Please Hammer, Don't Hurt Them 11.01.96
The Justice Department has began proceedings against a 74-year-old Michigan man, Ferdinand Hammer, who was alleged to have been a camp guard during World War II for the Nazis. Residents became suspicious when they noticed that Hammer had installed guard towers and barbed wire in front of his trailer. Eli Rosenbaum, head of the Justice Department's Nazi-hunting Office of Special Investigators, seems excited at the prospect of turning that mother out, because up till now he couldn't touch him. Hammer has been living in Michigan since 1963 without raising suspicions. One possible explanation for this: he was living in Michigan!
Ferdinand was a guard at the infamous Auschwitz death camp and is reportedly a big fan of former Detroit Piston Bill Lambeer. In his defense, Ferdinand is reportedly a peaceful Nazi who really likes roses. Department officials say it will be Hammer's choice as to which country he will be exiled to. France and Poland are said to be at the top of his list. Should he choose France, this will go a long way to evening the score for introducing the art of mime to the rest of the world.
The Man with the Golden Knife 11.05.96
"Why don't you come over to my place and party?" No, this isn't the pick up line I use at Friday night happy hours at Gecko's in Redondo Beach, heh, heh, it's the continuing saga of O.J.: The Civil Trial.
A cute little innocent 18-year-old high school senior claims Simpson invited her to a Halloween party last Thursday. The youngster turned him down, even though nothing could make your Halloween more frightening than spending it with O.J.. Do you think he dressed as himself?
As many as three witnesses are claiming that they have seen O.J. displaying other suggestive behaviors toward the blonde-haired blue-eyed courtroom Lolita, Amber McGrath, a paid intern working as an aide to the court's administrator. Other witnessed accounts alleges that Amber and Simpson accidentally bumped into each other. McGrath, the polite young girl, excused herself and Simpson said, "You can bump into to me anytime you want." Just be careful you don't bump up against his knife, Amber.
The last witnessed incident alleges that when McGrath bent over in court one day, O.J. gestured as if he were lifting her skirt. He then, according to a imaginary source, mimed like he was beating, choking and stabbing her.
Nuns Always get Trapped in Pairs 11.05.96
Two nuns were trapped in an elevator in Italy over the weekend. Sister Maria And Sister Rosalia got stuck between two floors when the kindergarten where the nuns live alone was closed for the Roman Catholic feast of All Saints' Day. The sisters were treated for hunger and thirst, but outside of being hungry and thirsty, they were found in good shape. Asked why they didn't just fly out the shaft, one nun answered, "We don't really fly. That was just a TV show."
The nuns were rumored to have asked God for assistance, "We spent the time praying and trusting in divine providence. Oh, and pushing all the buttons and screaming 'Help! We're trapped' until our voices were raw."
In a related story, a priest, a rabbi, and Nixon were trapped on a boat.
Toilet Humor! 11.07.96
You may want to make sure your important papers are in order before you use a public restroom in Sydney, Australia. When someone says, "do not go in there," you better listen. In eight days, three bathrooms have been blown up. The first targeted toilet happened at Circular Quay railway station, when a witness, investigating an explosion found the men's room on fire. Police found evidence of a bomb in the toilet cubicle as well as some rather ribald graffiti. Police are telling Sydney citizens, "Whatever you do, do not light a match."
Police have not found any clues as to who might have planted the bomb, although the famed Unacrapper is linked. "Everyone is pissed off, we want this person caught." said one witness. "The shit has really hit the fan," said an investigator, "I just hope this thing doesn't blow up in our faces." He, of course, was referring to the case, not a dung-filled latrine.
Breakin' Up Is Hard To Do 11.08.96
Some 10,000 Iranians marched Sunday to the former U.S. embassy in Tehran to mark the 17th anniversary of the seizure of the compound by Muslim militant students. The mass continually shouted "Death to America" (17th anniversary...that's right...I forgot that the 17th is the "death chant" anniversary). Parliament Speaker, Ali Akbar Nareq-Nouri, addressed the mass saying, "America is a bloodsucking wolf who was slapped in the face by us on this historic day. There can never be a friendly relationship between a lamb and a wolf." Alright, this is sounding like a bad break up between a guy and a girl. Is Iran ever going to accept that the relationship was never good? They still haven't gotten over us. Look, we've stopped calling you, yet we get messages on our machine from you guys all the time ("Hi. It's you know who. Just want to see what you're up to. You know, we're still mad. We think we should get together and talk this thing out once and for all.") Accept it! We are no longer an item. Move on with your life. Maybe it's time you started seeing other countries. We were serious about this restraining order. We obviously rushed into this whole thing too quickly, but we're old enough now to know that it was never gonna work. By the way, when we broke up, we left some of our stuff over there (mostly weapons and a Dan Fogelberg album), do you think we could get those back?
Time to Taint the Donuts! 11.12.96
A Dallas hospital has called in the FBI to investigate the case of the tainted doughnuts. At least 13 employees became ill after they ate doughnuts and muffins that may have been spiked with a rare strain of bacteria that had been taken from the laboratory refrigerator. Investigators feel there may be a hole in that theory.
According to officials, someone outside the hospital ordered the doughnuts and then sent an e-mail to the lab telling them to "Enjoy!" Apparently, the hospital staff had not read Alice in Wonderland, Sleeping Beauty, or The Young Poisoner's Handbook. Either that, or being incredibly naive and gullible is a requirement for employment.
A simpler explanation might be to avoid eating food from Deadly Doughnuts, the new shop across the street. Sure, their delectable treats like the E-coli eclairs, the streptococcus crullers, and boccilism Boston creme sound good, but anything that good must be bad for you! Investigators are questioning the baker at the shop, a tiny monkey who ignores the "employees must wash hands sign" in the rest room. The local police were on the case, but the hospital called in the FBI after the cops got sick from eating some of the evidence.
Foster's Lager 11.12.96
Patrick Knowlton is suing the government for $1.5 million for conspiring to suppress his testimony in the Vincent Foster case. Oddly enough, Vince Foster is not suing for having a bullet suppressed into his skull in an alleged suicide. A little advice for Knowlton: Make sure everyone knows you are not depressed.
The suit alleges that FBI agents used "psychological operations" to "destabilize and discredit the witness." Similar "psychological operations" were used to discredit Foster.
Knowlton asserts that he has been the victim of harassment since the day he received a subpoena to testify in front of the Whitewater grand jury. The harassment has taken the form of frightening encounters with strangers glaring at him and pretending to pull a gun. Experts suggest that Knowlton shouldn't be too worried. Soon enough they will stop pretending. On the lighter side, Knowlton is still alive, but shouldn't make any long term travel plans.
Kuwaity Tea 11.12.96
On Monday, a memorial for Americans killed in the 1991 Gulf War was erected in Kuwait. The 10-foot-high memorial shows the noble visages of men and women giving their lives for a good cause and is constructed completely out of rubber tires, 50-gallon oil drums and 100 tons of rationalization. The ceremony concluded with the audience being doused with sarin and a group denial. Servicemen were particularly moved by the eternal flame burning near the monument, but it was actually just a left over oil fire set by the Iraqis.
What The Doctor Ordered 11.13.96
U.S. heart surgeon Michael DeBakey has advised Russian President Boris Yeltsin to cut back on his drinking to just one vodka a day. Yeltsin responded by promptly firing DeBakey and ordered another case of Comrade and Mr & Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix.
Poleheads 11.13.96
Polish skinheads (notorious for their long hair), joined Independence Day demonstrations in Warsaw, Poland Tuesday. In typical fashion, the 1200 skinheads rounded themselves up, marched into the ghetto, and sealed themselves off.
Three Wrongs Don't Make A Reich 11.13.96
Press secretary Pierre Salinger will be standing by his story that TWA 800 was downed by friendly fire. If he's proven wrong Salinger said it would be, "the first mistake I've made since the 1930's or early 1940's," when Salinger apparently suggested that there was no way that the stock market could crash and that the recent upsurge in German Nationalism posed no threat to Europe.
Kill Me 11.13.96
The Clinton Administration is urging the Supreme Court to allow states the right to ban doctor-assisted suicides, warning of the dangers that doctor-assisted suicides pose. Like, death?
The Ol' Inuit and Outuit 11.13.96
The Wilderness Society wants to remove Alaska Republicans Sen. Frank Murkowski and Rep. Don Young from their posts as heads of Congressional Resource committees. In a gesture of goodwill, Republican leaders, who want to shed their image as environmentally unfriendly, will offer to take the legislators off of the committees and place them on the Let's Stripmine Alaska! Sub-Committee.
Injun Trouble 11.13.96
Government officials in Newfoundland are making strides to accommodate their Native American residents living in squalor off the coast of Labrador. Inuit youths on the island were quoted as saying, "We want to die." A typical government representative responded by saying, "Then, what's the problem? We've been trying to kill off the Indians for years."
They Can Take Our Rocks, But That Can't Take Our Freedom! 11.15.96
The Stone of Scone, a legendary rock that was stolen by an English king seven centuries ago, will be taken from Westminster Abbey, where it has been used in coronations, and returned to Scotland. The English will be replacing it with the Oliver Stone, prompting protests from many Englishmen who claim the Oliver Stone is too long, too boring, and historically inaccurate. Americans, who are not really involved in the fray, wholeheartedly agree.
China To Hong Kong: "Phooey!" 11.15.96
Activists in Hong Kong waved pro-democracy banners, one day before China picks Hong Kong's next leader. Demonstrators expect to continue their protest up until the transfer of power to China on July 1, after which they expect to be beaten mercilessly and thrown in jail.
East Meets West 11.15.96
Italy and Russia have signed an accord to jointly develop military hardware. The two countries plan to build multi-use helicopters, radar planes, and other new military arms systems. While they're at it, they will also develop a new dessert treat called Stoli Cannoli (which can be served on the rocks or straight up) and borschtetta, an appetizer made with Italian bread, tomatoes, and beets.
I Ain’t Fonda Hanoi Ted 11.15.96
Not minding his own business, media mogul Ted Turner has decided to follow in his buttinski wife’s footsteps and run his trap about our government’s policies. The Mouth of the South criticized the US for pooh-poohing the re-election of Secretary General Bhoutros-Bhoutros Ghali and said the US should pay its $1.4 billion debt to the UN. The United States, for its part, said, “Consider that rent, foreigners” and told Ted Turner that if he didn’t like it, Sherman’s great-grandson is itching to march.
Lycanthro-Pick-Of-The-Week 11.15.96
In the most pressing news story of all time, OJ Simpson took the stand Friday and denied he ever beat Nicole. The Juice denied that Nicole was frightened of him, that he was enraged when he smashed her windshield, that he killed his ex-wife and Ron Goldman, and in the most surprising denial, that he looked like an “animal” when he got angry. This has led to speculation from experts that Simpson may be a werewolf. “It sure explains a lot,” remarked famed paranormal investigator Carl Kolchak, “Like why he won the criminal trial. Clark and Darden just didn’t have any silver bullets.” In response to the accusation, OJ leapt forty feet into the air, howled, and moved to London.
