Gilbert Gottfried as Guerin’s animated talking cat, Seamus.

Might As Well Jump 03.07.97

Bubblefactory records will be the lucky company that gets to release Sammy Hagar’s first post-Van Halen album. “O U Fired Me 2” will be an entirely accapela outing featuring harmonies between Hagar and David Lee Roth. Tunes include the rock ballad, “Who Needs A Guitar Player Anyway?” and “If My Last Name Were Van Halen, I Would Still Have A Job”.

We Now Return To Hallmark’s “Amaru!” 03.07.97

Hollywood has already began putting together the cast for a movie about the Peruvian hostage crisis, even though the standoff has yet to be resolved. Hollywood should be able to master this story rather easily as they are quite adept at long-protracted stories about nothing without an ending.

Bitter Pill 03.07.97

Tony Tennille expressed surprise and dissapointment when she failed to gain the lead in Victor/Victoria, losing out to Raquel Welch. This comes on the heels of her dissapointment at discovering that “The Captain” is not really in the military and that you can’t make love to a Muskrat.

Best Known As The Voice Of Grampa On Rugrats 03.07.97

Actor David Doyle, who played Bosley on “Charlie’s Angels”, died last week at the age of 67. The eulogy was delivered by a disembodied voice on a speakerphone, and rumors that the actor was seen being escorted into the sky by three angels in multi-colored jumpsuits with outdated feathered hair styles remain unconfirmed.

Come Out, Come Out Where Ellen You Are 03.07.97

Saturday night, at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s “Women’s Night,” actress Ellen Degeneres planted a huge kiss on singer kd Lang, once and for all, dispelling any doubts that kd Lang is, in fact, a lesbian.

Black Is Black 03.07.97

Rap record mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was sentenced to nine years for parole violation and his participation in a gang murder. Insiders (Snake, Mad Dog, and My Bitch from Cell Block 9) speculate that Knight’s incarceration was just a shrewd business move designed to drive up stock in Death Row Records, but Knight, speaking from his cell phone in the prison recording studio where he is producing the new artist Rappin’ Richard Ramirez, denied the charges, assuring all the kids at home that they could still look up to him, because he, in fact, remains a dope fly fresh live hype gang$ta pimp hustler motherfucker who caps suckas who front, ai-ite!

Swirlie Girlie 03.09.97

Jenny McCarthy had no comment when informed that Cosmopolitan and Vogue rejected her “Candies” shoe ad showing the blonde starlet sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles. She was reported to be elated, however, to learn that the ad will be featured in Commodes Quarterly, Porcelain Today and Panties Around Your Ankles Monthly.

The Marrying Kind 03.09.97

Christie Brinkley, who married fourth and latest husband Peter Cook only 1 1/2 years after marrying, and then divorcing, her third husband Rick Taubman, told a Redbook reporter that she “must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress” when she married Taubman who rescued her from a blazing helicopter crash. Brinkley then divorced Cook and married the Redbook reporter.

Peter’s Friend 03.09.97

Kenneth Branagh, nominated for his screenplay adaptation of “Hamlet”, will be presenting an award at the 69th annual Academy Awards. Branagh’s uncut presentation, which the actor will write, direct and star in, will be three and a half hours in length and feature cameos by Sir John Gielgud, Al Pacino and Robin Williams and remain true to the original.

Cell-uloid Princess 03.10.97

Legendary Hollywood movie queen Hedy Lamarr is being honored for techonology she helped create fifty years ago, that inspired the invention of cellular phones. Fortunately, Ms. Lamarr is being honored while she is still alive, unlike her other contemporaries in science, Greta Garbo, who pioneered room temperature fusion, Jean Harlow, mother of manned space travel and Nikola Tesla, who popularized the “Peek-a-boo” hair-do.

Thanks For Your Support 03.10.97

Richard Marx and Jewel are among the stars arriving on Capitol Hill today to petition for more funding for the arts. It looks like there will be no funding for the arts this year.

The Final Trump 03.10.97

Alfred Sheinwold, who authored thirteen books and a daily syndicated column on bridge, died at the age of 85. Evidently he had been sitting at the table for five days before anyone noticed.

I’m Being Degeneres 03.10.97

Melissa Ethridge and kd Lang, two known singers, are slated to appear in the “coming out” episode of Ellen. The last minute addition was caused when original guests, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan, unexpectedly backed out. The show about Ellen’s sexual orientation has been on the table for months now, and the episode, eight hours in length, will consist of Degeneres saying “I am gay,” and clip after clip of everyone in America saying, “I know.”

Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Can’t You See 03.10.97

In Los Angeles, rapper Big E. Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting outside of a Soul Train Awards party at the Petersen Automotive Museum. Though the assailants are still at large, the car is now on display.

My Left Eye 03.11.97

Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, died yesterday, after a prolonged paralysis during which he dictated a 150-page book, letter by letter by winking his left eye. The book, “Le Scaphandre et le Papillon” (The Diving Suit and the Butterfly), makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, he just had something in his eye.

Rapping It Up 03.11.97

The album title of the late Gangsta Rapper Notorious B.I.G. was, aptly enough, “Life After Death, Till Death Do Us Part”, though he insisted he was not predicting his own death. Ironically enough, there has been no explanation for the tracks on the album, “Gonna Get Shot in Front of a Museum”, and “I Didn’t Want To Go To The Mickyficky Soultrain Awards Anyway.”

Do The Loco-Motion With Me 03.12.97

Veteran 70’s rock band Grand Funk Railroad are touring the country with the Sarajevo Symphony to raise money for charity. Other bands that need your help include Kansas, Bachman-Turner Overdrive and America.

Silence Isn't Golden 03.12.97

Evidence has come to light that Laurence Austin, the owner and operator of the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles, was the victim of a murder for hire. The investigating team, twenty policemen from the Keystone division, actually cornered a suspect, but the pursuit was foiled when a piano fell on their paddy wagon.

To Be Or Not To Be O/S 03.13.97

A 1964 filmed production of "Hamlet" starring Richard Burton will be premiering on the Internet next month. The film will be shown much against the wishes of the late star, who was vehemently opposed to having "Hamlet" seen on a movie screen. Burton will happy to know that instead, the film will be shown on a 160 x 120 pixel window at 2 frames per second and with audio that cuts out during all the soliloquies.

Ask Dr. Laura 03.14.97

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio therapist who tells her callers to "get over it" when it comes to being weak and overly sensitive, broke down on the air, after being criticized by a Dallas newspaper. To find solace, Schlessinger ended up spending two hours on the phone with her rabbi. The rabbi has sent Schlessinger to work on a kibbutz in Haifa, while in her time slot, he will now be hosting his own self-help show, "Kvetch and Retch."

The Littlest Big Star 03.14.97

LeAnn Rimes, the 14-year-old country music star, has just crayoned a million dollar book deal with Doubleday. The book, a novelization about a young singer's Christmas, must be two pages, double-spaced, no more than five hundred words and the thesis must be clearly stated in the first paragraph. For extra credit, Miss Rimes can write an essay entitled "What I Did With My Million Dollar Book Deal."

The Big E 03.14.97

The twenty year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death will be observed in grand style, featuring live tributes, a full symphony orchestra playing his hits and the world's largest Elvis candlelight vigil. Several of the events not being featured include the Robert Goulet Celebrity T.V. Shoot-Out, All You Can Eat Clambake, and the Third Annual Nembutal Swallowing Competition.

And Big E. 03.14.97

The family of slain rapper Notorious B.I.G. is asking that the funeral be held privately and in peace. Kirk Burrowes, president of Bad Boy Entertainment reiterated the wish saying, "There will plenty of time in the coming weeks for you to show your support, your love and your respect for B.I.G." Fans will be expected to show their support, love and respect by purchasing the all-star music video version of the funeral, which will be released next month for $39.95.

Jack Of All Trades 03.17.97

A Los Angeles-based record company is releasing a compact disc of Jack Kevorkian's jazz compositions. Selections also include several jazz covers of such favorites as "Killing Me Softly". Music critics feel that this is further proof that jazz is indeed, dead.

Delhi Cuts 03.17.97

Five Indian farmers in New Delhi have threatened to kill themselves if New Age musician Yanni plays a concert on their land. Sometimes a joke just writes itself.

Olive Branch Releasing Presents 03.18.97

Paramount Pictures announced they are holding back the summer release of their blockbuster disaster epic, "The Flood" stating that they need more time to work on the film. The filmmakers plan to bring in two of every kind of producer to fix the script.

I Concur 03.19.97

New age musician Yanni says he wants his concert at the Taj Mahal to be a "feel good experience" and, in an effort to diffuse the situation with the five protesting Indian farmers, invited them to come in free. They declined, saying they'd rather set themselves on fire.

At Rest In The Fortress of Solitude 03.19.97

Alexander Salkind, the producer who gave the world the "Superman" films, died in Paris at the age of 75. Though reports first listed the cause of death as a stomach ailment, rumors of a glowing green substance found under Salkind's bed remain unconfirmed. In response to the news, a grieving Superman flew around the earth trying to reverse time and bring Salkind back, but, alas, it was too late.

What A Wonderful World 03.19.97

The "Wonderful World of Disney" will be returning to network television on ABC. Inasmuch as Disney already has pretty much exhausted its supply of cartoons, films and cartoon films on its cable channel, the new ABC series will be reality-based. Segments will include up-close and personal pieces on Disney execs, their homes and their cars. Other proposed features are "Studio Cops", in which security guards deal every week with unauthorized persons attempting to enter the building, and "It's A Small World, After All", detailing sweatshop conditions in Asia.

HIStory 03.19.97

Michael Jackson has won a lawsuit brought against him by five former employees who claimed they were fired for co-operating in a child molestation investigation. The jury, composed of six light-skinned black men and six pedophiles, decided that the plaintiffs were clearly trying to "kick him, kike him and that they shouldn't black or white him."

No Longer A Youngman 03.19.97

King of the one-liners Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday today. While trying to blow out the candles on his cake, the comic was heard to say, "Take my life, please."

Breaking The Point 03.19.97

Producers of "Breaking the Surface", the Greg Louganis story, have not allowed any kissing scenes in the film, for fear of turning off viewers. In an effort to avoid turning off people who hate swimming, the Louganis character is now a Russian husband and wife figure skating team and for those uncomfortable with the issues of HIV, the male skater will simply contract a bad cough.

Stern Admonitions 03.20.97

In an effort to promote peace in the rap community, Howard Stern invited rappers to a "summit" on the show. The discussion included such notorious 'gangstas' as Mele-mel, Chubb Rock and Luther Campbell. Things became ugly when Jewel, Melissa Ethridge, and Seal drove by in another studio yelling mild obscenities in a drive-by shouting. Though no peace accord was reached, they managed to agree that "Private Parts" is a good movie, and that they would all like to have sex with lesbians.

