Summer 1997

I’m Going In 05.01.97

Police surrounding the ramshackle trailer which serves as the embassy for the Republic of Texas militia have gone ahead and cut off their power. Sheriffs did so by approaching the permiter under the cover of darkness, breaching the barb wire fence, crawling in close formation to avoid detection, and unplugging the hotplate.

Tony Blair, International Man Of Mystery 05.02.97

Labour Party leader Tony Blair won a landslide victory against John Major to become the youngest Prime Minister in Britain since 1812. Blair is so young, in fact, Parliament has voted that instead of the PM, he will now be officially known as the AM.

Take My Wife...PLEASE! 05.02.97

Last night, President Clinton once again tried to wow fund-raising guests with his attempts at stand up comedy, saying "I wish we could have had this event in the Lincoln Bedroom, but we did not have enough coffee in the White House." Upcoming fund-raisers will be held at Wacko's House of Chuckles in Baltimore on May 15th and at The Komedy Kastle and Bowling Alley in Pasiac, New Jersey on the 24th. If all goes well, Clinton plans to give the State of the Union Address on A&E's Evening at the Improv.

Presidentially Yours 05.02.97

President Clinton has announced he will formally apologize to the survivors of the Tuskegee experiments, in which 400 black men were knowingly not treated for syphilis for the purpose of federal research. Clinton said that he did not want to be "dripping with sentiment", but "this is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Well, not my heart."

A Rose By Any Other Name Sounds As Funny 05.16.97

Mobuto and Kabila are still in an imbroglio over Kinshasa ever since the powwow in the Congo was kiboshed. I don't really have a joke, I just like the way it sounds.

Use The Force Of The Blast 05.16.97

Timothy McVeigh's former Army buddy Michael Fortier testified in court this week that McVeigh had used metaphors from the movie Star Wars to describe his intentions to blow up the Murrah Federal Building. Frankly, one of my biggest disappointments with the re-released special edition was George Lucas' decision to cut the part where Luke buys several 55-gallon barrels of nitrogen-based fertilizer, loads them into a rented landspeeder, and drives a flaming, ball of hot death into an Imperial daycare center, killing several hundred innocent children, Ugnaughts, and Jawas. But that's just me.

Open The Pod Bay Doors, Gary 05.16.97

Chess grandmaster Gary Kasparov was defeated by IBM supercomputer Deep Blue in the highly-publicized rematch. Kasparov conceded his defeat like a man, reaching out to give Deep Blue a congratulatory handshake. However, when he realized the cold, steely, soulless machine had no arms, Kasparov laughed a laugh that only humans could laugh, pulled the plug from the wall socket and yelled "Checkmate schmeckmate, who's the tough guy now, Hal?"

The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla 05.16.97

A devastating earthquake rocked Northern Iran this week, leaving thousands of Iranians homeless, missing, or dead. International relief organizations were delighted with the response of Americans who were able to forget about the past, put history behind them, let bygones be bygones and send tons of unwanted items to the ravaged nation. They would like to inform would-be donors, however, that they already have enough Billy Beer, vinyl copies of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, and Fuck Iran long-sleeved T-shirts, and what they really need is blankets.

The International Rifle Association 05.16.97

In response to February's Empire State Building shooting spree, President Clinton announced new gun sale restrictions that will now require foreigners to establish residency for at least 90 days before they can buy a firearm and go on a shooting spree at the Empire State Building.

The Old Fashioned Way 05.16.97

According to his annual financial disclosure form, President Clinton owes over $1 million each to two separate law firms defending him in Whitewater and a sexual harassment suit. The President didn't seem concerned about the debt, saying, "Hey, a night in the Lincoln bedroom here, a fancy schmancy dinner for Chinese nationals there, boom, I've got your million dollars and change by the weekend."

I’d Like To Call Able Team and Phoenix Force To The Stand 05.16.97

A government witness testified that Timothy McVeigh's fingerprints could not be found on several key pieces of evidence linking him to the bombing. Apparently, McVeigh wore gloves when underlining passages from his dog-eared copy of Mack Bolan, the Executioner #65.

In Like Flinn 05.21.97

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery and other charges. The service in fact plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then throwing medium-sized stones at the dirty jezebel.

How Do You Spell “Tourette’s” 05.28.97

As she nervously waved her arms and mumbled into her cupped hands, 13-year-old Rebecca Sealfon correctly spelled the word "euonym" and captured the 70th National Spelling Bee title. Spastically shouting out each letter as she pogoed excitedly in place, Sealfon made it to the finals by spelling the Latinates "obsessive", "compulsive", and "behavior" and the compound word "David Helfgott".

Congoing Crazy 05.28.97

After ousting Mobotu, Laurent Kabila was inaugurated as president of the Congo this week, promising that the new republic will be a democracy with three branches of government, but until a Constitution is ratified, he will rule the country by decree and appoint whomever he wants to whatever position he decides to create. When asked how this constitutes "democracy," Kabila had the reporter tortured and killed, blew into a conch shell and replied, "You want a piece of me? I'm the King of the Hill now, baby. One man, one vote, and I'm the one man with the one vote. Oh, and I'm raising your taxes."

Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 06.02.97

Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. Her 12-year-old nephew implicated in the fire, denies any involvement, but did suggest he created the atmosphere in which the fire was started.

Apparently James Baldwin Was Right, It Was Fire Next Time 2 06.02.97

Betty Shabazz, widow of Malcolm X, is near death with third degree burns over 80% of her body after an arson fire erupted in her Yonkers apartment. While fatal third degee burns are certainly a tragedy, on the plus side, Shabazz may receive the Best Actor nod in next year's Oscars.

Fight The Power 07.02.97

Researchers have concluded that power lines do not increase our children's risk of developing leukemia. The study did not, however, rule out the potential of turning children into mutant freaks with the ability to telepathically manipulate electromagnetic waves with their minds, forcing community watchdogs to ostracise the frightened, misunderstood youngsters who will flee to the fringes of society where, as supervillains, they will plot their revenge and declare, fists raised defiantly, "that'll show 'em" and "those so-and-so's will rue the day the met me". Eventually, they'll use their powers of evil to shut down the world's centers of commerce and trade, and, to defeat the evil menace, the government will call in the children who lived in areas with high benzine content in the water supply and developed the ability to transform themselves into any carbon-based molecular structure, and a battle of galactic proportions will ensue. So parents, even with the announcement of the cure of leukemia, you must diligently warn your children to avoid downed power lines because we're not out of the woods yet.

Calypso 07.02.97

This weekend, a memorial service was held to commemorate the passing of oceanographer Jacques Cousteau who died last week at the age of 87. Cousteau's body was chopped into tiny bits of chum and thrown to sharks as mourners were lowered in submersible protective cages to capture the whole thing on videotape. One pallbearer was heard to say "It was great. Now if only that prick Marty Stouffer got mauled by a bear."



Vodka Served In First Class Only 05.01.97

The first Russian jet powered by an American engine was unveiled today, which the Russians hope will help them break into the world aviation market. The jet, powered by a V-6 from a 1987 Ford Taurus will not be able to fly, but can get 23 MPG in the city and can take corners at up to 65, without tipping over.