The Birdman Of Alcatraz 11.19.96
Tony Silva, who was once regarded as the spokesman for the world's parrot population, was sentenced on Monday to a prison term for smuggling more than a million dollars worth of rare birds and animals. According to a police spokesman, "We got suspicious when we thought, 'Hey, wait a minute. Parrots don't need a spokesman. They're parrots.' "
Thou Hast The Right To Remain Silent 11.19.96
The Supreme court ruled yesterday that police who stop motorists for traffic violations are not constitutionally required to inform them that they are free to go before asking permission to search the car for drugs. Legal experts speculate that the Constitution may not require such warnings because cars weren't invented back then.
Denial's Not Just A River...11.19.96
A recent government report indicates that the British knew about Nazis killing Jews a full year earlier than was previously thought. They would have told someone, but they were too busy washing their hands.
Goldfishers Of Men 11.19.96
Lake Ellyn in the quaint Chicago suburb of Glen Ellyn has become infested with 350,000 goldfish. The unwanted pets, apparently dumped into the lake by bored residents, are destroying the delicate balance of nature within the lake and could wind up costing the burg $300,000. Unless, of course they hire that crazy college student from the ‘50s to swallow all the goldfish whole as a zany frat prank. That would cost the town only a case of Schlitz and the latest Dave Brubeck album.
Hello, It's Me 11.20.96
Brian "Kato" Kaelin, the former struggling actor and house guest of OJ Simpson, testified in the civil trial yesterday. Kaelin, who since the whole debacle began has made several television appearances and hosted his own radio program in LA, was asked to discuss what the famous three thumps he heard the night of the slayings sounded like. While this reporter was not there that night, I'm sure they sounded a little bit like opportunity knocking.
Ku Klux Klan-Tastic 11.20.96
In a case that cries out "Tort reform!", police in South Carolina are being sued by the local chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. A spokes-ImperialWizard claims that law enforcement officials tried to run them out of town by threatening them and spying on them. The lawsuit appears to be a case of copyright infringement since these are trademarked tactics of the KKK. The Klan is planning on filing another lawsuit against Louis Farrakhan for hating Jews, proprietary racism shared by a joint venture of Nazis and Klansmen.
All For One And One For Allah 11.20.96
An Iraqi professor was arrested in Lincoln, Nebraska for pimping his 13- and 14-year-old daughters out for marriage in an "Islamic ceremony" to two men at least two times as old as the young girls. The father, Salem Al-Saidy, couldn't understand why the adolescent girls wouldn't want to be married and forced to have sex with grody old men, and so was subsequently released on $10,000 bail. After this whole "misunderstanding" blows over, Al-Saidy is rumored to be planning to re-locate to Arkansas where he and his buddies can get some young hotties legally.
In a related story, Woody Allen announced he will be joining the Nation of Islam.
I Got An "A" In Foul Language Arts! 11.20.96
A high school teacher won a court settlement against the high school that fired her for letting her students use profanity in skits and poems. The teacher, Francie U. Charlton-Klinsky, said, "The fact that they fired me is b*llsh*t, but who gives a sh*t, everyone at that school is a bunch of a**ho*es." She was awarded $750,000 and plans to quit teaching and become the new host of the Def Comedy Jam.
Clinton Down Under 11.20.96
Hillbilly and president of the most powerful nation in the world Bill Clinton addressed the Australian parliament today. Clinton felt at home in Australia, a nation founded by criminals. Asked about Democratic fundraising tactics, the President compared himself to former Atlanta bombing suspect Richard Jewell. What they have in common other than a weight problem is unclear, but Clinton staffers are now alleging that it was Jewell who killed Vince Foster.
Flights Of Fancy 11.20.96
The FBI's top New York investigator has said that formerly-sane person Pierre Salinger's latest accusation about Flight 800 is "pure fiction, something out of a Star Wars™ episode." Nonetheless, Salinger stands by his claim that somebody he didn't actually know told him that an Air France jet had to make an evasive maneuver to avoid a missile on the night Flight 800 exploded. Salinger was not available for comment on the question of whether that somebody also reported feeling a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. TWA has discounted the FBI's Star Wars™ theory on the basis that flight 800 was a 747 and not an X-wing Fighter™
Battlestar Galactica 11.20.96
In a related story, related in the sense that lately you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another airplane on its way to a fiery end due to gross incompetence, investigators are trying to figure out why a small plane ended up crashing into a commuter airline that had just landed. Although they have not found the answer yet, the FBI immediately released a statement saying, "This is what must have happened to flight 800, there's no blood on our hands."
Con TV 11.20.96
ABC Television had to turn over the tape and transcripts of an interview with Whitewater witness Susan McDougal. Prosecutors wanted the outtakes from the recorded interview, but allegedly had to fight Vin Di Bona to get them, as he is rumored to be developing a new show with John Walsh entitled America's Most Wanted Funny Home Videos. The McDougal outtakes include such "relevant" bits of footage such as her impression of Newt Gingrich's mother, ten minutes of McDougal saying, "Oh...Are we on?" and some hilarious shots of Jim Guy Tucker getting a soccer ball in the crotch by a neighbor's kid.
Suffer The Children 11.21.96
A former church youth director who once taught a "True Love Waits" program has been sentenced to 12 years for having an affair with a 13-year-old girl. Evidently, the full title of the program he taught was "True Love Waits Until Age 12."
The Anti-Gay Nineties 11.21.96
Administrators at George Mason University have decided not to build the proposed gay student center, because they are afraid it will be seen as an affront to Virginia's anti-sodomy law. The Gay Center would have been located next to the Women's Center, which is next to the African-American Center, which is next to the Native American Center, near the Asian-American center, which is close to the Center for People Who Are Near-Sighted, next to the Short People Who Walk With A Limp and Have A Goiter Center. There was a center where all races, creeds, colors could hang out but no one ever went there.
The proposed center would be a safe haven for gays to avoid harassment and peruse homosexually-themed materials. It would not be a place where gay people engage in "sodomy" and recruit young people to join in their "chosen" lifestyle like university administrators thought. In a related story, administrators plan to shut down the women's center just because they feel threatened by women in groups of three or more.
School's Out 11.21.96
Eighth grade American students ranked 28th in math and 17th in science well behind most Asian countries. Surprisingly, Americans scored very high in English, coming in behind only England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, and China.
Plane As The Nose On Your Face 11.21.96
In keeping with the tedious and useless duties as Vice President, Al Gore met with relatives of victims of eight plane crashes, some dating back to 1983 to discuss concerns and suggestions about improving plane safety. My suggestion: stop crashing.
Secret Agent Men 11.21.96
US officials are trying to figure out what secrets CIA veteran, Harold Nicholson, might have sold to the Russians for an alleged $120,000. Among the vital national secrets that still require a huge CIA budget to protect are: the contents of McDonald's Secret Sauce, KFC's secret recipe, the secret garden, the secret Santa, the secret toy surprise in Cracker Jacks, the secret life of plants, the secret of my success, and most important, Victoria’s Secret.
Roman Holiday 11.22.96
An Italian military tribunal freed former SS Major Karl Hass suggesting he be tried in a civilian court for killing 335 in 1944. The Romans are busy rounding up a jury of his peers, but Josef Stalin, Andrew Jackson and Jim Jones, are unavailable, while Saddam Hussein, Moammar Khaddafi and all high ranking Bosnian government officials have not returned their calls.
I Don't Drink...Wine 11.22.96j
Emil Constantinescu was elected President of Romania, marking the first time in the country's history that a non-communist has won the post. They didn't break completely with tradition however, as the new Romanian President is still one in the long line of vampires. He promised to eradicate hunger, reinvigorate the economy, and to drink the blood of innocents to create an army of the living dead. Pictures showing the President kissing babies could not be published because all it showed were babies suspended in mid-air.
Not Free, Man 11.22.96
Last spring's 81-day Freeman standoff in scenic Montana cost the FBI over $7.5 million, creating one more reason to think we should have just shot it out. Believe it or not, they had to use some of the money to lease armoured vehicles because they did not have any of their own. Luckily, they were able to get a pretty good price from a local militia group.
Do You Havana Any Cigars? 11.22.96
Fidel Castro says he hopes the U.S. blockade on Cuba will be eased by the re-election of President Clinton. Castro said if the embargo was eased, Cuba could get all kinds of quality American products and in return he would send over more criminals and mentally-insane people.
Me Casa Su Pagoda, or Raise The Red Burrito 11.22.96
The Chinese and Mexican governments agreed to an "information exchange" to help fight drug trafficking. Officials from both countries are hoping that this new found relationship will open doors for exchanges of tangible goods like the proposed Jackie Chan/Erik Estrada trade. Negotiations stalled when an exchange rate between "Montezuma's Revenge" and "Kung Pao Colon" couldn't be agreed upon.
And The Coffee Industry Trembled 11.25.96
Graduate instructors are continuing to negotiate with the University of California system only a week after going on strike. Observers hope that the talks will avert another strike, which might cause a nationwide shortage of incomprehensible four-hundred-page analyses of "Ethan Frome".
The Greatest Show On Earth 11.26.96
The jury is still out: what's more of a circus, the freakshow outside the courthouse or the trained monkey act inside? Groups of people gather outside each morning shouting "Murderer, Murderer," while others chant "O.J.! O.J.! O.J.!" One group of all-women O.J. supporters were in attendance, shouting, "We love you O.J. We think it's sexy to be punched in the face. Kill me next."
Under the Big Top, plaintiff attorney, Daniel Petrocelli, lashed out at defense attorney, Robert Baker, accusing him of showboating. Baker pointed to Petrocelli yelling, "This is showboating." Petrocelli, apparently then screamed back, "You want to see showboating, I'll show you showboating," and did a lay-up, drawing a foul in the process. Baker purportedly responded by saying, "That's not showboating, this is," and sang a few bars of "Ol' Man River". With that Petrocelli grabbed a unicycle and started juggling while Baker balanced juror Ann-Marie Jamison on his head. Petrocelli agreed at that point that he was not showboating, but grandstanding. Jamison's participation in the antics gained her a nomination of "Most Talented Juror", but got her dismissed from the trial.
A Thanksgiving Riddle 11.28.96
If April showers bring may flowers, what do may flowers bring? Small pox, alcoholism, and four hundred years of genocide of the native peoples of this country. Ha. Ha.
Let My Giblets Go, or Standish’s List 11.28.96
Thanksgiving Day is here which means, of course, family, holiday cheer and Turkey Holocaust. Three-hundred-million genetically-engineered gobblers whose bodies are so bloated from growth hormones that their legs can’t support their own weight will be slaughtered this year. In a related story, preheat the oven to 325, remove the giblets from the turkey and place the turkey in a pan...
The Turkeys Come Home To Roost 11.28.96
One enterprising tom turkey has found a way to get passed over this Thanksgiving. He went on a hunger strike. “It’s less a political statement, and more a matter of survival. I figure no one wants a bird that weighs two pounds,” said the cocky bird, laughing all the way back to his roost. Seconds after this interview, Tom Thumb and his wife came by and purchased the bird for their holiday feast. Who’s laughing now, little gobbler?
