March 1997

Hubble Of Activity 03.02.97

According to White House sources, President Clinton had senior officials find work for his friend, former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell. It has been learned that Hubbell was sent to a remote outpost to stand watch where he was successful until his glasses broke and a team of specialists was sent out to repair them at a cost of $107 billion.

Hubble Of Activity 2 03.02.97

According to White House sources, President Clinton had senior officials find work for his friend, former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell. Allegedly the positions included the President's Special Advisor on Friendship, Executive in Charge of Being Clinton's Friend, and the Friend General of the United States.

Heaven Can't Wait 03.02.97

A lawyer representing Sam Koutchesfahani, the owner of the Rancho Santa Fe Estate that hosted the Heaven's Gate suicide, has denied his client is selling off a tour of the house to the highest bidding news show. The lawyer claims his client is merely soliciting funds for the Sam Koutchesfahani Mass-Suicide Prevention Clinic and Cult Memorabilia Center, an educational mini-theme park featuring "The Comet", a ride in which guests can try to board a non-existent space ship.. Souvenir items for sale will include purple shroud body wraps embroidered with either your name or the name of your favorite cult member, Sleepy-Time Tapioca Pudding Cups, and Home Castration Kits.


Better Dead Than Red 03.04.97

Harold Nicholson has avoided life in prison for committing acts of treason and sedition by admitting that he committed acts of treason and sedition and letting the CIA know just exactly what secrets he sold to the Reds. Observers were astounded that Nicholson’s hearing only took 14 minutes and that he sold out his country for a mere $180,000, but all was made clear when it was revealed that the secrets he sold included how to get out of jury duty, which parking meters in Washington, D.C. take slugs, and how to see several movies at a multi-plex while paying for only one.

Glengary Golan Ross 03.04.97

Former terrorist and welcomed diplomat Yassar Arafat sat with President Clinton in front of a White House fireplace exchanging pleasantries. At the end of the session, Clinton agreed that the proposed Jewish housing development in Arab East Jerusalem was detrimental to the peace process. Arafat was elated until an advisor pointed out that he was getting opinions on real estate from Bill Clinton.

CSPAM 03.04.97

The Senate Agriculture, Forestry, and Nutrition Committee will hold a hearing to discuss school lunch and other forestry-related programs. Afterwards, the panel will adjourn to a $150 a plate luncheon consisting of macaroni -and-cheese, choice of either peas or green beans, individual-sized portions of chocolate pudding with skin, and a slice of bread. Milk will be five cents extra.

Oklahoma Is OK 03.04.97

The lawyers representing Timothy McVeigh claim they manufactured his “confession” in attempt to lure out a witness who was suspected to be involved in the bombing. Furthermore, the attorneys claim they rented the Ryder truck, bought the fertilizer, and blew up the federal building, all in an effort to expose a potential plot to discredit their client.

Avon Not Calling 03.05.97

Civil unrest continues to tear Albania apart, as the people angrily protest the failed government sanctioned pyramid scheme that has left them bereft of money. In sympathetic response, the country’s President has offered to crush any uprising initiated by the people. In a last ditch effort to bail out their failed economy, an Albanian citizen’s group is petitioning the UN to send in 100,000 Amway Volunteer Relief representatives, who will parachute into the country after dark and arrange secret seminars in hotel ballrooms across the country.

Achtung: Freedom Ist Verboten! 03.05.97

In Germany, four thousand people protesting a shipment of nuclear waste arriving by train were carted off by police, after they were first hosed down by powerful water cannons. In keeping with police regulations, the demonstrators were then conveniently loaded into the train cars and had their jewelry, clothing and gold fillings removed for “their protection” before they began the cross country journey, to a “debriefing center” located somewhere in Poland.

Down By The River 03.05.97

In the wake of flooding in Ohio, the National Guard has been brought in to help hold back the water with sandbags. Unfortunately, during the process, four students who offered their help were shot by them.

Remember Ruby Ridge 03.05.97

In response to the fatal Empire State Building shooting of last week, President Clinton is introducing several gun control measures, one of which will prohibit foreign tourists from being able to buy guns. Homegrown terrorists and fanatical militia groups across the country applauded the restrictions, saying, “Those foreigners are coming in and taking work away from honest, patriotic Americans.”

It’s Really A Small World 03.05.97

According to Reuters, thousands of Hutus were killedby the Tutsis in Tingi Tingi. Zairean president Mbutu and South African’s Bishop Tutu said that this means bad juju.

Never Clone Alone 03.05.97

After successfully cloning a sheep, Scottish scientists announced today that they hope to continue their cloning projects. This is not so much because thay are interested in advancing the cause of science, as they are merely interested in making some “damn fine haggis.” Next on their agenda: the perfect steak-and-kidney pie.

Stop Making Sense 03.06.97

Since the U.S.- Columbia anti-drug alliance has brought cocaine production up 32%, America has put Colombia on a drug “blacklist.” The U.S.government is therefore urging all Americans not to buy their drugs from Colombia.

Tin Soldiers and Nixon’s Coming 03.06.97

Ohio residents are waiting to learn when they can return to their flooded community. Ohio native C. Hynde remarked, “I went back to Ohio, but my city was gone. There was no train station, there was no downtown. A-O, where’d you go, Ohio...”

Take Three Advils And Don’t Forget To Call Me In The Morning 03.10.97

According to a study released today, taking Ibuprofen for a period of two years or more can decrease the chances of getting Alzheimer’s disease by 60%. Patients involved in the study who did come down with the disease, however, reported that either they didn’t have a single headache or they didn’t remember getting any.

Tupacolypse Now 03.10.97

Over the weekend, the Peruvian government stated that if the Tupac Amaru agree to release their hostages, the rebels will be allowed to remain in the country. However, says the administration, if their relatives wish to bury them somewhere else, they will be free to do so.

Kabulshit 03.10.97

Kabul University, the landmine-riddled Afghani center of higher learning, has re-opened. Under the new ultra strict Muslim Talaban administration, the college will no longer admit women students or have female faculty members. The Women’s Studies Department will not be cut, although it will be taught by gun-toting 16-year-old Islamic fundamentalist boys who spout Pro-woman passages from the Koran and Camille Paglia.

Iraq? Where’s That? 03.10.97

Doctors in California are claiming that Gulf War Syndrome is contagious. After treating patients with the disease, health care workers have come down with symptoms like fever, rashes, and an uncanny ability to fire long range missiles. When questioned, the government admitted that health care workers may have been exposed, but denied the existense of doctors.

Stiff White Man Speak With Forked Tongue 03.10.97

Two Native American tribes who donated $107,000 to the Democratic National Committee maintain that a fundraiser for Al Gore told them that if they didn’t donate more money they would never receive their tribal land. A spokesperson for the Indian council was quoted as saying,”They’ve been using that line on us for the past 150 years. You think they’d have come up with something new by now.” He further added that any administration that offered to smoke the peace pipe but didn’t inhale was not to be trusted.

Lawyers, Bombs, and Money 03.07.97

After ruining Timothy McVeigh’s chances for a fair trial by publishing defense documents, the Dallas Morning News reported that they will no longer publish defense documents that could ruin Timothy McVeigh’s chances for a fair trial. Defense attorneys contend that someone from the paper hacked into their computer and stole files, including one in which McVeigh allegedly admitted his guilt. Lawyers complained that they weren’t so much concerned about Timothy’s credibility as they were about their own. “Now people are going to believe that we’re just a bunch of bullshitting shysters when we attempt to portray McVeigh as an upstanding member of the community. Oh, wait..no, that doesn’t damage our credibility, does it?”

Deng Legacy, Deng Legacy, Boom, What You Do To Me! 03.07.97

From an airplane, Deng Xiaopeng’s widow, Mrs. Deng, scattered her late husband’s ashes, mixed in with some lovely flowers, over the China Sea. In keeping with Deng’s legacy, environmental groups immediately criticized China for polluting the oceans. Greenpeace, Earth First!, and Global Citizens Against Scattering The Ashen Remains Of The Dead Chinese Leader Who Ran Over Students With A Tank are calling on governments to impose sanctions, although the fish, whose normal cuisine includes plankton, gelatinous goo and each other, were delighted by the treat of their favorite food: the scattered, ashen remains of a dead Chinese leader who ran over students with a tank, or the #47 with a side of fried rice.

1600 Shakedown Street 03.07.97

The issue of campaign financing is heating up again as Republicans are attacking Democratic fundraising efforts and, in particular, Al Gore’s strong-armed tactics, which have been likened by one donor to a “shakedown.” A representative for Gore’s staff said, “I don’t know what he’s complaining about, we gave him back his damned kid.”

A Place Called Hope There’s Something In It For Me 03.07.97

Due to recent flooding, President Clinton has declared Arkansas a federal disaster area. Finally, the President is in agreement with the rest of America which has considered Arkansas a disaster area since it was first admitted to the union. However, America was skeptical about Clinton’s decision to send relief funds to Arkansas care of “Friends of J.G. Tucker”, although America can rest easy knowing that legal experts from the Rose Law Firm have certified that the funds are indeed guaranteed by the Madison Guaranty Savings & Loan in Little Rock.

Yassar, That’s My Baby 03.07.97

Yassar Arafat met with President Clinton to enlist America’s support in condemning Israel for building Jewish settlements in Arab East Jerusalem. Clinton nodded his head in agreement, patted Arafat on the back, then asked for a $150,000 contribution to the Democratic Party.

Banishéd 03.07.97

Peruvian president Alberto Fujimori has been considering the possibility of transporting the Tupac Amaru rebels to the Dominican Republic for asylum. However, after a 3 1/2 hour meeting with Dominican President Leonol Fernandez, Fujimori is now thinking that a third country may be the destination. Though the President would not be specific, he did indicate that it will be located six feet under ground and will provide each rebel with such amenitites as his own six-foot-by-two-foot living quarters and 24-hour flesh-eating maggots.

Kike Strike 03.07.97

In protest of the proposed Jewish housing construction in Arab East Jerusalem, Palestinian workers in the West Bank and the Gaza Strip are observing a general strike. The Palestinians will cease building exclusively Jewish housing developments until an equitable agreement is reached, or at least until, someone is senselessly killed, whichever comes first. After that, they plan to return to work but could, as is feared, employ such covert terrorist construction tactics as forgetting to re-inforce concrete foundations with steel rebar, not grounding electrical outlets so everytime a Jew uses a hair dryer or a blender, there goes the TV reception, and “inadvertantly” hooking the hot water up to the commode making for one steamy shit.

