Friday, January 12, 2007
Smooth Wooden Ball Interview with Kathy Griffin
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News, with Kathy Griffin. Welcome to the show Kathy.
KG: Thank you Smooth Wooden Ball for having me.
SWB: Sure thing. Something a little different here. We've got Kathy's headshot on the screen instead of her computer image because she didn't have any make up or hair people here.
KG: My team wasn't informed so, I wasn't able to get my hair weave, my tapes in my head. You know they can put tape on your head now to give you a face-lift with scotch tape and rubberbands.
SWB: Well, now with that out of the way, I wanted to ask you why the red hair?
KG: Smooth Wooden Ball, red is funny; I am funny. I should be red.
SWB: Do you ever have Brooke over to the house and do each other's hair?
KG: Brooke came over to the house about a week ago. And like usual, we just got into another bitter catfight. We tried to resolve it, but it was about who is prettier. And I'm sticking to my guns and going with me.
SWB: How would the "Blue Lagoon" have been different if you had been in the starring role?
KG: Probably would have been hotter, a little sexier.
SWB: It probably wouldn't have been the PG rating.
KG: It would have been closer to my earlier porn work.
SWB: Okay. I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my place here. Here, here's something that I was thinking about. You know, there are so many things on cable television. Is there any way to keep track of what's on and what's going to be on in the future? I mean, how does somebody do that?
KG: You mean like, I don't know, the cable guide?
SWB: Yeah, what's....
KG: The cable guide is a very important periodical. It guides you through cable.
SWB: Oh, I see.
KG: Yeah. So, you look it up. If you want to know what's on cable, you get a guide, and then it tells you what to watch and when. And how to feel about it. I understand that their sales have gone through the roof in the past few months.
SWB: I don't know what that's.......
KG: Subscriptions.
SWB: But the cable guide has nothing to do with how to hook up the cable.
KG: No. That's for the cable man.
SWB: Oh, the cable man guide.
SWB: What do you think your first starring role in a made for TV movie will be?
KG: I think that I'll be a raging bulimic who is married to a man who doesn't know. Then when he finds out he'll leave me, and I'll join a women's consciousness raising group. I'll get over my bulimia and help teens.
SWB: Who would be your male interest in that?
KG: Matty Lawrence.
SWB: Is that one of the Lawrence brothers?
KG: Uh-huh
SWB: Which one?
KG: I think the cuter one.
SWB: Who's about eleven?
KG: I think so.
SWB: That's a little bit illegal.
KG: Well, if that's how you want to think about it. You know, in Denmark they don't think about those things.
SWB: Well, Kathy, thanks for being on the show.
KG: Thanks, Smooth.
KG: Thank you Smooth Wooden Ball for having me.
SWB: Sure thing. Something a little different here. We've got Kathy's headshot on the screen instead of her computer image because she didn't have any make up or hair people here.
KG: My team wasn't informed so, I wasn't able to get my hair weave, my tapes in my head. You know they can put tape on your head now to give you a face-lift with scotch tape and rubberbands.
SWB: Well, now with that out of the way, I wanted to ask you why the red hair?
KG: Smooth Wooden Ball, red is funny; I am funny. I should be red.
SWB: Do you ever have Brooke over to the house and do each other's hair?
KG: Brooke came over to the house about a week ago. And like usual, we just got into another bitter catfight. We tried to resolve it, but it was about who is prettier. And I'm sticking to my guns and going with me.
SWB: How would the "Blue Lagoon" have been different if you had been in the starring role?
KG: Probably would have been hotter, a little sexier.
SWB: It probably wouldn't have been the PG rating.
KG: It would have been closer to my earlier porn work.
SWB: Okay. I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my place here. Here, here's something that I was thinking about. You know, there are so many things on cable television. Is there any way to keep track of what's on and what's going to be on in the future? I mean, how does somebody do that?
KG: You mean like, I don't know, the cable guide?
SWB: Yeah, what's....
KG: The cable guide is a very important periodical. It guides you through cable.
SWB: Oh, I see.
KG: Yeah. So, you look it up. If you want to know what's on cable, you get a guide, and then it tells you what to watch and when. And how to feel about it. I understand that their sales have gone through the roof in the past few months.
SWB: I don't know what that's.......
KG: Subscriptions.
SWB: But the cable guide has nothing to do with how to hook up the cable.
KG: No. That's for the cable man.
SWB: Oh, the cable man guide.
SWB: What do you think your first starring role in a made for TV movie will be?
KG: I think that I'll be a raging bulimic who is married to a man who doesn't know. Then when he finds out he'll leave me, and I'll join a women's consciousness raising group. I'll get over my bulimia and help teens.
SWB: Who would be your male interest in that?
KG: Matty Lawrence.
SWB: Is that one of the Lawrence brothers?
KG: Uh-huh
SWB: Which one?
KG: I think the cuter one.
SWB: Who's about eleven?
KG: I think so.
SWB: That's a little bit illegal.
KG: Well, if that's how you want to think about it. You know, in Denmark they don't think about those things.
SWB: Well, Kathy, thanks for being on the show.
KG: Thanks, Smooth.
July 1997
7/01/97
Uncle Sam Wants You and You and You. . .
The Army this week, overseeing a sexual misconduct case against Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, one of its top enlisted men, says it might seek to have the defendant's original accuser recalled to active duty to force her to testify. In a press release, a spokesman added, "She's been forced to listen to unwelcome sexual advances, so I figure being forced to testify is right up her alley...if you know what I mean."
French Honor Seaman
Thousands of people led by President Jacques Chirac gathered on Monday to honor the memory of undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau. Said Chirac of Cousteau, "No one loved Jacques more than Jacques Chirac. Your departure is a heart share. You're leaving a grieving. You're letting go a blow. So Cousteau, even though you must go, it is up here, as below, a slow, slow sorrow." Chirac then wept with the others (but for different reasons) and asked to be excused.
Diet Yourself
In technology news, a woman has lost 10 pounds in just four days. How did she do it, in a natural way, without cravings for junk food? She used a new medical phenomenon called Slender Secret and it's a juice therapy that takes pounds off the natural way- (Cheryl) Carl, are you pitching a product? (Carl) I'm not 'pitching' anything, Cheryl. I'm just keeping our viewers informed about the latest advances in weight-loss technology- (Cheryl) Carl, this is unethical. (Carl) Christ, a guy wants a little walking around money.
Billion-err?
Billionaire and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen exercised his option to buy the Seattle Seahawks Monday for roughly $200 million. Allen then unveiled plans to change the team's name, faces, and identities; installing electricity sockets into their pelvises, thus creating a kindred of human conduits that will power the ensuing regiment of conquering androids. "These flesh-plugs will serve Microsoft well," lisped Allen in his trademark pansy-like whine. "I shall rival only pinkish tanned and off-white messiah Bill Gates in my duplicity!"
Whopper Topper?
McDonald has introduced a new sandwich, called the Quarter Pounder Big and Tasty, which sells for 99 cents and includes lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. A McDonalds' spokesman said, "I understand it's a good burger. It may sound a lot like a whopper but it is different. We put the charbroiled stripes on the bun, not the burger. So it looks like the thing is in prison."
Ghost Writer?
According to a report from actress and friend Marsha Mason, screenwriter Gary DeVore has been missing without a trace since Friday. Gary's wife, Wendy, is offering a $10,000 reward for the writer of Raw Deal, Passenger 57, Timecop and Sudden Death. Police say they haven't found a clue, but add with a list of movie credits like his, it was only a matter of time before he disappeared.
"Crook" Chased From L.A.
The syndicated talk show "Crook and Chase" is heading back to the rundown shanty it crawled out of after a four-month sojourn in Los Angeles that left the hillbilly show bleeding from its mouthful of missing teeth. While it landed a morning slot in Los Angeles, it never managed to break into New York and other major markets that it couldn't spell if you gave it an atlas.
Sound Bites
Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness Monday in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomist Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"
Rounding First
Seattle Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. was the top vote-getter in the All-Star Game, earning his eighth consecutive appearance with 3,514,340 votes. Griffey, who has been on injured reserve, unable to throw a ball for the last nine days due to filling out 3,514,220 All Star ballots, said, "I just want to thank that guy who filled out the remaining 120. Otherwise, I might be out for the whole season."
Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, coming to you live from the pre-Ryder Cup tailgate party. We’re boiling a few bratwursts and frankfurters in preparation for this piquant event, and my chums are hoisting a few pints in anticipation. But now on to your American football.
Ta plus Ta equals a congenial farewell from your unassuming footman, Chadwyre R. Dickens.
7/02/97
Jewell Of Denial
Richard Jewell, security guard and exonerated Olympic bombing suspect, said he has abandoned his dream of becoming a police officer. "I'm ruined," he said. "No police chief wants someone working for them that has had the press that I've had." Police chiefs receiving Jewell's employment application said that, no, they just couldn't hire him due to the excessive costs of widening all the precinct's halls and doorways.
Reshoot
Police have revisited the house where JonBenet Ramsey was killed to re-photograph some areas and conduct "role-playing" to test various scenarios. "You should see Jerry when he puts on the summery hat and the lipstick and dances around. I swear, he could win a beauty pageant," said one proud investigator, his round face beaming with pride.
It's A Gas, Gas, Gas
Scientists at the Minneapolis Veterans Administration Hospital are studying what causes flatulence odor and what can be done to eliminate it. Dr. Michael Levitt revealed that the study has been revealing that, "With flatulence, generally you will find, whomever is the person that smelt it proves (in the majority of cases) to be the person who, in actuality, dealt it." The project has taken five times as long as expected due to the high turnover rate among the researchers, one of whom said, "Sure, the benefits are great, but my eyes were always burning and I couldn't get the smell out of my ties."
Changing Their Tuna
Star-Kist foods said this week that, due to restructuring, it will be forced close a plant and about 400 jobs will be lost. "Unfortunately, I had to say 'Sorry Charlie' to many of my workers," said a plant manager, "Nobody really seemed to appreciate my little joke."
Clothes Line
In-line clothing maker Senate, designer of shirts bearing the messages "Destroy All Girls" and "Wife Beater," expressed disappointment that stores were returning its clothes this week. Company co-founder Arlo Eisenberg told reporters that he didn't know what all the fuss was about, all the while fervently preparing his new line of "Smile If You're Not A Jew" T-shirts and the "Didn't I Poop On You Once?" sunvisors.
Covering Up A Hickey
William "Are you sure he's not dead" Hickey, who got an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a Mafia don in Prizzi's Honor, died for the first time at the age of 69. A spokesman for the family said, "Please stop asking us if he's still alive. The answer is now official...NO."
Dropping Anchor
It was announced this week that L.A. news anchor Lisa McCree will replace Joan Lunden as co-host of ABC's struggling "Good Morning America" show. McCree says she's looking forward to the mixture of "news and fun," stating, "You're doing John Major one minute and John Travolta the next." Clearly McCree expects much play upon her arrival in the Big Apple, prompting co-anchor Charles Gibson to respond, " Nobody wants to DO us, Lisa. Why do you think we're 'struggling' so bad?"
Friends, Romans, Countrymen...
The Nevada State Athletic Commission has decided it will temporarily suspend Mike Tyson for biting the ears of Evander Holyfield pending its final decision next week. Tyson said he would not contest a fine from the Commission which could be as much as 10% of his nearly $30 million paycheck. "After all," Iron Mike added, "What's that, like 30 dollars?" Mr. Tyson needed to be restrained from becoming a chewing machine again when the concept of percentages was explained to him.
40-Love Hurts
There are only two American men left in the draw at Wimbledon this week and they are taking quite a ribbing from the remaining Brits. "Oh, Sampras," Brit Tim Henman has reportedly said to the world's #1 player, "if I meet you in the quarterfinals, I may make it difficult for you to win. But I must first advance to the quarterfinals, and that is a match I have confidence I will win, because, although he is a fine player, hence his invitation to Wimbledon, I believe that I am a slightly better player and I should win. Should. Don't cry, chap. I apologize for the relentless mockery."
7/04/97
Don't Go There
To celebrate the Fourth of July, NASA will attempt to land a spacecraft on the unholy planet of Mars. Especially miffed about this invasion are Martians, who for Martian months have been engaging in a furious Martian debate in Martian congress over building a huge wall to keep out non-Martians. "But who is going to do the menial Martian yardwork?" asked the head Martian, Martin Kennedy Martian, thus ending the Martian debate.
Hong Kong Phooey
Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.
Coffee, Tea, or Me?
Rose Hamid, a Muslim flight attendant, is seeking a court order against US Airways, who she says violated her rights by refusing to allow her to wear a hijab, or head scarf at work. Meanwhile, Morty Schulman, a coworker with similar claims, says his rights were violated when his "stupid" boss made him take off his "Orgy Detector" T-shirt. "This is my religion," said Schulman, a devout apostle of Bacchanalia.
De-Prezed
After 2 years, the president and chief operating officer of Rockwell International, in a surprise move, will step down September 30, complaining, "I always feels like somebody's watching me."
Business Profile
Richard Love, head chef for the popular restaurant "Spago," has certainly invested his earnings well. In fact, he owns a chain of dance clubs! Love can even be found inside some of his clubs, dancing until the wee hours. His favorite dance? "I really enjoy 'The Jerk,'" says Love, first name Dick. "I like to Jerk often; in fact, as often as I can. In fact, sometimes I'll Jerk off until the early morning. My friend Jack oft complains about the quality of my dancing. He calls my Jerk awful. But my friend Manuel thinks it's stimulating. Anyway, I'm going to give my friend Willie a tug. He loves boats!"
Lassie Lass
Kim Basinger, in another sweeping attempt to combat animal cruelty, will be picking up 40 beagles at a lab in New Jersey who were going to have their legs broken for pharmaceutical testing. Basinger, star of such films as Nadine and The Getaway, has clearly been a dog lover for some time.
Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"
Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.
Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?
Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness this week in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomite Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"
Bowl Dips
Eleven years after winning a Super Bowl, four former New York Giants have turned to Arena Football, becoming members of the New Jersey Red Dogs, who are 8-1 and leading the league. Said Harry Carson, "I got involved because I love football. It doesn't matter if it's Pop Warner, high school, college, NFL or a crazy bastardized version played with has-beens and wannabes."
Carl: And now for our 4th of July Traffic Report here’s R.J. Knackman.
R.J.: Thank you Carl. Traffic’s not too bad right now, I’m in LA over the Hollywood Bowl for the Fireworks extravaganza. There’s doing music from Oklahoma… (SFX Fireworks)
Carl: You’re OVER the Hollywood Bowl, with the fireworks?
R.J.: It’s spectacular. I’ve never seen them this close, it’s blinding, almost like D’Nang in the summer. Hot. Sticky… I’m going in for a closer look.
Carl : Are you sure that’s a good idea?
R.J. (to pilot) Bring us in closer. I said closer!
Carl: R.J. are you there? R.J.?
R.J.: Charlie’s got his party hat on tonight…
SFX: Explosion
Carl: R.J.?
R.J. Hail Mary full of Grace…
SFX Helicopter falling and crashing.
Carl: R.J. are you all right?
R.J. There’s some slowing on the Hollywood 101 due to a helicopter crash, take surface streets. I’ll see you at the hospital. Back to you.
Carl: Thanks R.J. Flowers are on the way.
7/10/97
Disk Heads
Scientists say the Mars Pathfinder is sending back information enough information twice a day to fill 10 floppy disks. Project leader Matt Golombek said, "This is unbelievable-- we're like kids in a candy store." Unfortunately, this statement was all too true as several of the scientists' parents have been called to pick up their kids for stuffing disks into their pockets and trying to take them without paying.
Keeping Current
Florida's electric chair "Sparky" will soon go on trial after inmates brought up the notion that death by electrocution was "cruel." After the trial and Sparky's expected imposed retirement, Florida lawmakers will vote on the inmates' suggested methods of execution: death by nude hot oil massage, death by being given so much money that inmates grow bored with life and commit suicide, and death by over-consumption of Chile's baby-back ribs.
Road To No Hair
The underground organization Animal Liberation Front took responsibility for the release of 4,000 minks. Most of the minks where recaptured but many were found dead along the highway with little "A Ride To Minkville Would Be Nice" and "If You're Going To Minktropolis, My 278 Friends And I Could Sure Use A Ride" signs.
This Story Is McFake
McDonald's has said that it will decentralize its U.S. operations into five geographic areas and announced the retirement of Ronald McDonald, their clowny spokesman for the last ninety years. McDonald's will introduce their new mascot, Jimmy the Devil, on Halloween of 1997. "We will scare you and your kids into eating at McDonald's," said a spokesman, "If you don't eat at McDonald's, you will die. I will make sure of that. Just try me."
Cabin Fever
British Airways cabin crews went on strike, leaving more than 25,000 passengers stranded and forcing the airline to cancel more than half of its flights. Representatives for BA said it hopes to increase its available flights by 20%, but Transport and General Workers Union rep. Andrew Murray said, "Twenty percent of very little is not much."
Predictably, he went on to say that 20% of some is more, and that 20% of plenty is lots."
Another One?
Inspired by Ellen Degeneres, former Who's The Boss child star Danny Pintauro has announced that he is gay. The entertainment industry was shocked by the announcement, surprised that Danny Pintauro could convince a reporter to actually come to his home when his homosexuality was never really in question.
Duck Season
The four-year-old critic's favorite "Duckman" has been cancelled by the USA network, but "fans" shouldn't panic. The show will be picked up by UPN, who also bought the rights to the film "Howard the Duck" for it's much hyped "Ducks that Suck" Sunday night line-up, hosted by Jon "Duckie" Cryer.
Wicked Slice
Golfer Laura Davies is one of the favorites at the U.S. Women's Open which has begun in Cornelius, Oregon. However, Davies sliced a big gash in her left index finger while slicing bread. "I thought I had the sharp side cutting the bread," said Davies in a phone interview where it was difficult to understand her until she was told to turn the receiver around so the noisy part was by her ear.
Boone "ies"
The Kansas City Royals, currently nine games back in the American League Central, have fired manager Bob Boone. Bob Boone now has plans to head up to the mountains, build himself a house out of sticks, and sit and stew, forever remembering his lifetime record of 181-206 with the Royals.
TIMMY
Bob? Bob Boone? I can't believe I found you! Look at you, man! Get yourself cleaned up! There's another baseball team interested in someone managing them to a sub-.500 record!
BOONIE
I like it here. It's quiet. I've got everything I need. Everything. Everything...except...except a baseball team to drive into mediocrity. Let's go!