What About Tic-Tacs? 05.02.97

James Morgan, president of Philip Morris, in response to a $5 billion class action lawsuit, said in a videotaped message that tobacco is no more addictive than Gummy Bear candy. A representative for the Gummy Company, makers of Gummy Bears, Gummy Worms, and the Gummed Backing On Envelopes, has denied reports that executives buried a 1972 memo warning of the potentially addictive and hazardous side effects of sugary, gelatinous goo, but has offered to pour millions of dollars into research on the Gummy Patch.

Thank Heaven For... 05.02.97

According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates the percentage of young girls ages 15 to 19 having sex with government researchers is way up.

Thank Heaven, For... 2 05.02.97

According to government researchers, 50% of young girls, ages 15 to 19 are having sex, a figure which is down 5% from 1990. Another recent report indicates there been a 5% increase in the incidents of young girls ages 15 to 19 lying.

Trumped Again 05.02.97

Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night, which is well above the going-rate for a 28-year-old flight attendant.

Trumped Again 2 05.02.97

Real estate mogul Donald Trump is splitting from Marla Maples after three-and-a-half years of marriage. Their pre-nuptial agreement gives her up to $5 million, which works out to about $4000-a-night. All of this will be detailed in Maples' new book, "The Art of the Deal".

And Keeps It Off 05.02.97

A woman undergoing lipsuction surgery bled to death after doctors removed 20 pounds of fat from her. In response to attempts by California officials to suspend their licenses, they were quoted as saying, "I don't know what the problem is. She lost the weight".

International Bullshit Machine 05.02.97

Grandmaster Gary Kasparov will face challenger IBM's Deep Blue in a rematch. Once again, Kasparov will attempt to prove to the world the superiority of human intelligence, the flexibility of human thought processes, and the ability of IBM to shamelessly exploit any event to sell more personal computers.

Take Two Pentium Chips And Call Me In The Morning 05.02.97

Columbia/HCA Healthcare Corp. of New York, the nation's largest hospital company, is testing a system allowing doctors to make virtual housecalls. This comes as a boon for hypochondriacs.

Liggett My Eggett 05.16.97

Liggett Group, makers of Lark, Eve, and Chesterfield cigarettes, has announced that their brands will now be marked with labels warning that smoking is addictive. This comes as great news for all those consumers who don't smoke now, but planned on inventing a time machine to travel back to the Fifties, where they can heavy pet in a bomb shelter before driving their steady home in Dad's Edsel and meeting the guys at the soda fountain for a malted.

Whoopski! 05.16.97

A government report indicates that, due to computer glitches, several Russian missiles aimed at the US have been activated in recent months. I don’t know about you, but the idea of some bleery-eyed Cossack half-drunk on potato vodka, working a swing shift at the missile silo, downloading nude photos of the latest Bond girl, hitting the back button and there goes Omaha , Nebraska is not comforting. Hey, Mother Russia, fuck the Mir space station, fuck the Chechnyan conflict, fuck the goddamn bread lines, let’s get to work de-activating the ICBM’s so that I can quit stockpiling cans of cling peaches in my basement and get back to fearing the Chinese.

Cheeseburger In Paradise 05.28.97

Nike shares skyrocketed this week, led by speculation that septuagenarian billionaire investor Warren Buffett is interested in investing in the athletic footwear company. Unfortunately, the stocks plummeted late in the day when all of Wall Street simultaneously asked themselves what a 70-year-old man needs with a pair of Air Jordans.

The Royale With Cheese 05.28.97

After franchisees balked at the idea, McDonald's has ix-nayed a proposal to guarantee serving customers their orders within 55 seconds of payment. Apparently, however, employees have tentatively agreed to continue fucking up your order no matter how long it takes, and “we'll put that in writing if need be.”

Smoke Gets In Your Lies 05.28.97

The Federal Trade Commission will charge RJ Reynolds Tobacco Co. with unfair advertising because of its Joe Camel ad campaign. Uncle Sam apparently is sick and tired of being cuckolded by a pool-playing anthropomorphic dromedary with a vagina for a mouth and wants to impress on our American youth that the only reason you should ever, ever take up smoking is because cowboys and race cars are really, really cool.

Anatomically and Politically Correct 05.28.97

Toy manufacturer Mattel has announced a new doll in their Barbie line that they claim will "help dispel the myths and stereotypes children have of the handicapped". The new doll, Share-A-Smile Becky, will come with a plastic pink wheelchair, long, thin-yet-shapely legs that don't work, disproportionately large and perky breasts with no feeling, and one almond-shaped baby blue eye with a severed optic nerve and matching handbag.


All in the Family 03.02.97

Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.

Creature Feature 03.02.97

Tomoyuki Tanaka, creator of the popular Japanese monster movies, passed away at the age of 86. The pall bearers included a 50 foot fire breathing lizard, a screeching teradactyl and a flame throwing flying tortoise who is friend to all children. The poignant eulogy, "Arrgggheeeeuuuggghhhhh!!!!", was delivered by a three headed flying dragon from outer space

Goufée 03.04.97

Disney has announced plans to introduce its Disney Channel this March in France. In an effort to make their programming more accessible to the foreign market, some of the shows have been altered slightly and will include Donald Duck ala Orange, Huey, Dewey and Louix XIV, and The Absent-Minded Collaborator.

Bedtime To Ronzo 03.05.97

Ronald and Nancy Reagan are celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary, which prompted Mrs. Reagan to say “It seems like only 45 minutes since wedding bells rang.” Though the former first lady was waxing metaphoric, ironically enough, it really does only seem that long to her husband.

Mary...I’m Home! 03.05.97

A New Jersey production of a passion play has received racist letters and numerous ticket cancellations due to the casting of Desi Arnaz Giles, an African-American actor, as Jesus. The disgruntled theatergoers were not upset that a black man was playing Christ, but that he took a beloved Cuban bandleader’s name in vain.

Homeless Alone 03.05.97

The parents of McCauley Culkin are still locking horns with each other in a bitter lawsuit to win custody of their six children and the millions of dollars belonging to their famous son. A judge has stepped in and placed control of the young actor’s finances in the hands of his accountant. Likewise, in an effort to insure that the children will be allowed to have healthy, normal childhoods, the judge has granted custody of the six children to the parents of Drew Barrymore, Danny Bonaduce, Brooke Shields, Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and the Jackson 5.

I’m Looking For Sara Connor 03.05.97

Despite her impending marriage to action director James Cameron, actress Linda Hamilton is still fighting rumors that she is a lesbian. The Terminator 2 star is still baffled as to why the rumors have been haunting her since college, where she double-majored in the complete works of Gertrude Stein and Virginia Woolf, played for the golf team and listed Clambake as her favorite Elvis movie.

Love Is Many Splendored Thing 03.06.97

Courtney Love wants a Florida county to pay $27,000 in legal fees relating to an incident in which Love punched two fans at one her shows. The judge in that trial ruled in Love’s favor stating that the fans were not exposed to any more violence than should be expected at a grunge concert. Strangely, the same judge ruled similarly to a case involving Yo-Yo Ma and Itzhak Perlman.

