Scientists examining the Halle-Bopp comet have discovered it contains chemicals that make up the beginnings of life. In addition to methanol, carbon monoxide and hydrogen sulfide, they also found large quantities of phenbarbitol, vodka and chocolate pudding.
Section D 04.01.97
Nancy Woodhull, a founding editor of USA Today died of lung caner at the age of 51. In honor of her death, the newspaper will headline her obituary with a color pie chart detailing the gradual degeneration of her health.
Borderline 04.01.97
A new bill, designed to halt illegal immigration by beefing up the number of border patrol agents and tightening security, has passed. In addition, a line item calls for blowing up the Statue of Liberty and wiping your ass with the Declaration of Independence.
Keep Coming Back 04.01.97
U.S. diplomat Dennis Ross reported to the President Clinton that the situation in the Middle East is "sober." Evidently the process had been seen a few days ago, staggering out of a bar in Haifa, drunk, on the arm of two Palestinian women, but Ross apparently staged an intervention with the Process and got it to admit it had a problem, which is the first step. Though the peace process is attending a 12 step meeting in Jerusalem, it is still a bit shaky and has to take it One War at a Time. However, it has promised it will only drink grape juice at Passover next month.
It Was Just A Joke! 04.02.97
As an April Fool's joke, Bill Clinton hobbled into the White House saying that spokesman Mike McCurry fell and injured his knee and was being replaced, repeating the exact remarks McCurry made when the President took his fall. Vice President Al Gore then brought the house down, coming in as Vince Foster, clutching a blood bag to his chest, and shouting "Et tu Brute! which were the exact words Foster said when he took his fall.
He's Not Just A Telescope 04.02.97
According to White House sources, President Clinton had senior officials find work for his friend, former associate attorney general Webster Hubbell. Allegedly the positions included the President's Special Advisor on Friendship, Executive in Charge of Being Clinton's Friend, and the Friend General of the United States.
But Not The Shortest 04.07.97
The space shuttle Columbia returns today on one of the shortest shuttle missions ever, due to reports of a faulty power generator. The seven member crew was upset, as the return means they will not be able to complete the battery of experiments including, how ants respond to zero-gravity, how cream donuts respond to zero-gravity and making asinine grainy black-and-white home videos that serve absolutely no purpose, beamed back home to be used on computer commercials, and how that responds to zero gravity.
The Final Frontier 04.09.97
As the power-weakened space shuttle Columbia returns to Earth, the crew has been forced to use flashlights to work in the dark. Taking advantage of the situation, senior flight members started telling ghost stories, while holding the lights menacingly under their chins. The festivities came to an end, however, when junior members suggested they take off their clothes and have a make out party and were told to go back to work.
The Last of The Deep Space Probes 04.09.97
NASA is considering sending the shuttle Columbia back up as soon as July 2nd to make up for having come home early. NASA representatives proudly announced that this is only the third time a shuttle has returned prematurely due to a mechanical malfunction. Added one official, "Unless of course you count the one that blew up, but I guess that one didn't exactly make it back."
Not All Present And Accounted For 04.09.97
According to the General Accounting Office, the IRS has security weaknesses, inadequate monitoring, and thousands of missing data files. Insiders speculate that this new information will have absolutely no effect on the millions of lemming-like taxpayers who will continue to pull their hair out from now until midnight April 15 as they proceed to pay up to two-fifths of their income to a rogue government agency originally set up to temporarily aid a war effort long since over. In a related story, please don't audit me, please, please.
Business As Usual 04.09.97
UN Secretary General Khoufi Anan said he plans to reform the Human Rights' Office of the United Nations in an effort to make it a more effective world body. Critics claimed that Anan's comments were vague and noncommittal, as there were no specific plans for reform. Anan responded to the charges by saying he wouldn't be naming a new Human Rights' Chief, but he would be encouraging thousands of college kids to write letters on behalf of prisoners of conscience everywhere, and, if that doesn't work, he'll enlist Peter Gabriel to write a song.
Numbers Don’t Lie, Kid 04.09.97
A new census indicates that one in every ten persons living in the US is foreign born. According to Act Up, one in every ten persons is gay. One in every ten dentists recommends Trident for patients who chew gum. This has prompted the Republican-led Congress to call for the deportation of over 24 million gay dentists.
Vote Aqui 04.09.97
According to Los Angeles Republican fat cats who've lined their wallets with the blood of South Central, encumbent and decent fellow Dick Riordan beat former Yippie radical, ex-husband of Jane Fonda, and mass murderer Tom Hayden in a landslide victory. The Republicans said, "I think this sends a pretty strong statement to the poor."
62.6% of 14% of the voters of Los Angeles re-elected Dick Riordan in a landslide? which means the same amount of people who showed up to last Sunday's Galaxie soccer game voted. 33.3% of 14% of the voters of Los Angeles, or the same number of people who attended the opening of Star Wars at the Chinese Theatre, didn't manage to elect former Yippie radical Tom Hayden, and 1.4% of 14%, or my AA meeting, voted for either Candido J. Marez, Leonard Shapiro, or Craig A. Honts.
The Truth Is Out There 04.09.97
Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. Coincidentally, 39 devotees of a doomsday cult that believes a solar flare will disrupt the Earth's magnetic field just long enough to allow them to teleport to the mothership waiting on the Dark Side of the Moon smashed their balls with a hammer and ate cyanide-laced flan.
The Truth Is Out There 2 04.09.97
Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. People with cable TV will then be forced to wait a few hours to find out if Ellen is gay and Internet users will be stymied over if the twelve-year-old they are talking to is m or f and if they like to party. Scientists are now trying to devise a way to make it last more than a few hours.
The Truth Is Out There 3 04.09.97
Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. TV-oriented religious cults speculate that Ra, the Sun God, is irritated over the US government's decision to give billions of dollars worth of free channels to the nation's stations for Digital Broadcasting, annoyed at the V-Chip, and highly upset that not every cable channel carries WGN.
The Truth Is Out There 4 04.09.97
Scientists are speculating a solar storm will bombard the Earth's magnetic field, temporarily disrupting communications and power on the planet. Millions of people have killed themselves the world over, not because this is a sign of the coming apocalypse, but because they won't be able to watch TV.
The Truth Is Out There 5 04.09.97
As a result of a solar-storm striking the Earth's magnetic field, scientists are speculating that communications will be temporarily interupted. This is not really bad news as no one really needs to hear the screams of millions of Earthlings being burned to death, or the laughter of a certain 39 cultists riding the tail of a comet saying "I told you so" from space.
I’ll Have A McVeigh, A Side of Fries, And A Coke, And Could You Supersize That? 04.09.97
A letter written by Timothy McVeigh accused the FBI of burning young children alive at the Waco Branch Davidian compound. The FBI was incensed at the indictment, re-iterating that it wasn't them, it was the ATF.
Oh Canada 04.09.97
Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien, or as his name means in English, "Jack the Cretin" and President Clinton disagreed on the best way to encourage democracy in Cuba. They both agreed, however, that they look forward to the return of democracy to Cuba, living wages, fat cigars and live sex shows.
Your Money Working For You 04.09.97
Bill and Hillary Clinton hosted an 120 person dinner for Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien that included salmon cured in maple sugar, raspberry truffles, and maple leaf sugar cookies. Your tax dollars at work.
Elephantitis 04.09.97
Budget talks resume today as the White House and Congress continue negotiations after the President offered to cut Medicare by $100 billion over the next five years. Republican Party leaders were elated because now they've finally found a suitable candidate for the race in 2000, and he's got experience.
If The Glove Fits 04.10.97
Bob Dole has just joined the Washington law firm Verner, Liipfert, Bernhard, McPherson and Hand, one of the largest and most prestigous in the city. In honor of his appointment, the firm has changed its name to Verner, Liipfert, Bernhard, McPherson and Unusable Left Hand.
A Lot Of Fine Ladies In The House...And In The Senate 04.11.97
President Clinton opened a Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner with a ten minute monologue of bad jokes including a reference to CNN's latest slogan in honor of the President's fall, "Breaking news, breaking legs." Clinton further regaled the crowd with jokes like, "I said duck Paula" and "The thing about Chinese campaign contributors is that a half hour later, you want more money!"
Word Up, Old Man! 04.10.97
An 89-year-old man in Queens was held for a month by crack dealers who took over his home. Suspicions were finally aroused when the man replaced his usual Bridge partner with a 6 foot 5, tattoo-ridden, 19 year old Latino named Julio and he bid on his final trump in grams.
