SWB: Hello, this is Smooth Wooden Ball for SC Naked News. I'm here with Dana Gould. How ya doing Dana?
DG: Hi Smooth Wooden Ball. Good to see you again. I haven't seen you since the bocci tournament.
SWB: That was a long time ago. You had a pilot that was passed on.
DG: Yeah.
SWB: Was it sort of a double slap in the face that it was passed on by Fox?
DG: Yeah. Well the amazing thing is that I have been "passed on" by so many major networks now that it is part of an ongoing series of disappointments. What is so amazing about it, is that they spent over a million dollars to make it and then they just abandon it.
SWB: Did they give you any reasons why they didn't like it?
DG: Technically... no. I know the reasons why they didn't go for it but-
SWB: --And what would those be?
DG: They went with an ethnic lineup for their new comedies and I guess "Irish" wasn't one of those ethnicities. So that's fine. It's sorta payback time for the blue-eyed devil as far as TV lineups are concerned. I'm the Irish Rosa Parks as far as the Fox schedule is concerned.
SWB: So what are some other things you're working on then? You have a CD that's coming out?
DG: Yeah... I have my first CD coming out in July and that'll be on Virgin.
SWB: Let me ask you something. How long do you think it will take before it winds up in the bargain bin.
DG: I'm hoping to go straight to the bargain bin. Well, if the CD works like the show... it'll never be released. They'll get a big shipment in and melt them. I'll get a big, BIG metal ball in my backyard. "Those are my CDs!"
You have a very negative slant to your questions and I don't mind telling you that. You're just a discarded castor.
SWB: I didn't just roll out of the musket pile. Well right now your image is on the screen... would you like to see it do something cool?
DG: Yes. I have always wanted to have a chainsaw hand like "Ash" in "Evil Dead."
SWB: Okay, let's get the chainsaw hand on there. Have you ever been drunk? I mean, really drunk.
DG: I've been drunk with a lack of power. Some people get drunk on power. I get drunk with a lack of power. I wake up sometimes in the morning and realize that I can't affect change or tell anyone what to do. And it gets me silly.
SWB: I was wondering what it would be like to get a prank phone call from, oh I don't know... Don Knotts.
DG: Well that's the problem with Don Knotts. He can't make crank phone calls. He has that super identifiable voice. Well, you know he'd like to make crank phonecalls. He's up at 3 a.m. in a dirty bathrobe.
"Well (sniffing) I been looking at you in your bedroom window."
"Is this Don Knotts? Ewww."
"How the hell do they know it's me all the time."
Vincent Price had the same problem.
"(As Vincent) You know, I can't help noticing that you were wearing that blue sundress today."
"Who is this?"
"It's not Vincent Price!
SWB: If you could eat one thing everyday... what would that be?
DG: Diana Rigg.
SWB: Alright, ladies and gentleman... this has been the Smooth Wooden Ball with Dana Gould. Thanks for being on the show.
DG: I had a great time. I have slightly less depth in real life I'd like to tell the viewers.
Friday, January 12, 2007
May 1997
5/8/97
I Koran. I Koran So Far Away. I Couldn't Get Away.
In Kabul, Afghanistan, the Taliban religious police re-emphasized their ban on the use of
paper bags, the reason being that recycled paper may contain pages of the Muslim holy
book, the Koran. Grocery store employees have been instructed to ask, "Is plastic okay
or would you like to be stripped, beaten and put on display in the public square as a
religious offender?"
Star 69. Get it?
The trial of Timothy McVeigh focused on phone records this week, with prosecutors
claiming they can trace his involvement to the bombings with certain key phone calls.
They point to one call in particular, made to "1-900-EAT-JUGS," where a "saucy"
McVeigh tells an operator, "Oh baby, I'm gonna blow like a seven story building!"
Checkered Tie
IBM ubercomputer Deep Blue played Garry Kasparov to the second consecutive draw of
their $1.1 million re-match. Kasparov has already announced his intentions to donate a
portion of his prize money to pediatric hospitals in his homeland. Whereas Deep Blue
commented, "I'm getting me some of them robot legs. I could run fast, like a cheetah!"
Who Do You Want to Sue Today?
Software maker Borland International is suing Microsoft, accusing the bigger rival of
raiding its staff for top software engineers and marketing managers. In response, a
spokesman for Microsoft commented, "You will be assimilated, resistance is futile."
Size Nine-West
The Securities and Exchange Commission inquired into the accounting practices of the
Nine-West Group, a popular women's shoe manufacturer. This probe has caused shares
to tumble 18%. Wall Street analysts say they would not recommend investing at this
time, saying it would be as risky as "white flats in winter."
The Burning Head
Police are investigating Farrah Fawcett's on charges of breaking and entering and grand
theft. Police say they are baffled and may have to call in an elite investigative force of
three attractive women to solve the crime.
Jeffrey Dharma
Indian serial killer "The Serpent" gave an exclusive interview to ABC's "PrimeTime
Live" Wednesday from his home in France. When asked if he had plans to continue his
mass-murdering ways, he responded, "Well, does it tip you off any that I'm still calling
myself `The Serpent?'"
Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, subbing for Sappho Maschismo, who is out with a case of the vapors. I am standing in front of my Sports Apparatus. This gentle construct promises to reveal interesting data corresponding to your American sports news. Shall it stand the test of time? Hm, no matter.
Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her a what-for.”
In cricket news, Hampshire’s former England batsman Robin Smith hit a brave 92.
And in your American football, Tigers pitcher Willie Blair suffered a broken jaw when he was hit by a line drive. He was kept overnight at a Lutheran Medical Center while surgeons argued about who had to dig the was of tobacky out of his swollen bloody cheek.
You put your hand up on my hip, and when you dip, I dip, we dip. I’m Chadwyre R. Dickens with the sports.
Say It Ain't So, Joe
Chicago Whitesox outfielder Tony Phillips back after serving a two day suspension
blasted American League President Gene Budig, claiming "he doesn't like what I did or
he doesn't like me because I'm this color." Phillips, the only African American to ever
play baseball, has been severely targeted by an intolerant league.
Dribbles and Dragons
The Washington Bullets officially will become the Washington Wizards, the team
announced Wednesday. They also plan to unveil their new logo, a twelve-sided die that
will spill the sanguine blood of the wendigo.
5/9/97
Small Fry
US House Of Representatives has passed a bill that will allow juveniles to be tried as adults. In cases where capital punishment is involved, the offending youngster will be lured into the chamber with the promise of a “ride in the magic rocket chair” transporting them to the mythical “Lollypop Forest.”
Social Studies
Test scores released that girls have caught up to boys in math and science. Boys are still better, though, at drinking and being pricks.
It’s Greek to Me
Archeologists claim they’ve found Aristotle’s classroom from ancient Greece. They found an old desk with the message, “Mr. Aristotle has a fat ass” carved in the top.
Drugs Not Hugs
Biotechnology giant Amgen is gearing up to aggressively expand operations to accommodate its shift to a multi-drug company. Among the drugs the company expects to introduce is a stem cell stimulating factor for chemotherapy and a lotion that can turn you into a centaur.
Urge to Merge
Privately held Wall Street brokerage firm Oppenheimer & Co. Inc. is currently in talks with a possible suitor on being acquired, a company source says. A senior executive told reporters “There is no official comment, although we’d like to tell our suitor we think he’s dreamy and we love the corsage he sent.”
Mickey Louse
A lawsuit implicating several Walt Disney employees in a sexual harassment suit is about to conclude. Eisner said, ”Like it or not, we are Disney and we’re held to a higher standard.” Still no indication as why this philosophy was not applied to Disney’s recent film “Jungle 2 Jungle.”
Blockbusted
Blockbuster Video is being blamed by its new parent company Viacom for recent losses due to the departure of former CEO Bill Fields. Asked why he resigned, Fields indicated he was tired of making the extra stop just to pick up his porno, but stated, ”I don’t make as much here at Glory Hole Video but I’m saving gas.”
Beef and Barkley
After an embarrassing defeat to Seattle on Wednesday, Houston forward Charles Barkley blasted his team, saying, “You can come up with a lot of excuses, but they kicked our butts.” Barkley’s excuses included: “I was facing the wrong way; Why do we always have to play basketball?” and “Technically, we’re all winners.”
Four Legs Good, Two Legs Better
Kentucky Derby winner Silver Charm dumped his rider Thursday at Pimlico and galloped wildly off solo. The stray colt, the early favorite for the Preakness, was quickly caught by outrider Bill Rudolph. Mr. Rudolph is now favored 2:1 in the Preakness, and is looking forward to be putting out to stud.
5/12/97
He Blue It
After forfeiting the final game of his match with supercomputer Deep Blue, chess champion Garry Kasparov stated, “I am still the best human player on the planet, and can beat most major appliances, including blenders, toasters, and wet dry-vacs.” Deep Blue was in the mood for a little trash talk too, saying, “Tell that Siberian bitch to come around anytime he’s in the mood for another supercomputer-style smackdown.”
I’ve Been Framed!
Seven months after a kindergarten teacher branded and humiliated a girl by scrawling “Where are my glasses?” on her face with a marker, a lawsuit has been filed. When asked why they waited so long, the girl’s mother replied, “The Post-It note reminding me fell off my cheek.”
You Go Girls!
Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, one million black women plan to attend a similar rally in Philadelphia. Organizers say the demonstration, taking place this fall, will focus on single parenting issues, drugs in the inner city, and “how fine that Denzel is.”
Pull the Plug
Powermatic Data Systems has announced that it will no longer be a reseller of Hewlett-Packard products. In fact, PDS said it ended the relationship with HP at the end of April but that they were still friends and they could go out, but not like really going out, like going out to get something to eat or something.
The Devil Made Me Drink It
The rock band Motley Crue has announced the unveiling of their new brand of soda, Motley Brue. The soda company also plans to release other beverages, including “Root Beer And The Blowfish,” “The Jon Spencer Foam Explosion,” “Butthole Citrus,” “A Tribe Called Quench,” and “The Notorious P.O.P.”
Heppy Birthday
Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.
This 10 Wants 5
Dudley Moore’s estranged wife, Nicole Moore, has filed a $5 million lawsuit against him, claiming that she has suffered from physical and verbal abuse during their five-year marriage. Moore claims that he’d been caught between the moon and New York City.
Fingering Success
Atlanta Hawks center Dikembe Mutombo, after blocking a shot by the Bulls’ Brian Williams on Saturday, stood at the baseline and waggled his finger at the crowd in what has become his trademark. However, the ball was still in play and the Bulls’ strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen picked it up and scored. Mutombo will next be seen waving goodbye to the playoffs.
No Love… Lost
In tennis news, Mary Pierce had an easy win over Conchita Martinez at the Italian Open with a 6-4, 6-0 victory. Martinez was clearly disabled by neck spasms during the match, but Pierce had no mercy, returning every pathetic lob from Conchita screaming “ I’m bored!” and “Here’s one for your neck!”
Supercomputer Deep Blue bested Garry Kasparov in their final game of chess on Sunday, leaving behind some sour grapes. Kasparov accused IBM of programming the computer specifically to beat him, and that it had “nothing to do with science.” IBM programmers replied, “Kasparov is correct. We created Deep Blue from flora and fauna found only in the fairy netherworlds of Mordoll. Oh, and Mr. Kasparov? You are a jackass.”
Deep Blue celebrated its win by spending a night on the town with a cappuccino maker “built like a brick shithouse.”
Public Enemy rapper Chuck D has signed with Fox News Channel to supply on-air commentaries and occasional news reports. Similarly, ex-partner Flava Flav is supplying commentaries to homeless people concerning “all the people that ‘dissed’ him.”
Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.
Michael Jackson is coming out with an album this month, but Epic Records is taking a “low-key approach” in promoting it. Executives claim this approach includes medium rotation on MTV, minimal advertising in the trades, and never mentioning Michael Jackson is a kiddie-grubbing pedophile.
5/15/97
Do Fries Come with that Shake?
The FDA is nearing approval of an anti-obesity drug that blocks the absorption of fat that a fat person eats. The drug works this way: A really fat person, or any fat person, takes this pill and then this certain fat person eats like the fat person that he is, and a lot of the fat eaten by old fatty is not absorbed by his big fat body.
Chico and "The Man"
Immigration officials are attacking the Mexican government for the apathy they've shown over the flood of counterfeit documents being used at the border. In rebuttal, Mexican officials remind the US, "We've got a real live goat sucking monster roaming our country and that's all you guys care about? Not cool."
Dismembers Only
After a harrowing ordeal, Los Angeles doctors were successful in re-attaching the arm of a boy after a laundromat dryer severed it. A full recovery is expected. The child thanked the heroic doctors, adding that his arm never felt so soft and fluffy.
Copying is as Easy as ABC
ABC News is unveiling its 24-hour online news service called abc.news.com squarely aimed at competing with MSNBC. To welcome the Internet news service Bill Gates, from his hidden mountain fortress, had 53 dozen pizzas sent over and billed it to Peter Jennings.
Up in Smoke
Because of a recent landmark court decision, the Liggett Group, makers of Eve, L&M, and Chesterfield brand cigarettes, now only print "Warning: Smoking is addictive" on their labels. This week, they released this statement: "We were able to prove that the twenty-six people who actually buy these brands are well aware of the dangers of smoking, if not long dead from them."
Abra-Cadaver
Legendary magician Harry Blackstone Jr. died Wednesday of pancreatic cancer at the age of 62. Towards the end, he reportedly claimed that the cancer was his own magical doing and often referred to it as his "last great escape." Blackstone's last words were "Let's see that bastard Copperfield top this."
Take Your Own Advice
Several radio stations will air a public service announcement Friday featuring singer Tori Amos. The PSA will contain a message recorded by Amos, followed by her song Silent All These Years, but preceded by listeners frantically scrambling to turn off their radios.
Jersey "Net"
Olympian Rebecca Lobo's high school basketball jerseys were stolen from a trophy case at Massachusetts's Regional High last weekend. Police say they are looking for a suspect who is 18-25 years old, has dark hair and dark features, and "is wearing one of Rebecca Lobo's basketball jerseys."
Out of the Woods
Tiger's father, Earl Woods, told the press this week, "Fuzzy Zoeller should go to K-Mart and buy some common sense." Earl seemed puzzled when pressed on how one would acquire common sense at a retail store, but was spotted later creating a disturbance at Bob's Golf Shop while demanding a refund for his sense of humor.
5/19/97
The Control Group Isn't Complaining
President Clinton apologized this week to the Tuskegee survivors who were used in a government experiment to monitor the ravages of syphilis. Clinton stated, "What the government did was shameful and experimentation of this kind will never happen again." The President was then whisked off by his genetically-engineered winged secret service agents to his three-o'clock with Dr. Moreau.
Bored of Education
Religious groups are calling for the removal of a South Carolina State Board of Education member after an inflammatory remark at a public meeting. Henry Jordan claimed he was "only trying to be funny" when he said, "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims." He was later informed that if he wanted to be funny he should have said, "Screw the Muslims and tell those Buddhists to keep it down!"
Monopoly v1.2
Overfed software behemoth Microsoft wants to prove that its high-end Windows NT operating system can handle the largest and most complex business tasks. In a demonstration scheduled for this week, Microsoft Giant Brain Holder Bill Gates will demonstrate that with his new software it's easier to get E-mail, schedule appointments, and hold hostage "all that humanity finds sacred."
One Foot Out of the Grave
Menorah Gardens, a Florida funeral home, was ordered to pay $1.25 million to the family of an amputee who was buried without the legs she had entrusted to them for safekeeping. Punitive damages were awarded to the woman's husband, Joel Cohen, for his emotional distress. When asked about his plans for the millions, Cohen replied, "Legs, baby. Millions and millions of little tiny gams-- then I'll bury them alongside the dead, and when the bowels of Hell are filled, zombie legs will rise again, in an army loyal only to me!"
Monday Night Ball
Tabloid paper the Globe published pictures last week showing Frank Gifford in a New York hotel room embracing a woman other than his wife, Kathie Lee. Insiders say the troubles in their marriage began several years ago, when Frank awoke one day and realized that he was lying next to Kathie Lee Gifford.
Slyer Stallone
Sylvester Stallone this weekend kept the media guessing as to whether or not he married his girlfriend Jennifer Flavin in a top-secret ceremony. Media pundits claim the guessing "didn't take long," as they only had two choices: yes or no. The press got it on the second try.
Beefin' Barkley
Charles Barkley, responding to teammates complaining about the one-day break before Monday's game against Utah, said, "If you're tired, get another job. You can rest when you're dead." When asked for comment, George Burns responded, "I don't know what Charles is talking about, there's no rest down here. Every day they make me push this boulder up a hill, just so it can fall right back down."
Return to Sender, Mailman
Karl Malone, who led the NBA in no statistical categories, was awarded Most Valuable Player from a panel of sports writers. This is the last year for the current MVP system, which next season will officially be called "The Most Valuable Player Who Isn't Michael Jordan." Jordan is still favored 2:1 to win the award.
5/20/97
Minute Aid
After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."
Cloak and Dollars
The Federation of American Scientists sued the CIA this week to force the agency to reveal the size of its budget. The CIA said that it would reveal its general budget but would not site exact expenditures for such items as the new Mach 5, Invisible CrËme, Rocket Shoes, and the Flying Razor Hat.
Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave
Federal antitrust regulators are investigating Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained Little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied!"
Pilot Light
Continental Airlines has announced this week its plans to offer pilots pay increases adding up to only 10 percent over six years. A spokesman for the pilots says they are "elated," adding, "now we can get that can of pop we've had our eye on."
The Gifford That Keeps On Giving
Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford issued a joint statement this week urging for their privacy in the wake of allegations of Frank's extra-marital affair. Sources claim Kathie Lee is "disappointed" with Frank, who she has been quoted as calling her "love machine." When informed of her misfortunes, IBM supercomputer Deep Blue commented, "If she ever needs a real love machine, that freak can get busy with the business end of my hard drive 24-7."
This Icy Is Too Pricey
Sources tell Variety the price tag for making the James Cameron movie "Titanic" could approach $300 million. The good news is it doesn't sink. That would have been too expensive to make.
Tall Tales
The NBA has told its 29 teams they cannot sign seven foot nine inch North Korean basketball player Ri Myong Hun, who is currently residing in Canada. When told of this, Hun allegedly said, "What do I care? I'm a big huge freak! The world is my oyster! I'm the tallest Korean ever! I can do whatever I want!"
Little Big League Man
In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"
5/21/97
Top Guns
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.
"Is that mine or....AUUGGH!"
A booby-trapped beeper hand-delivered to a waitress at her restaurant exploded and blew off one of her fingers. The intended target was her brother who lost the beeper during a fight with another man. The woman, who lost a pinky finger was taken to Bellevue Hospital where doctors say she won't be drinkin' tea any time soon.
Re: In Car Nation
Seven Buddhist monks were killed on Interstate 5 when a draft from a big rig caused their van to flip over. Twelve of the fourteen monks were ejected from the vehicle. "We're trying to put this behind us," said one of the monks who survived. "This was a traumatic and painful experience and we look forward to once again walking on hot coals and laying on razor sharp nail beds."
Aaron Henry 1923-1997
On a somber note, Aaron Henry, who led the drive for racial equality in Mississippi, has died at age 74. (Carl) That is sad, Cheryl. I remember when he hit his 715th home run to beat the record. He was playing for the Braves at that- (Cheryl) Not Henry Aaron, jagoff. Aaron Henry. He was a driving force in the NAACP, he filed a landmark lawsuit for reapportionment that cleared the way in 1980 for the election of himself and another dozen black representatives to the Mississippi State Legislature. (Carl) Well, we all send our regrets. And also, a big "howdy hey" to home run leader Hammerin' Hank Aaron.
A Penny for Your Thoughts
In a stunning announcement, H. Wayne Huizenga, Paul Allen, and King Bee Bill Gates have announced that they are buying everything. You will be sent a check in the mail for you and yours, and then you must submit to almost painful skin testing.
Jonesin'
For those of you who understand, the Dow rose 34 points to 7228. For the rest of you, just relax and let us worry about the money.
Neil Down and Put Your Hands In The Concrete
The four reunited members of Motley Crue put their handprints in concrete at the famed Hollywood "Rockwalk" this week. Observers say the honor was appropriate, because the legendary heavy metal band has been playing like their hands were made of concrete for the last fifteen years.
C'mon Seven!
Larry King and fiancÈe Shawn Southwick have announced their wedding date December 12th. This time it's for good said King, "Unless of course I meet someone different, or someone else, or anyone."
Backbiting
Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. "Marvelous" denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy, what you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.
Russian For a Rematch
Garry Kasparov has requested a rematch with super-computer Deep Blue, but the event is doubtful. When reached at an upscale New York nightclub, surrounded by an entourage of beautiful women, Deep Blue said it was "harvest-time" and he'd need to see some serious green 'cause a brothers gotta get paid, and that IBM should get off his tip and stop pimpin' his chess playing ass.
Carl: And now, for the weekend Traffic Report, here's R.J. Knackman.
R.J. Thank you Carl. Things look good on the 80 from New York to California, slight slowing around Grand Island Nebraska, I believe the carnival is in town, but from there it's smooth sailing. Now from where I'm sitting now everything looks calm, smooth, and blue. Very Tranquil
Carl: Are you over the ocean?
R.J. (nervously) No…
Carl: Yes, you are you're over the ocean.
R.J.: Traffic reports EVERY WEEK with R.J. Knackman
Carl: Thank You R.J.--
R.J. Why do you only call me on the weekend. There's no traffic on the weekend.