This playlet presented by the Bob Boone 25 Games Under .500 Players.
7/11/97
Don't Rain Bullets On My Parade
As England sends 500 more troops to Northern Ireland, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced, " I am not going to give up on Northern Ireland. I am going to carry on searching for a solution." He and his cabinet will consider one of two plans: another Protestant parade in a Catholic area, this time with better floats OR reemploy the old starvation tactics, lowering the IRA's blood sugar so their aim is off.
Mars Attracts
In Mars news, the Sojourner exploration vehicle found unmistakable signs of the ancient presence of water, proving that the earth is in grave danger from deadly blood-sucking Martians, who are carefully walking behind the camera on their god-forsaken planet.
Rep. Off
U.S. Rep. Steve Schiff cannot return to work this week as planned because he is still feeling the effects of 35 radiation treatments. "I'll be back to work next week," a 137 foot Schiff told the press, sipping from a lake.
Electric Avenue
Toyota will unveil a new electric car which should not be driven with wet hands. Also, mothers all over the world encourage would-be owners to not flick the switch on and off, over and over, as each time you do that, it costs a penny.
Super Mario Profits
Nintendo has set a new sales record this week with the release of Star Fox 64. The game, selling 300,000 copies in its first week, beats the former record holder, Super Mario 64, at 200,000 copies. A Nintendo spokesperson said, "We're as pleased as can be. This means that 300,000 more American children won't learn to read."
Boneheads
Stanley Howse, a.k.a. "Flesh," member of the Grammy Award-winning rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, was arrested in Los Angeles Friday for possession of illegal explosives. Officers say they were tipped off by the fact that Howse kept saying that he was "da bomb," prompting their search. "We next plan on investigating claims that L.L. Cool J's mother persuaded him to enter into an altercation," said the enterprising officers.
Thai One On
A spokesman for the Professional Comedians Association of Thailand says the government will begin strict ruling on being impolite onstage. Especially barred are: obscene language, physical humor in which pain is implied, and being disrespectful to a colleague's parents. Still allowed: "America, What a Country" jokes, anything about Pol Pot, and jokes that begin "So there's 82 people on this raft..."
Whipped Cream, Forcible Sodomy, and Other Delights
Prosecutors say they plan to use DNA evidence against NBC sportscaster Marv Albert when they try him on forcible sodomy charges in September. Albert has provided the court with hair, saliva and blood samples in compliance with the court order. However, preliminary hair results taken from his "glorious mane" allegedly clear Albert and identify the attacker as a 3-year-old colt named "Smidgen."
Chew On This
The Nevada Athletic Commission has revoked Mike Tyson's boxing license, a decision Tyson has stated he would accept. Tyson did accuse the Nevada Gaming Commission of "trying to get into the act" when they later revoked his fishing license after he viciously devoured a tuna fish sandwich at lunch.
Uncle Sam Wants You and You and You. . .
The Army this week, overseeing a sexual misconduct case against Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, one of its top enlisted men, says it might seek to have the defendant's original accuser recalled to active duty to force her to testify. In a press release, a spokesman added, "She's been forced to listen to unwelcome sexual advances, so I figure being forced to testify is right up her alley...if you know what I mean."
French Honor Seaman
Thousands of people led by President Jacques Chirac gathered on Monday to honor the memory of undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau. Said Chirac of Cousteau, "No one loved Jacques more than Jacques Chirac. Your departure is a heart share. You're leaving a grieving. You're letting go a blow. So Cousteau, even though you must go, it is up here, as below, a slow, slow sorrow." Chirac then wept with the others (but for different reasons) and asked to be excused.
Diet Yourself
In technology news, a woman has lost 10 pounds in just four days. How did she do it, in a natural way, without cravings for junk food? She used a new medical phenomenon called Slender Secret and it's a juice therapy that takes pounds off the natural way- (Cheryl) Carl, are you pitching a product? (Carl) I'm not 'pitching' anything, Cheryl. I'm just keeping our viewers informed about the latest advances in weight-loss technology- (Cheryl) Carl, this is unethical. (Carl) Christ, a guy wants a little walking around money.
Billion-err?
Billionaire and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen exercised his option to buy the Seattle Seahawks Monday for roughly $200 million. Allen then unveiled plans to change the team's name, faces, and identities; installing electricity sockets into their pelvises, thus creating a kindred of human conduits that will power the ensuing regiment of conquering androids. "These flesh-plugs will serve Microsoft well," lisped Allen in his trademark pansy-like whine. "I shall rival only pinkish tanned and off-white messiah Bill Gates in my duplicity!"
Whopper Topper?
McDonald has introduced a new sandwich, called the Quarter Pounder Big and Tasty, which sells for 99 cents and includes lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. A McDonalds' spokesman said, "I understand it's a good burger. It may sound a lot like a whopper but it is different. We put the charbroiled stripes on the bun, not the burger. So it looks like the thing is in prison."
Ghost Writer?
According to a report from actress and friend Marsha Mason, screenwriter Gary DeVore has been missing without a trace since Friday. Gary's wife, Wendy, is offering a $10,000 reward for the writer of Raw Deal, Passenger 57, Timecop and Sudden Death. Police say they haven't found a clue, but add with a list of movie credits like his, it was only a matter of time before he disappeared.
"Crook" Chased From L.A.
The syndicated talk show "Crook and Chase" is heading back to the rundown shanty it crawled out of after a four-month sojourn in Los Angeles that left the hillbilly show bleeding from its mouthful of missing teeth. While it landed a morning slot in Los Angeles, it never managed to break into New York and other major markets that it couldn't spell if you gave it an atlas.
Sound Bites
Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness Monday in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomist Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"
Rounding First
Seattle Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. was the top vote-getter in the All-Star Game, earning his eighth consecutive appearance with 3,514,340 votes. Griffey, who has been on injured reserve, unable to throw a ball for the last nine days due to filling out 3,514,220 All Star ballots, said, "I just want to thank that guy who filled out the remaining 120. Otherwise, I might be out for the whole season."
Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, coming to you live from the pre-Ryder Cup tailgate party. We’re boiling a few bratwursts and frankfurters in preparation for this piquant event, and my chums are hoisting a few pints in anticipation. But now on to your American football.
Ta plus Ta equals a congenial farewell from your unassuming footman, Chadwyre R. Dickens.
7/02/97
Jewell Of Denial
Richard Jewell, security guard and exonerated Olympic bombing suspect, said he has abandoned his dream of becoming a police officer. "I'm ruined," he said. "No police chief wants someone working for them that has had the press that I've had." Police chiefs receiving Jewell's employment application said that, no, they just couldn't hire him due to the excessive costs of widening all the precinct's halls and doorways.
Reshoot
Police have revisited the house where JonBenet Ramsey was killed to re-photograph some areas and conduct "role-playing" to test various scenarios. "You should see Jerry when he puts on the summery hat and the lipstick and dances around. I swear, he could win a beauty pageant," said one proud investigator, his round face beaming with pride.
It's A Gas, Gas, Gas
Scientists at the Minneapolis Veterans Administration Hospital are studying what causes flatulence odor and what can be done to eliminate it. Dr. Michael Levitt revealed that the study has been revealing that, "With flatulence, generally you will find, whomever is the person that smelt it proves (in the majority of cases) to be the person who, in actuality, dealt it." The project has taken five times as long as expected due to the high turnover rate among the researchers, one of whom said, "Sure, the benefits are great, but my eyes were always burning and I couldn't get the smell out of my ties."
Changing Their Tuna
Star-Kist foods said this week that, due to restructuring, it will be forced close a plant and about 400 jobs will be lost. "Unfortunately, I had to say 'Sorry Charlie' to many of my workers," said a plant manager, "Nobody really seemed to appreciate my little joke."
Clothes Line
In-line clothing maker Senate, designer of shirts bearing the messages "Destroy All Girls" and "Wife Beater," expressed disappointment that stores were returning its clothes this week. Company co-founder Arlo Eisenberg told reporters that he didn't know what all the fuss was about, all the while fervently preparing his new line of "Smile If You're Not A Jew" T-shirts and the "Didn't I Poop On You Once?" sunvisors.
Covering Up A Hickey
William "Are you sure he's not dead" Hickey, who got an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a Mafia don in Prizzi's Honor, died for the first time at the age of 69. A spokesman for the family said, "Please stop asking us if he's still alive. The answer is now official...NO."
Dropping Anchor
It was announced this week that L.A. news anchor Lisa McCree will replace Joan Lunden as co-host of ABC's struggling "Good Morning America" show. McCree says she's looking forward to the mixture of "news and fun," stating, "You're doing John Major one minute and John Travolta the next." Clearly McCree expects much play upon her arrival in the Big Apple, prompting co-anchor Charles Gibson to respond, " Nobody wants to DO us, Lisa. Why do you think we're 'struggling' so bad?"
Friends, Romans, Countrymen...
The Nevada State Athletic Commission has decided it will temporarily suspend Mike Tyson for biting the ears of Evander Holyfield pending its final decision next week. Tyson said he would not contest a fine from the Commission which could be as much as 10% of his nearly $30 million paycheck. "After all," Iron Mike added, "What's that, like 30 dollars?" Mr. Tyson needed to be restrained from becoming a chewing machine again when the concept of percentages was explained to him.
40-Love Hurts
There are only two American men left in the draw at Wimbledon this week and they are taking quite a ribbing from the remaining Brits. "Oh, Sampras," Brit Tim Henman has reportedly said to the world's #1 player, "if I meet you in the quarterfinals, I may make it difficult for you to win. But I must first advance to the quarterfinals, and that is a match I have confidence I will win, because, although he is a fine player, hence his invitation to Wimbledon, I believe that I am a slightly better player and I should win. Should. Don't cry, chap. I apologize for the relentless mockery."
7/04/97
Don't Go There
To celebrate the Fourth of July, NASA will attempt to land a spacecraft on the unholy planet of Mars. Especially miffed about this invasion are Martians, who for Martian months have been engaging in a furious Martian debate in Martian congress over building a huge wall to keep out non-Martians. "But who is going to do the menial Martian yardwork?" asked the head Martian, Martin Kennedy Martian, thus ending the Martian debate.
Hong Kong Phooey
Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.
Coffee, Tea, or Me?
Rose Hamid, a Muslim flight attendant, is seeking a court order against US Airways, who she says violated her rights by refusing to allow her to wear a hijab, or head scarf at work. Meanwhile, Morty Schulman, a coworker with similar claims, says his rights were violated when his "stupid" boss made him take off his "Orgy Detector" T-shirt. "This is my religion," said Schulman, a devout apostle of Bacchanalia.
De-Prezed
After 2 years, the president and chief operating officer of Rockwell International, in a surprise move, will step down September 30, complaining, "I always feels like somebody's watching me."
Business Profile
Richard Love, head chef for the popular restaurant "Spago," has certainly invested his earnings well. In fact, he owns a chain of dance clubs! Love can even be found inside some of his clubs, dancing until the wee hours. His favorite dance? "I really enjoy 'The Jerk,'" says Love, first name Dick. "I like to Jerk often; in fact, as often as I can. In fact, sometimes I'll Jerk off until the early morning. My friend Jack oft complains about the quality of my dancing. He calls my Jerk awful. But my friend Manuel thinks it's stimulating. Anyway, I'm going to give my friend Willie a tug. He loves boats!"
Lassie Lass
Kim Basinger, in another sweeping attempt to combat animal cruelty, will be picking up 40 beagles at a lab in New Jersey who were going to have their legs broken for pharmaceutical testing. Basinger, star of such films as Nadine and The Getaway, has clearly been a dog lover for some time.
Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"
Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.
Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?
Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness this week in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomite Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"
Bowl Dips
Eleven years after winning a Super Bowl, four former New York Giants have turned to Arena Football, becoming members of the New Jersey Red Dogs, who are 8-1 and leading the league. Said Harry Carson, "I got involved because I love football. It doesn't matter if it's Pop Warner, high school, college, NFL or a crazy bastardized version played with has-beens and wannabes."
Carl: And now for our 4th of July Traffic Report here’s R.J. Knackman.
R.J.: Thank you Carl. Traffic’s not too bad right now, I’m in LA over the Hollywood Bowl for the Fireworks extravaganza. There’s doing music from Oklahoma… (SFX Fireworks)
Carl: You’re OVER the Hollywood Bowl, with the fireworks?
R.J.: It’s spectacular. I’ve never seen them this close, it’s blinding, almost like D’Nang in the summer. Hot. Sticky… I’m going in for a closer look.
Carl : Are you sure that’s a good idea?
R.J. (to pilot) Bring us in closer. I said closer!
Carl: R.J. are you there? R.J.?
R.J.: Charlie’s got his party hat on tonight…
SFX: Explosion
Carl: R.J.?
R.J. Hail Mary full of Grace…
SFX Helicopter falling and crashing.
Carl: R.J. are you all right?
R.J. There’s some slowing on the Hollywood 101 due to a helicopter crash, take surface streets. I’ll see you at the hospital. Back to you.
Carl: Thanks R.J. Flowers are on the way.
7/10/97
Disk Heads
Scientists say the Mars Pathfinder is sending back information enough information twice a day to fill 10 floppy disks. Project leader Matt Golombek said, "This is unbelievable-- we're like kids in a candy store." Unfortunately, this statement was all too true as several of the scientists' parents have been called to pick up their kids for stuffing disks into their pockets and trying to take them without paying.
Keeping Current
Florida's electric chair "Sparky" will soon go on trial after inmates brought up the notion that death by electrocution was "cruel." After the trial and Sparky's expected imposed retirement, Florida lawmakers will vote on the inmates' suggested methods of execution: death by nude hot oil massage, death by being given so much money that inmates grow bored with life and commit suicide, and death by over-consumption of Chile's baby-back ribs.
Road To No Hair
The underground organization Animal Liberation Front took responsibility for the release of 4,000 minks. Most of the minks where recaptured but many were found dead along the highway with little "A Ride To Minkville Would Be Nice" and "If You're Going To Minktropolis, My 278 Friends And I Could Sure Use A Ride" signs.
This Story Is McFake
McDonald's has said that it will decentralize its U.S. operations into five geographic areas and announced the retirement of Ronald McDonald, their clowny spokesman for the last ninety years. McDonald's will introduce their new mascot, Jimmy the Devil, on Halloween of 1997. "We will scare you and your kids into eating at McDonald's," said a spokesman, "If you don't eat at McDonald's, you will die. I will make sure of that. Just try me."
Cabin Fever
British Airways cabin crews went on strike, leaving more than 25,000 passengers stranded and forcing the airline to cancel more than half of its flights. Representatives for BA said it hopes to increase its available flights by 20%, but Transport and General Workers Union rep. Andrew Murray said, "Twenty percent of very little is not much."
Predictably, he went on to say that 20% of some is more, and that 20% of plenty is lots."
Another One?
Inspired by Ellen Degeneres, former Who's The Boss child star Danny Pintauro has announced that he is gay. The entertainment industry was shocked by the announcement, surprised that Danny Pintauro could convince a reporter to actually come to his home when his homosexuality was never really in question.
Duck Season
The four-year-old critic's favorite "Duckman" has been cancelled by the USA network, but "fans" shouldn't panic. The show will be picked up by UPN, who also bought the rights to the film "Howard the Duck" for it's much hyped "Ducks that Suck" Sunday night line-up, hosted by Jon "Duckie" Cryer.
Wicked Slice
Golfer Laura Davies is one of the favorites at the U.S. Women's Open which has begun in Cornelius, Oregon. However, Davies sliced a big gash in her left index finger while slicing bread. "I thought I had the sharp side cutting the bread," said Davies in a phone interview where it was difficult to understand her until she was told to turn the receiver around so the noisy part was by her ear.
Boone "ies"
The Kansas City Royals, currently nine games back in the American League Central, have fired manager Bob Boone. Bob Boone now has plans to head up to the mountains, build himself a house out of sticks, and sit and stew, forever remembering his lifetime record of 181-206 with the Royals.
TIMMY
Bob? Bob Boone? I can't believe I found you! Look at you, man! Get yourself cleaned up! There's another baseball team interested in someone managing them to a sub-.500 record!
BOONIE
I like it here. It's quiet. I've got everything I need. Everything. Everything...except...except a baseball team to drive into mediocrity. Let's go!
This playlet presented by the Bob Boone 25 Games Under .500 Players.
7/11/97
Don't Rain Bullets On My Parade
As England sends 500 more troops to Northern Ireland, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced, " I am not going to give up on Northern Ireland. I am going to carry on searching for a solution." He and his cabinet will consider one of two plans: another Protestant parade in a Catholic area, this time with better floats OR reemploy the old starvation tactics, lowering the IRA's blood sugar so their aim is off.
Mars Attracts
In Mars news, the Sojourner exploration vehicle found unmistakable signs of the ancient presence of water, proving that the earth is in grave danger from deadly blood-sucking Martians, who are carefully walking behind the camera on their god-forsaken planet.
Rep. Off
U.S. Rep. Steve Schiff cannot return to work this week as planned because he is still feeling the effects of 35 radiation treatments. "I'll be back to work next week," a 137 foot Schiff told the press, sipping from a lake.
Electric Avenue
Toyota will unveil a new electric car which should not be driven with wet hands. Also, mothers all over the world encourage would-be owners to not flick the switch on and off, over and over, as each time you do that, it costs a penny.
Super Mario Profits
Nintendo has set a new sales record this week with the release of Star Fox 64. The game, selling 300,000 copies in its first week, beats the former record holder, Super Mario 64, at 200,000 copies. A Nintendo spokesperson said, "We're as pleased as can be. This means that 300,000 more American children won't learn to read."
Boneheads
Stanley Howse, a.k.a. "Flesh," member of the Grammy Award-winning rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, was arrested in Los Angeles Friday for possession of illegal explosives. Officers say they were tipped off by the fact that Howse kept saying that he was "da bomb," prompting their search. "We next plan on investigating claims that L.L. Cool J's mother persuaded him to enter into an altercation," said the enterprising officers.
Thai One On
A spokesman for the Professional Comedians Association of Thailand says the government will begin strict ruling on being impolite onstage. Especially barred are: obscene language, physical humor in which pain is implied, and being disrespectful to a colleague's parents. Still allowed: "America, What a Country" jokes, anything about Pol Pot, and jokes that begin "So there's 82 people on this raft..."
Whipped Cream, Forcible Sodomy, and Other Delights
Prosecutors say they plan to use DNA evidence against NBC sportscaster Marv Albert when they try him on forcible sodomy charges in September. Albert has provided the court with hair, saliva and blood samples in compliance with the court order. However, preliminary hair results taken from his "glorious mane" allegedly clear Albert and identify the attacker as a 3-year-old colt named "Smidgen."