Four Score And Seven Subpeonas Ago 03.07.97

President Bill Clinton and wife Hilary honored President Abraham Lincoln by attending a gala held at Ford’s Theater. As a tribute to the sixteenth president, Clinton leapt from the balcony to the stage, breaking his ankle, and shouted “sic semper tyranannus” as he ran from the theater to a barn in Virginia, where he was hunted down and killed by union troops. Questioned about his bizarre behavior, the dead Clinton said, “I didn’t want appear rude by just leaving.”

With Music By Elton John, Lyrics By Tim Rice 03.07.97

Disney’s Touchstone Pictures is trying secure the rights to the true story of Irish reporter Veronica Guerin, who was allegedly gunned down by a drug lord. Since Guerin’s husband still refuses to sell them his wife’s story, the movie studio is going ahead with their own “unauthorized” version featuring Bette Midler as Guerin, Robin Williams as her husband, Rick Moranis as the evil drug lord and the voice of Gilbert Gottfried as Guerin’s animated talking cat, Seamus.

Might As Well Jump 03.07.97

Bubblefactory records will be the lucky company that gets to release Sammy Hagar’s first post-Van Halen album. “O U Fired Me 2” will be an entirely accapela outing featuring harmonies between Hagar and David Lee Roth. Tunes include the rock ballad, “Who Needs A Guitar Player Anyway?” and “If My Last Name Were Van Halen, I Would Still Have A Job”.

We Now Return To Hallmark’s “Amaru!” 03.07.97

Hollywood has already began putting together the cast for a movie about the Peruvian hostage crisis, even though the standoff has yet to be resolved. Hollywood should be able to master this story rather easily as they are quite adept at long-protracted stories about nothing without an ending.

Bitter Pill 03.07.97

Tony Tennille expressed surprise and dissapointment when she failed to gain the lead in Victor/Victoria, losing out to Raquel Welch. This comes on the heels of her dissapointment at discovering that “The Captain” is not really in the military and that you can’t make love to a Muskrat.

Best Known As The Voice Of Grampa On Rugrats 03.07.97

Actor David Doyle, who played Bosley on “Charlie’s Angels”, died last week at the age of 67. The eulogy was delivered by a disembodied voice on a speakerphone, and rumors that the actor was seen being escorted into the sky by three angels in multi-colored jumpsuits with outdated feathered hair styles remain unconfirmed.

Come Out, Come Out Where Ellen You Are 03.07.97

Saturday night, at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center’s “Women’s Night,” actress Ellen Degeneres planted a huge kiss on singer kd Lang, once and for all, dispelling any doubts that kd Lang is, in fact, a lesbian.

Black Is Black 03.07.97

Rap record mogul Marion “Suge” Knight was sentenced to nine years for parole violation and his participation in a gang murder. Insiders (Snake, Mad Dog, and My Bitch from Cell Block 9) speculate that Knight’s incarceration was just a shrewd business move designed to drive up stock in Death Row Records, but Knight, speaking from his cell phone in the prison recording studio where he is producing the new artist Rappin’ Richard Ramirez, denied the charges, assuring all the kids at home that they could still look up to him, because he, in fact, remains a dope fly fresh live hype gang$ta pimp hustler motherfucker who caps suckas who front, ai-ite!

Swirlie Girlie 03.09.97

Jenny McCarthy had no comment when informed that Cosmopolitan and Vogue rejected her “Candies” shoe ad showing the blonde starlet sitting on the toilet with her panties around her ankles. She was reported to be elated, however, to learn that the ad will be featured in Commodes Quarterly, Porcelain Today and Panties Around Your Ankles Monthly.

The Marrying Kind 03.09.97

Christie Brinkley, who married fourth and latest husband Peter Cook only 1 1/2 years after marrying, and then divorcing, her third husband Rick Taubman, told a Redbook reporter that she “must have been suffering from post-traumatic stress” when she married Taubman who rescued her from a blazing helicopter crash. Brinkley then divorced Cook and married the Redbook reporter.

Peter’s Friend 03.09.97

Kenneth Branagh, nominated for his screenplay adaptation of “Hamlet”, will be presenting an award at the 69th annual Academy Awards. Branagh’s uncut presentation, which the actor will write, direct and star in, will be three and a half hours in length and feature cameos by Sir John Gielgud, Al Pacino and Robin Williams and remain true to the original.

Cell-uloid Princess 03.10.97

Legendary Hollywood movie queen Hedy Lamarr is being honored for techonology she helped create fifty years ago, that inspired the invention of cellular phones. Fortunately, Ms. Lamarr is being honored while she is still alive, unlike her other contemporaries in science, Greta Garbo, who pioneered room temperature fusion, Jean Harlow, mother of manned space travel and Nikola Tesla, who popularized the “Peek-a-boo” hair-do.

Thanks For Your Support 03.10.97

Richard Marx and Jewel are among the stars arriving on Capitol Hill today to petition for more funding for the arts. It looks like there will be no funding for the arts this year.

The Final Trump 03.10.97

Alfred Sheinwold, who authored thirteen books and a daily syndicated column on bridge, died at the age of 85. Evidently he had been sitting at the table for five days before anyone noticed.

I’m Being Degeneres 03.10.97

Melissa Ethridge and kd Lang, two known singers, are slated to appear in the “coming out” episode of Ellen. The last minute addition was caused when original guests, Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan, unexpectedly backed out. The show about Ellen’s sexual orientation has been on the table for months now, and the episode, eight hours in length, will consist of Degeneres saying “I am gay,” and clip after clip of everyone in America saying, “I know.”

Biggie, Biggie, Biggie Can’t You See 03.10.97

In Los Angeles, rapper Big E. Smalls, aka The Notorious B.I.G, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting outside of a Soul Train Awards party at the Petersen Automotive Museum. Though the assailants are still at large, the car is now on display.

My Left Eye 03.11.97

Jean-Dominique Bauby, the former editor-in-chief of Elle magazine, died yesterday, after a prolonged paralysis during which he dictated a 150-page book, letter by letter by winking his left eye. The book, “Le Scaphandre et le Papillon” (The Diving Suit and the Butterfly), makes absolutely no sense. Apparently, he just had something in his eye.

Rapping It Up 03.11.97

The album title of the late Gangsta Rapper Notorious B.I.G. was, aptly enough, “Life After Death, Till Death Do Us Part”, though he insisted he was not predicting his own death. Ironically enough, there has been no explanation for the tracks on the album, “Gonna Get Shot in Front of a Museum”, and “I Didn’t Want To Go To The Mickyficky Soultrain Awards Anyway.”

Do The Loco-Motion With Me 03.12.97

Veteran 70’s rock band Grand Funk Railroad are touring the country with the Sarajevo Symphony to raise money for charity. Other bands that need your help include Kansas, Bachman-Turner Overdrive and America.

Silence Isn't Golden 03.12.97

Evidence has come to light that Laurence Austin, the owner and operator of the Silent Movie Theater in Los Angeles, was the victim of a murder for hire. The investigating team, twenty policemen from the Keystone division, actually cornered a suspect, but the pursuit was foiled when a piano fell on their paddy wagon.

To Be Or Not To Be O/S 03.13.97

A 1964 filmed production of "Hamlet" starring Richard Burton will be premiering on the Internet next month. The film will be shown much against the wishes of the late star, who was vehemently opposed to having "Hamlet" seen on a movie screen. Burton will happy to know that instead, the film will be shown on a 160 x 120 pixel window at 2 frames per second and with audio that cuts out during all the soliloquies.