Thanks For Finding Me Not Guilty 11.28.96
Thanksgiving at the Simpson house has apparently already gotten off on the wrong size-12 foot. It seems that even though The Juice was seen in his kitchen holding a carving knife and shouting, “This bird is mine...this is where gravy comes from,” he still denies that he carved the turkey and another turkey that stopped by to return a pair of sunglasses. A confused Kato Kaelin showed up at the house wearing a costume.
Croatoan 11.28.96
Police have decided to call off their search for the Roanoke settlers who mysteriously vanished without a trace in the 16th Century. Relatives have decided to call in experts on the subject of missing people. The first call has already gone out to Nick and Rob at 1-800-US-SEARCH. That’s Nick and Rob.
Words To Remember 11.28.96
Smoking causes cancer. Whole milk will clog your arteries. Some people who can’t digest cooking oils will slowly lose control of their motor skills until they have been completely immobilized, prisoners of their own bodies. Turkey contains a chemical that will make you sleepy and liable to get into a serious car wreck. Candied yams could kill you if you’re diabetic. Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Around The Globe: The Former Soviet Union and Candied Borscht 11.28.97
Still recovering from last month’s heart surgery, Russian President Boris Yeltsin celebrated Thanksgiving by doing nothing, because Russians have nothing for which to be thankful, not even their health.
Thanksgiving Around the Globe: You Say Segregation, I Say Apartheid, You Say Ethnic Cleansing, I Say Genocide 11.28.97
Mbutu, Xiang Zemin, Pinochet, Saddam Hussein, Gaddafi, P.W.Botha, Karazdic, Milosovic, and Netanyahu celebrated Thanksgiving by thanking Karma for not catching up with them yet.
A Brief History of Yams 11.28.97 Steven Hawking celebrated Thanksgiving today by proving that you can't uncook a turkey and calculating pumpkin pi.
Thanksgiving Tips for Boozehounds 11.28.97
Right off, don’t touch the oven. You’ve been drinking since breakfast and you’re in no shape to bake. However, this is Thanksgiving and what’s Thanksgiving without a little Wild Turkey? If you don’t have Wild Turkey, don’t fret, any brand of whiskey will do. If you’re all out of whiskey (remember, plan ahead -- a well-hidden bottle at the back of the linen closet is a necessity of life), just use rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, or nail polish. Skip the stuffing, the yams, and the cranberry sauce and head straight for dessert. The pumpkin pie looks good, sure, but what about that delicious rum cake? Just skip the cake part and you’ll be fine. Wow! It’s time already for your after dinner drink. Choose an apertif like a fine brandy, or if you’re all out you might want to consider Vanilla or Almond Extract or those rotted peaches in the crisper. Oh, these holidays take their toll, you’re bushed. A little nightcap, perhaps a Nyquil or some cough medicine, and then off to bed, because tomorrow’s the busiest shopping day of the year and you want to be sure to sleep through that since you spent all your Christmas present money on lottery tickets.
Snoopy Come Home...I'm Hungry 11.01.96
A dog-catching company, Mongolia's Noets Co, in Ulan Bator, claims a South Korean company changed its mind about buying hundreds of kilograms of stray Mongolian dog meat due to its high price (and not because the thought of that is just icky).
Besides being gross, this breach of contract adversely affects the South Korean restaurateurs who will no longer be able to serve up the Korean consumer's favorite dishes. Customers won't be able to order Boxer Boxed Lunch, or the Dalmatian Sensation, prepared 101 ways. Those with richer tastes will have trouble getting Puppy Under Glass, petite Fido Mignon with a side of Collie greens, and Llaso Apsa in Aspic. Deserts will even be hard to come by, Koreans mourning the loss of their favorite, Great Danish. Some of the restaurants will even have to change their slogans from "Food Fit For A King...Here King, Good Dog" to "Cats Are Where It's At."
The Noets Co. failed to live up to their end of the bargain because of the price dispute. The South Korean importer offered .20 per kg, but Noets wanted 0.50. Noets Co. shoots up to 60 stray dogs a day and sells dog skins to factories where they turn them into coats and car seatcovers, but even this end of the business is having its share of problems. Seatcover sales are down because disgruntled consumers are reporting that when they sit down, it feels like someone is sniffing their butt.
What Do You Give an Out-Of-Work Elephant? Anything He Wants. 11.04.96
In Bangkok, Thailand, jobs are scarce but if you're an elephant, jobs are practically non-existent. The elephant's livelihood, working in logging camps, was halted when most of the logging operations became illegal. With the forest shrinking and their jobs taken away, elephants are wandering aimlessly around Bangkok. And if you think the mess left by stray dogs is bad...
At one time, the elephant was riding high, a symbol of the emperor, but now the elephants have fallen on hard times. Sure, some have gone on to get big parts in such Hollywood blockbusters as "Operation Dumbo Drop," and "Larger Than Life," but most can be seen on the streets digging through garbage, drinking from hoses at construction sites and standing at the side of the road holding up signs that say, "Will Work For Peanuts."
Elephants had been banned from Bangkok two years ago, but you know how elephants don't respect the law. So citizens are looking at the positive: homeless elephants don't have to push their belongings around in a shopping cart, they can carry everything in their trunks. There is some concern over how the elephants will pay their bills while they are out of work, but it is believed they will "charge" everything.
The elephants have become a danger to some citizens running wild on angry rampages. One citizen, a G. Marx reports, "One day I woke up and found one rummaging in my garbage so I shot the elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know." We interviewed several elephants about the situation. "I have faith that the situation will get better, but I'll tell you one thing, I'll never forget this."
B-B-B-Benny & the Valujets 11.07.96
ValuJet's future isn't up in the air anymore. Since offering low fares, some as low as $19 one way, ValuJet took on 154,292 passengers in October. This number is down from last October, but usually when an 870,000 pound hunk of flying metal becomes so much food for alligators and manatees, sales will drop.
The FAA, after reviewing the airline and apparently missing the part about planes crashing, gave its approval to put the airline back into business. Since then, ValuJet has been offering low fares and other incentives to keep business booming. Their offer of two bags of peanuts instead of one is surprisingly quite popular with frequent fliers, especially the stupid ones.
ValuJet is using the numbers as proof that the public doesn't have anymore concerns about ValuJet's safety. It couldn't be that the public values saving a buck more than they care about the value of not being impaled with hot metal and having your rotting flesh picked apart by muskrats, raccoons, and other creepy animals indigenous to the Everglades.
Rupert Did It! 11.08.96
Ted Turner was receiving a career achievement award at the International Documentary Awards show when a fire alarm interrupted the big event. As the alarm rang, Turner shouted, "It's Murdoch! Murdoch strikes again." Several of those in attendance felt that maybe it's time Ted went back on the Prozac, and while that may be true, Turner was just reacting to the ongoing tiff between the two media giants.
The feud started when Murdoch launched his Fox News Network competing directly with Turner's CNN. Soon after that, Murdoch's house was mysteriously toilet-papered and covered with eggs. Then Turner received endless phone calls asking to speak with Mike Hunt, Heywood Djablome, Dick Gozenya, and Anita Bigwan, respectively. Next, Aussie Murdoch received hundreds of faxes of people's butts and then Turner got a Fed Ex package of a burning pile of dog poop. The whole thing got a little weirder when Murdoch's bed was shortsheeted, Turner woke up with his hand in a bucket of tepid water having had a little accident, and Murdoch's shoestrings were tied together while giving a press conference. The straw that broke the camel's back was the "Kick Me" sign taped to Jane Fonda's shirt, although it is rumored that Ted Turner did giggle under his breath. A temporary truce was called, but was broken recently when Murdoch was implicated in a $150 million tax evasion scheme, ha ha. The saga continues.
?Tienes Frutas Por Favor? 11.12.96
Consumers may be suffering from higher banana prices soon as a result of protests being held by Palestinian farmers in the West Bank town of Jericho. According to banana grower, Mazen Barakat, the Palestinian government is preventing them from exporting bananas leaving much of the produce to rot. In response to his complaints a Palestinian leader said, "Barakat-Barakat Banana-fanna-fo-Farakat, fee-fi fo-Farakat-Barakat!"
Angry farmers have been throwing bananas off trucks and running over them to protest the trade polices of Israel. They couldn't stay mad long, however, as thousands of Israeli clowns following the trucks slipped and fell on the bananas leading to laughs all around. The laughter didn't last long, however, when a local monkey coalition showed up to protest the destruction of the bananas, a staple in their diet. The monkeys protested the banana destruction by eating mites off each other's heads and throwing feces at the banana truck. Although the smashed bananas have caused some problems, it is thought the financial hardships can be offset by increased daiquiri mix export.
Hey You Little Dickens! 11.12.96
A new study by the International Labor Organization revealed that 250 million children are working full time in many developing nations. Of that number, 61 percent of child workers can be found in Asia, 32 percent in Africa and 7 percent in Kathie Lee's basement.
A spokes-slavedriver for the organization, Ten Hour Days in Poorly Ventilated Factories Teaches Children Pride in Their Work, said "Great. So, what's the problem? These kids should thank their lucky stars they have a job. When I was their age, I had to walk ten miles over hot coals to school. I held down seven jobs, and each job only paid a dollar. One of my jobs was working in a factory putting the head on top of pins, so don't give me any of your sob stories! I had to sleep on a mattress stuffed with tin foil and a pillow made out of cement. My shoes were made out of paper and I had a hat made out of porridge. We didn't have heat when I was growing up, we had to cut open the belly of our pet dog and warm ourselves over his steaming flesh! So shut your little mouths!"
Avis and Andy 11.13.96
A class action lawsuit contends that five Avis Rent-A-Car franchises in the Carolinas have consistently denied rentals to blacks over the past few years. "They misunderstood us," said a company spokesman. (Not an Avis company spokesman, just a spokesman for a company chosen at random.) "It's not that we don't rent cars to black people. We don't rent black cars to any people. See, it's all a misunderstanding. You can go away now." In a related story, the Chrysler KKK Car (filled with premium Texaco gasoline) has become one of the most popular rentals in the Carolinas.
In The Black 11.13.96
Following a suit filed by six black Texaco employees to sue the oil giant, civil rights leaders are calling for a boycott of Texaco products until the oil company settles a discrimination suit. In response to the claim, a high-placed source stated, "Who knew they liked gasoline? We watched the Million Man March, we thought they enjoyed walking."
Perelman Smash 11.13.96
Financier Ronald Perelman offered $350 million to retain control of Marvel Entertainment, makers of Marvel Comics. A spokeshero suggested that Perelman, who also owns Revlon Cosmetics, should combine resources in the making of a new makeup line with products such as Invisible Girl Vanishing Cream, The Thing's Pumice, and The Hulk Green Eyeshadow, which often times takes on a grayish hue.
The Kid's Are Oil Right 11.14.96
Texaco profits have not been affected by its recent racial discrimination suit and the boycotts that have followed. Most analysts think the whole scandal will blow over soon enough because nobody really cares what black people have to say.
Oil In The Family 11.15.96
Independent Petroleum Association of America chairman, Lew Ward, is attempting to dispel the negative image of the oil industry set by the show Dallas by putting on new ads during the show's reunion movie airing Friday night. Ward was quoted as saying, "The 'Dallas' series did a good job of convincing the public that our industry is greedy and uncaring, which is simply not true." He, of course, said nothing about the "good job" the oil industry did in, "convincing the public that our industry is greedy and uncaring."