Bring Out The Gimp 03.20.97

The Los Angeles Times reported that based on this year's nominations, playing a role with a physical affliction is the surest way for an actor to get a Best Actor nomination. Hopes now run high for Jim Varney's upcoming, "The Stephen Hawking Story ", Andrew Dice Clay's turn as Quasimodo and Pia Zadora's much acclaimed portrayal in the "Helen Keller Story."

The Bluest Skies I’ve Ever Seen 03.20.97

Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth says that on his new TV series, Lawless, he will be doing his own stunts, unlike when he played football. Of television he adds, "This is similar to football, I work all week and get paid on Saturday." It is also similar to football in that the new series is almost as bad as the Seahawks.

All-You-Can-Eat Buffett 03.20.97

Pop singer Jimmy Buffett is suing the owners of the Maui-based restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise", for profiting off his song title. In an effort to stem the tide of others reaping benefits off his efforts, Buffet plans to sue "Wasted Away in Margaritaville" a re-hab clinic for hopeless alcoholics with a weakness for Tequila.

The Women of Forest Lawn 03.21.97

Grace Hefner, the mother of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, died today at the age of 101. Grace was 5'4", 32-45-36, and her interests included writing poetry, romantic candlelight dinners, Tupperware, mah-jongg and breathing.

The Big W. 03.24.97

Reverend W. Awdry, author of the famed Thomas the Tank Engine children's tales, died at the age of 85. I guess he just ran out of steam.

Crammed With Graham 03.25.97

Stedman Graham has a fairly good chance of making Oprah's book list with his motivational entry entitled "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine Step Plan For Success." Step one: Meet Oprah, Step Two: Ask Oprah out, Step Three: Date Oprah, Step Four: Sleep with Oprah, Step Five: Get engaged to Oprah, Step Six:Get Oprah to introduce you to some publishers, Step Seven: Mention Oprah's name when meeting with the publisher, Step Eight: Have Oprah mention the book on TV, Step Nine:Get on Oprah's show.

And On A Blue Note... 03.25.97

Harold Melvin, former leader of the Philadelphia doo-wop group the Blue Notes, died from a stroke at the age of 57. If you don't him by now, you're never never never gonna know him...

Nava Again 03.28.97

Selena director Gregory Nava was criticized by a New York Times critic who felt the film was "too nice", including the fact that Selena's death is not even shown. Nava defended the choice saying, "I wanted to go back to the Greek tragedies. Murder was never shown on stage." Oddly enough, the film closely resembles the little known Greek tragedy Lysistrata Con Much Gusto, the story of an Athenian princess who moves to Mexico to become a pop star and ends up getting her eyes poked out by a jealous fan who also happens to be her mother.

The Sun Ain’t Coming Out 03.31.97

Joanna Pacitti, the 12-year-old who was fired from the Broadway revival of "Annie", sold her story for a TV movie tentatively entitled, "Little Orphaned Annie." Unfortunatly, a week into shooting, Pacitti was replaced.

Because, Because, Because, Because, Because 03.31.97

15-year-old Jessica Grove has been selected to play Dorothy in the Broadway production of "The Wizard of Oz." In the tradition of the original production, the Tin Man will get deathly-ill from the makeup, the Glenda the Good Witch will never work again, and Dorothy will be put on a strict diet of Nembutal.

If It’s Too Loud 03.31.97

An Arizona judge has filed a lawsuit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has had a persistent ringing in his ears alleging it was the loudest concert he ever heard. Not willing to take any more chances with his hearing, the judge has sold off his tickets to Anne Murray, Air Supply and Marcel Marceau.

Turner Classic Loonies 03.31.97

In response to the Heaven's Gate incident, Ted Turner replied that mass suicide is "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." Turner, you may recall, thought that a talking dog could carry a fledgling 24-hours news network, that making black-and-white films look like Monet paintings is a good idea, and that Barbarella would make a docile, corporate wife. Time Warner suggested another good way to get rid of a few nuts: "buy their companies and make them Vice Chairman of yours."

For Sale By Owner’s Proxy 03.31.97

This month, Barbra Streisand's Holmby Hills home will go on the market for a reported $7.5 million. Despite the complaints of neighbors, the facade of the home was never renovated as Barbra felt any cosmetic changes would affect the resonance. The five-bedroom, seven-bath house features soft-lighting, stage fright and James Brolin. Barbra will not show the home herself, but will ask Celine Dion to do it for her.

Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97

Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.

It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97

Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.

The Legend Continues 04.02.97

Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.

Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97

Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.

Good Vibrations 04.03.97

Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."

The Merry Cancers 04.04.97

Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."

One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97

Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined.

Kaddish 04.07.97

Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.

The More Things Change 04.08.97

Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.

What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97

After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.

Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97

This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.

Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97

The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.

Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97

The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time...I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked..."<

Superunknown 04.09.97

Seattle based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.

The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97

Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After trying repeadtedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.

Dustin The Wind 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".

Dustin The Wind 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral, sleazy, money-grubbing shyster."

L is for... 04.09.97

In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"

A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97

The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.

The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97

Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Fla. have canceled the sixteen year old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.

It's A Bird! 04.10.97

Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.

Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97

A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the model maker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.

Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97

The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: the music and the phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.

Stealing Liv 04.13.97

Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went on-line for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.

The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97

British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.

Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97

Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.

Mission Impossible 04.15.97

A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.

They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97

Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for Sushi?"

Modern Times 04.15.97

Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center, the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17 Year Old and Younger Singles Bar.

Man of Steel 04.16.97

Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.

On With The Body Count 04.16.97

Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be gangsta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.

Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97

The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."

Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97

ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."

Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97

In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."

There Are More Records Of 04.15.97

The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free, and then be sold to other states.

Art Imitating Life 04.15.97

After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.

Some People Call Them Fake Tits, I Call Them Augmented 04.16.97

Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade and appeared in the film One False Move and the TV series Evening Shade. In a related story, Billy Bob Thorton is a talented man who will continue to work for a long, long time and Pietra is a stupid cunt whose only talent is having silicone breast implants. Fuck you, whore.

Another False Move 04.16.97

Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.

The Main Event 04.17.97

West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.

The Main Event 2 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.

The Main Event 3 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."

Just Ducky 04.17.97

Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."

Typecasting 101 04.17.97

"Kissed" the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.

Croatan 04.18.97

Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.

In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97

A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.

Brainsmashing 04.18.97

Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.

Gill-ty 04.18.97

Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years , Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.

The Beautiful People 04.18.97

Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.

I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97

The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.

The Unreal World 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.

The Unreal World 2 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.

Kojak City 4.18.97

Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.

Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97

The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.

Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97

Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.

Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97

Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.

You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97

Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".

Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97

The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.

Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97

A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."

Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97

Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?

Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97

Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.

Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97

Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."

Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97

Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?

In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.

The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.

Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.
Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack ahd a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.

And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.

Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97

Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currenlty shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.

Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97

Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead", placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.

The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97

Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.

We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97

The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.

He Ain’t Frugal In All Areas 05.01.97

Five more young men have come forward accusing Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet, of sexually molesting them when they were teenagers. Smith was not available for comment, as he was working on his new cookbooks, "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks in Prison", "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks for the Vienna Boys Choir" and "The Frugal Gourmet's Boy Scout Cookbook."

Coming In America 05.02.97

Eddie Murphy was arrested Friday morning for soliciting an alleged transsexual prostitute. As it turns it, the versatile Murphy was playing both roles, as well as that of the arresting officer, as part of his new film, The Nutless Professor.

Who Will Play Sharon Tate? 05.02.97

Roman Polanski will be directing the musical version of his 1967 film, The Fearless Vampire Killers, entitled Dance of the Vampires. All shows will be childrens' matinees.

Up, Up, And Away 05.02.97

ABC Television has pulled "Lois & Clark: The New Adventure of Superman" from their Saturday night lineup for "re-tooling." New ABC Head of Programming, Lex Luthor, assures viewers that this is only the beginning. "Before I'm through with them, they'll be on Sunday mornings, playing opposite 'Lamp Onto My Feet' They'll rue the day they met me! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

In a related story, Teri Hatcher, star of "Lois & Clark" and the most downloaded celebrity on the Web, is pregnant. While this has prompted a downsurge in hits at alt.celebrities.nude.binary, it has caused an upswing in visits to alt.pregnant.nudecelebs.

The Digital Revolution Will Not Be Televised 05.02.97

Time Warner is canceling its interactive television channel, the Full Service Network, after only two years. Apparently, customers were not impressed with the "full service interactive" options, which included the ability to order a movie on demand. Time Warner is considering revamping the network and re-titling it PAY-PER-VIEW!

Ethics in Broadcasting 05.02.97

Anchor Carol Marin has quit Chicago's WMAQ-TV after the station hired former tabloid talk-show host Jerry Springer to do commentary. Apparently, Marin was excited by the prospect of an opening in daytime TV.

Just Wondering 05.02.97

An estimated 42 million viewers tuned in Wednesday night to watch Ellen come out. According to fag statistics, 4.2 million of them would be gay, which indicates that some 38 million Americans are at least "curious."

Damn Right I Got The Blues 05.02.97

The Blues Foundation handed out the 18th Annual WC Handy Awards Thursday night in Memphis to those individuals who have kept the blues alive. Unfortunately, none of the nominees showed up as they were too depressed, melancholy and downtrodden to attend.

A Sort of Homecoming 05.02.97

The righteously-indignant Irish rock band U2 is laying tracks for its first new album in four years. In an effort to further alienate any fans of the band’s earlier music, the new album plans to cash in on the techno-dance sound. While the beats will be phat, Bono still plans to run his trap about social concerns he’s only half-aware of. Furthermore, REM and Sinead O’Connor are irritating, too, and, even though he hasn’t said a goddamned thing about trees or peace, Seal can go fuck himself.

I’m An Asshole 05.02.97

With the success of his Apostle Pictures, actor-comic Denis Leary can now add “producer” to his hyphenated title. And while he’s at it, he can take the “actor” and “comic” parts off.

Have A Nice Day 05.16.97

Sadly, comedian George Carlin’s wife and manager Brenda Carlin died this week. D’you ever notice you don’t seem to get laid much at a funeral?

Abracadaver 05.18.97

Sadly, magician Harry Blackstone died of cancer this week at the age of 62. Mourners at his funeral were shocked and outraged when they discovered that the casket was missing, but delighted when the priest snapped his fingers three times, said the magic word, and pulled the coffin from behind the widow’s ear.

April 1997

2007-01-10T13:46:00.001-08:00

Building Blocks 04.01.97

Scientists examining the Halle-Bopp comet have discovered it contains chemicals that make up the beginnings of life. In addition to methanol, carbon monoxide and hydrogen sulfide, they also found large quantities of phenbarbitol, vodka and chocolate pudding.

Section D 04.01.97

Nancy Woodhull, a founding editor of USA Today died of lung caner at the age of 51. In honor of her death, the newspaper will headline her obituary with a color pie chart detailing the gradual degeneration of her health.

Borderline 04.01.97

A new bill, designed to halt illegal immigration by beefing up the number of border patrol agents and tightening security, has passed. In addition, a line item calls for blowing up the Statue of Liberty and wiping your ass with the Declaration of Independence.