Give Me A “P”, Give Me An “I”, Give Me An “L” 03.08.97

In Massachusetts, several teenage girls celebrated making the cheerleading squad by overdosing on a prescription drug and being rushed to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped. A concerned parent was outraged; “Whatever happened to the good ol’ days when cheerleaders just binged and purged?” At first school officials paid no attention to the kids foaming at the mouth and falling asleep on the dancefloor because the theme of the Spring Formal was “Rabid Hawaiian Narcolepsy.”

The Right To Arm Cops 03.08.97

During last Friday’s firefight with bank robbers, the outgunned North Hollywood police department borrowed weaponry from a local gun shop which was only too happy to oblige the officers. After the incident was over, police returned the weapons to the gun shop and promptly arrested the owner for not adhering to the mandatory five-day waiting period.

Come Again? 03.08.97

Only a week after scientists announced the successful cloning of a sheep, a very similar set of scientists have announced that they have successfully cloned a monkey. In a related story, only a week after scientists announced the successful cloning of a sheep, a very similar set of scientists have announced that they have successfully cloned a monkey.

Do You Habana Any Room? 03.09.97

Cuba, a country with great food, great music, and great cigars, has granted asylum to the Tupac Amaru rebels who are still holding hostages at the Japanese Embassy in Peru, a country with great food, great music, and great chances for being shot by government troops. The rebels have declined the offer , however, as they prefer the accomodations in Peru and they won’t get as good of a deal for the hostages in Cuba.

The Democratic Process 03.09.97

In a press conference regarding shady campaign contributions, Vice-President Al Gore denied any wrongdoing, but promised not to do it again. Meanwhile back at the White House, Hilary Clinton has been accused of using government funds to set up an internal database of over 350,000 potential campaign contributors. The First Lady has denied the charges, but promises not to do it again.


Godzilla Could Not Be Reached For Comment 03.11.97

An explosion occurred at a nuclear processing plant just north of Tokyo, which exposed 10 workers to radiation. A spokesman for the plant attempted to downplay the accident sighting that at least it wasn’t as bad as that last nuclear thing that happened.

The Gingrich Get Gingricher 03.11.97

According to network news reports, during both the Reagan and Bush administrations, campaign donors were hosted at the White House. No guests ever stayed the night, but then again, no one wanted to. It was further reported that in 1995, a $45,000 donation to the Republican Party bought you lunch with Newt Gingrich. For $50,000, you could dine alone.

Au Revoir, Les Enfants 03.14.97

French police detained 250 men, including several minors and school officials, in a massive child pornography ring which also netted some 500,000 confiscated videotapes. Some of the film titles included, "Jules et Jimmy," "Three Men and a Baby" and "The 400 Blows."

Africa Screams 03.14.97

During her six-nation tour of Africa, Hillary Clinton announced that she will not use her influence to pressure Ugandan leaders to stop the rebel backed insurgency in Zaire.
Rumors are persisting that the First Lady was only there to research her new book, "It Takes An Impoverished Village Being Torn Apart By A Government Backed Military Coup."

Horns-A’Plenty 03.14.97

A Jewish man in New Jersey killed his two children because he didn't want them to be raised as Christians. In his defense, the man preferred his children not to be Christian because he didn't want to have to drink their blood.

When Irish Eyes Are Flaming 03.14.97

Once again, the Irish community of Boston is not allowing gays and lesbians to march in that city's St. Patrick's Day Parade. Irish parade officials are saying that it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation, but rather that they refuse to wear green.

Here She Is... 03.14.97

Sister Nirmala, has taken over the religious order headed by Mother Theresa, much to the incoming 67-year-old's joy. The sister, now Mother Nirmala, was selected from over 100,000 nuns with her essay, "What Leprosy Means to Me", though it was her proficiency in the Can You Draw the Virgin? matchbook contest that many think really won her the title.

Pants On Fire 03.17.07

Newsweek reports that Timothy McVeigh has confessed to the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah federal building, but apparently failed a lie-detector test regarding the identity of his co-conspirators. The defense will utilize this revelation to prove McVeigh did not commit the bombings, alleging that since he lied before, how can you believe him now, and besides, added a member of the defense team,"Can you really trust a guy who blew up a federal building?"

Faith And Begorrah 03.17.97

On his first day back at work since surgery, President Clinton has charged Vice President Al Gore to take over St. Patrick's Day festivities at the White House. In addition to meeting with Irish Prime Minister John Bruton, Gore will supervise the White House tradition of Accepting the Thousands of Little Green Pieces of Paper from each guest.

Falling Down 03.17.97

Prime Minister John Major, facing almost certain defeat in the upcoming May elections, has gone to see the Queen to discuss the issue. After talking with the Queen he will take the issue up with a Buckingham Palace guard, the guy who dated Princess Di, and Big Ben.

Thai One On 03.18.97

A Thai woman cut off her husband's penis, tied it to a bunch of balloons and sent it aloft. The woman was arrested, as Thailand observes a strict no-fly zone.

Eat, Drink And Be Punished 03.18.97

Rep. Tom Workman of Minnesota is proposing public floggings for drunk drivers, which will replace the current punishment, the Slap on the Wrist. In an effort to hold all parties accountable, Workman also hopes to administer the iron maiden for the owner of the bar that served the drink.

Never Say Never Again 03.19.97

The German government has instituted a system by which all Scientologist-owned companies will be marked on computer with an identifiable "S." The original suggestion of yellow "S" lapel badges and painting "S" on all storefronts was deemed "nostalgic" but ultimately "too impractical." The German government is upset that Scientologists are siphoning off money from Germany's state religion, Total World Domination. In a gesture of sympathy, the Swiss government has assured Scientologists that their money will be safe with them anytime.

Yalta Come Back Now, Ya Hear 03.19.97

President Clinton begins the two day summit with Boris Yeltsin in Helsinki, though speculations still abound about the Russian president's emotional and mental health. When Yeltsin saw President Clinton in a wheelchair, he assumed it was FDR and shifted the agenda to the business of dividing up Germany and Poland.

Don’t Stand So Close To Me 03.19.97

The U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments in a landmark case banning the distribution of sexually explicit material to anyone younger than eighteen. Free speech activist H. Humbert claims that "This action violates all tenants of the First Ammendment, and there are plenty of teenage girls that agree with me."

The Leader of the Band 03.19.97

South Africa's Bishop Desmond Tutu will be undergoing two types of treatment for his prostate cancer. The first, performed by a Zulu shaman, will utilize sharpened spears to cut the cancer out, while the second, more sophisticated, white European method, involves placing Tutu in a dark cell and beating the cancer out of him.

In Country 03.20.97

Former Congressman Wes Cooley was found guilty of lying about his war record, saying that he had served in Korea, when in fact he had not. Though he was fined $5,000 and forced to do 100 hours of community service, Cooley got out of a prison sentence by pleading with prosecutors that jail would remind him too much of his days as a POW in Vietnam.

That’s Debatable 03.20.97

British Prime Minister John Major and Labour leader Tony Blair agreed to what is called a "U.S. style" televised political debate. In keeping with this format, all relevant issues will be avoided and any third party candidates will be barred from the proceedings.

Baptism By Fire 03.25.97

Five Canadian members of the Order of the Solar Temple, a cult that preaches its members will go to another planet if they kill themselves, died in a fiery suicide. Ironically enough, the two men who died ended up on the planet Mars and the three women ended up on Venus. Unfortunately, all five burned up on re-entry.

Where The Buffalo Roam 03.25.97

An animal rights activist stormed into a school cafeteria near Yellowstone national park, dumping a bucket of bison-entrails and splashing U.S. Agriculture Secretary Dan Glickman. Bystanders and secret service agents mistakenly allowed the attacker to get close, as they thought that Friday was Animal Offal day in the cafeteria. Glickman managed to weather the attack, for as a politician, he's accustomed to eating shit.

Dead Man Exploding 03.25.96

During the Florida execution of convicted murderer Pedro Medina, a six inch flame shot out of his head, caused by the faulty electrocution from the chair. Medina's lawyers maintain that this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment and they are petitioning to have the execution overturned and allow their client to go free posthumously. In the meantime, Medina's head has been placed in Arlington National Cemetery, where the eternal flame will remind visitors of all wronged executed killers.

I Had A Nightmare 03.27.97

Dexter King, the son of Martin Luther King Jr., is meeting with an ailing James Earl Ray, hoping either for a confession or the real identity of his father's killer. In a related story, JFK Jr. is visiting an ailing FBI, to find out the same thing.

She's The Chosen One 03.27.97

Secretary of State Madeleine Albright met yesterday in separate sessions with Jewish-American and Arab-American leaders. To the Jewish representatives, she reaffirmed her newfound Judaic heritage. To the Arab group, Albright announced that, to her astonishment, she also has Arab blood. Albright's staff is worried about her upcoming meeting with Gay and Lesbian Eskimos.

The Air Way Up There 03.28.97

As investigations continue in the mysterious Heaven's Gate cult mass suicide, it has now been revealed that the members were all wearing Nike's. Evidently, they took the slogan "Just Do It" a bit too seriously.

Civil Wars 03.28.97

Judge Hiroshi Fujisaki ordered that O.J. Simpson surrender, among other things, his Heisman trophy to begin paying off his civil lawsuit. The judge was adamant about Simpson giving up his prized trophy, until he realized that Paula Barbieri was no longer his girlfriend and besides isn't technically property.

12 Confused Men 03.31.97

Jury selection begins today in the trial of accused Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh in Denver, Colorado. Lawyers from both sides have already discovered nearly three dozen people who they feel were sufficiently out-of-touch and unaffected by the media. Unfortunately, they killed themselves last week in San Diego, California.

Father, Why Hast Thou-Ouch! 03.31.97

The yearly Filipino tradition of whipping the backs of Christians and then nailing them to crosses in honor of Easter commenced today. In an effort to make the normally grisly ceremony more enjoyable, several vendors are sponsoring events for citizens including "Playtex Cross-Your-Heart Cross-Bearing Competition", "Crown Books' Crown-of-Thorns Ring Toss", "Port-o-John the Baptist's Dunk Tank" and the "Food Lion of Judah Wafer-and-Wine Eat-Off."