Plane And Fancy 11.18.96
Boeing Co. and Textron Inc. announced production plans for a commercial version of the V-22 tilt-rotor aircraft, an airplane that can land like a helicopter. Consumers hope this will combine the convenience of getting blown out of the air by terrorists with the excitement of being beheaded by a broken rotor blade. In a related story, some inventors of the tilt-rotor aircraft are alleged to be working on a new version of the Tilt-O-Whirl which will make you throw up even faster but is still not as fun as a roller-coaster.
Space Junk 11.19.96
Muzak will be beaming the music from Disney's Toy Story to outer space, where satellites will bounce it down to 2,000 Burger King restaurants across America. Observers have hailed the move, and hope that, within the decade, Muzak will figure out a way to beam its music into outer space and not have it come back.
Interhot 11.19.96
A survey of top advertisers in Britain reports that the Internet if the fastest growing medium to communicate with the public on just about every subject. Of course, back in 1890, they thought the telegraph was the fastest growing medium to communicate with the public, as did they about the radio in the 40's, the television in the 50's, LSD in the 60's, the CB in the 70's...
Toy Story 11.20.96
Good news for Mattel™. Barbie™ has been named the best-selling toy by "Playthings Magazine" once again. Barbie™ has also been named the toy that will give young girls the most unrealistic view of womanhood by "Oppressed Woman Weekly."
Got Taste? 11.20.96
Milk manufacturers are being forced by the FDA to change their labels. They have ruled that only milk with 1% milkfat can be called low-fat and only skim milk can be called non-fat. They also ruled that the labels on both of these types of milk must read "tastes like poop." The labels must also give an accurate percentage of finding the missing kids pictured on milk cartons...0%. Percentages of Bovine Growth Hormones are still not required.
Who Needs Books, We Got Cable 11.20.96
In spite of the completely unfounded fear that television would turn our nation into America, Land of The Illiterate, bookstores have flourished over the past couple of decades, racking up the biggest retail gains according to Audits & Surveys Worldwide. Even in recent years, book sales have made substantial gains sparked by sales of "The Star Trek Compendium", "The Friends’ Cookbook", and "You Might Be A Redneck If...". Spokesman for Audits, B. Oring said "See, Americans are not as illiterate as once thought."
Whatta You Think The Half Time Show Will Be Like? 11.20.96
The Citizens of Sin can expect yet another ridiculously over-indulgent attraction as financiers plan the world's biggest stadium, a 110,000-seat domed sports facility in Las Vegas, a city that has no professional sports teams. Outside of bowl games, the stadium will be also be used for flea markets, conventions, and as the world's largest $2.99 buffet. At sporting events, fans can expect scoreboard odds, programs/racing forms, and hookers selling peanuts, hot dogs, tasty treats, blow jobs, around the worlds, and beer. According to principal backer, B. Seigel, Jr., the first game scheduled will be defending champions Dallas Cowboys versus Sigfried and Roy.
Do They Have Cherry Cola? 11.22.96
Richard Branson criticized Coca-Cola by saying that if they take control of Britain's bottler, they will be too powerful, and his company, Virgin Cola, will not be able to compete. Virgin Cola plans to save itself for "the right bottler" until it is sure that Britain is faithful to the product. Some of us feel that while the cola is tasty, the first can is sometimes painful and often messy.
I Ain't Too Fonda Bhoutros-Bhoutros Ted 11.25.96
Not minding his own business, media mogul, Ted Turner, has decided to follow in his buttinski wife's footsteps and run his trap about our government's policies. The Mouth of the South criticized the US for pooh-poohing the re-election of Secretary General Bhoutros-Bhoutros Ghali and said the US should pay its 1.4 billion debt to the UN. The United States, for its part, said, "Consider that rent, foreigners," and told Ted Turner that if he didn't like it, Sherman's great-grandson is itching to march.
Valu-Bull 11.25.96
Valu-jet, the Chinese fire drill of airlines, was in the news again when one of their planes had to make an emergency landing at Orlando International Airport, because a passenger smelled a "smoke-like odor." A pale-faced flight attendant laughed off the incident, explaining it was the smoked salmon and smoked ham being served for lunch, as well as a child singing On Top of Old Smoky, a nun strumming Smoke Gets in Your Eyes on the guitar, the in-flight movie Smoky and the Bandit, and a bear in a forest ranger's hat telling people that they can prevent forest fires.
What Will They Think Of Next? 11.25.96p
A computer manufacturer has announced "Handwriter," an input system that lets users enter information into their computers by writing with an electronic pen on a cordless tablet. Scientists are hard at work on a development that will allow you to use similar technology while on the road; researchers expect to call their new device "a pad of paper."
Give Selling Out A Chance 11.25.96
Beat poet Allen Ginsberg dismissed criticism aimed at Bob Dylan because a Canadian Bank used of Dylan's anthem "The Times They Are a-Changin". "I hope he gets the Nobel prize," said Ginsberg, whose poem "Howl" would make for perfect ad copy. "I've seen the best minds of my generation enjoying a delicious soft drink." Expect Naked Lunch Specials, On The Road tire rotations, and Neal Cassi-decaffeinated iced cappucinos. Sigh.
Gloria Vanderbilt, Come Home 11.26.96
Competitors Calvin Klein, Guess, and Levi Strauss and Co. have put aside their denim differences to form an anti-counterfeiting investigation that has already closed down several factories in Guatemala. Strangely, Lee, Chic, Wranglers, and Sergio Valente will not be enlisted in the effort.
Attention K-Mart Shoppers! 11.26.96
There are 28 more shopping days until Christmas. In a related story, there are 35 more shopping days until New Years. There are 79 shopping days until Valentines' Day. There are 110 more shopping days until St. Patrick's Day. There are 123 shopping days until Easter Sunday. There are 146 shopping days until Earth Day. There are 159 shopping days until Labor day. There are 173 shopping days until Victoria Day. There are 199 shopping days until Flag Day. There are 240 shopping days until Darwin Show Day. There are 319 shopping days until Yom Kippur...And there are 394 shopping days until next Christmas.
Thanksgiving: Give It While You Can 11.26.96
Tomorrow, is the busiest shopping day of the year, and with only twenty-five shopping days left, you better head to the mall like you do every year and spend money you don't have on people you don't like. Here's a question: when did it become a part of the job to be someone's Secret Santa?
1-800-WHATTA-I-DO-WITH-ALL-THESE-LEFTOVERS 11.26.96 Every year, Butterball, makers of plump and juicy turkeys, offers its customers a Thanksgiving hotline, where they can get tips, recipes and share traditions for the holiday. SC Headlines and News intercepted a few of these calls and the following is a transcript of questions from various hotline calls. BBH: Butterball Hotline, Let's talk turkey. Caller 1: Do you cook a parakeet the same way you cook a turkey? Caller 2: Is it O.K. if the dog licked the turkey? Caller 3: My Uncle defines bad touches differently than I. Can you give us a definitive answer. We have a bet; my future capacity for intimacy is riding on it. Caller 4: I'm 43, should I still be sitting at the little table? Caller 5: My turkey made a sound when I tried to carve it. Does that mean it's undercooked?
Unbuckled 11.28.96
The fashion industry is abuzz with the unveiling of the latest harvesttime fashion trends sweeping New Amsterdam. Critics have praised the designer John Smith, saying his new pret-a-porter line is “Outstandish” and “Miles ahead of the competition.” A sneak preview at a Jamestown runway show shocked the more puritanical with the daring but modest gray, black, and white color scheme. For the men, big black hats and giant white cuffs were all the rage while fashionable aprons and white bonnets are what’s in store for this season’s fashion-conscious feminine religious refugee. For both sexes, buckles on the shoes will be a must and look for the gallows to make a comeback as a definitive fashion statement.
www.passthegravy.com 11.28.96
Butterball is offering on-line tips on preparing a delicious Thanksgiving feast. Visitors to the site can get advice, recipes and carving tips as well as responses to e-mail and downloadable pictures of nude turkeys
Swing Kids 11.01.96
A batch of previously unknown Glenn Miller recordings have recently been discovered and will be released next week. Sources say, however, that the recordings are just 40 more minutes of that goddamned riff from “In The Mood.”
Welcome to the Jungle 11.01.96
The music world was shocked to hear that Guns N' Roses will be breaking up. Guitarist Slash told reporters that he and lead singer Axl Rose will be separating because of creative differences. Specifically, Slash is creative and Axl is not.
Buzz Klipski 11.01.96
MTV, the cable network so popular with the kids, has just announced plans to broadcast in the Ukraine, a new republic also popular with the kids. In a move to hopefully loosen up the tightly-controlled airwaves in the former Soviet republic, the New York music television giant announced the news Thursday. Bill Reedy, president of MTV International, said, "It's the fulfillment of a dream."
The country is already filming it's own version of The Real World. Realinski Ukraine takes seven potato farmers and throws them together to live in one hovel. The seven involved are evidently already having roommate problems just like the U.S. group. Dantaski Kroshvici can't stand Grobov Schotznk. It seems the latter refuses to ever churn butter or tend field.
Also in production is Singled Outski. Unlike this country's Singled Out, the contestants will be bundled up in big coats and furry hats, not thongs and tank tops, but it still promises hip, sexy fun. Unfortunately, the host, Janusz Mikarthski, is not a little blonde hottie and former Playboy Playmate, but is, in fact, a former railroad worker who happens to be just as vapid and unfunny as Jenny McCarthy.
The Ukraine channel also plans to use one of its own celebrities to promote the new channel: Paulysk Shoreovsk, Ukraine's infamous "weasleski" will host the opening week of the new network. He will be out in his homeland interacting with the population through crazy games and nutty contests like "Waiting in Line For Bread" and "Hey, Alcoholism Sounds Good To Me!" The network is rumored to be launched with a special airing of "Yeltsin Unplugged".
Cry Me A Rivera 11.04.96
Geraldo Rivera will shoot his Rivera Live at the Scripture Cathedral in Washington D.C., the same location at which O.J. Simpson spoke to members of the congregation last August. In that speech, the Juice called Rivera a "buzzard" and "jackal" who "feasts on people's misery and death."
I guess that's better than what O.J does?
The show will be filmed in front of a crowd of 2,000 and will focus on race and injustice in America. Scheduled guests include Christopher Darden, Malik Zulu Shabazz of the Black Attorneys for Justice and columnist E. R. Shipp. One of the issues on hand will be whether believing in Simpson's guilt makes one a racist or just perceptive.
I Can't Drive 14/4! 11.05.96
Rumored Willy Ames impersonator Sammy Hagar is releasing the first single from his first solo album since being unceremoniously ousted from Van Halen. The Red Rocker will not be releasing the new song on the radio, however, it will reach the kids via the Internet. Hagar plans to release Salvation on Sand Hill on the Liquid Audio and Music Boulevard websites. Hagar is excited about this new window of distribution which promises to be just as rockin' as a live show, just a little bit smaller.
"The ability to reach an unlimited number of fans on the Net is something I'm taking seriously as an artist," said Hagar. I just think it's funny that "take", "seriously", and "artist" are used in a sentence somehow related to Sammy Hagar.