Keep Coming Back 04.01.97

U.S. diplomat Dennis Ross reported to the President Clinton that the situation in the Middle East is "sober." Evidently the process had been seen a few days ago, staggering out of a bar in Haifa, drunk, on the arm of two Palestinian women, but Ross apparently staged an intervention with the Process and got it to admit it had a problem, which is the first step. Though the peace process is attending a 12 step meeting in Jerusalem, it is still a bit shaky and has to take it One War at a Time. However, it has promised it will only drink grape juice at Passover next month.

It Was Just A Joke! 04.02.97

As an April Fool's joke, Bill Clinton hobbled into the White House saying that spokesman Mike McCurry fell and injured his knee and was being replaced, repeating the exact remarks McCurry made when the President took his fall. Vice President Al Gore then brought the house down, coming in as Vince Foster, clutching a blood bag to his chest, and shouting "Et tu Brute! which were the exact words Foster said when he took his fall.

He's Not Just A Telescope 04.02.97

According to White House sources, President Clinton had senior officials find work for his friend, former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell. Allegedly the positions included the President's Special Advisor on Friendship, Executive in Charge of Being Clinton's Friend, and the Friend General of the United States.

But Not The Shortest 04.07.97

The space shuttle Columbia returns today on one of the shortest shuttle missions ever, due to reports of a faulty power generator. The seven member crew was upset, as the return means they will not be able to complete the battery of experiments including, how ants respond to zero-gravity, how cream donuts respond to zero-gravity and making asinine grainy black-and-white home videos that serve absolutely no purpose, beamed back home to be used on computer commercials, and how that responds to zero gravity.

The Final Frontier 04.09.97

As the power-weakened space shuttle Columbia returns to Earth, the crew has been forced to use flashlights to work in the dark. Taking advantage of the situation, senior flight members started telling ghost stories, while holding the lights menacingly under their chins. The festivities came to an end, however, when junior members suggested they take off their clothes and have a make out party and were told to go back to work.

The Last of The Deep Space Probes 04.09.97

NASA is considering sending the shuttle Columbia back up as soon as July 2nd to make up for having come home early. NASA representatives proudly announced that this is only the third time a shuttle has returned prematurely due to a mechanical malfunction. Added one official, "Unless of course you count the one that blew up, but I guess that one didn't exactly make it back."

Not All Present And Accounted For 04.09.97

According to the General Accounting Office, the IRS has security weaknesses, inadequate monitoring, and thousands of missing data files. Insiders speculate that this new information will have absolutely no effect on the millions of lemming-like taxpayers who will continue to pull their hair out from now until midnight April 15 as they proceed to pay up to two-fifths of their income to a rogue government agency originally set up to temporarily aid a war effort long since over. In a related story, please don't audit me, please, please.

Business As Usual 04.09.97

UN Secretary General Khoufi Anan said he plans to reform the Human Rights' Office of the United Nations in an effort to make it a more effective world body. Critics claimed that Anan's comments were vague and noncommittal, as there were no specific plans for reform. Anan responded to the charges by saying he wouldn't be naming a new Human Rights' Chief, but he would be encouraging thousands of college kids to write letters on behalf of prisoners of conscience everywhere, and, if that doesn't work, he'll enlist Peter Gabriel to write a song.

Numbers Don’t Lie, Kid 04.09.97

A new census indicates that one in every ten persons living in the US is foreign born. According to Act Up, one in every ten persons is gay. One in every ten dentists recommends Trident for patients who chew gum. This has prompted the Republican-led Congress to call for the deportation of over 24 million gay dentists.

Vote Aqui 04.09.97

According to Los Angeles Republican fat cats who've lined their wallets with the blood of South Central, encumbent and decent fellow Dick Riordan beat former Yippie radical, ex-husband of Jane Fonda, and mass murderer Tom Hayden in a landslide victory. The Republicans said, "I think this sends a pretty strong statement to the poor."

62.6% of 14% of the voters of Los Angeles re-elected Dick Riordan in a landslide? which means the same amount of people who showed up to last Sunday's Galaxie soccer game voted. 33.3% of 14% of the voters of Los Angeles, or the same number of people who attended the opening of Star Wars at the Chinese Theatre, didn't manage to elect former Yippie radical Tom Hayden, and 1.4% of 14%, or my AA meeting, voted for either Candido J. Marez, Leonard Shapiro, or Craig A. Honts.

The Truth Is Out There 04.09.97

Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. Coincidentally, 39 devotees of a doomsday cult that believes a solar flare will disrupt the Earth's magnetic field just long enough to allow them to teleport to the mothership waiting on the Dark Side of the Moon smashed their balls with a hammer and ate cyanide-laced flan.

The Truth Is Out There 2 04.09.97

Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. People with cable TV will then be forced to wait a few hours to find out if Ellen is gay and Internet users will be stymied over if the twelve-year-old they are talking to is m or f and if they like to party. Scientists are now trying to devise a way to make it last more than a few hours.

The Truth Is Out There 3 04.09.97

Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. TV-oriented religious cults speculate that Ra, the Sun God, is irritated over the US government's decision to give billions of dollars worth of free channels to the nation's stations for Digital Broadcasting, annoyed at the V-Chip, and highly upset that not every cable channel carries WGN.

The Truth Is Out There 4 04.09.97

Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. Millions of people have killed themselves the world over, not because this is a sign of the coming apocalypse, but because they won't be able to watch TV.

The Truth Is Out There 5 04.09.97

As a result of a solar-storm striking the Earth's magnetic field, scientists are speculating that communications will be temporarily interupted. This is not really bad news as no one really needs to hear the screams of millions of Earthlings being burned to death, or the laughter of a certain 39 cultists riding the tail of a comet saying "I told you so" from space.

I’ll Have A McVeigh, A Side of Fries, And A Coke, And Could You Supersize That? 04.09.97

A letter written by Timothy McVeigh accused the FBI of burning young children alive at the Waco Branch Davidian compound. The FBI was incensed at the indictment, re-iterating that it wasn't them, it was the ATF.

Oh Canada 04.09.97

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, or as his name means in English, "Jack the Cretin" and President Clinton disagreed on the best way to encourage democracy in Cuba. They both agreed, however, that they look forward to the return of democracy to Cuba, living wages, fat cigars and live sex shows.

Your Money Working For You 04.09.97

Bill and Hillary Clinton hosted an 120 person dinner for Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien that included salmon cured in maple sugar, raspberry truffles, and maple leaf sugar cookies. Your tax dollars at work.

Elephantitis 04.09.97

Budget talks resume today as the White House and Congress continue negotiations after the President offered to cut Medicare by $100 billion over the next five years. Republican Party leaders were elated because now they've finally found a suitable candidate for the race in 2000, and he's got experience.

If The Glove Fits 04.10.97

Bob Dole has just joined the Washington law firm Verner, Liipfert, Bernhard, McPherson and Hand, one of the largest and most prestigous in the city. In honor of his appointment, the firm has changed its name to Verner, Liipfert, Bernhard, McPherson and Unusable Left Hand.

A Lot Of Fine Ladies In The House...And In The Senate 04.11.97

President Clinton opened a Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner with a ten minute monologue of bad jokes including a reference to CNN's latest slogan in honor of the President's fall, "Breaking news, breaking legs." Clinton further regaled the crowd with jokes like, "I said duck Paula" and "The thing about Chinese campaign contributors is that a half hour later, you want more money!"

Word Up, Old Man! 04.10.97

An 89-year-old man in Queens was held for a month by crack dealers who took over his home. Suspicions were finally aroused when the man replaced his usual Bridge partner with a 6 foot 5, tattoo-ridden, 19 year old Latino named Julio and he bid on his final trump in grams.

Environmental Terrorists 04.13.97

The Department of the Interior is opposing a Republican bill to waive conservation rules in all flood control projects. Republicans were disheartened that they would be unable to enact such flood relief programs as damming woodland areas with strip-malls, allowing hunters to kill indiscriminately in case they come upon a wild flood, and giving the wealthy a tax-break as a flood control incentive.

Tall Tales 04.13.97

Hilary Clinton claims that accusations of the White House paying hush money to former Justice Department official Webster Hubbell were as ridiculous as the Heaven's Gate cult's belief that a UFO was following the Hale-Bopp comet. She added that it is also as ridiculous as a cold war enemy making contributions to an American political party, a Southern governor strong-arming Highway Patrolmen to get him chicks, Vince Foster committing suicide, and Al Gore becoming President in 2000. This just in: a UFO was discovered following closely behind comet Hale-Bopp.

Riddup, Ole' Mate 04.13.97

Scientists in London, England, have used a giant magnetic field to make a frog levitate in mid-air. Though scientists claim this discovery will not help cure AIDS or cancer, show a levitating frog to an AIDS or cancer patient and they’ll laugh, and, hey, isn’t laughter the best medicine?

All In The Name of Science 04.14.97

Researchers in England claim they have located a brain abnormality that may be the cause of anorexia nervosa. However, scientists have postponed research indefinetly, as they are still having too much fun levitating frogs.

Guard, Give Me The President! 04.14.97

James MacDougal received three years in prison and three years probation for fraud and conspiracy. In addition, he was sentenced to one year of house arrest to be served concurrently with his three year probation. His estranged wife is serving a one year sentence for contempt of court. Vince Foster is dead. If James MacDougal winds up a "suicide", how many sentences total will actually be served?

Not So Funny Money 04.14.97

Police in Bay City, Michigan have traced a series of counterfeit $10 bills to a 15-year-old boy who manufactured the money on his computer. In his defense, the young man explained that his father told him to stop playing games and put the computer to use on something that would make him money. Authorities got suspicious when a flood of bills with the face of Beavis were being circulated around town.

All The World 04.14.97

Newt Gingrich said if Janet Reno does not appoint an independent counsel to investigate Democratic campaign fund-raising improprieties, Congress may investigate her role in the scandal. According to the breakdowns, The Scandal, a non-union feature, is seeking an actress to fill the role of Janet Reno: female, late 50's-early 60's, helmet-haired Aunt Bea/Sandra Day O'Connor-type who wears business suits and black jackboots. Copy, credit, meals provided. There is some pay.

Ol’ MacDougal Had A Friend 04.14.97

James MacDougal received three years in prison and three years probation for fraud and conspiracy. In a related story, Bill Clinton received four more years for fraud and conspiracy.

Steve Forbes, Where Are You? 04.14.97

Due to the high income earned by the President and First Lady this year, they will be paying $200 thousand in taxes. They would have paid less, but unfortunately they could not write off the Lincoln bedroom as an entertainment expense.

Sticks And Stones 04.14.97

In the midst of the furor over Janet Reno's lack of cooperation, House Speaker Newt Gingrich compared her to former jailed Watergate Attorney General John Mitchell. Evidently, he meant it as a compliment, having seen classified photos of Mitchell in a cocktail dress. Coincidentally, John Mitchell once compared Gingrich to former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill, which Gingrich took as a compliment, until he realized Mitchell simply meant that they were both fat.