Way Out of Africa 03.31.97

Following on the heels of Vice President Al Gore's Africa trip, Hillary and Chelsea Clinton's tour of Africa has come to an end, paving the way for the last member of the First Family. Socks, the White House cat, will be embarking on a ten country tour of the Dark Continent, to open talks with various wildlife and plans to meet with Cheetahs, many of whom have been sequestered on preserves against their will.


In Which We Compuserve 03.02.97

Rumors in the business community abound that America Online plans to buy Compuserve, though neither company is confirming the reports. Consumers, however, are excited at the prospect at being able not to get service they don't need.

In Which We CompuServe 2 03.02.97

Rumors in the business community abound that America On-line plans to buy CompuServe, though neither company is confirming the reports. Consumers are excited by the prospect of being able to not get service they don't need. The anticipated merger is expected to effectively wipe out all competition that has up until now threatened the companies, including the United Telegraph Company, Western Union and two 12 year old best friends in Ottomwa Iowa who tied a string between a pair of tin cans.

Where’s The Beef? 03.02.97

The United States has banned $300 million in meat imports from the European Union until inspection standards have been agreed upon. Meat buyers were skeptical when the supplier, Krazy Kow Meats of England arrived with the slogan, "It Tastes Good `Cos Our Cows Are Ka-Razy!" Similar reactions have been expressed after several American supermarket chains were offered a two-for-one sale on Scottish lamb.

Talking Turkey 03.02.97

The North Carolina turkey industry is being threatened by a mystery illness that has forced the closure of 42 farms and widespread loan restructuring and bankruptcy. Researchers were concerned until they discovered that the turkeys were merely faking it, and that many of the doctors' notes and parental excuses had been forged in an effort to ditch Thanksgiving and spend the day smoking cigarettes under the bridge and throwing rocks at passing trucks.

Radiant Personalities 03.02.97

Over 80 percent of the control-room operators at a nuclear power plant in Illinois failed a test on how to handle abnormal reactor problems. Answers such as "Grab the nearest fire extinguisher to put out a meltdown" and "Dilute radioactive waste with two parts water before burying it behind a school" alarmed government regulators, but the answer "Sweep any and all problems under the rug" gave them a ray of hope.


Where Do You Want To Go Today...Sunnybrook? 03.04.97

Bill Gates, the world’s richest nerd, said that he doesn’t care about money, doesn’t think about money, and, in fact, plans to give away his fortune. His wife, the lovely Mrs. Gates, was quick to add, “Don’t listen to him. He’s crazy. We love money. It’s great to be rich. Am I in the will?”

You May Have Already Won 03.04.97

Some unscrupulous characters have bilked the elderly out of over $1 million by informing them that they won the Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes grand prize of $10 million, but before receiving the money they would had to pay up to $300,000 in taxes sent to P.O. Boxes. The old folks finally realized it was a scam when they tried to cash the giant 8-foot-by-3-foot cardboard check.

Let Your Fingers Do The Walking 03.04.97

AT&T will no longer use $100 checks to incentivize potential customers to switch to its services, but will now ply loyalty from consumers with high quality service, cutting-edge technology and Finnish milkmaids who go door-to-door passing out bars of gold.

Which Came First 03.04.97

Scientists have successfully injected chicken DNA into a quail embryo, producing a quail researchers claim exhibits chicken-like qualities. When pressed, the researchers admitted that what they meant, in fact, was that the quail tasted like chicken.


Where Do You Want To Go And Steal Secrets From Today? 03.05.97

A bug that allows users to hack into other personal computers, bypassing even the strictest security systems, has been found in Microsoft’s web browser Internet Explorer. The bug, it turns out, is actually a prototype of an information-gathering program known as “Breaking In Through Open Windows 95,” and isn’t set for distribution for at least another year. In addition to allowing users to access highly confidential government websites and downloading highly sensitive corporate data, the program will include the Microsoft Spy Network, which will feature misunderstood comedies and mindless magazine shows that profile aspects of the world of espionage.

Just Substitute An X For The V 03.05.97

Following on the heels of their hip policy of not renting to blacks, Avis Rent-A-Cars has instructed their employees not to offer discounts to Jewish customers, anyone who sounds Jewish, has a Jewish last name, or calls from a Jewish area. In an effort to counteract charges of anti-semitism, Avis has expanded its policy to include anyone who ever talked to a Jew, heard of the Jewish people, walked past a temple, eaten at a deli, eaten deli food, watched “The Ten Commandments” or “Ben-Hur,” listened to a Barbra Streisand album or visited New York City.

Have A Cup Of Raw Sewage 03.05.97

Sears is recalling some 14,000 water filter cartridges, because of possible nickel chloride poisoning. The company was quick to add, however, that even with nickel chloride contamination, it’s still safer than drinking unfiltered tap water.

CNA, Why Not TNA? 03.05.97

The President and Chief Administrative Officer of the CNA Life Insurance Company were fired for reportedly making offensive, sexually oriented comments. The two were immediately hired as head writers for the WB Television Network.

We’ll Call It Boing! 03.05.97

Boeing announced that they will add $1.1 trillion worth of planes to their fleet, over the next 20 years. In an effort to make room for the new jets, 4,060 aircraft that are currently in use will be retired by 2016, either voluntarily or by simply falling out of the sky.

You Have Young Male 03.05.97

America Online has announced that they will be selling advertising space in their corporate sponsored chat rooms. It is unclear how NAMBLA plans to market themselves, though their cute recognizable character, Marty the Chickenhawk, is rumored to be featured prominently.

If The Jew Fits 03.06.97

Avis Rent-a-Car denies allegations that it discriminated against Jews, saying it was a baseless charge trumped up by lawyers. Executives from the company added that the lawyers were no doubt joined by doctors, bankers, classical violinists, motion picture studio executives and Talmudic scholars.

I Guess We Discovered The Secret 03.06.97

Lingerie chain Victoria’s Secret is now marketing cd’s that feature classical music which evokes the sensual mood the store promotes. Selections include, Beethoven’s “Love Immortal,” Schubert’s “Passion and Pleasure,” Saint-Saens “Carnival of the Panties,” Handel’s “Fugue in D Cup Minor,” Tchaikovsky’s “Size 12 to 18 Overture,” and Carl Orff’s “Carmina Brassiera.”

Erin Go Braugh 03.06.97

President Clinton reiterated his support for North Ireland peace talks, saying they had made “useful progress.” Sinn Fein, the political arm of the IRA, celebrated the news by blowing up a bus full of nuns.

They Should Make The Whole Thing Out Of The Black Box 03.06.97

United Airlines, in accordance with caterer SKY Chefs, have announced that on all transcontinental flights, passengers will now get larger salads, more substantial entrees and a wider variety of desert. Frequent Flyers were delighted that they will be able to enjoy greater portions of rubber chicken, overcooked vegetables and beef that tastes like shoe leather.

Word to Your Motherboard 03.06.97

Nearly $10 million worth of phony Microsoft Windows 95 was confiscated, in what police say is one of the biggest counterfeiting rings on the West Coast. Authorities were able to recognize the software as counterfeit because it actually worked.

His Master’s Voice 03.07.97

Chicago based JAMtv today is introducing a new music network on the Internet. The new network will broadcast live concerts, sell merchandise and play music. Fans can look forward to listening to their favorite artists in digital AM-radio sound, with thirty minute download time per four minute cut. “It’s just the beginning,” says one Internet cheerleader, “Pretty soon you will be able to hear a monaural recital of ‘Mary Had A Little Lamb’ and you won’t even have to use the hand crank!”

Many, Many Mac Attacks 03.07.97

In an effort to combat sagging sales, McDonald’s, come April 26th, will reduce the price of their Big Mac sandwich to a mere .55. In an effort to balance things out, however, a large order of fries will now be $11.95, but the good news is, it will only cost .39 to Supersize it.

How Much Is That Doggy In The Windows 95? 03.07.97

Four teenage boys were arrested in Japan for trying to steal the popular “virtual pet” key-ring game from another student. The boys, it has been discovered, are members of a gang of thieves selling virtual pets to virtual labs for virtual vivesection. As is the case with all animal experiments, these advances in science will help virtually nobody. Graphic Quicktime videos of the cruel tests will go a long way in convincing people to become virtual vegetarians, or, as real vegetarians know them, fish-eaters.

Don’t Mess With Taxes 03.09.97

Due to a slight software glitch, taxpayers who used Intuit’s Mac-In-Tax home filing program may have filed incomplete returns. In an effort to take advantage of the problem and reap benefits from their mistake, Intuit is planning to introduce Mac-In-Tax-Auditor, a home penalty kit, in which an on-line IRS agent in a bad suit will provide all the services of a full audit. Customers can look forward to annoying phone calls, threatening letters, garnished wages, harassment, unchecked strongarming, and all in the privacy of their own home.


S&P’s 500...Stupidest Business Models 03.09.97

Plastic container giant Tupperware reports a stock decline of more than 18%. The company has decided to re-think its marketing strategy and may now consider actually selling their product in a store.

Just What The Doctor Ordered 03.09.97

Soft drink company Dr. Pepper has purchased the un-soft drink company 7Up for more than $80 million in cash and assumed debt. There are no plans, as was the expected direction for this joke to head, to combine lemons, limes, and prunes because that’s just icky, but no company spokesdoctor has denied plans to make Up with Pepper, a multi-cultural soft drink theatre troupe that travels to high schools and church youth groups around the world spreading its message of tolerance, acceptance and being a pepper, too.


There Goes The... 03.10.97

Nationwide Insurance Company has offered to settle a discrimination suit by investing $13 million in 10 inner-city neighborhoods.The decision has residents nervous, fearing that crack dealers were going to be pushed out of the neighborhood and replaced by insurance salesmen.

Where Do You Want To Go Today...the Arcade? 03.10.97

Microsoft has announced that it will launch revamped, cutting edge version of its Internet Gaming Zone. Online users are looking forward to playing such exciting games as Word Processor and Spread Sheet.

It’s Payback Time 03.11.97

Hanoi, Vietnam, has announced they will payback all the debts owed the United States incurred during the war. The total debt is worth $140 million, but the street value is probably closer to $1.5 billion.

Get Your Number Two Pencils Ready 03.11.97

Robert Idzi from Pleasantville New York pleaded guilty to one count of forgery. He was charged with taking twenty different tests for fifteen different stock brokers in eight different states. If Idzi boards a train for Illinois at 2:45 p.m. EST on Monday, takes three tests in Chicago at 9:15 a.m. CST on Tuesday, can he complete four tests in Ohio and be back in New York by Saturday at 10:25 a.m. PST to be sentenced and fined?

