July 1997

7/01/97

Uncle Sam Wants You and You and You. . .

The Army this week, overseeing a sexual misconduct case against Sergeant Major Gene McKinney, one of its top enlisted men, says it might seek to have the defendant's original accuser recalled to active duty to force her to testify. In a press release, a spokesman added, "She's been forced to listen to unwelcome sexual advances, so I figure being forced to testify is right up her alley...if you know what I mean."

French Honor Seaman

Thousands of people led by President Jacques Chirac gathered on Monday to honor the memory of undersea explorer Jacques Cousteau. Said Chirac of Cousteau, "No one loved Jacques more than Jacques Chirac. Your departure is a heart share. You're leaving a grieving. You're letting go a blow. So Cousteau, even though you must go, it is up here, as below, a slow, slow sorrow." Chirac then wept with the others (but for different reasons) and asked to be excused.

Diet Yourself

In technology news, a woman has lost 10 pounds in just four days. How did she do it, in a natural way, without cravings for junk food? She used a new medical phenomenon called Slender Secret and it's a juice therapy that takes pounds off the natural way- (Cheryl) Carl, are you pitching a product? (Carl) I'm not 'pitching' anything, Cheryl. I'm just keeping our viewers informed about the latest advances in weight-loss technology- (Cheryl) Carl, this is unethical. (Carl) Christ, a guy wants a little walking around money.

Billion-err?

Billionaire and Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen exercised his option to buy the Seattle Seahawks Monday for roughly $200 million. Allen then unveiled plans to change the team's name, faces, and identities; installing electricity sockets into their pelvises, thus creating a kindred of human conduits that will power the ensuing regiment of conquering androids. "These flesh-plugs will serve Microsoft well," lisped Allen in his trademark pansy-like whine. "I shall rival only pinkish tanned and off-white messiah Bill Gates in my duplicity!"

Whopper Topper?

McDonald has introduced a new sandwich, called the Quarter Pounder Big and Tasty, which sells for 99 cents and includes lettuce, tomato and mayonnaise. A McDonalds' spokesman said, "I understand it's a good burger. It may sound a lot like a whopper but it is different. We put the charbroiled stripes on the bun, not the burger. So it looks like the thing is in prison."

Ghost Writer?

According to a report from actress and friend Marsha Mason, screenwriter Gary DeVore has been missing without a trace since Friday. Gary's wife, Wendy, is offering a $10,000 reward for the writer of Raw Deal, Passenger 57, Timecop and Sudden Death. Police say they haven't found a clue, but add with a list of movie credits like his, it was only a matter of time before he disappeared.

"Crook" Chased From L.A.

The syndicated talk show "Crook and Chase" is heading back to the rundown shanty it crawled out of after a four-month sojourn in Los Angeles that left the hillbilly show bleeding from its mouthful of missing teeth. While it landed a morning slot in Los Angeles, it never managed to break into New York and other major markets that it couldn't spell if you gave it an atlas.

Sound Bites

Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness Monday in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomist Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"

Rounding First

Seattle Mariners superstar Ken Griffey Jr. was the top vote-getter in the All-Star Game, earning his eighth consecutive appearance with 3,514,340 votes. Griffey, who has been on injured reserve, unable to throw a ball for the last nine days due to filling out 3,514,220 All Star ballots, said, "I just want to thank that guy who filled out the remaining 120. Otherwise, I might be out for the whole season."

Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, coming to you live from the pre-Ryder Cup tailgate party. We’re boiling a few bratwursts and frankfurters in preparation for this piquant event, and my chums are hoisting a few pints in anticipation. But now on to your American football.

Ta plus Ta equals a congenial farewell from your unassuming footman, Chadwyre R. Dickens.


7/02/97

Jewell Of Denial

Richard Jewell, security guard and exonerated Olympic bombing suspect, said he has abandoned his dream of becoming a police officer. "I'm ruined," he said. "No police chief wants someone working for them that has had the press that I've had." Police chiefs receiving Jewell's employment application said that, no, they just couldn't hire him due to the excessive costs of widening all the precinct's halls and doorways.

Reshoot

Police have revisited the house where JonBenet Ramsey was killed to re-photograph some areas and conduct "role-playing" to test various scenarios. "You should see Jerry when he puts on the summery hat and the lipstick and dances around. I swear, he could win a beauty pageant," said one proud investigator, his round face beaming with pride.

