January 1997

Turning Water Into Manischewitz 01.04.97

Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is the news again, and, once again, for no good reason. It seems that Albright, who believed at an early age that she was Roman Catholic, is now considering whether she might be Jewish. Based on a report in the Washington Post, it appears that Albright’s genealogy can be traced to more than a dozen relatives that were Jewish. Albright said she never realized that the “odd” candleholder or the crackers made without yeast meant anything and that her overwhelming feelings of guilt were from being Catholic.

Dick No-Morris 01.06.97

Former political advisor Dick Morris and his wife Eileen McGann have decided to end their marriage. Morris is upset, saying he wanted to stay married because paying for sex won't be as much fun. McGann cited irreconcilable differences...That, and he was sleeping with hookers!

Ray To Go 01.07.97

James Earl Ray, currently serving a 99 year sentence for the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. was hospitalized in Nashville. His illness was not disclosed, but doctors say it could be a rare disease called “What goes around, comes around.”

Gulf Sin-Drome 01.08.97

Researchers at the University of Texas have come out with findings that suggest “Gulf War Syndrome” is actually three different syndromes, the result of three different chemical weapons. The Pentagon plans to release 15 made up excuses why they are not at fault.

Give Me Your Sick, Your Tired, And Your Joints 01.08.97

A San Francisco Superior Court Judge has decided to reopen a club that sells marijuana to the sick. In a related story, hundreds of U.S. college students have volunteered to work with the sick.

Which Commandment Is That? 01.08.97

A Brink’s truck overturned in a poor Miami neighborhood this week, spilling $400,000 into the street. Bystander James Toni was quoted as saying, “They deserve it...God sent a truck.” Obviously, this is not the same God who said “Thou shalt not steal.”

Remember Sadaam Backwards Is Maadas 01.08.97

A panel of scientists and defense experts motivated by President Clinton have been highly critical of the Pentagon’s mishandling of the Gulf War Syndrome. The Pentagon’s initial conclusion that “there is no single cause for Gulf War Syndrome” has been contradicted by the panel’s latest conclusion that the single cause was George Bush.

Galapagos 01.08.97

Scholars have discovered that explorer Charles Darwin may have had many emotional problems. Apparently, he originally suffered from simple depression, but the condition soon evolved into panic disorder and then adapted to form a case of agoraphobia. Most researchers believe that Darwin’s problems could have been solved if he had only walked upright and grew opposable thumbs.

Ladies First for the First Lady 01.08.97

Hillary Clinton has been nominated for an Grammy for “It Takes a Village.” This is the first time a First Lady has had a spoken word album receive this honor, upstaging earlier President’s wives efforts including, “It Takes a Crazy Actor”, by Mary Todd Lincoln, “It Takes a Wheelchair” by Eleanor Roosevelt and “It Takes a Second Gunman” by Jacqueline Kennedy.

Feelin’ Albright 01.08.97

U.S. Secretary of State-designate Madeleine Albright goes in front of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today for her confirmation hearing. Committee chairman Jesse Helms and other Republicans are expected to ask some tough questions, like: “Now you’re a woman, right? So you’re going to be Secretary of State...and you’re a woman. Do you think you’ll have enough time for housework? Do you know how to drive? Would you mind standing up and shakin’ it for us?”

Deja Vu 01.09.97

Today, as ordered by the U.S. Constitution, Congress officially counts the 538 Electoral College votes cast by states in the November presidential race. This means that Bob Dole will lose...Again.

Yes Serb 01.09.97

Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic has admitted for the first time to losing elections in the country’s second largest city. Milosevic, however, has still not admitted to committing mass genocide.

Telling No Tales 01.09.97

Timothy McVeigh’s prosecutors have nine people who can put him near the Oklahoma City Federal Building moments before it was blown up. Unfortunately, those nine people are all died in the bombing.

Stomping Alligators 01.09.97

Three convicted killers were executed in Arkansas last night, in the second triple Execution, or “Triple X” since the death penalty was restored in 1976. A group of guys that thought they were there to see a triple X movie were shocked and disappointed when instead of seeing “Three Chicks and a Vibrator,” they saw three men killed by lethal injection. The men still got off, however.

Le Cowards 01.09.97

The French have increased security in Paris by 1,000 soldiers in response to recent terrorist acts. All this really means, of course, is 1,000 more people to surrender unconditionally at the first sign of trouble.

He’ll Have To use His Left Index Finger 01.09.97

Ex-Presidential candidate Bob Dole, has made a public service announcement that encourages men to get examined for prostate cancer. This comes as great news for men everywhere, who can picture Bob Dole’s face while a guy sticks his finger up their ass.

Hey, Hey, Paula, I Wanna Harass You 01.12.97

Paula Jones' lawyer is predicting that she will win her Supreme court case to get a hearing on her sexual harassment charges against President Clinton. Legal experts are also predicting that she will then win a part in her own soft-core porn movie on the Spice Channel.

Citadel of Pain 1.13.97

Two of the four women cadets at the Citadel who enjoyed such nutty hazing pranks as having their clothes burned have decided not to resume classes this semester. Congatulations gentlemen, it worked.

Executive Sweet 01.13.97

Paula Jones’ sexual harassment suit against President Clinton has taken a turn. Attorney’s for Clinton have pleaded with the Supreme Court to grant the President immunity so that he can pursue his tasks as president. Like hustling chicks and getting laid.

House Party 01.13.97

House Speaker Newt Gingrich is opening discussions with black Caucus Leader Republican Maxine Waters in an effort to improve race relations in America. Unfortunately the talks weren’t going well because the Speaker couldn’t understand Waters, claiming he didn’t speak “Bubonics.”

Most Favored Nation 01.14.96

A congressional delegation met with Chinese President Jiang Zemin to “reduce difficulties between the two countries” relating to trade and human rights issues. The US has agreed to turn completely its back on human rights violations if China agrees to not pirate any more software.

No Souls 01.16.97

The FBI is bringing a shoe expert into the O.J. Simpson civil trial. Expert T. McCann is said to be able to prove conclusively that the Bruno Magli shoes worn by Simpson in thirty photos are, in fact, the ones found at the crime scene. Simpson defense attorneys plan to use this information to prove their latest claim, that it was, in fact, a pair of shoes that killed Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman.