Hagar continued, "I have a whole new instrument for getting my music out to the people who want it." Once again, "my music" and "people who want it" in reference to the man who wrote Rock And Roll Weekend makes me laugh.
In response to the news of Hagar's innovative release, Van Halen will be releasing their next album without Hagar.
In a related story, David Lee Roth is announcing that he will not be releasing a new album available only by carrier pigeon.
Why Did Methusela Cross The Road? 11.07.96
In Jerusalem, comedy is serious business. Gil Kopatch is getting the ultimate heckle from ultra-Orthodox leaders, who are telling him not to quit his day job. Kopatch does a stand-up comedy routine on a Friday night program called Week's End. The religious leaders don't like the fact that Kopatch gets his material from the Bible. In his own defense, Kopatch said he, "didn't aim to offend, but instead enhance interest in the Bible."
On his show, the audience roars with laughter, but the leaders stare at him like Lot's wife looking back at Sodom and Gomorra. The Shas party, Israel's religious lawmakers, were especially upset with the comic when he referred to Noah as having a "600-year-old bulbul". Apparently, the Shas party doesn't like dick jokes, although they did chuckle at the bit about Moses' "rod and staff". Other potentially heretical gags that could have been heard on Week's End include:
Adam and Eve are different. Am I right? Guys, you know what I'm talking about!
Folks, something I don't get is Job. I mean, what's the deal with taking that much punishment? I'd be all like, "Guess what, God, you lose. Sorry, man."
Why was the rabbi depressed? Because he was Sad-you-see? Get it? Sadusee?
Ladies, explain this for me: what's up with Ruth?
In an effort to stop the comic protesters call "the wicked clown", the leaders brought Kopatch before parliament's Education Committee and threatened to bring down the government if the comic wasn't removed from the show. Some are comparing Kopatch to another guy who was simply trying to entertain the public, but then was hung on a cross.
Raise The Red Magic Lantern 11.13.96
As part of a crackdown on culture that doesn't promote "socialist ethics", China has accused a number of its award-winning film directors of pandering to "the judging committees for Cannes and the Oscars" and ignoring "ordinary Chinese people." The country has asked that Chinese directors stop pandering such pap as Raise the Red Lantern and To Live. Instead, they're being urged to consider more meritorious scripts such as New Bloody Fists of Exciting Fury, Bloody Fists of Furious Action, and the Active, Exciting, Furious, Bleeding Fists of The Kickboxing Chairman Mao.
A Bid Is Just A Bid 11.13.96
A film poster for Casablanca sold for $38,000 at Christie's Action House in England, which, incidently is exactly what the writers of the movie have received in royalties since the film opened. Here's looking at you, kids!
1,006 Germans Can’t Be Wrong 11.15.96
A survey of 1,006 German women found that while Michael Jackson’s music is among the most popular, the ladies would not want to bear his child, which leads me to believe that the German people may not be the imbeciles I thought they were. A separate survey of German little boys wearing lederhosen suggests that they too would not want to have sex with Jackson, but thoughts of David Hasselhoff had crossed their minds.
Who Gave J.R. A Shot? 11.18.96p
Larry Hagman, star of TV's Dallas, was honored by the National Kidney Foundation on behalf of all kidney transplant recipients. Hagman told everyone that he saved his own life when he stopped drinking. The event took place at a dinner in New Orleans, where patrons chose from Coq au Vin or Beer-Battered Catfish as an
entree, and a choice of Cherries Jubilee, Bananas Foster, or Rum Cake for dessert. In an effort to mirror Hagman's liver dilemma, party officials moved him to the front of the dinner line.
Sign O The Times 11.18.96
The Artist, formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince, and intermittently known as a symbol that looks either like both the signs for male and female combined or a cheap imitation of Zoso, is at the center of a controversy surrounding a $7,500 FCC fine and a Texas radio station on which the fine was levied. At 5:20 in the afternoon, KTFM aired Prince's catchy little tune Erotic City which focuses a lot on a particularly randy young man and his sexy ways with the ladies. FCC rules explicitly state that indecent material may not be broadcast between 6:00am and 10:00pm, which strangely enough, is the period of time when I hear way too many jackass deejays being indecently unfunny. The Artist has not commented on the suit, primarily because it doesn't concern him, and also because he is too busy spending time with his new child and recording terrific music to worry about a hypocritical government agency that thinks it's okay to air gang$ta rap songs about killing, but heaven forbid broadcasting music that celebrates sex. In a related story, I knew a girl named Nikki...
Six Degrees Of Filing For Separation 11.20.96
Well, my worst fears have been realized: America's sweethearts, Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson Lee, have announced that they will be getting a divorce. A distraught Tommy Lee is rumored to have sought solace in the arms of ex-wife Heather Locklear, who is now married to Richie Sambora, who ran to ex-girlfriend Cher, who was married to Gregg Allman, who was in the movie Rush with Jason Patric, who was in Sleepers with Kevin Bacon.
Cartoon Up 11.20.96
The Cartoon Network™, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Ted Turner™, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Time-Warner™, has announced plans to promote its cable shows at special cinematic screenings of recent family fare like Babe. The screenings, called "Matoonays" by the always-clever publicists who name such things,
will occur weekly at General Cinemas. Taking a page from TCN, The Sundance Film Channel has announced plans to promote its programming at a yearly festival in Utah.
Crybaby: The Letterbox Edition 11.20.96
Freaky cult film director, John Waters, is hoping to introduce his movies to a new audience by following in the re-release footsteps of freaky The Walt Disney™ Company™ by re-releasing a 25th Anniversary version of the freaky cult classic Pink Flamingos in widescreen release. Waters is apparently hoping this will lead to cashing in on the freaky movie-related toy business. Unfortunately, the Divine and Ricki Lake dolls will be more expensive because licensing the Jabba the Hut™ mold will be costly. Freakier cult film director, Russ Meyer, already re-released Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens! but the Kitten Natividad action figure only did well with freaky porned-out old guys who mumble and wreak of cigarettes and Brut™ cologne.
The Mirror Has Too Many Faces 11.21.96
Barbra Streisand and Showtime are teaming together to make a series of movies about non-Jews who helped rescue Holocaust victims. Streisand will be executive producer of the project and also has the option to direct and cast herself in the movie. Streisand will also serve as gaffer, best boy, grip, key grip, cinematographer, assistant to herself, and will cater the entire project.
Bury My Soul At Wounded Knee 11.21.96
Michael Blake, Oscar-winning screenwriter of Dances With Wolves, is penning a novel portraying General George Armstrong Custer not as the glory-seeking slaughterer of Plains Indians, but as "...a thinking, feeling person. He was extraordinary man." Who just happened to slaughter Plains Indians.
Blake went on to say, "He's a fall guy...Yes, he killed Indians, but he did what he perceived to be his duty carrying out the policy of the government." I suggest Oscar-winner Blake rent the Oscar-winning Judgment at Nuremburg.
It Will Be Replaced By The Tornado Network 11.22.96
The Popcorn Channel is off the air. The cable network that shows movie trailers has gone out of business due to low ratings. The limited viewership appears to be caused by the number of white trash viewers who expected the so-called trailer channel to be a 24-hour guide to mobile homes.
On The Road And Out Of Sync 11.22.96
Charles Kuralt, accepting the 1996 Walter Cronkite Award for Excellence in Journalism, said that the definition of "news" has been blurred by the desire to entertain and amuse rather than inform. With all respect to Charles, we at SC Headlines & News couldn't disagree more. What with all these informative news magazine shows -- Hard Copy, Access Hollywood, Inside Edition, A Current Affair, Extra, E! News Daily, American Journal, et al, -- we are not entertained or amused in the least.
Barney And Clyde! 11.25.96
An unidentified person wearing a "Barney" costume knocked on an unidentified woman's door, and, when she answered, the big purple dinosaur pointed a gun at her. The two exchanged words until the woman slammed the door, and the dinosaur drove away in a big yellow car. Investigators said that, though he was a thief, he was not there to steal money and that the woman was a writer of classic children's songs.
Pee Wee's Big New Venture 11.25.96
Paul Reubens, a.k.a. Pee Wee Herman, is putting behind him his 1991 arrest for *&%$@*%!! in a porno theater and putting together his own sitcom. The show is still in its genesis, but promises not to have anything to do with being arrested for *&%$@*%!! in a porno theater, an incident Reubens is trying to put behind him. The multi-talented Reubens will be following in the footsteps of such greats as Peter Sellars by playing several characters on the show. It is not known whether one of the characters will be arrested in a porno theater for *&%$@*%!!!, an incident Reubens is trying, unsuccessfully, to put behind him.
It's A Large World 11.26.96
Even though movies like The Lion King are doing huge business in theaters and with merchandising in China, the entire Disney corporation is being threatened by the political climate in that country, due to their involvement in a movie about the Dalai Lama. Because of this, the Chinese government has decided to open a rival theme park, Magic Mao-tain, "The Commune-ist Place in the Non-Free World!". The park includes a fantastic animatronic recreation of the beating of Chinese students, a roller coaster called "China's Relationship With the U.S.", and an IMAX presentation of the Chinese comedy classic, "The Last Emperor."
Taking It To The Hole 11.26.96
Porn star, Kylie Ireland, has issued a press release responding to Michael Jordan's press release refuting Ireland's accusations that she and Jordan did the nasty a few years back. Ireland called Jordan's comments "direct attacks on my character." Perhaps Ireland was referring to the character she played in "More Sorority
Stewardesses".
If Belushi Were Alive Today... 11.26.96
At the opening of the new House of Blues in Chicago, Illinois, a patron had his camera yanked out of his hands by Dan Aykroyd because he was trying to videotape a performance by Aykroyd and James Belushi as the Blues Brothers. Belushi defended the act by saying he was keeping brother John's memory alive...by paling in comparison?
Famous Thanksgivings in History: That's Entertainment, but That Amy Grant Special Is Not
1621: The Pilgrims are entertained at the first Thanksgiving by the Algonquin Round Table, a group of Native American wits
1883: A plate of white meat pretending to be dark meat tours the South singing crazy songs
1965: The Mash Potato is the latest dance craze
1971: A pretentious hippy band calls itself "Wild Turkey" and releases one album
1972: A character named Grady appears on "Sanford and Son". "Grady" sounds like "gravy"
1988: The horror film "Pumpkinhead" is released
1992: The Cranberries release their first album
What I Think Thanksgiving Is Like At The Baldwin House, or Man, I Wish I Had A Different Family!
'Tis the season for family and, next to the Osmonds, who better to represent the American family than Alec, Daniel, Billy, and Stephen. (Adam is never invited. Primarily because he's not related, although he looks like he his, but also because he's scary.) Thanksgiving at the Baldwin's is a veritable cornucopia of holiday traditions. The clan gathers at Alec and Kim's house, and after Alec slaps around a couple of reporters, he serves up the turkey. Billy and China Phillips arrive, late as usual, without Carney, who decided to stay at home this year because she really has nothing to be thankful about ever. Steven showed up acting all drunk again, but it turns out, he was just doing research for his latest role, something different, a crazy guy. Daniel would have been there, but they all forgot about him. And finally, the pinnacle of the whole celebration, releasing Stinky Baldwin, the fat, bald brother that no one talks about, from the attic so he can give thanks for allowing light to creep in under the door from time to time.