Chew On This
The Nevada Athletic Commission has revoked Mike Tyson's boxing license, a decision Tyson has stated he would accept. Tyson did accuse the Nevada Gaming Commission of "trying to get into the act" when they later revoked his fishing license after he viciously devoured a tuna fish sandwich at lunch.
Smooth Wooden Ball Interview with Dan Castellanetta
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News here with Earthworm Jim. Welcome to the show, Jim.
EJ: Thank you, Smooth Wooden Ball.
SWB: Uh, Earthworm Jim, I have always wanted to meet Dan Castellanetta. With your superpowers, do you think you can get a hold of him?
EJ: Yes! I can summon him. Calling Dan Castellanetta... I'm doing it telekinetically... or telepathically. Both actually. Ah! Here he is now.
SWB: Heyyy... this is Smooth Wooden Ball here.
EJ: And don't be fooled by the fact that we both sound exactly the same.
SWB: Welcome to the show, Dan.
DC: Hello. It's me talking now. Earthworm Jim has gone off to another assignment.
SWB: What were you doing before the Tracy Ullman Show?
DC: I was at the Second City in Chicago. For about four years.
SWB: Did they give you that role or did you have to audition for it?
DC: For...?
SWB: Tracy Ullman.
DC: For the Tracy Ullman? Tracy Ullman came and saw me at the Second City with Heidi Pearlman who was one of the producers of the show. Although I still had to come in and read for different sketches to be a member of the cast.
SWB: Do you ever wanna tell Matt Groening... so your last name is Groening? Why not just pronounce it Groh-ning? No one's gonna give you the business.
DC: I do not dare. He even put it in his strip that it is "Gray-ning." It rhymes with "complaining." Although "Groh-ning" is just as negative. It rhymes with "groaning."
SWB: What are some of the other voices you were thinking about using for Homer?
DC: Well originally Homer's voice sorta sounded like this. (as voice) Sort of "hello son!" Sort of a Walter Matthau kinda voice. But there was something sort of nasal. And it was very hard to do some of Homer's emotions, because he was constantly frustrated by the kids. But the voice would start going like this. (as Homer) And then it stayed in that register. And that's the most comfortable register in which to speak for a half hour... although it's like FIVE HOURS of recording!
SWB: Of all the cartoon characters in history, which one would you have been the most proud to have been the voice of?
DC: Wow... that's a good question. I would certainly have loved to have been one of the voice on Bullwinkle. Almost any of those Jay Ward cartoons. I'm a big fan of all of those. There was Mr. Peabody. (imitating Mr. Peabody) "Sherman! Today we're going back in time!" And then William Conrad, (imitating) "We last joined our heroes when they were looking for the Rubiat of Omer Kayan!
SWB: Okay. This is the first time for a litlle playlet written by one of our staff and played by the same people. Smooth Wooden Ball will be playing the part of Chad-- a person with arms. And Dan Castellanetta will be playing the part of Homer Simpson.
DC: (as Homer) Psss. Am I on? Where do I come in from?
SWB: Not yet. (acting) Hmmm. Not all of the lunch orders are in. Homer, I'm not sure what they ordered for you. Maybe this is it. Fourteen porkchops with gravy.
DC: Whoo-hoooo!
SWB: Na... na... here it is. Diet rice plate.
DC: Hit forehead with hand. D'oh!
SWB: This has been the Smooth Wooden Ball with Dan Castellanetta. Thanks for coming on the show, Dan.
DC: Thank you.
EJ: Thank you, Smooth Wooden Ball.
SWB: Uh, Earthworm Jim, I have always wanted to meet Dan Castellanetta. With your superpowers, do you think you can get a hold of him?
EJ: Yes! I can summon him. Calling Dan Castellanetta... I'm doing it telekinetically... or telepathically. Both actually. Ah! Here he is now.
SWB: Heyyy... this is Smooth Wooden Ball here.
EJ: And don't be fooled by the fact that we both sound exactly the same.
SWB: Welcome to the show, Dan.
DC: Hello. It's me talking now. Earthworm Jim has gone off to another assignment.
SWB: What were you doing before the Tracy Ullman Show?
DC: I was at the Second City in Chicago. For about four years.
SWB: Did they give you that role or did you have to audition for it?
DC: For...?
SWB: Tracy Ullman.
DC: For the Tracy Ullman? Tracy Ullman came and saw me at the Second City with Heidi Pearlman who was one of the producers of the show. Although I still had to come in and read for different sketches to be a member of the cast.
SWB: Do you ever wanna tell Matt Groening... so your last name is Groening? Why not just pronounce it Groh-ning? No one's gonna give you the business.
DC: I do not dare. He even put it in his strip that it is "Gray-ning." It rhymes with "complaining." Although "Groh-ning" is just as negative. It rhymes with "groaning."
SWB: What are some of the other voices you were thinking about using for Homer?
DC: Well originally Homer's voice sorta sounded like this. (as voice) Sort of "hello son!" Sort of a Walter Matthau kinda voice. But there was something sort of nasal. And it was very hard to do some of Homer's emotions, because he was constantly frustrated by the kids. But the voice would start going like this. (as Homer) And then it stayed in that register. And that's the most comfortable register in which to speak for a half hour... although it's like FIVE HOURS of recording!
SWB: Of all the cartoon characters in history, which one would you have been the most proud to have been the voice of?
DC: Wow... that's a good question. I would certainly have loved to have been one of the voice on Bullwinkle. Almost any of those Jay Ward cartoons. I'm a big fan of all of those. There was Mr. Peabody. (imitating Mr. Peabody) "Sherman! Today we're going back in time!" And then William Conrad, (imitating) "We last joined our heroes when they were looking for the Rubiat of Omer Kayan!
SWB: Okay. This is the first time for a litlle playlet written by one of our staff and played by the same people. Smooth Wooden Ball will be playing the part of Chad-- a person with arms. And Dan Castellanetta will be playing the part of Homer Simpson.
DC: (as Homer) Psss. Am I on? Where do I come in from?
SWB: Not yet. (acting) Hmmm. Not all of the lunch orders are in. Homer, I'm not sure what they ordered for you. Maybe this is it. Fourteen porkchops with gravy.
DC: Whoo-hoooo!
SWB: Na... na... here it is. Diet rice plate.
DC: Hit forehead with hand. D'oh!
SWB: This has been the Smooth Wooden Ball with Dan Castellanetta. Thanks for coming on the show, Dan.
DC: Thank you.
June 1997
6/02/97
Absolutely, 100% Guilty
Timothy McVeigh has been found guilty on all eleven federal charges in the 1995 Oklahoma bombing. McVeigh, after the sentencing, now faces the state case against him, where he will be tried for 160 counts of murder. State prosecutors are "optimistic," and when asked what direction they plan to take with his case, replied, "Y'know what the federal guys said? That. But times twenty."
PJPII: Lost in Poland
Pope John Paul the Deuce spoke to 300,000 pilgrims at a former Soviet air base and urged business leaders to aid the old and disadvantaged who have struggled since the fall of Polish communism in 1989. The Poles were reportedly puzzled by what he was saying, and kept waiting for the old man in the "rocket hat" to blast off and set the sky ablaze with fireworks. They left, disappointed.
What Fur
In Mount Angel Oregon, the largest act of Eco-terrorism ended on a sour note with the release of 10,000 minks from a ranch Friday. The tragic incident happened when the heard came head to head with the Mount Angel Mink Eaters Society. A representative for the mink eaters said through a fur-covered smile, "Other than the birth of my son it was the greatest day of my life.
Family Value
Final bids are expected this week for the purchase of Pat Robertson's International Family Entertainment. The remaining two bidders are Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. and the Walt Disney Co. and the price may be an astonishing $1.8 billion. Negotiations have been dragging on for months because Pat Robertson insists on knowing exactly where Mickey Mouse keeps his money. "He has no pockets in his shorts!" Robertson exclaimed.
Internaught
Behemoth Microsoft Corp. announced that it might drop its Microsoft Network and get out of the Internet service provider business. When asked for a comment, Microsoft Leviathan Bill Gates, looking up from his steady diet of pink cotton candy and calf entrails, dressed in fireproof pajamas decorated with caricatures of the nation's Vice-Presidents playing soccer, said, "What do I care? It was all just a ruse anyway, to distract the outside world from my plans to dominate this Earth, and implant microchips in all the children, turning them into my personal army." He glanced around furtively, then stated, "Kidding. I'm kidding," as small drops of his golden sweat broke out on his glorious forehead.
Little Rock 'n' Roll
President Clinton discusses his love of rock 'n' roll in a VH-1 interview that will air this week. Trying to remain familiar to all aspects of the American public, the President will discuss, on the Spice Channel, his love of broads and how to pick them up when you're the Arkansas governor. "It takes a certain amount of panache," the President said, showing off his multi-linguality.
Plagiarous Minds
The father of Michelle Pfeiffer's adopted daughter is suing the actress, saying he is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds. The actress is expected to counter-sue successfully on the grounds that the man is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds.
The Jazz Sinker
The Utah Jazz lost the first game of the NBA finals when they offered single coverage on Michael Jordan, widely regarded as the best player ever, allowing him to sink the game winner. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan said, "Maybe we made a mistake, but everyone loses to Jordan, there's no shame." He then added, "We were just so determined not to let Judd Buechler beat us."
Speed Freak
In the race to determine "The World's Fastest Man", Donovan Bailey cruised to victory as Michael Johnson came up lame with a "quadriceps" injury. Afterwards, Bailey told reporters that he had won the race in the first three strides. "I'm not stupid, though," Bailey said, "so I kept running the remaining 147 meters."
When asked about his early lead, Bailey opined, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to force reporters to admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.
6/03/97
Got Milk?
A study for the Center of Disease Control and Prevention shows that when given to a child, breast milk helps protect from mild infection. The study also indicates that when given to an adult, breast milk greatly increases the chances of sweet, sweet monkey love.
No Comet?
A scientific theory gaining wider acceptance hypothesizes that water, brought by comets striking the earth, gave the planet life. Many critics see flaws in this theory, holding on to the belief that water was produced internally. Said one critic, "Could be a comet, I mean it was a trillion years ago, right? But I've been committed to shooting everything down since the tragic day I decided to become a critic."
What, Me Worry?
After being found guilty of the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building, Timothy McVeigh, is scheduled for a hearing today in Denver to determine the penalty he deserves. When reached for comment, McVeigh stated "I deeply regret voting for the 'Red-hot-pokers-in-the-eyes-whilst- hanging-by-your-balls-till- they-fall-off Penalty' in the last Denver election. Boy did that come back to bite me in the patoot!"
Fiber Optimist?
The Kellogg Co. petitioned the FDA to allow cereals like All Bran and Raisin Bran to carry a special claim saying low fat diets that include the cereals may reduce the risk of colon cancer. If all goes well, the kid friendly cereal company has plans to extend the campaign to the young by introducing it's newest cereal -"COUNT POOP - A- LOT" to the shelves next fall.
Cadill-Axe?
It's a sad day as GM is recalling 85,000 cars, many of them Cadillacs. GM is reminding customers that they are still Cadillacs, and even though there is a problem now, soon the problem will be fixed and remember, not every jagoff gets to own a Cadillac but everybody wants one, but you own one, don't you?
Bob Dylan 1941-?
Bob Dylan has been released from the hospital after treatment for a potentially life threatening heart infection. Dylan said through a spokesman, "I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon." A spokesman for the afterlife replied, "There is no afterlife for Dylan-If he wants to see Elvis he'll need a shovel."
Dino-Mite?
Ticket sales for The Lost World dropped 62% in its second weekend. Made up Universal executives are baffled saying, "We've shoveled worse crap at those moonpies and they ate it up. Just take...I can't even think of a good example. Pretty much everything is the same nowadays. I blame TV."
Bailey's Cream?
Donovan Bailey, after trouncing Michael Johnson in Sunday's 150-meter race, said about his early lead, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to make reporters admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.
Sloan Alone?
For Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the NBA Finals are a homecoming as Sloan is one of three Bulls players to have their numbers retired. Sloan also coached the Bulls for three years without much success. What did that experience teach him? "I learned you can't win without players." The 892-0 trouncing, in an ill-fated experiment, where the Cleveland Cavaliers beat a Bulls' team with a starting lineup of nobody, evidenced this.
6/04/97
VAN-DALS
In Memphis, in the highly underrated state of Tennessee, a vehicle belonging to the FBI S.W.A.T. team was stolen with thirteen weapons inside. The vehicle was later discovered completely burned and empty. The FBI admits its mistake as a spokesman said, "I cracked the windows and left the radio on so the guns wouldn't get too hot or bored."
I Don't Thee Wed
Homophobic Minnesota Governor Arne Carlson has signed a bill banning same-sex marriages. In a quote, Carlson said, "It's not that I hate gay people, it's just that someone must pay for the shame-tent I get in my pants whenever Senator Kennedy speaks. Why does that happen to me? Why am I bad?"
A Corsage For Your Entourage
Chelsea Clinton attended her prom on Tuesday with her parents, a motorcade and a small platoon of reporters. It is rumored that to ensure that Chelsea had a date, Clinton had to create a new government position to offer the boy, "U.S. Ambassador to First Base."
Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave
Federal antitrust regulators are continuing to investigate Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied."
Technopooped
Investors' enthusiasm for technology stocks fizzled as the technology laden NASDAQ composite tumbled 20 points to 1385. However, over on the NYSE stocks representing pencils, abacus, wooden clogs, Amish hats, butter churns, and simple percussion instruments soared, gaining over 4 points!
SMOOTH WOODEN BALL
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News and we're here with Dave Higgins. Welcome to the show Dave.
DH: Hi, thanks.
SWB: How did they break it to you on Ellen that they were gonna go the gay route?
DH: What they did was they said that we're goin' the gay route. The very beginning of the season Ellen brought it up that she wanted the character to come out.
SWB: You're a heterosexual Dave?
DH: Hmmmm, I'd rather not comment.
SWB: Okay. Well, that takes care of the next five questions.
SWB and DH: Laugh.
SWB: On the show, it was hard for Ellen to tell her parents that she's gay. Was it hard for you to tell your parents that Ellen is gay?
DH: No, I've never had to tell my parents anything very difficult. I guess that wouldn't be going to college; that was pretty tough. When I quit college.
SWB: Years from now, when they have the "Best of Ellen" video collection at Blockbuster, how will your character be described on the back of the box?
DH: I would predict, and I'd be willing to put down money, "the acerbic Joe Ferrel serves up the coffee and the laughs."
SWB: Acerbic?
DH: Yeah, don't you think? Don't you think that's a pretty good one?
SWB: David Ogden Stiers did a competent job, but don't you think Frank Burns was funnier than Winchester?
DH: Yes.
SWB: If they recast M*A*S*H* is 1997, what part would they have you play?
DH: I would hope that I'd be the guy in charge of the carpool.
SWB: My next question was do you think you'd make a pretty good Zale?
DH: Oh Zale, yeah, yeah.
SWB: See, I'm ahead of you I guess, apparently.
DH: See, I think in comedy terms.
SWB: Tell me, what other names were you all batting around before settling on "The Higgins Boys and Gruber?"
DH: We were called "Don't Quit Your Day Job" for the longest time. I remember, we just thought that was the greatest name in the world. And then you'd hear it on interviews or read it in the paper "Don't Quit Your Day Job" and you'd be cruising the paper looking and you'd see "don't quit your day job" and say "Hey that's it. Oh, it's just someone telling you not to quit your day job."
SWB: Do you guys ever perform any more?
DH: My brother Steve produces Saturday Night Live, so he's in New York and....
SWB: And he's out of comedy now.
DH: Yeah basically. Hey wait a minute, I can't say that. But, you're probably right.
SWB: Hey, thanks for being on the show Dave.
DH: Oh, it's a pleasure to be here Round Smooth Wooden Ball.
SWB: Sure thing.
DH: What can I call you for short?
SWB: Smooth is good.
DH: Okay Smooth.
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for the SC Naked News and now its time to take the SC Naked quiz.
Kathie's Clown
ABC sportscaster and babe magnet Frank Gifford told reporters that his marriage to Kathie Lee Gifford is good and strong. When the uproarious laughter died down, Gifford continued to insist everything was fine, and that Kathie Lee was focusing on the couple's children, and the business of exploiting them to benefit her television show.
She's Gotti Have It.
Victoria Gotti, the daughter of mob boss John Gotti, will write a combination cookbook and family history to the tune of $1 million, it was reported this week. Recipes to be contained in the tome include "Dead Canary Stew," and "Sleep With the Fillet o' Fishes." Gotti was quoted as saying, "Just to prove that I'm not a hard-hearted woman, this was the best piece of rump roast I've ever had!"
Par-Tee Girls
A national survey of women golfers shows they see themselves treated as second class citizens on the golf course. The women were asked to comment on a number of issues, but the pollsters kept rolling their eyes and saying, "Sure, babe, I'm listening."
Gone Fishin'
Two people driving on the Florida Turnpike found the costume head of Florida Marlin mascot "Billy the Marlin" this week. The head has been missing since it blew off a Navy SEAL parachuting into the stadium in April. Marlin fans are quite relieved, as now they can replace the temporary mascot, "Ed Chapman, the gesticulating moron, with a human head and a Marlin's body."
6/05/97
Presidential "Race"
President Clinton, trying for months to improve race relations in our country, has finally come up with a new plan. The President announced the inception of his new "Don't Stare, Don't Shoot" policy. He's asking that people all over the country avert their eyes when they see someone of a different ethnic background. "If you do it right," he said, "it will be like the others don't even exist."
Everybody Must Get Cloned
Citing ethical concerns, the National Bioethics Advisory Commission will recommend that human cloning be banned. The draft of the recommendation will be finalized soon, leaving the Commission time to add a controversial and surprising last-minute alteration: "The Carmen Electra Escape Clause."
"Gimme an E.(Coli)!"
Three people in Indiana who ate uncooked meat this week have been infected with the E. Coli bacteria. Officials are looking into the matter and are warning people no matter how lip-smackingly good that raw pork looks, throw it in the oven at 350 and leave it in there at least 20 minutes for every pound.
Check It Out!
The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.
Save It!
Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.
The Joker's Dead
Television game show host Dennis James has died. James had the distinction of being the announcer for television's first commercial and worked for the Dumont Television Network as a jack of all trades. "He could do it all," said a spokesman, "except live forever."