Ask Dr. Laura 03.14.97

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the radio therapist who tells her callers to "get over it" when it comes to being weak and overly sensitive, broke down on the air, after being criticized by a Dallas newspaper. To find solace, Schlessinger ended up spending two hours on the phone with her rabbi. The rabbi has sent Schlessinger to work on a kibbutz in Haifa, while in her time slot, he will now be hosting his own self-help show, "Kvetch and Retch."

The Littlest Big Star 03.14.97

LeAnn Rimes, the 14-year-old country music star, has just crayoned a million dollar book deal with Doubleday. The book, a novelization about a young singer's Christmas, must be two pages, double-spaced, no more than five hundred words and the thesis must be clearly stated in the first paragraph. For extra credit, Miss Rimes can write an essay entitled "What I Did With My Million Dollar Book Deal."

The Big E 03.14.97

The twenty year anniversary of Elvis Presley's death will be observed in grand style, featuring live tributes, a full symphony orchestra playing his hits and the world's largest Elvis candlelight vigil. Several of the events not being featured include the Robert Goulet Celebrity T.V. Shoot-Out, All You Can Eat Clambake, and the Third Annual Nembutal Swallowing Competition.

And Big E. 03.14.97

The family of slain rapper Notorious B.I.G. is asking that the funeral be held privately and in peace. Kirk Burrowes, president of Bad Boy Entertainment reiterated the wish saying, "There will plenty of time in the coming weeks for you to show your support, your love and your respect for B.I.G." Fans will be expected to show their support, love and respect by purchasing the all-star music video version of the funeral, which will be released next month for $39.95.

Jack Of All Trades 03.17.97

A Los Angeles-based record company is releasing a compact disc of Jack Kevorkian's jazz compositions. Selections also include several jazz covers of such favorites as "Killing Me Softly". Music critics feel that this is further proof that jazz is indeed, dead.

Delhi Cuts 03.17.97

Five Indian farmers in New Delhi have threatened to kill themselves if New Age musician Yanni plays a concert on their land. Sometimes a joke just writes itself.

Olive Branch Releasing Presents 03.18.97

Paramount Pictures announced they are holding back the summer release of their blockbuster disaster epic, "The Flood" stating that they need more time to work on the film. The filmmakers plan to bring in two of every kind of producer to fix the script.

I Concur 03.19.97

New age musician Yanni says he wants his concert at the Taj Mahal to be a "feel good experience" and, in an effort to diffuse the situation with the five protesting Indian farmers, invited them to come in free. They declined, saying they'd rather set themselves on fire.

At Rest In The Fortress of Solitude 03.19.97

Alexander Salkind, the producer who gave the world the "Superman" films, died in Paris at the age of 75. Though reports first listed the cause of death as a stomach ailment, rumors of a glowing green substance found under Salkind's bed remain unconfirmed. In response to the news, a grieving Superman flew around the earth trying to reverse time and bring Salkind back, but, alas, it was too late.

What A Wonderful World 03.19.97

The "Wonderful World of Disney" will be returning to network television on ABC. Inasmuch as Disney already has pretty much exhausted its supply of cartoons, films and cartoon films on its cable channel, the new ABC series will be reality-based. Segments will include up-close and personal pieces on Disney execs, their homes and their cars. Other proposed features are "Studio Cops", in which security guards deal every week with unauthorized persons attempting to enter the building, and "It's A Small World, After All", detailing sweatshop conditions in Asia.

HIStory 03.19.97

Michael Jackson has won a lawsuit brought against him by five former employees who claimed they were fired for co-operating in a child molestation investigation. The jury, composed of six light-skinned black men and six pedophiles, decided that the plaintiffs were clearly trying to "kick him, kike him and that they shouldn't black or white him."

No Longer A Youngman 03.19.97

King of the one-liners Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday today. While trying to blow out the candles on his cake, the comic was heard to say, "Take my life, please."

Breaking The Point 03.19.97

Producers of "Breaking the Surface", the Greg Louganis story, have not allowed any kissing scenes in the film, for fear of turning off viewers. In an effort to avoid turning off people who hate swimming, the Louganis character is now a Russian husband and wife figure skating team and for those uncomfortable with the issues of HIV, the male skater will simply contract a bad cough.

Stern Admonitions 03.20.97

In an effort to promote peace in the rap community, Howard Stern invited rappers to a "summit" on the show. The discussion included such notorious 'gangstas' as Mele-mel, Chubb Rock and Luther Campbell. Things became ugly when Jewel, Melissa Ethridge, and Seal drove by in another studio yelling mild obscenities in a drive-by shouting. Though no peace accord was reached, they managed to agree that "Private Parts" is a good movie, and that they would all like to have sex with lesbians.

Bring Out The Gimp 03.20.97

The Los Angeles Times reported that based on this year's nominations, playing a role with a physical affliction is the surest way for an actor to get a Best Actor nomination. Hopes now run high for Jim Varney's upcoming, "The Stephen Hawking Story ", Andrew Dice Clay's turn as Quasimodo and Pia Zadora's much acclaimed portrayal in the "Helen Keller Story."

The Bluest Skies I’ve Ever Seen 03.20.97

Former Seattle Seahawk Brian Bosworth says that on his new TV series, Lawless, he will be doing his own stunts, unlike when he played football. Of television he adds, "This is similar to football, I work all week and get paid on Saturday." It is also similar to football in that the new series is almost as bad as the Seahawks.

All-You-Can-Eat Buffett 03.20.97

Pop singer Jimmy Buffett is suing the owners of the Maui-based restaurant "Cheeseburger in Paradise", for profiting off his song title. In an effort to stem the tide of others reaping benefits off his efforts, Buffet plans to sue "Wasted Away in Margaritaville" a re-hab clinic for hopeless alcoholics with a weakness for Tequila.

The Women of Forest Lawn 03.21.97

Grace Hefner, the mother of Playboy publisher Hugh Hefner, died today at the age of 101. Grace was 5'4", 32-45-36, and her interests included writing poetry, romantic candlelight dinners, Tupperware, mah-jongg and breathing.

The Big W. 03.24.97

Reverend W. Awdry, author of the famed Thomas the Tank Engine children's tales, died at the age of 85. I guess he just ran out of steam.

Crammed With Graham 03.25.97

Stedman Graham has a fairly good chance of making Oprah's book list with his motivational entry entitled "You Can Make It Happen: A Nine Step Plan For Success." Step one: Meet Oprah, Step Two: Ask Oprah out, Step Three: Date Oprah, Step Four: Sleep with Oprah, Step Five: Get engaged to Oprah, Step Six:Get Oprah to introduce you to some publishers, Step Seven: Mention Oprah's name when meeting with the publisher, Step Eight: Have Oprah mention the book on TV, Step Nine:Get on Oprah's show.

And On A Blue Note... 03.25.97

Harold Melvin, former leader of the Philadelphia doo-wop group the Blue Notes, died from a stroke at the age of 57. If you don't him by now, you're never never never gonna know him...