It's A Gas, Gas, Gas

Scientists at the Minneapolis Veterans Administration Hospital are studying what causes flatulence odor and what can be done to eliminate it. Dr. Michael Levitt revealed that the study has been revealing that, "With flatulence, generally you will find, whomever is the person that smelt it proves (in the majority of cases) to be the person who, in actuality, dealt it." The project has taken five times as long as expected due to the high turnover rate among the researchers, one of whom said, "Sure, the benefits are great, but my eyes were always burning and I couldn't get the smell out of my ties."

Changing Their Tuna

Star-Kist foods said this week that, due to restructuring, it will be forced close a plant and about 400 jobs will be lost. "Unfortunately, I had to say 'Sorry Charlie' to many of my workers," said a plant manager, "Nobody really seemed to appreciate my little joke."

Clothes Line

In-line clothing maker Senate, designer of shirts bearing the messages "Destroy All Girls" and "Wife Beater," expressed disappointment that stores were returning its clothes this week. Company co-founder Arlo Eisenberg told reporters that he didn't know what all the fuss was about, all the while fervently preparing his new line of "Smile If You're Not A Jew" T-shirts and the "Didn't I Poop On You Once?" sunvisors.

Covering Up A Hickey

William "Are you sure he's not dead" Hickey, who got an Oscar nomination for his portrayal of a Mafia don in Prizzi's Honor, died for the first time at the age of 69. A spokesman for the family said, "Please stop asking us if he's still alive. The answer is now official...NO."

Dropping Anchor

It was announced this week that L.A. news anchor Lisa McCree will replace Joan Lunden as co-host of ABC's struggling "Good Morning America" show. McCree says she's looking forward to the mixture of "news and fun," stating, "You're doing John Major one minute and John Travolta the next." Clearly McCree expects much play upon her arrival in the Big Apple, prompting co-anchor Charles Gibson to respond, " Nobody wants to DO us, Lisa. Why do you think we're 'struggling' so bad?"

Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

The Nevada State Athletic Commission has decided it will temporarily suspend Mike Tyson for biting the ears of Evander Holyfield pending its final decision next week. Tyson said he would not contest a fine from the Commission which could be as much as 10% of his nearly $30 million paycheck. "After all," Iron Mike added, "What's that, like 30 dollars?" Mr. Tyson needed to be restrained from becoming a chewing machine again when the concept of percentages was explained to him.

40-Love Hurts

There are only two American men left in the draw at Wimbledon this week and they are taking quite a ribbing from the remaining Brits. "Oh, Sampras," Brit Tim Henman has reportedly said to the world's #1 player, "if I meet you in the quarterfinals, I may make it difficult for you to win. But I must first advance to the quarterfinals, and that is a match I have confidence I will win, because, although he is a fine player, hence his invitation to Wimbledon, I believe that I am a slightly better player and I should win. Should. Don't cry, chap. I apologize for the relentless mockery."

7/04/97

Don't Go There

To celebrate the Fourth of July, NASA will attempt to land a spacecraft on the unholy planet of Mars. Especially miffed about this invasion are Martians, who for Martian months have been engaging in a furious Martian debate in Martian congress over building a huge wall to keep out non-Martians. "But who is going to do the menial Martian yardwork?" asked the head Martian, Martin Kennedy Martian, thus ending the Martian debate.

Hong Kong Phooey

Britain hands Hong Kong back to China today after 99 years of colonial rule. In what can only be described as desperate, Britain's new Prime Minister Tony Blair phoned Beijing and asked if they would take Northern Ireland instead. China is sending 4000 of its communist troops to ensure Hong Kong will remain free.

Coffee, Tea, or Me?

Rose Hamid, a Muslim flight attendant, is seeking a court order against US Airways, who she says violated her rights by refusing to allow her to wear a hijab, or head scarf at work. Meanwhile, Morty Schulman, a coworker with similar claims, says his rights were violated when his "stupid" boss made him take off his "Orgy Detector" T-shirt. "This is my religion," said Schulman, a devout apostle of Bacchanalia.

De-Prezed

After 2 years, the president and chief operating officer of Rockwell International, in a surprise move, will step down September 30, complaining, "I always feels like somebody's watching me."

Business Profile

Richard Love, head chef for the popular restaurant "Spago," has certainly invested his earnings well. In fact, he owns a chain of dance clubs! Love can even be found inside some of his clubs, dancing until the wee hours. His favorite dance? "I really enjoy 'The Jerk,'" says Love, first name Dick. "I like to Jerk often; in fact, as often as I can. In fact, sometimes I'll Jerk off until the early morning. My friend Jack oft complains about the quality of my dancing. He calls my Jerk awful. But my friend Manuel thinks it's stimulating. Anyway, I'm going to give my friend Willie a tug. He loves boats!"