Carl: Thank You R.J--
R.J. Call me--
A fire this week at an Indianapolis warehouse wiped out most of the floats for this year's 500 Festival Parade. There were no injuries, and organizers say Saturday's parade will still go on. About 250,000 spectators are expected to view the event, which will now feature a girl who smokes cigarillos with her nostrils, a bunch of pals who own really expensive looking blenders, and a three-legged dog named "Pedro."
Authorities claim they waited several months to release the details because they wanted to ascertain whether the sex was consensual, which resulted last week in the realization that they were talking about Marv Albert.
Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences, but unfortunately, because we held the meeting late at night, until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."
Popular NBC sports announcer Marv Albert has been implicated in an assault case. Albert has denied the charges, and claims the woman told him she wanted to be in his new compilation of clips, "The Wacky World of Forcible Sodomy."
Michael Jordon announced that if coach Phil Jackson is not resigned with the Bulls next year, he will retire, and warned Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf then gleefully announced that Jackson will not be brought back next year, forcing Jordan to announce he will be back next season with the Bulls. A puzzled Jordan announced that he thought his strategy was sound and couldn't figure out how Reinsdorf figured out he was bluffing.
A British contingent is pushing for ballroom dancing to be an event in the 2000 Olympics arguing that it combines grace and agility with an established aesthetic. Officials are said to be considering this, as they had been looking for an event to remove synchronized swimming's stranglehold on most unwatchable event.
Democratic leader in the House Richard Gephardt has broken ranks with the Democrats and is opposing the President's new budget deal. Said Gephardt, "This is a budget of many deficits; a deficit of principle, a deficit of fairness, a deficit of tax justice, and worst of all, a deficit of dollars." He then added, "However, there is no deficit of long, run-on sentences."
A California woman says Harrods the venerable British department store, tossed her out because of her size not her attire as they claim. The Los Angeles resident, a confident size 18 has demanded an apology from the retailing giant. Harrods said she was expelled for violating the store's dress code. The security man who threw the woman out thought she was wearing tights rather than leggings. He claims it was an honest mistake because when you put a legging on something that big it's gonna stretch so thin it looks like tights.
A Texas jury ordered an 18 year old girl Tuesday to pay about $7 million in damages to the family of a boy killed when she lost control of her vehicle while answering a cellular phone. The girl wept as she left the courtroom because her parents are really mad at her and because it was a wrong number.
The House finally passed the balanced budget agreement today. Congressional leaders were very nervous about the outcome and were relieved when the bill passed by a narrow margin of 333 to 99. The budget pact aims to slow government spending for the next five years lowering the deficit to zero by the year 2002. Hardest hit were the elderly who's Medicare was cut by $115 billion, making sure the old farts won't be around by the year 2002 for the big celebration.
Continental Airlines has reported this week that they will soon purchase 40 jets from Boeing. A Continental spokesman says he will keep the press abreast of further "exciting" plans to buy things, which may culminate in next week's detailed account of their trip to Thrifty's.
Microsoft and Electronic Arts have agreed to offer some of their games through ICTV's Internet-access network. Said Microsoft All-Powerful Giant Synapse Firer Bill Gates, "This way, we can get them while they are young and their minds are malleable and free of distraction and open to the subliminal messages. Then they will be lured to the breeding city of Seattle, where a microchip will be implanted in the base of their spines, barcodes imprinted on their foreheads, and trained to become the Microsoft Army which will clear forests and destroy anything that does not further the cause of 'Gates's World'."
The Justice Department is taking a closer look at Microsoft's proposed acquisition of Web TV to see if the software monolith is breaking any anti trust laws. In response, Bill Gates from his hidden fortress plunged his face into a vat of molten gold and said, "Truly I am everything I love and by the way could you take it easy on me with the lawyers."
A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.
A maker of in-line skating equipment thought it could attract young male buyers by putting this simple slogan on it's clothing laundry tags: "destroy all girls." Arlo Eisenberg, part-owner of the company said, "The laundry tag was supposed to say, 'kill your parents,' but some people thought that was too extreme." And could result in kids getting grounded every time their parents washed the shirt. Other Anchor: What ever happened to nice laundry tags like, "decapitate a neighbor and tie their entrails to your spokes."
Universal Pictures and Steven Speilberg's Amblin Entertainment have agreed to do a feature film sequel of Casper. A casting call has been announced for the part of Casper and an excited Jon Benet Ramsey from heaven said, "It's between me and the Lindbergh baby."
Millie Bush, the English springer, and author died yesterday. "Millie went to heaven, the former president said, Unfortunately, it was Korean heaven where Millie was immediately eaten.
Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open day on Saturday to prove that the red light district is safe, offering the public coffee and other drinks. Their next prostitution promotion celebrates the year the port was established, sending bordello prices in a time machine back to the year1533 and offering twelve cent handjobs and froee copulation with the first 50 customers with scurvy.
Officer Robert Breckenfeld, a Santa Ana Police Officer, was discovered to be a bigamist with three wives. The department said they don't know how this effects their relationship to the officer, but until they review procedures, Robert can expect a strict "no cuddling" policy.
A top Russian General who served as one of Boris Yeltsin's closest advisers was arrested today on corruption charges that include taking a $241,000 bribe. When Yelsin asked him why he did it the General replied: "I know nutting."
Convicted killer Ramon Martinez-Villareal is in a good mood today. The U.S. Supreme court has granted him a stay of execution for the 1982 killings of two ranch workers. The courts want to hear arguments involving his mental competence. Apparently prosecutors find executing him in a sraight jacket disturbing.
The Hubble Space Telescope has been put to use tracking the weather- on Mars. It is extremely cold, with dark blue skies full of white clouds of water ice. Scientist warn that anyone planning a trip to Mars should pack an extra sweater and don't forget to bring a space umbrella.
The National Transportation Safety Board is updating its list of the "most wanted safety improvements" with such recommendations as safer fuel tanks that will not sustain a fire or explosion, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers in the cargo hold, and planes that don't blow up.
OR
...in the cargo hold, and pilots who really know how to hold their booze.
OR
...in the cargo hold, and lucky beads for all passengers to jiggle.
In Coalinga, CA, a van full of Buddhist monks was blown off the freeway by a passing truck, killing seven and injuring seven other monks. The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of the demi-gods, and said they were happy because traffic was really a pain in the ass.
OR
The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of human beings, rented another van, and continued on their way.
OR
After the tragedy, one of the survivors commented, "As according to our beliefs, the seven who died have been reborn and, oh, there they are. Hi fellas! (Go rent another van- this one's totaled.)"
As the Indianapolis 500 is just around the corner, we have a somber note, the youngest winner of the Indy 500, Troy Ruttman, died this week. He was 67. (Carl) Jesus! He was the youngest? How old are all those guys, anyway? That doesn't seem to safe, all those old guys zipping around the track. Well, maybe that's why it's so exciting. (Cheryl) Did you lie on your resume? How do you keep this job?
President Clinton criticized the fashion industry saying it glamorized the image of heroin by using 'heroin chic" models who strike poses that make them appear sickly and dazed. A spokesman for the heroine chic models said, "This is an outrage we are doing nothing to glamorize addiction...However before the spokesman could finish her point she nodded off into a bowl of pasta.
Attorneys for Timothy McVeigh the alleged Oklahoma City bomber are to call their witness's tomorrow. Former attorney Johnny Cochran is expected to take the stand first. While not associated with the case Johnny has promised to break off some fat rhymes to help get him off.
Pilot Kelley Flinn say's she is optimistic the service will grant her a discharge, rather than try her on adultery and other charges. Air Force officials say they will consider Flinn's request for an honorable discharge but first want to meet with Flinn over drinks to see if she's really a player...if you know what I mean.
After five day the hatches between the U.S. space shuttle Atlantis and Russia's space station Mir swung shut today as the two space crews prepared to go their separate ways. A spokesman for then uncoupled space stations asked if their any further missions planned said, "It's too soon to say but we'll always be friends and maybe sometime we can go to a movie or something."
In Yugoslavia, Bosnian Serbs announced Wednesday the formation of their own airline company. Sources say the company's planned slogan will be "Come visit beautiful war-torn Bosnia! No roundtrip tickets needed, as our Croatian foes will most likely murder you where you stand. We shall keep your luggage and distribute it among the ravaged dwellings of the innocents. Death to those who oppose us!"
A study this week reports that sweage carried by airplanes is spreading viruses worldwide. According to the study, several samples of sewage pumped from flights landing at American airports contained infectious viruses. Airline spokespersons are "shocked" at the announcement, as no one ever expected there might be something wrong with America's precious stockpile of filthy sewage.
Sleazy Ryder
The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma city bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"
Smack Attack
President Clinton lambasted the fashion industry for increasing the allure of "heroin-chic" trends, citing print ads that feature dazed, waifishly thin models with track marks up their arms. The President expressed concern for the influence 'heroin chic'and passionately implored the industry to get back to presenting the more wholesome image of anorexic fashion models with fake breasts.
Lego My Nazi
A Polish artist who used Lego's to construct a diorama of Nazi death camps has elicited strong objections from his own government and the Lego corporation. In a related story a representative for Lincoln Logs said, "We'd be proud to have an artist express himself through our product or anyone for that matter. Come on-- logs are fun!"
Don't Get Up
Mattel is introducing, or wheeling out, a new doll in its popular Barbie line: A wheelchair-bound doll named "Share A Smile Becky." "Barbie's world is now more like the everyday world," said a product manager for Mattel. The figure is dressed in a denim skirt, and when lifted to her feet, her legs buckle and she screams. Becky will be modeled after a normal Barbie figure, with the exception of the powerfully strong arms taken from thousands of surplus Hulk Hogan dolls.
Live and Let Die Already
Paul McCartney says he has a notebook of never-recorded songs he wrote with John Lennon. These are the earliest-ever Lennon-McCartney songs, written some 40 years ago. McCartney said in a statement: "I wrote them in my school exercise book. It's got 'Love Me Do' in it and four others that were never recorded." They are: "This Class Sucks", "Blow Me Do", "Teacher Puts Out", and "Pick Up Crumpets- Love Mum."
Return to Sender
A stamp-collector, upset at Bugs Bunny being placed on a new stamp, stated enthusiasts' concerns that "the higher purpose of the stamp program is being prostituted." He then went on to apologize to any prostitutes he might have offended, realizing no woman would sleep with a pathetic, stamp collecting loser unless he was paying her, then collapsed to his knees in gut-wrenching sobs, speaking wistfully of wasted years and parents who never took the time to make him feel special.
Air-Rent Judgement
Michael Jordan announced that if Bulls coach Phil Jackson is not re-signed, Jordan will make this season his last and warned the Bulls' owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "Don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf immediately announced the Bulls will hire a new coach. Jordan, found later frantically leafing through a book of poker strategy stated, "How the hell did he know I was bluffing?"
Expert Ball Handling
The woman who accused sportscaster Marv Albert of assault and forcible sodomy is facing a charge that she tried to kill her former boyfriend. The woman reportedly called her ex a month after the alleged incident involving Albert, and told him she would kill him, his dog and any girl he may be with. Police say this demonstrates a possibility of mental instability, overshadowed only by her previous example of this: Going to a hotel room with Marv Albert.
5/24/97
Top Guns
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Scarlet "A" on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.
Sleazy Ryder
The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma City bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency owner who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"
Minute Aid
After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."
Ivan Milkim reporting from an undisclosed location. I'm never goin' back to the joint. Try and make me. Message to the Warden...I know where your family lives. Got a lot to do. I need to drum up a fake beard, shoe polish, and a toothbrush. I've also got my eye on some elderly couple's Chrysler New Yorker. Bressler...I need a gun...preferably a Baretta 9 millimeter with a silencer and laser sight. I'll call later with rendezvous details. Don't try to reach me.
Backbiting
Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. Mr. Albert denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy. What you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.
Little Big League Man
In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"
"Sneak" Peeks with SKEETER AND WIZZ
Wizz and I were supposed to review Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, The Lost World, for today's show. The print ads claim "something has survived." From the looks of the trailer, it seems to be the exact plot of the original. Anyhoo, when we showed up for the premiere, the good folks at Universal wouldn't sell us any tickets. I think it had something to do with Wizz and his hygienic "problems." But I'll give you folks the skinny about what we saw instead: The Volcano.
Now, I had a problem with believability. The chances of a volcano destroying Los Angeles are about as remote as Tommy Lee Jones regaining his credibility. After seeing this stinker, Tommy Lee's Oscar had to file a restraining order. This movie features molten lava rolling down the streets of Los Angeles more relentlessly than Eddie Murphy looking for late-night "companionship." But if you like to see things burn as much as my buddy Wizz, save yourself two hours and set eight dollars on fire.
Now, our quick video pick for this week is Longtime Companion. This is a movie about a couple of buddies-- I think they met in college--and their troubles meeting that special lady. Until next week...
5/26/97
No Booz for Yooz
National Fraternity leaders across the nation are trying to introduce a new "substance-free housing" policy that would ban on-campus alcohol use, a rule that some fraternity brothers believe threatens the extinction of the Greek system all together. This possibility has in turn spread panic among effeminate male drama students and fat girls who are left wondering where their daily dose of shame will come from.
License To Chill
A Maine Legislature has deemed the slogan, "Ride Safe" to appear on motorcycle license plates in 1998. It was the closest ballot in Maine's Legislative history as it was almost bested by another popular slogan, "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No One Rides for Free."
Crisis in Trenchmont
Brent Muvahill reporting to you live from Addendale Park in Trenchmont where it is believed a 3 year-old girl named Tracy Amber Collinswood has fallen some two hundred feet down on an abandoned mine shaft. This is, as of yet unsubstantiated. I am making my way to the scene and will have more information shortly. Back to you.
Urge To Merge
A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.
Coltrane Keep A' Rollin'
Robbie Coltrane enjoys his anonymity here in America. "I'm just the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart," says he. But to avid fans of A&E's series Cracker, he's Dr. Eddie "Fitz" Fitzgerald, the hard-drinking, smoking police psychologist-- with the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart.
Fuzzy Sentiments
Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences. To be frank, I was afraid this meeting would never happen. Mainly because we held it late at night, and until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."
5/27/97
Hang Down Your Head, Tom Foley, Hang Down Your Head and Cry
The Japanese government, waiting for official word on who will be the next U.S. envoy to Tokyo, suspects that all signs point to former House Speaker Tom Foley. Japanese officials are pleased with the expected appointment, stating that they are relieved anytime a surprise guest to Japan isn't 20 stories tall and breathing fire.
Sky Die-ving
A small sky-diving plane crashed in South Florida killing six people on board. A 43-year- old woman parachuted out and survived the crash. When asked how she saved herself, she credited her fool-proof survival plan of having 6 back up parachutes.
America Out of Line
American Online says its "instant messaging software," which tells users who on its list is online, will soon be made available for all Internet users. While there is no charge for the beta version, a spokesman said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Wait, you can't because our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."
General Martyrs
3,500 GM workers voted to end their seven-day walkout after concluding marathon bargaining sessions over staffing, health, and safety issues. Although most workers are due back by the next shift, a few are expected back sooner to prepare the plant for restarting production, which includes polishing the leg-irons and waking up the tiny children that install the brake lights.
Welcome To the Creepiest Place on Earth
Sources close to Michael Jackson say the entertainer was so impressed with his reception in Poland last year, he wants to build a Disneyland-style theme park in Warsaw. Attractions for the park include "It's A Small World When You're In A Barn With A German And An Englishman," and "The Main Street Electrical Parade," featuring a cast of thousands trying to screw in the tiny lightbulbs.
Legs Get Ready to Rumble
Tina Turner says that despite reports to the contrary, her famous legs are not insured. Tina added, "My body is insured and my legs are part of that. I do, however, have a shoe- to-head policy stating if Ike even unlaces his shoe I get $400,000."
Complainey Slaney
Distance runner Mary Slaney is infuriated with reports that she tested positive for excessive testosterone at the 1996 U.S. Olympic trials, telling reporters "If someone were to ask me how I feel about USA Track & Field right now, I would say I hope it burns in hell." Reporters then asked how she felt about USA Track & Field, to which she replied, "Are you listening to me?" which then prompted the obvious follow-up of "How do you feel about USA Track & Field?"
Storm A' Brewin'
Taking issue with supposedly negative remarks from NBC, Houston Rocket star Charles Barkley retorted, "It doesn't surprise me. Those comments came from Hannah Storm, and women shouldn't be announcing men's sports." After an awkward silence, Barkley added, "Burn the witch!" and fled from news cameras, calling them "soul-stealing devil-boxes."
5/28/97
Jonesin' for Paula
The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Clinton could not be shielded from prosecution in Paula Jones' sexual harassment case. Attorneys for Jones are saying that she might be satisfied with a statement that Clinton "remembers her, that she was in that room, that she did nothing wrong and that she is a good person." Clinton may have said in a statement this week, "I do not remember her, I do not remember the room, I do not remember what happened in the room which I do not remember." The President also added, "How am I supposed to remember anything with her rack kickin' my ass everyday?"
No Nukes is Good Nukes
Jolly and red-nosed Russian President Boris Yeltsin stood in front of NATO yesterday and assured the assembly that Russian warheads would no longer be pointed at its members. As a festive mood overcame the congregation, a representative from Japan caught Yeltson's eye. "How long have you guys been members?" Boris asked. He then added, "You might want to forget what I just told you."
Thesis: Murder
A graduate student, who will face the death penalty in the slaying of three professors at San Diego State University, has pleaded guilty to first-degree murder. Trying to explain himself, the student, Fredrick Martin Davidson supposedly said, "I thought they said to kill them. My regular teachers let me kill them."
Head Shop
Police are investigating a human skull purchased for $7 from a Kansas City antique store. The store owner warned police to investigate all they like, they wouldn't find lower prices for human skulls anywhere in the downtown area.
1-800-M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y
AT&T has begun talks with SBC Communications over a mega-merger said to have legal and regulatory obstacles that are near insurmountable. " It's like putting a man on the moon," an AT&T spokesman stated, " it's not impossible, but it's gonna take a long time." Nearby NASA alum Allen Shepard heard this comment and retorted, " Shut your puke mouth. You don't look at the moon, you don't talk about the moon, you don't even think about the moon."
SMOOTH WOODEN BALL
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with SC Naked News and I'm here with Margaret Cho. Welcome to the show, Margaret.
MC: Thank-you very much.
SWB: When your show got cancelled, was that a shock to you or could you pretty much see that coming?
MC: Oh, I saw it coming when the show got picked up. I saw that coming when I signed the deal to do the show. I saw it coming so far in the horizon, that I could've just not done it at all and had the same effect.
SWB: So, you're whole outlook was basically just give me the cash and I don't really care.
MC: Absolutely.
SWB: Is your grandma as funny as the one on All-American Girl?
MC: No, my grandmother is a tyrant. Every time I see her she says, "You know, your face is bloated beyond recognition." This is not something you say to a granddaughter. That's something you say to someone who has been in a lake for a couple of weeks. You don't say that to progeny.
SWB: So I understand you are doing a John Woo movie.
MC: Yes, two days ago I completed looping on that film. It's called "Face Off. "
SWB: Do you get killed?
MC: No, I'm one of the few people that live.
SWB: Do you get to shoot a gun or anything?
MC: I get to shoot lots of guns and I do some kung fu.
SWB: Whoa! Does John Woo speak English? I was just wondering, because when they have his movies with English translations they're always a little bit off.
MC: I don't know why that always seems to happen. Always. In Hong Kong films when people are having sex they always say, "Oh, it's so comfortable! It's so comfortable!" Yea, it is comfortable, but that's not really the word you're thinking. But they always use that term.
SWB: What is the name of your character?
MC: My character's name is Wanda.
SWB: Is she kinda loose? Sleep around a little bit?
MC: No, not at all.
SWB: So much for getting dirt on that.
MC: I think I may do a nude scene in a movie I am doing in a month. But what is kind of upsetting about that is that I have the worst farmer's tan. I have the worst tractor tan like a V-neck, short sleeve shirt. The worst is that it will probably keep me from doing it.
SWB: I'm sure a lot of fans want to know when they can see you nude?
MC: I'm not sure when that is going to happen. But it will be sometime in the next few months.
SWB: So that is all you know about the part is that you are going to take your clothes off?
MC: Yea, I'm going for it.
SWB: Great, well all right.
MC: Laughing
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News with Margaret Cho. Thank you Margaret.
MC: Thank you Ball.
GOP Heads for TV
New York Republican Rep. Susan Molinari will soon resign from Congress and join CBS Television as a co-anchor of a Saturday morning program. The program is set to be called "Molinari and the Mystery Machine," and will feature the animated lawmaker who will fight such villains as "The Peculiar Purple Politician from Pickendarry Peak" and "Chuck," a 37-year-old lobbyist.
Home Imboozement
In Michigan, former cocaine dealer Tim Allen failed a sobriety test after police stopped him for driving his Ferrari seventy in a forty-mph zone. Allen, whose real name is Timothy Alan Dick, failed sobriety tests that included him reciting the alphabet, counting backwards, and when asked if he'd star in Jungle 2 Jungle again, slurring "yes." Authorities are seeking the maximum penalty.
If You Can't Take the Heat...
Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat has sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."
Tri-This
After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathalete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathalete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."
5/29/97
Not a Quitter
Pilot Linda Finch completed a 26,000 mile re-creation of Amelia Earhart's round the world odyssey. When asked how her flight was different from Earhart's, Finch said, "Well for one thing I didn't crash. Other than that it was exact-a-mundo."
Highway Robbery
In Detroit, police are still searching for a motorist who grabbed $20,000 that spilled from an armored truck on an interstate highway. The incident happened when the side door of the truck flew open and a car struck one of the bags causing the money to scatter. The motorist in his defense said, "I thought I hit a big canvas dog that bled money, so I decided to keep him as my own."