What’s Next, The AT & T Channel? 03.11.97

Taking advantage of their particular field of expertise, MCI Communications has announced that it will begin developing online games. First up will be a new online therapy game called “Friends and Family,” which requires participants to pressure everyone they know into returning their unanswered phone calls.

China Beach Party 03.11.97

China refutes accusations that they have given money for American political campaigns, claiming they simply do not have it. However, they did admit to sending hundreds of thousands of copies of pirated copies of “Duke Nukem 3D” and Hootie and the Blowfish CD’s to the Democratic National Committee as “party favors.”


Another From The “Do The Math, People” Department, or Anticipation... 03.10.97

H.J. Heinz and Co. has announced that they are reducing their company by 6 percent, which will now bring them down to 53.58 varities.

They Earned It 03.12.97

Smith/Barney Co. was targeted by the National Organization for Women as their first "Merchant of Shame" by promoting hostile work environments for women. A spokesbroker tried to explain the allegations by saying that when it comes to the workplace, Smith/Barney merely treats women "the old fashioned way."

Hot Air Balloons 03.12.97

Gyn-Ecare Inc. has come under fire for inappropriately promoting their Uterin Balloon Therapy System, when the FDA has not yet approved it. Though designed to treat women for excessive menstrual bleeding, the company is now trying to deflect criticism by claiming it is, in fact, a device to be used at children’s parties, saying it makes great dogs and swans.

Cold Miners Dockers 03.21.97

A pair of turn-of-the-century jeans that were found in an inactive coal mine in Colorado, have been purchased by the Levi-Strauss Company for $25 thousand. Originally marketed for miners, the Levi wooden fly, “1855-01s” came in three colors: "Lack of Oxygen Blue," "Black Lung" and "Canary Yellow."

7 & 7 Is 03.13.97

TCI, the country's largest cable company, will raise their basic rates 7 percent. In return, customers can look forwards to a 7 percent increase in the number of times a month your cable goes out, a 7 percent increase in the time it takes for the cable guy to show up and a 7 percent increase in the amount of infomercials for Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute.

At The Y 03.14.97

The U.S. postal service has announced that for the first time in its history, they will issue a triangular shaped stamp. Already the response has been unprecented, as a survey showed that a large segment of the population enjoys licking triangles.

Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk, Bawk 03.4.97

Easter candy that had been sold at Macy's is being recalled, as the manufacturer failed to list all the ingredients. A spokesman said they felt that listing the entire recipe might hurt sales, as many customers apparently don't care for chocolate covered rat droppings and lint-filled clusters.


Next You'll Say It's Kosher! 03.14.97

The pork industry is upset that the lobster industry's slogan, The Ultimate White Meat is capitalizing on their slogan Pork, the Other White Meat and therefore stealing business. The pork industry is launching a counter offensive with a new campaign, Pork, The Garbage Eating Shellfish.

Dead Presidents 03.14.97

Counterfeit versions of the new U.S. $1OO bill, believed impossible to forge, have turned up all over Russia. The currency were nearly perfect, right down to the watermarks. The tip off came when the picture in the center of the bill was not Benjamin Franklin, but rather Bonnie Franklin from TV's "One Day at a Time." In a related story, Russia has issued it's first ever 500,000 ruble note. The move is considered revolutionary, as it is the first time a country has expressed its entire net worth with one bill.

Earned Tax Credit 03.14.97

Deputy Treasury Secretary Lawrence Summers has announced it is time to modernize the Internal Revenue Service, making it more responsive to taxpayers. Taxpayers' suggestions of shooting the commissioner of the I.R.S., tar and feathering all agents and making all income deductible were considered and then rejected as being too progressive.

Macintosh B’Gosh 03.14.97

Apple Computer is expected to announce 2000 to 5000 job cuts today and more are anticipated. Silicon Valley insiders are speculating what the NeXT ones will Be.

Marquis De Soda 03.17.97

A California law today has banned the sale of erotic literature from coin-operated vending machines, where children can obtain them. Makers of "Tropic of Candy", "I Am Curious Marshmallow", and "Lady Chatterly's Nougat" were concerned that this could hurt their sales, but children were just as happy to go back to ganking copies of Hustler from the Barnes & Noble newsstand.

Back Against The Lundwall 03.19.97

Richard Lundwall, the Texaco executive at the center of the $176 million discrimination suit, claims it is unfair that he is the only person being charged. We at Second City Naked News feel that Lundwall, who is responsible for all racism in the country, is being unduly treated. And though it is true that his family were the architects of the slavery system that has caused 400 years of oppression to the African American people, he still should not take the fall for this alone.

Dear Snapple 03.19.97

Quaker Oats will be releasing a new line of juice drinks under the "Snapple" name. The new flavors, made up of the best stuff on Earth that was taken out of the drinks the last time it was successfull, will hopefully put the drink maker back on top so they can ruin it again.

Dear Snapple 2 03.19.97

Quaker Oats will be releasing a new line of juice drinks under the "Snapple" name. Made up of the best stuff on Earth and then some, the new flavors will include "Tea of Wheat," a delicious melange of orange pekoe and durum, "Malt-o-Mealy," a thick treat made of barley malt and rotten apples, and "Strawberry-Kiwi-Raisin-and-Nuts-Cinnamon-Apple-Spice Decaffeinated-Tropical Madness" which actually sounds quite good.

We Love To Fly And It Shows 03.19.97

The FAA is proposing modifications on the rudder design of Boeing 737s in the hopes of preventing unexpected rolls, which have already caused two planes to crash. New measures will also include hiring state-of-the-art sober pilots and designing planes that are tested before being sold.

Try The Quick Pick 03.19.97

In an effort to raise money, the Red Cross is starting an Internet Lottery, which they hope will prove more fun than the lottery of going to the hospital and hoping you don't get tainted blood. Gambling addicts everywhere are delighted, as for the first time they can sell their blood and use the money to play the lottery, all in one place.

Something’s Fishy 03.20.97

Farmers in Langell Valley have won a 5 year court battle against the government which shut off irrigation to preserve two species of fish, the Lost River Sucker and the Shortnosed Sucker. After five years of failed crops, a new endangered species has surfaced in the area: the Failed Cropsucker.

Really Dark Roasted 03.23.97

Savon/Coffee Lovers Inc. is introducing a new product, Grizzly Adams Wilderness Coffee, with actor Dan Haggerty as spokesman. The coffee is made from the finest Arabica coffee beans, berries, dirt and strands of Haggerty's beard. Rumors are that after drinking the coffee, you will have the uncontrollable urge to live by yourself in a homemade cabin, wear only buckskin and date bears.

Wool You Be Mine? 03.24.97

PPL Therapeutics, the company who cloned Dolly the sheep, said that it will be at least five more years to put any biotechnology product on the market. They assured their stockholders, however, that their subsidiary, "Shear Delights" will not only reproduce after each wash, it is guaranteed to serve as a suitable companion for all shepherds on those cold, lonely nights.

Communion Microchips 03.24.97

This week, the Vatican will go online with its web site, powered by three host computers named after angels. In addition to being able to read more than 1200 Papal documents and speeches, viewers can download the Alter Boy of the Day, participate in Confessional Chatrooms and be able to experience Purgatory with a special discounted membership to AOL.


Checker Mate! 03.27.97

Only one of the world famous Checkered Cabs remains in New York City. The cab has logged in some 353,000 miles and its driver, Johann Struna, plans to retire in two years. Oddly enough, Johann Struna is the only remaining Caucasian cab driver left. However, New Yorkers need not fear, as he is still foreign.

The Future Of Technology 03.28.97

A conference on the Internet in Tucson, Arizona has investors questioning when, if ever, this new technology will yield profit. This has led to speculation amongst Internet insiders over whether the profits will be advertiser-based, subscriber-based or creepy doomsday UFO cult-based. Either way, they are expecting mass appeal or mass suicide.

Beach Blanket Bingo 03.28.97

Ron Rice, founder of Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil, is being sued by his secretary for sexual harassment. The suntan oil industry has come to his defense by saying, "Look, all our employees come to work in bikinis and get oiled up by their bosses in all those hard-to-reach places. You wouldn't want them to burn, would you?" For her part, the secretary wasn't as angry about the harassment as she was:

A. about the sand in her shoes.
B. about the zinc they kept putting on her nose
C. about the fact that she couldn't type with a beach ball in her lap.

No Carry On 03.28.97

A luggage handler for Delta Airlines was killed after falling beneath the wheels of an L-1011 bound for Nice. Airport officials were unable to locate the man's family, as he was not properly tagged and identified, so his rotting carcass just keeps going round and round on the baggage carousel.

You Bet Your Life 03.31.97

Seven Las Vegas casinos are installing defibrillators to save victims seized with heart attacks on the gaming floors. The coin operated devices, which allow spectators to bet on whether or not the victim survives, will pay out 3 to 1 for a slight pain in the left arm, 5 to 1 for arrhythmia and 10 to 1 for full cardiac infarction.

Quality Programming Like This 03.31.97

Monday, the Supreme Court upheld a federal law forcing cable-TV operators around the country to carry local TV station broadcasts. This news has come to the delight of fans of Saturday afternoon fishing shows, Cantinflas film festivals and exciting specialty shows like Ed's House of Nude Furniture.


All in the Family 03.02.97

Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.

Creature Feature 03.02.97

Tomoyuki Tanaka, creator of the popular Japanese monster movies, passed away at the age of 86. The pallbearers included a 50 foot fire-breathing lizard, a screeching pteradactyl and a flame-throwing flying tortoise who is friend to all children. The poignant eulogy, "Arrgggheeeeuuuggghhhhh!!!!", was delivered by a three-headed flying dragon from outer space

Goufée 03.04.97

Disney has announced plans to introduce its Disney Channel this March in France. In an effort to make their programming more accessible to the foreign market, some of the shows have been altered slightly and will include Donald Duck ala Orange, Huey, Dewey and Louix XIV, and The Absent-Minded Collaborator.

Bedtime To Ronzo 03.05.97

Ronald and Nancy Reagan are celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary, which prompted Mrs. Reagan to say “It seems like only 45 minutes since wedding bells rang.” Though the former first lady was waxing metaphoric, ironically enough, it really does only seem that long to her husband.