Resign Reno 04.15.97

Responding to Janet Reno's decision not to set up an independent council to investigate the Democrat's fund-raising tactics, Dick Armey called for her resignation. Although Reno is unlikely to resign, she may be willing to set up an independent council to investigate the possibility of resigning.

Fifth Inning Stretch 04.15.97

After the fifth inning of today's Mets/Dodgers game, President Clinton praised Jackie Robinson who fifty years ago broke the color barrier. Joined by Robinson's widow, Chuck Yaeger and John Glenn, and as the Air Force's Blue Angels performed overhead, the President spoke highly of Robinson's courageous efforts in aeronautics, until he was informed that the color barrier and the sound barrier are two separate things, to which the president replied, "Whoops!".

The Million Man Apology 04.15.97

Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan plans to lead an interfaith, anti-racism rally in Philadelphia. He told "Meet the Press" on Sunday, "We should not act like little boys going to Jewish philanthropists and asking for money." The remark has elicited numerous angry responses not only from Jewish leaders, but also from African Americans for being characterized as "boys", Gentile philanthropists for being excluded and a spokesman for NAMBLA objected to the pharse "little boys" being used for such an obviously political purpose.

Kajagoogoo 04.16.97

In South Africa, Nelson Mandela is to meet with Zaire's Laurent Kabila, who is trying to oust President Mobutu. Kabila has announced his plans next to take the capital of Kinshasha. If Kabila takes Kinshasha before Kabila meets Mobutu, then a pow-wow with Mandela will be poo-pooed by the Bantus.

Burn, Baby, Burn, Disco Inferno 04.16.97

Twelve people were killed in an arson attack in the Portuguese disco named "My Fault." Owners of the club maintain that the fire was not their fault.

Everybody Chi Wang Tonight 04.16.97

House investigators mistakenly supoeaned the bank records of Chi Wang, a Georgetown University professor, when the man they wanted was Chi Ruan Wang, who lives in a Buddhist temple that Al Gore visited in California. Though they had the wrong Wang, they still discovered that he too made a $200 million dollar donation to the Democrats.

How Do You Sperr Lelief? 04.16.97

In an effort to aid famine-stricken North Korea, the U.S. will be sending the country $15 million in corn. The government of Seoul was thrilled, until they realized they had misinterpreted the letter, thinking they were getting $15 million in porn.

How Do You Sperr Lelief 2 04.16.97

In an effort to aid famine-stricken North Korea, the U.S. will be sending the country $15 million in corn. In addition, Canada will be sending $15 million dollars worth of lima beans. The Koreans plan to make $30 million in succotash to get into the Guiness Book of World Records and maybe on a few talk shows.

Linda Blair Could Not Be Reached For Comment 04.18.97

Two Korean Pentecostal ministers in Malibu were found guilty of involuntary manslaughter, but not murder, in the beating death of one of the minister's wives, claiming they were merely trying to exorcise a demon possessing the woman. Using this case and a recent case of drowning by baptism as precedent, the defense will next tackle a trial in North Carolina wherein parishioners took the body and blood of Christ a little too literally and ate their pastor.

Liverwurst Than Ever 04.21.97

Officials want James Earl Ray to undergo a liver transplant so he can live long enough for his re-trial in the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. If found guilty, they plan to rip the new liver out of his body and keep it on ice until Sirhan-Sirhan needs it.

Nice Display 04.21.97

Russia has ordered the highly successful Romanoff Jewels Tour, which is displaying over $100 million in valuables, back to Moscow. A high ranking official in Moscow claims the country does not feel comfortable showing off its family jewels.

Waters Parting 04.21.97

Congressional Black Caucus leader Maxine Waters has called for American blacks to reject African dictatorships and their US supporters. Protests immediately began against the Wayans Brothers, Death Row Records and Don King, until Waters clarified that what she meant was Zaire, Nigeria and Don King.

Ferguson On Board 04.21.97

President Clinton plans to name consultant Roger Ferguson to the Federal Reserve Board, assuming he passes background checks. The checks will include his ability to make high-powered financial decisions wearing non-pleated, charcoal-gray slacks, log in the amount of single women he can bore to death in one evening and efficiently decide the fate of the nation's economy by telling Dilbert jokes.

A Drink With Jam and Bread 04.21.97

Astronomers have spotted a third tail on the Hale-Bopp comet. The third tail is rumored to be either those members of the Heaven's Gate cult who decided to fly coach, Rio DeAngelis yelling "Hey guys, wait up!" or millions of particles of ice and hydrogen

Give Me Libertea 04.21.97

Over 1000 Indians stopped traffic on the New York thruway, protesting state sales tax policies. As it turns it, they were merely white tax protestors with several crates of tea who got lost on their way to Boston.

Blessed Are The Peacemakers 04.21.97

In the spirit of Christian brotherhood, hundreds of volunteers from as far as New England congregated at the former site of Rosemary Baptist Church in Barnswell, South Carolina to begin rebuilding the 144-year-old structure destroyed last year by arson. Hundreds of members of the Christian Brotherhood, from as far away as Idaho, bearing Molotov cocktails, 5 gallon drums of gasoline, and a truckload of Blue Tip matches, showed up to cheer them on.

Right Next To Mother’s Day 04.21.97

The Anti-Defamation League is supporting legislation designating April 30th as National Day to Erase Hate and Eliminate Racism. Greeting card companies are already gearing up with cards like My black son-in-law/ Blood is thicker than water/Today, I won’t kill you/ Because you married my daughter and Roses are Red/ Violets are Blue/ I won’t hate you this day/ Because You’re a Jew.

You Got To Kill Yourself To Get On A Comet These Days 04.21.97

Peruvian security forces wearing ski masks and fatigues charged the Japanese embassy to liberate the 72 hostages being held by the Tupac Amaru rebels. As they stormed the ambassador's residence, the soldiers were surprised to find Ikea bunkbeds, packed suitcases, 72 pairs of Nikes, an ice chest full of Jell-O Brand Pudding Pops and Mott's Applesauce, a medicine cabinet filled with empty pill bottles of Phenobarbital and a wet bar stocked only with Stoli, but no hostages. The Peruvian officials were stymied until they discovered the hostages' website, and realized they had already been "liberated." President Fujimori refuses to negotiate with interplanetary terrorists Do and Ti and plans to wait until Hale-Bopp returns before making a decision as to what to do.

Ro Sham Bo 04.21.97

Peruvian security forces wearing ski masks and fatigues charged the Japanese embassy and liberated 60 of the 72 hostages being held by the Tupac Amaru guerillas. Though authorities are not revealing how the 60 were chosen, one soldier was heard to comment that it was the most intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors he had ever seen.

We Bombed In Oklahoma 04.24.97

Opening statements began today in the trial of accused Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, with the prosecution claiming that McVeigh thought the blast would trigger a second American Revolution. Indeed, the bombing started the revolutionary process; however, things broke down when the Michigan Militia and the Aryan Brotherhood for a Racially Pure Idaho could not decide on the colors of the new flag, and army buddy Michael Fortier wanted the national bird to be a turkey. In McVeigh's defense, Terry Nichols said, "Tim was a real visionary. All I wanted to do was dump tea in the Oklahoma River." McVeigh himself was heard on many occasions to cite Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death...168 deaths, to be precise."

A Raw New Deal 04.24.97

Due to protest from handicapped Americans, President Clinton wants a new monument to FDR to now show the president in his wheelchair. This has kicked off legislation to show all American Presidents with their respective handicaps by refurbishing District of Columbia memorials. The Washington Monument will now be ravaged with syphilis, the Jefferson Memorial will be decorated with chronic debilitating diarrhea, the Lincoln Memorial will feature a gaping exit wound in the front of his skull, and Ronald Reagan will remain unchanged.

Better Late Than Never 04.25.97

Paleontologists have unearthed the bones of a prehistoric chicken-like creature in a cave in northern China which has been described as "the earliest bird in the world." They were equally surprised to discover the prehistoric skeleton of a worm right next to it.

Fargo 2 04.25.97

A worker cutting down trees in Virginia was dragged into a wood chipper and chopped to death while trying to remove a maple tree. Officials discovered that the man's name was Chuck, and are now asking forensics experts, "How much wood would Chuck be able to cut if a wood chipper hadn't chopped Chuck?"

His Father Would Not Be So Proud 04.25.97

Michael Kennedy, son of the late Robert F. Kennedy, is under investigation for having an affair with his 14-year-old baby-sitter. The District Attorney's office is shocked at the allegation that a Kennedy could be involved in a sex scandal. Kennedy was rumored to proposition the young girl on the bridge ride home by saying she should ask not what he could do for his baby-sitter, but rather, ask what his baby-sitter could do for him.

Moses Was Not Available For Comment 04.28.97

As famine takes over North Korea, peasants are being forced to delay burials of their loved ones, for fear of cannibalism. The Red Cross, responding to the crisis, have appealed to Americans to go to North Korea and volunteer to be eaten.

Remember Wackos 04.30.97

Talks between Sheriffs and the Republic of Texas militia has ended in a stalemate after self-appointed "Ambassador" Richard McLaren called off talks. McLaren will be meeting with the rest of his "Republic" in their dilapidated shack. The Secretary of the Old Buick Up On Blocks in The Front Yard, the Minister of Dogeared Copies of Soldier of Fortune, and the Undersecretary of the Hanging Corpses of Raccoons, Beavers and Groundhogs Being Stretched For Jerky In Preparation for Armeggedon will gather in the Oval Enclosed Backporch to discuss what to do in case of attack, or in case they run out of canned cling peaches in heavy syrup, whichever comes first.

A Thousand Pointilism of Light 04.30.97

Several key Senate Republicans have announced they will support the National Endowment for the Arts, in spite of efforts by conservative Republicans' to kill the program. Senators Jim Jefford and John Warner were among those won over with the upcoming photo exhibit, "Robert Mapplethorpe's Stockbroker With Bullwhip in Ass", the novel, "Naked Lunch, Yes! School Lunch, No!", and the musical,"My Welfare Lady", wherein Higgins teaches Eliza to pull herself up by her own bootstraps, get off the crack and stop having babies.

An Ignoble Prize 04.30.97

A Nobel Prize winning scientist was sentenced to 18 months in jail for sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. Coincidentally, this is what he won the Nobel Prize for.

An Ignoble Prize 2 04.30.97

A Nobel Prize winning scientist was sentenced to 18 months in jail for sexually abusing a 15 year old boy, one of 56 he brought back from the Pacific islands in an effort to, in his words, "educate them." Still dedicated to his work, the scientist looks forward to the education he will be receiving in prison.

Deluged With Generosity 04.30.97

An anonymous donor touched by the plight of the flooding in North Dakota, has issued $300 thousand worth of $2,000 US Savings Bonds to victims currently billeted in an Air Force hangar. The victims were grateful for the gesture and will look forward to living with each other in an Air Force hangar for the next eighteen years waiting for the bonds to mature.