Saline On
Research shows that women who have breast enlargements tend to drink more, have more sex partners, get pregnant younger, are more likely to have abortions, use the pill and dye their hair. Check, check, check, check, check, and check. Everything a man wants and large fake breasts.
Bringing up Baby-tron
Playmates Toys Inc. has just come out with a new digital toy: A virtual infant on a key chain. Designed to teach pre-teen girls about the responsibilities of motherhood, the baby only grows with care and feeding. Accessories to the toy include "virtual day-care," "virtual over-indulgent grandma," and "virtual latch-key," which, if overused, alerts the "Cyber Child Protective Services."
A Cartoon of Smokes
The Federal Trade Commission has charged that R.J. Reynolds unfairly targets kids and asserts that Joe Camel is now as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. When the company asked for proof, the commission pointed to the millions of children who watch "The Wonderful World of Joe Camel" every day and write letters to him for presents each Christmas. FTC lawyers smiled politely, nodded their heads and then pushed a big red button marked, "Loony Bin Hot Line."
Speaking of Memories...
Entertainer Bob Hope turned 94 on Thursday, and "old ski-nose" celebrated in grand fashion, by first eating a bite of cake, and then blindly telling stories in his hoarse, damaged whisper of how he cannot recall the details of Dorothy Lamour's wizened face. America's best-loved white entertainer will next star in "The Road to New Jerusalem" with his estranged pals "Dot" and "Der Bingle." Happy birthday, Geminis!
Siddharthauchwitz?
Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer, 84, once tutor to the Dalai Lama and the subject of an upcoming Brad Pitt movie, acknowledged that he was a member of the Nazi Party. He called his association unfortunate, adding he'd just have to "grin and bear it," adding, "so if you see me grinning every time you mention my years as a Nazi, that's me regretting having belonged to the SS."
Ridick-Clueless
Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."
I'm a Loser, Baby
Ted Musgrave lost his 191st NASCAR Winston Cup in a row this week. When asked why he continues to allow actress Susan Lucci to ride shotgun, he offered no comment.
Creamed Cheese
A retired bus driver won $128,000 dollars in damages from the Philadelphia Phillies when their mascot hugged him and knocked him over. In a related story, the Harlem Globetrotters were arrested on assault charges when a bucket full of confetti was fired into a crowd of unsuspecting fans.
5/30/97 (Weekend Edition)
He's Da Bomb
As the jury in the Oklahoma City bombing trial listened to summations, they heard Timothy McVeigh described as a "terrorist" and a "victim of circumstance." Jurors expressed confusion over this saying, "How can he be both? Who are we to decide? What? That's what we're supposed to do? How much does this job pay?"
Sorry, Charlie
The Marine Mammal Fund accused Greenpeace of "selling out" this week, claiming they support a bill that redefines "dolphin-safe tuna." Disgruntled sourpusses are upset, as the bill now defines "dolphin-safe" as "chock-full of creamy dolphin" and "now with 37% more delicious, licky-yummy dolphin."
Out Like Flinn
America's first B-52 bomber pilot Kelly Flinn has agreed to a general discharge, avoiding an impending court-martial hearing for adultery, disobedience and lying in an official investigation. Twenty-six-year old Flinn says she has no immediate plans, although sources say a book deal is in the works. "It's kind of like " The Rules" for enlisted women," an insider says. Suggested chapter titles include, "K.P.=L-O-V-E" and "It's Better You Don't Have Phone Privileges Because You Shouldn't Be Calling Him Anyway."
America Out of Line
America Online says its "instant messaging software," which alerts users when their friends are online, will soon be made available at no charge. Although the company said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Oh, wait. You can't, our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."
Eye on Health
This is Dr. Eagleton Briggs with this week's "Eye on Health" segment: What about Chicken? Now, prepared properly, chicken can be a very healthy, nutritious entrÈe. But there are a few things you need to look out for. When purchasing your chicken from the supermarket, you want to avoid buying in bulk from the unwrapped thigh bin as these pieces are exposed to bacteria that can cause illness. Make sure your chicken is tightly wrapped in cellophane and its package contains very little coffee grounds and no cigarette butts! These are danger signals and usually mean the chicken has not been handled in a sanitary fashion. After buying your clean, plastic-protected chicken, pay careful attention as to how you store it at home. A sock drawer or glove compartment is not nearly as affective at staving off infection as a cool, refrigerated place like a refrigerator. When preparing fried chicken in the kitchen, it's a good idea to use a pan and avoid trying to heat up the cooking oil directly on the gas burner. Cooking oil is a liquid and will not balance on a little metal grate. That's just good, common sense.
If You Can't Take the Heat...
Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat during the conference finals sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."
Tri-This
After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathlete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathlete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."
Ridick-Clueless
Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."
Sneak "Peeks" With Skeeter and Wizz:
This week, me and Wizz started our traditional theater-hopping with the new buddy comedy, "Gone Fishin'." This film wasn't made available to the press. Now, if they just kept it away from audiences, they'd have gotten it completely right.
In this Glover/Pesci vehicle, the two stars go fishing for laughs, but come home as empty-handed as Susan Lucci on Emmy night. However, they are successful in suggesting to audiences the fragrance of week-old bass.
I must say that this film reminded me of one of my favorites, "Goodfellas." You see, I heard after completing it, Joe Pesci's Oscar requested federal relocation.
There was some tragedy associated with "Gone Fishin'." As you might have witnessed in the unfortunate trailers for this cinematic disaster, there's enough slapstick to fill one of John Hughes's wet dreams. While filming one of the sequences, two stuntmen died. To be fair, their deaths were not in vain. For they did not have to attend the premiere of this rancid stinker.
We left a little early to make sure we caught the sequel to Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, "The Lost World." Now, I don't know much about the world, but I can't find my two hours anymore. This high-concept hit is already setting box office records. I just wish DNA technology could bring my $8 dollars back from extinction.
Wizz and me offer our video tip for this week, "It's My Party." This little gem is about a man who decides to throw an impromptu celebration, I think it was his birthday. But each frame reminded me of the power of friendship. Catch it with a buddy.
05.12.97
Crime, violence and murder comprise 42 percent of all local news stories says a recent nightly news study. In a related story, Paco the Sega playing Chihuahua was found stabbed and slashed in the garage of his posh town house. Police currently have no leads.
The Alabama Supreme Court cut a 2 million-dollar judgement against a doctor who claimed a BMW dealer sold him a car with retouched paint as new. The court said the amount was grossly excessive. Strangely the Supreme Court had previously withheld the 47 million-dollar judgement against the “kitty with the drippy bottom.”
A kindergarten teacher humiliated a girl in November by scrawling, “Where are my glasses?” on the child’s face with a marker, her family said in a civil rights lawsuit. When asked why they waited 7 months to file the lawsuit a family spokesman said, “The Post it Note we had on our child’s face reminding us to sue fell off.”
A rift has grown among animal lovers between the more tradition shelters that euthanize to make space for more animals and the “no-kill” who won’t exterminate animals for any reason. However, there is now a third, experimental shelter where the parents of the animals call and bore them to death.
Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, a group called on 1 million black women to attend a similar rally on Philadelphia this fall. Organizers said the march will focus on single parenting and how that, “Denzel Washington is one fine (chocolate) brother.”
Candice Bergen wasn’t sure if she wanted to do another season of “Murphy Brown.” A spokesman for the aging star says the idea for the next season is bring it back to its roots and rejuvenate the program. When asked how the spokesman said, “Candice plans to bathe in the blood of virgins.”
Hollywood hookerlady Heidi Fleiss, who will be sentenced today on federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering, testified that she was “young and stupid and..wrong”. And crazy and creepy and criminal and mysoginist and icky. Icky, Icky lady. “I will be paying for the crimes I have committed for the rest of my life.” Literally. Maybe she was stupid for not charging more to cover her quarterly payments. Stupid, Stupid lady.
A jury resumes deliberations this week, deciding whether the cigarette industry is responsible for for the lung-cancer related death of a Florida smoker. The panel must decide whether cigarette companies have manufactured a “dangerous product.” The jury is next slated to preside over another Floridian’s suit against ExLax. “I ate the stuff, and it gave me the runs,” said the man. “I know it’s supposed to work, but Jeez.” Still pending is Tommy Lee Jones’ and Bryan Adams’ class-action suit against Clearasil.
The ninth installment of the “Star Trek” movie series is slated to roll before cameras next year. Producer Rick Berman is hush-hush about the plot, but did let slip that the story being discussed is a “high concept idea.” He went on to describe the failed first draft, where Picard and Data sat in a tastefully furnished flat discussing the works of O. Henry.
Deep Blue, the chess-playing supercomputer, was apparently made “more human” by its programmers, possessing an intuition much like our own. It went on to defeat champoin Garry Kasparov in their second match, losing the first only because it was distracted by a vacuum cleaner with “dangerous curves.” After its victory, Deep Blue took time out to thank its motherboard.
Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her the what-for.” Bowe and his sister are scheduled for a rematch next week, and the winner will decide who gets to use the remote control. Don King is set to represent the remote control to the tune of a “cool million.”
New York Mets pitcher Pete Harnish, diagnosed with depression, suited up Sunday and spent six of the nine innings in the dugout. He was going to go for seven, he explained, until he remembered the time he was turned down for the prom and had to go lie down in the showers. After the game, he was unavailable for interviews, as he was sidetracked by the concept of nuclear war. “Didn’t you ever see ‘The Day After?” he said. “It could happen, people.”
CBS celebrated its ratings victory last week with the “Dukes Of Hazard” reunion movie. The “film” scored the perrenial third-place network’s highest levels since the “Dallas” reunion several years ago. CBS is now considering jettisoning its current programming in favor of airing reruns of “Simon And Simon.”
I Koran. I Koran So Far Away. I Couldn't Get Away.
In Kabul, Afghanistan, the Taliban religious police re-emphasized their ban on the use of
paper bags, the reason being that recycled paper may contain pages of the Muslim holy
book, the Koran. Grocery store employees have been instructed to ask, "Is plastic okay
or would you like to be stripped, beaten and put on display in the public square as a
religious offender?"
Star 69. Get it?
The trial of Timothy McVeigh focused on phone records this week, with prosecutors
claiming they can trace his involvement to the bombings with certain key phone calls.
They point to one call in particular, made to "1-900-EAT-JUGS," where a "saucy"
McVeigh tells an operator, "Oh baby, I'm gonna blow like a seven story building!"
Checkered Tie
IBM ubercomputer Deep Blue played Garry Kasparov to the second consecutive draw of
their $1.1 million re-match. Kasparov has already announced his intentions to donate a
portion of his prize money to pediatric hospitals in his homeland. Whereas Deep Blue
commented, "I'm getting me some of them robot legs. I could run fast, like a cheetah!"
Who Do You Want to Sue Today?
Software maker Borland International is suing Microsoft, accusing the bigger rival of
raiding its staff for top software engineers and marketing managers. In response, a
spokesman for Microsoft commented, "You will be assimilated, resistance is futile."
Size Nine-West
The Securities and Exchange Commission inquired into the accounting practices of the
Nine-West Group, a popular women's shoe manufacturer. This probe has caused shares
to tumble 18%. Wall Street analysts say they would not recommend investing at this
time, saying it would be as risky as "white flats in winter."
The Burning Head
Police are investigating Farrah Fawcett's on charges of breaking and entering and grand
theft. Police say they are baffled and may have to call in an elite investigative force of
three attractive women to solve the crime.
Jeffrey Dharma
Indian serial killer "The Serpent" gave an exclusive interview to ABC's "PrimeTime
Live" Wednesday from his home in France. When asked if he had plans to continue his
mass-murdering ways, he responded, "Well, does it tip you off any that I'm still calling
myself `The Serpent?'"
Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, subbing for Sappho Maschismo, who is out with a case of the vapors. I am standing in front of my Sports Apparatus. This gentle construct promises to reveal interesting data corresponding to your American sports news. Shall it stand the test of time? Hm, no matter.
Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her a what-for.”
In cricket news, Hampshire’s former England batsman Robin Smith hit a brave 92.
And in your American football, Tigers pitcher Willie Blair suffered a broken jaw when he was hit by a line drive. He was kept overnight at a Lutheran Medical Center while surgeons argued about who had to dig the was of tobacky out of his swollen bloody cheek.
You put your hand up on my hip, and when you dip, I dip, we dip. I’m Chadwyre R. Dickens with the sports.
Say It Ain't So, Joe
Chicago Whitesox outfielder Tony Phillips back after serving a two day suspension
blasted American League President Gene Budig, claiming "he doesn't like what I did or
he doesn't like me because I'm this color." Phillips, the only African American to ever
play baseball, has been severely targeted by an intolerant league.
Dribbles and Dragons
The Washington Bullets officially will become the Washington Wizards, the team
announced Wednesday. They also plan to unveil their new logo, a twelve-sided die that
will spill the sanguine blood of the wendigo.
5/9/97
Small Fry
US House Of Representatives has passed a bill that will allow juveniles to be tried as adults. In cases where capital punishment is involved, the offending youngster will be lured into the chamber with the promise of a “ride in the magic rocket chair” transporting them to the mythical “Lollypop Forest.”
Social Studies
Test scores released that girls have caught up to boys in math and science. Boys are still better, though, at drinking and being pricks.
It’s Greek to Me
Archeologists claim they’ve found Aristotle’s classroom from ancient Greece. They found an old desk with the message, “Mr. Aristotle has a fat ass” carved in the top.
Drugs Not Hugs
Biotechnology giant Amgen is gearing up to aggressively expand operations to accommodate its shift to a multi-drug company. Among the drugs the company expects to introduce is a stem cell stimulating factor for chemotherapy and a lotion that can turn you into a centaur.
Urge to Merge
Privately held Wall Street brokerage firm Oppenheimer & Co. Inc. is currently in talks with a possible suitor on being acquired, a company source says. A senior executive told reporters “There is no official comment, although we’d like to tell our suitor we think he’s dreamy and we love the corsage he sent.”
Mickey Louse
A lawsuit implicating several Walt Disney employees in a sexual harassment suit is about to conclude. Eisner said, ”Like it or not, we are Disney and we’re held to a higher standard.” Still no indication as why this philosophy was not applied to Disney’s recent film “Jungle 2 Jungle.”
Blockbusted
Blockbuster Video is being blamed by its new parent company Viacom for recent losses due to the departure of former CEO Bill Fields. Asked why he resigned, Fields indicated he was tired of making the extra stop just to pick up his porno, but stated, ”I don’t make as much here at Glory Hole Video but I’m saving gas.”
Beef and Barkley
After an embarrassing defeat to Seattle on Wednesday, Houston forward Charles Barkley blasted his team, saying, “You can come up with a lot of excuses, but they kicked our butts.” Barkley’s excuses included: “I was facing the wrong way; Why do we always have to play basketball?” and “Technically, we’re all winners.”
Four Legs Good, Two Legs Better
Kentucky Derby winner Silver Charm dumped his rider Thursday at Pimlico and galloped wildly off solo. The stray colt, the early favorite for the Preakness, was quickly caught by outrider Bill Rudolph. Mr. Rudolph is now favored 2:1 in the Preakness, and is looking forward to be putting out to stud.
5/12/97
He Blue It
After forfeiting the final game of his match with supercomputer Deep Blue, chess champion Garry Kasparov stated, “I am still the best human player on the planet, and can beat most major appliances, including blenders, toasters, and wet dry-vacs.” Deep Blue was in the mood for a little trash talk too, saying, “Tell that Siberian bitch to come around anytime he’s in the mood for another supercomputer-style smackdown.”
I’ve Been Framed!
Seven months after a kindergarten teacher branded and humiliated a girl by scrawling “Where are my glasses?” on her face with a marker, a lawsuit has been filed. When asked why they waited so long, the girl’s mother replied, “The Post-It note reminding me fell off my cheek.”
You Go Girls!
Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, one million black women plan to attend a similar rally in Philadelphia. Organizers say the demonstration, taking place this fall, will focus on single parenting issues, drugs in the inner city, and “how fine that Denzel is.”
Pull the Plug
Powermatic Data Systems has announced that it will no longer be a reseller of Hewlett-Packard products. In fact, PDS said it ended the relationship with HP at the end of April but that they were still friends and they could go out, but not like really going out, like going out to get something to eat or something.
The Devil Made Me Drink It
The rock band Motley Crue has announced the unveiling of their new brand of soda, Motley Brue. The soda company also plans to release other beverages, including “Root Beer And The Blowfish,” “The Jon Spencer Foam Explosion,” “Butthole Citrus,” “A Tribe Called Quench,” and “The Notorious P.O.P.”
Heppy Birthday
Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.
This 10 Wants 5
Dudley Moore’s estranged wife, Nicole Moore, has filed a $5 million lawsuit against him, claiming that she has suffered from physical and verbal abuse during their five-year marriage. Moore claims that he’d been caught between the moon and New York City.
Fingering Success
Atlanta Hawks center Dikembe Mutombo, after blocking a shot by the Bulls’ Brian Williams on Saturday, stood at the baseline and waggled his finger at the crowd in what has become his trademark. However, the ball was still in play and the Bulls’ strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen picked it up and scored. Mutombo will next be seen waving goodbye to the playoffs.
No Love… Lost
In tennis news, Mary Pierce had an easy win over Conchita Martinez at the Italian Open with a 6-4, 6-0 victory. Martinez was clearly disabled by neck spasms during the match, but Pierce had no mercy, returning every pathetic lob from Conchita screaming “ I’m bored!” and “Here’s one for your neck!”
Supercomputer Deep Blue bested Garry Kasparov in their final game of chess on Sunday, leaving behind some sour grapes. Kasparov accused IBM of programming the computer specifically to beat him, and that it had “nothing to do with science.” IBM programmers replied, “Kasparov is correct. We created Deep Blue from flora and fauna found only in the fairy netherworlds of Mordoll. Oh, and Mr. Kasparov? You are a jackass.”
Deep Blue celebrated its win by spending a night on the town with a cappuccino maker “built like a brick shithouse.”
Public Enemy rapper Chuck D has signed with Fox News Channel to supply on-air commentaries and occasional news reports. Similarly, ex-partner Flava Flav is supplying commentaries to homeless people concerning “all the people that ‘dissed’ him.”
Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.
Michael Jackson is coming out with an album this month, but Epic Records is taking a “low-key approach” in promoting it. Executives claim this approach includes medium rotation on MTV, minimal advertising in the trades, and never mentioning Michael Jackson is a kiddie-grubbing pedophile.
5/15/97
Do Fries Come with that Shake?
The FDA is nearing approval of an anti-obesity drug that blocks the absorption of fat that a fat person eats. The drug works this way: A really fat person, or any fat person, takes this pill and then this certain fat person eats like the fat person that he is, and a lot of the fat eaten by old fatty is not absorbed by his big fat body.
Chico and "The Man"
Immigration officials are attacking the Mexican government for the apathy they've shown over the flood of counterfeit documents being used at the border. In rebuttal, Mexican officials remind the US, "We've got a real live goat sucking monster roaming our country and that's all you guys care about? Not cool."
Dismembers Only
After a harrowing ordeal, Los Angeles doctors were successful in re-attaching the arm of a boy after a laundromat dryer severed it. A full recovery is expected. The child thanked the heroic doctors, adding that his arm never felt so soft and fluffy.
Copying is as Easy as ABC
ABC News is unveiling its 24-hour online news service called abc.news.com squarely aimed at competing with MSNBC. To welcome the Internet news service Bill Gates, from his hidden mountain fortress, had 53 dozen pizzas sent over and billed it to Peter Jennings.
Up in Smoke
Because of a recent landmark court decision, the Liggett Group, makers of Eve, L&M, and Chesterfield brand cigarettes, now only print "Warning: Smoking is addictive" on their labels. This week, they released this statement: "We were able to prove that the twenty-six people who actually buy these brands are well aware of the dangers of smoking, if not long dead from them."
Abra-Cadaver
Legendary magician Harry Blackstone Jr. died Wednesday of pancreatic cancer at the age of 62. Towards the end, he reportedly claimed that the cancer was his own magical doing and often referred to it as his "last great escape." Blackstone's last words were "Let's see that bastard Copperfield top this."
Take Your Own Advice
Several radio stations will air a public service announcement Friday featuring singer Tori Amos. The PSA will contain a message recorded by Amos, followed by her song Silent All These Years, but preceded by listeners frantically scrambling to turn off their radios.
Jersey "Net"
Olympian Rebecca Lobo's high school basketball jerseys were stolen from a trophy case at Massachusetts's Regional High last weekend. Police say they are looking for a suspect who is 18-25 years old, has dark hair and dark features, and "is wearing one of Rebecca Lobo's basketball jerseys."
Out of the Woods
Tiger's father, Earl Woods, told the press this week, "Fuzzy Zoeller should go to K-Mart and buy some common sense." Earl seemed puzzled when pressed on how one would acquire common sense at a retail store, but was spotted later creating a disturbance at Bob's Golf Shop while demanding a refund for his sense of humor.
5/19/97
The Control Group Isn't Complaining
President Clinton apologized this week to the Tuskegee survivors who were used in a government experiment to monitor the ravages of syphilis. Clinton stated, "What the government did was shameful and experimentation of this kind will never happen again." The President was then whisked off by his genetically-engineered winged secret service agents to his three-o'clock with Dr. Moreau.
Bored of Education
Religious groups are calling for the removal of a South Carolina State Board of Education member after an inflammatory remark at a public meeting. Henry Jordan claimed he was "only trying to be funny" when he said, "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims." He was later informed that if he wanted to be funny he should have said, "Screw the Muslims and tell those Buddhists to keep it down!"