Everything Must Go! 01.16.97

The state of New York has announced plans to suspend their 4% sales tax on clothing priced below $500 to aid retailers. The city of New York is hoping to make up the lost revenue by taxing crack, hookers and Spike Lee.

And The Lion Shall Lie Down With The Lamb 01.16.97

As per Netanyahu and Arafat’s accord, Israeli soldiers are carting off sentry boxes and other remnants of thirty years of Hebron occupation. Palestinians responded by saying “Now if they would only cart off the Jewish settlers. Then, there will be peace in the Middle East.”

Presidential Bid-en 01.17.97

In preparation for his inaguration speech, Bill Clinton is looking at great speechs from past presidents for inspiration. He plans to describe a way to build a bridge to the 21th century by asking not what the bridge can do for us, but what we can do for the bridge because we have nothing to fear but fear itself and have had nothing to fear for four score and seven years.

Nice Try 01.17.96

Bob Dole received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Clinton today. Apparently, this award has gone from being the highest award a civilian can receive to just being a consolation prize.

Whodunit? 01.17.97

Explosives experts are continuing their investigation over bomb blasts at an Atlanta abortion clinic. One bomb went off inside the clinic and an hour later another bomb exploded in a dumpster outside. Strangely enough, this follows the pattern of women who are denied an abortion at certain Right-to-Life "family planning" clinics and end up putting unwanted babies in the dumpsters.

When Your IQ Hits Ten, Sell! 01.20.97

President Clinton has said a proposal to invest part of the Social Security fund into the stock market is "quite interesting." So Americans can rest easy that Bill and Hilary are handling our money...maybe they can invest it in real estate.

Strike Out 01.21.97

Workers in Korea have agreed to government demands that they limit strikes to one day a week, suspending indefinite work stoppage. The "strike", also known as the "three day weekend", will allow workers to attend to the important business of getting a jump on camping trips, water-skiing, getting drunk, and having barbecues. Of course they won't be able to afford any of these activities, and a one day "strike" can't possible change that, but hey, it's still an extra day off!

River Deep, Mountain High 01.21.97

Attorneys at the O.J. Simpson civil trial make their closing arguments today, stressing what has been called the "mountain of evidence" that has piled up against Simpson. Attorneys for the Goldman family will no doubt tell the jury not to trust the "mountain of evidence", but rather believe O.J.'s "ocean of lies" and his "fields of manure."

A Whimper, Not a Bang 01.22.97

The 24th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision got off to a rocky start today, when it was reported that an "explosive device" was set off near an abortion clinic in Washington D.C.. As it turns out, the "bomb" was little more than a firecracker that went off in the hands of an employee of the Mayflower Hotel. Anti-Abortion activists all over the country were depressed at the news, as they planned to justify the bombing by saying that the man was just delivering a new type of abortion device to the clinic. We in the liberal media would like to apologize to Pro-Life activists for assuming that simply because an explosion was heard near a Planned Parenthood clinic, on the anniversary of the day celebrating the decision to grant women the right to choose what they can do with their own bodies, that they would react as fanatical, right-wing crazies, hellbent on killing anyone who don't completely agree with their views.

Tim Needs To Go Visit The Museum of Tolerance Right Now 01.22.97

Clinton’s nominee for Defense Secretary, William Cohen, will attend his confirmation hearings today. No offense, but wouldn’t our country be better served with Cohen being Commerce Secreatary or, maybe, Secretary of the Treasury, all things considered.

Eye Of Newt 01.22.97

House Republicans are on a retreat in Virginia to try and mend rifts in the party created by the way in which Newt Gingrich’s ethics violations were handled. The division is over the actual phrasing of the violations. Some Republicans prefer “misusing tax-exempt funds for a partisan college course” but others fear this may still be a little too clear. The more ambiguous “inappropriate appropriations from an appropriate fund for educational purposes” is favored by these Republicans, while those Republicans who favored the far more simple “stealing” had their tongues cut out.

Rock the Vote 01.22.97

The Serbian government’s handling of its local election has been criticized by the United States, stating that they are “extremely disturbed” with the Serbs’ actions. The US did state, however, that it is “extremely pleased” that the Serbs didn’t rape, burn or put voters in a mass grave during the election.

Future Imperfect 01.22.97

Scientists have determined that unlike what we see in the movies, people of the future will not have enlarged brains. They will, however, be bald, wear silver jumpsuits and have long, unpronounceable names that sound like something from a shtetl in Poland.

Halflifetime Warranty 01.23.97

Scientists in Ethiopia and Kenya have discovered stone tools dating back some 2.5 million years that are “surprisingly sophisticated.” One of the tools has a sharpish end with a blunt bottom, while another has a blunt end with a sharpish bottom. Another tool is sharpish with no blunt end, while a differant one, blunt on both top and bottom, turned out to be a rock. The tools were found in the ruins of the first Sears.

Buffaloed in Buffalo 01.23.97

Native American tribes, in conjunction with the National Wildlife Federation, have announced plans to reintroduce buffalo to the American West. Conversely the buffalo have undertook the even more arduous job of reintroducing Native Americans to the west and the white men is hoping to reintroduce syphillus to the Native American.

A Euphamism For Racism 01.23.97

The debate over whether or not to recognize ebonics, or “Black English”, has moved to the floor of the Senate. Once settled, Washington can move on to the issue of just recognizing blacks in general.

I Like Beaver 01.23.97

Penthouse magazine has won their suit alleging a law banning the sale of the magazine on military bases is unconstitutional. The law, passed by Bill “I Used To Be A Democrat” Clinton, is based on the notion of banning material that “violates community standards”. So while a magazine depicting beautiful women in sexual situations may be a violation of the military community standards, magazines depicting non-consenting underage Asian girls would probably be acceptable. The decision effectively means that not only does the constitution protect sleazy politicians who use it to avoid testifying about their own crimes, it protects me from having my home invaded by gun-toting Quakers when all I want to do is whack off.