Lassie Lass

Kim Basinger, in another sweeping attempt to combat animal cruelty, will be picking up 40 beagles at a lab in New Jersey who were going to have their legs broken for pharmaceutical testing. Basinger, star of such films as Nadine and The Getaway, has clearly been a dog lover for some time.

Film Awards Get The "Shaft?"

Queen Latifah won best actress for her part in Set It Off and Ossie Davis won best actor for his role in Get On The Bus during the first annual Black Film Awards. Unfortunately, neither actor received their award on stage, as the audience was so loud it was impossible to hear the announcements.

Hey, Where's My Shave And A Haircut?

Mike Tyson asked for forgiveness this week in a press conference, insisting in the eight-minute ramble that his edible assault was not uncommon in the world of sports. The rapist/probable-rapee then compared his attack to world-class sodomite Marv Albert, who killed two birds with one stone recently by biting and raping at the same time. "Marv's the best at what we do," said a repentant Tyson. Meanwhile, Albert responded by laying down the law, saying, "Anything below the neck belongs to me!"

Bowl Dips

Eleven years after winning a Super Bowl, four former New York Giants have turned to Arena Football, becoming members of the New Jersey Red Dogs, who are 8-1 and leading the league. Said Harry Carson, "I got involved because I love football. It doesn't matter if it's Pop Warner, high school, college, NFL or a crazy bastardized version played with has-beens and wannabes."

Carl: And now for our 4th of July Traffic Report here’s R.J. Knackman.

R.J.: Thank you Carl. Traffic’s not too bad right now, I’m in LA over the Hollywood Bowl for the Fireworks extravaganza. There’s doing music from Oklahoma… (SFX Fireworks)

Carl: You’re OVER the Hollywood Bowl, with the fireworks?

R.J.: It’s spectacular. I’ve never seen them this close, it’s blinding, almost like D’Nang in the summer. Hot. Sticky… I’m going in for a closer look.

Carl : Are you sure that’s a good idea?

R.J. (to pilot) Bring us in closer. I said closer!

Carl: R.J. are you there? R.J.?

R.J.: Charlie’s got his party hat on tonight…

SFX: Explosion

Carl: R.J.?

R.J. Hail Mary full of Grace…

SFX Helicopter falling and crashing.

Carl: R.J. are you all right?

R.J. There’s some slowing on the Hollywood 101 due to a helicopter crash, take surface streets. I’ll see you at the hospital. Back to you.

Carl: Thanks R.J. Flowers are on the way.



7/10/97

Disk Heads

Scientists say the Mars Pathfinder is sending back information enough information twice a day to fill 10 floppy disks. Project leader Matt Golombek said, "This is unbelievable-- we're like kids in a candy store." Unfortunately, this statement was all too true as several of the scientists' parents have been called to pick up their kids for stuffing disks into their pockets and trying to take them without paying.

Keeping Current

Florida's electric chair "Sparky" will soon go on trial after inmates brought up the notion that death by electrocution was "cruel." After the trial and Sparky's expected imposed retirement, Florida lawmakers will vote on the inmates' suggested methods of execution: death by nude hot oil massage, death by being given so much money that inmates grow bored with life and commit suicide, and death by over-consumption of Chile's baby-back ribs.

Road To No Hair

The underground organization Animal Liberation Front took responsibility for the release of 4,000 minks. Most of the minks where recaptured but many were found dead along the highway with little "A Ride To Minkville Would Be Nice" and "If You're Going To Minktropolis, My 278 Friends And I Could Sure Use A Ride" signs.

This Story Is McFake

McDonald's has said that it will decentralize its U.S. operations into five geographic areas and announced the retirement of Ronald McDonald, their clowny spokesman for the last ninety years. McDonald's will introduce their new mascot, Jimmy the Devil, on Halloween of 1997. "We will scare you and your kids into eating at McDonald's," said a spokesman, "If you don't eat at McDonald's, you will die. I will make sure of that. Just try me."

Cabin Fever

British Airways cabin crews went on strike, leaving more than 25,000 passengers stranded and forcing the airline to cancel more than half of its flights. Representatives for BA said it hopes to increase its available flights by 20%, but Transport and General Workers Union rep. Andrew Murray said, "Twenty percent of very little is not much."