Environmental Terrorists 04.13.97
The Department of the Interior is opposing a Republican bill to waive conservation rules in all flood control projects. Republicans were disheartened that they would be unable to enact such flood relief programs as damming woodland areas with strip-malls, allowing hunters to kill indiscriminately in case they come upon a wild flood, and giving the wealthy a tax-break as a flood control incentive.
Tall Tales 04.13.97
Hilary Clinton claims that accusations of the White House paying hush money to former Justice Department official Webster Hubbell were as ridiculous as the Heaven's Gate cult's belief that a UFO was following the Hale-Bopp comet. She added that it is also as ridiculous as a cold war enemy making contributions to an American political party, a Southern governor strong-arming Highway Patrolmen to get him chicks, Vince Foster committing suicide, and Al Gore becoming President in 2000. This just in: a UFO was discovered following closely behind comet Hale-Bopp.
Riddup, Ole' Mate 04.13.97
Scientists in London, England, have used a giant magnetic field to make a frog levitate in mid-air. Though scientists claim this discovery will not help cure AIDS or cancer, show a levitating frog to an AIDS or cancer patient and they’ll laugh, and, hey, isn’t laughter the best medicine?
All In The Name of Science 04.14.97
Researchers in England claim they have located a brain abnormality that may be the cause of anorexia nervosa. However, scientists have postponed research indefinetly, as they are still having too much fun levitating frogs.
Guard, Give Me The President! 04.14.97
James MacDougal received three years in prison and three years probation for fraud and conspiracy. In addition, he was sentenced to one year of house arrest to be served concurrently with his three year probation. His estranged wife is serving a one year sentence for contempt of court. Vince Foster is dead. If James MacDougal winds up a "suicide", how many sentences total will actually be served?
Not So Funny Money 04.14.97
Police in Bay City, Michigan have traced a series of counterfeit $10 bills to a 15-year-old boy who manufactured the money on his computer. In his defense, the young man explained that his father told him to stop playing games and put the computer to use on something that would make him money. Authorities got suspicious when a flood of bills with the face of Beavis were being circulated around town.
All The World 04.14.97
Newt Gingrich said if Janet Reno does not appoint an independent counsel to investigate Democratic campaign fund-raising improprieties, Congress may investigate her role in the scandal. According to the breakdowns, The Scandal, a non-union feature, is seeking an actress to fill the role of Janet Reno: female, late 50's-early 60's, helmet-haired Aunt Bea/Sandra Day O'Connor-type who wears business suits and black jackboots. Copy, credit, meals provided. There is some pay.
Ol’ MacDougal Had A Friend 04.14.97
James MacDougal received three years in prison and three years probation for fraud and conspiracy. In a related story, Bill Clinton received four more years for fraud and conspiracy.
Steve Forbes, Where Are You? 04.14.97
Due to the high income earned by the President and First Lady this year, they will be paying $200 thousand in taxes. They would have paid less, but unfortunately they could not write off the Lincoln bedroom as an entertainment expense.
Sticks And Stones 04.14.97
In the midst of the furor over Janet Reno's lack of cooperation, House Speaker Newt Gingrich compared her to former jailed Watergate Attorney General John Mitchell. Evidently, he meant it as a compliment, having seen classified photos of Mitchell in a cocktail dress. Coincidentally, John Mitchell once compared Gingrich to former Speaker of the House Tip O'Neill, which Gingrich took as a compliment, until he realized Mitchell simply meant that they were both fat.
Resign Reno 04.15.97
Responding to Janet Reno's decision not to set up an independent council to investigate the Democrat's fund-raising tactics, Dick Armey called for her resignation. Although Reno is unlikely to resign, she may be willing to set up an independent council to investigate the possibility of resigning.
Fifth Inning Stretch 04.15.97
After the fifth inning of today's Mets/Dodgers game, President Clinton praised Jackie Robinson who fifty years ago broke the color barrier. Joined by Robinson's widow, Chuck Yaeger and John Glenn, and as the Air Force's Blue Angels performed overhead, the President spoke highly of Robinson's courageous efforts in aeronautics, until he was informed that the color barrier and the sound barrier are two separate things, to which the president replied, "Whoops!".
The Million Man Apology 04.15.97
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan plans to lead an interfaith, anti-racism rally in Philadelphia. He told "Meet the Press" on Sunday, "We should not act like little boys going to Jewish philanthropists and asking for money." The remark has elicited numerous angry responses not only from Jewish leaders, but also from African Americans for being characterized as "boys", Gentile philanthropists for being excluded and a spokesman for NAMBLA objected to the pharse "little boys" being used for such an obviously political purpose.
Kajagoogoo 04.16.97
In South Africa, Nelson Mandela is to meet with Zaire's Laurent Kabila, who is trying to oust President Mobutu. Kabila has announced his plans next to take the capital of Kinshasha. If Kabila takes Kinshasha before Kabila meets Mobutu, then a pow-wow with Mandela will be poo-pooed by the Bantus.
Burn, Baby, Burn, Disco Inferno 04.16.97
Twelve people were killed in an arson attack in the Portuguese disco named "My Fault." Owners of the club maintain that the fire was not their fault.
Everybody Chi Wang Tonight 04.16.97
House investigators mistakenly supoeaned the bank records of Chi Wang, a Georgetown University professor, when the man they wanted was Chi Ruan Wang, who lives in a Buddhist temple that Al Gore visited in California. Though they had the wrong Wang, they still discovered that he too made a $200 million dollar donation to the Democrats.
How Do You Sperr Lelief? 04.16.97
In an effort to aid famine-stricken North Korea, the U.S. will be sending the country $15 million in corn. The government of Seoul was thrilled, until they realized they had misinterpreted the letter, thinking they were getting $15 million in porn.
How Do You Sperr Lelief 2 04.16.97
In an effort to aid famine-stricken North Korea, the U.S. will be sending the country $15 million in corn. In addition, Canada will be sending $15 million dollars worth of lima beans. The Koreans plan to make $30 million in succotash to get into the Guiness Book of World Records and maybe on a few talk shows.
Linda Blair Could Not Be Reached For Comment 04.18.97
Two Korean Pentecostal ministers in Malibu were found guilty of involuntary manslaughter, but not murder, in the beating death of one of the minister's wives, claiming they were merely trying to exorcise a demon possessing the woman. Using this case and a recent case of drowning by baptism as precedent, the defense will next tackle a trial in North Carolina wherein parishioners took the body and blood of Christ a little too literally and ate their pastor.
Liverwurst Than Ever 04.21.97
Officials want James Earl Ray to undergo a liver transplant so he can live long enough for his re-trial in the assassination of Martin Luther King, Jr. If found guilty, they plan to rip the new liver out of his body and keep it on ice until Sirhan-Sirhan needs it.
Nice Display 04.21.97
Russia has ordered the highly successful Romanoff Jewels Tour, which is displaying over $100 million in valuables, back to Moscow. A high ranking official in Moscow claims the country does not feel comfortable showing off its family jewels.
Waters Parting 04.21.97
Congressional Black Caucus leader Maxine Waters has called for American blacks to reject African dictatorships and their US supporters. Protests immediately began against the Wayans Brothers, Death Row Records and Don King, until Waters clarified that what she meant was Zaire, Nigeria and Don King.
Ferguson On Board 04.21.97
President Clinton plans to name consultant Roger Ferguson to the Federal Reserve Board, assuming he passes background checks. The checks will include his ability to make high-powered financial decisions wearing non-pleated, charcoal-gray slacks, log in the amount of single women he can bore to death in one evening and efficiently decide the fate of the nation's economy by telling Dilbert jokes.
A Drink With Jam and Bread 04.21.97
Astronomers have spotted a third tail on the Hale-Bopp comet. The third tail is rumored to be either those members of the Heaven's Gate cult who decided to fly coach, Rio DeAngelis yelling "Hey guys, wait up!" or millions of particles of ice and hydrogen
Give Me Libertea 04.21.97
Over 1000 Indians stopped traffic on the New York thruway, protesting state sales tax policies. As it turns it, they were merely white tax protestors with several crates of tea who got lost on their way to Boston.