Deluged With Generosity 2 04.30.97

An anonymous donor touched by the plight of the flooding in North Dakota, has issued $300 thousand worth of $2,000 to victims currently billeted in an Air Force hangar. The victims were grateful for the gesture and once the government takes out the taxes, will look forward to the much-needed $135.00.

An Olive Branch 04.30.97

A caravan of 200 government-subsidized mobile homes are currently en route to the flood drenched Red River valley with plans to arrive in Minnesota by the weekend, just in time to be destroyed by tornadoes.

Moo Poop 04.01.97

A report from the University of Nebraska confirms that cattle that eat a diet of balanced protein will have less-odorous gas, which will help reduce global warming. Representatives of the automotive industry plan to relax restrictive emissions controls, overjoyed that the cause of environmental decay is due to cow farting.

Dingleberries 04.03.97

Fruit packer Andrew & Williamson admits they purchased the tainted strawberries that caused the outbreak of Hepatitis A, from growers in Mexico. In their defense, representatives assumed that the fecal matter the berries were packed in was USDA approved.

William Paley Could Not Be Reached For Comment 04.04.97

The National Association of Broadcasters is meeting in Las Vegas this week to discuss the exciting possibilities in the field of mass media. Scheduled seminars are set to include Baywatch As A Global Teaching Tool,Tony Robbins and Ron Popeil: Madmen Or Messiahs? and How To Charge Monthly Rates To People Who Receive Transmissions Through Their Fillings And Metal Plates In Their Heads.

Give Your Motherboard A Call 04.04.97

Microsoft is now advertising its upgrade for Hebrew Windows `95 for Hebrew-based PCs. In addition to including such features as Norton My Son The Disc Doctor, and the Global Kibbutz Internet browser, the system also features an instructional program that engages the viewer in an endless nit-picking dialogue on all the functions. One note; it cannot be used from sundown Friday to Sundown Saturday, unless the subprogram GoLEM NT is employed.

Marrying Money 04.07.97

Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan married NBC chief foreign correspondent Andrea Mitchell this weekend in has been deemed Washington's wedding of the year. The glittering event was marred by the fact that stocks in canneries across the country plummeted when Greenspan passed on the salmon canapés, but shares in Colombian coffee soared when he had a second cup after cutting the cake.

Justice Is Blind And Has Emphysema 04.07.97

Jury selection begins in the lawsuit involving R.J. Reynolds tobacco and the family of a woman who died from lung cancer. Lawyers representing the company feel confident that their selections, four talking camels, four cowboys and four slim young women from Virginia will be completely impartial.

What Do You Want To Watch Today? 04.07.97

Microsoft is buying WebTV for $425 million, giving the software giant access to 58% of the populace who own televisions, but not computers. The merger, in addition to providing Internet access to virtually everyone, will effectively make the way we watch television obsolete. It will now be too confusing, complicated and expensive to watch TV and people will go back to having conversations. In a related story, Microsoft has announced a $425 million dollar purchase of speech.

Anglo-American Studies 04.07.97

The University of California at Berkeley will be hosting its first ever The Making and Unmaking of Whiteness, a three day seminar focusing on the White race as a color. Seminars are set to include, Egg Salad, Potato Salad, Macaroni Salad: Mayonnaise, the Vanishing Condiment, Importing Blacks From Africa For Fun & Profit, or Whoops!, The On Beat: Where To Clap, How To Clap, From Foot Clogging to Goose Stepping, Barbecue Aprons, Our Indigenous Clothing and Snow Skiing, the Last Great Frontier.

Fetch Fido...Fido? 04.07.97

A funeral home in New York is now the first in the city that provides citizens with full mortuary service for their pets, with prices ranging from $300 to $1500. For $1,500, pets will be placed in a silk-lined casket complete with Easy-Viewing Doggy Door; for $750, the casket is newspaper-lined and is stocked with plastic water dish and toys; and for $300, the pet gets either stuffed in a shoebox and buried in the back yard or flushed down the toilet.

I’m Twelve! 04.09.97

In a bloodless acquisition, Proctor & Gamble soaked up Tambrands, makers of Tampax. Insiders are calling it a padded takeover that will allow business to flow freely as usual. Initially the bid was hostile, but Proctor & Gamble said it was just that time of the month, period.

Que Cars 04.09.97

Chrysler will unveil $1 billion in investments in Detroit-area plants. These investments include plant renovation, hiring new personnel, and moving to Mexico.

Swishtar 04.09.97

Nike, Inc. agreed to change its new logo on athletic shoes after receiving complaints from American Islamic groups that the logo too closely resembled the Arabic word for "Allah". Nike also agreed to change the heel design, as it apparently looked somewhat like a mosque, phase out the waffle design on the sole, because when the light hits it, they claimed they could see the face of Salman Rushdie, and eliminate all shoelaces, as they can be formed accidentally into shapes resembling naughty Arabic phrases. The groups were also offended by the use of Michael Jordan's likeness because he too closely resembles God.

Jumping Out of Windows '97 04.09.97

In an effort to compete with Reuters and Bloomberg, Dow Jones has partnered with Microsoft to design a package of services that will bring financial data and electronic trading into new markets. The software, which functions as a virtual stock broker, will arbitrarily recommend stocks based on whim and numerology and will electronically pay other programs in your computer to take its broker's exam for it.

If The Suit Fits 04.09.97

A 75-year-old woman lost her suit against General Motors, claiming the company is responsible for an airbag (made for a larger person) breaking her jaw. Oddly enough, a boxer who got his jaw broken in a middleweight bout sued the Everlast glove company and won $100, 000. And 12-year-old Brucie Ryan in Grand Rapids Michigan sued a candy company for $50,000.00 when the Jaw Breaker he bit into, did not break his jaw.

Hog Butcher To The Netherworld 04.10.97

Charles Hayes, a former Chicago stockyard union official and meat packing lobbyist died today at the age of 79. Following the service, Hayes will be ceremoniously shoved through a meat grinder, packed into a sausage casing and served at the reception

Oysters On The Bomb Shell 04.10.97

The Oyster Creek Nuclear Generating Station, one of the country's oldest power plants, has become too costly to operate and therefore is to be sold. Possible new functions of the plant may include Ultra-fast Tanning Centers, Oppenheimer's Very Fast Food Microwave Restaurant and Gamma Rae's Weight Loss Center.

Happy Days Are Here Again 04.11.97

A former executive with Bennett Funding Group has been charged in a criminal suit for operating one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history. A Ponzi scheme involves a motorcycle jacket-clad investment advisor that comes to your home and moves into your attic. The scheme used the slogan "Need to Save Your Money? Sit on It!" and offers such incentives as "Whoooa, Mutual Funds" and the "Aaaaaaaaay! and B Stocks."

I Know Nuthink! 04.11.97

Swiss bankers have continued to receive hate mail amidst accusations that they acted in the interests of Nazis as they siphoned off Jewish assets. Banking officials still deny the allegations of complicity, saying, "We were just filling orders!"

Those Pasties Are Not Regulation 04.13.97

The strippers of the Lusty Lady strip club in San Francisco, the only unionized nude dancers in the country, have ratified their first union contract. Proceedings nearly ground to a halt as a threatened walk-out brought in a team of strikebreaking mud wrestlers. In addition to the 10% salary increase, the dancers can claim ping pong balls, bananas and fire poles as tax deductible.

Finger Lickin' Smokes 04.14.97

Philip Morris and three other tobacco companies claim that a Massachusetts law requiring them to disclose the contents of their cigarettes would cost them $44 billion, claiming they would be giving away "valuable trade-secrets." Regardless, manufacturers relented, and the Massachusetts state government was pleased with the disclosure of eleven herbs and spices, although one state representative was heard to say, "Hey, these cigarettes taste like chicken."

That Marinara's Benign 04.14.97

The American Cancer Institute claims that pasta and tomato sauce can prevent cancer. A group of laboratory rats fed a diet of pasta were less likely to get intestinal tumors. The news of the discovery delighted owners of small rat-infested Italian restaurants, who now can claim they are merely conducting cancer research. However, as a side effect, the rats tested were more likely to start talking with their hands, playing Bocci ball and demanding protection cheese from other rodents.

E3...You Sunk My Battleship! 04.15.97

Atlanta will host the E3 annucal interactive trade show on June 20, which provides software companies the chance to discuss the most pressing views facing the interactive industry. Seminars are to include How Can A Multi-Millionaire Get Chicks and Not Surrender His Pocket Protector, Getting Downloaded: Alcoholism and the Internet and a screening of the first on-line Existential play, Waiting for AOL.

Why Is This Price Different From All Other Prices? 04.15.97

Lawmakers in South Florida are investigating allegations of price-fixing on matzo at Passover time, with prices as high as $12.99 for a 5-pound box. Distributors and manufacturers are claiming that they are breaking no laws, however, further investigation has revealed price increases in Blood-Of-A-Lamb-In-A-Can, Stanley Kaplan's Acing The Four Questions Study Guide, and Elijah Welcoming Mats.

Four Out Of Five Pilots Recommend 04.16.97

A helicopter owned by the Colgate-Palmolive Company crashed in New York's east river shortly after take off. Officials report there was one death, three injuries and no cavities.

Four Out Of Five Java Coders Recommend 04.16.97

According to the American Medical Association, patients should only seek medical advice from doctors and not the Internet. Also according to the American Medical Association, their membership consists entirely of doctors and not webmasters.

The Unkindest Cut 04.18.97

The former CEO of Supercuts has been indicted for insider trading. David Lipson released confidential information that the company would be licensing feathered bangs, ten minute perms and their patented, non-English speaking cosmotologists who think that "a little off the top" means "Hey, the Butterwhip is coming back in vogue."

Farm on the Freeway 04.21.97

7,000 farmers converged in Luxembourg to protest a European Unions farm ministers' meeting wearing yellow balloons and caps and waving yellow flags. Though their pleas fell on deaf ears, the entire group was offered employment working for the Ministry of Highway Construction.

Lite Blight 04.21.97

The Environmental Protection Agency has fined Hasbro $120,000 and ordered them to retract claims that a line of their toys is bacteria-free. Although treated with Microban, an antibacterial agent that bonds with polymers, Hasbro is recalling the toys Barb-E.coli, Strep Boat, Infect Me Elmo, and the book, "Everybody Poops, But Some People Roll Around In It And Get Hepatitis.”

Mercedes Benz But Time Don’t 04.21.97

Swatch and Mercedes have teamed up to start manufacturing the Swatchmobile, a two-seater that comes with different colored body panels that allow drivers to change the shape and shade of the car. Consumers are complaining that they can't figure out how to stop the beeping every hour , on the hour, that the car is either five miles too fast or too slow, and that once the battery runs out, you have to throw the car away.