Just A Gigolo 01.24.97

Republican William Cohen will be sworn in today as Secretary of Defense, making him the first Republican in the Clinton’s cabinet, or the second if you count Clinton. Actually, we’ve done this joke to death. Clinton really isn’t a Republican. He’s not ethical enough.

No More Grass Skirts 01.24.97

The government of Hawaii has passed an amendment to the state constitution allowing them to disallow homosexual marriages. Apparently when it comes to gays, aloha only means goodbye.

Sudanned If You Do, Sudanned If You Don’t 01.24.97

The Washington Post reported yesterday that the administration had eased a law barring financial transactions between U.S. corporations and countries accused of supporting terrorism to aid a California-based oil firm seeking a stake in a $930 million deal in Sudan. What’s the pricetag on human life? Apparently the bidding starts at $930 million.

Male Pattern 01.27.97

According to Men’s Health magazine, balding men who have swallowed the media-based paranoia that equates hair loss with virility now have new hope that research could someday lead to a cure for baldness. Until then, there is still plenty of sports cars and young hottie trophy girlfriends.

Trial By Liar 01.28.97

In his closing arguments, Simpson lawyer Robert Baker mocked plaintiff’s lawyers comments about Ron Goldman’s future had he not been slain. Baker said, referring to Goldman’s bankruptcy, “Let’s get back to reality, Ron Goldman wouldn’t have a restaurant now, he’d be lucky to have a credit card.” On the other hand, he’d be breathing, running, laughing and enjoying life with his family and friends. When asked why he brought up the bankruptcy issue, Baker said he knows a lot about the subject, considering he is morally bankrupt.

20/20 Re-Vision 01.28.97

Twenty years after the fact, South African security police have confessed to the brutal beating of Steven Biko that eventually led to his death. Perhaps in another twenty years they will admit the beating was wrong, and in another twenty manage a modicum of regret. Of course, in another twenty years they will meet the great equalizer and Biko's name will still be remembered, while his murderers will only be known as The Guys Who Killed Steven Biko.

Lima Alone 01.28.97

Police in Lima, Peru have reverted to blaring music at the embassy in an effort to force the guerrillas to release the Japanese diplomats. The guerrillas answered with blaring their own rebel hymn, but were deftly drowned out by The Police, who reunited for a Marxist guerilla benefit concert. This infuriated Peruvian police who threw an all-night rave. The guerrillas responded by inviting MTV personality Carmen Electra to throw an impromptu taping of The Grind inside the embassy, which forced police to throw down their weapons, because after all, who doesn't love to dance?

The New South 01.29.97

After years of living like proud southern bigots, the state of Virginia has decided to scale back the state song. "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny" contained the words "darky" and "old massa," but state officials now feel that 400 years of oppression might have been enough to prove their point. The new, politically-correct state song that is to be implemented this year is titled "Good Ol' Fashioned Nigger Lynching."

I Can Quit Anytime I Want 01.29.97

The state of Kentucky has drafted a bill that will allow slot machines to be put into race tracks in an effort to compete against riverboat casinos. According to the bill, a portion of the profits will go for treatment of compulsive gambling. The treatment: Problem gamblers will be provided with discounted lottery tickets, a subscription to the racing tip sheet, and an autographed picture of Michael Jordan’s father.

Rather Not 01.29.97

Convicted murderer William Tager confided to his psychiatrist that in 1986 he had attacked Dan Rather and uttered the phrase "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Rather was confused by the man because his handle isn't Kenneth, it's Rubber Duck.

Dressed to the Nines 01.29.97

Serial killer Henry Louis Wallace has been given nine death sentences for his crimes. For maximum effect, they will all be carried out, one at a time. Besides the gas chamber, electric chair and hanging, authorities aren’t saying what else there is in store for him, though we are certain that even if Wallace was a cat it wouldn’t matter, as he would still be dead.

The Lowest Common Denominator 01.30.97

A new study examining racial disparity in sentencing reveals that one out of every seven black American men is barred from voting due to a felony conviction. This is ironic when you consider that one out of every seven politicians is trying to avoid a felony conviction. Of course, what this statistic really means is that although over 50 percent of blacks did not vote, only one out of seven has an excuse for forgetting that they only recently got the right to be more than 3/5 of a person under the Constitution, and that sometimes the second denominator doesn't have to be higher to leave you with a negative remainder.

Sketchy Details 01.30.97

Tom Kessinger's testimony in the Oklahoma City bombing may now be suspect because one of the men he described has been exonerated. It was probably a bad sign, when the second composite sketch turned out to be a velvet Elvis. This comes as bad news, because Kessinger actually did give a credible description of Timothy McVeigh, but evidently close only counts in horseshoes and fertilizer bombs.

While The Cat’s Away 01.31.97

Nelson Mandela has made a conciliatory gesture and while at a forum in Switzerland, will relinquish control to the person who is seen as his main black rival, Mangosuthu Buthelezi. When first informed that he was giving control away to his enemy, most South Africans assumed he was talking about Winnie Mandela.

Fetus For The Prosecution 01.31.97

A New Jersey Judge went over the facts in the case of a jailed pregnant woman who is seeking an abortion, and ruled that the woman’s fetus has the right to an attorney, and apparently the right to grow up in prison. A lawyer for the baby stated that the baby had no comment, because it doesn’t know how to talk, and because it’s covered in a Vernix coating. The lawyer is busy fielding movie and book deals for the fetus. The judge also ruled that the woman would need state permission to have an abortion. Since the state is screwing her, I guess it should have a say in its future.

Once More...Without Feeling 01.31.97

The jurors in the O.J. Simpson civil case have to restart deliberations following the dismissal of a juror. We here at SC Headlines & News don’t want to sway their decision, but we’d like to send out a “clue”: O.J., with the knife, outside the condo. Don’t let him off just because Col. Mustard is a racist.

UnKempt 01.31.97

Speaking before a group in Boston, former VP candidate and present flip-flopper Jack “The Armchair Quarterback” Kemp said of the election “voters are looking for answers, not ideology.” Unfortunately for Jack, he has neither. When asked about running in the year 2000, Kemp was evasive, probably preferring to wait until someone lets him know what to stand for in 2000.