Blessed Are The Peacemakers 04.21.97
In the spirit of Christian brotherhood, hundreds of volunteers from as far as New England congregated at the former site of Rosemary Baptist Church in Barnswell, South Carolina to begin rebuilding the 144-year-old structure destroyed last year by arson. Hundreds of members of the Christian Brotherhood, from as far away as Idaho, bearing Molotov cocktails, 5 gallon drums of gasoline, and a truckload of Blue Tip matches, showed up to cheer them on.
Right Next To Mother’s Day 04.21.97
The Anti-Defamation League is supporting legislation designating April 30th as National Day to Erase Hate and Eliminate Racism. Greeting card companies are already gearing up with cards like My black son-in-law/ Blood is thicker than water/Today, I won’t kill you/ Because you married my daughter and Roses are Red/ Violets are Blue/ I won’t hate you this day/ Because You’re a Jew.
You Got To Kill Yourself To Get On A Comet These Days 04.21.97
Peruvian security forces wearing ski masks and fatigues charged the Japanese embassy to liberate the 72 hostages being held by the Tupac Amaru rebels. As they stormed the ambassador's residence, the soldiers were surprised to find Ikea bunkbeds, packed suitcases, 72 pairs of Nikes, an ice chest full of Jell-O Brand Pudding Pops and Mott's Applesauce, a medicine cabinet filled with empty pill bottles of Phenobarbital and a wet bar stocked only with Stoli, but no hostages. The Peruvian officials were stymied until they discovered the hostages' website, and realized they had already been "liberated." President Fujimori refuses to negotiate with interplanetary terrorists Do and Ti and plans to wait until Hale-Bopp returns before making a decision as to what to do.
Ro Sham Bo 04.21.97
Peruvian security forces wearing ski masks and fatigues charged the Japanese embassy and liberated 60 of the 72 hostages being held by the Tupac Amaru guerillas. Though authorities are not revealing how the 60 were chosen, one soldier was heard to comment that it was the most intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors he had ever seen.
We Bombed In Oklahoma 04.24.97
Opening statements began today in the trial of accused Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, with the prosecution claiming that McVeigh thought the blast would trigger a second American Revolution. Indeed, the bombing started the revolutionary process; however, things broke down when the Michigan Militia and the Aryan Brotherhood for a Racially Pure Idaho could not decide on the colors of the new flag, and army buddy Michael Fortier wanted the national bird to be a turkey. In McVeigh's defense, Terry Nichols said, "Tim was a real visionary. All I wanted to do was dump tea in the Oklahoma River." McVeigh himself was heard on many occasions to cite Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death...168 deaths, to be precise."
A Raw New Deal 04.24.97
Due to protest from handicapped Americans, President Clinton wants a new monument to FDR to now show the president in his wheelchair. This has kicked off legislation to show all American Presidents with their respective handicaps by refurbishing District of Columbia memorials. The Washington Monument will now be ravaged with syphilis, the Jefferson Memorial will be decorated with chronic debilitating diarrhea, the Lincoln Memorial will feature a gaping exit wound in the front of his skull, and Ronald Reagan will remain unchanged.
Better Late Than Never 04.25.97
Paleontologists have unearthed the bones of a prehistoric chicken-like creature in a cave in northern China which has been described as "the earliest bird in the world." They were equally surprised to discover the prehistoric skeleton of a worm right next to it.
Fargo 2 04.25.97
A worker cutting down trees in Virginia was dragged into a wood chipper and chopped to death while trying to remove a maple tree. Officials discovered that the man's name was Chuck, and are now asking forensics experts, "How much wood would Chuck be able to cut if a wood chipper hadn't chopped Chuck?"
His Father Would Not Be So Proud 04.25.97
Michael Kennedy, son of the late Robert F. Kennedy, is under investigation for having an affair with his 14-year-old baby-sitter. The District Attorney's office is shocked at the allegation that a Kennedy could be involved in a sex scandal. Kennedy was rumored to proposition the young girl on the bridge ride home by saying she should ask not what he could do for his baby-sitter, but rather, ask what his baby-sitter could do for him.
Moses Was Not Available For Comment 04.28.97
As famine takes over North Korea, peasants are being forced to delay burials of their loved ones, for fear of cannibalism. The Red Cross, responding to the crisis, have appealed to Americans to go to North Korea and volunteer to be eaten.
Remember Wackos 04.30.97
Talks between Sheriffs and the Republic of Texas militia has ended in a stalemate after self-appointed "Ambassador" Richard McLaren called off talks. McLaren will be meeting with the rest of his "Republic" in their dilapidated shack. The Secretary of the Old Buick Up On Blocks in The Front Yard, the Minister of Dogeared Copies of Soldier of Fortune, and the Undersecretary of the Hanging Corpses of Raccoons, Beavers and Groundhogs Being Stretched For Jerky In Preparation for Armeggedon will gather in the Oval Enclosed Backporch to discuss what to do in case of attack, or in case they run out of canned cling peaches in heavy syrup, whichever comes first.
A Thousand Pointilism of Light 04.30.97
Several key Senate Republicans have announced they will support the National Endowment for the Arts, in spite of efforts by conservative Republicans' to kill the program. Senators Jim Jefford and John Warner were among those won over with the upcoming photo exhibit, "Robert Mapplethorpe's Stockbroker With Bullwhip in Ass", the novel, "Naked Lunch, Yes! School Lunch, No!", and the musical,"My Welfare Lady", wherein Higgins teaches Eliza to pull herself up by her own bootstraps, get off the crack and stop having babies.
An Ignoble Prize 04.30.97
A Nobel Prize winning scientist was sentenced to 18 months in jail for sexually abusing a 15-year-old boy. Coincidentally, this is what he won the Nobel Prize for.
An Ignoble Prize 2 04.30.97
A Nobel Prize winning scientist was sentenced to 18 months in jail for sexually abusing a 15 year old boy, one of 56 he brought back from the Pacific islands in an effort to, in his words, "educate them." Still dedicated to his work, the scientist looks forward to the education he will be receiving in prison.
Deluged With Generosity 04.30.97
An anonymous donor touched by the plight of the flooding in North Dakota, has issued $300 thousand worth of $2,000 US Savings Bonds to victims currently billeted in an Air Force hangar. The victims were grateful for the gesture and will look forward to living with each other in an Air Force hangar for the next eighteen years waiting for the bonds to mature.
Deluged With Generosity 2 04.30.97
An anonymous donor touched by the plight of the flooding in North Dakota, has issued $300 thousand worth of $2,000 to victims currently billeted in an Air Force hangar. The victims were grateful for the gesture and once the government takes out the taxes, will look forward to the much-needed $135.00.
An Olive Branch 04.30.97
A caravan of 200 government-subsidized mobile homes are currently en route to the flood drenched Red River valley with plans to arrive in Minnesota by the weekend, just in time to be destroyed by tornadoes.
Moo Poop 04.01.97
A report from the University of Nebraska confirms that cattle that eat a diet of balanced protein will have less-odorous gas, which will help reduce global warming. Representatives of the automotive industry plan to relax restrictive emissions controls, overjoyed that the cause of environmental decay is due to cow farting.
Dingleberries 04.03.97
Fruit packer Andrew & Williamson admits they purchased the tainted strawberries that caused the outbreak of Hepatitis A, from growers in Mexico. In their defense, representatives assumed that the fecal matter the berries were packed in was USDA approved.
William Paley Could Not Be Reached For Comment 04.04.97
The National Association of Broadcasters is meeting in Las Vegas this week to discuss the exciting possibilities in the field of mass media. Scheduled seminars are set to include Baywatch As A Global Teaching Tool,Tony Robbins and Ron Popeil: Madmen Or Messiahs? and How To Charge Monthly Rates To People Who Receive Transmissions Through Their Fillings And Metal Plates In Their Heads.
Give Your Motherboard A Call 04.04.97
Microsoft is now advertising its upgrade for Hebrew Windows `95 for Hebrew-based PCs. In addition to including such features as Norton My Son The Disc Doctor, and the Global Kibbutz Internet browser, the system also features an instructional program that engages the viewer in an endless nit-picking dialogue on all the functions. One note; it cannot be used from sundown Friday to Sundown Saturday, unless the subprogram GoLEM NT is employed.
Marrying Money 04.07.97
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan married NBC chief foreign correspondent Andrea Mitchell this weekend in has been deemed Washington's wedding of the year. The glittering event was marred by the fact that stocks in canneries across the country plummeted when Greenspan passed on the salmon canapés, but shares in Colombian coffee soared when he had a second cup after cutting the cake.