Smoke Gets In Your Lies 04.21.97

Executives from Philip Morris, RJ Reynolds, Brown & Williamson, and Lorillard Tobacco, all of whom have had smoking-related illnesses, gave depositions, under oath, that death cannot not be definitely linked to tobacco. According to one deposition, "Cigarettes don't kill people, smoking cigarettes kills people. It's that fine line and you've got to know how to toe it." He then hacked up a blob of black mucus and blood, and his private nurses wheeled him and his respirator out of the courtroom.

Allah Be Back 04.24.97

Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed Bin Talai has formed an alliance with Planet Hollywood Inc. to open 34 restaurants in 23 countries. The restaurants will only stock memorabilia from Lawrence of Arabia, The English Patient and Ishtar . The waitresses will wear short-shorts, t-shirts and veils and will have to walk at least 10 feet behind all male customers. Dishes will feature Camel Burgers, Yasser Arafat-Free Shakes and Sand Sandwiches.

Hospital Food 04.24.97

A hospital worker's union in Queens is protesting the decision to contract out the employee cafeteria to McDonald's, claiming that the food is fatty and filled with cholestoral. When they realized in retrospect that this would be good for business, they changed their ruling and also requested the hospital talk to fast food chains Beef and Brew, Franks n' Cream and Mr. Liver.

The Russia Syndrome 04.25.97

This weekend marks the 11th anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear accident and a huge celebration is being planned for the victims and their families. In addition to a microwave food festival and the Plutonium Rod and Radioactive Coolant Swap Meet, Gorby the Clown will be on hand to fold three-headed balloon animals for the kiddies.

Sex and the Single Hooker 04.25.97

Famous women's magazine Cosmopolitan has just announced it is launching a Philippines edition. Editor Helen Gurley Brown is thrilled that the first edition will feature Latest Fashions for Mail-Order Bridal Gowns, and in an effort to revive the male pin-ups no longer being used in America, the magazine will also feature Naked Government Assassin of the Month.

Meanwhile, Back at the Water Cooler 04.29.97

Subject to the approval of the bankruptcy courts and the respective boards, Marvel Entertainment Group will be sold to Toy Biz Inc. However, mild-mannered Ron Perelman, in his alter ego President of Revlon Man, has revealed a secret plan to save the Marvel Universe from the forces of insolvency. Aided by his trusty sidekicks Yes Man and Super Model, and armed with the Admantium Coffers and the Mighty Warhammer, Downsizer, entrusted him by the Elders of Shareholding and Overseen by the Secret Accounting Brotherhood of Price Waterhouse, he will fight for accountability, marketability, and profitability.

Mercedes Rules 04.29.97

Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. Rich old white men were ecstatic as now they finally have something to do with that one idle hand previously earmarked for steering.

Mercedes Rules 2 04.29.97

Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. Drivers were excited that they can now download and play 3D simulated driving games that approximate the thrill of actually driving while they're driving.

Mercedes Rules 3 04.29.97

Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. New Yorkers were thrilled at the prospect of replacing the time-consuming honk and birdie flipping with rude, electronic instant messages to other drivers, , , and .

Mercedes Rules 4 04.29.97

Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet, and provide all the amenities of a digital office in the comfort of your car. For middle management, Mercedes will be releasing a cheaper model that includes a water cooler, separate cubicles for driver and passengers, and access to AOL.

Where Do You Want To Go Today...Court? 04.29.97

Microsoft is being sued by Ticketmaster, for illegally using Ticketmaster's name and trademark on their new Seattle Sidewalk website. In an effort to avoid any legal entanglements, Microsoft has vowed to immediately change the name to either Ticketmeister, Ticketmaestro, or Ticketmister, or That Price-gouging, Ticket-scalping Monopoly.

Where Do You Want To Go Today...Court? 2 04.29.97

Microsoft is being sued by Ticketmaster, for illegally using Ticketmaster's name and trademark on their new Seattle Sidewalk website. Insiders speculate that Ticketmaster is suing a Seattle firm in retaliation for Pearl Jam's federal anti-trust suit of two years ago. Ticketmaster is rumored to be so angry they are also planning to sue Starbucks, salmon fishermen, and the heroin trade.

Reynold’s Rap 04.30.97

Lawyers for R.J. Reynolds company played the 1947 Tex Williams song "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette" as a means of proving that cigarettes have long been established as a health hazard and the companies should not be sued for wrongful death. This defense did not sway anyone, but as jurors were recessed for a smoking break, they were heard humming and whistling the catchy ditty.

Shift Like An Eagle 04.30.97

Chrysler has announced that it will install a free device in all their Jeep and Grand Cherokees that will insure that people do not accidentally step on the gas while shifting gears. They're calling it The Clutch.

Fight or Flight Response 04.30.97

The Airline Pilots Association has called a meeting to discuss the increasing incidents of disruptive and violent behavior amongst passengers. The Airline Disruptive and Violent Passengers Association had called a separate meeting to discuss the increasing incidents of airline pilots calling meetings, but the meeting was derailed because of violent and disruptive behavior.

Where Do You Want to Buy Today? 04.30.97

In an address to 2,500 executives in Chicago, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates told his audience that he expected long term profit margins to decline for his company. To counteract this trend, Gates has announced Microsoft's plan to print their own currency.

Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97

Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.

It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97

Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.

Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97

Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.

Good Vibrations 04.03.97

Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."

The Merry Cancers 04.04.97

Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."

One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97

Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined, as she prefers kaiser blade.

Kaddish 04.07.97

Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.

The More Things Change 04.08.97

Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.

What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97

After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.

Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97

This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.

Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97

The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.

Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97

The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time, I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked...".

Superunknown 04.09.97

Seattle-based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.

The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97

Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After repeatedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.

Dustin The Wind 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the Fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".

Dustin The Wind 2 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral Sleazy Money-grubbing Shyster."

L is for... 04.09.97

In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"

A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97

The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.

The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97

Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Florida. have canceled the sixteen-year-old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author Days Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.

It's A Bird! 04.10.97

Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.

Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97

A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the modelmaker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.

Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97

The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: The Music and The Phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.

Stealing Liv 04.13.97

Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went online for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.

The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97

British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.

Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97

Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.

Mission Impossible 04.15.97

A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.

They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97

Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for sushi?"

Modern Times 04.15.97

Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center and the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17-Year-Old and Younger Singles Bar.

Man of Steel 04.16.97

Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.

On With The Body Count 04.16.97

Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be a gang$ta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.

Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97

The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."

Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97

ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."

Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97

In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."

There Are More Records Of 04.15.97

The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free and then be sold to other states.

Art Imitating Life 04.15.97

After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.

Another False Move 04.16.97

Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.

The Main Event 04.17.97

West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.

The Main Event 2 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.

The Main Event 3 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."

Just Ducky 04.17.97

Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."

Typecasting 101 04.17.97

"Kissed", the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor, has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.

Croatan 04.18.97

Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.

In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97

A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.

Brainsmashing 04.18.97

Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.

Gill-ty 04.18.97

Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years, Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.

The Beautiful People 04.18.97

Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.

I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97

The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.

The Unreal World 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.

The Unreal World 2 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.

Kojak City 4.18.97

Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.

Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97

The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.

Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97

Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.

Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97

Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.

You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97

Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".

Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97

The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.

Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97

A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."

Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97

Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?

Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97

Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.

Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97

Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."

Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97

Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?

In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.

The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.

Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.

Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack had a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.

And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.

Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97

Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currently shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.

Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97

Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead, placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.

The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97

Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.

We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97

The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.

Opener? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.01.97

Take Me Out To The Ballgame, baby. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd. Hotdogs, Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, some fat guy without a shirt spilling beer down your back as he stands up to yell obscenities at the guy in left field. John 3:16. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know it. Opening day. Millions of baseball fans invade the stadium of their choice so they can freeze their cajones off for three hours watching a game that doesn't matter. Play ball.

Basketball Is My Favorite Sport. I Like The Way They Dribble Up And Down The Court 04.01.97

NCASquared National Championships. It's the Wildcats for two years in a row, but this time it's AZ in OT, 84-79, baby, sending the defending Wildcats of Kentucky back to the Bluegrass State and Coach Rick Pitino back to the pasta factory. Look, I don't mean to impugne anyone's extracurricular activities, but maybe, Coach, you should concentrating on forcing turnovers, instead of baking them.

Staying Centered 04.01.97

Chicago Bull's backup center Bill Wennington is sidelined for the rest of the season with a torn plantar fascia tendon. In an effort to stay in shape for the playoffs, Wennington will have a bench installed in his home where he will practice waving a towel, drinking Gatorade, and saying "huh?" everytime the coach calls his name.

Play Ball, Already! 04.02.97

Two weeks into spring and the boys of summer have been canceled for winter. The Orioles postponed their opener because of "high winds and dropping temperatures", although it may have been because of that little known meterological disturbance "injured pitcher." Elsewhere: The White Sox. Albert Belle doubled a run home before hitting a homer in the eighth. Belle celebrated his first game with a new club by not getting fined.

Unreboundabull 04.02.97

In an effort to shore up its depleted front line, the Chicago Bulls are expected to sign free agent center Brian Williams to a ten-day contract. Someone might want to remind Chicago that along with two wrongs not making a right, four busted-up seven-footers do not a center make. New rule: Two knee-caps per center, minimum.

The Long Arm Of The Law Is Too Short To Box With God 04.02.97

In this corner, Donovan "Razor" Ruddock. Arrested for stealing a 2-carat diamond ring. His challenger, fiancee Alexandria Williams. Ruddock will be charged with robbery and will have to go before three judges in a four round bout. He'll likely lose points for low blows and stealing a $20 dollar ring. "The Roundhouse In The Bighouse" will be available on PPV. Let's get ready to Riooot!!!!

The McCall of The Wild 04.02.97

Time to take the kid gloves off and put the straitjacket on. Heavyweight Oliver McCall out of square circle and into a padded room. The bruiser has been deemed an imminent danger to himself and others. Unless you're in the ring, of course, when you're only in danger, if you're allergic to tears.

Raiders of the Lost Tarkanian 04.03.97

College hoops, there it is. Fresno State. Allegations of point-shaving, gambling, and just not being very good. Can it get any worse? It just did. Forty-two tickets were given to a bookie by Jose Elgorriaga Jr., Coach Jerry Tarkanian's personal business manager, which begs the question, who's sinking three-pointers from the grassy knoll?

Calvinist Preachings 04.03.97

Grant Hill's old man, Calvin. Back with the Dallas Cowboys, consulting the beleaguered club on recent off-the-field problems. And who better to advise drug-addicted rapists than a former dope-abuser accused of rape?

The Main Event 04.03.97

Boxing. The rematch. Round Two. In this corner: Don King, weighing in at 240 plus hair. The challenger: Lloyd's of London. The referee: Judge Lawrence McKenna. The venue: New York's US District Court. The purse: $2.2 million in fines, 45 years in prison. Will the King retain his crown, or will he be found guilty of bilking $350,000 in bogus insurance claims? "The Roundhouse in the Courthouse" live on PPV.