Nava Again 03.28.97

Selena director Gregory Nava was criticized by a New York Times critic who felt the film was "too nice", including the fact that Selena's death is not even shown. Nava defended the choice saying, "I wanted to go back to the Greek tragedies. Murder was never shown on stage." Oddly enough, the film closely resembles the little known Greek tragedy Lysistrata Con Much Gusto, the story of an Athenian princess who moves to Mexico to become a pop star and ends up getting her eyes poked out by a jealous fan who also happens to be her mother.


The Sun Ain’t Coming Out 03.31.97

Joanna Pacitti, the 12-year-old who was fired from the Broadway revival of "Annie", sold her story for a TV movie tentatively entitled, "Little Orphaned Annie." Unfortunatly, a week into shooting, Pacitti was replaced.

Because, Because, Because, Because, Because 03.31.97

15-year-old Jessica Grove has been selected to play Dorothy in the Broadway production of "The Wizard of Oz." In the tradition of the original production, the Tin Man will get deathly-ill from the makeup, the Glenda the Good Witch will never work again, and Dorothy will be put on a strict diet of Nembutal.

If It’s Too Loud 03.31.97

An Arizona judge has filed a lawsuit against Barry Manilow, claiming he has had a persistent ringing in his ears alleging it was the loudest concert he ever heard. Not willing to take any more chances with his hearing, the judge has sold off his tickets to Anne Murray, Air Supply and Marcel Marceau.

Turner Classic Loonies 03.31.97

In response to the Heaven's Gate incident, Ted Turner replied that mass suicide is "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." Turner, you may recall, thought that a talking dog could carry a fledgling 24-hours news network, that making black-and-white films look like Monet paintings is a good idea, and that Barbarella would make a docile, corporate wife. Time Warner suggested another good way to get rid of a few nuts: "buy their companies and make them Vice Chairman of yours."

For Sale By Owner’s Proxy 03.31.97

This month, Barbra Streisand's Holmby Hills home will go on the market for a reported $7.5 million. Despite the complaints of neighbors, the facade of the home was never renovated as Barbra felt any cosmetic changes would affect the resonance. The five-bedroom, seven-bath house features soft-lighting, stage fright and James Brolin. Barbra will not show the home herself, but will ask Celine Dion to do it for her.

Minnie Pearly Gates 04.03.97

Gaylord Entertainment, owners of the Grand Ole Opry, have hired two Christian music executives to create a division devoted to what they deem "wholesome entertainment." First up, the executives are forcing the company to change its name from Gaylord to StraightGod.

It's Not Easy Being Dead 04.02.97

Jon Stone, the co-creator of the popular children's show "Sesame Street" died at the age of 65. His passing is brought to you by the letters R.I. and P. and from the number 86.

The Legend Continues 04.02.97

Kung Fu's David Carradine was honored with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and as an April Fool's gag, the covering was lifted to reveal a star with his brother Robert Carradine's name on it. When the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce realized that the part of Kwai Chang Kane should have gone to Bruce Lee, it was decided to give the star to brother Keith Carradine, who at least has worked with Robert Altman. Carrying the joke even further, father John Carradine was dragged out of the Hollywood Wax Museum and propped up alongside his sons, whereupon the entire gang piled into a pickup truck and headed off to kick the Baldwin brother's asses.

Baby, Baby, Please... 04.02.97

Spike Lee, in conjunction with TNT, will now be concentrating his talents on the world of sports, by producing original films and documentaries about athletes in America. Using his particularly unique point of view, the films include the Joe Louis story, The White Man Took My Title, the Jackie Robinson story, The White Man Took My Bat and the William "Refrigerator" Perry story The White Man Took My Sandwich.


Good Vibrations 04.03.97

Beach Boys guitarist Carl Wilson, who was first diagnosed with lung cancer, is now undergoing chemotherapy treatment for brain cancer as well. A spokesoncologist told the press, "That tumor gets a round-round gets around, it gets around..."


The Merry Cancers 04.04.97

Allen Ginsburg, the legendary beat poet, has been diagnosed with incurable liver cancer. The doctor was reported to shake his head and say, "I have seen the best livers of my generation destroyed by cancer."


One False Move And...Whoops! 04.07.97

Elizabeth Taylor, newly recuperating from brain surgery, received a visit from Oscar winner Billy Bob Thornton at her home last weekend. In addition to exchanging thanks and pleasantries, Thornton offered to cut the remaining tumor out with a slingblade, but Taylor graciously declined.


Kaddish 04.07.97

Legendary Beat Poet Allen Ginsburg died from cancer at the age of 70. Poets around the country honored his passing by flying to Algiers and fucking little Moroccan boys.

The More Things Change 04.08.97

Martin star Martin Lawrence has announced he will be leaving the world of TV sitcoms when his show leaves the air May 1st. In his place, Fox plans to re-run episodes of Amos n' Andy, expecting nobody to know the difference.

What The Ellen’s Going On? 04.08.97

After coming out in public, Ellen DeGeneres claims, "I never wanted to be the lesbian actress." From here on out, she just wants to be known as the lesbian.

Tony, Toni, Tone 04.08.97

This year's broadcast of the annually unwatched Tony Awards will be limited by CBS to only eight top categories. Categories under consideration include Best Revival, Best Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival, Best Julie Andrews replacement, Best Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival of a Revival and Best Disney Cartoon Made Into A Musical.

Pulitzer? I Hardly Knew Her! 04.08.97

The 1996 Pulitzer Prizes were awarded on Monday to the guy who wrote a scathing expose of bad working conditions in some factory and the lady who takes heartrending pictures of blood-splattered firemen carrying dead babies. However, no awards were given for drama, as none of the potential honorees met the criteria. Apparently, all the AIDS plays canceled each other out and "Conversations With My Prostate" was technically a one-man show.

Adventures in The Screen Trade 04.08.97

The sixth annual Hollywood Literary Retreat took place in Santa Barbara, in which screenwriters rediscovered their writing skills by sitting around campfires telling stories. Some of the screenplays resulting from the weekend include "The Mystery of The Twelve Campers Who Died", "The Hook Murderer of Blue Lake" and "One Time...I Saw My Cousin, And She Was Naked..."<

Superunknown 04.09.97

Seattle based grunge band Soundgarden has broken up. This means the only band in the Seattle area left with any artistic integrity is Sir-Mix-a-Lot.

The Daughters Gibb 04.09.97

Kilauren Gibb has been reunited with her mother, singer Joni Mitchell, after she put her daughter up for adoption 32 years ago. Gibb discovered she was adopted when a child welfare agency told her that her mother was a "successful Canadian folk singer." After trying repeadtedly trying to get in touch with Gordon Lightfoot, she heard Mitchell's latest album, I Gave Up My Child For Adoption 32 Years Ago and bells went off.

Dustin The Wind 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Being that this was the fifties, Hoffman used to refer to Cochran as "Boy".

Dustin The Wind 04.09.97

In reminiscing about the upcoming reunion at Los Angeles High, lawyer Johnnie Cochran said that he and Dustin Hoffman used to hang out, mentioning that he used to call the diminutive actor "Dusty". Hoffman still refers to his boyhood friend by his nickname, "Immoral, sleazy, money-grubbing shyster."