In and Out 01.31.97

Researchers from the United States and Britain have released a report that many people in Bophal, India still suffer from breathing problems due to the 1984 toxic gas leak from a pesticide factory owned by American Multinational Union Carbide. On the plus side, there is no longer a problem with bugs in the area. As a result of the study, parents across the U.S. are insisting that their kids stop taking unnecessary breaths because there are people who need them in India.

Let’s Potty! 01.31.97

Researchers in Montreal have released a study saying that a tendency to smoke, drink, and take drugs can be predicted in children as early as kindergarten. For instance, the kid who tastes like an ashtray when he’s sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, is likely to smoke, the kid who eats the whole bag of Oreos at snack time is likely to grow up to be a pothead, and the kid who wants to be a pilot when he grows up is sure to be a drinker.

Pay Back Time 01.31.97

The Internal Revenue Service announced that it will completely abandon a computer development project that has already cost taxpayers over four billion dollars. United States citizens have sent a letter to the IRS demanding that they commit to an unreasonable monthly payment plan to pay back the four billion debt at an exponentially-increasing interest rate. If the federal agency doesn’t answer within 30 days, Americans will liquidate the IRS’ assets with no prior notice.



GI Joe With The Kung Fu Grip 01.07.97

Mattel will discontinue production of the Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime dolls. Mattel is offering refunds for the dolls that were designed to eat plastic food, but ended up trying to eat children instead. Rumors the company may distribute the dolls to pornography stores and market them as “Little Baby Blow Me” remain unconfirmed.

Fucking Old Re-built Dodge 01.07.97

Ford Taurus topped American car sales for the fifth year in a row. However, ninety nine percent of Ford Taurus owners reported that they wish they had a cooler car.

Back to the Future 01.09.97

Liggett Group Inc., maker of Chesterfield cigarettes, is proposing that all of the tobacco industry turn over important documents to states that are suing them. I didn't even know Chesterfields still existed! Maybe I'll light one up, get into my Edsel, and drive to the World's Fair! Later on I've got plans to go to the sock hop tonight.

Got Juice? 01.08.97

Odwalla juice company has reported a $4 million first quarter loss, the company says the loss is due to the recall of juice products after a bacterial outbreak of E.coli in apple juice. Here’s a solution: Stop letting cows shit in the vats of apple juice!

Don’t Let The Car Door Hit You In The Ass On the Way Out 01.08.97

Nissan auto company is implementing early retirement plans and hopes to layoff at least 450 employees. As the employees are leaving, they will be wished farewell by a jovial Chinese man in a cap, telling them that life is a journey and that they should enjoy the ride.

Reserve Judgment 01.09.97

The Federal Reserve says outstanding consumer credit grew $7.4 billion to a seasonally-adjusted $1.19 trillion in November. The minimum payment on this is still $20 a month, however.

Tit For Tat 01.13.97

A congressional delegation met with Chinese President Jiang Zemin to "reduce difficulties between the two countries" relating to trade and human rights issues. The meeting was deemed a huge success. The US has agreed to completely turn its back on human rights violations, if China agrees to not pirate any more software.

Windows 69 01.13.97

Computer manufacturer Gateway 2000 has discovered that their promotional videos, which were sent out to customers, contained 30 seconds of pornographic material, due to the antics of a disgruntled employee. Evidently the joke is on him as Gateway's sales have risen 300%.

One of the Tribe 01.13.97

Wall Street is the new location for Jesse Jackson's Rainbow Push Coalition. Jackson will use the office to monitor corporate treatment of minorities and representatives report that he is happy that the new locale is in the heart of Hymietown.

An Apple a Day Keeps Chapter 11 Away 01.16.97

Apple Computer has reported a $120 million loss in its first quarter and warned investors that it does not expect to report a profit until the end of the fiscal year in September. Either that or until they start making PC compatibles.

Roger and Me Too 01.16.97

Workers in four Ohio General Motors plants have been ordered to improve their profitability. Union representatives tomorrow will announce that this is a good move, considering that when the plant moves to Mexico, workers will have a more impressive resume’ when they need to find another job.

Everything Must Go! 01.16.97

The state of New York has announced plans to suspend their 4% sales tax on clothing priced below $500 to aid retailers. The city of New York is hoping to make up the lost revenue by taxing crack, hookers and Spike Lee.

Violence Without Remorse 01.17.96

Because enlistments could fall 10 percent below target this year, Army recruiters hope to lure inner-city youths with advertising and incentives. The added bonus of capping people without interference from "The Man" is especially attractive, although the $833.40 a month plus room and board is expected to really boost recruitment of urban youths who make that in half an hour selling dope.

The Cancer Bowl 01.22.97

The Justice Department will review this week whether a large Marlboro billboard inside the New Orleans Superdome must be taken down. The sign would be removed to protect children from seeing the ad on television...and to make way for more pilsner-drinking frogs and the ever-ethical parade of football playing beer bottles.

Add Three Cans of Water 01.22.97

Minute Maid will debut a new product this spring, a soft frozen lemony treat retailing at $3.50 per 12-oz serving. If you want to get a jump, the product is actually already available in your grocer’s freezer...it’s called lemonade concentrate!

It’s Almost the Real Thing 01.22.97

Industrial chemical manufacturer, Branson Bros. is suing Coca-Cola for naming it’s new soft-drink “Surge.” It seems that Branson Bros. markets a cleaning fluid that is the same name and color as “Surge”. Even worse, Coca-Cola plans to sell the drink in 10-gallon drums at industrial supply stores.

Underground Railroading 01.23.97

Black farmers testified yesterday against the U.S. Agriculture Department in a a session examining complaints of racial discrimination. The farmers claim that racism is the basis for loan rejections and foreclosure, but a spokesracist for the USDA said that they weren’t eligible because they hadn’t yet purchased their freedom from the plantation owner.