Mary...I’m Home! 03.05.97

A New Jersey production of a passion play has received racist letters and numerous ticket cancellations due to the casting of Desi Arnaz Giles, an African-American actor, as Jesus. The disgruntled theatergoers were not upset that a black man was playing Christ, but that he took a beloved Cuban bandleader’s name in vain.

Homeless Alone 03.05.97

The parents of McCaulay Culkin are still locking horns with each other in a bitter lawsuit to win custody of their six children and the millions of dollars belonging to their famous son. A judge has stepped in and placed control of the young actor’s finances in the hands of his accountant. Likewise, in an effort to insure that the children will be allowed to have healthy, normal childhoods, the judge has granted custody of the six children to the parents of Drew Barrymore, Danny Bonaduce, Brooke Shields, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and the Jackson 5.

I’m Looking For Sara Connor 03.05.97

Despite her impending marriage to action director James Cameron, actress Linda Hamilton is still fighting rumors that she is a lesbian. The Terminator 2 star is still baffled as to why the rumors have been haunting her since college, where she double-majored in the complete works of Gertrude Stein and Virginia Woolf, played for the golf team and listed Clambake as her favorite Elvis movie.

Love Is Many Splendored Thing 03.06.97

Courtney Love wants a Florida county to pay $27,000 in legal fees relating to an incident in which Love punched two fans at one her shows. The judge in that trial ruled in Love’s favor stating that the fans were not exposed to any more violence than should be expected at a grunge concert. Strangely, the same judge ruled similarly to a case involving Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman.

Four Score And Seven Subpeonas Ago 03.07.97

President Bill Clinton and wife Hilary honored President Abraham Lincoln by attending a gala held at Ford’s Theater. As a tribute to the sixteenth president, Clinton leapt from the balcony to the stage, breaking his ankle, and shouted “sic semper tyranannus” as he ran from the theater to a barn in Virginia, where he was hunted down and killed by union troops. Questioned about his bizarre behavior, the dead Clinton said, “I didn’t want appear rude by just leaving.”

With Music By Elton John, Lyrics By Tim Rice 03.07.97

Disney’s Touchstone Pictures is trying secure the rights to the true story of Irish reporter Veronica Guerin, who was allegedly gunned down by a drug lord. Since Guerin’s husband still refuses to sell them his wife’s story, the movie studio is going ahead with their own “unauthorized” version featuring Bette Midler as Guerin, Robin Williams as her husband, Rick Moranis as the evil drug lord and the voice of Gilbert Gottfried as Guerin’s animated talking cat, Seamus.

Might As Well Jump 03.07.97

Bubblefactory records will be the lucky company that gets to release Sammy Hagar’s first post-Van Halen album. “O U Fired Me 2” will be an entirely accapela outing featuring harmonies between Hagar and David Lee Roth. Tunes include the rock ballad, “Who Needs A Guitar Player Anyway?” and “If My Last Name Was Van Halen, I Would Still Have A Job”.

We Now Return To Hallmark’s “Amaru!” 03.07.97

Hollywood has already began putting together the cast for a movie about the Peruvian hostage crisis, even though the standoff has yet to be resolved. Hollywood should be able to master this story rather easily as they are quite adept at long-protracted stories about nothing without an ending.

Bitter Pill 03.07.97

Tony Tennille expressed surprise and dissapointment when she failed to gain the lead in Victor/Victoria, losing out to Raquel Welch. This comes on the heels of her dissapointment at discovering that “The Captain” is not really in the military and that you can’t make love to a Muskrat.

Best Known As The Voice Of Grampa On Rugrats 03.07.97

Actor David Doyle, who played Bosley on “Charlie’s Angels”, died last week at the age of 67. The eulogy was delivered by a disembodied voice on a speakerphone, and rumors that the actor was seen being escorted into the sky by three angels in multi-colored jumpsuits with outdated feathered hair styles remain unconfirmed.

Come Out, Come Out Where Ellen You Are 03.07.97

Saturday night, at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s “Women’s Night,” actress Ellen Degeneres planted a huge kiss on singer kd lang, once and for all, dispelling any doubts that kd lang is, in fact, a lesbian.

Black Is Black 03.07.97

Rap record mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was sentenced to nine years for parole violation and his participation in a gang murder. Insiders (Snake, Mad Dog, and My Bitch from Cell Block 9) speculate that Knight’s incarceration was just a shrewd business move designed to drive up stock in Death Row Records, but Knight, speaking from his cell phone in the prison recording studio where he is producing the new artist Rappin’ Richard Ramirez, denied the charges, assuring all the kids at home that they could still look up to him, because he, in fact, remains a dope fly fresh live hype gang$ta pimp hustler motherfucker who caps suckas who front, ai-ite!

Swirlie Girlie 03.09.97

Jenny McCarthy had no comment when informed that Cosmopolitan and Vogue rejected her “Candies” shoe ad showing the blonde starlet sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles. She was reported to be elated, however, to learn that the ad will be featured in Commodes Quarterly, Porcelain Today and Panties Around Your Ankles Monthly.

The Marrying Kind 03.09.97

Christie Brinkley, who married fourth and latest husband Peter Cook only 1 1/2 years after marrying, and then divorcing, her third husband Rick Taubman, told a Redbook reporter that she “must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress” when she married Taubman who rescued her from a blazing helicopter crash. Brinkley then divorced Cook and married the Redbook reporter.

Cell-uloid Princess 03.10.97

Legendary Hollywood movie queen Hedy Lamarr is being honored for techonology she helped create fifty years ago, that inspired the invention of cellular phones. Fortunately, Ms. Lamarr is being honored while she is still alive, unlike her other contemporaries in science, Greta Garbo, who pioneered room temperature fusion, Jean Harlow, mother of manned space travel and Nikola Tesla, who popularized the “Peek-a-boo” hair-do.

Thanks For Your Support 03.10.97

Richard Marx and Jewel are among the stars arriving on Capitol Hill today to petition for more funding for the arts. It looks like there will be no funding for the arts this year.

The Final Trump 03.10.97

Alfred Sheinwold, who authored thirteen books and a daily syndicated column on bridge, died at the age of 85. He had been sitting at the table for five days before anyone noticed.

I’m Being Degeneres 03.10.97

Melissa Ethridge and kd Lang, two known singers, are slated to appear in the “coming out” episode of Ellen. The last minute addition was caused when original guests, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan, unexpectedly backed out. The show about Ellen’s sexual orientation has been on the table for months now, and the episode, eight hours in length, will consist of Degeneres saying “I am gay,” and clip after clip of everyone in America saying, “I know.”

Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Can’t You See 03.10.97

In Los Angeles, rapper Big E. Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting outside of a Soul Train Awards party at the Petersen Automotive Museum. Though the assailants are still at large, the car is now on display.

My Left Eye 03.11.97

Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, died yesterday, after a prolonged paralysis during which he dictated a 150-page book, letter by letter by winking his left eye. The book, “Le Scaphandre et le Papillon” (The Diving Suit and the Butterfly), makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, he just had something in his eye.

Rapping It Up 03.11.97

The album title of the late Gangsta Rapper Notorious B.I.G. was, aptly enough, “Life After Death, Till Death Do Us Part”, though he insisted he was not predicting his own death. Ironically enough, there has been no explanation for the tracks on the album, “Gonna Get Shot in Front of a Museum”, and “I Didn’t Want To Go To The Mickyficky Soultrain Awards Anyway.”

Do The Loco-Motion With Me 03.12.97

Veteran 70’s rock band Grand Funk Railroad are touring the country with the Sarajevo Symphony to raise money for charity. Other bands that need your help include Kansas, Bachman-Turner Overdrive and America.

Silence Isn't Golden 03.12.97

Evidence has come to light that Laurence Austin, the owner and operator of the Silent Movie theatre in Los Angeles, was the victim of a murder-for-hire. The investigating team, twenty policemen from the Keystone division, actually cornered a suspect, but the pursuit was foiled when a piano fell on their paddy wagon.

To Be Or Not To Be O/S 03.13.97

A 1964 filmed production of "Hamlet" starring Richard Burton will be premiering on the Internet next month. The film will be shown much against the wishes of the late star, who was vehemently opposed to having "Hamlet" seen on a movie screen. Burton will happy to know that instead, the film will be shown on a 160 x 120 pixel window at 2 frames per second and with audio that cuts out during all the soliloquies.

Ask Dr. Laura 03.14.97

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio therapist who tells her callers to "get over it" when it comes to being weak and overly sensitive, broke down on the air, after being criticized by a Dallas newspaper. To find solace, Schlessinger ended up spending two hours on the phone with her rabbi. The rabbi has sent Schlessinger to work on a kibbutz in Haifa, while in her time slot, he will now be hosting his own self-help show, "Kvetch and Retch."

The Littlest Big Star 03.14.97

LeAnn Rimes, the 14-year-old country music star, has just crayoned a million dollar book deal with Doubleday. The book, a novelization about a young singer's Christmas, must be two pages, double-spaced, no more than five hundred words and the thesis must be clearly stated in the first paragraph. For extra credit, Miss Rimes can write an essay entitled "What I Did With My Million Dollar Book Deal."

The Big E 03.14.97

The twenty year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death will be observed in grand style, featuring live tributes, a full symphony orchestra playing his hits and the world's largest Elvis candlelight vigil. Several of the events not being featured include the Robert Goulet Celebrity T.V. Shoot-Out, All You Can Eat Clambake, and the Third Annual Nembutal Swallowing Competition.

And Big E. 03.14.97

The family of slain rapper Notorious B.I.G. is asking that the funeral be held privately and in peace. Kirk Burrowes, president of Bad Boy Entertainment reiterated the wish saying, "There will plenty of time in the coming weeks for you to show your support, your love and your respect for B.I.G." Fans will be expected to show their support, love and respect by purchasing the all-star music video version of the funeral, which will be released next month for $39.95.

Jack Of All Trades 03.17.97

A Los Angeles-based record company is releasing a compact disc of Jack Kevorkian's jazz compositions. Selections also include several jazz covers of such favorites as "Killing Me Softly". Music critics feel that this is further proof that jazz is indeed dead.

Delhi Cuts 03.17.97

Five Indian farmers in New Delhi have threatened to kill themselves if New Age musician Yanni plays a concert on their land. Sometimes a joke just writes itself.

Olive Branch Releasing Presents 03.18.97

Paramount Pictures announced they are holding back the summer release of their blockbuster disaster epic "The Flood", stating that they need more time to work on the film. The filmmakers plan to bring in two of every kind of producer to fix the script.