Algonqu-In Love 11.28.96
Respected military man John Smith has been romantically linked with local savage Pocahontas. Sources say the two are more than just friends and are hoping to continue their romance long enough so that a movie will be made about them that contains no facts whatsoever.
'Tis the Season to Vy For Oscars 11.28.96
Tomorrow, a whole lot of movies open that will make you cry because it has been proven that only movies that make you cry will ever win an Oscar.
Gimme an Unrealistic View of the World! 11.07.96
Administrators are really cracking down on the truly important issues at Naugatuck High School. Forget gangs, drugs, and violence at home, Principal Salvatore Catania has decided that the yearly tradition of cross-dressing is, "offensive, embarrassing and in bad taste." The principal (not Jim Belushi, but Catania) didn't further comment on what was wrong, dirty, and bad about other positive activities children engage in to discover a sense of self and otherness, but, believe me kids, they do have teeth down there.
Every year at Naugatuck, the cheerleaders dress up as football players and the football players put on cheerleading outfits, all in the name of school spirit. "It's something that's been going on for years," Melissa Bochicchio, a Naugatuck student, said. Apparently, Catania couldn't care less about tradition, about school spirit, or, for that matter, sexual equality. Catania said, "...we are making a conscious effort to respect people's sex." To the point where we refuse to acknowledge that they have one.
This doesn't mean the ladies can't still jump around and yell on behalf of the boys. The entire concept of cheerleaders isn't sexist, now is it? Nor is all-male football squads. And God forbid, boys and girls should have a working knowledge of each other. Maybe, if I was kept separate from the boys when I was a girl, I wouldn't have realized how much I hate men and I would be married to one, with 2.5 kids. I'm sure that would make Mr. Catania very happy!
Cocktail Capitol 11.12.96
Juwan Howard, the $100 million dollar forward for the Washington Bullets and former Michigan fab five member, was arrested for drunken driving early Tuesday morning in Washington D.C.. The arresting officer conducted several field sobriety tests including the "lay-up test" and "passing drill test" which initially didn't incriminate Howard because the D.C. officer hadn't ever seen Howard pass the ball to a teammate. It wasn't until Howard botched the "showboating after a meaningless dunk" test that the officer felt an arrest was necessary.
The wide spread publicity form this arrest has spurned several other fab five members to get in trouble with the law in an effort to increase their Q rating. Chris Webber has intentionally been apprehended while shoplifting, and Latrell Spreewell was caught holding up a bank, which has gotten his agent to renegotiate for a better contract.
Losing Football to Fox is Like Losing "Friends" to the WB 11.13.96
Yesterday, Sean McManus replaced David Kenin as president of CBS Sports. CBS spokesman said this will not affect the fundamental direction of the network's declining sports coverage. They will still go ahead with plans to change their name to "CBS Sport" and continue thrilling coverage of gymnastics, competetive darts, and bocci ball.
Big Ten, Big Losers 11.13.96
The Big 10 racks up football coach "resignation" number four as Minnesota's Jim Wacker "resigned", taking his 3-6 record with him. Wacker joins the ranks of Purdue's Jim Colletto, who finally won a game after he was "resigned", Indiana's Bill Mallory, who "resigned" because he wasn't enough of a hot-headed sexist chair thrower, and Illinois Lou Tepper, who was "resigned" for being outscored 53-1245 in eight games.
Strangely enough, the coaches of Ohio State, Penn State, and Northwestern will not be announcing their resignations, nor will they be fired.
You Mess With The Bull, You're Gonna Get The Horns 11.14.96
The Chicago Bulls extended their unbeaten streak to 8 games as they trounced the Miami Heat for the second time 103-71. This may force the NBA to reconsider the rules of the game: the Bulls can only use four players on the floor at a time, and Michael Jordan has to play with his hands tied behind his back.
The National Penalty Box League 11.14.96g
After a bench-clearing brawl between the Toronto Maple Leafs and Philadelphia Flyers at the end of Sunday night's game, the NHL handed down a total of $12,000 in fines. This has prompted Don King to set up a pay-per-view hockey game this spring with Holyfield and Tyson playing on opposite teams. Christie Martin and Jeremy Roenick will be the undercard.
I Left My Soul In San Francisco 11.15.96
San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown has apologized to 49'ers quarterback Elvis Grbac for referring to him as an "embarrassment to humankind" for the disappointing 20-17 loss against Dallas. Grbac accepted the apology and then threw two interceptions.
Our Lady of Perpetual Losing 11.15.96
Talk around the Notre Dame campus is that Lou Holtz might get fired and rumors are linking the dismissal to the South Bend, Indiana mayor's alleged comment that Holtz was an "embarrassment to Indiana." The comment has prompted residents, students and alums to ask for Holtz's job. Holtz didn't think the comment was that bad.
Da Weakers 11.15.96
In a related story, Chicago Mayor Richard Daley is rumored to have said that the Bears were also an "embarrassment to humankind", fueling Windy City residents to sadly nod their heads in agreement, to weep openly, and to thank God for the Bulls.
Aloha Means Both Hello And Goodbye 11.18.96
Officials from the University of Hawaii are desperately trying to figure out why a fight broke out during Saturday's game versus Brigham Young. UH representatives are meeting with police chief Steve McGarrett who says that the fight was probably the result of a devious plot set in motion by Wo Phat, but McGarrett won't be sure until Dan-O brings back results from Kam Fong's lab. If necessary, local private investigator T. Magnum may be brought in.
Madman of the Midway 11.21.96
Chicago Bears defensive end, Alonzo Spellman, is predicting that the 4-7 Bears are going to win their last 5 games and go to the playoffs. I'm predicting that Spellman will miss this Sunday's game due to a lengthy psychiatric evaluation.
Game Over, Man 11.22.96
The Bulls won their 12th straight game Thursday night, prompting the NBA to cancel the rest of the games for the season. All other sports have canceled their seasons as well, and the Miss World pageant, the Presidential elections, and the Cold War arms race have declared the Bulls the winner.
Fine, Fine, Everywhere A Fine 11.22.96
$64,000 in fines were handed out to 14 players from the Dallas Cowboys and Green Bay Packers after a minor shoving match in Monday night's game. Herschel Walker said the fines were out-of-line, "I didn't do anything. They said I came out onto the field, but I was already on the field because I'm on the kickoff team." The league then proceeded to fine itself while handing down fines to the referees for "excessive whistle blowing", five members of the food-vending staff for "aggressive hawking tactics", and the entire Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders for "being fine".
Moving Within The Rinks 11.25.96
Eleven bidders in nine cities report that they would be willing to spend $75 million for an NHL expansion franchise team to move to their town and, of course, leave a year later. The NHL was rumored to be ecstatic because they didn't realize there were anymore cities without an expansion team.
They Got Caught 11.26.96
The NFL has sued 19 bars, restaurants, and hotels in three states, claiming that they illegally "intercepted" broadcasts of Vikings games. Sources within the organization have indicated, however, that they're willing to settle out of court if the bars and hotels will come join the team, since they desperately need somebody who can make interceptions.
It's Raining Men-opause 11.04.96
The first study on the long term effects of hormone replacement therapy will be done by Britain's Medical Research Council. 30,000 women who have gone through menopause will be used in the trial. Imagine that waiting room... one minute it's too hot, than it's too cold. Too hot. Too cold. I've had my own version of hot flashes, but it had more to do with sitting next to Jennifer Aniston once at a Chinese restaurant in Soho.
The trial will be called the Women's International Study of Long Duration Ostrogen After Menopause or WISDOM for short. They wanted to call it the British International Testing of Chick Hormones but decided against it, for obvious reasons. The research will last twenty years with results announced in 2012. No hurry on that, fellas, I'll just watch the stray cats in my alley fight over table scraps in the meantime. One group of women will be given hormone pills, while the other will be given placebos. Those given the placebos will have to come to the realization that they were just being naturally bitchy.
Who is Killing All the Great Chefs in the Rain Forest 11.12.96
Say it ain't so! The world is running out of caviar. Just think: future generations could be without this yummy treat made from sturgeon's eggs. Caviar has delighted so many citizens of Planet Earth from all economic strata, and now it could be gone forever: The World Wildlife Fund reports that illegal trade and overfishing has forced the sturgeon population perilously close to the edge of extinction.
The World Wildlife Fund is comprised mainly of college students, limousine liberal do-gooders, and people who think that the cute panda stickers look fabu on the left side of the bumper, right next to the great "Visualize Whirled Peas" one. Usually when they say something is perilously close to extinction, they know what they're talking about.
"It's a travesty, we need to eat something rare and near extinction to feel good about ourselves," said Phil T. Rich, a spokesman for the wealthy fish-egg eaters. Rich has proposed that those who fear their dinner parties will be ruined when the caviar runs out need not fret. There are plenty of other treats still available for a limited time, "Have you ever tasted condor egg salad? Or Amazon tree frog legs? Bengal tiger makes for excellent prime rib! And you can get all these recipes and more in my new cookbook, 'All the Flavors of The Natural World', featuring beautifully photographed full-color pictures of rare animals in their natural habitat right before we killed them."
This Story Amuses You? 11.14.96
A study posing the question "Why are Americans ‘so angry, so ticked off about so many things?'" will commence next year. Responses have already been pouring in, including such insightful observations as "Shut your freaking trap before I slap it shut", "What kind of jackass would ask such a stupid question?" and "I've got a blade and I'll use it, man!"
Federal Reserve Without A Gold Standard 11.14.96
NASA has delayed the launch of space shuttle Columbia so they could accommodate the flight of an unmanned rocket. It's part of a new government program to eliminate jobs. They're also trying out buses without drivers, trains without conductors and planes without pilots.
Don't You Know, Haven't You Heard, Everybody's Knows The Bird Is The Word 11.15.96
Having nothing better to do, scientists have discovered that the phalarope, a small seabird, paddles in a circle to create an underwater tornado that scoops up brine fly larvae, the phalarope's favorite food. Scientists, using nothing but hypothesis, are hoping that this latest discovery will validate their long-held belief that landlocked tornadoes are caused by flocks of albatross, condors, and pterodactyls flying in circles to scoop up their favorite foods: cows, trailer homes, and Cary Elwes.
Adam And Steve 11.19.96
A jaw bone, the earliest dated fossil of the genus Homo, was discovered in Ethiopia along with several crude tools lending credence to the theory that 2.33 million years ago, the earliest humans used crude tools. The theory that mankind descended from a race of homosexuals (which is why men have nipples) was disproved when it was realized that the theory was actually put forth as the answer to an essay question by a student in Anthropology 101 who merely misunderstood the meaning of the word "Homo". The student got a B-.
And That's The Way It Is, Earthlings 11.19.96
Asteroid 1990 WA has been renamed "6318 Cronkite" after the veteran newscaster. Surveys taken immediately afterward revealed that it is now the most trusted asteroid in America.