Good Eating 01.23.97

The Center for Science in the Public Interest reported that 187 people have called its hotline complaining of severe digestive symptoms after eating products with Olestra, the new chemical-based fat substitute. The callers also complained of discomfort after eating decorative rubber fruit, bonnie bell lipsmackers and Frisbees with butter and maple syrup.

In Your Farmer’s Freezer 01.24.97

Florida State Officials estimate a damaging hard freeze could cause more than $270 million in crop losses. Tomatoes, green beans, squash, bell peppers and corn were the hardest hit. In a related story, kids across the country were elated at the damage done to the vegetables, and overjoyed that ice cream and cake crops were unaffected.

Nice Bottles 01.28.97

Officials in the milk industry say that feed prices are easing and as a result consumers can look forward to falling milk prices. With the production of milk expected to rise, there will also be a demand for more missing children. Farmers are pleading with parents to be increasingly careless with their kids so carton production can keep up.

Heap Big Business 01.28.97

Hilton Hotels Corp. made a hostile bid to squeeze out the rest of the competition by offering to “acquire” ITT for $10.5 billion in cash, stock, and assumed debt. This “merger” would give Hilton the Flamingo, Caesar’s Palace, Bally’s, and the Desert Inn in Vegas and would lock in their stranglehold on the whole gambling industry. The only holdouts are bingo parlors on Indian reservations who were offered $10.5 billion in wampum beads and beaver belts, but balked at the bid because of reticence relating to a previous land deal.

OshKosh Good B’ye 01.31.97

Clothing maker OshKosh B’Gosh says it is moving its manufacturing from the Wisconsin town where the company started 102 years ago to overseas facilities. Apparently the manufacturer ran out of “O’s” and has found that vowels are cheaper overseas. The manufacturing of overalls will now be made overseas. In a related story, Hot Dogs, Baseball, and Apple Pie are also slated for an overseas departure.

You’ll Never Take Me Alive, Copper! 01.31.97

Thieves have stolen thousands of miles of copper cable from South Africa’s state telecommunications utility in the past year, causing major service disruptions. In a seemingly unrelated story, rumors that AT&T have increased their service area and America Online has completed their network upgrades ahead of schedule remain unconfirmed.

Going Once...Going Twice...Wait! 01.31.97

The world’s smallest Rembrandt, a wallet-sized portrait of an old man, sold for $2.9 million at an auction at Sotheby’s. The private European collector soon learned to his dismay that the picture was a fraud, and just came with the wallet. Unfortunately “No Refunds” has always been Sotheby’s policy.


Repeat After Me 01.04.97

Sanford Meisner, one of the most influential American acting teachers of this century died on Sunday at his home in California. Meisner was buried in a black turtleneck and at the wake everyone gave him one last back rub as they grieved and elongated their vowels. One former student later complained that most of the grieving “wasn’t in the moment.”

Wanted To Be A Cowboy 01.06.97

Tom Selleck talked about his upcoming role in "Last Stand at Saber River," where he will be playing a cowboy. He said he's figured out why cowboys appeal to women, he thinks it has a lot to do with the wardrobe. "Every woman I talk to says she likes a man in chaps," he was quoted as saying. Yeah, as long as he isn't wearing pants with them.

What an Honor 01.06.97

Rob Reiner will be honored at the 23rd annual People's Choice Awards for all the wonderful movies he's made, such as "When Harry Met Sally", "Ghosts of Mississippi", and "This is Spinal Tap". Even though he has established himself as a Hollywood mainstay, he will still forever be known as Meat Head. Past
honorees include Opie, Laverne, Fonzie and Martin Scorsese.

Ladies First For the First Lady 01.06.97

Hillary Clinton has been nominated for a Grammy for "It Takes a Village." This is the first time a First Lady has had a spoken word album receive this honor, upstaging earlier President's wives efforts including, "It Takes a Crazy Actor", by Mary Todd Lincoln, "It Takes a Wheelchair" by Eleanor Roosevelt and "It Takes a Second Gunman" by Jacqueline Kennedy.

It’s A Our World, After All 01.07.97

Family themepark and perennial acid flashback Disneyland has shut down their Pirates of the Caribbean ride, in an effort to remove some of the politically incorrect scenes. Disney plans on installing scenes of modern day pirates...you know, the ones who pillage classic children’s stories and then barbarically merchandise all the characters, while paying their creative staff wages that are equivalent to a scrap of bread, all the while, terrorizing anyone who dares to mention their company name without compensation.

The Proof Is In The Martin 01.08.97

Troubles on the set of Fox’s hit comedy, “Martin”, have led to the departure of co-star Tisha Campbell, who is accusing star Martin Lawrence of sexual harassment. Network spokesmen have dismissed Campbell’s claims, explaining that she simply didn’t realize she was just unknowingly rehearsing episodes of the show. Upon reviewing the past five seasons, Campbell realized they were right.

He’s In His Golden Years 01.08.97

David Bowie is celebrating his 50th birthday this week by taking some time and reflecting on his life thus far. He was heard to scream when he reached the part where slept with Mick Jagger.

Mamet Dammit 01.12.97

Chicago playwright David Mamet is set to rewrite the classic movie, The Cincinnati Kid, adding his own special artistic touch to the film. The new version is rumored to be titled The Fuckin' Cincinnati Kid.

Mob 01.13.97

The New York Daily News is reporting that Sammy "The Bull" Gravano, who squealed on Mafia boss John Gotti, has a book deal worth six figures, the same amount as the six figure deal that is on his head.

Now Everyone's A Stranger in the Night 01.13.97

Frank Sinatra is still in the hospital after an NBC reporter told the public that he was suffering from Alzheimer's disease. Sinatra was alleged to respond by telling the reporter that all that really meant is that now he has to write himself a note to remind him to kick his ass.

Uncool Jazz 01.13.97

Filmmaker Ken Burns is beginning another documentary, this one about the history of jazz. He is hoping to do for Jazz what he did for baseball...Make it long and boring.

Who Doesn't Love A Good Lawyer Joke? 01.15.97

The legal definition of bad haircuts, Marcia Clark, has been promoting her new television series LadyLaw and $4 million book deal by claiming that the OJ Simpson case ruined her career. Apparently, "ruining one's career" is legalese for "making one ridiculously rich and unfathomably famous."