Monopoly v1.2
Overfed software behemoth Microsoft wants to prove that its high-end Windows NT operating system can handle the largest and most complex business tasks. In a demonstration scheduled for this week, Microsoft Giant Brain Holder Bill Gates will demonstrate that with his new software it's easier to get E-mail, schedule appointments, and hold hostage "all that humanity finds sacred."
One Foot Out of the Grave
Menorah Gardens, a Florida funeral home, was ordered to pay $1.25 million to the family of an amputee who was buried without the legs she had entrusted to them for safekeeping. Punitive damages were awarded to the woman's husband, Joel Cohen, for his emotional distress. When asked about his plans for the millions, Cohen replied, "Legs, baby. Millions and millions of little tiny gams-- then I'll bury them alongside the dead, and when the bowels of Hell are filled, zombie legs will rise again, in an army loyal only to me!"
Monday Night Ball
Tabloid paper the Globe published pictures last week showing Frank Gifford in a New York hotel room embracing a woman other than his wife, Kathie Lee. Insiders say the troubles in their marriage began several years ago, when Frank awoke one day and realized that he was lying next to Kathie Lee Gifford.
Slyer Stallone
Sylvester Stallone this weekend kept the media guessing as to whether or not he married his girlfriend Jennifer Flavin in a top-secret ceremony. Media pundits claim the guessing "didn't take long," as they only had two choices: yes or no. The press got it on the second try.
Beefin' Barkley
Charles Barkley, responding to teammates complaining about the one-day break before Monday's game against Utah, said, "If you're tired, get another job. You can rest when you're dead." When asked for comment, George Burns responded, "I don't know what Charles is talking about, there's no rest down here. Every day they make me push this boulder up a hill, just so it can fall right back down."
Return to Sender, Mailman
Karl Malone, who led the NBA in no statistical categories, was awarded Most Valuable Player from a panel of sports writers. This is the last year for the current MVP system, which next season will officially be called "The Most Valuable Player Who Isn't Michael Jordan." Jordan is still favored 2:1 to win the award.
5/20/97
Minute Aid
After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."
Cloak and Dollars
The Federation of American Scientists sued the CIA this week to force the agency to reveal the size of its budget. The CIA said that it would reveal its general budget but would not site exact expenditures for such items as the new Mach 5, Invisible CrËme, Rocket Shoes, and the Flying Razor Hat.
Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave
Federal antitrust regulators are investigating Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained Little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied!"
Pilot Light
Continental Airlines has announced this week its plans to offer pilots pay increases adding up to only 10 percent over six years. A spokesman for the pilots says they are "elated," adding, "now we can get that can of pop we've had our eye on."
The Gifford That Keeps On Giving
Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford issued a joint statement this week urging for their privacy in the wake of allegations of Frank's extra-marital affair. Sources claim Kathie Lee is "disappointed" with Frank, who she has been quoted as calling her "love machine." When informed of her misfortunes, IBM supercomputer Deep Blue commented, "If she ever needs a real love machine, that freak can get busy with the business end of my hard drive 24-7."
This Icy Is Too Pricey
Sources tell Variety the price tag for making the James Cameron movie "Titanic" could approach $300 million. The good news is it doesn't sink. That would have been too expensive to make.
Tall Tales
The NBA has told its 29 teams they cannot sign seven foot nine inch North Korean basketball player Ri Myong Hun, who is currently residing in Canada. When told of this, Hun allegedly said, "What do I care? I'm a big huge freak! The world is my oyster! I'm the tallest Korean ever! I can do whatever I want!"
Little Big League Man
In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"
5/21/97
Top Guns
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.
"Is that mine or....AUUGGH!"
A booby-trapped beeper hand-delivered to a waitress at her restaurant exploded and blew off one of her fingers. The intended target was her brother who lost the beeper during a fight with another man. The woman, who lost a pinky finger was taken to Bellevue Hospital where doctors say she won't be drinkin' tea any time soon.
Re: In Car Nation
Seven Buddhist monks were killed on Interstate 5 when a draft from a big rig caused their van to flip over. Twelve of the fourteen monks were ejected from the vehicle. "We're trying to put this behind us," said one of the monks who survived. "This was a traumatic and painful experience and we look forward to once again walking on hot coals and laying on razor sharp nail beds."
Aaron Henry 1923-1997
On a somber note, Aaron Henry, who led the drive for racial equality in Mississippi, has died at age 74. (Carl) That is sad, Cheryl. I remember when he hit his 715th home run to beat the record. He was playing for the Braves at that- (Cheryl) Not Henry Aaron, jagoff. Aaron Henry. He was a driving force in the NAACP, he filed a landmark lawsuit for reapportionment that cleared the way in 1980 for the election of himself and another dozen black representatives to the Mississippi State Legislature. (Carl) Well, we all send our regrets. And also, a big "howdy hey" to home run leader Hammerin' Hank Aaron.
A Penny for Your Thoughts
In a stunning announcement, H. Wayne Huizenga, Paul Allen, and King Bee Bill Gates have announced that they are buying everything. You will be sent a check in the mail for you and yours, and then you must submit to almost painful skin testing.
Jonesin'
For those of you who understand, the Dow rose 34 points to 7228. For the rest of you, just relax and let us worry about the money.
Neil Down and Put Your Hands In The Concrete
The four reunited members of Motley Crue put their handprints in concrete at the famed Hollywood "Rockwalk" this week. Observers say the honor was appropriate, because the legendary heavy metal band has been playing like their hands were made of concrete for the last fifteen years.
C'mon Seven!
Larry King and fiancÈe Shawn Southwick have announced their wedding date December 12th. This time it's for good said King, "Unless of course I meet someone different, or someone else, or anyone."
Backbiting
Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. "Marvelous" denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy, what you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.
Russian For a Rematch
Garry Kasparov has requested a rematch with super-computer Deep Blue, but the event is doubtful. When reached at an upscale New York nightclub, surrounded by an entourage of beautiful women, Deep Blue said it was "harvest-time" and he'd need to see some serious green 'cause a brothers gotta get paid, and that IBM should get off his tip and stop pimpin' his chess playing ass.
Carl: And now, for the weekend Traffic Report, here's R.J. Knackman.
R.J. Thank you Carl. Things look good on the 80 from New York to California, slight slowing around Grand Island Nebraska, I believe the carnival is in town, but from there it's smooth sailing. Now from where I'm sitting now everything looks calm, smooth, and blue. Very Tranquil
Carl: Are you over the ocean?
R.J. (nervously) No…
Carl: Yes, you are you're over the ocean.
R.J.: Traffic reports EVERY WEEK with R.J. Knackman
Carl: Thank You R.J.--
R.J. Why do you only call me on the weekend. There's no traffic on the weekend.
Carl: Thank You R.J--
R.J. Call me--
A fire this week at an Indianapolis warehouse wiped out most of the floats for this year's 500 Festival Parade. There were no injuries, and organizers say Saturday's parade will still go on. About 250,000 spectators are expected to view the event, which will now feature a girl who smokes cigarillos with her nostrils, a bunch of pals who own really expensive looking blenders, and a three-legged dog named "Pedro."
Authorities claim they waited several months to release the details because they wanted to ascertain whether the sex was consensual, which resulted last week in the realization that they were talking about Marv Albert.
Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences, but unfortunately, because we held the meeting late at night, until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."
Popular NBC sports announcer Marv Albert has been implicated in an assault case. Albert has denied the charges, and claims the woman told him she wanted to be in his new compilation of clips, "The Wacky World of Forcible Sodomy."
Michael Jordon announced that if coach Phil Jackson is not resigned with the Bulls next year, he will retire, and warned Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf then gleefully announced that Jackson will not be brought back next year, forcing Jordan to announce he will be back next season with the Bulls. A puzzled Jordan announced that he thought his strategy was sound and couldn't figure out how Reinsdorf figured out he was bluffing.
A British contingent is pushing for ballroom dancing to be an event in the 2000 Olympics arguing that it combines grace and agility with an established aesthetic. Officials are said to be considering this, as they had been looking for an event to remove synchronized swimming's stranglehold on most unwatchable event.
Democratic leader in the House Richard Gephardt has broken ranks with the Democrats and is opposing the President's new budget deal. Said Gephardt, "This is a budget of many deficits; a deficit of principle, a deficit of fairness, a deficit of tax justice, and worst of all, a deficit of dollars." He then added, "However, there is no deficit of long, run-on sentences."
A California woman says Harrods the venerable British department store, tossed her out because of her size not her attire as they claim. The Los Angeles resident, a confident size 18 has demanded an apology from the retailing giant. Harrods said she was expelled for violating the store's dress code. The security man who threw the woman out thought she was wearing tights rather than leggings. He claims it was an honest mistake because when you put a legging on something that big it's gonna stretch so thin it looks like tights.
A Texas jury ordered an 18 year old girl Tuesday to pay about $7 million in damages to the family of a boy killed when she lost control of her vehicle while answering a cellular phone. The girl wept as she left the courtroom because her parents are really mad at her and because it was a wrong number.
The House finally passed the balanced budget agreement today. Congressional leaders were very nervous about the outcome and were relieved when the bill passed by a narrow margin of 333 to 99. The budget pact aims to slow government spending for the next five years lowering the deficit to zero by the year 2002. Hardest hit were the elderly who's Medicare was cut by $115 billion, making sure the old farts won't be around by the year 2002 for the big celebration.
Continental Airlines has reported this week that they will soon purchase 40 jets from Boeing. A Continental spokesman says he will keep the press abreast of further "exciting" plans to buy things, which may culminate in next week's detailed account of their trip to Thrifty's.
Microsoft and Electronic Arts have agreed to offer some of their games through ICTV's Internet-access network. Said Microsoft All-Powerful Giant Synapse Firer Bill Gates, "This way, we can get them while they are young and their minds are malleable and free of distraction and open to the subliminal messages. Then they will be lured to the breeding city of Seattle, where a microchip will be implanted in the base of their spines, barcodes imprinted on their foreheads, and trained to become the Microsoft Army which will clear forests and destroy anything that does not further the cause of 'Gates's World'."
The Justice Department is taking a closer look at Microsoft's proposed acquisition of Web TV to see if the software monolith is breaking any anti trust laws. In response, Bill Gates from his hidden fortress plunged his face into a vat of molten gold and said, "Truly I am everything I love and by the way could you take it easy on me with the lawyers."
A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.
A maker of in-line skating equipment thought it could attract young male buyers by putting this simple slogan on it's clothing laundry tags: "destroy all girls." Arlo Eisenberg, part-owner of the company said, "The laundry tag was supposed to say, 'kill your parents,' but some people thought that was too extreme." And could result in kids getting grounded every time their parents washed the shirt. Other Anchor: What ever happened to nice laundry tags like, "decapitate a neighbor and tie their entrails to your spokes."
Universal Pictures and Steven Speilberg's Amblin Entertainment have agreed to do a feature film sequel of Casper. A casting call has been announced for the part of Casper and an excited Jon Benet Ramsey from heaven said, "It's between me and the Lindbergh baby."
Millie Bush, the English springer, and author died yesterday. "Millie went to heaven, the former president said, Unfortunately, it was Korean heaven where Millie was immediately eaten.
Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open day on Saturday to prove that the red light district is safe, offering the public coffee and other drinks. Their next prostitution promotion celebrates the year the port was established, sending bordello prices in a time machine back to the year1533 and offering twelve cent handjobs and froee copulation with the first 50 customers with scurvy.
Officer Robert Breckenfeld, a Santa Ana Police Officer, was discovered to be a bigamist with three wives. The department said they don't know how this effects their relationship to the officer, but until they review procedures, Robert can expect a strict "no cuddling" policy.
A top Russian General who served as one of Boris Yeltsin's closest advisers was arrested today on corruption charges that include taking a $241,000 bribe. When Yelsin asked him why he did it the General replied: "I know nutting."
Convicted killer Ramon Martinez-Villareal is in a good mood today. The U.S. Supreme court has granted him a stay of execution for the 1982 killings of two ranch workers. The courts want to hear arguments involving his mental competence. Apparently prosecutors find executing him in a sraight jacket disturbing.
The Hubble Space Telescope has been put to use tracking the weather- on Mars. It is extremely cold, with dark blue skies full of white clouds of water ice. Scientist warn that anyone planning a trip to Mars should pack an extra sweater and don't forget to bring a space umbrella.
The National Transportation Safety Board is updating its list of the "most wanted safety improvements" with such recommendations as safer fuel tanks that will not sustain a fire or explosion, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers in the cargo hold, and planes that don't blow up.
OR
...in the cargo hold, and pilots who really know how to hold their booze.
OR
...in the cargo hold, and lucky beads for all passengers to jiggle.
In Coalinga, CA, a van full of Buddhist monks was blown off the freeway by a passing truck, killing seven and injuring seven other monks. The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of the demi-gods, and said they were happy because traffic was really a pain in the ass.
OR
The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of human beings, rented another van, and continued on their way.
OR
After the tragedy, one of the survivors commented, "As according to our beliefs, the seven who died have been reborn and, oh, there they are. Hi fellas! (Go rent another van- this one's totaled.)"
As the Indianapolis 500 is just around the corner, we have a somber note, the youngest winner of the Indy 500, Troy Ruttman, died this week. He was 67. (Carl) Jesus! He was the youngest? How old are all those guys, anyway? That doesn't seem to safe, all those old guys zipping around the track. Well, maybe that's why it's so exciting. (Cheryl) Did you lie on your resume? How do you keep this job?
President Clinton criticized the fashion industry saying it glamorized the image of heroin by using 'heroin chic" models who strike poses that make them appear sickly and dazed. A spokesman for the heroine chic models said, "This is an outrage we are doing nothing to glamorize addiction...However before the spokesman could finish her point she nodded off into a bowl of pasta.
Attorneys for Timothy McVeigh the alleged Oklahoma City bomber are to call their witness's tomorrow. Former attorney Johnny Cochran is expected to take the stand first. While not associated with the case Johnny has promised to break off some fat rhymes to help get him off.
Pilot Kelley Flinn say's she is optimistic the service will grant her a discharge, rather than try her on adultery and other charges. Air Force officials say they will consider Flinn's request for an honorable discharge but first want to meet with Flinn over drinks to see if she's really a player...if you know what I mean.
After five day the hatches between the U.S. space shuttle Atlantis and Russia's space station Mir swung shut today as the two space crews prepared to go their separate ways. A spokesman for then uncoupled space stations asked if their any further missions planned said, "It's too soon to say but we'll always be friends and maybe sometime we can go to a movie or something."
In Yugoslavia, Bosnian Serbs announced Wednesday the formation of their own airline company. Sources say the company's planned slogan will be "Come visit beautiful war-torn Bosnia! No roundtrip tickets needed, as our Croatian foes will most likely murder you where you stand. We shall keep your luggage and distribute it among the ravaged dwellings of the innocents. Death to those who oppose us!"
A study this week reports that sweage carried by airplanes is spreading viruses worldwide. According to the study, several samples of sewage pumped from flights landing at American airports contained infectious viruses. Airline spokespersons are "shocked" at the announcement, as no one ever expected there might be something wrong with America's precious stockpile of filthy sewage.
Sleazy Ryder
The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma city bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"
Smack Attack
President Clinton lambasted the fashion industry for increasing the allure of "heroin-chic" trends, citing print ads that feature dazed, waifishly thin models with track marks up their arms. The President expressed concern for the influence 'heroin chic'and passionately implored the industry to get back to presenting the more wholesome image of anorexic fashion models with fake breasts.
Lego My Nazi
A Polish artist who used Lego's to construct a diorama of Nazi death camps has elicited strong objections from his own government and the Lego corporation. In a related story a representative for Lincoln Logs said, "We'd be proud to have an artist express himself through our product or anyone for that matter. Come on-- logs are fun!"
Don't Get Up
Mattel is introducing, or wheeling out, a new doll in its popular Barbie line: A wheelchair-bound doll named "Share A Smile Becky." "Barbie's world is now more like the everyday world," said a product manager for Mattel. The figure is dressed in a denim skirt, and when lifted to her feet, her legs buckle and she screams. Becky will be modeled after a normal Barbie figure, with the exception of the powerfully strong arms taken from thousands of surplus Hulk Hogan dolls.
Live and Let Die Already
Paul McCartney says he has a notebook of never-recorded songs he wrote with John Lennon. These are the earliest-ever Lennon-McCartney songs, written some 40 years ago. McCartney said in a statement: "I wrote them in my school exercise book. It's got 'Love Me Do' in it and four others that were never recorded." They are: "This Class Sucks", "Blow Me Do", "Teacher Puts Out", and "Pick Up Crumpets- Love Mum."
Return to Sender
A stamp-collector, upset at Bugs Bunny being placed on a new stamp, stated enthusiasts' concerns that "the higher purpose of the stamp program is being prostituted." He then went on to apologize to any prostitutes he might have offended, realizing no woman would sleep with a pathetic, stamp collecting loser unless he was paying her, then collapsed to his knees in gut-wrenching sobs, speaking wistfully of wasted years and parents who never took the time to make him feel special.
Air-Rent Judgement
Michael Jordan announced that if Bulls coach Phil Jackson is not re-signed, Jordan will make this season his last and warned the Bulls' owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "Don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf immediately announced the Bulls will hire a new coach. Jordan, found later frantically leafing through a book of poker strategy stated, "How the hell did he know I was bluffing?"
Expert Ball Handling
The woman who accused sportscaster Marv Albert of assault and forcible sodomy is facing a charge that she tried to kill her former boyfriend. The woman reportedly called her ex a month after the alleged incident involving Albert, and told him she would kill him, his dog and any girl he may be with. Police say this demonstrates a possibility of mental instability, overshadowed only by her previous example of this: Going to a hotel room with Marv Albert.
5/24/97
Top Guns
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Scarlet "A" on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.
Sleazy Ryder
The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma City bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency owner who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"
Minute Aid
After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."
Ivan Milkim reporting from an undisclosed location. I'm never goin' back to the joint. Try and make me. Message to the Warden...I know where your family lives. Got a lot to do. I need to drum up a fake beard, shoe polish, and a toothbrush. I've also got my eye on some elderly couple's Chrysler New Yorker. Bressler...I need a gun...preferably a Baretta 9 millimeter with a silencer and laser sight. I'll call later with rendezvous details. Don't try to reach me.
Backbiting
Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. Mr. Albert denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy. What you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.
Little Big League Man
In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"
"Sneak" Peeks with SKEETER AND WIZZ
Wizz and I were supposed to review Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, The Lost World, for today's show. The print ads claim "something has survived." From the looks of the trailer, it seems to be the exact plot of the original. Anyhoo, when we showed up for the premiere, the good folks at Universal wouldn't sell us any tickets. I think it had something to do with Wizz and his hygienic "problems." But I'll give you folks the skinny about what we saw instead: The Volcano.
Now, I had a problem with believability. The chances of a volcano destroying Los Angeles are about as remote as Tommy Lee Jones regaining his credibility. After seeing this stinker, Tommy Lee's Oscar had to file a restraining order. This movie features molten lava rolling down the streets of Los Angeles more relentlessly than Eddie Murphy looking for late-night "companionship." But if you like to see things burn as much as my buddy Wizz, save yourself two hours and set eight dollars on fire.
Now, our quick video pick for this week is Longtime Companion. This is a movie about a couple of buddies-- I think they met in college--and their troubles meeting that special lady. Until next week...
5/26/97
No Booz for Yooz
National Fraternity leaders across the nation are trying to introduce a new "substance-free housing" policy that would ban on-campus alcohol use, a rule that some fraternity brothers believe threatens the extinction of the Greek system all together. This possibility has in turn spread panic among effeminate male drama students and fat girls who are left wondering where their daily dose of shame will come from.
License To Chill
A Maine Legislature has deemed the slogan, "Ride Safe" to appear on motorcycle license plates in 1998. It was the closest ballot in Maine's Legislative history as it was almost bested by another popular slogan, "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No One Rides for Free."
Crisis in Trenchmont
Brent Muvahill reporting to you live from Addendale Park in Trenchmont where it is believed a 3 year-old girl named Tracy Amber Collinswood has fallen some two hundred feet down on an abandoned mine shaft. This is, as of yet unsubstantiated. I am making my way to the scene and will have more information shortly. Back to you.
Urge To Merge
A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.
Coltrane Keep A' Rollin'
Robbie Coltrane enjoys his anonymity here in America. "I'm just the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart," says he. But to avid fans of A&E's series Cracker, he's Dr. Eddie "Fitz" Fitzgerald, the hard-drinking, smoking police psychologist-- with the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart.
Fuzzy Sentiments
Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences. To be frank, I was afraid this meeting would never happen. Mainly because we held it late at night, and until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."
5/27/97
Hang Down Your Head, Tom Foley, Hang Down Your Head and Cry
The Japanese government, waiting for official word on who will be the next U.S. envoy to Tokyo, suspects that all signs point to former House Speaker Tom Foley. Japanese officials are pleased with the expected appointment, stating that they are relieved anytime a surprise guest to Japan isn't 20 stories tall and breathing fire.
Sky Die-ving
A small sky-diving plane crashed in South Florida killing six people on board. A 43-year- old woman parachuted out and survived the crash. When asked how she saved herself, she credited her fool-proof survival plan of having 6 back up parachutes.
America Out of Line
American Online says its "instant messaging software," which tells users who on its list is online, will soon be made available for all Internet users. While there is no charge for the beta version, a spokesman said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Wait, you can't because our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."
General Martyrs
3,500 GM workers voted to end their seven-day walkout after concluding marathon bargaining sessions over staffing, health, and safety issues. Although most workers are due back by the next shift, a few are expected back sooner to prepare the plant for restarting production, which includes polishing the leg-irons and waking up the tiny children that install the brake lights.