Fools Rush Into Rehab
Mathew Perry's publicist released a statement confirming reports that the "star" checked into a rehab center this week, saying, "Perry is under a lot of strain these days, starring on the most over-rated sitcom ever, pretending to be 27 when everyone knows he's in his thirties and keeping up with Chris Farley's drug intake on the set of their new movie together." Perry's plans for his hiatus include resting, drying out and finding a new publicist.
Double Bogus
In the PGA Senior Open at Kemper Lakes Golf Course, coming in last was Ben Smith, who carded a 34 over par score of 250 and pocketed $648 for his almost inconsequential "efforts." Said Smith's agent, almost bursting with "pride", "Wow. Show me the money. Sixty-four dollars. Now I can send my son to college, as long as he doesn't enroll or buy any books."
My So Called Life
Michael Irvin, wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, says he may quit football, and that his teammates don't understand the pressures he's under. When reminded that his teammates all play the game of football just like him, he replied, "I meant the mandatory drug testing that keeps me from my true calling: coked-out scumbag."
6/06/97
Get Shorty
An Arkansas man sued Richardson Center Inc., claiming he was fired because of his dwarfism and a missing arm. The jury awarded him $29,000 and gawked at him for a really long time.
Neither Rain Nor Blow...
In El Paso, TX, a letter carrier for the US Postal Service was charged with possession of cocaine and intent to distribute it. The carrier Juan F. Middaugh admitted that he sold drugs while on duty. Postal Officials lamented the loss of Mr. Middaugh, who routinely finished his daily 12-mile route in just under 20 minutes.
Johnny Punchclock
The US jobless rate has fallen to a twenty three-year low of 4.8%. So, to 95.2% of you out there, congratulations and keep working- at least you're doing a good job. Let's pick it up you others.
Check It Out!
The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.
Save It!
Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.
CRISIS IN TRENCHMONT
Absolutely, 100% Guilty
Timothy McVeigh has been found guilty on all eleven federal charges in the 1995 Oklahoma bombing. McVeigh, after the sentencing, now faces the state case against him, where he will be tried for 160 counts of murder. State prosecutors are "optimistic," and when asked what direction they plan to take with his case, replied, "Y'know what the federal guys said? That. But times twenty."
PJPII: Lost in Poland
Pope John Paul the Deuce spoke to 300,000 pilgrims at a former Soviet air base and urged business leaders to aid the old and disadvantaged who have struggled since the fall of Polish communism in 1989. The Poles were reportedly puzzled by what he was saying, and kept waiting for the old man in the "rocket hat" to blast off and set the sky ablaze with fireworks. They left, disappointed.
What Fur
In Mount Angel Oregon, the largest act of Eco-terrorism ended on a sour note with the release of 10,000 minks from a ranch Friday. The tragic incident happened when the heard came head to head with the Mount Angel Mink Eaters Society. A representative for the mink eaters said through a fur-covered smile, "Other than the birth of my son it was the greatest day of my life.
Family Value
Final bids are expected this week for the purchase of Pat Robertson's International Family Entertainment. The remaining two bidders are Rupert Murdoch's News Corp. and the Walt Disney Co. and the price may be an astonishing $1.8 billion. Negotiations have been dragging on for months because Pat Robertson insists on knowing exactly where Mickey Mouse keeps his money. "He has no pockets in his shorts!" Robertson exclaimed.
Internaught
Behemoth Microsoft Corp. announced that it might drop its Microsoft Network and get out of the Internet service provider business. When asked for a comment, Microsoft Leviathan Bill Gates, looking up from his steady diet of pink cotton candy and calf entrails, dressed in fireproof pajamas decorated with caricatures of the nation's Vice-Presidents playing soccer, said, "What do I care? It was all just a ruse anyway, to distract the outside world from my plans to dominate this Earth, and implant microchips in all the children, turning them into my personal army." He glanced around furtively, then stated, "Kidding. I'm kidding," as small drops of his golden sweat broke out on his glorious forehead.
Little Rock 'n' Roll
President Clinton discusses his love of rock 'n' roll in a VH-1 interview that will air this week. Trying to remain familiar to all aspects of the American public, the President will discuss, on the Spice Channel, his love of broads and how to pick them up when you're the Arkansas governor. "It takes a certain amount of panache," the President said, showing off his multi-linguality.
Plagiarous Minds
The father of Michelle Pfeiffer's adopted daughter is suing the actress, saying he is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds. The actress is expected to counter-sue successfully on the grounds that the man is responsible for many ideas in the film Dangerous Minds.
The Jazz Sinker
The Utah Jazz lost the first game of the NBA finals when they offered single coverage on Michael Jordan, widely regarded as the best player ever, allowing him to sink the game winner. Jazz coach Jerry Sloan said, "Maybe we made a mistake, but everyone loses to Jordan, there's no shame." He then added, "We were just so determined not to let Judd Buechler beat us."
Speed Freak
In the race to determine "The World's Fastest Man", Donovan Bailey cruised to victory as Michael Johnson came up lame with a "quadriceps" injury. Afterwards, Bailey told reporters that he had won the race in the first three strides. "I'm not stupid, though," Bailey said, "so I kept running the remaining 147 meters."
When asked about his early lead, Bailey opined, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to force reporters to admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.
6/03/97
Got Milk?
A study for the Center of Disease Control and Prevention shows that when given to a child, breast milk helps protect from mild infection. The study also indicates that when given to an adult, breast milk greatly increases the chances of sweet, sweet monkey love.
No Comet?
A scientific theory gaining wider acceptance hypothesizes that water, brought by comets striking the earth, gave the planet life. Many critics see flaws in this theory, holding on to the belief that water was produced internally. Said one critic, "Could be a comet, I mean it was a trillion years ago, right? But I've been committed to shooting everything down since the tragic day I decided to become a critic."
What, Me Worry?
After being found guilty of the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building, Timothy McVeigh, is scheduled for a hearing today in Denver to determine the penalty he deserves. When reached for comment, McVeigh stated "I deeply regret voting for the 'Red-hot-pokers-in-the-eyes-whilst- hanging-by-your-balls-till- they-fall-off Penalty' in the last Denver election. Boy did that come back to bite me in the patoot!"
Fiber Optimist?
The Kellogg Co. petitioned the FDA to allow cereals like All Bran and Raisin Bran to carry a special claim saying low fat diets that include the cereals may reduce the risk of colon cancer. If all goes well, the kid friendly cereal company has plans to extend the campaign to the young by introducing it's newest cereal -"COUNT POOP - A- LOT" to the shelves next fall.
Cadill-Axe?
It's a sad day as GM is recalling 85,000 cars, many of them Cadillacs. GM is reminding customers that they are still Cadillacs, and even though there is a problem now, soon the problem will be fixed and remember, not every jagoff gets to own a Cadillac but everybody wants one, but you own one, don't you?
Bob Dylan 1941-?
Bob Dylan has been released from the hospital after treatment for a potentially life threatening heart infection. Dylan said through a spokesman, "I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon." A spokesman for the afterlife replied, "There is no afterlife for Dylan-If he wants to see Elvis he'll need a shovel."
Dino-Mite?
Ticket sales for The Lost World dropped 62% in its second weekend. Made up Universal executives are baffled saying, "We've shoveled worse crap at those moonpies and they ate it up. Just take...I can't even think of a good example. Pretty much everything is the same nowadays. I blame TV."
Bailey's Cream?
Donovan Bailey, after trouncing Michael Johnson in Sunday's 150-meter race, said about his early lead, "Obviously, if I'm within striking distance that early, the gap is going to get bigger and bigger and my butt is going to get smaller and smaller." Bailey then went on to make reporters admire his tiny, delicious ass, having them pucker their lips in silent homage to Canada's most precious natural resource: His sweet can.
Sloan Alone?
For Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the NBA Finals are a homecoming as Sloan is one of three Bulls players to have their numbers retired. Sloan also coached the Bulls for three years without much success. What did that experience teach him? "I learned you can't win without players." The 892-0 trouncing, in an ill-fated experiment, where the Cleveland Cavaliers beat a Bulls' team with a starting lineup of nobody, evidenced this.
6/04/97
VAN-DALS
In Memphis, in the highly underrated state of Tennessee, a vehicle belonging to the FBI S.W.A.T. team was stolen with thirteen weapons inside. The vehicle was later discovered completely burned and empty. The FBI admits its mistake as a spokesman said, "I cracked the windows and left the radio on so the guns wouldn't get too hot or bored."
I Don't Thee Wed
Homophobic Minnesota Governor Arne Carlson has signed a bill banning same-sex marriages. In a quote, Carlson said, "It's not that I hate gay people, it's just that someone must pay for the shame-tent I get in my pants whenever Senator Kennedy speaks. Why does that happen to me? Why am I bad?"
A Corsage For Your Entourage
Chelsea Clinton attended her prom on Tuesday with her parents, a motorcade and a small platoon of reporters. It is rumored that to ensure that Chelsea had a date, Clinton had to create a new government position to offer the boy, "U.S. Ambassador to First Base."
Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave
Federal antitrust regulators are continuing to investigate Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied."
Technopooped
Investors' enthusiasm for technology stocks fizzled as the technology laden NASDAQ composite tumbled 20 points to 1385. However, over on the NYSE stocks representing pencils, abacus, wooden clogs, Amish hats, butter churns, and simple percussion instruments soared, gaining over 4 points!
SMOOTH WOODEN BALL
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News and we're here with Dave Higgins. Welcome to the show Dave.
DH: Hi, thanks.
SWB: How did they break it to you on Ellen that they were gonna go the gay route?
DH: What they did was they said that we're goin' the gay route. The very beginning of the season Ellen brought it up that she wanted the character to come out.
SWB: You're a heterosexual Dave?
DH: Hmmmm, I'd rather not comment.
SWB: Okay. Well, that takes care of the next five questions.
SWB and DH: Laugh.
SWB: On the show, it was hard for Ellen to tell her parents that she's gay. Was it hard for you to tell your parents that Ellen is gay?
DH: No, I've never had to tell my parents anything very difficult. I guess that wouldn't be going to college; that was pretty tough. When I quit college.
SWB: Years from now, when they have the "Best of Ellen" video collection at Blockbuster, how will your character be described on the back of the box?
DH: I would predict, and I'd be willing to put down money, "the acerbic Joe Ferrel serves up the coffee and the laughs."
SWB: Acerbic?
DH: Yeah, don't you think? Don't you think that's a pretty good one?
SWB: David Ogden Stiers did a competent job, but don't you think Frank Burns was funnier than Winchester?
DH: Yes.
SWB: If they recast M*A*S*H* is 1997, what part would they have you play?
DH: I would hope that I'd be the guy in charge of the carpool.
SWB: My next question was do you think you'd make a pretty good Zale?
DH: Oh Zale, yeah, yeah.
SWB: See, I'm ahead of you I guess, apparently.
DH: See, I think in comedy terms.
SWB: Tell me, what other names were you all batting around before settling on "The Higgins Boys and Gruber?"
DH: We were called "Don't Quit Your Day Job" for the longest time. I remember, we just thought that was the greatest name in the world. And then you'd hear it on interviews or read it in the paper "Don't Quit Your Day Job" and you'd be cruising the paper looking and you'd see "don't quit your day job" and say "Hey that's it. Oh, it's just someone telling you not to quit your day job."
SWB: Do you guys ever perform any more?
DH: My brother Steve produces Saturday Night Live, so he's in New York and....
SWB: And he's out of comedy now.
DH: Yeah basically. Hey wait a minute, I can't say that. But, you're probably right.
SWB: Hey, thanks for being on the show Dave.
DH: Oh, it's a pleasure to be here Round Smooth Wooden Ball.
SWB: Sure thing.
DH: What can I call you for short?
SWB: Smooth is good.
DH: Okay Smooth.
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball for the SC Naked News and now its time to take the SC Naked quiz.
Kathie's Clown
ABC sportscaster and babe magnet Frank Gifford told reporters that his marriage to Kathie Lee Gifford is good and strong. When the uproarious laughter died down, Gifford continued to insist everything was fine, and that Kathie Lee was focusing on the couple's children, and the business of exploiting them to benefit her television show.
She's Gotti Have It.
Victoria Gotti, the daughter of mob boss John Gotti, will write a combination cookbook and family history to the tune of $1 million, it was reported this week. Recipes to be contained in the tome include "Dead Canary Stew," and "Sleep With the Fillet o' Fishes." Gotti was quoted as saying, "Just to prove that I'm not a hard-hearted woman, this was the best piece of rump roast I've ever had!"
Par-Tee Girls
A national survey of women golfers shows they see themselves treated as second class citizens on the golf course. The women were asked to comment on a number of issues, but the pollsters kept rolling their eyes and saying, "Sure, babe, I'm listening."
Gone Fishin'
Two people driving on the Florida Turnpike found the costume head of Florida Marlin mascot "Billy the Marlin" this week. The head has been missing since it blew off a Navy SEAL parachuting into the stadium in April. Marlin fans are quite relieved, as now they can replace the temporary mascot, "Ed Chapman, the gesticulating moron, with a human head and a Marlin's body."
6/05/97
Presidential "Race"
President Clinton, trying for months to improve race relations in our country, has finally come up with a new plan. The President announced the inception of his new "Don't Stare, Don't Shoot" policy. He's asking that people all over the country avert their eyes when they see someone of a different ethnic background. "If you do it right," he said, "it will be like the others don't even exist."
Everybody Must Get Cloned
Citing ethical concerns, the National Bioethics Advisory Commission will recommend that human cloning be banned. The draft of the recommendation will be finalized soon, leaving the Commission time to add a controversial and surprising last-minute alteration: "The Carmen Electra Escape Clause."
"Gimme an E.(Coli)!"
Three people in Indiana who ate uncooked meat this week have been infected with the E. Coli bacteria. Officials are looking into the matter and are warning people no matter how lip-smackingly good that raw pork looks, throw it in the oven at 350 and leave it in there at least 20 minutes for every pound.
Check It Out!
The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.
Save It!
Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.
The Joker's Dead
Television game show host Dennis James has died. James had the distinction of being the announcer for television's first commercial and worked for the Dumont Television Network as a jack of all trades. "He could do it all," said a spokesman, "except live forever."
Fools Rush Into Rehab
Mathew Perry's publicist released a statement confirming reports that the "star" checked into a rehab center this week, saying, "Perry is under a lot of strain these days, starring on the most over-rated sitcom ever, pretending to be 27 when everyone knows he's in his thirties and keeping up with Chris Farley's drug intake on the set of their new movie together." Perry's plans for his hiatus include resting, drying out and finding a new publicist.
Double Bogus
In the PGA Senior Open at Kemper Lakes Golf Course, coming in last was Ben Smith, who carded a 34 over par score of 250 and pocketed $648 for his almost inconsequential "efforts." Said Smith's agent, almost bursting with "pride", "Wow. Show me the money. Sixty-four dollars. Now I can send my son to college, as long as he doesn't enroll or buy any books."
My So Called Life
Michael Irvin, wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, says he may quit football, and that his teammates don't understand the pressures he's under. When reminded that his teammates all play the game of football just like him, he replied, "I meant the mandatory drug testing that keeps me from my true calling: coked-out scumbag."
6/06/97
Get Shorty
An Arkansas man sued Richardson Center Inc., claiming he was fired because of his dwarfism and a missing arm. The jury awarded him $29,000 and gawked at him for a really long time.
Neither Rain Nor Blow...
In El Paso, TX, a letter carrier for the US Postal Service was charged with possession of cocaine and intent to distribute it. The carrier Juan F. Middaugh admitted that he sold drugs while on duty. Postal Officials lamented the loss of Mr. Middaugh, who routinely finished his daily 12-mile route in just under 20 minutes.
Johnny Punchclock
The US jobless rate has fallen to a twenty three-year low of 4.8%. So, to 95.2% of you out there, congratulations and keep working- at least you're doing a good job. Let's pick it up you others.
Check It Out!
The District of Columbia library system, so financially strapped that patrons have been asked to donate magazines, was given $1 million worth of computers and software this week by amoral genius Bill Gates. In addition, Gates donated his secret hoard of naughty books not realizing the library had no need for his grimy stash. When alerted to this, Gates replied, "May I please have them returned to me in a sealed third-class package?" Library officials merely shook their heads, and walked slowly back to their posts, to forever excite the minds of children with the power of reading.
Save It!
Chrysler will announce new proposals to save the company, which suffered major financial setbacks due to line worker strikes, over $1.2 million. Proposed plans include no lunch until the entire car is made, overtime hours paid in magazine subscriptions, and all on-the-job injuries treated by the employee on your left.
CRISIS IN TRENCHMONT
BRENT
Brent Mulvahill reporting to you live from 3rd and Verdugo here in downtown Trenchmont where a mini van has apparently run into a light post, flipped over on its side and pinned a mother of four beneath it. Thirty-five-year-old Lorraine Beverly Davis is unconscious, barely clinging to life, literally inches from my feet. The paramedics have just arrived and are now making their way over here to Mrs. Davis.
MEDIC
Move away from the body!
BRENT
You can hear the paramedics warning civilians not to get too close. Not everyone is allowed on the scene, frankly. There are journalists...
MEDIC
You... with the microphone...
BRENT
-police officials...
MEDIC
Move away from the body... now!
BRENT
-and, of course, emergency personnel. But, I'll tell you honestly, sometimes it's a club I'd rather not have joined. Especially when I look at the dull, bloated face...
MEDIC
Your cord is blocking the gurney!
BRENT
We've got some technical difficulties here folks... but if I can just swing around here and get up close and personal with a young doctor who looks very hard at work here.
Doc, isn't it a little too -
DOC
Get this man away from me, right now!
MEDIC
Come on.
BRENT
Don't take that! Gimme that! I'm Brent Mulvahill. I need that!
MEDIC
You're Brent Mulvahill over here, on the sidewalk.
BRENT
This is Brent Mulvahill live from 4th and Verdugo in Trenchmont.
BILL
Brent, what happened to the mother of four?
BRENT
I think she probably passed away, but I'm not sure. Probably.
Bob Dylan 1941-?
Bob Dylan has been released from the hospital after treatment for a potentially life threatening heart infection. Dylan said through a spokesman, "I really thought I'd be seeing Elvis soon." A spokesman for the Presley estate replied, "There is no afterlife if Dylan wants to see Elvis he'll need a shovel."
Dino-Mite?