The Not-So-Magic Bus 04.04.97

Thirty-one points for guard Darrick Martin and a victory for his Clippers in the Orlando Magic's own house? I don't think so. Neither did the Magic's Darrell Armstrong who hammered Martin with 3.8 on the clock to make his point, "They had the game won. They were (just) trying to run up the score...to get 30 points." In the future, teams handing the 40-33 Magic a defeat should first give a written apology. In a related story, take off your diaper Darrell, it's called basketball, baby.

Number One-Ten With A Bullet 04.04.97

Sports shocker. The Bullets beat the Bulls 110-102, their first over the Bulls since a 1995 shocker. This despite Magic Mike pouring in 34, and 26 from a Pip of a man. Maybe the disappearing three-second rule had something to do with it, as George Muresan managed to set up permanent camp, building his own condo in the paint and catching laughably bad passes and turning them into highlight clips. Playoffs, first round. It's called payback, bitch.

Meadowlark Losers 04.04.97

The injury-plagued Washington Capitals, fighting for their playoff life, were pummeled by the Ottawa Senators, four-goals-to-none. Capitals? Senators? I thought those were the teams the Globetrotters usually play. If either of these non-teams does make the playoffs, take my advice: Dump a bucket of confetti on the goalie and pull down the refs pants, it's your only hope. It's called futility, suckers.

Say The Magic Word: Losers 04.07.97

The Chicago Bulls defeated the Orlando Magic 110-94 with Michael Jordan pouring in a team high 37 points at the Orena. Heir to the air, Anfernee "Man, I Miss Shaq" Hardaway managed 23 points, one rebound and one technical foul. I believe the "technical" name for the foul is "whiny punk doesn't like the refs." Also with 23 for the Magic: Ronnie "It's True What They Say About White Guys" Seikaly, providing such highlight reel classics as driving the lane and then bouncing it off of your own foot and out of bounds. Grab the powdered sugar folks, we've got turnovers for everyone.

Situation Normal, All Fitched Up 04.08.97

The rumor mill is running full steam in the Clippers' house. Former Clipper coach Larry Brown is thought to be on his way back to replace Bill Fitch. Just how bad do you have to be that fans and management long for the glory days when your team went 41 and 41? Instead of concentrating on musical coaches, maybe they should be concentrating on better musical arrangements for their organist, huh?

MGM Grand Mal 04.08.97

Junior-lightweight Bernard Harris of Detroit was knocked out in the eighth round by Carlos Hernandez and suffered a seizure. The fight ended quicker than usual as the referee was only able to do an eight count because he was using his other two fingers to keep Harris from swallowing his tongue.

No Joy In Mudville 04.09.97

The Chicago Cubs have only played seven games so far this season, and, surprisingly enough, they've already lost seven games this season. Mathematically, their 0-7 record automatically puts the Cubbies out of playoffs that won't be decided for another five months. Good news, Cubs fans, because the most dangerous thing you could ever have is hope. Of course, even if they go 0-10 and then win one, you'll hear some fan say, "I don't know..."

Seven Habits of Highly Effective Golfers 04.09.97

Golfer Greg Norman has awakened the giant within in preparation for the Masters Tournament by visiting guru Anthony "Tony" Robbins, the eight foot, nine inch purveyor of pop psychology. In the Robbin's vernacular, Norman is learning how "to just be." Just be the guy who blew the biggest lead in Masters history. Just be the guy whose only chance to get a green blazer is to buy one at Sears. Just be the guy whose biggest victory was breaking the President's knee. Greg, instead of a copy of "Personal Power II", you might want to save yourself a few bucks and pick up a copy of Dorf on Golf.

Aluminium Mike 04.09.97

The re-match of the century. "The Real Deal" versus "Iron Mike." Finesse boxing versus brute force. Postponed. Again. Apparently "Iron Mike" has a boo-boo over his eye and can't fight until it goes bye-bye. Can someone maybe give Mike some stitches in his confidence? Am I the only one who thinks this whole postponement is just because "Iron Mike" isn't looking forward to being smelted again. Hey, Don King! Give him a little kiss to make it all better and let's get this thing started. We're tired of waiting.

The Bulls Won? What A Surprise! 04.09.97

Hey, Indiana Pacers fans, what time is it? Miller Time? No, actually, it's Trap-running Time as the Indiana Pacers lost to the Bulls and fell farther and farther out of the playoff race. A frustrated Miller complained to officials about a couple fouls called against him and was T'd up. Apparently, Miller felt that playing slap jacks with Jordan as he tries to take a shot should not be called a foul. You might want to check the rule book, Reggie. Whiney pretenders to the thrown are not exempt.

Aaaaaaargh, Matey! 04.09.97

In an effort to improve their team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have gunned mascot Bucco Bruce. For years people thought it was bad passing, but that wasn't it. No, it really was a bad mascot in Bucco Bruce. Some thought it might have been excessive turnovers, but no, it was all the mascot's fault. Thank God you finally got to the root of the problem because we all know what a bad player Bucco Bruce was. If this doesn't work, try firing the cheerleaders who clearly have been way to soft on defense. That groundskeeper of yours couldn't kick a field goal to save his life, he's obviously got to go. Nice thinking. Check your helmets, boys, I don't think they're working.

Stupid Cubs Tricks 4.12.97

And now, from the home office in Chicago Illinois, the top ten reasons the Cubs should quit playing baseball now. Number 10....Game one. Number 9....Game Two. Number 8....Game three. Number 7....Okay, you get the idea. The Chicago Cubs have now dropped ten in a row, a number which coincidentally coincides with how many games they have played. Hey Cubs, those sticks you have are designed to smack the little white spheres, and those gloves are not for warmth, they're for catching. It's called baseball.

Out of The Woods 04.12.97

Two days before the April 15 anniversary of Jackie Robinson Jr. breaking the color barrier, Tiger Woods broke another barrier by being the first African American to win the Masters. Congratulations Tiger. Tiger Woods is also the first African American at the Masters to wear a green jacket, instead of the traditional white with accompanying apron.

Tiger Woods has just won the Masters. But he didn't just win the Masters, he set a course record, finishing 69-270 and breaking the 1965 record set by Jack Nicklaus. But he didn't just set a record, he did it as the youngest victor in Masters history. But he's not just the youngest, he is also the blackest. He is also the most interesting, gracious, fun, freewheeling spirited champ the Masters have ever seen. And after all of this, he still looks stupid wearing a green jacket.

Hi, My Name Is Shawn And I’m... 04.12.97

Houston 113, Seattle 73. In an important meeting between two of the Western conference powers, Seattle and Houston, Supersonic's star Shawn Kemp managed to pour in a total of six points. As a reminder for those of you who may have forgotten, each basket counts for two points. Not content with his 1996 rise from inconsistent hot-shot to playoff leader, Shawn has decided that 1997 will be the year he becomes consistently inconsistent pain in the ass. Kemp is unhappy with his contract and apparently thinks that late night drinking binges and missing team meetings is the best way to prove his worth. Although you are only allowed two steps in the lane, I believe we should mandate a few more for Shawn, specifically twelve. The first is to admit you have a problem.

Undraftabull 04.15.97

And now, the starting lineup for your world-champion Chicago Bulls. At guard, from North Carolina...Michael Jordan. At forward, from the Quad City Thunder, Matt Steigenga. Apparently the Bulls are now giving out ten-day contracts as a prize on radio stations. If the green M&M wins the race at the end of the third period, you can be the new assistant coach. The Bulls, who are found of making statements going into the playoffs, seem to be making another statement. It doesn't matter what broke-down CBA reject we have, we're still kicking everyone's ass.

Nevermind 04.15.97

Allen Iverson of the 76ers managed to set a new record this week as the only rookie to score forty or more points in four consecutive games. Nevermind the fact that the 76ers lost those games. He was also given the honor of being only the second rookie ever named player of the week. Nevermind the fact that the other rookie was Arvydas Sabonis. With this accomplishment, Iverson beats the previous record set by Wilt Chamberlain of three in his rookie year. Iverson's immediate plans do not include beating Chamberlain's boning record, but he does plan to become an old man who won't shut-up. Nevermind the fact that Chamberlain was in Conan the Destroyer.

Just Clipped It 04.15.97

After a four year wait that included a lot of "Did you hear the one about the sucky Clippers?" jokes, the team that Bill Fitch built will finally be journeying to the playoffs. With a 99-93 victory over the Dallas "Did You Hear the one about the Sucky" Mavericks, The Clippers finally clinched the final playoff spot in the west. Of course, this only sets up an even funnier joke as they must face number one Utah in the first round. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Game four. Game four who? Exactly, game four who. Get ready for a sweep.

Luckiest Losers 04.16.97

The universe visited Chicago this week and decided to return some balance to the home of the 72 win Bulls and gave them a winless Chicago Cubs. How else do you explain a team whose whole is less then the sum of her parts, and whose only star, Ryan Sandberg, gets injured while sitting in the dugout. It's time for the windy city boys to head to Hollywood and get themselves a ball-playing orangutan, or magical ghosts, because it ain't happening any other way. Message to the Sun-Times and the Tribune. After the NBA playoffs, please shut down the sports section for the summer, it's the only humane thing to do.

Spit Shine 04.16.97

Remember the Alomar? Roberto returned to the Orioles lineup after serving his five-game suspension for expectorating in the face of umpire John Hirschbeck. The suspension at the beginning of the season, otherwise known as a vacation, was given in lieu of disrupting the Orioles post-season playoff run. All in all, having to play on the Orioles during the playoffs was probably punishment enough.

Not Enough Cookes Spoil The Game 04.16.97

Jack Kent Cooke, owner of the Washington Redskins and man behind the championship L.A. Lakers, is dead at the age of 84. Also dead with the passing of Cooke: Intelligent drafting, integrity, and real grass.

Two Is The Loneliest Number 04.16.97

Dallas Mavericks guard Derek Harper scored two points in the third quarter in a game versus the Lakers bringing the point total for the Mavs in that quarter to...two!!! No, not two baskets, two points and those had to come at the free-throw line. Ultimately, the Mavs would go on to lose by a whopping seven. No, not seven baskets, seven points. I guess bringing in the three-point line and opening the lanes is really paying off. The last time I saw a game this bad was on MTV's Rock & Jock Basketball. In fact, I understand the Mavs are now negotiating with "Lois and Clark's" Dean Cain. The word is fundamentals...Learn it.

We Still Love `Em! 04.17.96

The Chicago Cubs have tied the Chicago Bulls for losses and need only 69 more to tie them for wins. This is not just a coincidence, because the truth is the Cubs have a better shot at winning the NBA crown than they do ever making it to a World Series. It's not all bad news, however, as parking near Wrigley Field is great.

A Record Year? 04.17.96

After losing to the Miami Heat 102-92, the Chicago Bulls have only one more chance to reach the 70 win mark and that will have to be versus a charging New York Knicks. Of course, what could be more enjoyable than watching Michael Jordan give New York another thing to tell their analysts after the game as every Rorschach sheet seems to bear the resemblance of a certain bald warrior coming out of the sky to crush six years of playoff hopes. Calm down, Patrick, the voices aren't real.