Welcome To the Creepiest Place on Earth
Sources close to Michael Jackson say the entertainer was so impressed with his reception in Poland last year, he wants to build a Disneyland-style theme park in Warsaw. Attractions for the park include "It's A Small World When You're In A Barn With A German And An Englishman," and "The Main Street Electrical Parade," featuring a cast of thousands trying to screw in the tiny lightbulbs.
Legs Get Ready to Rumble
Tina Turner says that despite reports to the contrary, her famous legs are not insured. Tina added, "My body is insured and my legs are part of that. I do, however, have a shoe- to-head policy stating if Ike even unlaces his shoe I get $400,000."
Complainey Slaney
Distance runner Mary Slaney is infuriated with reports that she tested positive for excessive testosterone at the 1996 U.S. Olympic trials, telling reporters "If someone were to ask me how I feel about USA Track & Field right now, I would say I hope it burns in hell." Reporters then asked how she felt about USA Track & Field, to which she replied, "Are you listening to me?" which then prompted the obvious follow-up of "How do you feel about USA Track & Field?"
Storm A' Brewin'
Taking issue with supposedly negative remarks from NBC, Houston Rocket star Charles Barkley retorted, "It doesn't surprise me. Those comments came from Hannah Storm, and women shouldn't be announcing men's sports." After an awkward silence, Barkley added, "Burn the witch!" and fled from news cameras, calling them "soul-stealing devil-boxes."
5/28/97
Jonesin' for Paula
The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Clinton could not be shielded from prosecution in Paula Jones' sexual harassment case. Attorneys for Jones are saying that she might be satisfied with a statement that Clinton "remembers her, that she was in that room, that she did nothing wrong and that she is a good person." Clinton may have said in a statement this week, "I do not remember her, I do not remember the room, I do not remember what happened in the room which I do not remember." The President also added, "How am I supposed to remember anything with her rack kickin' my ass everyday?"
No Nukes is Good Nukes
Jolly and red-nosed Russian President Boris Yeltsin stood in front of NATO yesterday and assured the assembly that Russian warheads would no longer be pointed at its members. As a festive mood overcame the congregation, a representative from Japan caught Yeltson's eye. "How long have you guys been members?" Boris asked. He then added, "You might want to forget what I just told you."
Thesis: Murder
A graduate student, who will face the death penalty in the slaying of three professors at San Diego State University, has pleaded guilty to first-degree murder. Trying to explain himself, the student, Fredrick Martin Davidson supposedly said, "I thought they said to kill them. My regular teachers let me kill them."
Head Shop
Police are investigating a human skull purchased for $7 from a Kansas City antique store. The store owner warned police to investigate all they like, they wouldn't find lower prices for human skulls anywhere in the downtown area.
1-800-M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y
AT&T has begun talks with SBC Communications over a mega-merger said to have legal and regulatory obstacles that are near insurmountable. " It's like putting a man on the moon," an AT&T spokesman stated, " it's not impossible, but it's gonna take a long time." Nearby NASA alum Allen Shepard heard this comment and retorted, " Shut your puke mouth. You don't look at the moon, you don't talk about the moon, you don't even think about the moon."
SMOOTH WOODEN BALL
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with SC Naked News and I'm here with Margaret Cho. Welcome to the show, Margaret.
MC: Thank-you very much.
SWB: When your show got cancelled, was that a shock to you or could you pretty much see that coming?
MC: Oh, I saw it coming when the show got picked up. I saw that coming when I signed the deal to do the show. I saw it coming so far in the horizon, that I could've just not done it at all and had the same effect.
SWB: So, you're whole outlook was basically just give me the cash and I don't really care.
MC: Absolutely.
SWB: Is your grandma as funny as the one on All-American Girl?
MC: No, my grandmother is a tyrant. Every time I see her she says, "You know, your face is bloated beyond recognition." This is not something you say to a granddaughter. That's something you say to someone who has been in a lake for a couple of weeks. You don't say that to progeny.
SWB: So I understand you are doing a John Woo movie.
MC: Yes, two days ago I completed looping on that film. It's called "Face Off. "
SWB: Do you get killed?
MC: No, I'm one of the few people that live.
SWB: Do you get to shoot a gun or anything?
MC: I get to shoot lots of guns and I do some kung fu.
SWB: Whoa! Does John Woo speak English? I was just wondering, because when they have his movies with English translations they're always a little bit off.
MC: I don't know why that always seems to happen. Always. In Hong Kong films when people are having sex they always say, "Oh, it's so comfortable! It's so comfortable!" Yea, it is comfortable, but that's not really the word you're thinking. But they always use that term.
SWB: What is the name of your character?
MC: My character's name is Wanda.
SWB: Is she kinda loose? Sleep around a little bit?
MC: No, not at all.
SWB: So much for getting dirt on that.
MC: I think I may do a nude scene in a movie I am doing in a month. But what is kind of upsetting about that is that I have the worst farmer's tan. I have the worst tractor tan like a V-neck, short sleeve shirt. The worst is that it will probably keep me from doing it.
SWB: I'm sure a lot of fans want to know when they can see you nude?
MC: I'm not sure when that is going to happen. But it will be sometime in the next few months.
SWB: So that is all you know about the part is that you are going to take your clothes off?
MC: Yea, I'm going for it.
SWB: Great, well all right.
MC: Laughing
SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News with Margaret Cho. Thank you Margaret.
MC: Thank you Ball.
GOP Heads for TV
New York Republican Rep. Susan Molinari will soon resign from Congress and join CBS Television as a co-anchor of a Saturday morning program. The program is set to be called "Molinari and the Mystery Machine," and will feature the animated lawmaker who will fight such villains as "The Peculiar Purple Politician from Pickendarry Peak" and "Chuck," a 37-year-old lobbyist.
Home Imboozement
In Michigan, former cocaine dealer Tim Allen failed a sobriety test after police stopped him for driving his Ferrari seventy in a forty-mph zone. Allen, whose real name is Timothy Alan Dick, failed sobriety tests that included him reciting the alphabet, counting backwards, and when asked if he'd star in Jungle 2 Jungle again, slurring "yes." Authorities are seeking the maximum penalty.
If You Can't Take the Heat...
Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat has sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."
Tri-This
After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathalete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathalete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."
5/29/97
Not a Quitter
Pilot Linda Finch completed a 26,000 mile re-creation of Amelia Earhart's round the world odyssey. When asked how her flight was different from Earhart's, Finch said, "Well for one thing I didn't crash. Other than that it was exact-a-mundo."
Highway Robbery
In Detroit, police are still searching for a motorist who grabbed $20,000 that spilled from an armored truck on an interstate highway. The incident happened when the side door of the truck flew open and a car struck one of the bags causing the money to scatter. The motorist in his defense said, "I thought I hit a big canvas dog that bled money, so I decided to keep him as my own."
Saline On
Research shows that women who have breast enlargements tend to drink more, have more sex partners, get pregnant younger, are more likely to have abortions, use the pill and dye their hair. Check, check, check, check, check, and check. Everything a man wants and large fake breasts.
Bringing up Baby-tron
Playmates Toys Inc. has just come out with a new digital toy: A virtual infant on a key chain. Designed to teach pre-teen girls about the responsibilities of motherhood, the baby only grows with care and feeding. Accessories to the toy include "virtual day-care," "virtual over-indulgent grandma," and "virtual latch-key," which, if overused, alerts the "Cyber Child Protective Services."
A Cartoon of Smokes
The Federal Trade Commission has charged that R.J. Reynolds unfairly targets kids and asserts that Joe Camel is now as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. When the company asked for proof, the commission pointed to the millions of children who watch "The Wonderful World of Joe Camel" every day and write letters to him for presents each Christmas. FTC lawyers smiled politely, nodded their heads and then pushed a big red button marked, "Loony Bin Hot Line."
Speaking of Memories...
Entertainer Bob Hope turned 94 on Thursday, and "old ski-nose" celebrated in grand fashion, by first eating a bite of cake, and then blindly telling stories in his hoarse, damaged whisper of how he cannot recall the details of Dorothy Lamour's wizened face. America's best-loved white entertainer will next star in "The Road to New Jerusalem" with his estranged pals "Dot" and "Der Bingle." Happy birthday, Geminis!
Siddharthauchwitz?
Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer, 84, once tutor to the Dalai Lama and the subject of an upcoming Brad Pitt movie, acknowledged that he was a member of the Nazi Party. He called his association unfortunate, adding he'd just have to "grin and bear it," adding, "so if you see me grinning every time you mention my years as a Nazi, that's me regretting having belonged to the SS."
Ridick-Clueless
Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."
I'm a Loser, Baby
Ted Musgrave lost his 191st NASCAR Winston Cup in a row this week. When asked why he continues to allow actress Susan Lucci to ride shotgun, he offered no comment.
Creamed Cheese
A retired bus driver won $128,000 dollars in damages from the Philadelphia Phillies when their mascot hugged him and knocked him over. In a related story, the Harlem Globetrotters were arrested on assault charges when a bucket full of confetti was fired into a crowd of unsuspecting fans.
5/30/97 (Weekend Edition)
He's Da Bomb
As the jury in the Oklahoma City bombing trial listened to summations, they heard Timothy McVeigh described as a "terrorist" and a "victim of circumstance." Jurors expressed confusion over this saying, "How can he be both? Who are we to decide? What? That's what we're supposed to do? How much does this job pay?"
Sorry, Charlie
The Marine Mammal Fund accused Greenpeace of "selling out" this week, claiming they support a bill that redefines "dolphin-safe tuna." Disgruntled sourpusses are upset, as the bill now defines "dolphin-safe" as "chock-full of creamy dolphin" and "now with 37% more delicious, licky-yummy dolphin."
Out Like Flinn
America's first B-52 bomber pilot Kelly Flinn has agreed to a general discharge, avoiding an impending court-martial hearing for adultery, disobedience and lying in an official investigation. Twenty-six-year old Flinn says she has no immediate plans, although sources say a book deal is in the works. "It's kind of like " The Rules" for enlisted women," an insider says. Suggested chapter titles include, "K.P.=L-O-V-E" and "It's Better You Don't Have Phone Privileges Because You Shouldn't Be Calling Him Anyway."
America Out of Line
America Online says its "instant messaging software," which alerts users when their friends are online, will soon be made available at no charge. Although the company said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Oh, wait. You can't, our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."
Eye on Health
This is Dr. Eagleton Briggs with this week's "Eye on Health" segment: What about Chicken? Now, prepared properly, chicken can be a very healthy, nutritious entrÈe. But there are a few things you need to look out for. When purchasing your chicken from the supermarket, you want to avoid buying in bulk from the unwrapped thigh bin as these pieces are exposed to bacteria that can cause illness. Make sure your chicken is tightly wrapped in cellophane and its package contains very little coffee grounds and no cigarette butts! These are danger signals and usually mean the chicken has not been handled in a sanitary fashion. After buying your clean, plastic-protected chicken, pay careful attention as to how you store it at home. A sock drawer or glove compartment is not nearly as affective at staving off infection as a cool, refrigerated place like a refrigerator. When preparing fried chicken in the kitchen, it's a good idea to use a pan and avoid trying to heat up the cooking oil directly on the gas burner. Cooking oil is a liquid and will not balance on a little metal grate. That's just good, common sense.
If You Can't Take the Heat...
Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat during the conference finals sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."
Tri-This
After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathlete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathlete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."
Ridick-Clueless
Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."
Sneak "Peeks" With Skeeter and Wizz:
This week, me and Wizz started our traditional theater-hopping with the new buddy comedy, "Gone Fishin'." This film wasn't made available to the press. Now, if they just kept it away from audiences, they'd have gotten it completely right.
In this Glover/Pesci vehicle, the two stars go fishing for laughs, but come home as empty-handed as Susan Lucci on Emmy night. However, they are successful in suggesting to audiences the fragrance of week-old bass.
I must say that this film reminded me of one of my favorites, "Goodfellas." You see, I heard after completing it, Joe Pesci's Oscar requested federal relocation.
There was some tragedy associated with "Gone Fishin'." As you might have witnessed in the unfortunate trailers for this cinematic disaster, there's enough slapstick to fill one of John Hughes's wet dreams. While filming one of the sequences, two stuntmen died. To be fair, their deaths were not in vain. For they did not have to attend the premiere of this rancid stinker.
We left a little early to make sure we caught the sequel to Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, "The Lost World." Now, I don't know much about the world, but I can't find my two hours anymore. This high-concept hit is already setting box office records. I just wish DNA technology could bring my $8 dollars back from extinction.
Wizz and me offer our video tip for this week, "It's My Party." This little gem is about a man who decides to throw an impromptu celebration, I think it was his birthday. But each frame reminded me of the power of friendship. Catch it with a buddy.
05.12.97
Crime, violence and murder comprise 42 percent of all local news stories says a recent nightly news study. In a related story, Paco the Sega playing Chihuahua was found stabbed and slashed in the garage of his posh town house. Police currently have no leads.
The Alabama Supreme Court cut a 2 million-dollar judgement against a doctor who claimed a BMW dealer sold him a car with retouched paint as new. The court said the amount was grossly excessive. Strangely the Supreme Court had previously withheld the 47 million-dollar judgement against the “kitty with the drippy bottom.”
A kindergarten teacher humiliated a girl in November by scrawling, “Where are my glasses?” on the child’s face with a marker, her family said in a civil rights lawsuit. When asked why they waited 7 months to file the lawsuit a family spokesman said, “The Post it Note we had on our child’s face reminding us to sue fell off.”
A rift has grown among animal lovers between the more tradition shelters that euthanize to make space for more animals and the “no-kill” who won’t exterminate animals for any reason. However, there is now a third, experimental shelter where the parents of the animals call and bore them to death.
Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, a group called on 1 million black women to attend a similar rally on Philadelphia this fall. Organizers said the march will focus on single parenting and how that, “Denzel Washington is one fine (chocolate) brother.”
Candice Bergen wasn’t sure if she wanted to do another season of “Murphy Brown.” A spokesman for the aging star says the idea for the next season is bring it back to its roots and rejuvenate the program. When asked how the spokesman said, “Candice plans to bathe in the blood of virgins.”
Hollywood hookerlady Heidi Fleiss, who will be sentenced today on federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering, testified that she was “young and stupid and..wrong”. And crazy and creepy and criminal and mysoginist and icky. Icky, Icky lady. “I will be paying for the crimes I have committed for the rest of my life.” Literally. Maybe she was stupid for not charging more to cover her quarterly payments. Stupid, Stupid lady.
A jury resumes deliberations this week, deciding whether the cigarette industry is responsible for for the lung-cancer related death of a Florida smoker. The panel must decide whether cigarette companies have manufactured a “dangerous product.” The jury is next slated to preside over another Floridian’s suit against ExLax. “I ate the stuff, and it gave me the runs,” said the man. “I know it’s supposed to work, but Jeez.” Still pending is Tommy Lee Jones’ and Bryan Adams’ class-action suit against Clearasil.
The ninth installment of the “Star Trek” movie series is slated to roll before cameras next year. Producer Rick Berman is hush-hush about the plot, but did let slip that the story being discussed is a “high concept idea.” He went on to describe the failed first draft, where Picard and Data sat in a tastefully furnished flat discussing the works of O. Henry.
Deep Blue, the chess-playing supercomputer, was apparently made “more human” by its programmers, possessing an intuition much like our own. It went on to defeat champoin Garry Kasparov in their second match, losing the first only because it was distracted by a vacuum cleaner with “dangerous curves.” After its victory, Deep Blue took time out to thank its motherboard.
Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her the what-for.” Bowe and his sister are scheduled for a rematch next week, and the winner will decide who gets to use the remote control. Don King is set to represent the remote control to the tune of a “cool million.”
New York Mets pitcher Pete Harnish, diagnosed with depression, suited up Sunday and spent six of the nine innings in the dugout. He was going to go for seven, he explained, until he remembered the time he was turned down for the prom and had to go lie down in the showers. After the game, he was unavailable for interviews, as he was sidetracked by the concept of nuclear war. “Didn’t you ever see ‘The Day After?” he said. “It could happen, people.”
CBS celebrated its ratings victory last week with the “Dukes Of Hazard” reunion movie. The “film” scored the perrenial third-place network’s highest levels since the “Dallas” reunion several years ago. CBS is now considering jettisoning its current programming in favor of airing reruns of “Simon And Simon.”
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Summer 1997
I’m Going In 05.01.97
Police surrounding the ramshackle trailer which serves as the embassy for the Republic of Texas militia have gone ahead and cut off their power. Sheriffs did so by approaching the permiter under the cover of darkness, breaching the barb wire fence, crawling in close formation to avoid detection, and unplugging the hotplate.
Tony Blair, International Man Of Mystery 05.02.97
Labour Party leader Tony Blair won a landslide victory against John Major to become the youngest Prime Minister in Britain since 1812. Blair is so young, in fact, Parliament has voted that instead of the PM, he will now be officially known as the AM.
Take My Wife...PLEASE! 05.02.97
Last night, President Clinton once again tried to wow fund-raising guests with his attempts at stand up comedy, saying "I wish we could have had this event in the Lincoln Bedroom, but we did not have enough coffee in the White House." Upcoming fund-raisers will be held at Wacko's House of Chuckles in Baltimore on May 15th and at The Komedy Kastle and Bowling Alley in Pasiac, New Jersey on the 24th. If all goes well, Clinton plans to give the State of the Union Address on A&E's Evening at the Improv.
Presidentially Yours 05.02.97
President Clinton has announced he will formally apologize to the survivors of the Tuskegee experiments, in which 400 black men were knowingly not treated for syphilis for the purpose of federal research. Clinton said that he did not want to be "dripping with sentiment", but "this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Well, not my heart."
A Rose By Any Other Name Sounds As Funny 05.16.97
Mobuto and Kabila are still in an imbroglio over Kinshasa ever since the powwow in the Congo was kiboshed. I don't really have a joke, I just like the way it sounds.
Use The Force Of The Blast 05.16.97
Timothy McVeigh's former Army buddy Michael Fortier testified in court this week that McVeigh had used metaphors from the movie Star Wars to describe his intentions to blow up the Murrah Federal Building. Frankly, one of my biggest disappointments with the re-released special edition was George Lucas' decision to cut the part where Luke buys several 55-gallon barrels of nitrogen-based fertilizer, loads them into a rented landspeeder, and drives a flaming, ball of hot death into an Imperial daycare center, killing several hundred innocent children, Ugnaughts, and Jawas. But that's just me.
Open The Pod Bay Doors, Gary 05.16.97
Chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov was defeated by IBM supercomputer Deep Blue in the highly-publicized rematch. Kasparov conceded his defeat like a man, reaching out to give Deep Blue a congratulatory handshake. However, when he realized the cold, steely, soulless machine had no arms, Kasparov laughed a laugh that only humans could laugh, pulled the plug from the wall socket and yelled "Checkmate schmeckmate, who's the tough guy now, Hal?"
The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla 05.16.97
A devastating earthquake rocked Northern Iran this week, leaving thousands of Iranians homeless, missing, or dead. International relief organizations were delighted with the response of Americans who were able to forget about the past, put history behind them, let bygones be bygones and send tons of unwanted items to the ravaged nation. They would like to inform would-be donors, however, that they already have enough Billy Beer, vinyl copies of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, and Fuck Iran long-sleeved T-shirts, and what they really need is blankets.
The International Rifle Association 05.16.97
In response to February's Empire State Building shooting spree, President Clinton announced new gun sale restrictions that will now require foreigners to establish residency for at least 90 days before they can buy a firearm and go on a shooting spree at the Empire State Building.
The Old Fashioned Way 05.16.97
According to his annual financial disclosure form, President Clinton owes over $1 million each to two separate law firms defending him in Whitewater and a sexual harassment suit. The President didn't seem concerned about the debt, saying, "Hey, a night in the Lincoln bedroom here, a fancy schmancy dinner for Chinese nationals there, boom, I've got your million dollars and change by the weekend."
I’d Like To Call Able Team and Phoenix Force To The Stand 05.16.97
A government witness testified that Timothy McVeigh's fingerprints could not be found on several key pieces of evidence linking him to the bombing. Apparently, McVeigh wore gloves when underlining passages from his dog-eared copy of Mack Bolan, the Executioner #65.
In Like Flinn 05.21.97
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery and other charges. The service in fact plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then throwing medium-sized stones at the dirty jezebel.
How Do You Spell “Tourette’s” 05.28.97
As she nervously waved her arms and mumbled into her cupped hands, 13-year-old Rebecca Sealfon correctly spelled the word "euonym" and captured the 70th National Spelling Bee title. Spastically shouting out each letter as she pogoed excitedly in place, Sealfon made it to the finals by spelling the Latinates "obsessive", "compulsive", and "behavior" and the compound word "David Helfgott".
Congoing Crazy 05.28.97
After ousting Mobotu, Laurent Kabila was inaugurated as president of the Congo this week, promising that the new republic will be a democracy with three branches of government, but until a Constitution is ratified, he will rule the country by decree and appoint whomever he wants to whatever position he decides to create. When asked how this constitutes "democracy," Kabila had the reporter tortured and killed, blew into a conch shell and replied, "You want a piece of me? I'm the King of the Hill now, baby. One man, one vote, and I'm the one man with the one vote. Oh, and I'm raising your taxes."
Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 06.02.97
Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. Her 12-year-old nephew implicated in the fire, denies any involvement, but did suggest he created the atmosphere in which the fire was started.
Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 2 06.02.97
Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. While fatal third degee burns are certainly a tragedy, on the plus side, Shabazz may receive the Best Actor nod in next year's Oscars.