Don't Look For His Picture On the Jacket 01.17.96

Sources have confirmed that J.D. Salinger will publish his first new book in 34 years. School kids all over America, were unenthusiastic, as now they have another depressing, overly symbolic book to read.

Out of the Frying Pan Into the Closet 01.17.96

TV's Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres, has switched talent agencies for the second time in less than a year. A spokesman for DeGeneres said that she is simply "curious" about other agencies and is only "experimenting."

Dueling Coffins 01.20.97

James Dickey, the 73-year-old author of "Deliverance", has passed away. Several of the mourners at his wake were pleased to note that even dead, he still has a pretty mouth. Rumors that the poet died "squealing like a pig" remain unfounded.

Taxi Driver 2 01.22.97

Jodie Foster will have an upcoming role on “The X Files,” this February. Foster will be the voice of a talking tattoo that tells a man to commit murder. My God...Wasn’t Hinckley enough?

Washed Up Days 01.22.97

At the Paramount commissary is was Happy Days again when Anson “Potsie” Williams and former co-star Henry “The Fonz” Winkler saw each other and cried out. Anson reportedly screamed “Hey Fonzie!”, whereas Winkler screamed “Hey security!!!”

No Music, None of the Time 01.23.97

Cable owners have stopped Tele-Communications Inc. from removing MTV from their cable service. The company, supposedly, wanted to replace MTV with a different type of channel...one that shows music videos, for instance.

Almost All the Right Moves 01.23.97

Hollywood is reporting that Tom Cruise and Emilio Estevez will star in a time travel movie together. "Time Jumpers" concerns two FBI agents who can go back in time to film crimes to use as trial evidence. The hook is, they can only go back as far as two weeks and stay for only 29 minutes. This is very coincidental, as no Emilio Estevez movie is in the theater longer than two weeks and no one can sit through them for more than 29 minutes.

But Can We Get Erik Estrada? 01.24.97

Henry Cisneros, who during his time as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development was plagued by questions about payments he made to a former mistress, has been named the president and chief operating officer of Univision Communications, a Spanish-language network. Tomorrow, Cisneros will announce that his first project will be Mí Casa es Mí Casa, a soap opera concerning a high ranking public official who has an affair and gets caught making payments to a former mistress.

In Court, Everybody Knows Your Name 01.24.97

Actor Woody Harrelson won a legal victory Thursday in his campaign to grow hemp in Kentucky when a judge ruled that an anti-marijuana law which Harrelson had been charged is vague and overly broad. Harrelson is apparently addicted to rope and is currently seeking counseling.

Don’t Cry For Me, Argenqueena 01.24.97

The Evita soundtrack was the number two album in the nation last week, once again showing that the “gay man demographic” has plenty of disposable income.

The Decline of the West 01.27.97

How do you top the Rolling Stones in Super 3-D and Michael Jackson's Half-Time Fright Fest? Pyrotechnics, scantily clad women, motorcycles, Jim Belushi dancing on his brother's grave, Dan Aykroyd selling his soul, John Goodman ruining his career, the ZZ Top animatronic robots recycling their hits from 20 years ago, the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, lip-synching while scary-looking transvestites lip-synch backup, and an obligatory credit to the bungee-jumping stuntwoman who gave her life so that the world can have 20 minutes to refill their beers and get more chips. Better known as the Super Bowl XXXI Half Time
show. Now, that's entertainment!

Minor Under Glass 01.27.97

Jeff Smith, better known as “The Frugal Gourmet,” is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted two teenage boys. Reports of Smith singing, “I feel like chicken tonight, chicken tonight,” were reportedly denied and unfounded.

Mouse Soup 01.27.97

Disney has teamed up with Comcast Corp and will buy Time Warner’s majority stake in the E! Entertainment cable network. Executives at E! are happy with this decision, because it means they can continue with their “Mickey Mouse,” programming. This could mean new costumed E! characters to walk around the park, including a giant John Henson and a scary Joan Rivers character that chases you around the park asking you what you’re wearing.

In The Stars 01.27.97

Astrologer Jeane Dixon died today. Her last words: “I should have known.”

The Generous Gourmet 01.27.97

Jeff Smith, better known as “The Frugal Gourmet,” is denying allegations that he sexually assaulted two teenage boys. Smith claims the allegations stem from a controversial recipe: Chicken Ala Runaway. Take two small, young tender chicken breasts, baste in alcohol, threaten and bake, turning over halfway through.

Bus...Stop! 01.28.97

Speed 2, the sequel to the runaway hit movie, has gone over budget by 50 million dollars. Apparently, the cost overrun is due to an increase in local bus fares.

Alanis Music Awards 01.28.97

Alanis Morissette won an American Music Award last night for her 1995 album Jagged Little Pill, the same album that landed her the AMA nomination for new artist last year, leading to speculation that she never need make an album again, since she will continue to win awards for this one. Little Richard then received a special merit award for his contribution to music. The credit for the award was immediately stolen by several white artists.

Silver Streak of Bad Luck 01.30.97

MS-stricken, comic genius Richard Pryor has had even more bad luck relating to fire. The great-grandson of the comedian is in critical condition due to a case of smoke inhalation caused by a fire that also injured Pryor's son, Richard Jr. I guess it's not a good time to be the son of a black comic. Note to Flip Wilson,
Jr....watch your back.

Want to See Picture Pages of My Son? 01.30.97

Bill Cosby's wife, Camille, announced today that although she has appreciated the many gestures of sympathy related to the senseless death of her son Ennis, friends and family can please, just stop bringing over Jell-o salad, for the love of God, please.

I Can See Your Banderas 01.31.97

Antonio Banderas is considering taking legal action against Playgirl magazine, for publishing a nude picture that is “supposedly” the Latin love god Banderas. Banderas fans vehemently claim it’s not the same man: the man in the photo lacks chest hair and Banderas doesn’t have a staple in his penis.