I Concur 03.19.97

New age musician Yanni says he wants his concert at the Taj Mahal to be a "feel good experience" and, in an effort to diffuse the situation with the five protesting Indian farmers, invited them to come in free. They declined, saying they'd rather set themselves on fire.

At Rest In The Fortress of Solitude 03.19.97

Alexander Salkind, the producer who gave the world the "Superman" films, died in Paris at the age of 75. Though reports first listed the cause of death as a stomach ailment, rumors of a glowing green substance found under Salkind's bed remain unconfirmed. In response to the news, a grieving Superman flew around the earth trying to reverse time and bring Salkind back, but, alas, it was too late.

What A Wonderful World 03.19.97

The "Wonderful World of Disney" will be returning to network television on ABC. Inasmuch as Disney already has pretty much exhausted its supply of cartoons, films and cartoon films on its cable channel, the new ABC series will be reality-based. Segments will include up-close and personal pieces on Disney execs, their homes and their cars. Other proposed features are "Studio Cops", in which security guards deal every week with unauthorized persons attempting to enter the building, and "It's A Small World, After All", detailing sweatshop conditions in Asia.

HIStory 03.19.97

Michael Jackson has won a lawsuit brought against him by five former employees who claimed they were fired for co-operating in a child molestation investigation. The jury, composed of six light-skinned black men and six pedophiles, decided that the plaintiffs were clearly trying to "kick him, kike him and that they shouldn't black or white him."

No Longer A Youngman 03.19.97

King of the one-liners Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday today. While trying to blow out the candles on his cake, the comic was heard to say, "Take my life, please."

Breaking The Point 03.19.97

Producers of "Breaking the Surface", the Greg Louganis story, have not allowed any kissing scenes in the film, for fear of turning off viewers. In an effort to avoid turning off people who hate swimming, the Louganis character is now a Russian husband and wife figure skating team and for those uncomfortable with the issues of HIV, the male skater will simply contract a bad cough.

Stern Admonitions 03.20.97

In an effort to promote peace in the rap community, Howard Stern invited rappers to a "summit" on the show. The discussion included such notorious “gang$tas” as Grandmaster Melle Mel, Chubb Rock and Luther Campbell. Things became ugly when Jewel, Melissa Ethridge, and Seal drove by in another studio yelling mild obscenities in a drive-by shouting. Though no peace accord was reached, they managed to agree that "Private Parts" is a good movie, and that they would all like to have sex with lesbians.

Bring Out The Gimp 03.20.97

The Los Angeles Times reported that based on this year's nominations, playing a role with a physical affliction is the surest way for an actor to get a Best Actor nomination. Hopes now run high for Jim Varney's upcoming, "The Stephen Hawking Story ", Andrew Dice Clay's turn as Quasimodo and Pia Zadora's much acclaimed portrayal in the "Helen Keller: A Life"

The Bluest Skies I’ve Ever Seen 03.20.97

Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth says that on his new TV series Lawless, he will be doing his own stunts, unlike when he played football. Of television he adds, "This is similar to football, I work all week and get paid on Saturday." It is also similar to football in that the new series is almost as bad as the Seahawks.

All-You-Can-Eat Buffett 03.20.97

Pop singer Jimmy Buffett is suing the owners of the Maui-based restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise", for profiting off his song title. In an effort to stem the tide of others reaping benefits off his efforts, Buffett plans to sue "Wasted Away in Margaritaville" a re-hab clinic for hopeless alcoholics with a weakness for Tequila.

The Women of Forest Lawn 03.21.97

Grace Hefner, the mother of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, died today at the age of 101. Grace was 5'4", 32-45-36, and her interests included writing poetry, romantic candlelight dinners, Tupperware, mah-jongg and breathing.

The Big W. 03.24.97

Reverend W. Awdry, author of the famed Thomas the Tank Engine children's tales, died at the age of 85. I guess he just ran out of steam.

Crammed With Graham 03.25.97

Stedman Graham has a fairly good chance of making Oprah's book list with his motivational entry entitled "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine Step Plan For Success." Step one: Meet Oprah, Step Two: Ask Oprah out, Step Three: Date Oprah, Step Four: Sleep with Oprah, Step Five: Get engaged to Oprah, Step Six:Get Oprah to introduce you to some publishers, Step Seven: Mention Oprah's name when meeting with the publisher, Step Eight: Have Oprah mention the book on TV, Step Nine:Get on Oprah's show.

And On A Blue Note... 03.25.97

Harold Melvin, former leader of the Philadelphia doo-wop group the Blue Notes, died from a stroke at the age of 57. If you don't him by now, you're never never never gonna know him...


Nava Again 03.28.97

Selena director Gregory Nava was criticized by a New York Times critic who felt the film was "too nice", including the fact that Selena's death is not even shown. Nava defended the choice saying, "I wanted to go back to the Greek tragedies. Murder was never shown on stage." Oddly enough, the film closely resembles the little known Greek tragedy Lysistrata Con Much Gusto, the story of an Athenian princess who moves to Mexico to become a pop star and ends up getting her eyes poked out by a jealous fan who also happens to be her mother.


The Sun Ain’t Coming Out 03.31.97

Joanna Pacitti, the 12-year-old who was fired from the Broadway revival of "Annie", sold her story for a TV movie tentatively entitled, "Little Orphaned Annie." Unfortunately, a week into shooting, Pacitti was replaced.

Because, Because, Because, Because, Because 03.31.97

15-year-old Jessica Grove has been selected to play Dorothy in the Broadway production of "The Wizard of Oz." In the tradition of the original production, the Tin Man will get deathly-ill from the makeup, the Glenda the Good Witch will never work again, and Dorothy will be put on a strict diet of Nembutal.

If It’s Too Loud 03.31.97

An Arizona judge has filed a lawsuit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has had a persistent ringing in his ears alleging it was the loudest concert he ever heard. Not willing to take any more chances with his hearing, the judge has sold off his tickets to Anne Murray, Air Supply and Marcel Marceau.

Turner Classic Loonies 03.31.97

In response to the Heaven's Gate incident, Ted Turner replied that mass suicide is "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." Turner, you may recall, thought that a talking dog could carry a fledgling 24-hours news network, that making black-and-white films look like Monet paintings is a good idea, and that Barbarella would make a docile, corporate wife. Time Warner suggested another good way to get rid of a few nuts: "buy their companies and make them Vice Chairman of yours."

For Sale By Owner’s Proxy 03.31.97

This month, Barbra Streisand's Holmby Hills home will go on the market for a reported $7.5 million. Despite the complaints of neighbors, the facade of the home was never renovated as Barbra felt any cosmetic changes would affect the resonance. The five-bedroom, seven-bath house features soft-lighting, stage fright and James Brolin. Barbra will not show the home herself, but will ask Celine Dion to do it for her.


Baby, Baby, Please... 03.02.97

Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.

Clipped 03.04.97

Clippers forward Rodney Rogers, who has to wear a facemask since breaking his nose last week, has missed 10 of 15 shots in the last two games. But Rogers insists that the mask doesn’t impare his vision. “I don’t have trouble seeing the basket,” Roger told a stadium maintenance man he mistook for a TV reporter while speaking into his broomhandle.

Not Constantinople 03.04.97

Istanbul will more than likely not get to host the Olympic Games in 2004, primarily because of the highly publicized crime problem in the Turkish town. There is still hope for Detroit, Jakarta, Moscow, Detroit, Manila, Calcutta, and long shot, Detroit.

Forgive Me, Padre 03.04.97

Scientists have successfully injected chicken DNA into a quail embryo, producing a quail researchers claim exhibits chicken-like qualities. Officials were not certan if they were successful, until they learned the quail was turning up at baseball games making children laugh, annoying players with excessive enthusiasm and eating umpire’s hats.

Howard’s Endzone 03.05.97

Desmond Howard, who had a mediocre season his past five but then dazzled Superbowl fans with his record-breaking 99-yard kickoff return, was signed to a four-year contract by the Oakland Raiders, including a $2 million signing bonus. Howard is now making $20,202.02 a yard.

On The Rebound 03.05.97

Dennis Rodman was suspended again and fined $7500 for deliberately “striking” Milwaukee’s Joe Wolf in the groin. Rodman will more than make up for the fine with the $1 million purse he will receive, win or lose, in the WBC’s world guys-who-like-to-hit-other-guys-in-the-crotch title bout against Andrew Golota.

Go Dodger Blue 03.05.97

Former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda may not be inducted to the Baseball Hall of Fame because, at one point recently, he mentioned he could possibly manage again and not because of unsportsmanlike behavior. Lasorda responded by saying, “Look if those greasy c*cks*ckers don’t want to [expletive deleted] induct me, they can take their !@#*&! honor and shove it up their a****. !@#$@! f**king !@!#$%! a-holes with their s*n*v*b*t*h*ng [expletive deleted] can suck their g.d. award out of my dick.” He then enjoyed a sensible dinner.

Baby It’s Old Outside 03.06.97

Lou Holtz accepted a lucrative sports announcer’s post on CBS, having just left Notre Dame after 11 years of coaching. Holtz accepted the job only after St. Louis Rams coach Dick Vermeil refused to hire Holtz, claiming the 61-year-old was too young for Vermeil’s coaching staff.

Bowe Knows Discipline 03.06.97

Riddick Bowe is now claiming he wants another shot at becoming a U.S. Marine. The heavyweight champ feels that if given another chance, he could make the Marine Corps proud. Bowe, however, does want to know if he could do it part-time, or if maybe they have something freelance.

To Thine Own Self Be True 03.06.97

Deion Sanders, known for his arrogance on the field, is being sued for divorce by his wife, who is claiming custody of his two children, Deion, Jr. and Deiondra. At the time Deion was served with papers, he and his dog, Deionysus, were relaxing while listening to Celine Deion and talking on the phone to the Psychic Friends Network with Deion Warwick. In the meantime, Sanders is considering expounding his own philosophy of winning by avoiding contact, or Deionetics.

A Delicious Shake For Breakfast 03.06.97

The Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, New York has announced its 1997 inductees, including Nellie Fox, 2nd Baseman for the White Sox, Willie Wells of the Negro Leagues, and Tommy Lasorda, former manager of the LA Dodgers. To be inducted, Lasorda had to assure them that he had no plans to ever manage a team again, although Tommy Lasorda still wants baseball to be a part of his life. As a result he is considering the following career options: the mascot who signals plays, the hot dog vendor who calls pitches and the bat boy who swears at umpires.