Justice Is Blind And Has Emphysema 04.07.97
Jury selection begins in the lawsuit involving R.J. Reynolds tobacco and the family of a woman who died from lung cancer. Lawyers representing the company feel confident that their selections, four talking camels, four cowboys and four slim young women from Virginia will be completely impartial.
What Do You Want To Watch Today? 04.07.97
Microsoft is buying WebTV for $425 million, giving the software giant access to 58% of the populace who own televisions, but not computers. The merger, in addition to providing Internet access to virtually everyone, will effectively make the way we watch television obsolete. It will now be too confusing, complicated and expensive to watch TV and people will go back to having conversations. In a related story, Microsoft has announced a $425 million dollar purchase of speech.
Anglo-American Studies 04.07.97
The University of California at Berkeley will be hosting its first ever The Making and Unmaking of Whiteness, a three day seminar focusing on the White race as a color. Seminars are set to include, Egg Salad, Potato Salad, Macaroni Salad: Mayonnaise, the Vanishing Condiment, Importing Blacks From Africa For Fun & Profit, or Whoops!, The On Beat: Where To Clap, How To Clap, From Foot Clogging to Goose Stepping, Barbecue Aprons, Our Indigenous Clothing and Snow Skiing, the Last Great Frontier.
Fetch Fido...Fido? 04.07.97
A funeral home in New York is now the first in the city that provides citizens with full mortuary service for their pets, with prices ranging from $300 to $1500. For $1,500, pets will be placed in a silk-lined casket complete with Easy-Viewing Doggy Door; for $750, the casket is newspaper-lined and is stocked with plastic water dish and toys; and for $300, the pet gets either stuffed in a shoebox and buried in the back yard or flushed down the toilet.
I’m Twelve! 04.09.97
In a bloodless acquisition, Proctor & Gamble soaked up Tambrands, makers of Tampax. Insiders are calling it a padded takeover that will allow business to flow freely as usual. Initially the bid was hostile, but Proctor & Gamble said it was just that time of the month, period.
Que Cars 04.09.97
Chrysler will unveil $1 billion in investments in Detroit-area plants. These investments include plant renovation, hiring new personnel, and moving to Mexico.
Swishtar 04.09.97
Nike, Inc. agreed to change its new logo on athletic shoes after receiving complaints from American Islamic groups that the logo too closely resembled the Arabic word for "Allah". Nike also agreed to change the heel design, as it apparently looked somewhat like a mosque, phase out the waffle design on the sole, because when the light hits it, they claimed they could see the face of Salman Rushdie, and eliminate all shoelaces, as they can be formed accidentally into shapes resembling naughty Arabic phrases. The groups were also offended by the use of Michael Jordan's likeness because he too closely resembles God.
Jumping Out of Windows '97 04.09.97
In an effort to compete with Reuters and Bloomberg, Dow Jones has partnered with Microsoft to design a package of services that will bring financial data and electronic trading into new markets. The software, which functions as a virtual stock broker, will arbitrarily recommend stocks based on whim and numerology and will electronically pay other programs in your computer to take its broker's exam for it.
If The Suit Fits 04.09.97
A 75-year-old woman lost her suit against General Motors, claiming the company is responsible for an airbag (made for a larger person) breaking her jaw. Oddly enough, a boxer who got his jaw broken in a middleweight bout sued the Everlast glove company and won $100, 000. And 12-year-old Brucie Ryan in Grand Rapids Michigan sued a candy company for $50,000.00 when the Jaw Breaker he bit into, did not break his jaw.
Hog Butcher To The Netherworld 04.10.97
Charles Hayes, a former Chicago stockyard union official and meat packing lobbyist died today at the age of 79. Following the service, Hayes will be ceremoniously shoved through a meat grinder, packed into a sausage casing and served at the reception
Oysters On The Bomb Shell 04.10.97
The Oyster Creek Nuclear Generating Station, one of the country's oldest power plants, has become too costly to operate and therefore is to be sold. Possible new functions of the plant may include Ultra-fast Tanning Centers, Oppenheimer's Very Fast Food Microwave Restaurant and Gamma Rae's Weight Loss Center.
Happy Days Are Here Again 04.11.97
A former executive with Bennett Funding Group has been charged in a criminal suit for operating one of the largest Ponzi schemes in history. A Ponzi scheme involves a motorcycle jacket-clad investment advisor that comes to your home and moves into your attic. The scheme used the slogan "Need to Save Your Money? Sit on It!" and offers such incentives as "Whoooa, Mutual Funds" and the "Aaaaaaaaay! and B Stocks."
I Know Nuthink! 04.11.97
Swiss bankers have continued to receive hate mail amidst accusations that they acted in the interests of Nazis as they siphoned off Jewish assets. Banking officials still deny the allegations of complicity, saying, "We were just filling orders!"
Those Pasties Are Not Regulation 04.13.97
The strippers of the Lusty Lady strip club in San Francisco, the only unionized nude dancers in the country, have ratified their first union contract. Proceedings nearly ground to a halt as a threatened walk-out brought in a team of strikebreaking mud wrestlers. In addition to the 10% salary increase, the dancers can claim ping pong balls, bananas and fire poles as tax deductible.
Finger Lickin' Smokes 04.14.97
Philip Morris and three other tobacco companies claim that a Massachusetts law requiring them to disclose the contents of their cigarettes would cost them $44 billion, claiming they would be giving away "valuable trade-secrets." Regardless, manufacturers relented, and the Massachusetts state government was pleased with the disclosure of eleven herbs and spices, although one state representative was heard to say, "Hey, these cigarettes taste like chicken."
That Marinara's Benign 04.14.97
The American Cancer Institute claims that pasta and tomato sauce can prevent cancer. A group of laboratory rats fed a diet of pasta were less likely to get intestinal tumors. The news of the discovery delighted owners of small rat-infested Italian restaurants, who now can claim they are merely conducting cancer research. However, as a side effect, the rats tested were more likely to start talking with their hands, playing Bocci ball and demanding protection cheese from other rodents.
E3...You Sunk My Battleship! 04.15.97
Atlanta will host the E3 annucal interactive trade show on June 20, which provides software companies the chance to discuss the most pressing views facing the interactive industry. Seminars are to include How Can A Multi-Millionaire Get Chicks and Not Surrender His Pocket Protector, Getting Downloaded: Alcoholism and the Internet and a screening of the first on-line Existential play, Waiting for AOL.
Why Is This Price Different From All Other Prices? 04.15.97
Lawmakers in South Florida are investigating allegations of price-fixing on matzo at Passover time, with prices as high as $12.99 for a 5-pound box. Distributors and manufacturers are claiming that they are breaking no laws, however, further investigation has revealed price increases in Blood-Of-A-Lamb-In-A-Can, Stanley Kaplan's Acing The Four Questions Study Guide, and Elijah Welcoming Mats.
Four Out Of Five Pilots Recommend 04.16.97
A helicopter owned by the Colgate-Palmolive Company crashed in New York's east river shortly after take off. Officials report there was one death, three injuries and no cavities.
Four Out Of Five Java Coders Recommend 04.16.97
According to the American Medical Association, patients should only seek medical advice from doctors and not the Internet. Also according to the American Medical Association, their membership consists entirely of doctors and not webmasters.
The Unkindest Cut 04.18.97
The former CEO of Supercuts has been indicted for insider trading. David Lipson released confidential information that the company would be licensing feathered bangs, ten minute perms and their patented, non-English speaking cosmotologists who think that "a little off the top" means "Hey, the Butterwhip is coming back in vogue."
Farm on the Freeway 04.21.97
7,000 farmers converged in Luxembourg to protest a European Unions farm ministers' meeting wearing yellow balloons and caps and waving yellow flags. Though their pleas fell on deaf ears, the entire group was offered employment working for the Ministry of Highway Construction.
Lite Blight 04.21.97
The Environmental Protection Agency has fined Hasbro $120,000 and ordered them to retract claims that a line of their toys is bacteria-free. Although treated with Microban, an antibacterial agent that bonds with polymers, Hasbro is recalling the toys Barb-E.coli, Strep Boat, Infect Me Elmo, and the book, "Everybody Poops, But Some People Roll Around In It And Get Hepatitis.”
Mercedes Benz But Time Don’t 04.21.97
Swatch and Mercedes have teamed up to start manufacturing the Swatchmobile, a two-seater that comes with different colored body panels that allow drivers to change the shape and shade of the car. Consumers are complaining that they can't figure out how to stop the beeping every hour , on the hour, that the car is either five miles too fast or too slow, and that once the battery runs out, you have to throw the car away.