A Breed Apart 04.16.97

North Carolina forward and All-American Antawn Jamison is ignoring the call of the NBA and plans to stay and graduate with his class. Without scoring one point, this young man has proven himself a bigger star then all the Mashburns and O'Neils combined. Jamison will be moving from his dorm to a government park. He is an endangered species.

Bullets Over Chicago? 04.18.97

Only one NBA playoff spot remains, and it's between the Bullets and the Cavaliers for the last spot in the East. Or to put it another way, one of these teams gets to lose to the Chicago Bulls in the first round. Or to put it another way, we are still trying to see if God will do for one of these teams what he did for Abraham and send a lamb instead.

Soccer? I Hardly Knew Her? 04.18.97

Following in the footsteps of Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson, golf star Laura Davies will become a two sport athlete as she joins the U.S. Indoor Soccer League. I guess Davies was getting tired of the excitement and glamour of the golf tour and is looking for something with even less mass appeal. I'm not sure, Davies, but you could probably make your way onto a National Ping Pong Team if you want, and I understand that Princess Cruises is sponsoring a new shuffle board league. Nike has reportedly offered her a great shoe deal: a million dollars if she wears Reeboks.

We Don’t Need No Education 04.18.97

Villanova University star forward Tim Thomas is now the 16th underclassman who will skip the rest of his college career and enter the NBA draft. What's that you say? You don't understand why the shooting percentage and scoring is down? Wow, that's weird, guys are skipping the training that makes them good and they end up being narrowly-skilled showboats. "You know I'd like to finish medical school, but there's more money to be made in the hospitals, I think I'll just start operating now. " And Lord knows what we need is jocks who are actually dumber than they used to be. Here's a hint, Tim: Isiah Thomas broke a tendon and he's now running his own business. You'll be lucky if you figure out how to shake hands at a casino. It's called the future, prepare for it!

Hey, Cubs Fans! 04.21.97

I guess the Cubs can't lose them all, try as they might. After thirteen games of giving new meaning to being the "Lucky Losers", the Cubs lost the opener against the Mets 8-2 before destroying their perfect record by winning the second game of the doubleheader, 4-3. Of course, it would be asking too much for the Cubs to win against the Mets when it matters, let's just say, 1969, for instance. But, hey, you can't win them all, and if you're the Cubs, you can't even win them most, so let the Cubbies wear their 1-14 record with pride, and I don't know about you, but did you see the way they played Sunday...this could be the year...

Unwinnabull 04.21.97

The NBA playoffs tip off Friday and the biggest questioned posed in the East is how quickly will the Bullets lose to the Bulls, how quickly will Detroit upset Atlanta, how quickly will New York trounce Charlotte, and hey, how did Orlando get in there? The biggest question facing the West is why don't the rest of the teams just give up now and let the Jazz have it. It will save everyboody a lot of time, money and energy spent, just to watch Utah lose to the Bulls in the finals. As a matter of fact, why even have playoffs at all? Bulls in four. Bulls in four. Bulls in four. The Bulls win! Twenty-eight-peat! Turn over a cab! I got it!

One For The Mantle 04.22.97

A New Zealand skindiver speared a 295 pound Marlin and was towed three miles out to sea during a fishing contest. Ironically enough, the Marlin was entered in a Human Dragging Contest being sponsored by Sea Creatures Against New Zealanders. The Marlin won first prize.

Mirer Genuine Draft 04.22.97

The teams that don't need the help made smart picks, or at least set themselves up for a nice trading situation, while the franchises that suck eggs mostly made really dumb choices and can expect more of the same middling seasons they had last year. That's right, it's time for the annual migration of no-necked, no-talent fat guys fleeing in droves to Canada. Also known as the NFL Draft, where no-necked, quasi-talented fat guys get paid low wages to get the snot knocked out of them for 16 weeks plus playoffs. Once again, there were no surprises, except maybe the Bucs tapping a good draft. Certainly the Bears were not surprising in the least. Not even mildly unexpected. The Bears traded their Number One to Seattle for quarterback Rick Mirer, picked up tight end lame-o John Allred and, believe it or not, talented running back Darnell Autry. But a few years back they picked up talented running back Rashaan Salaam and see how far that got them.

I Love This Game! 04.22.97

As the Finals approach, the press corps gets more and more excited about handing out meaningless awards to players who would've preferred wearing a World Championship ring and kissing the trophy to being "appreciated" by a bunch of alcoholic sportswriters with ill-fitting clothing. And we're no different, except we're not wearing any clothes. My pick for MVP, his Airness Michael Jordan. While Karl "the Mailman" Malone may have had a better season, who's Karl Malone? Rookie of the Year. Three-way tie: Stephon Marbury, whose performance got the T'Wolves into the playoffs, Allen Iverson whose 2000 points a game got the 76'ers absolutely nowhere and Shareef Abdur-Rahim, who's got the coolest name in the league. Scariest Carnival Side-Show Freak With An NBA Contract: While Goerge Muresan is the odds-on favorite, expect dark horse Dennis Rodman to pull up strong in the fourth quarter. Most Overpaid Jackass Who Spends More Time Endorsing Products, Fielding Film Offers, and Making Personal Appearances Than Playing Basketball: Shaq, hands down. But watch for a strong second from Rodman. And finally, Coach of the Year: Bill Fitch, who actually took the Clippers to the playoffs and is likely to get replaced by the idiots in the front office anyway. I love this game!

Squid Pro Quo 04.23.97

Detroit Red Wing's fans have been given a warning: No more octopi on the ice. Traditionally, each time a Red Wing player scores during the playoffs, happy fans would hurl an octopus corpse on the ice. Man, they don't make traditions like they used to. This kind of puts the whole tomahawk chop controversy in perspective. Yeah, maybe it was racist, but at least nobody ever threw a dead Navajo on the field. But I guess you can't try to reason with fan loyalty. This year we should just combine traditions. When someone wins the Stanley Cup or the NBA playoffs, fans should just take to the streets and riot while wearing loin-clothes and warpaint, turning over cars and throwing dead animals at cops.

Remember the Alomar! 04.23.97

Orioles second baseman and embarrassment to his family Roberto Alomar went out of his way to give umpire John Hirschbeck a reconciliatory handshake in their first meeting on the playing field since last season's loogie incident. Alomar went on to score the first run in a 3-2 victory against the White Sox, ending the game with one hit in three at bats, and a walk. But the only walk that seemed to matter to anyone was Roberto's heroes' journey into right field to say "I'm sorry" to human cuspidor Hirschbeck. I guess a token gesture and an empty apology goes a long way these days. It seems everyone forgot that talking smack about someone's family and hocking a goober in someone's face isn't sportsmanlike conduct, especially the commission who let Alomar play out last season and gave him a five-game suspension at the beginning of this season. You can't even call that a slap on the wrist. It's more like a manicure. The great American pasttime. Sigh.

Get Out Your Broom, It’s Time For A Sweep 04.24.97

Despite injuries to everyone on the team including Benny the Bull, the Lovabulls, and general manager Jerry Krause and despite losing their leading rebounder for half the season for headbutting, groin-kicking, MTV talk show hosting, doubleteaming suspensions, da Bulls managed to eek out a 69-win season and the best record in the league. But as the playoffs tip off, there are still heretics who say they can't go all the way and that a divine miracle will somehow elevate the Miami Heat to world champion status. Hold on tight to your dreams, sure, but how about getting real! Granted the Bullets are an average team who were just lucky enough to make the playoffs because Chris Webber decided mid- season he was tired of hearing snickers everytime someone mentioned the Fab Five, but beat the Bulls? I don't think so. Atlanta? The Pistons? Charlotte? The Knicks? Gimme a break. And something's wrong with the world when Orlando and their amazing 45-37 record gets them into the playoffs. And the saddest thing of all is that the Jazz and their 64-18 Cinderella season will take it all in the West only to face the Bulls in the Finals, and Karl Malone, turning 100 tomorrow, will never win a Championship. The only way Karl Malone will ever get to wear a championship ring is if, as a pre-emptive strike, the entire Utah Jazz gets signed to a ten-game contract with the Bulls.

Oh, Baby, Oo-oo-oo 04.25.97

This weekend will prove to be a pivotal juncture in the history of professional basketball. For the first time ever, the playoffs will matter not one iota. Not even a little bit. Save your wagers for the Foreman fight, or the NHL, or the office baby pool, baby, because there ain't no money to be had on hoops. We've read the handwriting on the backboard all year: scoring's down, stadiums are empty, and Chris Webber is good. I think it was Einstein who said playoffs over 1997 equals lame. Boring. Snoresville. Maybe commissioner David Stern ought to come out, because otherwise April 30th, no one's gonna watch the Bullets lose to the Bulls, the Clippers go home weeping, or the Lakers and the Trailblazers lullaby each other to sleep. The whole world's gonna tune into Ellen and wish she could take it to the hole in another way. I do hear, though, that she's got a great outside shot.

My Arms Are Too Old To Box With God 04.28.97

The 210-year-old, 4000-pound former heavyweight champ George Foreman ran out of money once again, came out of retirement, and stepped back into square circle to be totally unimpressive against the equally unimpressive Lou Savarese. George won a split decision, with two judges awarding the fight to Foreman, and the third apparently falling asleep, wishing for a knock out, a knock down, or, at least, something resembling a boxing match and not the heavyweight dance-a-thon to benefit Foreman's mortgage payments. Believe it or not, this bout improved Foreman's record to 76-4, with 60 knockouts, and proved, once and for all, that no matter how many people are splitting a $39.95 pay-per-view charge, it's still never a good deal.

The Remains of the Game 04.30.97

To the befuddlement of all, the Mighty Ducks managed to quack out a win to advance them to the second round of the playoffs where they will face the Phoenix Coyotes. Fans should also watch for the Bad News Bears to be a contender for the World Series, the Little Giants to win the AFC East, and a go-cart to place in the Indy 500. What's the world coming to when Emilio Estevez can coach a hockey team to the playoffs where they'll face opponents armed with equipment made by the Acme Manufacturing Company of Walla Walla, Washington? I don't know. I just suggest we all rent "Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown" and skip the America's Cup this year.

And The Winner? Is 05.02.97

Suprise! Surprise! Surprise! The 76'ers Allen Iverson won the coveted Rookie-of-the-Year award joining the ranks of past recipients like Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal, and Juwan Howard. This, of course, means that Iverson will get a nice trophy to put in his closet next to the 8th grade spelling bee honorary mention ribbon and the dried boutenneire from his prom. It also means that if Allen is anything like his predecessors he'll be great his entire career, he'll be a billion dollar disappointment who chokes from the free throw line, or he'll be middling in, like, eight years, taking a crappy team to the playoffs to lose to the Bulls in three. In a related story, Karl Malone is likely to receive the MVP, which I guess this year is a lifetime achievement award. Malone getting MVP this year is kind of like Clint Eastwood finally getting an Oscar, but not for Unforgiven, for Bronco Billy.