Whatta You Think The Half Time Show Will Be Like? 11.20.96
The Citizens of Sin can expect yet another ridiculously over-indulgent attraction as financiers plan the world's biggest stadium, a 110,000-seat domed sports facility in Las Vegas, a city that has no professional sports teams. Outside of bowl games, the stadium will be also be used for flea markets, conventions, and as the world's largest $2.99 buffet. At sporting events, fans can expect scoreboard odds, programs/racing forms, and hookers selling peanuts, hot dogs, tasty treats, blow jobs, around the worlds, and beer. According to principal backer, B. Seigel, Jr., the first game scheduled will be defending champions Dallas Cowboys versus Sigfried and Roy.
Oh, The Humanity 11.22.96
Physicists have managed to generate anti-matter in the world's most powerful particle collider. Exactly what makes anti-matter so hostile is unclear, but it is thought that matter may have slept with its girlfriend. The particle created was anti-hydrogen, and scientists plan to use it to create an anti-balloon that will not blow up killing no one, leading to a reporter speaking with unbelievable calm.
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby 11.22.96
U.S. Health Officials say that the number of infants born with AIDS is down. Tomorrow they plan to release data that fewer infants are shooting up and more toddlers are abstaining from sex.
Don't Cry Over Spilt Plutonium 11.25.96
A nuclear warhead-armed Soviet submarine that sank in 1986 cracked open and spilled unknown amounts of radioactive plutonium in the Atlantic Ocean. Scientists say they are aware the warheads are destroyed, but are not sure how far the plutonium has penetrated into the ocean depths. They think it's somewhere between the fish with human hands, the talking eel, and the giant flying sea turtle who spits fire and is a friend to all children.
Atoms Smash! 11.25.96
Thirty Frenchman, who were too busy working at a navy base assembling nuclear warheads to be rude to Americans, not bathe or allow the Nazis to occupy, were unfortunately exposed to a "very slightly higher" levels of radiation than allowed by French "law". When asked how he felt, civilian worker, Dr. Davîd Bruçe
Bannér, in a funny French accent, replied, "Don't make me angry, Mr. McGee, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." In a related story, when you're exposed to radiation, your hair falls out, your internal organs develop cancerous growths, your future children genetically mutate, and you don't turn green and become
incredibly strong.
It’s Toasty Outside 11.26.96
At the ozone summit in Costa Rica Monday, President Jose Maria Figueres called for wealthy nations to spend enough money to save the ozone layer from extinction. The rest of the nations then called for Costa Rica to mind its own business. Figueres responded, "We support the proposals which come from every corner of the Earth," but before he could finish, America sprayed him with an aerosol can, while Britain dumped a truck load of cow manure on his door step. Everyone enjoyed a good laugh until the ozone ripped open, emitting harsh ultra-violet rays and they all burst into flames.
Barbie-tuates.
It was a bazaar for the bizarre in posh Beverly Hills last week, as obsessive collectors the world over spent their rent money and their child’s educations on disproportionately top-heavy dolls who walk on their toes.
Twenty one-of-a-kind Barbies were auctioned off at a charity event on Rodeo Drive. Each doll was accessorized by a “famous” designer. Versace Barbie wore a sheer leopard print chiffon gown with sparkles. J’Adore Barbie was dressed in black and accessorized in diamonds. Calvin Klein Barbie wore a tight white t-shirt and looked like she was twelve years old and addicted to heroin.
In addition to the auction, there was an hourly fashion show, a CD-ROM game demonstration and some new “test” Barbies: Big Butt Barbie, who came with her own stretch pants and a really good sense of humor; Homeless Barbie, who lost her job and her “Dream House” all in one day, comes with a shopping cart, although her will to live is sold separately; Klaus Barbie was the most unpopular; Throw Another Shrimp on the Barbie, who comes with interchangeable short guy dolls Gary Coleman, Billy Barty, and Michael J. Fox. These join a bulimic, disfigured Barbie currently being sold under the name “Barbie”.
Everyone in the Barbie know attended the function. Ruth Handler, the woman who created the 36-18-33 doll that helped create unhealthy self images in young girls, was on hand to sign autographs. The Mattel-sponsored auction raised more than $80,000 for charity. They couldn’t have made more money had they been auctioning off real women.
Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?
Well, if you don’t have enough credit debt already, your chance to spiral further towards financial ruin is here! We can all exhale a collective sigh of relief. First USA and MBNA banks are coming out with their own versions of a platinum credit card, with credit lines up to $100,000 and as long as you’ve been irresponsible with your plastic, you’ve got a shot at getting one!
To be eligible for the cards you either have to have a lot of money, or you’ve had to borrow a lot of money. And fifty bucks here and there from your friends and relatives does not constitute a lot. Furnishing a two bedroom apartment at 19.8% APR is warmer. Furnishing your two bedroom apartment plus your ex-wife’s house and your college coed trophy girlfriend’s off-campus loft, well, you’re burning up. We’re talking people who have already racked up thousands and thousands and -- throw in a couple more thousand --in credit card debt already.
We’re talking my sister, for one, and we’re probably talking you, too. But, believe me, as much as I’m an advocate for Smith-Barney’s making-money-the-old-fashioned-way-,- earning-it philosophy, I also concede that you can make money the American way, too. You can borrow it. And hopefully you’ll get a good interest rate.
The possibility to live out the American dream, or at least my sister’s version of it, is now a phone call. 1-800-DUMMIES and 1-888-BANKRPT are two numbers that come to mind.
With the swipe of a magnetic strip, you can be a homeowner. It might be a fixer-upper. Sure. But I believe Home Depot has a credit card, too.
First USA’s card will have a rate of 5.9% for the first six months and will only go up to 12.99%. With this scenario, you can max out your card and it will only take you 48 years to pay it off. Plus, you’ll only pay $3,438,999 in interest! (Although, if you factor in cash advances, that figure goes up to $67,443,992,800.) The big bonus? NO ANNUAL FEE and a 24 HOUR CARD HOLDER PHONE SERVICE. Thanks for the incentives, but does the free phone offer still apply.
Look, 5.9% is a great rate. 12.9% ain’t bad. But it’s still x% of $100,000 and unless that x=0, that’s a lot of money. Once again, we’re talking flying you trophy girlfriend to Hawaii and back each time she gets a break in classes. And then some. That kind of a lot of money.
The kind of a lot of money my sister doesn’t have.
Some free advice from Ivan -- and you know I don’t give free advice out often -- Before you apply for the cards, make sure you have a sound financial plan. Never jump into any borrowing venture without a clear picture of how you will manage it. Here is a sample outline of a good way to go. Let’s assume you already have, say, $5000 on various credit cards that you still need to pay off. Transfer that to First USA’s card and get the low introductory rate of 5.9% for six months. Within the first week of getting the card, max out the remaining $95,000, so the full $100,000 is only at 5.9% (It’s not easy to max it out if you’re not making a major investment, so you’re going to have to make a concerted effort to spend as frivolously as possible. I suggest getting a trophy girlfriend and an ex-wife to help out.). After six months, get your MBNA card and transfer the $100,000 from First USA so you get their start up rate of 5.9%. Here’s where you really cash in. Cancel the First USA card, now REAPPLY so you get the 5.9% back! GO CRAZY! You’ve got another $100 grand! Once you’ve maxed out both cards, that’s when you gotta start searching for a card that has a limit of $300,000, so you can transfer both to a lower rate, and still have another $100,000. Keep up this pattern, and your financial portfolio will be doing great.
My sister still owes me fifty bucks, by the way. And I don’t take plastic.
Like A China In A Bull Shoppe
Okay, China, give me a break. Give the whole world a break.
You’re not fooling anyone, tough guy. Forget about human rights abuses. Forget Tibet and Tieneman. Forgotten! Forget your blatant disregard for intellectual property. Copyright, schmopyright!
But, now you think you’ve got us up against the ropes? By banning imports of American fruits and beverages? Oh, boo hoo.
In retaliation I think I speak for all Americans when I say: grow your own damn fruit and bottle your own Coca-Cora. We don’t need you.
The whole thing started on September 6 when the US levied a $19 million dollar fine on China because the Commie bastards thought it would be real cute to ship garments through other countries in a feeble attempt to skirt quotas. Well, guess what People’s Republic of Lying, you violated the 1994 trade pact, so no more Washington red delicious. No more Hawaiian pineapples . Hasta la bye-bye bananas.
(Actually, the whole thing started in 1949 when the good people of mainland China were duped into becoming communists.)
And now, once again, the Evil Red Menace thinks it’s be cute by retaliating less than two weeks before scheduled talks between Secretary of State Warren Christopher and Chinese Foreign Minister Qian “Pinko Pink-As-They-Come” Qichen. The two plan to discuss, among other topics, trade.
You think you’re being slick, Red China? You think we can’t see right through your little ruse? Well, we -- we being America, capitalist America! -- we invented the art of the deal, and Donald Trump just attached his name to it. You can ban our fruit all you want. Enjoy your Mandarin oranges, Maoists! Um, yum, yum, this ripe Georgia peach, dripping with juice tastes so damn good. Oh, wait, but I’m in prison! How did I get a ripe Georgia peach? Well, it’s called America, baby.
Twice in the last couple of years the US and the People’s Republic of Ha Ha No Fruit have looked trade war in the face. Both times because the Chinese were trying to be sneaky. But who backed down? Not the Red, White, and Blue. China, who agreed to eliminate the piracy of American movies, compact discs and computer software, ran back to their rice paddies, tails tucked between their collective legs. (And when I say “collective”, I mean it. Remember these are communists, after all.)
Chinese officials have threatened the ban before, claiming that the $19 million levy “severely violated” the 1994 pact. There’s the pot calling the kettle red. When the Chinese government announced the ban, they asked the United States to lift the textile penalty “in the spirit of developing Sino-US bilateral trade.” I’m not sure what kind of Trotskyist propagandist lingo “Sino” is, but if you really want to develop bi-lateral trade, here’s an idea: stop being communist.
That would go a long way to opening up our two countries to shipping back and forth as much fruit and textiles and rock-and-roll music and chow mein as we could handle. Although I’m not quite sure I really want to sample Chinese rock music.
Until then, I got one thing to say to all you little sampan-wearing Commies: We got plenty of places who love good old American fruit. But we don’t really need your rice and silk and jade and ginseng and kung fu. We’ll be just fine. But how will you fair without Michigan bing cherries, California raisins and real Florida orange juice? Why don’t you put that in your opium pipe and smoke it.
War Babies
Save the Children is backing the U.N. pact that would raise the minimum age to join the armed forces from 15 to 17. The Save the Children organization has discovered around 250,000 soldiers under the age of 18 have been fighting in an estimated 33 armed conflicts, not counting the war George Clooney has waged on Entertainment Tonight. (While there are no children involved in that battle, George Clooney is a big baby.)
A report (not written by Sally Struthers) states, “The development of lightweight weapons has transformed the capacity of children to serve.” Advances in modern technology have made it possible for a five-year-old to carry a gun that weighs less than seven pounds. Will the wonders of science ever cease?!
But wait, warriors and warriesses, why stop at five? That’s a little old, don’t you think? Why don’t you have infants wriggling up to the front lines on their little baby bellies? They could clear entire enemy villages with one stinky diaper. “Do you smell that? Do you smell that? I love the smell of formula in the morning. Smells like victory.” Perhaps you could start a Big Wheel Battalion and children could charge the enemy on Hoppity-hops.