Predictably, he went on to say that 20% of some is more, and that 20% of plenty is lots."

Another One?

Inspired by Ellen Degeneres, former Who's The Boss child star Danny Pintauro has announced that he is gay. The entertainment industry was shocked by the announcement, surprised that Danny Pintauro could convince a reporter to actually come to his home when his homosexuality was never really in question.

Duck Season

The four-year-old critic's favorite "Duckman" has been cancelled by the USA network, but "fans" shouldn't panic. The show will be picked up by UPN, who also bought the rights to the film "Howard the Duck" for it's much hyped "Ducks that Suck" Sunday night line-up, hosted by Jon "Duckie" Cryer.

Wicked Slice

Golfer Laura Davies is one of the favorites at the U.S. Women's Open which has begun in Cornelius, Oregon. However, Davies sliced a big gash in her left index finger while slicing bread. "I thought I had the sharp side cutting the bread," said Davies in a phone interview where it was difficult to understand her until she was told to turn the receiver around so the noisy part was by her ear.

Boone "ies"


The Kansas City Royals, currently nine games back in the American League Central, have fired manager Bob Boone. Bob Boone now has plans to head up to the mountains, build himself a house out of sticks, and sit and stew, forever remembering his lifetime record of 181-206 with the Royals.

TIMMY

Bob? Bob Boone? I can't believe I found you! Look at you, man! Get yourself cleaned up! There's another baseball team interested in someone managing them to a sub-.500 record!

BOONIE

I like it here. It's quiet. I've got everything I need. Everything. Everything...except...except a baseball team to drive into mediocrity. Let's go!

This playlet presented by the Bob Boone 25 Games Under .500 Players.

7/11/97

Don't Rain Bullets On My Parade

As England sends 500 more troops to Northern Ireland, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced, " I am not going to give up on Northern Ireland. I am going to carry on searching for a solution." He and his cabinet will consider one of two plans: another Protestant parade in a Catholic area, this time with better floats OR reemploy the old starvation tactics, lowering the IRA's blood sugar so their aim is off.

Mars Attracts

In Mars news, the Sojourner exploration vehicle found unmistakable signs of the ancient presence of water, proving that the earth is in grave danger from deadly blood-sucking Martians, who are carefully walking behind the camera on their god-forsaken planet.

Rep. Off

U.S. Rep. Steve Schiff cannot return to work this week as planned because he is still feeling the effects of 35 radiation treatments. "I'll be back to work next week," a 137 foot Schiff told the press, sipping from a lake.

Electric Avenue

Toyota will unveil a new electric car which should not be driven with wet hands. Also, mothers all over the world encourage would-be owners to not flick the switch on and off, over and over, as each time you do that, it costs a penny.

Super Mario Profits

Nintendo has set a new sales record this week with the release of Star Fox 64. The game, selling 300,000 copies in its first week, beats the former record holder, Super Mario 64, at 200,000 copies. A Nintendo spokesperson said, "We're as pleased as can be. This means that 300,000 more American children won't learn to read."

Boneheads

Stanley Howse, a.k.a. "Flesh," member of the Grammy Award-winning rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, was arrested in Los Angeles Friday for possession of illegal explosives. Officers say they were tipped off by the fact that Howse kept saying that he was "da bomb," prompting their search. "We next plan on investigating claims that L.L. Cool J's mother persuaded him to enter into an altercation," said the enterprising officers.

Thai One On

A spokesman for the Professional Comedians Association of Thailand says the government will begin strict ruling on being impolite onstage. Especially barred are: obscene language, physical humor in which pain is implied, and being disrespectful to a colleague's parents. Still allowed: "America, What a Country" jokes, anything about Pol Pot, and jokes that begin "So there's 82 people on this raft..."


Whipped Cream, Forcible Sodomy, and Other Delights

Prosecutors say they plan to use DNA evidence against NBC sportscaster Marv Albert when they try him on forcible sodomy charges in September. Albert has provided the court with hair, saliva and blood samples in compliance with the court order. However, preliminary hair results taken from his "glorious mane" allegedly clear Albert and identify the attacker as a 3-year-old colt named "Smidgen."

Chew On This

The Nevada Athletic Commission has revoked Mike Tyson's boxing license, a decision Tyson has stated he would accept. Tyson did accuse the Nevada Gaming Commission of "trying to get into the act" when they later revoked his fishing license after he viciously devoured a tuna fish sandwich at lunch.