L is for... 04.09.97

In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, crime novelist Patricia Cornwell admits she had a lesbian affair with a former FBI agent. I guess this answers the old question "Whodunit?"

A Roseanne By Any Other Name 04.09.97

The final episode of Roseanne finished taping and it had the audience sobbing. Evidently the cast and crew was sobbing too, but only because Roseanne had been yelling at them for the entire afternoon.

The Sons Also Rises 04.10.97

Organizers of the annual Hemingway Days Festival in Key West, Fla. have canceled the sixteen year old event, after the writer's three sons threatened to sue unless they received part of the proceeds. Said one of the sons, "It was not a good thing. The bulls were good. The wine was good. The sea was clear and blue. But the money was lacking." A spokeman for the festival said that in its place Key West will host its First Annual "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Festival. Events will include an "Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" Look-alike contest, and a "Write A Short Story In The Style Of Your Favorite Alcoholic, Overweight, Suicidal Latent Homosexual Author" competition.

It's A Bird! 04.10.97

Christopher Reeve broke his left arm, but the injury did not keep him from attending the premiere of his directorial debut. Though not a serious injury, Reeve was encouraged not to try jumping fences in his wheelchair again.

Women and Finger Sandwiches First 04.12.97

A 10 foot model of the Titanic, built from 75,000 toothpicks, was put on display at the Carole and Barry Kay Miniature Museum in Los Angeles. All went well at the opening night gala, until the model maker bumped into a guest carrying a drink and an ice cube collided with the miniature Titanic, sending it to the floor.

Get Into Your Groove 101 04.12.97

The University of Amsterdam has created a course entitled Madonna: the music and the phenomenon." Students have been lining up to join, excited about the possibilities of what the oral exam might entail.

Stealing Liv 04.13.97

Actress Liv Tyler was appalled when she went on-line for the first time and saw the raunchy reponses to a picture of her from the film Stealing Beauty, saying, "It was so disgusting." Tyler purified herself by watching Aerosmith videos showing her make out with Alicia Silverstone.


The Meaning of Life After Death 04.14.97

British comedy group Monty Python's Flying Circus may unite again, according to John Cleese, though member Graham Chapman died in 1989. A home video of Chapman telling a joke will be digitally remastered into a new sketch with the surviving members entitled Free as a Parrot.

Thank God And Greyhound 04.14.97

Country superstar Travis Tritt married model Theresa Nelson, serenading her with More Than You'll Ever Know, a song he wrote specifically for her. Insiders report that Tritt, married for his third time, neglected to mention that the full title of the song is really, I'm So Thankful I Signed A Pre-Nup, More Than You'll Ever Know.

Mission Impossible 04.15.97

A&E's Biography celebrated its 10th anniversary with a special episode featuring the life story of host Peter Graves, which was narrated by co-host Jim Perkins, who did not receive a tribute of his own. Producers assured him, however, that brother Marlin Perkins, legendary host of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom will receive a show as compensation. The network went on further to reassure him that actor Anthony Perkins, Diary of Anne Frank star Millie Perkins and Blue Suede Shoes Singer Carl Perkins will also receive their own shows.


They Me Tibbs-san! 04.15.97

Actor Sidney Poitier, who holds a dual citizenship with the Bahamas and the U.S., is the next Bahaman ambassador to Japan. Emissaries throughout Tokyo were thrilled with the news and the Japanese ambassador was already heard to announce to his staff, "Guess who's coming for Sushi?"

Modern Times 04.15.97

Eugene Chaplin, son of Charlie Chaplin, plans to build a $45 million theme park on the shores of Lake Geneva, claiming, "The project is dedicated to him." Currently known as Trampworld, it will feature highlights from Chaplin's life including a Victorian Children's Workhouse Daycare Center, the Oona Chaplin Commemorative 17 Year Old and Younger Singles Bar.

Man of Steel 04.16.97

Christopher Reeve, star of Superman: The Movie, Death Trap, and falling off a horse and getting paralyzed, has recieved a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Unfortunately, the Walk of Fame is not wheelchair accessible.

On With The Body Count 04.16.97

Rapper Ice-T is releasing a new album with his heavy metal band Body Count in which the hip hop artist explores his lighter side. Songs like "I Like To Kill, I Love to Cuddle" and "My Niggaz Ain't Afraid to Cry" prove that while Ice-T may be gangsta, he is still a person with feelings. Ice-T says he's really a clown at heart and the cut "Laugh, Bitch, Laugh" shows a happier side of life in the hood.

Cats In The Hat, or Horton Hears The Who's Tommy 04.16.97

The producers of "Kiss of the Spider Woman" and "Showboat" have acquired the theatrical rights to the Dr. Seuss children's stories and plan to develop a Broadway musical, or "Seussical", as they so cleverly put it. With the Cat in The Hat as chorus, characters like Sam I Am, Horton, and the Grinch will come to life as they never ever ever should have ever, with such hilarious song-and-dance numbers as "Everything's Coming Up Sneetches" with the lyrics "From the actors to the dancers to stagehand-doodle-day/Everyone in musical theatre is gay, gay, gay."

Starring Lance Henrickson 04.16.97

ABC has hired prominent American playwrights to pen "The Millennium Project", a series of made-for-TV movies using the coming millenium to explore issues. The series will air November 1999 and will feature Arthur Miller's "After The Fall, But Before The Apocalypse", Neil Simon's "Slaughter on the 23rd Floor", and David Mamet's "God Finally Gets Even For Your Sexual Perversity in Chicago."

Ernest Goes to Network 04.16.97

In an effort to get Michael Winslow work, production has begun on "Police Academy - The Series", a television spinoff of the "Police Academy" films. For the first time, no one will be able to say, "Man, this sucks compared to the movies."

There Are More Records Of 04.15.97

The State of Connecticut is planning to rebuild the Amistad, the famed slave ship featured in the upcoming Steven Speilberg film, and turn it into a floating museum and learning center. The price of admission will cover a tour of the schooner, complimentary beatings, and the systematic stripping of your cultural identity. Kids will get in free, and then be sold to other states.

Art Imitating Life 04.15.97

After being attacked, beaten, and left for dead by Yakuza thugs, Japanese director Juzo Itami has decided to turn the experience into his next film. Translated from the Japanese, Itami was quoted as saying, "Hey, you can't deny your muse, wherever she may come." Itami is hoping to be ass-raped soon, as he is plans to make a pirate film.


Some People Call Them Fake Tits, I Call Them Augmented 04.16.97

Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade and appeared in the film One False Move and the TV series Evening Shade. In a related story, Billy Bob Thorton is a talented man who will continue to work for a long, long time and Pietra is a stupid cunt whose only talent is having silicone breast implants. Fuck you, whore.

Another False Move 04.16.97

Pietra Dawn is divorcing Oscar-winning screenwriter Billy Bob Thorton who penned, directed and starred in Slingblade. Apparently, when she told Thorton that she was "going to put my arm around you for awhile, and then I'm gonna get up and leave," Thorton thought she was reciting lines from the movie.

The Main Event 04.17.97

West Hollywood will host "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. Strangly enough, the festival ended up honoring Celine Dion.

The Main Event 2 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans which the diva, unfortunately, did not attend. Thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, stripping off their clothes, screaming obscenities, and engaging in lewd and lascivious public acts. When they found out Barbra wasn't going to show, they were even more livid.