Smoke Gets In Your Lies 04.21.97
Executives from Philip Morris, RJ Reynolds, Brown & Williamson, and Lorillard Tobacco, all of whom have had smoking-related illnesses, gave depositions, under oath, that death cannot not be definitely linked to tobacco. According to one deposition, "Cigarettes don't kill people, smoking cigarettes kills people. It's that fine line and you've got to know how to toe it." He then hacked up a blob of black mucus and blood, and his private nurses wheeled him and his respirator out of the courtroom.
Allah Be Back 04.24.97
Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed Bin Talai has formed an alliance with Planet Hollywood Inc. to open 34 restaurants in 23 countries. The restaurants will only stock memorabilia from Lawrence of Arabia, The English Patient and Ishtar . The waitresses will wear short-shorts, t-shirts and veils and will have to walk at least 10 feet behind all male customers. Dishes will feature Camel Burgers, Yasser Arafat-Free Shakes and Sand Sandwiches.
Hospital Food 04.24.97
A hospital worker's union in Queens is protesting the decision to contract out the employee cafeteria to McDonald's, claiming that the food is fatty and filled with cholestoral. When they realized in retrospect that this would be good for business, they changed their ruling and also requested the hospital talk to fast food chains Beef and Brew, Franks n' Cream and Mr. Liver.
The Russia Syndrome 04.25.97
This weekend marks the 11th anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear accident and a huge celebration is being planned for the victims and their families. In addition to a microwave food festival and the Plutonium Rod and Radioactive Coolant Swap Meet, Gorby the Clown will be on hand to fold three-headed balloon animals for the kiddies.
Sex and the Single Hooker 04.25.97
Famous women's magazine Cosmopolitan has just announced it is launching a Philippines edition. Editor Helen Gurley Brown is thrilled that the first edition will feature Latest Fashions for Mail-Order Bridal Gowns, and in an effort to revive the male pin-ups no longer being used in America, the magazine will also feature Naked Government Assassin of the Month.
Meanwhile, Back at the Water Cooler 04.29.97
Subject to the approval of the bankruptcy courts and the respective boards, Marvel Entertainment Group will be sold to Toy Biz Inc. However, mild-mannered Ron Perelman, in his alter ego President of Revlon Man, has revealed a secret plan to save the Marvel Universe from the forces of insolvency. Aided by his trusty sidekicks Yes Man and Super Model, and armed with the Admantium Coffers and the Mighty Warhammer, Downsizer, entrusted him by the Elders of Shareholding and Overseen by the Secret Accounting Brotherhood of Price Waterhouse, he will fight for accountability, marketability, and profitability.
Mercedes Rules 04.29.97
Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. Rich old white men were ecstatic as now they finally have something to do with that one idle hand previously earmarked for steering.
Mercedes Rules 2 04.29.97
Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. Drivers were excited that they can now download and play 3D simulated driving games that approximate the thrill of actually driving while they're driving.
Mercedes Rules 3 04.29.97
Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet. New Yorkers were thrilled at the prospect of replacing the time-consuming honk and birdie flipping with rude, electronic instant messages to other drivers,
Mercedes Rules 4 04.29.97
Mercedes-Benz has announced a Mercedes E420, which will allow drivers and passengers access to the Internet, and provide all the amenities of a digital office in the comfort of your car. For middle management, Mercedes will be releasing a cheaper model that includes a water cooler, separate cubicles for driver and passengers, and access to AOL.
Where Do You Want To Go Today...Court? 04.29.97
Microsoft is being sued by Ticketmaster, for illegally using Ticketmaster's name and trademark on their new Seattle Sidewalk website. In an effort to avoid any legal entanglements, Microsoft has vowed to immediately change the name to either Ticketmeister, Ticketmaestro, or Ticketmister, or That Price-gouging, Ticket-scalping Monopoly.
Where Do You Want To Go Today...Court? 2 04.29.97
Microsoft is being sued by Ticketmaster, for illegally using Ticketmaster's name and trademark on their new Seattle Sidewalk website. Insiders speculate that Ticketmaster is suing a Seattle firm in retaliation for Pearl Jam's federal anti-trust suit of two years ago. Ticketmaster is rumored to be so angry they are also planning to sue Starbucks, salmon fishermen, and the heroin trade.
Reynold’s Rap 04.30.97
Lawyers for R.J. Reynolds company played the 1947 Tex Williams song "Smoke, Smoke, Smoke That Cigarette" as a means of proving that cigarettes have long been established as a health hazard and the companies should not be sued for wrongful death. This defense did not sway anyone, but as jurors were recessed for a smoking break, they were heard humming and whistling the catchy ditty.
Shift Like An Eagle 04.30.97
Chrysler has announced that it will install a free device in all their Jeep and Grand Cherokees that will insure that people do not accidentally step on the gas while shifting gears. They're calling it The Clutch.
Fight or Flight Response 04.30.97
The Airline Pilots Association has called a meeting to discuss the increasing incidents of disruptive and violent behavior amongst passengers. The Airline Disruptive and Violent Passengers Association had called a separate meeting to discuss the increasing incidents of airline pilots calling meetings, but the meeting was derailed because of violent and disruptive behavior.
Where Do You Want to Buy Today? 04.30.97
In an address to 2,500 executives in Chicago, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates told his audience that he expected long term profit margins to decline for his company. To counteract this trend, Gates has announced Microsoft's plan to print their own currency.
Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97
Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.
It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97
Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.
Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97
Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.
Good Vibrations 04.03.97
Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."
The Merry Cancers 04.04.97
Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."
One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97
Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined, as she prefers kaiser blade.
Kaddish 04.07.97
Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.
The More Things Change 04.08.97
Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.
What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97
After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.
Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97
This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.
Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97
The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.
Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97
The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time, I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked...".
Superunknown 04.09.97
Seattle-based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.
The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97
Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After repeatedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.
Dustin The Wind 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the Fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".
Dustin The Wind 2 04.09.97
In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral Sleazy Money-grubbing Shyster."
L is for... 04.09.97
In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"
A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97
The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.
The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97
Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Florida. have canceled the sixteen-year-old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author Days Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.
It's A Bird! 04.10.97
Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.
Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97
A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the modelmaker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.
Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97
The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: The Music and The Phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.
Stealing Liv 04.13.97
Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went online for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.
The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97
British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.
Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97
Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.
Mission Impossible 04.15.97
A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.
They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97
Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for sushi?"
Modern Times 04.15.97
Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center and the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17-Year-Old and Younger Singles Bar.
Man of Steel 04.16.97
Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.
On With The Body Count 04.16.97
Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be a gang$ta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.
Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97
The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."
Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97
ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."
Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97
In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."
There Are More Records Of 04.15.97
The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free and then be sold to other states.
Art Imitating Life 04.15.97
After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.
Another False Move 04.16.97
Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.
The Main Event 04.17.97
West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.
The Main Event 2 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.
The Main Event 3 04.17.97
West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."
Just Ducky 04.17.97
Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."
Typecasting 101 04.17.97
"Kissed", the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor, has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.
Croatan 04.18.97
Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.
In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97
A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.
Brainsmashing 04.18.97
Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.
Gill-ty 04.18.97
Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years, Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.
The Beautiful People 04.18.97
Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.
I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97
The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.
The Unreal World 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.
The Unreal World 2 04.18.97
On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.
Kojak City 4.18.97
Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.
Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97
The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.
Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97
Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.
Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97
Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.
You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97
Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".
Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97
The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.
Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97
A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."
Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97
Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?
Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97
Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.
Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97
Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."
Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97
Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?
In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.
The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.
Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.
Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack had a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.
And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.
Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97
Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currently shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.
Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97
Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead, placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.
The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97
Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.
We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97
The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.
Opener? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.01.97
Take Me Out To The Ballgame, baby. The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd. Hotdogs, Peanuts, Cracker Jacks, some fat guy without a shirt spilling beer down your back as he stands up to yell obscenities at the guy in left field. John 3:16. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know it. Opening day. Millions of baseball fans invade the stadium of their choice so they can freeze their cajones off for three hours watching a game that doesn't matter. Play ball.
Basketball Is My Favorite Sport. I Like The Way They Dribble Up And Down The Court 04.01.97
NCASquared National Championships. It's the Wildcats for two years in a row, but this time it's AZ in OT, 84-79, baby, sending the defending Wildcats of Kentucky back to the Bluegrass State and Coach Rick Pitino back to the pasta factory. Look, I don't mean to impugne anyone's extracurricular activities, but maybe, Coach, you should concentrating on forcing turnovers, instead of baking them.