Ticket sales for The Lost World dropped 62% in it's second weekend. Made up Universal executives are baffled saying, "We've shoveled worse crap at those moonpies and they ate it up. Just take...I can't even think of a good example pretty much everything is the same nowadays I blame TV."
Sloan Alone
For Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan, the NBA Finals are a homecoming as Sloan is one of three Bulls players to have their numbers retired. Sloan also coached the Bulls for three years without much success. What did that experience teach him? "I learned you can't win without players." The 982-0 trouncing, in an ill-fated experiment, where the Cleveland Cavaliers beat a Bulls' team with a starting lineup of nobody evidenced this.
TRIBUTE TO JUD BUECHLER
As the playoffs wind down to their probable conclusion this weekend, I expect the more showy and ostentatious members of the world champion Bulls will grasp the limelight once again. However, there is an underappreciated diamond on this merry band that does not receive the glory of Jordan, Pippen, and Rodman. His talents are hidden like a chest of buried treasure in a large, stinky pile of dirt. So let us now honor this glossy broomtail known as Jud Buechler.
I'm sure all of us witnessed his efforts in game two during the final seconds of the inevitable comeback by the Jazz. For who was there to deny John Stockton from obtaining eight points in less than a minute? Jud "The Pickpocket" Buechler. Who was the first to approach Jordan for the hug of a valiant game-winner? Jud "The Fond Embrace" Buechler. And who was there to guzzle gallantly from the chalice of victory after the grueling span of competition had at last subsided? Jud "Meet Me At The Hotel Bar" Buechler.
So let us all pay stoic homage to the Bulls' most valuable clandestine weapon: Jud Buechler, America's finest ever basketball player, living or dead.
BOOK REPORT
Troy: This is Troy Bailey with SCNN's new feature, Book Report. I'm here with Mitch Walker, author of an exciting new work of fiction, Intruder.
Mitch: Wow, you thought it was exciting?
Troy: Just my opinion. What's with the grilling?
Mitch: I'm sorry.
Troy: Your other books. Have they been doing well?
Mitch: This is my first novel.
Troy: I know.
Mitch: Above the title, it says "compelling debut novel."
Troy: So what?
Mitch: You didn't read my book.
Troy: I really wanted to read your book.
Mitch: Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Troy: You hate me. You're obviously mad that no one is reading your little book.
Mitch: People are reading my book!
Troy: I read a summary of it. I mean, people cheat on their wives. Is that really Earth shattering?
Mitch: Why are you attacking me?
Troy: You're very handsome.
Mitch: Thank you.
Troy: I wish our audience could see you. See your lips.
Mitch: Can I go?
Troy: Perhaps you should. I'm Troy Bailey with SCNN's soon to be cancelled "Book Report."
6/10/97
"Shakes" The Building
Timothy McVeigh's defense team called Linda Daigler to testify yesterday, who described McVeigh as "a clown." "He's funny," the cousin of the convicted bomber added. Ms. Daigler was called as part of the team's new strategy to portray the bombings as a practical joke that got "a bit out of hand."
Duke of Ire
Residents of the Gila River Indian Reservation near Phoenix are very upset at plans to change the name of Highway 347 to John Wayne Parkway. Maricopa County Officials say they regret offending members of the Pima and Maricopa tribes, and that they'd be glad to drop off a little more wampum and firewater at the edge of the reservation until the signs were in place.
Boys Will Tease Boys
The Supreme Court agreed Monday to decide if same sex sexual harassment is against federal law. They will soon consider the case of Joseph Oncale, who alleges he was harassed by other men during heterosexual "horseplay" on an oilrig in Louisiana. Oncale, in a statement, said, "While I'm not against 'horseplay' (except of course around the pool), this was the kind of thing that occurs in out-of-the-way bars in Tijuana. I mean those guys where really trying to give me the business."
Gates To The Future
In what have become daily announcements until he can control the sun and tides, Microsoft Cyclopean Protein Mass Bill Gates says that the Internet will keep growing and growing and transform communications in ways no one has thought of, except of course, Big Bill Gates. "I see the future," he actually said, not worrying about a lawsuit, "and in it, I have grown to forty feet tall. My feet are five feet long. When I walk, I have to make sure I do not crush the curved backs of my roustabouts, who must pick over 100 tons of elderberries every day to satiate my prodigious appentency. Plus, you'll be able to call anywhere in the world for a nickel, or a Bill, as they'll then be called."
Shop 'Til You Drop (The Website)
IBM is preparing to close the doors of its online shopping mall, World Avenue, which opened last year. Apparently, the web site was not bringing in much revenue and merchants wanted to get out because they heard "the 'blacks' were moving in."
Is 'Pop' Pooped?
U2's new concert tour has run into another snag. The Irish band will have to cancel what was to have been a big Dublin homecoming performance. The band says that it would just be too expensive to stage the huge show, even if ticket prices were raised to $53. A spokesman for Ireland, Mike, said, "We can't be paying $53 to see U2." His assistant, Paddy, said, "Sure, Mike's right. We can't be paying $53 to see U2." Wrapping up the "conference" Mike said, "Sure, that's what I just said. Thanks now. Godspeed."
Cash and Carey
Mariah Carey, who recently announced her confusion with the definition of "'til death do us part," is interested in an acting career. Studio heads are reportedly "ecstatic," as there is great demand for someone to fill the roles that require blank, expressionless faces and high frequency shrieking.
You Hockey Puck!
The San Jose Sharks, the Washington Capitals and the Phoenix Coyotes have named 3 new head coaches. However, they came up blank when asked to name the three branches of government.
Turning Japanese
In one of the biggest sports sponsorship deals to date, Japanese electronics giant Sony has announced an alliance with the National Basketball Association. Consumers can expect to see the NBA logo on Sony Playstation games and small Japanese men riding NBA players during games. "I nicknamed mine 'Shugi,'" said super super superstar Jud Buechler.
6/11/97
Testing 1,2,4
President Clinton is hailing a new study showing that American school children are performing above the international average in math and science. He went on to say that although the study was conducted here in the United States, to ensure the numbers were added correctly, the scores were sent to Japan.
Silver Charmed
A California man was convicted Wednesday of horse molestation, receiving a fine of $300. When asked about his plans after the conviction, the man replied, "I'm going to be very busy saving up another three hundred dollars."
Johnnie Law
With his lawyer Johnnie Cochran by his side, Elmer "Geronimo" Pratt was given his freedom after serving 25 years of a life sentence, convicted in 1972 of murdering a schoolteacher. The judge granted Pratt his freedom after it was revealed the prosecution's main witness was a police informant, and that Cochran would give the task of tracking down the real killer to his crime-fighting super-client O.J. Simpson.
Welcome To The Dollhouse
Although it has been well received, all is not well with Mattel's "Share a Smile Stacey," the new Barbie doll in a wheelchair. Apparently, the wheelchair will not negotiate the tight turns and doorways of her friend Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Mattel will alleviate this problem by introducing new "Free Estimate Matty," a contractor who comes equipped with a tape measure, hammer, and ridiculously inflated charges in order to cover his gambling problem.
Don't Leave Home...Ever
American Express and Software Cobbler Microsoft have unveiled an online travel reservations system aimed at corporate travelers. The jointly developed system is expected to reroute all airline flights to the golden city of Redmond, WA, where passengers will disembark, don a lei, and then have their greatest fantasies occur. "At first, they may be hesitant and confused," said Microsoft Bender and Shaper Bill Gates, "but soon they will view this place as paradise, ilycium on Earth, and that's when they will be strapped into their harnesses and placed on a wall so that I may enjoy a living, writhing, screaming sculpture. My pleasures are simple but complex."
S.S. RO?
In Switzerland, a new stage production is tackling the sensitive issue of anti-Semitism. The production, titled "I Don't Have Anything Against Jews, But..." premiered Monday. It will soon be followed by several other new works, including "I'm Not Saying Mexicans Eat A Lot Of Beans And Their Farts Smell, But..." and "Okay, I Am Saying Black People Talk Too Much In A Movie Theatre."
Italian Loafer
Italian financier Giancarlo Parretti, who tried to take over MGM in 1991, has been ordered to pay $1.5 billion following a conviction for evidence tampering and perjury. Parretti is on the run from US authorities, and the public is warned that this man is extremely smooth, with beautiful shoes. US authorities added older, gullible women are especially at risk, because no matter what he says, you are not "what he has been looking for his whole life," and do not let him borrow your 1985 Lincoln Park Avenue.
Air Apparent
Chicago Bulls superstar guard Michael Jordan relished the two day break before the NBA finals resumed in Utah, saying he was "mentally and physically exhausted." Not so much from playing basketball, though, but from counting his money.
Rising Son
Japanese pitcher Hideki Irabu, who signed a four-year, $12.8 million contract with the New York Yankees in May, was dominant in his long-awaited minor-league debut Tuesday night. He threw 42 pitches and was clocked consistently near 100 miles-per-hour. Meanwhile, the catcher is resting comfortably at Tampa Memorial Hospital where he underwent a procedure that takes fat from your ass and injects it into your palms.
6/13/97
The Darker The Berry, The Sweeter The Juice
President Clinton has appointed a board to assist him on racial matters, in order to try and improve race relations in the United States. Said the hazy President, "The purpose of this board is to be able to sum up the races in one or two sentences. When you know specifics, then you're on the road to understanding."
True Confessions
The Catholic Diocese of Orlando has decided to begin running criminal background checks on all future employees. Catholic officials admit their old policy of going to a cockfight and offering the job to the winner is probably inefficient and risky. "Chickens by their very nature resist office work," said Bishop McCorkindale, "and I'm pretty sure they don't believe in God."
Boys Will Tease Boys
The Supreme Court agreed this week to decide if same sex sexual harassment is against federal law. They will soon consider the case of Joseph Oncale, who alleges he was harassed by other men during heterosexual "horseplay" on an oilrig in Louisiana. Oncale, in a statement said, "While I'm not against 'horseplay' (except of course around the pool), this was the kind of thing that occurs at out of the way bars in Tijuana. I mean those guys where really trying to give me the business."
Silver Charmed
A California man was convicted Wednesday of horse molestation, receiving a fine of $300. When asked about his plans after the conviction, the man replied, "I'm going to be very busy saving up another three hundred dollars."
Welcome To The Dollhouse
Although it has been well received, all is not well with Mattel's "Share a Smile Stacey," the new Barbie doll in a wheelchair. Apparently, the wheelchair will not negotiate the tight turns and doorways of her friend Barbie's Malibu Dream House. Mattel will alleviate this problem by introducing new "Free Estimate Matty," a contractor who comes equipped with a tape measure, hammer, and ridiculously inflated charges in order to cover his gambling problem.
Copy Cat
Xerox today named Richard Thoman, the No. 2 executive at IBM, to the post of president and chief operating officer. In a related story, Xerox today named Richard Thoman, the No. 2 executive at IBM, to the post of president and chief operating officer.
The Cable Guy
In its most aggressive move to control the minds of all on Earth, gigantic mind bender Microsoft Corp. will invest $1 billion in Comcast Corporation, the nation's sixth largest cable television operator. When reached for comment at his hive-like sanctuary, Microsoft Giant Swollen Head Bill Gates stated, as dozens of workers groomed him and applied moisturizer, "I will make all in my image. Do not worry, as I will take care of you. Worship no other CEO before me. Come to me and be comforted."
I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got -- Talent
Sinead O'Connor has released a new album, "Gospel Oak", that is reported by her friend to be so soothing, it put her rambunctious dog to sleep. O'Connor told the New York Times that she took this as a compliment, although nothing was made of the fact that when the tape ended, the dog never woke up.
Season Of The Witch
CBS has renewed, "Late Late Show with Tom Snyder" for a fourth season. Snyder said, "CBS is a superb network and I get paid to talk to interesting people every night." Snyder then went on for 43 minutes about a lunch meat sandwich he ate in Columbus Ohio and was subsequently fired.
Six Feet Under The Rainbow
Had she lived, legendary pill-popper Judy Garland would be celebrating her 75th birthday this week. Says her biographer John Fricke; "Her career didn't end when she died- it just keeps galloping along." When informed of this, her agent said, "Really? I sure did have a hard time getting her auditions after she died. I don't know if her career died, but my commissions sure slowed down."
Ump's Ire
Mike DiMuro, the only American baseball umpire in the Japanese league, is quitting after an incident in which a player poked him in the chest with a bat, and hordes of angry players surrounded him. DiMuro said he'd finally had enough, and he was greatly relieved that the Japanese always form a circle around their enemy and attack one at a time.
Interleague Of Their Own
Interleague play has finally begun in Major League Baseball and the players, at first wary, were delighted to find the players in the other league were exactly like their own. "I've heard a lot about those American Leaguers," said some jag from the San Diego Padres, " but they drip tobacco juice down their chins just like us."
6/16/97
Trial Buzz
In interviews this week, the jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial explained their procedure and efficiency in coming to their decisions in the Oklahoma bomber's trial. All their deliberations pointed to one thing- the haircut. The haircut of a madman.
Sentence Fragment
Stool pigeon James McDougal, President Clinton's former business partner in the failed Whitewater real estate deal, begins serving a three-year sentence today. He could have received 80 years, but after his conviction, surrendered information to prosecutors. It is unknown what facts he provided about the First "Couple," but as the President said, "if it shaved 77 years off his sentence, it's got to include everything but the color of my underwear."
Overdue?
In New Jersey police are searching for the mother of a newborn girl abandoned outside Grove Avenue Library Saturday. Police are stumped as prom season has been over for 2 weeks.
Gladly Pay You Tuesday
On a sad note, Rally's Hamburgers Inc. and Checkers Drive-in Restaurants have scrapped plans to merge in order to take on such fast food giants as McDonalds. The companies reached an impasse in negotiations when it was realized that it would cost an additional 39 cents to supersize the merger.
Desk Toppled?
Microsoft has announced it will roll out a new breed of business desktop computers for a little as $1,000. Maniacal Microsoft monarch Bill Gates will then roll out an army of cyborg chimera servants who will strip the will of Earth dwellers. "I will no longer abide by nature's laws!" Gates said. "The very air we breathe will be an escalator unto my feet, allowing my sinewy nude form to quell the unbridled arrogance of the birds!"
Model Citizen
Super supermodel Naomi Campbell collapsed in the Canary Islands over the weekend and was then hospitalized. Despite a statement from the hospital saying it was a drug overdose, her lawyer claims it was an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Other supermodels were dumbfounded when they heard the news, and they were dumbfounded before they heard the news.
"Spare" A Change Of Clothes?
Some people celebrated the premiere of the film "Dream with the Fishes" by engaging in one of the plot twists-nude bowling. Those naked scored significantly higher scores than those clothed. Said a bowler in a three-piece suit, "Of course they scored higher. It's easy to throw a strike with a hood ornament out in front of you."
Kerr-Nel Of Truth
The Chicago Bulls won their fifth championship in seven years Friday when Steve Kerr sealed the deal with a 14-footer. Kerr said he was looking forward to the time off, because "carrying this team on my shoulders like I've been doing for two years takes a toll." Asked if he thought Jordan and Pippen would return, Kerr said, "I don't care, I'll play with a manatee. If he can get the ball in my hands, we're going for six next year."
To Els And Back
With President Clinton watching, Ernie Els won his second US Open by finishing at 4 under par for the tournament, defeating saggy-breasted runner up Colin Montgomerie by one stroke. Montgomerie claims he would have won, but on Sunday, he only had his "C cup game."
The Littlest Angel: Mary Lynn Rajskub from HBO's Larry Sanders, Comedy Central, and even her own HBO Comedy Special, and just cute as a bug's ear, will bless Second City Naked News with another landmark interview. The Smooth Wooden Ball will verbally probe, dig, and take her to the mat until Mary Lynn screams, "That wasn't the deal! THAT WASN'T THE DEAL! Seriously though, Ms. Rajskub is real funny, and about to become real famous.
7/03/97 (Fourth of July Show)
Blanket Party
A federal judge has struck down the military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy for homosexuals, saying it unconstitutionally imposes special rules on gay groups. Constitutionally, the judge said, the rule should apply to all sexual orientations putting an end to the time-honored elbow in your buddy's ribs and an affectionate "Huh? Huh? You like that? You want that?"
Metamucil Chaser
The University of Michigan reports recent research revealing that older drivers and drinking don't mix. The report goes on to state that being old and driving also does not mix; as well as old age and interesting, concise story telling. Motorists worldwide mourn the loss of our anxious, drowsy, elderly drivers.
Burning Bush
In West Virginia, Rev. Gerry White, the pastor of Lighthouse Baptist Church, said his church is offering to help strippers train for other jobs. The Reverend said to the flock of giggling reporters, "I'm offering to be totally hands-on to get the program off the ground." As the stifled laughter became more evident, the Reverend said, "I'm serious. This program just sort of fell into my lap." The giggles turned into guffaws, and the Reverend closed by throwing a smoke bomb on the ground and escaped through a secret trap door.
Taking Charge
There may be a new plane on the credit card soon. Following the enormous success of grocery store check-out charging, some fast-food chains have begun to accept Visa cards in order to drive up sales from cash strapped customers. This was the plan opted for over the "C'mon, Spot Me a Twenty" proposal, where the customer would be allowed to borrow money directly from his cashier if he swore to pay him back when his check came.
Excelsior!
Toy Biz, which sells toys based on Marvel Comic Book characters, says it now has two Boards of Directors due to a power struggle resulting from Marvel bankruptcy squabbles. However, the toy maker feels reluctant to take orders from a board that keeps sending faxes addressed to "dolts" ordering them to "make toys or be destroyed in the name of Dr. Doom."
Clearblue Velvet
David Lynch, creator of such offbeat fare as Blue Velvet and Twin Peaks, has directed a commercial for the Clearblue Easy One-Minute at-Home Pregnancy Test. The ad, shot in black and white, extols the virtues of the device, which can tell in sixty seconds if a spirit from the Black Lodge disguised as your father has gotten you pregnant.
Horse Play
Rick Danko, former bassist for rock group The Band, told a Japanese court Wednesday that his arrest on drug smuggling charges was a mistake. Danko said he asked his wife by telephone to send him some "medication," thinking she understood he meant codeine, only to receive a package of heroin, resulting in his arrest. Danko told the court that this was not the first time his wife and he had a misunderstanding like this; in the early seventies he mentioned that he was "curious," only to find a nude David Bowie awaiting in his bedroom.
Box On The Box
Clueless network CBS has purchased the rights to replay the Tyson-Holyfield non-fight for $750,000. If ratings are good, they expect to look in to buying the rights to air classic rained out Major League baseball games, replay USFL pre-season games and televise the WNBA.