The Main Event 3 04.17.97

West Hollywood hosted "Barbra: The Third Reunion", the annual convention for Barbra Streisand fans. For the third year in a row, Barbra didn't show, and thousands of rabid, flaming fans took to the streets, rioting, looting, overturning cabs, spraying grafitti, and engaing in lewd and lascivious public acts. In a statement, local officials said, "We guess the pride parade is early this year."

Just Ducky 04.17.97

Venerable Warner Bros. cartoon character Daffy Duck turns 60 today. An aging and introspective duck spoke almost lovingly of his longtime adversarial relationship with B. Bunny saying, "Truthfully, I don't know if he wath really dithpicable. We jutht had a different agenda. Ultimately, I think I would rather be shot later, much later."

Typecasting 101 04.17.97

"Kissed" the story of a necrophile who gets a job in a funeral parlor has garnered tremendous accolades, despite its controversial theme. The movie stars newcomer Molly Parker and features Rock Hudson, John Candy, Brandon Lee and Jessica Tandy. The lead actor was originally to be played by Telly Savalas, but they wanted a younger actor and instead cast River Phoenix.

Croatan 04.18.97

Michael Knowles, a Roanoke man who wrote a letter to Ann Landers saying he was going to kill his ex-wife, is suing her for $100 million for publishing the letter. The case is slated to go before the courts as Landers vs. Disgruntled and Murderous in Virginia.

In The Boom Boom Room Service 04.18.97

A real estate developer plans to build a luxury hotel over the closed Biltmore Theater, sight of such classic Broadway shows as Barefoot in the Park and Hair. Hoteliers plan unusual vacation offers such as the Tradition! Package: a two night stay in a luxury suite with continental breakfast and the role of Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, and the most popular package, the Second Honeymoon, consisting of a weekend stay, free champagne, and marriage-reviving roles in the chorus of O, Calcutta!.

Brainsmashing 04.18.97

Teri Hatcher, star of TV's Lois and Clark, has been announced as the new Bond girl in Tomorrow Never Dies. In addition to slinking about sexily and talking in breathy tones, Hatcher will finally convince the superspy to reveal his true identity, that of mild-mannered civil servant James Bond.

Gill-ty 04.18.97

Vince Gill, country superstar and former lead singer of the Pure Prarie League, is divorcing wife of 17 years , Janis Gill, of the unknown country-rock duo Sweethearts of the Rodeo. Apparently, Gill was fine with Janis being a sweetheart with bronco riders and trick ropers, but being a clown's sweetheart was more than a man could take.

The Beautiful People 04.18.97

Creepy rocker Marilyn Manson is getting the support of creepy liberals, the ACLU, after a Richmond, Virginia, City Manager canceled a local concert. Manson's tour to promote the album Antichrist Superstar features live sexual acts and songs about mutilation. The City of Richmond claims that this is not a First Amendment issue, but that Manson's show will hurt their primary source of tourism revenue, Jayne Gein's Cocktails and Ribs, a local hotspot which features simulated sex acts and songs about animal torture.

I Thought It Was A Coming-of-Age Film 04.18.97

The parents of a 14-year-old movie extra are suing the makers of Stephen King's Apt Pupil for filming a minor in the nude without parental consent. The kid is filing a countersuit against his parents, claiming that the locker room shower scene was the best time he ever had in his whole entire life and he can't wait to sign up for gym when he gets to high school.

The Unreal World 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category, as is Jenny McCarthy, who, although technically not a movie, people will still pay eight bucks to look at for an hour and a half.

The Unreal World 2 04.18.97

On Friday, MTV announced the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards to be presented June 7 in Santa Monica, California. Joe's Apartment and Beavis and Butthead Do America are in the Best Picture category; Kari Wuhrer was nominated as Best Actress for her performance in
Anaconda; Denis Leary for his performance as the Best Chain-Smoking Angry Guy Who Stole Bill Hicks' Act in Two If By Sea; and Liv Tyler for Best Way To Be Hot Even Though Your Dad Is Aerosmith in Empire Records, Stealing Beauty, and That Thing You Do.

Kojak City 4.18.97

Fresh off the heels of his performance in Anaconda, rapper and nigga-wit-attitude Ice Cube has announced his plans to direct his first feature film, Player's Club. Homies from the hood are surprised that Mr. Cube chose Telly Savalas as the subject matter of his directorial debut, but according to bitches and hoes on the inside, Ice is a big fan of the TV series, Kojak. The original title Who Loves Ya, Motherf***er? was declined by the studios.

Imagen All The Actors... 04.18.97

The independent film Lone Star and the television show "NYPD Blue" were amongst the honorees at the 12th Annual Imagen Awards, which recognize film and TV programming portraying Latinos in positive roles. Actor Hector Elizondo was given a Lifetime Achievement Award, and joins past recipients Jose Jimenez, Speedy Gonzalez, and Cheech.

Suffer The Children to Come Onto Me 04.22.97

Nickelodeon's 10th Annual Kid's Choice Awards were held and top honors to Rosie O'Donnell and Jim Carrey took top honors for best movie actress and actor. Additional awards went to Roman Polanski for best movie director, the Frugal Gourmet for best TV personality, Michael Jackson as Entertainer of the Year and a special posthumous tribute to Allen Ginsberg.

Mark Your Calenders 04.22.97

Larry King has announced that Cindy Crawford will be filling in as a guest host for Larry King. For the first time in TV history, men will now have a reason to jerk-off to the Larry King Show.

You Say You Want A Revolution...How Do You Want That Prepared? 04.22.97

Julian Lennon, son of former Beatle John Lennon, plans to open a restaurant in San Francisco called "The Revolution". Some of the dishes to be served will include "I am the Eggman Omelette", "Norweigen Woodsmoked Sausage", "Sgt. Peppersteak" and "Little Piggies in Bloody Blankets".

Are They Showing Champagne Magnum P.I.? 04.24.97

The Recovery Network, a Santa Monica-based cable channel, is about to be launched, promising to be "the world's only broadcast network devoted entirely to substance abuse recovery." In addition to shows devoted to recovery, the network will feature game shows like In Debt, The $25 Thousand AA Pyramid and the dating show Buzzzzed, as well as daily showings of the classic TV sitcom, One Day at a Time.

Let's Ride The Acid Trip! 04.24.97

A businessman has purchased Yasgur's farm, the site of the 1969 Woodstock festival and turned it into a theme park. This will come as a boon to Melanie, who has been playing theme parks exclusively since 1971. While standing in line for the Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roller coaster, Crosby, Stills and Nash were quoted as saying, "This is our first time riding together and we're scared sh**less."

Gimme Two Up High For Peace 04.24.97

Stop the Gunfight, an album made to stop inner-city violence and recorded by a rap group featuring slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G., is due out next week. Since the dual tragedies, a few new titles have been added including, Too Little, Too Late, Great, Now You Tell Us! and Why Didn't Y'all Release This Album A Year Ago?

Stop! In The Name of All That’s Decent 04.25.97

Diana Ross has plans to appear in concert with "3 Tenors" stars Placido Domingo and Jose Carerras at an outdoor theater in Taiwan. During a press conference, onlookers and fans were excited, remarking that Ross looked good for her age, but the Supremes had gained a lot of weight.