Staying Centered 04.01.97
Chicago Bull's backup center Bill Wennington is sidelined for the rest of the season with a torn plantar fascia tendon. In an effort to stay in shape for the playoffs, Wennington will have a bench installed in his home where he will practice waving a towel, drinking Gatorade, and saying "huh?" everytime the coach calls his name.
Play Ball, Already! 04.02.97
Two weeks into spring and the boys of summer have been canceled for winter. The Orioles postponed their opener because of "high winds and dropping temperatures", although it may have been because of that little known meterological disturbance "injured pitcher." Elsewhere: The White Sox. Albert Belle doubled a run home before hitting a homer in the eighth. Belle celebrated his first game with a new club by not getting fined.
Unreboundabull 04.02.97
In an effort to shore up its depleted front line, the Chicago Bulls are expected to sign free agent center Brian Williams to a ten-day contract. Someone might want to remind Chicago that along with two wrongs not making a right, four busted-up seven-footers do not a center make. New rule: Two knee-caps per center, minimum.
The Long Arm Of The Law Is Too Short To Box With God 04.02.97
In this corner, Donovan "Razor" Ruddock. Arrested for stealing a 2-carat diamond ring. His challenger, fiancee Alexandria Williams. Ruddock will be charged with robbery and will have to go before three judges in a four round bout. He'll likely lose points for low blows and stealing a $20 dollar ring. "The Roundhouse In The Bighouse" will be available on PPV. Let's get ready to Riooot!!!!
The McCall of The Wild 04.02.97
Time to take the kid gloves off and put the straitjacket on. Heavyweight Oliver McCall out of square circle and into a padded room. The bruiser has been deemed an imminent danger to himself and others. Unless you're in the ring, of course, when you're only in danger, if you're allergic to tears.
Raiders of the Lost Tarkanian 04.03.97
College hoops, there it is. Fresno State. Allegations of point-shaving, gambling, and just not being very good. Can it get any worse? It just did. Forty-two tickets were given to a bookie by Jose Elgorriaga Jr., Coach Jerry Tarkanian's personal business manager, which begs the question, who's sinking three-pointers from the grassy knoll?
Calvinist Preachings 04.03.97
Grant Hill's old man, Calvin. Back with the Dallas Cowboys, consulting the beleaguered club on recent off-the-field problems. And who better to advise drug-addicted rapists than a former dope-abuser accused of rape?
The Main Event 04.03.97
Boxing. The rematch. Round Two. In this corner: Don King, weighing in at 240 plus hair. The challenger: Lloyd's of London. The referee: Judge Lawrence McKenna. The venue: New York's US District Court. The purse: $2.2 million in fines, 45 years in prison. Will the King retain his crown, or will he be found guilty of bilking $350,000 in bogus insurance claims? "The Roundhouse in the Courthouse" live on PPV.
The Not-So-Magic Bus 04.04.97
Thirty-one points for guard Darrick Martin and a victory for his Clippers in the Orlando Magic's own house? I don't think so. Neither did the Magic's Darrell Armstrong who hammered Martin with 3.8 on the clock to make his point, "They had the game won. They were (just) trying to run up the score...to get 30 points." In the future, teams handing the 40-33 Magic a defeat should first give a written apology. In a related story, take off your diaper Darrell, it's called basketball, baby.
Number One-Ten With A Bullet 04.04.97
Sports shocker. The Bullets beat the Bulls 110-102, their first over the Bulls since a 1995 shocker. This despite Magic Mike pouring in 34, and 26 from a Pip of a man. Maybe the disappearing three-second rule had something to do with it, as George Muresan managed to set up permanent camp, building his own condo in the paint and catching laughably bad passes and turning them into highlight clips. Playoffs, first round. It's called payback, bitch.
Meadowlark Losers 04.04.97
The injury-plagued Washington Capitals, fighting for their playoff life, were pummeled by the Ottawa Senators, four-goals-to-none. Capitals? Senators? I thought those were the teams the Globetrotters usually play. If either of these non-teams does make the playoffs, take my advice: Dump a bucket of confetti on the goalie and pull down the refs pants, it's your only hope. It's called futility, suckers.
Say The Magic Word: Losers 04.07.97
The Chicago Bulls defeated the Orlando Magic 110-94 with Michael Jordan pouring in a team high 37 points at the Orena. Heir to the air, Anfernee "Man, I Miss Shaq" Hardaway managed 23 points, one rebound and one technical foul. I believe the "technical" name for the foul is "whiny punk doesn't like the refs." Also with 23 for the Magic: Ronnie "It's True What They Say About White Guys" Seikaly, providing such highlight reel classics as driving the lane and then bouncing it off of your own foot and out of bounds. Grab the powdered sugar folks, we've got turnovers for everyone.
Situation Normal, All Fitched Up 04.08.97
The rumor mill is running full steam in the Clippers' house. Former Clipper coach Larry Brown is thought to be on his way back to replace Bill Fitch. Just how bad do you have to be that fans and management long for the glory days when your team went 41 and 41? Instead of concentrating on musical coaches, maybe they should be concentrating on better musical arrangements for their organist, huh?
MGM Grand Mal 04.08.97
Junior-lightweight Bernard Harris of Detroit was knocked out in the eighth round by Carlos Hernandez and suffered a seizure. The fight ended quicker than usual as the referee was only able to do an eight count because he was using his other two fingers to keep Harris from swallowing his tongue.
No Joy In Mudville 04.09.97
The Chicago Cubs have only played seven games so far this season, and, surprisingly enough, they've already lost seven games this season. Mathematically, their 0-7 record automatically puts the Cubbies out of playoffs that won't be decided for another five months. Good news, Cubs fans, because the most dangerous thing you could ever have is hope. Of course, even if they go 0-10 and then win one, you'll hear some fan say, "I don't know..."
Seven Habits of Highly Effective Golfers 04.09.97
Golfer Greg Norman has awakened the giant within in preparation for the Masters Tournament by visiting guru Anthony "Tony" Robbins, the eight foot, nine inch purveyor of pop psychology. In the Robbin's vernacular, Norman is learning how "to just be." Just be the guy who blew the biggest lead in Masters history. Just be the guy whose only chance to get a green blazer is to buy one at Sears. Just be the guy whose biggest victory was breaking the President's knee. Greg, instead of a copy of "Personal Power II", you might want to save yourself a few bucks and pick up a copy of Dorf on Golf.
Aluminium Mike 04.09.97
The re-match of the century. "The Real Deal" versus "Iron Mike." Finesse boxing versus brute force. Postponed. Again. Apparently "Iron Mike" has a boo-boo over his eye and can't fight until it goes bye-bye. Can someone maybe give Mike some stitches in his confidence? Am I the only one who thinks this whole postponement is just because "Iron Mike" isn't looking forward to being smelted again. Hey, Don King! Give him a little kiss to make it all better and let's get this thing started. We're tired of waiting.
The Bulls Won? What A Surprise! 04.09.97
Hey, Indiana Pacers fans, what time is it? Miller Time? No, actually, it's Trap-running Time as the Indiana Pacers lost to the Bulls and fell farther and farther out of the playoff race. A frustrated Miller complained to officials about a couple fouls called against him and was T'd up. Apparently, Miller felt that playing slap jacks with Jordan as he tries to take a shot should not be called a foul. You might want to check the rule book, Reggie. Whiney pretenders to the thrown are not exempt.
Aaaaaaargh, Matey! 04.09.97
In an effort to improve their team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have gunned mascot Bucco Bruce. For years people thought it was bad passing, but that wasn't it. No, it really was a bad mascot in Bucco Bruce. Some thought it might have been excessive turnovers, but no, it was all the mascot's fault. Thank God you finally got to the root of the problem because we all know what a bad player Bucco Bruce was. If this doesn't work, try firing the cheerleaders who clearly have been way to soft on defense. That groundskeeper of yours couldn't kick a field goal to save his life, he's obviously got to go. Nice thinking. Check your helmets, boys, I don't think they're working.
Stupid Cubs Tricks 4.12.97
And now, from the home office in Chicago Illinois, the top ten reasons the Cubs should quit playing baseball now. Number 10....Game one. Number 9....Game Two. Number 8....Game three. Number 7....Okay, you get the idea. The Chicago Cubs have now dropped ten in a row, a number which coincidentally coincides with how many games they have played. Hey Cubs, those sticks you have are designed to smack the little white spheres, and those gloves are not for warmth, they're for catching. It's called baseball.