Fight The Power 07.02.97
Researchers have concluded that power lines do not increase our children's risk of developing leukemia. The study did not, however, rule out the potential of turning children into mutant freaks with the ability to telepathically manipulate electromagnetic waves with their minds, forcing community watchdogs to ostracise the frightened, misunderstood youngsters who will flee to the fringes of society where, as supervillains, they will plot their revenge and declare, fists raised defiantly, "that'll show 'em" and "those so-and-so's will rue the day the met me". Eventually, they'll use their powers of evil to shut down the world's centers of commerce and trade, and, to defeat the evil menace, the government will call in the children who lived in areas with high benzine content in the water supply and developed the ability to transform themselves into any carbon-based molecular structure, and a battle of galactic proportions will ensue. So parents, even with the announcement of the cure of leukemia, you must diligently warn your children to avoid downed power lines because we're not out of the woods yet.
Calypso 07.02.97
This weekend, a memorial service was held to commemorate the passing of oceanographer Jacques Cousteau who died last week at the age of 87. Cousteau's body was chopped into tiny bits of chum and thrown to sharks as mourners were lowered in submersible protective cages to capture the whole thing on videotape. One pallbearer was heard to say "It was great. Now if only that prick Marty Stouffer got mauled by a bear."
Vodka Served In First Class Only 05.01.97
The first Russian jet powered by an American engine was unveiled today, which the Russians hope will help them break into the world aviation market. The jet, powered by a V-6 from a 1987 Ford Taurus will not be able to fly, but can get 23 MPG in the city and can take corners at up to 65, without tipping over.
What About Tic-Tacs? 05.02.97
James Morgan, president of Philip Morris, in response to a $5 billion class action lawsuit, said in a videotaped message that tobacco is no more addictive than Gummy Bear candy. A representative for the Gummy Company, makers of Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, and the Gummed Backing On Envelopes, has denied reports that executives buried a 1972 memo warning of the potentially addictive and hazardous side effects of sugary, gelatinous goo, but has offered to pour millions of dollars into research on the Gummy Patch.
Thank Heaven For... 05.02.97
According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates the percentage of young girls ages 15 to 19 having sex with government researchers is way up.
Thank Heaven, For... 2 05.02.97
According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates there been a 5% increase in the incidents of young girls ages 15 to 19 lying.
Trumped Again 05.02.97
Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night, which is well above the going-rate for a 28-year-old flight attendant.
Trumped Again 2 05.02.97
Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night. All of this will be detailed in Maples' new book, "The Art of the Deal".
And Keeps It Off 05.02.97
A woman undergoing lipsuction surgery bled to death after doctors removed 20 pounds of fat from her. In response to attempts by California officials to suspend their licenses, they were quoted as saying, "I don't know what the problem is. She lost the weight".
International Bullshit Machine 05.02.97
Grandmaster Gary Kasparov will face challenger IBM's Deep Blue in a rematch. Once again, Kasparov will attempt to prove to the world the superiority of human intelligence, the flexibility of human thought processes, and the ability of IBM to shamelessly exploit any event to sell more personal computers.
Take Two Pentium Chips And Call Me In The Morning 05.02.97
Columbia/HCA Healthcare Corp. of New York, the nation's largest hospital company, is testing a system allowing doctors to make virtual housecalls. This comes as a boon for hypochondriacs.
Liggett My Eggett 05.16.97
Liggett Group, makers of Lark, Eve, and Chesterfield cigarettes, has announced that their brands will now be marked with labels warning that smoking is addictive. This comes as great news for all those consumers who don't smoke now, but planned on inventing a time machine to travel back to the Fifties, where they can heavy pet in a bomb shelter before driving their steady home in Dad's Edsel and meeting the guys at the soda fountain for a malted.
Whoopski! 05.16.97
A government report indicates that, due to computer glitches, several Russian missiles aimed at the US have been activated in recent months. I don’t know about you, but the idea of some bleery-eyed Cossack half-drunk on potato vodka, working a swing shift at the missile silo, downloading nude photos of the latest Bond girl, hitting the back button and there goes Omaha , Nebraska is not comforting. Hey, Mother Russia, fuck the Mir space station, fuck the Chechnyan conflict, fuck the goddamn bread lines, let’s get to work de-activating the ICBM’s so that I can quit stockpiling cans of cling peaches in my basement and get back to fearing the Chinese.
Cheeseburger In Paradise 05.28.97
Nike shares skyrocketed this week, led by speculation that septuagenarian billionaire investor Warren Buffett is interested in investing in the athletic footwear company. Unfortunately, the stocks plummeted late in the day when all of Wall Street simultaneously asked themselves what a 70-year-old man needs with a pair of Air Jordans.
The Royale With Cheese 05.28.97
After franchisees balked at the idea, McDonald's has ix-nayed a proposal to guarantee serving customers their orders within 55 seconds of payment. Apparently, however, employees have tentatively agreed to continue fucking up your order no matter how long it takes, and “we'll put that in writing if need be.”
Smoke Gets In Your Lies 05.28.97
The Federal Trade Commission will charge RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co. with unfair advertising because of its Joe Camel ad campaign. Uncle Sam apparently is sick and tired of being cuckolded by a pool-playing anthropomorphic dromedary with a vagina for a mouth and wants to impress on our American youth that the only reason you should ever, ever take up smoking is because cowboys and race cars are really, really cool.
Anatomically and Politically Correct 05.28.97
Toy manufacturer Mattel has announced a new doll in their Barbie line that they claim will "help dispel the myths and stereotypes children have of the handicapped". The new doll, Share-A-Smile Becky, will come with a plastic pink wheelchair, long, thin-yet-shapely legs that don't work, disproportionately large and perky breasts with no feeling, and one almond-shaped baby blue eye with a severed optic nerve and matching handbag.
All in the Family 03.02.97
Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.
Creature Feature 03.02.97
Tomoyuki Tanaka, creator of the popular Japanese monster movies, passed away at the age of 86. The pall bearers included a 50 foot fire breathing lizard, a screeching teradactyl and a flame throwing flying tortoise who is friend to all children. The poignant eulogy, "Arrgggheeeeuuuggghhhhh!!!!", was delivered by a three headed flying dragon from outer space
Goufée 03.04.97
Disney has announced plans to introduce its Disney Channel this March in France. In an effort to make their programming more accessible to the foreign market, some of the shows have been altered slightly and will include Donald Duck ala Orange, Huey, Dewey and Louix XIV, and The Absent-Minded Collaborator.
Bedtime To Ronzo 03.05.97
Ronald and Nancy Reagan are celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary, which prompted Mrs. Reagan to say “It seems like only 45 minutes since wedding bells rang.” Though the former first lady was waxing metaphoric, ironically enough, it really does only seem that long to her husband.
Mary...I’m Home! 03.05.97
A New Jersey production of a passion play has received racist letters and numerous ticket cancellations due to the casting of Desi Arnaz Giles, an African-American actor, as Jesus. The disgruntled theatergoers were not upset that a black man was playing Christ, but that he took a beloved Cuban bandleader’s name in vain.
Homeless Alone 03.05.97
The parents of McCauley Culkin are still locking horns with each other in a bitter lawsuit to win custody of their six children and the millions of dollars belonging to their famous son. A judge has stepped in and placed control of the young actor’s finances in the hands of his accountant. Likewise, in an effort to insure that the children will be allowed to have healthy, normal childhoods, the judge has granted custody of the six children to the parents of Drew Barrymore, Danny Bonaduce, Brooke Shields, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and the Jackson 5.
I’m Looking For Sara Connor 03.05.97
Despite her impending marriage to action director James Cameron, actress Linda Hamilton is still fighting rumors that she is a lesbian. The Terminator 2 star is still baffled as to why the rumors have been haunting her since college, where she double-majored in the complete works of Gertrude Stein and Virginia Woolf, played for the golf team and listed Clambake as her favorite Elvis movie.
Love Is Many Splendored Thing 03.06.97
Courtney Love wants a Florida county to pay $27,000 in legal fees relating to an incident in which Love punched two fans at one her shows. The judge in that trial ruled in Love’s favor stating that the fans were not exposed to any more violence than should be expected at a grunge concert. Strangely, the same judge ruled similarly to a case involving Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman.
Four Score And Seven Subpeonas Ago 03.07.97
President Bill Clinton and wife Hilary honored President Abraham Lincoln by attending a gala held at Ford’s Theater. As a tribute to the sixteenth president, Clinton leapt from the balcony to the stage, breaking his ankle, and shouted “sic semper tyranannus” as he ran from the theater to a barn in Virginia, where he was hunted down and killed by union troops. Questioned about his bizarre behavior, the dead Clinton said, “I didn’t want appear rude by just leaving.”
With Music By Elton John, Lyrics By Tim Rice 03.07.97
Disney’s Touchstone Pictures is trying secure the rights to the true story of Irish reporter Veronica Guerin, who was allegedly gunned down by a drug lord. Since Guerin’s husband still refuses to sell them his wife’s story, the movie studio is going ahead with their own “unauthorized” version featuring Bette Midler as Guerin, Robin Williams as her husband, Rick Moranis as the evil drug lord and the voice of Gilbert Gottfried as Guerin’s animated talking cat, Seamus.
Might As Well Jump 03.07.97
Bubblefactory records will be the lucky company that gets to release Sammy Hagar’s first post-Van Halen album. “O U Fired Me 2” will be an entirely accapela outing featuring harmonies between Hagar and David Lee Roth. Tunes include the rock ballad, “Who Needs A Guitar Player Anyway?” and “If My Last Name Were Van Halen, I Would Still Have A Job”.
We Now Return To Hallmark’s “Amaru!” 03.07.97
Hollywood has already began putting together the cast for a movie about the Peruvian hostage crisis, even though the standoff has yet to be resolved. Hollywood should be able to master this story rather easily as they are quite adept at long-protracted stories about nothing without an ending.
Bitter Pill 03.07.97
Tony Tennille expressed surprise and dissapointment when she failed to gain the lead in Victor/Victoria, losing out to Raquel Welch. This comes on the heels of her dissapointment at discovering that “The Captain” is not really in the military and that you can’t make love to a Muskrat.
Best Known As The Voice Of Grampa On Rugrats 03.07.97
Actor David Doyle, who played Bosley on “Charlie’s Angels”, died last week at the age of 67. The eulogy was delivered by a disembodied voice on a speakerphone, and rumors that the actor was seen being escorted into the sky by three angels in multi-colored jumpsuits with outdated feathered hair styles remain unconfirmed.
Come Out, Come Out Where Ellen You Are 03.07.97
Saturday night, at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s “Women’s Night,” actress Ellen Degeneres planted a huge kiss on singer kd Lang, once and for all, dispelling any doubts that kd Lang is, in fact, a lesbian.
Black Is Black 03.07.97
Rap record mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was sentenced to nine years for parole violation and his participation in a gang murder. Insiders (Snake, Mad Dog, and My Bitch from Cell Block 9) speculate that Knight’s incarceration was just a shrewd business move designed to drive up stock in Death Row Records, but Knight, speaking from his cell phone in the prison recording studio where he is producing the new artist Rappin’ Richard Ramirez, denied the charges, assuring all the kids at home that they could still look up to him, because he, in fact, remains a dope fly fresh live hype gang$ta pimp hustler motherfucker who caps suckas who front, ai-ite!
Swirlie Girlie 03.09.97
Jenny McCarthy had no comment when informed that Cosmopolitan and Vogue rejected her “Candies” shoe ad showing the blonde starlet sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles. She was reported to be elated, however, to learn that the ad will be featured in Commodes Quarterly, Porcelain Today and Panties Around Your Ankles Monthly.
The Marrying Kind 03.09.97
Christie Brinkley, who married fourth and latest husband Peter Cook only 1 1/2 years after marrying, and then divorcing, her third husband Rick Taubman, told a Redbook reporter that she “must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress” when she married Taubman who rescued her from a blazing helicopter crash. Brinkley then divorced Cook and married the Redbook reporter.
Peter’s Friend 03.09.97
Kenneth Branagh, nominated for his screenplay adaptation of “Hamlet”, will be presenting an award at the 69th annual Academy Awards. Branagh’s uncut presentation, which the actor will write, direct and star in, will be three and a half hours in length and feature cameos by Sir John Gielgud, Al Pacino and Robin Williams and remain true to the original.
Cell-uloid Princess 03.10.97
Legendary Hollywood movie queen Hedy Lamarr is being honored for techonology she helped create fifty years ago, that inspired the invention of cellular phones. Fortunately, Ms. Lamarr is being honored while she is still alive, unlike her other contemporaries in science, Greta Garbo, who pioneered room temperature fusion, Jean Harlow, mother of manned space travel and Nikola Tesla, who popularized the “Peek-a-boo” hair-do.
Thanks For Your Support 03.10.97
Richard Marx and Jewel are among the stars arriving on Capitol Hill today to petition for more funding for the arts. It looks like there will be no funding for the arts this year.
The Final Trump 03.10.97
Alfred Sheinwold, who authored thirteen books and a daily syndicated column on bridge, died at the age of 85. Evidently he had been sitting at the table for five days before anyone noticed.
I’m Being Degeneres 03.10.97
Melissa Ethridge and kd Lang, two known singers, are slated to appear in the “coming out” episode of Ellen. The last minute addition was caused when original guests, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan, unexpectedly backed out. The show about Ellen’s sexual orientation has been on the table for months now, and the episode, eight hours in length, will consist of Degeneres saying “I am gay,” and clip after clip of everyone in America saying, “I know.”
Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Can’t You See 03.10.97
In Los Angeles, rapper Big E. Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting outside of a Soul Train Awards party at the Petersen Automotive Museum. Though the assailants are still at large, the car is now on display.
My Left Eye 03.11.97
Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, died yesterday, after a prolonged paralysis during which he dictated a 150-page book, letter by letter by winking his left eye. The book, “Le Scaphandre et le Papillon” (The Diving Suit and the Butterfly), makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, he just had something in his eye.
Rapping It Up 03.11.97
The album title of the late Gangsta Rapper Notorious B.I.G. was, aptly enough, “Life After Death, Till Death Do Us Part”, though he insisted he was not predicting his own death. Ironically enough, there has been no explanation for the tracks on the album, “Gonna Get Shot in Front of a Museum”, and “I Didn’t Want To Go To The Mickyficky Soultrain Awards Anyway.”
Do The Loco-Motion With Me 03.12.97
Veteran 70’s rock band Grand Funk Railroad are touring the country with the Sarajevo Symphony to raise money for charity. Other bands that need your help include Kansas, Bachman-Turner Overdrive and America.
Silence Isn't Golden 03.12.97
Evidence has come to light that Laurence Austin, the owner and operator of the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles, was the victim of a murder for hire. The investigating team, twenty policemen from the Keystone division, actually cornered a suspect, but the pursuit was foiled when a piano fell on their paddy wagon.
To Be Or Not To Be O/S 03.13.97
A 1964 filmed production of "Hamlet" starring Richard Burton will be premiering on the Internet next month. The film will be shown much against the wishes of the late star, who was vehemently opposed to having "Hamlet" seen on a movie screen. Burton will happy to know that instead, the film will be shown on a 160 x 120 pixel window at 2 frames per second and with audio that cuts out during all the soliloquies.
Ask Dr. Laura 03.14.97
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio therapist who tells her callers to "get over it" when it comes to being weak and overly sensitive, broke down on the air, after being criticized by a Dallas newspaper. To find solace, Schlessinger ended up spending two hours on the phone with her rabbi. The rabbi has sent Schlessinger to work on a kibbutz in Haifa, while in her time slot, he will now be hosting his own self-help show, "Kvetch and Retch."
The Littlest Big Star 03.14.97
LeAnn Rimes, the 14-year-old country music star, has just crayoned a million dollar book deal with Doubleday. The book, a novelization about a young singer's Christmas, must be two pages, double-spaced, no more than five hundred words and the thesis must be clearly stated in the first paragraph. For extra credit, Miss Rimes can write an essay entitled "What I Did With My Million Dollar Book Deal."
The Big E 03.14.97
The twenty year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death will be observed in grand style, featuring live tributes, a full symphony orchestra playing his hits and the world's largest Elvis candlelight vigil. Several of the events not being featured include the Robert Goulet Celebrity T.V. Shoot-Out, All You Can Eat Clambake, and the Third Annual Nembutal Swallowing Competition.
And Big E. 03.14.97
The family of slain rapper Notorious B.I.G. is asking that the funeral be held privately and in peace. Kirk Burrowes, president of Bad Boy Entertainment reiterated the wish saying, "There will plenty of time in the coming weeks for you to show your support, your love and your respect for B.I.G." Fans will be expected to show their support, love and respect by purchasing the all-star music video version of the funeral, which will be released next month for $39.95.
Jack Of All Trades 03.17.97
A Los Angeles-based record company is releasing a compact disc of Jack Kevorkian's jazz compositions. Selections also include several jazz covers of such favorites as "Killing Me Softly". Music critics feel that this is further proof that jazz is indeed, dead.
Delhi Cuts 03.17.97
Five Indian farmers in New Delhi have threatened to kill themselves if New Age musician Yanni plays a concert on their land. Sometimes a joke just writes itself.
Olive Branch Releasing Presents 03.18.97
Paramount Pictures announced they are holding back the summer release of their blockbuster disaster epic, "The Flood" stating that they need more time to work on the film. The filmmakers plan to bring in two of every kind of producer to fix the script.
I Concur 03.19.97
New age musician Yanni says he wants his concert at the Taj Mahal to be a "feel good experience" and, in an effort to diffuse the situation with the five protesting Indian farmers, invited them to come in free. They declined, saying they'd rather set themselves on fire.
At Rest In The Fortress of Solitude 03.19.97
Alexander Salkind, the producer who gave the world the "Superman" films, died in Paris at the age of 75. Though reports first listed the cause of death as a stomach ailment, rumors of a glowing green substance found under Salkind's bed remain unconfirmed. In response to the news, a grieving Superman flew around the earth trying to reverse time and bring Salkind back, but, alas, it was too late.
What A Wonderful World 03.19.97
The "Wonderful World of Disney" will be returning to network television on ABC. Inasmuch as Disney already has pretty much exhausted its supply of cartoons, films and cartoon films on its cable channel, the new ABC series will be reality-based. Segments will include up-close and personal pieces on Disney execs, their homes and their cars. Other proposed features are "Studio Cops", in which security guards deal every week with unauthorized persons attempting to enter the building, and "It's A Small World, After All", detailing sweatshop conditions in Asia.
HIStory 03.19.97
Michael Jackson has won a lawsuit brought against him by five former employees who claimed they were fired for co-operating in a child molestation investigation. The jury, composed of six light-skinned black men and six pedophiles, decided that the plaintiffs were clearly trying to "kick him, kike him and that they shouldn't black or white him."
No Longer A Youngman 03.19.97
King of the one-liners Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday today. While trying to blow out the candles on his cake, the comic was heard to say, "Take my life, please."
Breaking The Point 03.19.97
Producers of "Breaking the Surface", the Greg Louganis story, have not allowed any kissing scenes in the film, for fear of turning off viewers. In an effort to avoid turning off people who hate swimming, the Louganis character is now a Russian husband and wife figure skating team and for those uncomfortable with the issues of HIV, the male skater will simply contract a bad cough.
Stern Admonitions 03.20.97
In an effort to promote peace in the rap community, Howard Stern invited rappers to a "summit" on the show. The discussion included such notorious 'gangstas' as Mele-mel, Chubb Rock and Luther Campbell. Things became ugly when Jewel, Melissa Ethridge, and Seal drove by in another studio yelling mild obscenities in a drive-by shouting. Though no peace accord was reached, they managed to agree that "Private Parts" is a good movie, and that they would all like to have sex with lesbians.
Bring Out The Gimp 03.20.97
The Los Angeles Times reported that based on this year's nominations, playing a role with a physical affliction is the surest way for an actor to get a Best Actor nomination. Hopes now run high for Jim Varney's upcoming, "The Stephen Hawking Story ", Andrew Dice Clay's turn as Quasimodo and Pia Zadora's much acclaimed portrayal in the "Helen Keller Story."
The Bluest Skies I’ve Ever Seen 03.20.97
Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth says that on his new TV series, Lawless, he will be doing his own stunts, unlike when he played football. Of television he adds, "This is similar to football, I work all week and get paid on Saturday." It is also similar to football in that the new series is almost as bad as the Seahawks.
All-You-Can-Eat Buffett 03.20.97
Pop singer Jimmy Buffett is suing the owners of the Maui-based restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise", for profiting off his song title. In an effort to stem the tide of others reaping benefits off his efforts, Buffet plans to sue "Wasted Away in Margaritaville" a re-hab clinic for hopeless alcoholics with a weakness for Tequila.
The Women of Forest Lawn 03.21.97
Grace Hefner, the mother of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, died today at the age of 101. Grace was 5'4", 32-45-36, and her interests included writing poetry, romantic candlelight dinners, Tupperware, mah-jongg and breathing.
The Big W. 03.24.97
Reverend W. Awdry, author of the famed Thomas the Tank Engine children's tales, died at the age of 85. I guess he just ran out of steam.
Crammed With Graham 03.25.97
Stedman Graham has a fairly good chance of making Oprah's book list with his motivational entry entitled "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine Step Plan For Success." Step one: Meet Oprah, Step Two: Ask Oprah out, Step Three: Date Oprah, Step Four: Sleep with Oprah, Step Five: Get engaged to Oprah, Step Six:Get Oprah to introduce you to some publishers, Step Seven: Mention Oprah's name when meeting with the publisher, Step Eight: Have Oprah mention the book on TV, Step Nine:Get on Oprah's show.
And On A Blue Note... 03.25.97
Harold Melvin, former leader of the Philadelphia doo-wop group the Blue Notes, died from a stroke at the age of 57. If you don't him by now, you're never never never gonna know him...