The Epitome Of Hype 01.04.97

Mega-star and center Shaquille O’Neal is on the injured reserve list for the Lakers due to a severe sprained ankle. Doctors feel that the excessive weight from an undeserved $120 million contract along with O’Neal’s ego are not helping relieve stress on the ankle. However, O’Neal’s lack of musical and acting talent is helping offset the pressure.

Leaving Los Angeles 01.08.97

The Dodgers have agreed to sign first baseman Eric Karros to a four year contract. Karros is excited about the deal and looks forward to playing next year in Indiana.

The Magic Kingdom 01.08.97

The Orlando Magic are calling their victory over the 76ers with newly reactivated Penny Hardaway a turning point. I guess it doesn’t matter to them that the best player on the 76ers is still Dr. J. and that this is the same team that has played a tight game against the Phoenix Suns this year. With Penny Hardaway scoring an amazing 15 points, The Magic can look forward to victories over such stalwarts as the Clippers, The Grizzlies, and if they are very lucky, Boca Raton’s Beth Shalom Retirement Center Jai Alai team .

Suing Below The Belt 01.08.97

Andrew Golota is on trial for a 1990 fight in a Discotheque. Golota said he was confused, thinking that it was not a brawl, but a pay-per-view fight, what with the bright lights and music. In any case, boxing experts assume Golota will be found guilty, not for assault, but because he punched the guy in the crotch.

Is Doctor J.in the House? 01.09.97

The Chicago Bulls, Boston Celtics, LA Lakers and Philadelphia 76ers are amongst the “Top 10 NBA Teams of All Time, but only the 76ers also appear on the “Top 10 Suckiest Teams That Haven’t Won Since Reagan’s First Term” list.

Later for the Coast 01.09.97

As the list of prospective buyers for the LA Dodgers grows, the possibility of moving them back to Brooklyn also increases. Along with the Giants moving back to New York, the Lakers moving back to Minnesota, the Clippers going back to San Diego, the Ducks going back to the video store, the Rams have decided to move back to LA, but no one in LA likes football. In a related story, Muhammed Ali plans to change his name back to Cassius Clay.

Sexy Lawsuit 01.09.97

Two African-American female athletes have filed a discrimination lawsuit against the NCAA stating that freshman eligibility requirements are racist. The NCAA denied the charges stating that the two track stars were not denied because of race but because they were women.

Shu In? 01.09.97

Don Shula, the winningest college of all time, is one of 15 finalists for the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1997. There's only one factor that could keep him out...His son's coaching record.

Gloria Steinem Would Be Proud 01.13.97

Now that Nina Shahravan has admitted to lying about the sexual assault charges against Michael Irvin and Erik Williams, I would personally like to thank Shahravan for making it even harder for women that were actually raped to come forward. Thanks, whore.

I Gotta Towel Off 01.13.97

University of Oregon fans spat on Washington University’s coach June Daugherty during the Pacific 10 conference women’s basketball game. All that women’s sports needs now is for two female athletes to hold a gun to some guys head and rape him and they will finally be equal with men in the world of sports.

I Was Raped, Yeah, That’s What Happened 01.14.97

Dallas police are asking Nina Shahravan, the woman who lied about being raped by Michael Irvin and Erik Williams, to turn herself in. Shahraven was prepared to do just that, until officials received an anonymous tip that she’s been kidnapped by Troy Aikman and Emmitt Smith.

Hoosier No More 01.14.97

NFL owner Robert Irsay has died at the age of 73. In honor of his accomplishments, the body was moved under night sky from Indianapolis back to Baltimore.

All Star, All Old 01.16.97

Wayne Gretzky will be playing in his 18th All Star Game Saturday, which will coincide with playing on his 22nd team.

$81 Million, 8 Year, Double Lutz 01.16.97

Figure skater Michelle Kwan competes regardless of high fevers, flu symptoms and physical pain. Says Kwan about a competition in Russia last year, "I felt like Shaquille O'Neal was on my chest when I skated." Despite wearing a three-hundred-pound basketball player, Kwan was able to land a triple axle into a double sachow, but still couldn't make a free throw.

Champion v. Convict 01.17.97

Heavyweight Champion of The World Evander Hollyfield will receive $35 million for the rematch with Mike Tyson. $30 million of the purse will be for the fight and $5 million will be for beating a rapist.

Take It Outside 01.17.97

Governor George Pataki has vowed to outlaw "ultimate fighting" (a mix of boxing, wrestling, martial arts, and barroom brawling) in New York. However, Pataki, apparently, is not opposed to the urban crime, drug wars, and senseless murder ravaging the streets. Come to think of it, that would make for a pretty good pay-per-view event.

End World Hunger, And... 01.23.97

BYU football player Derik Stevenson was arrested for fighting at a male beauty pageant. Defenders of Stevenson said that the fight was simply part of his talent portion of the program. Other finalists showed off their talents by watching a football game, crushing a beer can, and suppressing their feelings.

Cut In Half Time 01.24.97

The bungee jumping portion of the Superbowl half-time show has been canceled as a result of the accidental death of 43-year-old Laura Paterson. Although this is tragic, at least she died for a good cause, making the half-time show 10 minutes shorter.

Graf’s Grift 01.24.97

Steffi Graf’s father has been found guilty of tax evasion and will be spending the next three years and nine months in prison. While there he is expected to learn a whole new meaning to the word “Love”.

It’s Da Shoes 01.27.97

Converse has signed Dennis Rodman to promote their shoes since he has been let go by Nike. Rodman will promote the Converse “Ballkicker”, a shoe great for kicking soccer balls, footballs, rugby balls, and cameramen’s balls.

Vince Lombardi, Go Home...Fast! 01.27.97

Superbowl XXXI proved to be a more exciting game than anyone had ever imagined in light of the last fifteen years of televised sleep aids. In fact, both teams actually showed up to this year’s championship match-up and the game was, believe it or not, close until late in the third quarter when the Green Bay Packers set every record in the thirty-one year history of playing football and having it count. But all this paled in comparison to Fox announcer Matt Millenos brilliant decision to use the telestrater to underline everything on the screen including the X-Files promo. Take the toy from the child’s hand and lets just watch football.