Out of The Woods 04.12.97
Two days before the April 15 anniversary of Jackie Robinson Jr. breaking the color barrier, Tiger Woods broke another barrier by being the first African American to win the Masters. Congratulations Tiger. Tiger Woods is also the first African American at the Masters to wear a green jacket, instead of the traditional white with accompanying apron.
Tiger Woods has just won the Masters. But he didn't just win the Masters, he set a course record, finishing 69-270 and breaking the 1965 record set by Jack Nicklaus. But he didn't just set a record, he did it as the youngest victor in Masters history. But he's not just the youngest, he is also the blackest. He is also the most interesting, gracious, fun, freewheeling spirited champ the Masters have ever seen. And after all of this, he still looks stupid wearing a green jacket.
Hi, My Name Is Shawn And I’m... 04.12.97
Houston 113, Seattle 73. In an important meeting between two of the Western conference powers, Seattle and Houston, Supersonic's star Shawn Kemp managed to pour in a total of six points. As a reminder for those of you who may have forgotten, each basket counts for two points. Not content with his 1996 rise from inconsistent hot-shot to playoff leader, Shawn has decided that 1997 will be the year he becomes consistently inconsistent pain in the ass. Kemp is unhappy with his contract and apparently thinks that late night drinking binges and missing team meetings is the best way to prove his worth. Although you are only allowed two steps in the lane, I believe we should mandate a few more for Shawn, specifically twelve. The first is to admit you have a problem.
Undraftabull 04.15.97
And now, the starting lineup for your world-champion Chicago Bulls. At guard, from North Carolina...Michael Jordan. At forward, from the Quad City Thunder, Matt Steigenga. Apparently the Bulls are now giving out ten-day contracts as a prize on radio stations. If the green M&M wins the race at the end of the third period, you can be the new assistant coach. The Bulls, who are found of making statements going into the playoffs, seem to be making another statement. It doesn't matter what broke-down CBA reject we have, we're still kicking everyone's ass.
Nevermind 04.15.97
Allen Iverson of the 76ers managed to set a new record this week as the only rookie to score forty or more points in four consecutive games. Nevermind the fact that the 76ers lost those games. He was also given the honor of being only the second rookie ever named player of the week. Nevermind the fact that the other rookie was Arvydas Sabonis. With this accomplishment, Iverson beats the previous record set by Wilt Chamberlain of three in his rookie year. Iverson's immediate plans do not include beating Chamberlain's boning record, but he does plan to become an old man who won't shut-up. Nevermind the fact that Chamberlain was in Conan the Destroyer.
Just Clipped It 04.15.97
After a four year wait that included a lot of "Did you hear the one about the sucky Clippers?" jokes, the team that Bill Fitch built will finally be journeying to the playoffs. With a 99-93 victory over the Dallas "Did You Hear the one about the Sucky" Mavericks, The Clippers finally clinched the final playoff spot in the west. Of course, this only sets up an even funnier joke as they must face number one Utah in the first round. Knock-Knock. Who's there? Game four. Game four who? Exactly, game four who. Get ready for a sweep.
Luckiest Losers 04.16.97
The universe visited Chicago this week and decided to return some balance to the home of the 72 win Bulls and gave them a winless Chicago Cubs. How else do you explain a team whose whole is less then the sum of her parts, and whose only star, Ryan Sandberg, gets injured while sitting in the dugout. It's time for the windy city boys to head to Hollywood and get themselves a ball-playing orangutan, or magical ghosts, because it ain't happening any other way. Message to the Sun-Times and the Tribune. After the NBA playoffs, please shut down the sports section for the summer, it's the only humane thing to do.
Spit Shine 04.16.97
Remember the Alomar? Roberto returned to the Orioles lineup after serving his five-game suspension for expectorating in the face of umpire John Hirschbeck. The suspension at the beginning of the season, otherwise known as a vacation, was given in lieu of disrupting the Orioles post-season playoff run. All in all, having to play on the Orioles during the playoffs was probably punishment enough.
Not Enough Cookes Spoil The Game 04.16.97
Jack Kent Cooke, owner of the Washington Redskins and man behind the championship L.A. Lakers, is dead at the age of 84. Also dead with the passing of Cooke: Intelligent drafting, integrity, and real grass.
Two Is The Loneliest Number 04.16.97
Dallas Mavericks guard Derek Harper scored two points in the third quarter in a game versus the Lakers bringing the point total for the Mavs in that quarter to...two!!! No, not two baskets, two points and those had to come at the free-throw line. Ultimately, the Mavs would go on to lose by a whopping seven. No, not seven baskets, seven points. I guess bringing in the three-point line and opening the lanes is really paying off. The last time I saw a game this bad was on MTV's Rock & Jock Basketball. In fact, I understand the Mavs are now negotiating with "Lois and Clark's" Dean Cain. The word is fundamentals...Learn it.
We Still Love `Em! 04.17.96
The Chicago Cubs have tied the Chicago Bulls for losses and need only 69 more to tie them for wins. This is not just a coincidence, because the truth is the Cubs have a better shot at winning the NBA crown than they do ever making it to a World Series. It's not all bad news, however, as parking near Wrigley Field is great.
A Record Year? 04.17.96
After losing to the Miami Heat 102-92, the Chicago Bulls have only one more chance to reach the 70 win mark and that will have to be versus a charging New York Knicks. Of course, what could be more enjoyable than watching Michael Jordan give New York another thing to tell their analysts after the game as every Rorschach sheet seems to bear the resemblance of a certain bald warrior coming out of the sky to crush six years of playoff hopes. Calm down, Patrick, the voices aren't real.
A Breed Apart 04.16.97
North Carolina forward and All-American Antawn Jamison is ignoring the call of the NBA and plans to stay and graduate with his class. Without scoring one point, this young man has proven himself a bigger star then all the Mashburns and O'Neils combined. Jamison will be moving from his dorm to a government park. He is an endangered species.
Bullets Over Chicago? 04.18.97
Only one NBA playoff spot remains, and it's between the Bullets and the Cavaliers for the last spot in the East. Or to put it another way, one of these teams gets to lose to the Chicago Bulls in the first round. Or to put it another way, we are still trying to see if God will do for one of these teams what he did for Abraham and send a lamb instead.
Soccer? I Hardly Knew Her? 04.18.97
Following in the footsteps of Deion Sanders and Bo Jackson, golf star Laura Davies will become a two sport athlete as she joins the U.S. Indoor Soccer League. I guess Davies was getting tired of the excitement and glamour of the golf tour and is looking for something with even less mass appeal. I'm not sure, Davies, but you could probably make your way onto a National Ping Pong Team if you want, and I understand that Princess Cruises is sponsoring a new shuffle board league. Nike has reportedly offered her a great shoe deal: a million dollars if she wears Reeboks.
We Don’t Need No Education 04.18.97
Villanova University star forward Tim Thomas is now the 16th underclassman who will skip the rest of his college career and enter the NBA draft. What's that you say? You don't understand why the shooting percentage and scoring is down? Wow, that's weird, guys are skipping the training that makes them good and they end up being narrowly-skilled showboats. "You know I'd like to finish medical school, but there's more money to be made in the hospitals, I think I'll just start operating now. " And Lord knows what we need is jocks who are actually dumber than they used to be. Here's a hint, Tim: Isiah Thomas broke a tendon and he's now running his own business. You'll be lucky if you figure out how to shake hands at a casino. It's called the future, prepare for it!
Hey, Cubs Fans! 04.21.97
I guess the Cubs can't lose them all, try as they might. After thirteen games of giving new meaning to being the "Lucky Losers", the Cubs lost the opener against the Mets 8-2 before destroying their perfect record by winning the second game of the doubleheader, 4-3. Of course, it would be asking too much for the Cubs to win against the Mets when it matters, let's just say, 1969, for instance. But, hey, you can't win them all, and if you're the Cubs, you can't even win them most, so let the Cubbies wear their 1-14 record with pride, and I don't know about you, but did you see the way they played Sunday...this could be the year...