Reports suggest that children are not forced to serve, but are merely easy recruits. This probably has nothing to do with the fact that children are taught to respect and trust their elders. I’m sure it has everything to do with peer preasure:
“I can drive a tank.”
“Oh, yeah...well, I can fire an assault rifle!”
“I know how to pilot a fighter jet.”
“Oh, yeah, well, my platoon is bigger than yours!”
“Well, you’re a big butt head.”
“Am not.”
“Are to.”
Rat-tat-tat. Big explosions. Napalm. Death. “Am not.”
The military is often a way for people who are less advantaged and have no education to earn a living. Well, in terms of the kiddies, I’m sure the Army is much better than working in a sweat shop sewing clothes for Kathy Lee Gifford, and its got to be better than the lousy $10 a week allowance their parents give.
What kind of adult do you grow up to become when you’re serving in the military at age five? Well, you probably don’t get to grow up to do anything. You probably die in a foxhole next to your teddy bear, or you commit suicide at twelve after a long life of watching people get blowed up real good. But let’s say for the sake of hypothesis, you lived. And some people do. Well, no wonder all these countries are always in conflicts. They don’t know how to be any different! Childhood is hard enough without tracers whizzing by. I mean what would you rather deal with: acne or the getting those pesky blood-of-your-enemies stains out of your uniform? The sting of being stood up for prom or the sting of tear gas in your eyes?
It’s sad, but it’s true: SC Headlines and News has discovered that even here in this country, children are joining the Army as young as eleven-years-old: something called “The Kiss Army”. Millions of youngsters putting on the warpaint of the Cat, the Demon, Space Ace, and Starchild, donning the thigh high-spiked combat boots, spitting blood, breathing fire. However, they don’t get into many military squirmishes, but they do like to rock-and-roll all night and party everyday. But for less than a cup of coffee a day...
We Make More, Check That Score
NHL and NBA scoring is down.
So-called “sports fans” have been complaining lately about low scoring in both the National Hockey League and the National Basketball League.
These are the same sports fans, I imagine, who own box seats and use their tickets -- tickets any real sports fan would kill to have (which could be a sport in its own right) -- to conduct business.
These are probably the same sports fans who, outside of their Friday night bowling leagues and the occassional round of golf, never engaged in a true sport, but think that just because they’re sitting on their fat asses in front of the boob tube, somehow they are entitled to criticize a game they don’t even understand! And the fault they find in the game has everything to do with their attention spans and lack thereof, and absolutely nothing to do with the players in either league!
These are the same sports fans who wouldn’t know good sports if I used their heads as a backboard or shoved a hockey puck in their mouths and high sticked them upside the back of their heads just to see if I could make a goal. Both of which I’m inclined to do.
“Its just not as exciting when they don’t score,” says an idiot that can’t appreciate good defense. “I’d rather see the Ice Capades. At least they skate to music.”
When the M&M race on the scoreboard gets more cheering than a low-scoring game, it speaks a lot for the fans’ appreciation level.
A hard-hitting hockey game that ends in a 1-0 score is a thing of beauty, not unlike the ballet. A ballet where the dancers get slammed against a plexi-glass wall, but a ballet none-the-same. A good defensive duel in any sport is what purists live for. Not that I don’t like a shoot out, but nothing beats a good defensive battle. Just ask the Russian winter.
These detractors are like the guy who feels that Schindler’s List was too long. These complainers are like the guy who orders crab cakes at the Ivy, but sends them back because they’re not like the ones at Red Lobster. These bitchers are like the guy who gets laid, but wanted a backrub instead.
I don’t quite get the hockey fans’ point-of-view. Aren’t they happy as long as guys are beating the snot out of each other? Blood-splattered , right? “An occassional goal now and then? Sure, fine, great, just give me more of that sound of teeth scattering across the ice.” But now they care about scoring?
Maybe it’s all these new fans in warm weather cities that keep asking, “Who’s this ‘Zamboni’ guy that everyone keeps talking about?” With snowstorms, aquatic birds and desert dogs for mascots, no wonder the fans have gone soft.
In terms of the NBA and low scoring, huh? I mean, really, what is the difference between 98.6 and 96.8 average points per game? It’s the most fast-paced, high-scoring game in all of sports. (Unless you count auto racing, which doesn’t have a score and isn’t really a sport...okay, it doesn’t count.) If you can’t appreciate any given NBA game -- even if just the amazing athletic ability of the players -- then maybe you should just move the England and start attending those exciting cricket matches. And while you’re at it, take in a Benny Hill film fest. That sounds like a hoot. I wonder if Mr. Bean likes sculling or that great log throwing sport?
Hard pressing defense is what makes great teams in the NBA. If not for the ‘D’, the Bulls -- the greatest team ever to play the game, in or out of the NBA -- wouldn’t have won four titles. But the Average Joe probably doesn’t even think past the Average Fast Break Slam Dunk -- which, by the way, was the result of the defense trapping and forcing a turn over, of course. Both the NHL and NBA are doing just fine providing hard-pumping high octane competitive entertainment that is still not worth the inflated ticket prices, but that’s another story entirely.
Truth In Advertising
A small golf ball manufacturer in Yalesville, Connecticut has created an innovative -- nay, revolutionary -- ball whose dimple design keeps the ball aloft longer. A “secret change in the core makes it rise faster off of the clubhead.” Thanks for the Flubber or Superball set-up. Man, that Fred MacMurray photo will be hilarious. That “other uses for the secret core” will be the funniest thing in today’s show.
Too bad the story is an ad.
The headline reads “Small Company’s New Golf Ball Flies Too Far; Could Obselete Many Golf Courses.”
This is published in a major national newspaper. A reputable newspaper. A primary source of information for America. Okay, it’s not a necessarily reputable newspaper, but it sure has purty colors.
The story is printed in the same type as the rest of the paper. It looks just like any other story. Actually, a fine story to spoof. But it’s not a story. It’s an advertisement. Or so it says in the tiniest print ever somewhere near the body of the ad.
Hey, I’m all for inventive advertising. I’m all for parody. I’m all for crass commercialism and duping people into buying your useless product. I’m all for the American way. But I also don’t want to see Peter Jennings read a peice about Nike, and before he segues into a fun story about a horrible mining accident in West Virginia, he says “Just Do It” and does a lay-up in the World News Tonight studio.
Actually, I do want to see him do a lay-up in the World News Tonight studio.
Infomercials are bad enough. I don’t know who thought it would entertaining to take public access television and attach rejects from the QVC warehouse to it, but I’d rather watch Fly Fishing with the Stars of the Grand Ole Opry. But now infomercials have made it into print.
Hey, I know that Air Jordans with or without pump action won’t give me six-second hang time. Buying Shaq’s latest rap album won’t increase my ability to not the fake funk on the master dunk. As a matter of fact, buying Shaq’s album will only put me fifteen bucks in the hole and I can still hit a free throw. I’d be better off improving my game in the paint buying an Andy Williams LP.
Gatorade, while a delicious beverage that replenishes lost electolytes, will never make me be like Mike, no matter how badly I want to be. About the only thing, Mike and I have in common is that we both drink Gatorade and we’re both in love with chicks named Juanita.
Whenever I drink beer, hot ladies don’t show up, nor does Eric Clapton start playing. Usually when I drink beer, whatever team I’m rooting for loses, I get surly, and I end up going home alone and feeding my cat.
And something else that’s been bugging me: When did strip clubs and sports buddy up? You used to be able to open the sports section of your local newspaper and get Bobby Bonilla’s stats. Now, nestled between ads for penis enlargement and golf balls, you get a picture of some almost pretty runaway from Indiana inticing you to come to Free Frilly Friday or an all-you-can-eat-buffet, which is just gross. And now strip clubs are being advertised on television as well. You’re hoping you might get to see that hilarious “I Love You, Man” guy and instead you get some bald, bearded freak and a bevy of vaguely attractive coke whores from Nebraska telling you to come on down to the Sunset Strip Mine for Monday Night Madness. No thank you. I prefer to keep my football pure and ass-free. If God wanted us to watch naked ladies and football at the same time, he’d have had naked ladies play football.
Keep your golf ball ads out of my newspaper and your clothes on.
Thanksgiving
Friday is the busiest shopping day of the year. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah freaking blah.
What they don’t tell you is that Friday is also the busiest day in the E.R. for cases of overdosing on Hot Sam and Orange Julius.
Millions of American jackasses overstuffed on turkey and mince meat pie the day before, somehow, someway find the energy to drag their bloated butts off of the sofa and away from the football game or upteenth repeat of “Casablanca” or “Avalon” or whatever other movie the networks have deemed a Thanksgiving classic. They pile into the Volvo, plastic in hand, and head to that time-capsule snapshot of 1996 Americana, The Mall -- Fox River, Valley View, Fox View, River Valley, Valley Fox, Fox Fox, River View -- and start spending, somehow convincing economists and analysts that this feeding frenzy is indicitive of Great Things to Come in the Following Year. Guess what? It ain’t. It’s just a bunch of people too stupid to realize that this is the busiest shopping day of the year and that maybe that’s a good reason why they should stay home today and truly appreciate Casablanca for what a great film it is. And who the hell eats mince meat anyway?
This Christmas -- and by Christmas, I mean the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve, the two busiest shopping days of the year respectively, and for some reason, the only two days that matter to economists and analysts and the people to whom this kind of thing matters -- is supposed to tell us a lot about the future of interactive entertainment, home computing, and the personal sex habits of Ma and Pa Middle America.
Well, my Ma and Pa are Middle America, and, quite frankly, I really don’t want to know about their sex habits. Although the prison therapist tells me differently. As for home computing, people have computers in their homes. There. I solved that great mystery of how things will turn out in 1997 and it ain’t even November 25th, yet. Here’s another clue for you all: the Walrus is Paul and every home computer in the world will use a Microsoft product. Most of them come with MS already installed. If I’ve shocked anyone with this startling revelation, two words: wake the f**k up. Microsoft products were a part of home computing way back when Karate Champ was considered to be the ultimate in arcade action.
Interactive Entertainment? I played video Clue in 1989. It’s 1996 and if the best interactivity has to offer is point-and-click live one-on-one hot action with the beautiful girl of my choice, well, I can pretty much do that at the 25-cent peep show and it’s a hell of a lot cheaper for the same end result, so give me back Colonel Mustard, please.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for interactive entertainment. Believe me, here in prison, I don’t really have a whole lot of access to 25-cent peep shows, so live one-on-one point-and-click action is not a bad option for me. No sir, I’m a big fan of interactive entertainment. I’m on interactive entertainment. And this day after Thanksgiving will probably mean a whole hell of a lot to the future of i.e. But, before we all start celebrating the death of television and saying adios to reality reality. let’s realize that cyberspace is just that and virtually shovelling a heaping helping of cranberry sauce and turkey giblets into your virtual gullet is no substitute for the taste of Cool Whip non-dairy topping and 25-cent peep shows.
I have no idea how much cold hard cash will be raked in this day after Thanksgiving. How many Sega Saturns and Nintendo 64-bit systems and subscriptions to MSN and
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