Jim Who? 01.27.97

Green Bay Packer backup quarterback Jim McMahon complained last week that reporters were only asking him about the last time he was in the Superbowl, which, coincidentally, was also in New Orleans and against the New England Patriots. Instead of running his mouth, McMahon should count his blessings, considering they could have just as easily asked about the eleven years between Super Bowls when Jim “When I Wake Up I Get Injured” McMahon played second string for such banner teams as the Eagles, the Cardinals, and the Vikings. Mike Holmgren took a lot of heat, mainly from loudmouth announcers, about his decision to not put the second string, and especially McMahon, in during the fourth quarter, but, perhaps, when all the endorsements for scooters, sunglasses and headbands start rolling in, McMahon can look at his second Super Bowl ring and thank the Almighty that he’s not the second banana to a wife-beating hasbeen in Minnesota.

Air Candidate 01.27.97

Superstar pitchman Michael Jordan has received a record-breaking two million votes for the NBA All-Star game. Upon hearing the news, Bob Dole demanded a recount. Rumors that the former senator, Presidential candidate and current credit card spokesman also accused Air of stealing his one-handed hook shot remain unconfirmed.

Maddens All-stars, No Killers 01.27.97

As part of pre-game festivities, John Madden announced his all-time super-bowl picks, and even had the legends themselves there. Broadway Joe Namath, Walter Payton, Roger Stauback and numerous other football legends were suited up for a fictitious game. It’s weird, but for some reason O.J. wasn’t there. You’d think he would be, considering how great he was. I guess he had something else to do.

A Gold Watch, But No Rings 01.30.97

Quarterback Jim Kelly of the Buffalo Bills, who led the team to four consecutive Super Bowls, none of which he was able to win, is planning to announce his retirement Friday. Experts are placing heavy odds that he will fail to succeed in retiring as well and expect him to make it up to the podium, begin his speech, and at the last minute, Scott Norwood will miss the retirement-winning field goal and Jim Kelly will be forced to remain the quarterback of a losing team forever.

Rainbow Therapy 01.30.97

The list of people who feel the need to interfere with the NBA decision to suspend Dennis Rodman grows as the Reverend Jesse Jackson says he is planning to meet with commissioner David Stern. Jackson also plans to meet with Bulls coach Phil Jackson about improvements to the triangle offense and to lead an intervention for Michael Jordan's addiction to scoring, and then fly to Hymietown to help Tawana Brawley with her free throw shooting.


Apparently It Was Boxing Day 01.31.97

In Nashville, a fight broke out during a boxing match when a discrepancy arose over exactly how many rounds the fight should have been. Everyone from the promoter to the cornermen ended up involved in the fight and, according to some reports, referee Billy Collins threw the first punch. Although the winner of the actual fight is now in question, Collins is now the undisputed WWF Battle Royal champ and is slated to face Randy “Macho Man” Savage next week.

What’s The Score 01.31.97

A federal appeals court ruled in Motorola’s favor by throwing out an injunction that blocked the company from selling pagers that displayed NBA scores and stats. The NBA claimed they had the rights to scores and stats until after the game. In this line of thinking, the NBA owns the rights to and should receive money for pagers, television, radio, newspapers, trading cards, people just thinking about sports, people who see a sporting event while they’re channel surfing, neighborhood pickup games, the Kurtis Blow song “Basketball”, and the letters “N”, “B”, and “A”. I can’t wait for them to license the dreams of young children who want to be like Michael Jordan.

RoBowe Marine 01.31.97

Heavyweight boxer Riddick Bowe announced that he has joined the Marines for three years as an active reserve. Rumor has it that the Marines will let everyone else go, and announce that they are no longer looking for a few good men, cause this one will do. First up, Bowe is expected to have the rebels holding hostages in Peru up against the ropes and then move on to “keep the peace” in Bosnia by “leading with the left, connecting with the right”. The Corps is excited by Bowe’s decision and feel that now, with Bowe on the front, the only threat to national security is Polish nationals who fight dirty.

Funktify!

His name is the Artist formerly known as Prince and he is funky. The Artist, or Artie for short, has released his first album since being freed from his Warner Bros. contract of sixteen years. His Royal Purpleness named his latest exercise in getting funked up, “Emancipation”, in reference to the oppressive nature of Warner Music, which Prince likened to a Plantation. And, of course, being paid millions and millions of dollars to release album after album of hit after hit is just like being stripped of your humanity , only you’re a lot richer.

But when the Artist isn’t saying something incredibly stupid or shaving his facial hair into Spirograph-designs or changing his name to a symbol that to me says “fishing lure”, he puts out some of the nastiest funk this side of the Mothership Connection. And “Emancipation” is no different. This three disc set of brand new tracks from the bastard child of Little Richard and Jimi Hendrix, once again with the New Power Generation, is a jam-after-jam high-intensity groove-a-thon dripping with the kind of sexiness normally saved for films that won’t be carried by Blockbuster. From the opening track “Jam of the Year” (which lives up to its name although which year has yet to be determined) to the final cut “Emancipation” , the album rocks with a fervor not seen since “Sign O’ The Times”. The standout track is “We Gets Up” , a song written about Michael Jordan and the Bulls, and quite frankly, you can’t go wrong with a song written about the greatest basketball player of all time and the greatest basketball team of all time. But only Mr. Formerly Known As can write a song about the Bulls that beats their 72-10 season record. Not since LL Cool J’s “I’m Gonna Knock You Out” has a song delivered what it promised: this song gets up!

Of course, there are some misfires in these 36 cuts, but look, when a song like “(What If God Was) One Of Us?”, written by the Hooters, the weak-ass Eighties band who singlehandedly sucked the soulout of music, and turned into a hit by Miss Nutrasweet 1996 Joan Osborne, can be funkified into a plaintive, soulful ballad, you can kind of forgive “Graffitti Bridge”, can’t you?

Prince can keep changing his name to an unpronouncable neutron, wearing So Fine jeans on the Grammy awards, saying the F-word on Saturday Night Live, and being a creepy little freak you really wouldn’t want to have babysit your kids as much as he wants. As long as he’s still here to funk around, the world is a much safer place.