Unwinnabull 04.21.97
The NBA playoffs tip off Friday and the biggest questioned posed in the East is how quickly will the Bullets lose to the Bulls, how quickly will Detroit upset Atlanta, how quickly will New York trounce Charlotte, and hey, how did Orlando get in there? The biggest question facing the West is why don't the rest of the teams just give up now and let the Jazz have it. It will save everyboody a lot of time, money and energy spent, just to watch Utah lose to the Bulls in the finals. As a matter of fact, why even have playoffs at all? Bulls in four. Bulls in four. Bulls in four. The Bulls win! Twenty-eight-peat! Turn over a cab! I got it!
One For The Mantle 04.22.97
A New Zealand skindiver speared a 295 pound Marlin and was towed three miles out to sea during a fishing contest. Ironically enough, the Marlin was entered in a Human Dragging Contest being sponsored by Sea Creatures Against New Zealanders. The Marlin won first prize.
Mirer Genuine Draft 04.22.97
The teams that don't need the help made smart picks, or at least set themselves up for a nice trading situation, while the franchises that suck eggs mostly made really dumb choices and can expect more of the same middling seasons they had last year. That's right, it's time for the annual migration of no-necked, no-talent fat guys fleeing in droves to Canada. Also known as the NFL Draft, where no-necked, quasi-talented fat guys get paid low wages to get the snot knocked out of them for 16 weeks plus playoffs. Once again, there were no surprises, except maybe the Bucs tapping a good draft. Certainly the Bears were not surprising in the least. Not even mildly unexpected. The Bears traded their Number One to Seattle for quarterback Rick Mirer, picked up tight end lame-o John Allred and, believe it or not, talented running back Darnell Autry. But a few years back they picked up talented running back Rashaan Salaam and see how far that got them.
I Love This Game! 04.22.97
As the Finals approach, the press corps gets more and more excited about handing out meaningless awards to players who would've preferred wearing a World Championship ring and kissing the trophy to being "appreciated" by a bunch of alcoholic sportswriters with ill-fitting clothing. And we're no different, except we're not wearing any clothes. My pick for MVP, his Airness Michael Jordan. While Karl "the Mailman" Malone may have had a better season, who's Karl Malone? Rookie of the Year. Three-way tie: Stephon Marbury, whose performance got the T'Wolves into the playoffs, Allen Iverson whose 2000 points a game got the 76'ers absolutely nowhere and Shareef Abdur-Rahim, who's got the coolest name in the league. Scariest Carnival Side-Show Freak With An NBA Contract: While Goerge Muresan is the odds-on favorite, expect dark horse Dennis Rodman to pull up strong in the fourth quarter. Most Overpaid Jackass Who Spends More Time Endorsing Products, Fielding Film Offers, and Making Personal Appearances Than Playing Basketball: Shaq, hands down. But watch for a strong second from Rodman. And finally, Coach of the Year: Bill Fitch, who actually took the Clippers to the playoffs and is likely to get replaced by the idiots in the front office anyway. I love this game!
Squid Pro Quo 04.23.97
Detroit Red Wing's fans have been given a warning: No more octopi on the ice. Traditionally, each time a Red Wing player scores during the playoffs, happy fans would hurl an octopus corpse on the ice. Man, they don't make traditions like they used to. This kind of puts the whole tomahawk chop controversy in perspective. Yeah, maybe it was racist, but at least nobody ever threw a dead Navajo on the field. But I guess you can't try to reason with fan loyalty. This year we should just combine traditions. When someone wins the Stanley Cup or the NBA playoffs, fans should just take to the streets and riot while wearing loin-clothes and warpaint, turning over cars and throwing dead animals at cops.
Remember the Alomar! 04.23.97
Orioles second baseman and embarrassment to his family Roberto Alomar went out of his way to give umpire John Hirschbeck a reconciliatory handshake in their first meeting on the playing field since last season's loogie incident. Alomar went on to score the first run in a 3-2 victory against the White Sox, ending the game with one hit in three at bats, and a walk. But the only walk that seemed to matter to anyone was Roberto's heroes' journey into right field to say "I'm sorry" to human cuspidor Hirschbeck. I guess a token gesture and an empty apology goes a long way these days. It seems everyone forgot that talking smack about someone's family and hocking a goober in someone's face isn't sportsmanlike conduct, especially the commission who let Alomar play out last season and gave him a five-game suspension at the beginning of this season. You can't even call that a slap on the wrist. It's more like a manicure. The great American pasttime. Sigh.
Get Out Your Broom, It’s Time For A Sweep 04.24.97
Despite injuries to everyone on the team including Benny the Bull, the Lovabulls, and general manager Jerry Krause and despite losing their leading rebounder for half the season for headbutting, groin-kicking, MTV talk show hosting, doubleteaming suspensions, da Bulls managed to eek out a 69-win season and the best record in the league. But as the playoffs tip off, there are still heretics who say they can't go all the way and that a divine miracle will somehow elevate the Miami Heat to world champion status. Hold on tight to your dreams, sure, but how about getting real! Granted the Bullets are an average team who were just lucky enough to make the playoffs because Chris Webber decided mid- season he was tired of hearing snickers everytime someone mentioned the Fab Five, but beat the Bulls? I don't think so. Atlanta? The Pistons? Charlotte? The Knicks? Gimme a break. And something's wrong with the world when Orlando and their amazing 45-37 record gets them into the playoffs. And the saddest thing of all is that the Jazz and their 64-18 Cinderella season will take it all in the West only to face the Bulls in the Finals, and Karl Malone, turning 100 tomorrow, will never win a Championship. The only way Karl Malone will ever get to wear a championship ring is if, as a pre-emptive strike, the entire Utah Jazz gets signed to a ten-game contract with the Bulls.
Oh, Baby, Oo-oo-oo 04.25.97
This weekend will prove to be a pivotal juncture in the history of professional basketball. For the first time ever, the playoffs will matter not one iota. Not even a little bit. Save your wagers for the Foreman fight, or the NHL, or the office baby pool, baby, because there ain't no money to be had on hoops. We've read the handwriting on the backboard all year: scoring's down, stadiums are empty, and Chris Webber is good. I think it was Einstein who said playoffs over 1997 equals lame. Boring. Snoresville. Maybe commissioner David Stern ought to come out, because otherwise April 30th, no one's gonna watch the Bullets lose to the Bulls, the Clippers go home weeping, or the Lakers and the Trailblazers lullaby each other to sleep. The whole world's gonna tune into Ellen and wish she could take it to the hole in another way. I do hear, though, that she's got a great outside shot.
My Arms Are Too Old To Box With God 04.28.97
The 210-year-old, 4000-pound former heavyweight champ George Foreman ran out of money once again, came out of retirement, and stepped back into square circle to be totally unimpressive against the equally unimpressive Lou Savarese. George won a split decision, with two judges awarding the fight to Foreman, and the third apparently falling asleep, wishing for a knock out, a knock down, or, at least, something resembling a boxing match and not the heavyweight dance-a-thon to benefit Foreman's mortgage payments. Believe it or not, this bout improved Foreman's record to 76-4, with 60 knockouts, and proved, once and for all, that no matter how many people are splitting a $39.95 pay-per-view charge, it's still never a good deal.
The Remains of the Game 04.30.97
To the befuddlement of all, the Mighty Ducks managed to quack out a win to advance them to the second round of the playoffs where they will face the Phoenix Coyotes. Fans should also watch for the Bad News Bears to be a contender for the World Series, the Little Giants to win the AFC East, and a go-cart to place in the Indy 500. What's the world coming to when Emilio Estevez can coach a hockey team to the playoffs where they'll face opponents armed with equipment made by the Acme Manufacturing Company of Walla Walla, Washington? I don't know. I just suggest we all rent "Race For Your Life, Charlie Brown" and skip the America's Cup this year.
And The Winner? Is 05.02.97
Suprise! Surprise! Surprise! The 76'ers Allen Iverson won the coveted Rookie-of-the-Year award joining the ranks of past recipients like Michael Jordan, Shaquille O'Neal, and Juwan Howard. This, of course, means that Iverson will get a nice trophy to put in his closet next to the 8th grade spelling bee honorary mention ribbon and the dried boutenneire from his prom. It also means that if Allen is anything like his predecessors he'll be great his entire career, he'll be a billion dollar disappointment who chokes from the free throw line, or he'll be middling in, like, eight years, taking a crappy team to the playoffs to lose to the Bulls in three. In a related story, Karl Malone is likely to receive the MVP, which I guess this year is a lifetime achievement award. Malone getting MVP this year is kind of like Clint Eastwood finally getting an Oscar, but not for Unforgiven, for Bronco Billy.
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