The Artist Soon To Be Known As 'Orgasm'
Rumors are swirling through the NBA that Dennis Rodman will seek offers from other teams. The teams that are currently in the market for a selfish, emotionally fragile, oft suspended, single dimensional undersized power forward past his prime and distracted by his own fame are reportedly intrigued, but are concerned they can't meet his price.
6/09/97
The Last Boy Scout
The jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial returned to court today to weigh his punishment. The defense is trying to counter the prosecutors' image of McVeigh by showing that during his youth and early adulthood, he was just like millions of other Americans. He laughed, he cried, and every Fourth of July he taped a gross of M-80's to a Tonka truck and parked it outside his sister's dollhouse.
Bad Rap
Texas is poised to become the first state to ban its agencies from investing in companies whose music groups release gangsta rap. Gov. George W. Bush said in a statement that he is "excited" by the proposed bill, which will hopefully curb violence in Texas. He then stripped down to a wifebeater T-shirt, turned on a Johnny Cash tape, and scooted away to his NRA meeting.
The Cable Guy
In its most aggressive move to control the minds of all on Earth, gigantic mind bender Microsoft Corp. will invest $1 billion in Comcast Corporation, the nation's sixth largest cable television operator. When reached for comment at his hive-like sanctuary, Microsoft Giant Swollen Head Bill Gates stated, as dozens of workers groomed him and applied moisturizer, "I will make all in my image. Do not worry as I will take care of you. Worship no other CEO before me. Come to me and be comforted."
The Gayest Place On Earth
There was something different this weekend about the crowd at Disney World in Orlando, Florida - perhaps it was the man in a black patent leather miniskirt and pink rhinestone mouse ears. Since 1991 hundreds of Orlando area gays have celebrated gay days there. Homophobic vacationers found it appalling to see a couple of Mickeys holding hands but were aroused by two Minnies kissing.
Flailing Extremities
Farrah Fawcett's behavior on the David Letterman Show has prompted a response from her publicist. Fawcett missed her entrance cue, stared at the fake skyline thinking it was a window, and needed help getting into her chair. Apparently, she had just had an encounter with Ryan O'Neal, and dropped her left, leaving her open to one of O'Neal's lethal right crosses. "I've popped her a lot with that," O'Neal said, "You think she would know by now."
Not Fonda Him
Although they were Harley riding buddies in "Easy Rider," Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda have long been arguing over the profits from the film and are not friends. Said Fonda, "My wife won't even allow Hopper's name to be spoken in our house." His wife then screamed from upstairs, "What did you just say? What did I tell you? I'm going to come down there!"
Not A Bellyitcher
In baseball news, Dodger manager Bill Russell had another shouting match with one of his pitchers this weekend; this time with Pedro Astacio, who exited by kicking a bucket of sunflower seeds and banging a bat against the wall. An embarrassed Astacio, after the game, commented, "I made a mistake. Those sunflower seeds are for all the guys on the team. I was mad at Russell, not the seeds themselves. How could anyone be angry at an innocent bucket of seeds? They're so delicious."
Ump's Ire
Mike DiMuro, the only American baseball umpire in the Japanese league, is quitting after an incident in which a player poked him in the chest with a bat, and hordes of angry players surrounded him. DiMuro said he'd finally had enough, and he was greatly relieved that the Japanese always form a circle around their enemy and attack one at a time.
Faced with the start of formal audits of their wartime accounts next week, Switzerland’s banks have told investigators that they discovered hundreds of accounts that may have belonged to Holocaust victims. No wonder the bastards stayed out of the war, they were holding the proverbial purse. Of course they’ll pay every last penny back. And while you’re at it you can start filling the wholes in the crummy cheese you’ve been sellin’ us.
President Clinton is hailing a new study showing that American school children are performing above the international average in math and science. He went on to say that although the study was conducted here in the United States, to ensure the numbers were added up correctly, the scores were sent to Japan.
Mass murderer Charles Manson was found guilty of trafficking drugs in prison and has had his visitation, dayroom and commissary privileges restricted. There has been quarreling among the administration at the facility over who’s gonna tell him.
Oregon has joined 35 other states seeking restitution for health care spending related to smoking. Oregon's complaint, filed yesterday in Portland, charges the tobacco industry illegally targeted minors and made fraudulent claims in its’ advertising. The state says millions of Oregon’s people started smoking because they thought it would make them a cowboy.
Thousands of boxes of human ashes that a pilot was paid to scatter over oceans and mountaintops were found stacked in a storage shed and a plane hangar for years, infuriating families of the deceased. Investigators are looking for Al Vieira, the 52 year old pilot who charged funeral homes cut-rate prices of as little as $60. Authorities claim the remains can never be returned to their rightful owners because all the names on the boxes say Al.
United Cinemas Intl. continues its aggressive push in Germany with another six multiplexes.
Chicago Bulls superstar guard Michael Jordan relishes the two day break before the NBA finals resume tonight in Utah, saying he is “mentally and physically exhausted.” Not so much from playing basketball but from counting his money.
Japanese pitcher Hideki Irabu, who signed a four-year, $12.8 million contract with the New York Yankees in May, was dominant in his long-awaited minor-league debut Tuesday night for Class-A Tampa. He threw 42 pitches and was clocked consistently near 100 miles-per-hour. The catcher is resting comfortably at Tampa Memorial Hospital were he underwent a procedure that takes fat from your ass and injects it into your palms.
Drag Queen RuPaul has extended his hosting deal for “The RuPaul Show” on VH1, signing a three year deal for the celebrity interview program. The show will do vignettes like “The Crying Dating Game” and “This Old Wig.”
06.16.97
As he attempts to mount a defense in his sexual harrassment case, Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, the highest ranked enlisted man in the Army, spoke of how he relates to the soldiers below him. “I know what they’re going through even when they have to eat green eggs,” he actually said, swear to God. He added, “Have you ever eaten green eggs?” At that point, the press conference was put on hold for a while as baby boomer reporters expressed fondness and joy for Dr. Suess and the joys of green eggs and ham on a plane or a train.
The jury in the Timothy McVeigh trial explained their procedure and effieciency in coming to their decisions in the Oklahoma bomber’s trial. All their deliberations pointed to one thing- the haircut. The haircut of a madman.
The White House is set to ease its stance on smut on the Internet. Emerging from a darkened room, his hair amuss, the President issued this statement, “The decision on what is pornography and what is not is up to the individual. You may like S & M, while I may be more of a hot lesbian foursome guy. You say “tomato” and I like “tomatoes,” and I think you know what I’m saying about the tomatoes.”
Northwest Airlines is preparing a nearly $2 billion order of 50 small jets from Airbus Industrie as replacements for Northwest’s current 727’s. Northwest, upon completion of the order of 50 planes, will receive a free “Dorf on Golf” video.
One hundred and forty five people aboard Sun Pacific charter flight 809 where forced to evacuate by sliding down an emergency chute after smoke filled the cabin of the Boeing 727. No injuries where reported however plenty of, “Whee’s!” where reported by passengers as the slid down the chute.
The Southern Baptists Convention in a response of the 7th annual Gay and Lesbian Day at Walt Disney World will vote on a boycott of Disney products. A spokesman for Disney said, “We won’t be swayed by the boycott because Disney does not judge anyone by their sexual preferences but by how many T-shirts they buy.”
In New Jersey police are searching for the mother of a newborn girl abandoned outside a Grove Avenue Saturday. Police are stumped as prom season has been over for 2 weeks.
The Chatfield Reservoir in Denver has been reopened after closing it for 25 hours because of high levels of the E. coli bacteria. A spokesman lifting a glass of reservoir water said, “It was the 25 hour kind of E. coli everything is fine now.
In Columbus, Georgia the state has not banned but recommended people eat reduced amount of fish contaminated with the industrial runoff of mercury. The Department of Natural Resources coincidentally unveiled it’s newest add campaign, “Columbus salmon: Take a bite to see if your temperature is at ninety eight point seven.”
Tomorrow is the 25th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. The bungled crime forced President Richard Nixon to resign. The White House will celebrate by staging mock break-ins on the White House lawn. Those who attend are asked to keep the 10th anniversary in mind and are encouraged to watch their wallets.
Stool pigeon James McDougal, President Clinton’s former business partner in the failed Whitewater real estate deal, heads for the “gray-bar hotel” today to begin serving a three-year sentence. He could have received more than 80 years, but after he was convicted he sang like a bird. It’s unknown what he spilled about President Clinton and First Lady Hillary but the President said, “If it shaved 77 years off his sentence it’s got to be everything including the color of my underwear.”
Prince Charles should end his relationship with Camilla Parker Bowles or abdicate his claim to the throne, a senior clergyman said Sunday. “We are not going to have a confessed adulterer as supreme head of the Church of England, he must keep his gropings inside the confessionals like the rest of us. Now where’s that house boy with those hot towels?!”
In a related story the Church of England will confront the controversial issue of gay priests at a General Synod next month. The issue threatens to provoke the fiercest controversy in the church since its 1992 decision to approve the ordination of women. Up to 300 male priests left in protest. They had this to say about next months’ talks: “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
President Clinton this week says he needs time to decide whether the government should formally apologize to blacks for 100 years of slavery. Senate Republican leader Trent Lott said he would vote against such a measure, saying, “I think we should have an apology for what’s happening in America today.” Penny Marshall, after hearing this, immediately offered blacks an apology for time wasted watching “The Preacher’s Wife.” In a related story, the apology was not accepted.
On a sad note, Rally’s Hamburgers Inc. and Checkers Drive-in Restaurants have scrapped plans to merge in order to take on such fast food giants as McDonalds. The companies reached an impasse in negotiations when it was realized that it would cost an additional 39 cents to supersize the merger.
Microsoft has announced it will roll out a new breed of business desktop computers for a little as $1,000. Maniacal Microsoft monarch Bill Gates will then roll out an army of cyborg chimera servants who will strip the will of Earth dwellers. “I will no longer abide by nature’s laws!” Gates said. “The very air we breathe will be an escalator unto my feet, allowing my sinewy nude form to quell the unbridled arrogance of the birds!”
Super supermodel Naomi Campbell collapsed in the Canary Islands over the weekend and was hospitalizeed, treated, and released. Despite a statement from the hospital saying it was a drug overdose, her lawyer claims it was an allergic reaction to antibiotics. Other supermodels were dumbfounded when they heard the news, and they were dumbfounded before they heard the news.
British supermodel Naomi Campbell was discharged from a hospital in the Canary Islands Sunday after receiving emergency treatment for what a hospital official described as a drug overdose. Campbell reportedly was in the Canary Islands with Joaquin Cortes, a flaminco dancer with whom she insists she had to pop pills to keep up with.
Some people in Hollywood think Chris O’Donnell needs acting lessons—but he’s not one of them. O’Donnell who plays Boy Wonder said he tried it and They were all rolling around on the ground, it was dumb. Unlike Boy Wonder. His agent has been pushing him to do it along with almost everyone who’s ever directed him, saying, it could only add to his natural ability. You can only hide behind tights and a mask for so long.
Some people celebrated the premiere of the film “Dream with the Fishes” by engaging in one of the plot twists—nude bowling. Those naked scored significantly higher scores than those clothed. Said a bowler in a three piece suit, “of course they scored higher. It’s easy to throw a strike with a hood ornament out in front of you.”
Two members of the “popular” rap group Naughty By Nature were released from a New York jail after posting $1,000 bail each. The two were arrested for several crimes, including possession of guns. Meanwhile, two members of similar rap group Naughty By Nurture sat around complaining about how their mothers never paid any attention to them.
With President Clinton watching, Ernie Els won his second US Open by finishing at 4 under par for the tournament, defeating saggy breasted runner up Colin Montgomerie by one stroke. Montgomerie claims he would have won, but on Sunday, he only had his C cup game.
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Michael Irvin is being charged with assault as Aaron Waller, accuses him of forcing him into a basement of a strip club and hitting him until finally, security guards arrived. Irvin believes that there was a mixup, as he explained that he thought his $100 had bought him both a table dance and a basement beating.
Well, the Utah Jazz left Chicago as losers but when they returned to Utah, they found 20,000 screaming adoring fans at the airport to welcome them. The Jazz players were obviously moved by the display, but were still losers.
The Chicago Bulls won their fifth championship in seven years Friday when Steve Kerr sealed the deal with a 14-footer. Kerr said he was looking forward to the time off, because “carrying this team on my shoulders like I’ve been doing for two years takes a toll.” Asked if he thought Jordan and Pippen would return, Kerr said, “I don’t care, I’ll play with a manatee. If he can get the ball in my hands, we’re going for six next year.”
06.17.97
A Cincinnati mother pleaded innocent to child neglect as she was spending up to 12 ours a day on the Internet. The accuser Sandra Hacker said, “It’s a lie if my children ever needed me all they had to do is type in www.Mommy@home.com.
OR
It’s a lie my children Jeffrey@hacker.com and Kathy@hacker.com after the sweet pants chat room are the most important things in my life.
A Judge ruled O.J. Simpson’s golf equipment should be sold at auction to help pay off the $32.5 million judgement against him over the deaths of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman. Simpson’s attorney, Ronald Slates, argued that golf was an essential part of Simpson’s life as he plays 4 or 5 times a week. The judge in his ruling pointed out life was a big part of Nicole and Ron’s life and that Mr. Simpson should keep his mouth shut.
A Washington State hiker, lost in the Olympic National Park for nine days, said the sound of flutes and bagpipes led him to rescuers. A park ranger said the man was hallucinatory, clearly demonstrated by the fact that when he heard bagpipes, he followed them.
Michael Kennedy reportedly took and passed a privately given polygraph test to prove he is innocent of sleeping with an underage baby-sitter. This comes as little surprise to Massachusetts’s voters who for years have elected Kennedys to office for their strict moral guidance and unwavering devotion to the Kennedy women.
This week marks the 25th anniversary of Title IX, a groundbreaking landmark legislation that bans sex discrimination in schools. Since the inception of Title IX, women’s professional basketball leagues have grown from zero to two.
A Saudi suspect in the truck bombing that killed 19 US servicemen in Saudi Arabia last year could be headed to the United States. There have been delays because the suspect, Hani Abdel-Rahim, keeps making jokes about explosives as he goes through the metal detector.
Lawyers for Oklahoma City co-defendant Terry Nichols say their client was a victim of convicted bomber Timothy McVeigh. However, unlike the other 168 victims, Nichols still walks the earth and has mass, while the other victims are in the afterlife, licking their chops, waiting for McVeigh to join them.
President Clinton is very busy trying to raise money to get the Democratic Party out of debt. On the same night, the President addressed a Democratic National Committee African-American leadership dinner and then headed to a second DNC dinner with the National Jewish Democratic Council. Said the haggard President, “Better food and dancing at the first one, lot more Jews at the second.”
House Republicans intend to begin a fresh drive this week to shut down the National Endowment for the Arts. House Speaker Newt Gingrich suggested that wealthy artists donate a small percentage of their earnings to finance struggling artists. An N.E.A. spokesperson called Newt to explain to him that those artists are dead.
After wandering through Olympic National Park for nine days, it was the sound of imaginary flutes and bagpipes that led a lost hiker to his rescuers. Chris Wearstler, of Port Angeles crawled into a camp full of rescuers Sunday morning as they sat drinkin’ and playing cards. The hiker suffered from dehydration and exhaustion. “You and me both,” slurred one of the rescuers.
For most 24-year-olds, financial planning is an alien concept. But California’s Jim Winner, first lieutenant in the Air Force and soon-to-be judge advocate general, commonly referred to as a JAG lawyer, is an exception. This JAG often has been setting aside money for college educations for the children he hopes to have, who may one day grow up to be JAGs just like their proud papa, a truly incredible JAG off in his own right.
Kentucky Fried Chicken announced that customers would see a bolder, friendlier Col. Sanders in July when the franchise changes it’s founders image on corporate logos. A chicken spokesman said, “Americans won’t be fooled. They realize this man is the anti-Christ.” An hour later, he was devoured in a fresh and flavorful Chicken Caesar.
Big City Bagels, Inc. today announced that it had filed a registration statement with the Securities and Exchange Commission to register securities in connection with an intended reduction in the exercise price of the company’s outstanding Class A redeemable Common Stock Purchase Warrants. In layman’s terms, bagels are ready!
H.J. Heinz, the beloved ketchup making company, today is repoting a loss of nearly $230 million in the first quarter of 1997. The Pittsburgh-based ketchup maker has told stockholders that it has tried everything to get some profits out of the company, including such rash measures as hitting the bottom of it and sticking a knife in it.
The research arm of Microsoft plans to invest $80 million to establish a reesearch at Cambridge University. Microsoft Big Dick Bill Gates could not be reached for comment, as his giant flaming phone was off the hook.
Former Air Force lieutenant/bombshell Kelly Flinn, who has been on the minds of all red-blooded American men recently, has signed a deal to publish her story in “book” format this fall. Tentative titles for the tome include Hey, I Slept with Somebody! and Drop and Give Me Twenty…Kisses.
OR -- Co-editor Ann Godoff says the treatise will be “surprising and very human.” She, of course, is referring to the surprise ending where Flinn is revealed to be, in fact, human, instead of a boot-knockin’ android programmed solely for gettin’ it on.
The MacArthur Foundation this week awarded twenty-three people nearly $6 million in so-called “genius” grants, including Lee Breuer, a playwright whose most recent work combines the story of Peter Pan with Scottish folk music, Bunraku puppetry and Javanese shadow puppetry. This comes on the heels of Breuer’s previous award, the so-called “arty-crafty snooze-inducer” grant.
“Sexy” superstar Michael Flatley, the self-proclaimed “Lord of the Dance,” filed for divorce this week in the middle of a national tour. Flatley, when reached for comment in-between moments of grotesque posturing, replied, “I canna be tied down to one wooman! I’m Lord of the freakin’ Dance, people! D’ye know wha’ tha’ means? I’m a freakin’ pooosey magnet, don’t ye know!” Flatley then clogged into oblivion, forever to live in the hearts and minds of his “fans.”
Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow have broken off their engagement. A publicist for the couple said the split was amicable however it has yet to be decided who will get custody of the hair style they have been sharing.
Movie-goers ignored critics to make Speed 2 the highest grossing weekend film. If profitable, the makers are prepared for a second sequel concerning a high-voltage joy-buzzer strapped to a pair of roller skates.