There’s No “i” in Team 03.07.97

The Rancho Santiago women’s basketball team was down to one player in a 75-74 overtime loss against Pasadena. With her other six teammates out because of either foul or injury, Tanya Whitlock attempted to inbound to fellow teammate Tanya Whitlock. Unfortunately, the rookie Whitlock was unable to handle the deft passes of Whitlock, creating turnover after turnover. Visibly perturbed Whitlock accused Whitlock of showboating, saying, “This is a team sport!”. Center Forward Guard Guard Point Guard Whitlock was named MVP of the Dons.

Number 4057 Had To Number 1 03.07.97

The LA Marathon took place this weekend as 40,000 participants climbed into their cars and drove two blocks so they could suit up for the 26-mile run. Russia’s Nadezhda Ilyina was disqualified from first place for taking a shortcut to get to a gas station bathroom that she ultimately couldn’t find anyway. Although initially disappointed with second place, Ilyina was relieved to discover that the second place prize was a key with a block of wood attached.

Eski-mo’ Money 03.07.97

The Iditarod dogsled race kicked off last Saturday in Anchorage, Alaska. Unlike the first race in 1973 wherein mostly Inuits and Indians participated, this year only four Natives could compete due to rising costs. Iditarod executives expressed pleasure at going the way of other ethnic sports “appropriated” by white guys, like polo, golf, lacrosse, and rock-and-roll, and hopes remain high that next year, sleds will be driven by the Harvard Men’s Mushing Team, pulled by purebred fox terriers, and watched and enjoyed by no one save ascot-wearing fops who think fencing is a sport.

Do You Believe In...? 03.07.97

The Orlando Magic were defeated by the Seattle Supersonics at home, 109-101, ending the Magic’s six game winning streak. In keeping with Orlando policy, Coach Adubato was immediately fired.

Knock, Knock, Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door 03.07.97

Dylan Baker was pronounced dead, one day after he was injured in the San Antonio Golden Gloves regional boxing tournament. Coincidentally, it also took the judges one day to render their decision in the bout and the guy who didn’t die was declared the winner.

Nobody Walks In LA 03.09.97

The LA Marathon took place this weekend as 40,000 participants climbed into their cars and drove two blocks so they could suit up for the 26-mile run. Russia’s Nadezhda Ilyina was disqualified from first place for taking a shortcut to get to a gas station bathroom that she ultimately couldn’t find anyway, while all the roller bladers, mountain bikers, juggling flame-eating unicyclists, hand-cuffed businessmen, wedding-gown clad crossdressers looking for husbands, 16-person human centipedes, and Panzer divisions were allowed to pee wherever they wanted. None of them, however, took a shortcut through a gas station and, therefore, they all took second.

Not Constantinopol (Capetown Races Redux) 03.09.97

Istanbul will more than likely not get to host the Olympic Games in 2004, primarily because of the highly publicized crime problem in the Turkish town. There is still hope for Detroit, Jakarta, Moscow, Detroit, Manila, Calcutta, and long shot, Detroit.

Roy-al Rumble 03.09.97

A bar brawl broke out between Avalanche goaltender Patrick Roy and a hotel bar patron over a dispute concerning the music. The problem with the music was not determined, but ostensibly Roy is sick of hearing calliope players doing the Theme to The Addams Family. It is unclear who threw the first hook, but the bar patron did crosscheck Roy pinning him against the glass after Roy threw a high-swizzle stick, but wasn’t called for it. After the bartender and a porter cleared the fight, the Zamboni was brought out to smooth the dancefloor and the boogeying continued into the night.

Wilted 03.09.97

When asked whether he could play NBA basketball today at the age of 60, Wilt Chamberlain replied, “I wouldn’t see any problem playing 20 minutes a game.” To which younger, healthier players all across the league responded, “Sure, we can see him staying in the game 20 minutes. 10 minutes applying the ice-pack to his knees, five minutes getting his ankles taped, a couple more minutes signing autographs, and one minute on the floor cherry-picking.”

Wrestlemania 6-5000 03.10.97

Dennis Rodman will be joining Hulk Hogan ringside in a professional wrestling bout this upcoming weekend. Rodman is expected to throw chairs, punch out referees and kick spectators in the groin. Then after the Bulls game, he will join Hogan for the match.

Not “Ha Ha”, But... 03.09.97

Al Hoffman was pulled from the flaming wreckage of his dragster after the engine exploded and the car burst into flames and Hoffman was declared the winner of the NHRA Funny Car competition. As he was being doused by fire extinguishers, Hoffman was heard to say, “Pretty funny, huh?”

L’02 03.09.97

Three cyclists were suspended from a French race because of blood doping, a process in which super-oxygenated blood is injected into athletes. In an effort to protect the health of riders, the International Cycling Union also banned air doping, the practice of pumping super-oxygenated air into tires.

You Can Say That Again 03.09.97

The NFL Competition Committee, comprised of NFL owners, is debating whether to reinstate instant replay for the 1997 season. Owners are considering other measures to make the game even longer like five-minute huddles, doing away with the delay of game penalty, and hiring non-English -speaking referees.

In basketball...

After further review, the last joke has been called back for a possible illegal use of a joke form. Let’s go to the instant replay. As you can see the set-up is fine, if a little staid, but from there, the payoff is telegraphed by the use of the word “other” and the punchline is delivered in the over-used rule of three, and, not only that, but the third of three, which should be the capper, falls short of the mark. Punchline declined.

Roger Brown’s Body 03.11.97

Former Indiana Pacer forward Roger Brown, who died last week at the age of 54, was honored in a ceremony in which he was laid out at centercourt in an open casket at Indianapolis’ Market Square Arena. The highlight of the event was when a fan won the “Nothing But Casket” half court shot contest, sinking the ball in Brown’s open hands.

It’s Not Just A Team... 03.11.97

By joining Conference USA, Army is divesting itself of its independent status for the first time in college football history. Although dismayed at losing its foremost opponent, Navy plans to keep the fall tradition alive by reviving its age old rivalry with Manhattan’s Fashion Institute of Technology.

In The Gutter 03.13.97

Maude Mildred McIntyre, the oldest female bowler, died at the ripe old age of 106. "I suppose I'll keep on bowling for as long as the girls want to keep carting me around," she once said. This Saturday the deceased McIntyre will be appearing at the Fresno Lanes, as her girls said in fact that "yes," they do want to keep carting her around.

Pump You Up 03.13.97

"Show me the money" (and all variations thereof) has officially become the most annoying catchphrase used by sports reporters since "Life is like a box of chocolates." Sportswriters everywhere are anxiously awaiting the upcoming summer blockbusters so they can once again appear clever by using someone else's words.

Hey Ladies 03.13.97

NCAA track silver medalist Sabrina Kelly and basketball player Angela Brown, both of UT, turned themselves in after being accused of beating a woman and stealing her purse. In their defense, the ladies merely wanted to be taken as seriously as male athletes.

Sometimes A Cigar Is Just A Cigar Is Just A Cigar 03.13.97

Due to the fact that legendary race horse Cigar has not been able to stud, former owner Allen Paulson is now considering cloning as an option. Racing officials, however, are opposed to his idea of introducing thoroughbred sheep racing, as it will be impossible to find jockeys small enough to ride a sheep.

Instant Replay, Just Add Water 03.13.97

The NFL has voted against the re-instatement of Instant Replay, claiming that too much time is lost already with the requisite time-outs. Instead, it has been proposed that local high school drama departments provide interpretive re-enactments of the plays in question. If this proves successful, the League will consider replacing referees with mimes blowing imaginary whistles.

Sealed With A Fist 03.14.97

The Dallas Mavericks are the latest professional sports team to donate used jerseys and other clothing to international relief efforts, charity organizations, and shelters for battered women. Battered women were delighted to be getting their husband's clothes back.

Seeing Double 03.14.97

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention is warning athletes that two concussions suffered within a short period of time can lead to head swelling. NFL physicians are examining Jeff George and Deion Sanders right now.

The Golden Scrap Heap 03.14.97

In New Zealand, a Maori separatist group claimed responsibility for the sledgehammer-smashing of the America's Cup, yachting's most coveted trophy and the oldest in professional sports. The Maori promised more attacks like this would follow, striking fear in the hearts of bowling trophies and 4-H club blue-ribbon-winning jams.

Be A Good Sport 03.14.97

The NCAA Tournament kicked off Thursday with all the teams expected to win winning and virtually no upsets, save for fans who were upset at how boring the Road to The Final Four is. If this keeps up, fans are expected to turn their attention toward baseball...oh wait, that hasn't started yet...football!...oh wait, that's over...hockey!...oh wait, no one cares about hockey...professional basketball!...oh wait, the Bulls have that tied up, now don't they?...NASCAR...oh wait, my cable system doesn't carry Speedvision...skating...oh wait, only faggots watch skating...I guess we'll just have to watch that hot Asian honey play pool on ESPN2, huh?

Cap’n Crunch 03.14.97

Cleveland Crunch goalie Otto Orf was fined $5,000 for going into the stands and fighting with fans who were throwing objects at him. Orf defended his actions, saying that as a goalie it's okay for him to use his hands.

Snookered 03.17.97

Gary Trent of the Portland Trail Blazers is in hot water now, after a bar fight in which he allegedly hit a man with a pool cue. The trouble was further compounded by the fact that they weren't playing slop ball and Trent had failed to call the bank shot off of the man's forehead.

Grampa, What’s Prejudice? 03.17.97

BYU wrestling coach Mark Schultz is being pressured by school administration and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to quit his second career in Ultimate Fighting. Schultz, in his defense, claimed that he was just preparing for the interplanetary battle between the armies of Jesus and his half-brother Satan, who will once and for all, be banished into the eternal lake of fire with all the black people so that the universe will be made safe for wrestling coaches to marry multiple wives and populate their own planetary systems in the afterlife. Church elders are re-considering their decision.

One For The Ladies 03.17.97

Conde Nast and Sports Illustrated are putting out new sports magazines for women. "There is a large target audience here that needs to be addressed" said one of editors, who plans such articles as "The Real Dirt: A Mud Wrestler's Point of View", "Lacy, Frilly Underwear: What's Really Under Those Tennis Skirts", "Wet T-shirt Contests: Tips On How To Compete", and "Hung: A Female Jockey Tells All."