Captain Kangaroo Performed The Eulogy 04.28.97

Nancy Claster, the original Miss Nancy on Romper Room, died Friday. Reminding us all to "do be a do bee, and don't be a dead bee." Clutching a magic hand mirror, Miss Nancy's last words were "I see Billy and Sarah and my grandmother, and a really bright light."

Lesbo Out To The Lobby 4.29.97

Tonight, Ellen Degeneres, who recently, to the surprise of no one, came out, will waste an hour of primetime programming with Ellen: The Episode, the most overhyped outing in the history of closetry. For the last six months, the American press has been all a-titter over whether Ellen would come, when she would come out, and who would she come out with. Now that it's all over, they can put all this behind them and get back to such issues as: Mobutu, Dictator, sure? But is he gay?; Timothy McVeigh, What does "army buddy" imply?; and What's that $300,000 Dole gave Gingrich really for?

In other entertainment news, Volcano was number one at the box office this weekend. The movie stars Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche, who in real life is all over Ellen like lava on Wilshire Boulevard.

The first two nights of ABC's 6 hour adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining did a disappointing 18% in the ratings. Executives improvised and quickly reshot the ending, to have the beleagured wife reveal that she is gay and run off with a lesbian spirit who was murdered in room 217 with an axe.

Ivan Reitman, producer of the upcoming romantic comedy 6 Days, 7 Nights starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche, was startled at Heche's announcement that she was gay and commented, "I think she is probably bisexual...She's gone out with all kinds of guys." Some of those guys include Richard Gere, John Travolta, Keanu Reeves and Richard Simmons.
Trent Steven Fouts, accused of child molestation and murder, was captured by Albequerque police moments after being the subject of a segment of Unsolved Mysteries. The arrest marks the 150th fugitive capture for the show, which was almost as exciting as the revealtion that host Robert Stack ahd a homosexual relationship in college, which was recreated on a special Lost Loves episode of the show.

And finally, Ellen's interview on 20/20 was watched by 19.5 million viewers. This is the largest numbers the show has enjoyed since February 21, when Hugh Downs came out.

Some People Call It A Roller Ball, I Call It A Ball Point 04.29.97

Academy Award winnner Billy Bob Thornton is currenlty shopping his memoirs for $1 million. The memoirs, tentatively entitled My Balls in a Sling Blade will contain early childhood memories, lyrics to some of his country western songs and the transcripts of his divorce proceedings.

Chin Up, Bucko...Oh... 04.30.97

Jay Leno expressed dissappointment that he was not included on Entertainment Weekly's list of the Funniest 50 people alive, saying, "Oh well, I didn't slit my wrists." Insiders speculate that this might have been a good career move, as Leno would then have been a contender for the Funniest 50 People Who Are Dead", placed between George Jessel and Waylon Flowers and Madam.

The Kids Are Alright...For Now 04.30.97

Michael Jackson will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month in Cleveland. The superstar wants his award to be showcased along with Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers, the Runaways, and the Young Rascals. He's rumored to be anxiously awaiting the induction of BoyzIIMen.

We Didn’t Get This Problem With Ishtar 04.30.97

The United Arab Emirates announced it has lifted a ban on the Oscar-winning film The English Patient after five scenes were censored. The slightly re-tooled plot now revolves around an Israeli agent who falls in love with an Arab woman and renounces his Judaism to join in the holy fight against the "infidels" who have encroached on their holy land and then gets burned to death in a tent fire during the haj.

He Ain’t Frugal In All Areas 05.01.97

Five more young men have come forward accusing Jeff Smith, the Frugal Gourmet, of sexually molesting them when they were teenagers. Smith was not available for comment, as he was working on his new cookbooks, "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks in Prison", "The Frugal Gourmet Cooks for the Vienna Boys Choir" and "The Frugal Gourmet's Boy Scout Cookbook."

Coming In America 05.02.97

Eddie Murphy was arrested Friday morning for soliciting an alleged transsexual prostitute. As it turns it, the versatile Murphy was playing both roles, as well as that of the arresting officer, as part of his new film, The Nutless Professor.

Who Will Play Sharon Tate? 05.02.97

Roman Polanski will be directing the musical version of his 1967 film, The Fearless Vampire Killers, entitled Dance of the Vampires. All shows will be childrens' matinees.

Up, Up, And Away 05.02.97

ABC Television has pulled "Lois & Clark: The New Adventure of Superman" from their Saturday night lineup for "re-tooling." New ABC Head of Programming, Lex Luthor, assures viewers that this is only the beginning. "Before I'm through with them, they'll be on Sunday mornings, playing opposite 'Lamp Onto My Feet' They'll rue the day they met me! Hahahahahahahahaha!"

In a related story, Teri Hatcher, star of "Lois & Clark" and the most downloaded celebrity on the Web, is pregnant. While this has prompted a downsurge in hits at alt.celebrities.nude.binary, it has caused an upswing in visits to alt.pregnant.nudecelebs.

The Digital Revolution Will Not Be Televised 05.02.97

Time Warner is canceling its interactive television channel, the Full Service Network, after only two years. Apparently, customers were not impressed with the "full service interactive" options, which included the ability to order a movie on demand. Time Warner is considering revamping the network and re-titling it PAY-PER-VIEW!

Ethics in Broadcasting 05.02.97

Anchor Carol Marin has quit Chicago's WMAQ-TV after the station hired former tabloid talk-show host Jerry Springer to do commentary. Apparently, Marin was excited by the prospect of an opening in daytime TV.

Just Wondering 05.02.97

An estimated 42 million viewers tuned in Wednesday night to watch Ellen come out. According to fag statistics, 4.2 million of them would be gay, which indicates that some 38 million Americans are at least "curious."

Damn Right I Got The Blues 05.02.97

The Blues Foundation handed out the 18th Annual WC Handy Awards Thursday night in Memphis to those individuals who have kept the blues alive. Unfortunately, none of the nominees showed up as they were too depressed, melancholy and downtrodden to attend.

A Sort of Homecoming 05.02.97

The righteously-indignant Irish rock band U2 is laying tracks for its first new album in four years. In an effort to further alienate any fans of the band’s earlier music, the new album plans to cash in on the techno-dance sound. While the beats will be phat, Bono still plans to run his trap about social concerns he’s only half-aware of. Furthermore, REM and Sinead O’Connor are irritating, too, and, even though he hasn’t said a goddamned thing about trees or peace, Seal can go fuck himself.

I’m An Asshole 05.02.97

With the success of his Apostle Pictures, actor-comic Denis Leary can now add “producer” to his hyphenated title. And while he’s at it, he can take the “actor” and “comic” parts off.

Have A Nice Day 05.16.97

Sadly, comedian George Carlin’s wife and manager Brenda Carlin died this week. D’you ever notice you don’t seem to get laid much at a funeral?

Abracadaver 05.18.97

Sadly, magician Harry Blackstone died of cancer this week at the age of 62. Mourners at his funeral were shocked and outraged when they discovered that the casket was missing, but delighted when the priest snapped his fingers three times, said the magic word, and pulled the coffin from behind the widow’s ear.