A new album is being released that features the unlikely collaboration between Indian-born guitarist Sanjay Mishra and formerly living Grateful Dead member Jerry Garcia. The album, “Blue Incantation,” features some of the final recordings by Garcia, who had heard Mishra’s demo tape and offered his assistance on the album. Already, a tour is in the works and hundreds of thousands of “Mishra Fishes,” fanatical former DeadHeads who were almost forced to go to work, are gearing up to follow Sanjay Mishra around the country, dancing like jagoffs and smelling and not spaying their dogs.
Sinead O’Connor received death threats over an upcoming festival in Jerusalem called “Sharing Jerusalem: Two Capitals for Two States.” They said if she performs under that headline they will shoot her. She decided not to go when the Vatican refused to lend her the Pope Mobile.
The US Open this weekend saw a dramatic 4-way dual for the victory eventually won by Ernie Els and the debut Open appearance by Tiger Woods, helping the event to it’s highest television ratings in a decade. The ecstatic Open chairman said, “This years tournament really gave bird watching and napping a run for its money! Open Fever, Baby! Feel the burn!”
06.18.97
The 15.7 million-member Southern Baptist Convention, angered by “Gay Days” at Disney theme parks, the extension of health benefits to partners of gay employees and the episode of “Ellen” on Disney owned ABC are voting today on whether to boycott Disney theme parks. The general public had this to say, “we are saddened to think of how much shorter the lines will be without the Southern Baptists. The cotton candy and prizes and song and dance will mean nothing. We’ll just have to try to get through it. It’s these trying times that bring us closer together.”
A North Korean military spokesman warned the United States and South Korea today it was ready for a “final battle” with them, accusing the two of planning an attack while it was weakened by a food shortage. He then recanted saying he’s just a little hypoglycemic and he’ll never make another statement on an empty stomach.
98 year-old Gyda Kaland ended up on Norways military reservist roster because she bought a new tractor. Norway maintains a list of useful civilian vehicles and may summon them and their owners to active service in wartime. Gyda, or as she’s called because of her spunk “Granny,” said no wonder that yellow-bellied sack-scratching son of mine wanted it in my name.
A woman who began growing facial hair after using Rogaine for hair loss is suing for $1.5 million. Gloria Mosesson, 73, is suing Pharmacia and Upjohn Inc., the maker of Rogaine, claiming it caused “heavy, dark, beard-like growth ... starting at about eyebrow level and extending down to the chin area.” Mosesson, or as her friends call her, “wolf,” filed the lawsuit Monday in Manhattan saying “I wanted to file it while the moon was in the gibbous phase. You ride that subway into the city all furry like I get on the full moon, no one gives up their seat.”
The United Nations believes that the information can help the poor. The International Fund for Agricultural Development, or WNBA, is working on databanks that would allow the rural poor in isolated areas to communicate with one another so they can share stories about being poor, exchange poor recipes, and enter into “Poor Adults Only” chat rooms. (“If you’re under 18 or not destitute, go back now!”)
A Saudi suspect in the truck bombing that killed 19 US servicemen in Saudi Arabia last year has finally arrived in the United States. There have been delays because the suspect, Hani Abdel-Rahim, kept making jokes about explosives as he was going through the airport metal detector.
Traveling comedian Vinson Champ was ordered to stand trial of charges of rape of a woman at the University of Nebraska at Omaha. He is also a suspect in campus rapes in Iowa, Illinois, Wisconsin and California. Police officials said while at first they where unsure the comedian was a suspect, but his modus operandi of thanking his victims for showing up and then asking them to drop off their business cards in his “fishbowl”, led them to suspect the wily college comedian.
The NAACP in South Carolina has called for the city’s 58,000 blacks who have an estimated $1.3 billion in daily spending power, to boycott white owned businesses Saturday. “We’re not worrying,” a spokesman for South Carolina’s Haggis Association said, “I mean if I where a chicken place or a rib shack we’d really be sweating the boycott out-- but no one likes haggis.”
The United Nations Chief Kofi Annan harshly criticized the United States for not paying all of its back dues. He warned that if the U.S. did not pay the other $500 million the country owes, it might miss out on the UN Democracy/Socialist sock-hop or field a team for the UN summer softball league .
Home Shopping Network has launched an online auction on the Web. Internet Shopping Network Chief Executive Officer Kirk Loevner said, “our focus is computers, consumer electronics and general merchandise” that I wouldn’t buy if you put a gun to my head. But we’re appealing to that white trash, trailer park, tire burnin’, generic brand cigarette smokin’ flem hackin’ Joe that only dreams of owning a double-wide one day. We should do well.
British Telecom and merger partner MCI launched a transmission service for U.S. satellite television broadcasters. The company hopes to win a 30% share of the $250 million U.S. market. Satellite users are said to be reticent, but will not rush to judgement until they are sure The Benny Hill Show plays no part in the deal.
Joe Camel is suing the Federal Trade Commission. RJ Reynolds is accusing the FTC of politically motivated harassment in its campaign to have the cartoon figure banned. If Joe is victorious, a wave of cartoon characters seeking justice is expected, beginning with a class action defamation suit against Disney on behalf of Clarabell.
The talks between dozens of states and the tobacco industry are in a crisis. State Attorneys General say they will walk out of the talks if the tobacco industry does not agree on three issues. The tobacco industry, ever helpful, has suggested that if the Attorneys General do walk out, they should light up a satisfying smoke, relax, and then come back inside.
Southern Baptists have decided to organize a boycott of the Walt Disney Company because the Baptists believe that many of Disney’s policies, including domestic partner benefits, theme park “Gay Days,” and the whole “Ellen” thing, are too “gay-friendly.” A too-tolerant Disney spokesman, upon hearing of the boycott, said, “Boycott? That would be a fabulous new name for Epcot.”
Kenneth Branagh has announced plans for his new film, “The Theory of Flight,” about a man, played by Branagh, who is “hiding from life.” Shooting is slated to start later this month, with audiences hiding from the movie by the beginning of the year.
Former Air Force lieutenant/bombshell Kelly Flinn, who has been on the minds of all red-blooded American men recently, has signed a deal to publish her story in “book” format this fall. Tentative titles for the tome include Hey, I Slept with Somebody! and Drop and Give Me Twenty…Kisses.
Recent widow Candice Bergen has chosen to omit her name from Emmy contention once again this year in the category of lead actress in a “comedy” series. “Let someone else have a chance,” the star was quoted as saying. “I’m far too talented to steal this award away from someone who really deserves it; like Helen Hunt who, by the way, the author of this ‘joke’ saw naked in The Waterdance.”
One hit uber wonder Jakob Dylan in an interview for Details magazine he never reads his fan mail because his lawyers told him not to. “I mean that one letter has been sitting around here for a while but for me it’s always going to be about the money never the music. So if my lawyer tells me to do something you can damn well bet I’m going to do it.”
After weeks of rumors that a chance was in the works NBC has recast it’s sitcom “Men Behaving Badly” as both Ron Eldard and Justine Bateman will be replaced. An NBC spokesman assured viewers, “The show will still suck but there will be some new people sucking it up. Don’t forget the anchor of all suckdum Rob “Sucky” Schneider will be returning to the helm the SS. Suckest suck suck suck, or as we call it Men Behaving Badly.
Future Hall of Fame wide out Art Monk has announced his retirement from the NFL. This was a stunning announcement that shocked many around the league, who did not realize he had be playing for the last six years.
In the first regular season subway series between the Yankees and the Mets, it’s tied at a game apiece after the Yankees, behind the strong arm of David Wells, beat the Mets 6-3. After the game, Wells unveiled his time machine that his great grandfather, H.G. Wells, has handed down through the family and also introduced the Yankees’ newest weapon, a 19 year old Babe Ruth, fresh from a Baltimore boys’ home and eager to sample 1997 hot dogs.
Chicago Bulls chairman Jerry Reinsdork, says he won’t discuss the future of coach Phil Jackson and deity Michael Jordan until the team decides what to do with the strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen. The Bulls could trade Pippen, but Reinsdorf acknowledges that it would be hard to fill the shoes of Pippen, who rebounds, plays defense, passes well, and has a crazy flat long face.
Mike Tyson is expected to command a $30 million purse for his rematch fight for the Heavyweight Championship June 28th. Tyson is believed to be the main draw because apparently there’s a lot of tune-in value for convicted rapists. Not to mention the role model he is to this country’s youth for having failed his G.E.D. while in prison. Since his release from prison in 1995, millions of men who have wives and daughters have taken hard earned cash from their paychecks to elevate the boxer into the biggest pay-per-view draw in history. Did I mention he’s fighting the well spoken gentleman who knocked him down in the 11th round last year, Reigning Heavyweight Champion Evander Holyfield?
A felony gun charge against Chicago Bears player Alonzo Spellman was thrown out Tuesday by a Cook County judge. Circuit Judge Nicholas Pomaro ruled that Illinois state police had no legal right to search Spellman’s Mercedes Benz when they stopped him for speeding. Had it been a Green Bay Packer there would have been just cause.
06.19.97
British Muslims hailed what was described as a “miracle message” from God written inside a tomato. When school girl Shaista Javed, 14, sliced the tomato in half, she found the message spelled out in Arabic in its veins. On one side she read “There is only one God,” while the other said “Mohammed is the messenger.” Sources close to Shaista, mainly just her parents now that she’s reading tomatoes, said we are proud of our daughter. I mean look at Bernadette, people came to believe her. Shaista loves “The Song of Bernadette,” that’s all she watches, literally, she’s been out of her room once since we rented it and that was just to read the tomato.
Leona Helmsley may have put a “for sale” sign on her $5 billion real estate portfolio which includes skyscrapers, apartment buildings, shopping centers, hotels, Park Place, Boardwalk, electric, water works and-- she’s the banker. Of course she wants to sell. The game’s over, she owns everything, everything but a get out of jail free card.
Mathematicians and religious historians worldwide are astounded by what has become commonly known as “the bible codes,” messages about future world events supposedly encoded in the ancient passages of the Torah. Scientists now say that they have made another surprising discovery: if you start playing Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon during The Ten Commandments, Charlton Heston looks like he’s kind of dancing along during one part.
Republicans on the House committee investigating campaign fund-raising scandals have voted their chairman wide unilateral powers this week. The powers, including the abilities to cloud men’s minds and to discern what kind of cereal someone is eating, are supposedly going to come in “handy.”
A California Superior Judge this week denied an attempt by O.J. Simpson’s lawyer to characterize a $6,000 lamp as “ordinary and necessary” to Simpson’s household. “When I go home, I’m going to ask my wife if we have any $6,000 lamps,” said Judge Irving Shimer. “Not because I want to know about the lamps,” he went on to say, “but because it’s nice to know I still have a wife, and that I haven’t murdered and left her in a pool of coagulated blood.”
A new study suggests that people leave their genetic fingerprints, their DNA, all over such common objects as pens, keys, coffee mugs, Heisman trophies, unfound knives, front gates, carpeting of a sport-utility vehicle, and other things. The report went on to say that DNA could also be found on sidewalks in front of Beverly Hills condos. And a stray glove. And black socks. (Carl) That’s quite a thorough study.
Sirhan Sirhan, convicted assassin of Senator Robert Kennedy, was denied parole for a tenth time. “I believe I’m innocent of this crime,” he said. He also believes that Ted Kennedy is excellent Presidential potential, thus proving to the parole board that he doesn’t know right from the Kennedys.
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in response to President Clinton’s non-response on race relations, has outlined a ten-point plan to promote racial healing. After delivering the speech, Gingrich got into his car, locked the doors, rolled up the windows, and tried not to make eye contact.
Two wealth San Francisco interior decorators have been accused of laundering money for the Cali drug cartel. Police began the investigation of the two interior decorators when they noticed a wicker chair paired with a mahogany plant holder. “I had to turn away,” said an aghast investigator.
OJ Simpson’s Heisman Trophy has been found and will be sold as part of the civil settlement. Simpson’s trophy was found in a box along with A.C. Cowling’s “I Have a Famous Friend” trophy. The two trophies claim that they were not trying to get away but just wanted to visit the site where OJ’s mother’s “Most Affable Bridge Partner” trophy was stored.
The U.S. trade deficit in April rose 7.8% to $8.4 billion, as record exports were not enough to offset record imports the Department of Commerce said. A spokesman for the Department said, “We’re really taking it in the shorts from that whole buy 12 records for a penny deal. I knew I shouldn’t have let my college roommate use my name.”
MasterCard unveiled a Corporate Executive credit card offering concierge services that include translators, travel booking and meeting facility arrangements. MasterCard said Executive travelers are still on their own with wrangling hookers, but suggest slipping the concierge “a cool Franklin.”
Northwest Airlines has announced that starting July 1st, it will scrap showing movies on domestic flights. This was expected since a Northwest flight to Juneau nearly crashed when the pilots inexplicably refused to miss the end of The First Wives Club.
Southern Baptists officially called for a boycott of all things Disney due to its “gay-friendly” policies. An exasperated Disney exec said of the week-long ordeal, “We’ve promoted family values for seventy years! Who ya gotta blow to keep these Baptists off your ass?”
Oil prices fell sharply Wednesday under pressure from excess of crude while vinegar prices rose. Salad Dressing prices remain stable, while Summer’s Eve stock soars.
In the talks between the states and the tobacco industry, a settlement is near and it could end up costing the US insurance industry more than $250 billion. “It’s going to be huge,” said a lawyer with the National Association of Independent Insurers, “The insurance industry will pay out a lot. Jesus. I could use a smoke. Oh, I see how they do it now.”
Westinghouse will be splitting its firm between media and industrial operations but says it will retain Thermos King as part of its media holding. Westinghouse says that Thermos King keeps hot things hot and cool things cool and how do it know?
If “60 Minutes” inquisitor Mike Wallace had his way, the execution of bomber Timothy McVeigh would be televised. Wallace went on to say “it only takes a few seconds so I guess we’d throw it Morley’s way. He could put a little twist on it.”
When it comes to her favorite movie kisses, Faye Duaway spans the generations. She had on-screen kisses with Marlon Brando, William Holden, Warren Beatty and Mickey Rourke. But when the LA Times asked who was the most memorable kisser, she said: “Steve McQueen in “The Thomas Crown Affair.” She also rated Jhonny Depp, co-star in “Don Juan de Marco,” as a “very good kisser.” When asked about Jack Nicholson in “China Town,” she said “he’s a good kisser, he’s a bad kisser, he’s a good kisser and a bad kisser.”
Christian recording Bob Carlisle has jumped to the top of the Billboard charts with sales of 234,000 units. However, Soundscan figures are being checked, as there have been reports of an elderly god-like man buying 233,000 at Tower records.
Gladys Knight took the stage this week at the White House in a performance for President Clinton. President and “Mrs.” Clinton sang along during Knight’s trademark “Georgia” medley – “The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia,” “Georgia On My Mind” and “Midnight Train to Georgia.” Knight then went into a thirty minute Georgia Satellites medley, which left the first “couple” holding their ears and longing for the days when they could just tune out Barbara Streisand.
The New York City health department has sent a letter to Madonna, telling her to comply with the law and install childproof guards on her apartment windows to protect baby Lourdes. “I know they’re trying to help,” said the singer. “But what’s wrong with shooting for a ‘Tears in Heaven’-style hit? I could use one.”
The FBI foiled a $150,000 extortion attempt on Utah Jazz owner and used-car-shill Larry Miller this week. FBI Special Agent Scott Sanders, who resembles and portrayed Miller in the ransom drop, captured the suspect, who had a fake bomb in his possession. Agent Sanders is now being treated as a hero in Utah, mitigated only by the fact that he unfortunately resembles Larry Miller.
Little leaguer Tony Smith, who pitches for his team despite missing his right arm sights Jim Abbott as his hero, who pitches in the majors despite the same condition. “It’s great when you can inspire a child,” said Abbott, formerly known for being the hero of every opposing batter in the American League.
Kuwait and Iraq will compete next month in the Arab Games. It is the first time the countries have shared a sports arena since the 1991 Gulf War, causing optimistic Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein to call the Arab Games “The Mother Of All Insignificant Sporting Events.”
06.20.97
The DNA Formerly Known As "Prints"
A new study suggests that people leave their genetic fingerprints (their DNA) all over such common objects as pens, keys, coffee mugs, Heisman trophies, unfound knives, front gates, carpeting of a sport-utility vehicle, and other things. The report went on to say that DNA could also be found on sidewalks in front of Brentwood condos. And a stray glove. And black socks.
Holiday In Cambodia
Contradicting an earlier report, Cambodia's co-premier Norodom Ranariddh said that Khmer Rouge strongman Pol Pot had not been found. Ranariddh explained, "I said, 'We found some really good pot.' That's all. We make announcements about that sort of thing because this is Cambodia, after all."
Holy Piece Of Crap, Batman!
With the release of what is expected to be a huge blockbuster, store shelves are littered with Batman and Robin merchandise such as coffee mugs, T-shirts, cookie jars and much more. An upcoming product already causing controversy is a "Batman" bat, a living rabid bat that, when released, will get tangled in your hair and terrify your whole family, or your neighbors, if you are without family.
Boy/Boycott
Southern Baptists officially called for a boycott of all things Disney due to its "gay-friendly" policies. An exasperated Disney exec said of the weeklong ordeal, "We've promoted family values for seventy years! Who ya gotta blow to keep these Baptists off your back?"
8 lbs., 3 oz. ...Per Breast
Pamela Anderson Lee is pregnant, telling reporters she can't wait to be a mommy again. Someone then reminded her that her 1-year-old son is still alive and that she never stopped being a mommy.
Bad Rap
Two members of the "popular" rap group Naughty By Nature were released from a New York jail after posting $1,000 bail each. The two were arrested for several crimes, including possession of guns. Meanwhile, two members of similar rap group Naughty By Nurture sat around complaining about how their mothers never paid any attention to them.
Switch Hitter
Boston Red Sox infielder Wil Cordero, who has not played since being charged with domestic abuse by his wife, received clearance today to rejoin the team. Cordero, in a press conference, said, "I love my wife Ana and my family with all my heart and soul." Meanwhile, his wife and daughter stood to the left of the right-handed infielder and flinched only when he scratched his head or moved.
Goin' To The Rollers
In Roller Derby news, disappointed fans still line up to buy tickets to Los Angeles Thunderbirds games. "We don't have a lot to do here in Los Angeles," said Corky T. McFakey, "and for many of us, the Thunderbirds is all we got."