Nava Again 03.28.97
Selena director Gregory Nava was criticized by a New York Times critic who felt the film was "too nice", including the fact that Selena's death is not even shown. Nava defended the choice saying, "I wanted to go back to the Greek tragedies. Murder was never shown on stage." Oddly enough, the film closely resembles the little known Greek tragedy Lysistrata Con Much Gusto, the story of an Athenian princess who moves to Mexico to become a pop star and ends up getting her eyes poked out by a jealous fan who also happens to be her mother.
The Sun Ain’t Coming Out 03.31.97
Joanna Pacitti, the 12-year-old who was fired from the Broadway revival of "Annie", sold her story for a TV movie tentatively entitled, "Little Orphaned Annie." Unfortunatly, a week into shooting, Pacitti was replaced.
Because, Because, Because, Because, Because 03.31.97
15-year-old Jessica Grove has been selected to play Dorothy in the Broadway production of "The Wizard of Oz." In the tradition of the original production, the Tin Man will get deathly-ill from the makeup, the Glenda the Good Witch will never work again, and Dorothy will be put on a strict diet of Nembutal.
If It’s Too Loud 03.31.97
An Arizona judge has filed a lawsuit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has had a persistent ringing in his ears alleging it was the loudest concert he ever heard. Not willing to take any more chances with his hearing, the judge has sold off his tickets to Anne Murray, Air Supply and Marcel Marceau.
Turner Classic Loonies 03.31.97
In response to the Heaven's Gate incident, Ted Turner replied that mass suicide is "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." Turner, you may recall, thought that a talking dog could carry a fledgling 24-hours news network, that making black-and-white films look like Monet paintings is a good idea, and that Barbarella would make a docile, corporate wife. Time Warner suggested another good way to get rid of a few nuts: "buy their companies and make them Vice Chairman of yours."
For Sale By Owner’s Proxy 03.31.97
This month, Barbra Streisand's Holmby Hills home will go on the market for a reported $7.5 million. Despite the complaints of neighbors, the facade of the home was never renovated as Barbra felt any cosmetic changes would affect the resonance. The five-bedroom, seven-bath house features soft-lighting, stage fright and James Brolin. Barbra will not show the home herself, but will ask Celine Dion to do it for her.
Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97
Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.
It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97
Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.
The Legend Continues 04.02.97
Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.
Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97
Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.
Good Vibrations 04.03.97
Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."
The Merry Cancers 04.04.97
Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."
One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97
Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined.
Kaddish 04.07.97
Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.
The More Things Change 04.08.97
Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.
What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97
After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.
Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97
This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.
Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97
The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.
Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97
The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time...I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked..."<
Superunknown 04.09.97
Seattle based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.
The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97
Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After trying repeadtedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.
Dustin The Wind 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".
Dustin The Wind 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral, sleazy, money-grubbing shyster."
L is for... 04.09.97
In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"
A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97
The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.
The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97
Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Fla. have canceled the sixteen year old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.
It's A Bird! 04.10.97
Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.
Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97
A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the model maker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.
Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97
The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: the music and the phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.
Stealing Liv 04.13.97
Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went on-line for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.
The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97
British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.
Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97
Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.
Mission Impossible 04.15.97
A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.
They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97
Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for Sushi?"
Modern Times 04.15.97
Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center, the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17 Year Old and Younger Singles Bar.
Man of Steel 04.16.97
Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.
On With The Body Count 04.16.97
Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be gangsta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.
Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97
The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."
Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97
ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."
Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97
In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."
There Are More Records Of 04.15.97
The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free, and then be sold to other states.
Art Imitating Life 04.15.97
After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.
Some People Call Them Fake Tits, I Call Them Augmented 04.16.97
Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade and appeared in the film One False Move and the TV series Evening Shade. In a related story, Billy Bob Thorton is a talented man who will continue to work for a long, long time and Pietra is a stupid cunt whose only talent is having silicone breast implants. Fuck you, whore.
Another False Move 04.16.97
Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.
The Main Event 04.17.97
West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.
The Main Event 2 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.
The Main Event 3 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."
Just Ducky 04.17.97
Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."
Typecasting 101 04.17.97
"Kissed" the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.
Croatan 04.18.97
Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.
In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97
A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.
Brainsmashing 04.18.97
Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.
Gill-ty 04.18.97
Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years , Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.
The Beautiful People 04.18.97
Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.
I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97
The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.
The Unreal World 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.
The Unreal World 2 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.
Kojak City 4.18.97
Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.
Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97
The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.
Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97
Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.
Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97
Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.
You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97
Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".
Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97
The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.
Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97
A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."
Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97
Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?
Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97
Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.
Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97
Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."
Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97
Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?
In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.
The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.
Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.
Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack ahd a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.
And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.
Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97
Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currenlty shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.
Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97
Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead", placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.
The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97
Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.
We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97
The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.
He Ain’t Frugal In All Areas 05.01.97
Five more young men have come forward accusing Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet, of sexually molesting them when they were teenagers. Smith was not available for comment, as he was working on his new cookbooks, "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks in Prison", "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks for the Vienna Boys Choir" and "The Frugal Gourmet's Boy Scout Cookbook."
Coming In America 05.02.97
Eddie Murphy was arrested Friday morning for soliciting an alleged transsexual prostitute. As it turns it, the versatile Murphy was playing both roles, as well as that of the arresting officer, as part of his new film, The Nutless Professor.
Who Will Play Sharon Tate? 05.02.97
Roman Polanski will be directing the musical version of his 1967 film, The Fearless Vampire Killers, entitled Dance of the Vampires. All shows will be childrens' matinees.
Up, Up, And Away 05.02.97
ABC Television has pulled "Lois & Clark: The New Adventure of Superman" from their Saturday night lineup for "re-tooling." New ABC Head of Programming, Lex Luthor, assures viewers that this is only the beginning. "Before I'm through with them, they'll be on Sunday mornings, playing opposite 'Lamp Onto My Feet' They'll rue the day they met me! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
In a related story, Teri Hatcher, star of "Lois & Clark" and the most downloaded celebrity on the Web, is pregnant. While this has prompted a downsurge in hits at alt.celebrities.nude.binary, it has caused an upswing in visits to alt.pregnant.nudecelebs.
The Digital Revolution Will Not Be Televised 05.02.97
Time Warner is canceling its interactive television channel, the Full Service Network, after only two years. Apparently, customers were not impressed with the "full service interactive" options, which included the ability to order a movie on demand. Time Warner is considering revamping the network and re-titling it PAY-PER-VIEW!
Ethics in Broadcasting 05.02.97
Anchor Carol Marin has quit Chicago's WMAQ-TV after the station hired former tabloid talk-show host Jerry Springer to do commentary. Apparently, Marin was excited by the prospect of an opening in daytime TV.
Just Wondering 05.02.97
An estimated 42 million viewers tuned in Wednesday night to watch Ellen come out. According to fag statistics, 4.2 million of them would be gay, which indicates that some 38 million Americans are at least "curious."
Damn Right I Got The Blues 05.02.97
The Blues Foundation handed out the 18th Annual WC Handy Awards Thursday night in Memphis to those individuals who have kept the blues alive. Unfortunately, none of the nominees showed up as they were too depressed, melancholy and downtrodden to attend.
A Sort of Homecoming 05.02.97
The righteously-indignant Irish rock band U2 is laying tracks for its first new album in four years. In an effort to further alienate any fans of the band’s earlier music, the new album plans to cash in on the techno-dance sound. While the beats will be phat, Bono still plans to run his trap about social concerns he’s only half-aware of. Furthermore, REM and Sinead O’Connor are irritating, too, and, even though he hasn’t said a goddamned thing about trees or peace, Seal can go fuck himself.
I’m An Asshole 05.02.97
With the success of his Apostle Pictures, actor-comic Denis Leary can now add “producer” to his hyphenated title. And while he’s at it, he can take the “actor” and “comic” parts off.
Have A Nice Day 05.16.97
Sadly, comedian George Carlin’s wife and manager Brenda Carlin died this week. D’you ever notice you don’t seem to get laid much at a funeral?
Abracadaver 05.18.97
Sadly, magician Harry Blackstone died of cancer this week at the age of 62. Mourners at his funeral were shocked and outraged when they discovered that the casket was missing, but delighted when the priest snapped his fingers three times, said the magic word, and pulled the coffin from behind the widow’s ear.
Police surrounding the ramshackle trailer which serves as the embassy for the Republic of Texas militia have gone ahead and cut off their power. Sheriffs did so by approaching the permiter under the cover of darkness, breaching the barb wire fence, crawling in close formation to avoid detection, and unplugging the hotplate.
Tony Blair, International Man Of Mystery 05.02.97
Labour Party leader Tony Blair won a landslide victory against John Major to become the youngest Prime Minister in Britain since 1812. Blair is so young, in fact, Parliament has voted that instead of the PM, he will now be officially known as the AM.
Take My Wife...PLEASE! 05.02.97
Last night, President Clinton once again tried to wow fund-raising guests with his attempts at stand up comedy, saying "I wish we could have had this event in the Lincoln Bedroom, but we did not have enough coffee in the White House." Upcoming fund-raisers will be held at Wacko's House of Chuckles in Baltimore on May 15th and at The Komedy Kastle and Bowling Alley in Pasiac, New Jersey on the 24th. If all goes well, Clinton plans to give the State of the Union Address on A&E's Evening at the Improv.
Presidentially Yours 05.02.97
President Clinton has announced he will formally apologize to the survivors of the Tuskegee experiments, in which 400 black men were knowingly not treated for syphilis for the purpose of federal research. Clinton said that he did not want to be "dripping with sentiment", but "this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Well, not my heart."
A Rose By Any Other Name Sounds As Funny 05.16.97
Mobuto and Kabila are still in an imbroglio over Kinshasa ever since the powwow in the Congo was kiboshed. I don't really have a joke, I just like the way it sounds.
Use The Force Of The Blast 05.16.97
Timothy McVeigh's former Army buddy Michael Fortier testified in court this week that McVeigh had used metaphors from the movie Star Wars to describe his intentions to blow up the Murrah Federal Building. Frankly, one of my biggest disappointments with the re-released special edition was George Lucas' decision to cut the part where Luke buys several 55-gallon barrels of nitrogen-based fertilizer, loads them into a rented landspeeder, and drives a flaming, ball of hot death into an Imperial daycare center, killing several hundred innocent children, Ugnaughts, and Jawas. But that's just me.
Open The Pod Bay Doors, Gary 05.16.97
Chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov was defeated by IBM supercomputer Deep Blue in the highly-publicized rematch. Kasparov conceded his defeat like a man, reaching out to give Deep Blue a congratulatory handshake. However, when he realized the cold, steely, soulless machine had no arms, Kasparov laughed a laugh that only humans could laugh, pulled the plug from the wall socket and yelled "Checkmate schmeckmate, who's the tough guy now, Hal?"
The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla 05.16.97
A devastating earthquake rocked Northern Iran this week, leaving thousands of Iranians homeless, missing, or dead. International relief organizations were delighted with the response of Americans who were able to forget about the past, put history behind them, let bygones be bygones and send tons of unwanted items to the ravaged nation. They would like to inform would-be donors, however, that they already have enough Billy Beer, vinyl copies of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, and Fuck Iran long-sleeved T-shirts, and what they really need is blankets.
The International Rifle Association 05.16.97
In response to February's Empire State Building shooting spree, President Clinton announced new gun sale restrictions that will now require foreigners to establish residency for at least 90 days before they can buy a firearm and go on a shooting spree at the Empire State Building.
The Old Fashioned Way 05.16.97
According to his annual financial disclosure form, President Clinton owes over $1 million each to two separate law firms defending him in Whitewater and a sexual harassment suit. The President didn't seem concerned about the debt, saying, "Hey, a night in the Lincoln bedroom here, a fancy schmancy dinner for Chinese nationals there, boom, I've got your million dollars and change by the weekend."
I’d Like To Call Able Team and Phoenix Force To The Stand 05.16.97
A government witness testified that Timothy McVeigh's fingerprints could not be found on several key pieces of evidence linking him to the bombing. Apparently, McVeigh wore gloves when underlining passages from his dog-eared copy of Mack Bolan, the Executioner #65.
In Like Flinn 05.21.97
Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery and other charges. The service in fact plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then throwing medium-sized stones at the dirty jezebel.
How Do You Spell “Tourette’s” 05.28.97
As she nervously waved her arms and mumbled into her cupped hands, 13-year-old Rebecca Sealfon correctly spelled the word "euonym" and captured the 70th National Spelling Bee title. Spastically shouting out each letter as she pogoed excitedly in place, Sealfon made it to the finals by spelling the Latinates "obsessive", "compulsive", and "behavior" and the compound word "David Helfgott".
Congoing Crazy 05.28.97
After ousting Mobotu, Laurent Kabila was inaugurated as president of the Congo this week, promising that the new republic will be a democracy with three branches of government, but until a Constitution is ratified, he will rule the country by decree and appoint whomever he wants to whatever position he decides to create. When asked how this constitutes "democracy," Kabila had the reporter tortured and killed, blew into a conch shell and replied, "You want a piece of me? I'm the King of the Hill now, baby. One man, one vote, and I'm the one man with the one vote. Oh, and I'm raising your taxes."
Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 06.02.97
Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. Her 12-year-old nephew implicated in the fire, denies any involvement, but did suggest he created the atmosphere in which the fire was started.
Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 2 06.02.97
Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. While fatal third degee burns are certainly a tragedy, on the plus side, Shabazz may receive the Best Actor nod in next year's Oscars.
Fight The Power 07.02.97
Researchers have concluded that power lines do not increase our children's risk of developing leukemia. The study did not, however, rule out the potential of turning children into mutant freaks with the ability to telepathically manipulate electromagnetic waves with their minds, forcing community watchdogs to ostracise the frightened, misunderstood youngsters who will flee to the fringes of society where, as supervillains, they will plot their revenge and declare, fists raised defiantly, "that'll show 'em" and "those so-and-so's will rue the day the met me". Eventually, they'll use their powers of evil to shut down the world's centers of commerce and trade, and, to defeat the evil menace, the government will call in the children who lived in areas with high benzine content in the water supply and developed the ability to transform themselves into any carbon-based molecular structure, and a battle of galactic proportions will ensue. So parents, even with the announcement of the cure of leukemia, you must diligently warn your children to avoid downed power lines because we're not out of the woods yet.
Calypso 07.02.97
This weekend, a memorial service was held to commemorate the passing of oceanographer Jacques Cousteau who died last week at the age of 87. Cousteau's body was chopped into tiny bits of chum and thrown to sharks as mourners were lowered in submersible protective cages to capture the whole thing on videotape. One pallbearer was heard to say "It was great. Now if only that prick Marty Stouffer got mauled by a bear."
Vodka Served In First Class Only 05.01.97
The first Russian jet powered by an American engine was unveiled today, which the Russians hope will help them break into the world aviation market. The jet, powered by a V-6 from a 1987 Ford Taurus will not be able to fly, but can get 23 MPG in the city and can take corners at up to 65, without tipping over.
What About Tic-Tacs? 05.02.97
James Morgan, president of Philip Morris, in response to a $5 billion class action lawsuit, said in a videotaped message that tobacco is no more addictive than Gummy Bear candy. A representative for the Gummy Company, makers of Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, and the Gummed Backing On Envelopes, has denied reports that executives buried a 1972 memo warning of the potentially addictive and hazardous side effects of sugary, gelatinous goo, but has offered to pour millions of dollars into research on the Gummy Patch.
Thank Heaven For... 05.02.97
According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates the percentage of young girls ages 15 to 19 having sex with government researchers is way up.
Thank Heaven, For... 2 05.02.97
According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates there been a 5% increase in the incidents of young girls ages 15 to 19 lying.
Trumped Again 05.02.97
Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night, which is well above the going-rate for a 28-year-old flight attendant.
Trumped Again 2 05.02.97
Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night. All of this will be detailed in Maples' new book, "The Art of the Deal".
And Keeps It Off 05.02.97
A woman undergoing lipsuction surgery bled to death after doctors removed 20 pounds of fat from her. In response to attempts by California officials to suspend their licenses, they were quoted as saying, "I don't know what the problem is. She lost the weight".
International Bullshit Machine 05.02.97
Grandmaster Gary Kasparov will face challenger IBM's Deep Blue in a rematch. Once again, Kasparov will attempt to prove to the world the superiority of human intelligence, the flexibility of human thought processes, and the ability of IBM to shamelessly exploit any event to sell more personal computers.
Take Two Pentium Chips And Call Me In The Morning 05.02.97
Columbia/HCA Healthcare Corp. of New York, the nation's largest hospital company, is testing a system allowing doctors to make virtual housecalls. This comes as a boon for hypochondriacs.
Liggett My Eggett 05.16.97
Liggett Group, makers of Lark, Eve, and Chesterfield cigarettes, has announced that their brands will now be marked with labels warning that smoking is addictive. This comes as great news for all those consumers who don't smoke now, but planned on inventing a time machine to travel back to the Fifties, where they can heavy pet in a bomb shelter before driving their steady home in Dad's Edsel and meeting the guys at the soda fountain for a malted.
Whoopski! 05.16.97
A government report indicates that, due to computer glitches, several Russian missiles aimed at the US have been activated in recent months. I don’t know about you, but the idea of some bleery-eyed Cossack half-drunk on potato vodka, working a swing shift at the missile silo, downloading nude photos of the latest Bond girl, hitting the back button and there goes Omaha , Nebraska is not comforting. Hey, Mother Russia, fuck the Mir space station, fuck the Chechnyan conflict, fuck the goddamn bread lines, let’s get to work de-activating the ICBM’s so that I can quit stockpiling cans of cling peaches in my basement and get back to fearing the Chinese.
Cheeseburger In Paradise 05.28.97
Nike shares skyrocketed this week, led by speculation that septuagenarian billionaire investor Warren Buffett is interested in investing in the athletic footwear company. Unfortunately, the stocks plummeted late in the day when all of Wall Street simultaneously asked themselves what a 70-year-old man needs with a pair of Air Jordans.
The Royale With Cheese 05.28.97
After franchisees balked at the idea, McDonald's has ix-nayed a proposal to guarantee serving customers their orders within 55 seconds of payment. Apparently, however, employees have tentatively agreed to continue fucking up your order no matter how long it takes, and “we'll put that in writing if need be.”
Smoke Gets In Your Lies 05.28.97
The Federal Trade Commission will charge RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co. with unfair advertising because of its Joe Camel ad campaign. Uncle Sam apparently is sick and tired of being cuckolded by a pool-playing anthropomorphic dromedary with a vagina for a mouth and wants to impress on our American youth that the only reason you should ever, ever take up smoking is because cowboys and race cars are really, really cool.
Anatomically and Politically Correct 05.28.97
Toy manufacturer Mattel has announced a new doll in their Barbie line that they claim will "help dispel the myths and stereotypes children have of the handicapped". The new doll, Share-A-Smile Becky, will come with a plastic pink wheelchair, long, thin-yet-shapely legs that don't work, disproportionately large and perky breasts with no feeling, and one almond-shaped baby blue eye with a severed optic nerve and matching handbag.
All in the Family 03.02.97
Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.
Creature Feature 03.02.97
Tomoyuki Tanaka, creator of the popular Japanese monster movies, passed away at the age of 86. The pall bearers included a 50 foot fire breathing lizard, a screeching teradactyl and a flame throwing flying tortoise who is friend to all children. The poignant eulogy, "Arrgggheeeeuuuggghhhhh!!!!", was delivered by a three headed flying dragon from outer space
Goufée 03.04.97
Disney has announced plans to introduce its Disney Channel this March in France. In an effort to make their programming more accessible to the foreign market, some of the shows have been altered slightly and will include Donald Duck ala Orange, Huey, Dewey and Louix XIV, and The Absent-Minded Collaborator.
Bedtime To Ronzo 03.05.97
Ronald and Nancy Reagan are celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary, which prompted Mrs. Reagan to say “It seems like only 45 minutes since wedding bells rang.” Though the former first lady was waxing metaphoric, ironically enough, it really does only seem that long to her husband.
Mary...I’m Home! 03.05.97
A New Jersey production of a passion play has received racist letters and numerous ticket cancellations due to the casting of Desi Arnaz Giles, an African-American actor, as Jesus. The disgruntled theatergoers were not upset that a black man was playing Christ, but that he took a beloved Cuban bandleader’s name in vain.
Homeless Alone 03.05.97
The parents of McCauley Culkin are still locking horns with each other in a bitter lawsuit to win custody of their six children and the millions of dollars belonging to their famous son. A judge has stepped in and placed control of the young actor’s finances in the hands of his accountant. Likewise, in an effort to insure that the children will be allowed to have healthy, normal childhoods, the judge has granted custody of the six children to the parents of Drew Barrymore, Danny Bonaduce, Brooke Shields, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and the Jackson 5.
I’m Looking For Sara Connor 03.05.97
Despite her impending marriage to action director James Cameron, actress Linda Hamilton is still fighting rumors that she is a lesbian. The Terminator 2 star is still baffled as to why the rumors have been haunting her since college, where she double-majored in the complete works of Gertrude Stein and Virginia Woolf, played for the golf team and listed Clambake as her favorite Elvis movie.
Love Is Many Splendored Thing 03.06.97
Courtney Love wants a Florida county to pay $27,000 in legal fees relating to an incident in which Love punched two fans at one her shows. The judge in that trial ruled in Love’s favor stating that the fans were not exposed to any more violence than should be expected at a grunge concert. Strangely, the same judge ruled similarly to a case involving Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman.