Fetch The Ball! 03.18.97

Brazilian soccer star Leandro, well known for doing dog impressions when he gets angry, has agreed to cease the canine act in the spirit of goodwill to his fellow players. He finally acquiesced after being repeatedly struck on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. He does, however, continue to lick his balls uncontrollably.

Throwing Like Girls 03.18.97

The University of Maryland women's basketball team has officially complained to the athletic department that Coach Chris Weller subjected them to mental abuse, which included yelling at them and not giving them enough days off at Christmas. Furthermore, the coach was involved in such outrageous acts as demanding that the players practice, actually attend games and wear matching uniforms.

Exonerated, But Not Forgotten 03.19.97

While golfing, O.J. Simpson was accused of delaying the tee time of some female players. A club spokesman defended Simpson, saying that he could only play as fast as the group ahead, adding, "O.J. Simpson had nothing to do with the delay, he just happened to be here today." Simpson added that while they were on the subject, he also had nothing to do with killing his wife and Ron Goldman, but just happened to be there that day.

Howe You Doing? 03.19.97

Gordie Howe will celebrate his 69th birthday by suiting up and hitting the ice with the AHL's Syracuse Crunch, warning "Whoever attacks Gordie Howe from the back gets lumber". Promoters believe that the living legend will bring back the things that made hockey great: smashing players with sticks, bare knuckle fighting and setting the mascot on fire.

What Is It With Buffalo? 03.19.97

Eric Moulds, wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills, was charged with harassment after lifting a girlfriend up by the neck. Moulds is disputing the call, saying that it was never harassment; at best, it was a case of holding.

No Balls, Two Strikes 03.20.97

The bad news is that Olympic skater Scott Hamilton has testicular cancer. The good news, he says, is that he is now much lighter on his feet. The removal of his testicle will now bring Hamilton one step closer to realizing his dream of being Kristi Yamaguchi.

In the last joke, Kristi Yamaguchi was about to be replaced with Peggy Fleming until it was announced that Miss Fleming's coach, Carlo Fassi, just died. In the interest of taste, Miss Yamaguchi's name will stay in.

All Jazzed Up, No Place To Go 03.20.97

Karl Malone has moved into the top ten scorers of all-time with his 32 point effort versus the Celtics. This distinction makes him the most accomplished player to never win anything substantial.

Heating Up Just In Time For Cooling Off 03.20.97

The Miami Heat managed to secure a playoff berth in an overtime win versus the Golden State Warriors. This is good news for Pat Riley who can look forward to another first round exit this year and avoid another spanking at the hands of the Bulls. This will also be a great chance for Alonzo Mourning to choke in the fourth quarter of every game.

Stojko Has Left The Building 03.21.97

Canadian skater Elvis Stojko captured his third Men's World Figure Skating title, after completing the first quadruple toe loop in this competition's history. This extrodianry accomplishment, heretofore unmatched, will virtually guarantee him the chance to play "Baby Bop" in the next "Barney on Ice" show.

Goal! 03.21.97

A Brazilian soccer coach has been suspended for 14 months after dropping his trousers in anger when his team conceded a game. When asked what he would do with himself coach Paulo Mata said he plans on "just hanging out." An official noted after Mata's tantrum, "Talk about needing a world cup, look at those soccer balls!"

Friends Don’t Let Friends Contract Incurable Diseases 03.21.97

Tommy Morrison, who recently stunned the boxing world with his announcement of being HIV positive, was arrested for driving while intoxicated. Though he failed both walking the line and counting backwards, he recited the final monologue from "Angels in America" flawlessly and got off with just a warning.

The Heat Is On 03.24.97

Miami Heat sportscaster David Halberstam angered several players when he said, "those slaves working on Thomas Jefferson's farms would have made great basketball players", when describing the team. Keith Askin, whose rights are owned by the Miami Heat, an organization run by Southern whites, was one of the people greatly offended.

Vlade The Inhaler 03.24.97

Charlotte Hornets center Vlade Divac finally quit his 15 year, ten-cigarette-a-day smoking habit, after seeing his five-year-old son walking around the house with a pack of cigarettes. After seeing his son walking around with a blond on each arm and a pint of scotch in his back pocket, Divac announced he was quitting basketball.

Battle Roy-al 03.24.97

Roy Jones, Jr. lost Friday's bout against Montell Griffith because he threw two punches after Griffith went down. The hype machine behind Jones had compared his attributes to those of great fighters, including, "Chin of Duran", "Speed of Robinson" and "Heart of Hagler." They can now add, "Disqualification of Golota."

Nomo Mr. Nice Guy 03.25.97

The Dodgers believe that now that he's playing baseball in America, it's high time that Japanese pitcher Hideo Nomo be able to communicate with fellow players, and not rely on an interpreter. In an effort to remedy the situation, Nomo is being taught Spanish.

Five Yard Penalty, First Down 03.25.97

Two Bradford, Ohio high school football coaches were sentenced to prison for sexual contact with female students and plying them with alcohol and adult videos. The sentence was suspended and the two were given three years probation and immediately drafted by the NFL.

Dennis Rodman’s World Tour 03.27.97

Dennis Rodman is out until the playoffs. The NBA claims that Rodman has not been suspended and is not injured, he just wore a stupid fucking hat to the Oscars and must be punished. Completely by coincidence, Rodman's film Double Team will also be out until the playoffs, at which point, it will quietly fade away and become a late-night fixture on Encore.

Fresno Means No 03.27.97

Jerry Tarkanian's return to coach at his alma-mater, Fresno State, has already been marred by rumors of rampant player bribery and points shaving. One school trustee hinted that the college should have been suspicious after Tarkanian instituted the Meyer Lansky Scholarship for Bribery and Point Shaving.

From Hell’s Puck I Spit At Thee 03.27.97

The Hartford Conn. Times issued the following story about the relocation of the Hartford Whalers: "Know ye, all you who enter this tale of woe, that the Whalers be leaving port, with the wrath of God burning in the jaundiced eye of owner, Captain Peter Karmanos. Where this servant of the Devil plans to take his pitiful crew, no man may know, certainly not me, though the silent harpooner at my side says they may go to St. Paul, Minnesota or Columbus, places where no sane man would venture. As I write these final words, speechless at the thought of losing the young lads of Hartford, I think of Karmanos as he leaves, crying out to me, "Call me, Ishmael."

Laffit All You Want 03.27.97

Jockey Laffit Pincay Jr. suffered three broken ribs at Santa Anita Wednesday, when his horse went down and he was trampled by another horse. Ironically, David Rozowsky of Pasadena, California won $10 thousand betting the trifecta that Strawberry Patch would win, Black Thunder would place and Fourstattraction would run over a jockey.

Don’t Go Blue 03.27.97

The widow of infielder Jim Gilliam has sued the Dodgers for using his likeness on merchandising, and, subsequently, squeezing her out of millions of dollars. Dodgers management expressed disappointment at the possible injunction, but are pleased that people are no longer going to ask, "Who that hell is that guy and why is he on Dodgers' products?"


I Don’t Like Mondays (Tell Me Why) 03.28.97

Olympic Greco-Roman wrestling gold medalist Kenny Monday competed for the first time in the Extreme Fighting match in Des Moines. Monday did well for few minutes, until he got down on all fours waiting for the take down, at which point a masked Asian with chicken blood painted on his chest hit him with a logger's chain, knocking Monday unconscious. The Asian then stabbed an inkpen into Monday's carotid artery and drank the blood of his enemy to make him stronger.

Crazy Hair And All 03.28.97

A judge threw out a case in which a woman tried to bring suit for $750,000 to Dennis Rodman, claiming the basketball star pinched her ass. In celebration of the victory, Rodman beat two cameramen to death.

Meow. 03.31.97

In the Final Round of the NCAA Tournament, Kentucky and Arizona will vie for the national championship. Go Cats!

The Winning Field Goal 03.31.97

University of Hawaii placekicker Shannon Smith drowned this weekend while trying to save his coach's six-year-old son. Smith was pronounced dead at the scene and Chevrolet's Player of the Game.

Bump, Set, Spike 03.31.97

The start of a volleyball game in India was delayed Sunday, when a make-shift grandstad collapsed, injuring 150 fans. The stand was not structurally sound because no one imagined there was such a thing as 150 volleyball fans.

No On-The-Linesies 03.31.97

The U.S. Tennis Association will be preimiering a new magazine, "Topspin", in order to attract teens and pre-teens to the game. The first issue will feature Michael Jordan and Chris Farley in a doubles match, an ad for Topps tennis trading cards, and Joe Camel instructing kids on the finer points of the backhand.

Raptor-ous Bliss 03.31.97

The lottery bound Toronto Raptors defeated the playoff bound Miami Heat 102-97, giving the Raptors a record that includes victories over all the top teams. Management was quoted as saying, "If only the rest of the league wasn't so bad, we might be able to make the playoffs."

On The Thin Ice Of A New Day 03.31.97

The International Skating Union's year-long dispute with Japanese Olympic officials has been settled; the ISU will use the luxury housing to which it is accustomed versus the smaller accomodations first offered. The smaller accomodations, having skaters frozen in blocks of ice and then cryogenically re-thawing them just prior to performance, was deemed unacceptable.

It’s Alive In The Ninth 03.31.97

The death of horse trainer Paul Falkenstein is being investigated by the Los Angeles coroner's office as to whether or not he died of natural causes. Rumors that Falkenstein had been playing in God's domain by reanimating a horse made up of numerous body parts remain unconfirmed, but his horses did seem unusually frightened by fire and one loveless stallion reportedly vowed to chase Falkenstein to the ends of the Earth. The horse has been brought in for questioning.

Can’t Win For Losing 03.31.97

The Los Angeles Clippers are still making a bid for their first playoff appearance in years. The Clippers are two games ahead of Sacramento, who have lost four in a row. Coach Fitch has cleverly employed a strategy of only losing three in a row. With only eleven games left to go in the Clippers' season, they are hopeful that Sacramento will continue to lose.

The Heat Is Off 03.31.97

As the NBA season begins to wind down, many teams are expressing doubt that the Bulls will be able to reach the 70 game mark. They will also find it difficult to reach the, "mildly challenged" mark with all the other teams in the playoffs, and the teams expressing doubt might want to concern themselves more with the "Let's just not get embarrassed off the floor" mark. In an effort to make the season at least partially successful, the rest of the eastern conference is hoping to vie for the western conference title.