Run On Sentence
Three Florida youths were sentenced this week to 15 years in prison for removing a stop sign at an intersection where three teens drove into the path of a truck. Judge Bob Mitcham told the youths during sentencing, "I understand your parents love you as much as these parents loved their deceased children. There are no winners." He, of course, was forgetting about the stop sign, which finally found a loving home away from the hustle and the bustle of the admittedly "noisy" intersection.
Live And Let Die
In Missouri, U.S. Senator Christopher Bond said he will soon introduce legislation that blocks other Senators from singing the James Bond theme whenever he enters a room. "It's just real annoying," a visibly disturbed Bond said in a "prepared" statement.
Fatso Can't Swallow Pride
A Brazilian man is suing a dentist who refused to treat him because he said the man was too fat. 320-lb Ronaldo Bertolotti told reporters the dentist "was afraid his chair might break." Mr. Bertolotti, who originally visited the dentist to have a waiter removed from between his back molars, will now have to wait until a settlement is agreed upon. Meanwhile, the waiter had no comment.
Smoke and Mirrors?
President Clinton is pledging to study carefully the proposed $368.5 billion tobacco settlement. Clinton said the federal government wants to make sure that the elements of the deal do not undermine public health, yet continue to paralyze the cilia in smokers' lungs in order to keep them cocoa brown and sticky.
Baptist Boy Caught
It was not hard to find Southern Baptists at Walt Disney World on the first weekend after their leaders urged members to boycott. "We already had our tickets and reservations," said a 33-year-old father of three, "I don't know if we'll come back. We'll have to hear what they say at church. I just hope they don't have us cut our balls off or drink some poisoned juice. I mean, I'll do it because I'm religious, but I won't like it."
Pure Kane Sugar
Bob Kane, the 81-year-old comic book artist who created Batman, said he thought George Clooney is better than the previous Batmen and that Alicia Silverstone did a "fine job" in the just-released film. Kane then went on to say he thought staring into the sun for 3 hours a day can keep your arches from falling and that little leprechauns were nibbling at his tail.
Clown Without Pity
TV Guide has chosen the demise of Chuckles the Clown on "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" as the No. 1 television episode of all time. "I'm not surprised. TV Guide has always shown MTM favoritism," said a source from the Mr. Belvedere series.
Chicks On The Rebound
The WNBA was a big hit this weekend. At least it was with the players. "To play in a league like this has always been my dream," said Cleveland Rockers guard Lynette Woodard, who was also the first woman to play with the Harlem Globetrotters. She and the rest of the WNBA then competed with all the skill and dexterity of the Washington Senators. You go, girls!
Picture Perfect
Englishman Mark Blundell edged out Brazilian Gil de Ferran to win his first CART series victory at the Budweiser/GI Joe's 200 this weekend. Blundell and de Ferran both hit the checkered flag in a photo finish, but the win went to Blundell when the picture showed he was racing with a six-pack in his lap and a GI Joe action figure in the passenger seat.
06.24.97
All's Well That Roswell
On the 50th anniversary of the Roswell "crash," the Airforce has given its fifth explanation for the event, saying now that alleged alien bodies seen by alleged witnesses were dummies dropped from balloons as part of a parachute test. One official said, "We take it for granted now that you need a parachute to survive a fall from a plane. In 1947, we weren't as sophisticated. Those tests saved the lives thousands of infantry men and maybe if the aliens had used parachutes, they wouldn't be dead now." He then said "oops," slammed a smoke bomb to the ground and quickly scampered from the briefing.
Double Time
The Supreme Court ruled this week that sexual predators judged to be dangerous could be locked up even after they finish serving their sentences. Sexual predators judged to be friendly, on the other hand, will be forced to participate in multi-level marketing schemes.
Incest La Vie
A study released by South Carolina's Department of Human Services says cases of incest have risen 43% in the past year. A spokesman for the Department said, "It seems everyone and their mother is doing it."
Air Jordan
Nike Inc. will recall shoes carrying a logo that has offended Muslims, due to its resemblance to the word "Allah". Nike says the controversy has helped them develop a deeper understanding of Islamic concerns, and will offer anyone who has already purchased the shoes a choice between a "death to the children of Isaiah" T-shirt or a "Muslims Do It 5 Times A Day" bumper sticker.
Tsing Dow
Japanese Prime Minister Ryutaro Hashimoto's comments in a speech about unstable currency relations caused that skittish Dow to tumble 192 points Monday in the biggest drop of the year. Tickled by the power his words wield, the most honorable Hashimoto then christened Vendela as "the superest of supermodels" and said that he'd like to see Foghat get back together.
Fat Cat
Roseanne's foray into the world of TV talk shows hasn't even hit the air yet and already it's pulling in the big bucks. Syndicator KingWorld's partner Roger King calls it the biggest launch he's ever been involved with. "Not the biggest lunch though," he said after dining with the star.
'Til Death Do Us Part, Or 1998 (Whichever Comes First)
Former priest John McLaughlin joined Tony Randall in the "Creepy Old Men Who Marry Younger Women Club" by wedding his 36 year old production assistant Cristina Vidal. Vidal said she has no plans of starting a family, as she is busy enough changing McLaughlin's diapers, adding, "I mean I love him well enough, but for such a well spoken guy, he can really make a rank smelly."
It's In the Hole!
Jim Colbert, Senior Tour Player of the Year in '95 and '96, underwent surgery for prostate cancer Monday, joining Arnold Palmer. Doctors report the surgery went well, with the 56-year-old Colbert saying, "Be happy with what you have. I always wanted to be like Arnold Palmer. Now look. My prostate's in a bucket in the basement."
Silver And Black Attack
Longtime Oakland Raiders fan Girard Green turned 100 this week and received an extraordinary gift to mark the occasion-- current and former members of the Oakland Raiders visited him at his home. "I was thrilled," said the old man, as he lay on the ground trying to recover from a vicious and illegal crackback block laid on him by "Assassin" Jack Tatum. Said Tatum, explaining his actions, "The middle of the living room is mine. Anybody who comes across the middle is a target."
06.25.97
Old News
The Senate, in a move designed to raise the blood pressure of Q-tips everywhere, voted to increase the Medicare eligibility age from 65 to 67 and raise the premiums of affluent seniors. Without these proposals, the Senate claims, Medicare would go bankrupt in 2002, leaving seniors with even surlier attitudes and more stick-like arms.
Are Those Safety Glasses In Your Pocket, or Are You Just In Violation Of The Law?
Lawmakers in Delaware will consider gun control legislation that requires anyone applying for a concealed weapons permit to purchase safety glasses. A spokesman for the Optometrists Alliance, with a conspicuous bulge in his breast pocket, said, "We're all for any legislature that...Did you just call me four-eyes?"
Bodies In Motion
Skeptics are scoffing at the Air Force's explanation of alleged alien bodies seen near Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. Other skeptics are scoffing at those skeptics for calling themselves skeptics, saying, "We have got to establish more rigid skeptic guidelines. I scoff at everything, okay? I'm a skeptic. They believe Marvin the Martian landed near Albuquerque. They're drunks. See? Skeptical."
You Likee Nike?
According to former UN Ambassador Andrew Young, workers at Nike factories in Asia are well treated. However, many are unaware of their rights and are often supervised by managers who don't speak their language. A spokesman for Nike said, "We just thought German managers would be more efficient. They're good communicators."
Long Overdue
Microsoft Head and Pythonic Chieftain Bill Gates and "wife" Melinda French "Mitzie" Gates have announced a donation of $200 million to be distributed to 8,000 public libraries, marking the 9th straight month local charity Second City Naked News Beer Swilling Fund has been overlooked for contribution. Mr. Gates, how can you live with yourself?
Mr. Smith Goes To Columbia
Will Smith, back on top of the charts this week with his "Men In Black" theme song, has inked a "lucrative" deal to record with Columbia Records. Meanwhile, DJ Jazzy Jeff, back on top of the McDonald's employee of the month chart, has inked a "lucrative" deal to man the shake machine. Say, Jazzy, do fries come with that shake? "I can take the next person in line," replied the still-parent-beleaguered DJ.
Scary Lewis
PBS has announced a new preschool series, The Charlie Horse Music Pizza, starring ventriloquist Shari Lewis. Shari, who was previously semi-retired due to a lack of dexterity in her hands owing to arthritis, said her condition won't affect her sock puppets. She explained, "The kids won't even notice I can barely move my hands. A lot of the new characters will be stroke victims and stutterers."
That's Some Johnson!
Phoenix Suns guard Kevin Johnson, who earlier discussed retirement, has decided to come back for one more season with a contract extension somewhere between 8 and 8.4 million dollars. At a press conference, Johnson said, "The only reason I would come back would be if the Lord put it in my heart to do something other than retiring." When reporters asked what that might be, Johnson shot back, "Weren't you listening? Somewhere between 8 million and 8.4 million dollars. Damn, for reporters, you are a bunch of dumb mother (expletive deleted)."
Hail These Comets
The 16,285 fans who showed to see the Houston Comets of the WNBA set a new attendance record for the fledgling league. This mark may inspire more WNBA teams to have its players offer a post-game lingerie show. Good luck, ladies!
06.26.97
Bummed Out
The Los Angeles City Council this week endorsed one of the toughest panhandling laws in the country- and stewbums who violate it face stiff citations. Mayor Richard Riordan was pleased, saying, "We hope that transients will no longer aggressively beg pedestrians for money to buy food, and instead start begging them for money to pay these fines."
Yasser, He's My Baby
Pope JP2, in two letters sent to Prime Minister Benjamin Netanahu and Palestinian President Yasser Arafat, urged the leaders to restart the Middle East Peace process. When asked what was in the letters, the Pope slyly replied, "Can you keep a secret? Well, I put on both of them, I know someone who likes you. They've both been calling me begging to know who it is, but I won't tell them until peace is reached."
Spousal Support
A poll taken by USA Today shows that a third of U.S. husbands say they wouldn't relocate for their wives careers. The other two-thirds opened the door just a crack, leaving the chain on, and said they couldn't talk, all the while nervously wiping their hands on their frilly aprons.
Fizz Biz
Beverage behemoths Pepsi and Coca-Cola plan to take the bottled water world through a sea of change. "Anytime Coke and Pepsi get into the market, they're going to shake things up," states John Sicher, publisher of Beverage Digest. Consumers are expected to avoid the products for a while, afraid of having the beverage spray all over them.
Check It Out!
Lawrence Ellison, the chairman of software company Oracle, in what many are saying is a response to software peddler Bill Gates' $200 million dollar gift, has pledged $100 million to bring computers and Internet access to public schools and libraries. "Ellison? He means nothing! I won't even kiss him before I screw him over," Gates proclaimed, as he began shrinking himself down to microscopic size in order to penetrate the bloodstreams of his archenemies and implant minuscule fishhooks in their stomach linings to cause irreversible internal bleeding. "When I get back, make sure my live rare butterfly suit is ready," he instructed his underlings, who were molded in his image through extensive use of plastic surgery and inflatable bladders.
Over The Top
Tiny Sylvester Stallone is embroiled in what could only be described as a "brouhaha" with his neighbors in Miami. But fellow residents aren't saying "ha ha" to Stallone's attempts to place illegal buoys adjacent to his estate. Stallone, who was trying to keep gawkers away from his private dock with markers reading "Keep Out," was allowed by officials to move them closer to shore and change the wording to "Shallow." Police say that the water is, in fact, thirty-five feet deep, but the signs will now refer to Stallone himself.
M*A*S*Her
Actor and despoiler of women Harry Morgan had criminal wife-beating charges against him dropped this week. A Los Angeles judge cleared the charges after the 82-year-old actor spent half of the rest of his life completing a six-month violence counseling program. The judge then told him, "I never want to see you before me again, Mr. Morgan." This sentiment is shared by all those who were conned into watching AfterMash.
I Was Mistook
Mike Tyson said in an interview this week that after his November 7th bout with Evander Holyfield, he thought he had won until his handlers told him he was knocked out in the 11th round. Boxing fans know of a similar incident with Tyson, when he thought he'd had a night of sensitive, need-fulfilling love-making until an Indiana court told him he was guilty of rape.
Philadelphia Freedom
Philadelphia Phillies reliever Reggie Harris was suspended five games and fined heavily for intentionally throwing at a batter Sunday. Harris was ejected from Sunday's game after hitting the Braves' Andrew Jones with a pitch to the stomach. Harris denies any wrongdoing, which is going to be hard to prove, considering that he threw an ashtray.
06.27.97
On The "Brinks?"
An armored car guard in Stroud, Oklahoma returned from a restaurant this week to find his partner gone, $2.7 million missing from the truck, and a postcard with a note reading, "Is Paris nice this time of year? Oui. Bye." FBI agents will now scour the country for this genius bilingual meteorologist.
They're Magically Delicious...?
Just 36 hours after British Prime Minister Tony Blair launched an initiative aimed at persuading the Irish Republic Army to abandon its attacks against British rule in Northern Ireland, a bomb attack was launched on a police patrol in Belfast. Said an anonymous spokesman for the IRA, "Sure and we didn't launch that bomb." Said his companion, "Sure, Mike's right. We didn't launch that bomb." Said the other, "Sure, and you just used my name, Paddy. Oh, now look, I just used yours. All right, then, Godspeed."
All's Well That Roswell
On the 50th anniversary of the Roswell "crash," the Airforce has given its fifth explanation for the event, saying now that alleged alien bodies seen by alleged witnesses were dummies dropped from balloons as part of a parachute test. One official said, "We take it for granted now that you need a parachute to survive a fall from a plane. In 1947, we weren't as sophisticated. Those tests saved the lives thousands of infantry men and maybe if the aliens had used parachutes, they wouldn't be dead now." He then said "oops," slammed a smoke bomb to the ground and quickly scampered from the briefing.
Air Jordan
Nike Inc. will recall shoes carrying a logo that has offended Muslims, due to its resemblance to the word "Allah". Nike says the controversy has helped them develop a deeper understanding of Islamic concerns, and will offer anyone who has already purchased the shoes a choice between a "death to the children of Isaiah" T-shirt or a "Muslims Do It 5 Times A Day" bumper sticker.
The Check's In The...Computer?
Microsoft and First Data Corp. have set up a jointly owned company that will let customers pay their monthly bills through the Internet. A curiously pale and plastic-headed Bill Gates, in a statement released by skittish understrappers with eyes for teeth, said, "Anything that eliminates jobs and human contact in general can only further my efforts to father dissent and mistrust, which is essential if one is to eliminate common decency and take over the world!"
Baptist Boy Caught
It was not hard to find Southern Baptists at Walt Disney World on the first weekend after their leaders urged members to boycott Disney. "We already had our tickets and reservations said a 33-year-old father of three. "I don't know if we'll come back. We'll have to hear what they say at church. I just hope they don't have us cut our balls off or drink some poisoned juice. I mean I'll do it because I'm religious but I won't like it."
Pure Kane Sugar
Bob Kane, the 81-year-old comic book artist who created Batman, said he thought George Clooney is better than the previous Batmen and that Alicia Silverstone did a "fine job" in the just-released film. Kane then went on to say he thought staring into the sun for 3 hours a day can keep your arches from falling and that little leprechauns were nibbling at his tail.
Wheelchair Quarterback
Longtime Oakland Raiders fan Girard Green turned 100 this week and received an extraordinary gift to mark the occasion-- current and former members of the Oakland Raiders visited him at his home. "I was thrilled," said the old man, as he lay on the ground trying to recover from a vicious and illegal crackback block laid on him by "Assassin" Jack Tatum. Said Tatum, explaining his actions, "The middle of the living room is mine. Anybody who comes across the middle is a target."
Pardon Me
Mike Tyson said in an interview this week that after his November 7th bout with Evander Holyfield, he thought he had won until his handlers told him he was knocked out in the 11th round. Boxing fans know of a similar incident with Tyson, when he thought he'd had a night of sensitive, need-fulfilling love-making until an Indiana court told him he was guilty of rape.
06.30.97
Hong Kong Phooey
Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.
Red Hotline
Gen. Nikolai Kovalyov, head of Russian counter-intelligence, said his public offer to Russians spying for foreign powers to call a special hotline and become double agents has caught 11 foreign agents and stopped 39 attempts to send secret information abroad in the past 6 months. Sadly, his personal ad stating "Sensitive General looking for 30 to 40ish full-figured Beethoven-lover to share life of mystery and tasteful 3-room Moscow flat" goes unanswered.
Netanyahu's Serious
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu condemned the spread of a poster which depicts Muslim Prophet Mohammed as a pig stomping on the Koran, stating "Doesn't anyone find this a bit obvious? I'm not in love with the Muslims, but that poster's just not funny. We're Jews, for Christ sake. We can do better than that."
Blockbusted
Viacom's plan to sell stock in its Blockbuster Entertainment Group is in doubt as the video rental chain's performance worsens. Viacom, however, claims that Blockbuster is not struggling and anyone who buys stock in the company can, if they choose, keep it for three full nights before returning it.
Have It Your Way
Trying to revive lagging sales, McDonalds will be offering its customers custom-made burgers. An Arch Deluxe ordered without onions will have a stamp on it saying, "Prepared just the way you like it." Grilled Chicken Deluxe cartons will be labeled "Made for me." And Happy Meals designed for children will contain "Listen to the clown. The clown is good."
Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"
Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.
The Guy Who Loved Me
Rupert Everett, the My Best Friend's Wedding star who was on the mind of all red-blooded American faghags this week, is negotiating to play the first gay secret agent. The actor will co-write the feature, tentatively titled Hey, We Found a Hook that No One has Used Before. "Who do I have to blow to get this movie made?" asked Everett at the pitch meeting. "Hold my calls," David Geffen said to his secretary, "and get that ambitious young man in here NOW!"
Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?
In Saturday's heavyweight bout with Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson came out biting in the third round, feasting on Holyfield's ears like he was digging into a half-rack of Chili's babyback ribs. In his indecipherable explanation, Tyson first insisted that Holyfield "just fell down some stairs," after which he justified it by the head-butts, saying, "I have one eye. Look at me. My kids will be scared of me." When reached for comment, the youngest Tysons, who always keep their hands above their faces like mommy taught them, said that this kind of thing is known around their house as "daddy's special scary playtime."
Brits Throw Snit Fits
Wimbledon's normally sedate Center Court erupted this weekend as Brit Tim Henman beat Paul Haarhuis in a five set classic. The mannerly British crowd taunted Haarhuis the entire match, launching "zingers" like "How do you spell your name again?" and "We are not rooting for you, but rather for our countryman, Tim Henman." Haarhuis seemed to sag a little when a heckler shouted, "If you win, Haarhuis, we will be disappointed."
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