Four Score And Seven Subpeonas Ago 03.07.97
President Bill Clinton and wife Hilary honored President Abraham Lincoln by attending a gala held at Ford’s Theater. As a tribute to the sixteenth president, Clinton leapt from the balcony to the stage, breaking his ankle, and shouted “sic semper tyranannus” as he ran from the theater to a barn in Virginia, where he was hunted down and killed by union troops. Questioned about his bizarre behavior, the dead Clinton said, “I didn’t want appear rude by just leaving.”
With Music By Elton John, Lyrics By Tim Rice 03.07.97
Disney’s Touchstone Pictures is trying secure the rights to the true story of Irish reporter Veronica Guerin, who was allegedly gunned down by a drug lord. Since Guerin’s husband still refuses to sell them his wife’s story, the movie studio is going ahead with their own “unauthorized” version featuring Bette Midler as Guerin, Robin Williams as her husband, Rick Moranis as the evil drug lord and the voice of Gilbert Gottfried as Guerin’s animated talking cat, Seamus.
Might As Well Jump 03.07.97
Bubblefactory records will be the lucky company that gets to release Sammy Hagar’s first post-Van Halen album. “O U Fired Me 2” will be an entirely accapela outing featuring harmonies between Hagar and David Lee Roth. Tunes include the rock ballad, “Who Needs A Guitar Player Anyway?” and “If My Last Name Were Van Halen, I Would Still Have A Job”.
We Now Return To Hallmark’s “Amaru!” 03.07.97
Hollywood has already began putting together the cast for a movie about the Peruvian hostage crisis, even though the standoff has yet to be resolved. Hollywood should be able to master this story rather easily as they are quite adept at long-protracted stories about nothing without an ending.
Bitter Pill 03.07.97
Tony Tennille expressed surprise and dissapointment when she failed to gain the lead in Victor/Victoria, losing out to Raquel Welch. This comes on the heels of her dissapointment at discovering that “The Captain” is not really in the military and that you can’t make love to a Muskrat.
Best Known As The Voice Of Grampa On Rugrats 03.07.97
Actor David Doyle, who played Bosley on “Charlie’s Angels”, died last week at the age of 67. The eulogy was delivered by a disembodied voice on a speakerphone, and rumors that the actor was seen being escorted into the sky by three angels in multi-colored jumpsuits with outdated feathered hair styles remain unconfirmed.
Come Out, Come Out Where Ellen You Are 03.07.97
Saturday night, at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s “Women’s Night,” actress Ellen Degeneres planted a huge kiss on singer kd Lang, once and for all, dispelling any doubts that kd Lang is, in fact, a lesbian.
Black Is Black 03.07.97
Rap record mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was sentenced to nine years for parole violation and his participation in a gang murder. Insiders (Snake, Mad Dog, and My Bitch from Cell Block 9) speculate that Knight’s incarceration was just a shrewd business move designed to drive up stock in Death Row Records, but Knight, speaking from his cell phone in the prison recording studio where he is producing the new artist Rappin’ Richard Ramirez, denied the charges, assuring all the kids at home that they could still look up to him, because he, in fact, remains a dope fly fresh live hype gang$ta pimp hustler motherfucker who caps suckas who front, ai-ite!
Swirlie Girlie 03.09.97
Jenny McCarthy had no comment when informed that Cosmopolitan and Vogue rejected her “Candies” shoe ad showing the blonde starlet sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles. She was reported to be elated, however, to learn that the ad will be featured in Commodes Quarterly, Porcelain Today and Panties Around Your Ankles Monthly.
The Marrying Kind 03.09.97
Christie Brinkley, who married fourth and latest husband Peter Cook only 1 1/2 years after marrying, and then divorcing, her third husband Rick Taubman, told a Redbook reporter that she “must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress” when she married Taubman who rescued her from a blazing helicopter crash. Brinkley then divorced Cook and married the Redbook reporter.
Peter’s Friend 03.09.97
Kenneth Branagh, nominated for his screenplay adaptation of “Hamlet”, will be presenting an award at the 69th annual Academy Awards. Branagh’s uncut presentation, which the actor will write, direct and star in, will be three and a half hours in length and feature cameos by Sir John Gielgud, Al Pacino and Robin Williams and remain true to the original.
Cell-uloid Princess 03.10.97
Legendary Hollywood movie queen Hedy Lamarr is being honored for techonology she helped create fifty years ago, that inspired the invention of cellular phones. Fortunately, Ms. Lamarr is being honored while she is still alive, unlike her other contemporaries in science, Greta Garbo, who pioneered room temperature fusion, Jean Harlow, mother of manned space travel and Nikola Tesla, who popularized the “Peek-a-boo” hair-do.
Thanks For Your Support 03.10.97
Richard Marx and Jewel are among the stars arriving on Capitol Hill today to petition for more funding for the arts. It looks like there will be no funding for the arts this year.
The Final Trump 03.10.97
Alfred Sheinwold, who authored thirteen books and a daily syndicated column on bridge, died at the age of 85. Evidently he had been sitting at the table for five days before anyone noticed.
I’m Being Degeneres 03.10.97
Melissa Ethridge and kd Lang, two known singers, are slated to appear in the “coming out” episode of Ellen. The last minute addition was caused when original guests, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan, unexpectedly backed out. The show about Ellen’s sexual orientation has been on the table for months now, and the episode, eight hours in length, will consist of Degeneres saying “I am gay,” and clip after clip of everyone in America saying, “I know.”
Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Can’t You See 03.10.97
In Los Angeles, rapper Big E. Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting outside of a Soul Train Awards party at the Petersen Automotive Museum. Though the assailants are still at large, the car is now on display.
My Left Eye 03.11.97
Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, died yesterday, after a prolonged paralysis during which he dictated a 150-page book, letter by letter by winking his left eye. The book, “Le Scaphandre et le Papillon” (The Diving Suit and the Butterfly), makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, he just had something in his eye.
Rapping It Up 03.11.97
The album title of the late Gangsta Rapper Notorious B.I.G. was, aptly enough, “Life After Death, Till Death Do Us Part”, though he insisted he was not predicting his own death. Ironically enough, there has been no explanation for the tracks on the album, “Gonna Get Shot in Front of a Museum”, and “I Didn’t Want To Go To The Mickyficky Soultrain Awards Anyway.”
Do The Loco-Motion With Me 03.12.97
Veteran 70’s rock band Grand Funk Railroad are touring the country with the Sarajevo Symphony to raise money for charity. Other bands that need your help include Kansas, Bachman-Turner Overdrive and America.
Silence Isn't Golden 03.12.97
Evidence has come to light that Laurence Austin, the owner and operator of the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles, was the victim of a murder for hire. The investigating team, twenty policemen from the Keystone division, actually cornered a suspect, but the pursuit was foiled when a piano fell on their paddy wagon.
To Be Or Not To Be O/S 03.13.97
A 1964 filmed production of "Hamlet" starring Richard Burton will be premiering on the Internet next month. The film will be shown much against the wishes of the late star, who was vehemently opposed to having "Hamlet" seen on a movie screen. Burton will happy to know that instead, the film will be shown on a 160 x 120 pixel window at 2 frames per second and with audio that cuts out during all the soliloquies.
Ask Dr. Laura 03.14.97
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio therapist who tells her callers to "get over it" when it comes to being weak and overly sensitive, broke down on the air, after being criticized by a Dallas newspaper. To find solace, Schlessinger ended up spending two hours on the phone with her rabbi. The rabbi has sent Schlessinger to work on a kibbutz in Haifa, while in her time slot, he will now be hosting his own self-help show, "Kvetch and Retch."
The Littlest Big Star 03.14.97
LeAnn Rimes, the 14-year-old country music star, has just crayoned a million dollar book deal with Doubleday. The book, a novelization about a young singer's Christmas, must be two pages, double-spaced, no more than five hundred words and the thesis must be clearly stated in the first paragraph. For extra credit, Miss Rimes can write an essay entitled "What I Did With My Million Dollar Book Deal."
The Big E 03.14.97
The twenty year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death will be observed in grand style, featuring live tributes, a full symphony orchestra playing his hits and the world's largest Elvis candlelight vigil. Several of the events not being featured include the Robert Goulet Celebrity T.V. Shoot-Out, All You Can Eat Clambake, and the Third Annual Nembutal Swallowing Competition.
And Big E. 03.14.97
The family of slain rapper Notorious B.I.G. is asking that the funeral be held privately and in peace. Kirk Burrowes, president of Bad Boy Entertainment reiterated the wish saying, "There will plenty of time in the coming weeks for you to show your support, your love and your respect for B.I.G." Fans will be expected to show their support, love and respect by purchasing the all-star music video version of the funeral, which will be released next month for $39.95.
Jack Of All Trades 03.17.97
A Los Angeles-based record company is releasing a compact disc of Jack Kevorkian's jazz compositions. Selections also include several jazz covers of such favorites as "Killing Me Softly". Music critics feel that this is further proof that jazz is indeed, dead.
Delhi Cuts 03.17.97
Five Indian farmers in New Delhi have threatened to kill themselves if New Age musician Yanni plays a concert on their land. Sometimes a joke just writes itself.
Olive Branch Releasing Presents 03.18.97
Paramount Pictures announced they are holding back the summer release of their blockbuster disaster epic, "The Flood" stating that they need more time to work on the film. The filmmakers plan to bring in two of every kind of producer to fix the script.
I Concur 03.19.97
New age musician Yanni says he wants his concert at the Taj Mahal to be a "feel good experience" and, in an effort to diffuse the situation with the five protesting Indian farmers, invited them to come in free. They declined, saying they'd rather set themselves on fire.
At Rest In The Fortress of Solitude 03.19.97
Alexander Salkind, the producer who gave the world the "Superman" films, died in Paris at the age of 75. Though reports first listed the cause of death as a stomach ailment, rumors of a glowing green substance found under Salkind's bed remain unconfirmed. In response to the news, a grieving Superman flew around the earth trying to reverse time and bring Salkind back, but, alas, it was too late.
What A Wonderful World 03.19.97
The "Wonderful World of Disney" will be returning to network television on ABC. Inasmuch as Disney already has pretty much exhausted its supply of cartoons, films and cartoon films on its cable channel, the new ABC series will be reality-based. Segments will include up-close and personal pieces on Disney execs, their homes and their cars. Other proposed features are "Studio Cops", in which security guards deal every week with unauthorized persons attempting to enter the building, and "It's A Small World, After All", detailing sweatshop conditions in Asia.
HIStory 03.19.97
Michael Jackson has won a lawsuit brought against him by five former employees who claimed they were fired for co-operating in a child molestation investigation. The jury, composed of six light-skinned black men and six pedophiles, decided that the plaintiffs were clearly trying to "kick him, kike him and that they shouldn't black or white him."
No Longer A Youngman 03.19.97
King of the one-liners Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday today. While trying to blow out the candles on his cake, the comic was heard to say, "Take my life, please."
Breaking The Point 03.19.97
Producers of "Breaking the Surface", the Greg Louganis story, have not allowed any kissing scenes in the film, for fear of turning off viewers. In an effort to avoid turning off people who hate swimming, the Louganis character is now a Russian husband and wife figure skating team and for those uncomfortable with the issues of HIV, the male skater will simply contract a bad cough.
Stern Admonitions 03.20.97
In an effort to promote peace in the rap community, Howard Stern invited rappers to a "summit" on the show. The discussion included such notorious 'gangstas' as Mele-mel, Chubb Rock and Luther Campbell. Things became ugly when Jewel, Melissa Ethridge, and Seal drove by in another studio yelling mild obscenities in a drive-by shouting. Though no peace accord was reached, they managed to agree that "Private Parts" is a good movie, and that they would all like to have sex with lesbians.
Bring Out The Gimp 03.20.97
The Los Angeles Times reported that based on this year's nominations, playing a role with a physical affliction is the surest way for an actor to get a Best Actor nomination. Hopes now run high for Jim Varney's upcoming, "The Stephen Hawking Story ", Andrew Dice Clay's turn as Quasimodo and Pia Zadora's much acclaimed portrayal in the "Helen Keller Story."
The Bluest Skies I’ve Ever Seen 03.20.97
Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth says that on his new TV series, Lawless, he will be doing his own stunts, unlike when he played football. Of television he adds, "This is similar to football, I work all week and get paid on Saturday." It is also similar to football in that the new series is almost as bad as the Seahawks.
All-You-Can-Eat Buffett 03.20.97
Pop singer Jimmy Buffett is suing the owners of the Maui-based restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise", for profiting off his song title. In an effort to stem the tide of others reaping benefits off his efforts, Buffet plans to sue "Wasted Away in Margaritaville" a re-hab clinic for hopeless alcoholics with a weakness for Tequila.
The Women of Forest Lawn 03.21.97
Grace Hefner, the mother of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, died today at the age of 101. Grace was 5'4", 32-45-36, and her interests included writing poetry, romantic candlelight dinners, Tupperware, mah-jongg and breathing.
The Big W. 03.24.97
Reverend W. Awdry, author of the famed Thomas the Tank Engine children's tales, died at the age of 85. I guess he just ran out of steam.
Crammed With Graham 03.25.97
Stedman Graham has a fairly good chance of making Oprah's book list with his motivational entry entitled "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine Step Plan For Success." Step one: Meet Oprah, Step Two: Ask Oprah out, Step Three: Date Oprah, Step Four: Sleep with Oprah, Step Five: Get engaged to Oprah, Step Six:Get Oprah to introduce you to some publishers, Step Seven: Mention Oprah's name when meeting with the publisher, Step Eight: Have Oprah mention the book on TV, Step Nine:Get on Oprah's show.
And On A Blue Note... 03.25.97
Harold Melvin, former leader of the Philadelphia doo-wop group the Blue Notes, died from a stroke at the age of 57. If you don't him by now, you're never never never gonna know him...
Nava Again 03.28.97
Selena director Gregory Nava was criticized by a New York Times critic who felt the film was "too nice", including the fact that Selena's death is not even shown. Nava defended the choice saying, "I wanted to go back to the Greek tragedies. Murder was never shown on stage." Oddly enough, the film closely resembles the little known Greek tragedy Lysistrata Con Much Gusto, the story of an Athenian princess who moves to Mexico to become a pop star and ends up getting her eyes poked out by a jealous fan who also happens to be her mother.
The Sun Ain’t Coming Out 03.31.97
Joanna Pacitti, the 12-year-old who was fired from the Broadway revival of "Annie", sold her story for a TV movie tentatively entitled, "Little Orphaned Annie." Unfortunatly, a week into shooting, Pacitti was replaced.
Because, Because, Because, Because, Because 03.31.97
15-year-old Jessica Grove has been selected to play Dorothy in the Broadway production of "The Wizard of Oz." In the tradition of the original production, the Tin Man will get deathly-ill from the makeup, the Glenda the Good Witch will never work again, and Dorothy will be put on a strict diet of Nembutal.
If It’s Too Loud 03.31.97
An Arizona judge has filed a lawsuit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has had a persistent ringing in his ears alleging it was the loudest concert he ever heard. Not willing to take any more chances with his hearing, the judge has sold off his tickets to Anne Murray, Air Supply and Marcel Marceau.
Turner Classic Loonies 03.31.97
In response to the Heaven's Gate incident, Ted Turner replied that mass suicide is "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." Turner, you may recall, thought that a talking dog could carry a fledgling 24-hours news network, that making black-and-white films look like Monet paintings is a good idea, and that Barbarella would make a docile, corporate wife. Time Warner suggested another good way to get rid of a few nuts: "buy their companies and make them Vice Chairman of yours."
For Sale By Owner’s Proxy 03.31.97
This month, Barbra Streisand's Holmby Hills home will go on the market for a reported $7.5 million. Despite the complaints of neighbors, the facade of the home was never renovated as Barbra felt any cosmetic changes would affect the resonance. The five-bedroom, seven-bath house features soft-lighting, stage fright and James Brolin. Barbra will not show the home herself, but will ask Celine Dion to do it for her.
Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97
Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.
It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97
Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.
The Legend Continues 04.02.97
Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.
Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97
Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.
Good Vibrations 04.03.97
Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."
The Merry Cancers 04.04.97
Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."
One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97
Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined.
Kaddish 04.07.97
Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.
The More Things Change 04.08.97
Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.
What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97
After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.
Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97
This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.
Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97
The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.
Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97
The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time...I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked..."<
Superunknown 04.09.97
Seattle based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.
The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97
Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After trying repeadtedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.
Dustin The Wind 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".
Dustin The Wind 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral, sleazy, money-grubbing shyster."
L is for... 04.09.97
In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"
A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97
The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.
The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97
Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Fla. have canceled the sixteen year old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.
It's A Bird! 04.10.97
Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.
Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97
A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the model maker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.
Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97
The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: the music and the phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.
Stealing Liv 04.13.97
Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went on-line for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.
The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97
British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.
Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97
Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.
Mission Impossible 04.15.97
A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.
They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97
Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for Sushi?"
Modern Times 04.15.97
Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center, the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17 Year Old and Younger Singles Bar.
Man of Steel 04.16.97
Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.
On With The Body Count 04.16.97
Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be gangsta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.
Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97
The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."
Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97
ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."
Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97
In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."
There Are More Records Of 04.15.97
The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free, and then be sold to other states.
Art Imitating Life 04.15.97
After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.
Some People Call Them Fake Tits, I Call Them Augmented 04.16.97
Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade and appeared in the film One False Move and the TV series Evening Shade. In a related story, Billy Bob Thorton is a talented man who will continue to work for a long, long time and Pietra is a stupid cunt whose only talent is having silicone breast implants. Fuck you, whore.
Another False Move 04.16.97
Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.
The Main Event 04.17.97
West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.
The Main Event 2 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.
The Main Event 3 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."
Just Ducky 04.17.97
Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."
Typecasting 101 04.17.97
"Kissed" the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.
Croatan 04.18.97
Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.
In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97
A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.
Brainsmashing 04.18.97
Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.
Gill-ty 04.18.97
Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years , Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.
The Beautiful People 04.18.97
Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.
I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97
The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.
The Unreal World 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.
The Unreal World 2 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.
Kojak City 4.18.97
Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.
Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97
The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.
Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97
Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.
Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97
Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.
You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97
Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".
Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97
The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.
Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97
A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."
Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97
Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?
Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97
Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.
Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97
Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."
Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97
Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?
In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.
The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.
Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.
Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack ahd a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.
And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.
Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97
Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currenlty shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.
Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97
Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead", placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.
The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97
Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.
We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97
The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.
He Ain’t Frugal In All Areas 05.01.97
Five more young men have come forward accusing Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet, of sexually molesting them when they were teenagers. Smith was not available for comment, as he was working on his new cookbooks, "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks in Prison", "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks for the Vienna Boys Choir" and "The Frugal Gourmet's Boy Scout Cookbook."
Coming In America 05.02.97
Eddie Murphy was arrested Friday morning for soliciting an alleged transsexual prostitute. As it turns it, the versatile Murphy was playing both roles, as well as that of the arresting officer, as part of his new film, The Nutless Professor.
Who Will Play Sharon Tate? 05.02.97
Roman Polanski will be directing the musical version of his 1967 film, The Fearless Vampire Killers, entitled Dance of the Vampires. All shows will be childrens' matinees.
Up, Up, And Away 05.02.97
ABC Television has pulled "Lois & Clark: The New Adventure of Superman" from their Saturday night lineup for "re-tooling." New ABC Head of Programming, Lex Luthor, assures viewers that this is only the beginning. "Before I'm through with them, they'll be on Sunday mornings, playing opposite 'Lamp Onto My Feet' They'll rue the day they met me! Hahahahahahahahaha!"
In a related story, Teri Hatcher, star of "Lois & Clark" and the most downloaded celebrity on the Web, is pregnant. While this has prompted a downsurge in hits at alt.celebrities.nude.binary, it has caused an upswing in visits to alt.pregnant.nudecelebs.
The Digital Revolution Will Not Be Televised 05.02.97
Time Warner is canceling its interactive television channel, the Full Service Network, after only two years. Apparently, customers were not impressed with the "full service interactive" options, which included the ability to order a movie on demand. Time Warner is considering revamping the network and re-titling it PAY-PER-VIEW!
Ethics in Broadcasting 05.02.97
Anchor Carol Marin has quit Chicago's WMAQ-TV after the station hired former tabloid talk-show host Jerry Springer to do commentary. Apparently, Marin was excited by the prospect of an opening in daytime TV.
Just Wondering 05.02.97
An estimated 42 million viewers tuned in Wednesday night to watch Ellen come out. According to fag statistics, 4.2 million of them would be gay, which indicates that some 38 million Americans are at least "curious."
Damn Right I Got The Blues 05.02.97
The Blues Foundation handed out the 18th Annual WC Handy Awards Thursday night in Memphis to those individuals who have kept the blues alive. Unfortunately, none of the nominees showed up as they were too depressed, melancholy and downtrodden to attend.
A Sort of Homecoming 05.02.97
The righteously-indignant Irish rock band U2 is laying tracks for its first new album in four years. In an effort to further alienate any fans of the band’s earlier music, the new album plans to cash in on the techno-dance sound. While the beats will be phat, Bono still plans to run his trap about social concerns he’s only half-aware of. Furthermore, REM and Sinead O’Connor are irritating, too, and, even though he hasn’t said a goddamned thing about trees or peace, Seal can go fuck himself.
I’m An Asshole 05.02.97
With the success of his Apostle Pictures, actor-comic Denis Leary can now add “producer” to his hyphenated title. And while he’s at it, he can take the “actor” and “comic” parts off.
Have A Nice Day 05.16.97
Sadly, comedian George Carlin’s wife and manager Brenda Carlin died this week. D’you ever notice you don’t seem to get laid much at a funeral?
Abracadaver 05.18.97
Sadly, magician Harry Blackstone died of cancer this week at the age of 62. Mourners at his funeral were shocked and outraged when they discovered that the casket was missing, but delighted when the priest snapped his fingers three times, said the magic word, and pulled the coffin from behind the widow’s ear.
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