Firezone: Online Chat With Hemp

Tbennett: If you’re just joining us, this week’s Firezone focuses on the debate to re-legalize marijuana.

Ptosh: Legalize it, don’t criticize, mon.

Tbennett: Thank you for your sterling insights, Mr. Tosh.

Ptosh: No problem, mon.

Tbennett: In California, a referendum is on the ballot to de-criminalize marijuana for use as medicine. Joining us is a representative of one of the many groups sponsoring the proposition, Sensimilia for the Sick. Please welcome Psmoker.

Psmoker: Look man, medical marijuana can ease the pain and suffering of AIDS patients. It can relieve the nausea associated with chemotherapy treatments. It can cure glaucoma!

Tbennett: And do you have any of these ailments?

Psmoker: No.

Tbennett: Do you know anyone who has the ailments?

Psmoker: No.

Tbennett: Do you know anyone who has ever benefitted from medical marijuana?

Psmoker: No.

Tbennett: Do you just want to get high?

Psmoker: Yes.

Tbennett: (sighs) Our next guest knows a lot about dope. Please welcome former California governor, Jbrown.

Jbrown: That’s just where you’re wrong, Senator Kerry!

Tbennett: Mr. Brown?

Jbrown: And you can just pipe right down yourself, Tsongas, you Elmer Fudd sound-a-like.

Tbennett: Mr. Brown?

Jbrown: Alright, Slick Willy, you and me, mano-a-mano, let’s go.

Tbennett: Mr. Brown?!

Jbrown: Can I help you?

Tbennett: This isn’t the 1992 primaries. You’re on an on-line forum discussing legalizing marijuana. Where do you stand on the issue?

Jbrown: Well, as everyone knows, I did inhale. Perhaps if I hadn’t, I’d be president instead of that philandering draft dodger.

Tbennett: I’m not quite following what this has to do with legalizing pot?

Jbrown: Can I finish? Can I start? Look, what I’m trying to say is this: if we make marijuana legal, everyone can smoke as much reefer as they want; they can inhale or not inhale if they’re so inclined; so even if someone lies like a rug -- and he’s a big fat liar -- I could still get elected.

Psmoker: Hey, if you promise to get pot legal, I’ll vote for you.

Jbrown: Hey, if you promise to get pot legal, I’ll vote for you.


Tbennett: Thank you, Mr. Brown, for that segue. The environment: Hemp advocates suggest that using products made from hemp could effectively rescue us from ecological disaster.

Gpeace: 1 acre of hemp saves 4.1 acres of trees.

Tbennett: Fascinating. What does that slogan pulled directly from your literature mean exactly?

Gpeace: Well, hemp pulp makes excellent paper and we could use less of it than if we made the same amount of paper from trees.

Tbennett: And where would we plant these hemp farms?

Gpeace: Well, we’d probably have to clearcut some forests.

Tbennett: That makes sense.

Gpeace: Yeah, it makes total sense, you know. Like, our forefathers used hemp all the time. The Constitution is printed on hemp paper.

Tbennett: And was written by Freemason slaveowners, blah, blah, blah. What’s your point?

Gpeace: Um, I like to smoke pot.

Gmoney: Party.

FBI: I am so down upon it. You kids are right on! Hey, does anyone know where I can get some spliff? Meet me in private room Hey, This Is A Setup.

Gpeace: You know, here’s the thing: we can use the hemp plant to make methanol which burns cleaner than gasoline, and, you know, we might not mind the smog problem if we were all getting high.

Psmoker: Yeah, like you could stick your mouth over the tailpipe and just breath in the exhaust. You’d never have to even buy dope anymore.

Gpeace: Or you could just get it at the gas station now.

Jbrown: I already get mine from the guy who works at the gas station.

FBI: So, uh...Which gas station would that be?

Jbrown: The Gas-n-Gulp on . . . wait a minute?!

Tbennett: Look, I think we’re getting a little off-track here.

Christian: The Lord could put us all back on track.

Tbennett: Oh, Christ.

Christian: Exactly. Say Nope to Dope, and Ugh to Drugs. Get High on Christ.

Netguy: Hey, here’s an interesting little fun fact: hemp fibres are among the most durable found in nature. Clothes made from hemp last longer.

Psmoker: Yeah, and instead of sending them to the Salvation Army when you’re tired of them, you can smoke them.

Gpeace: Yeah!

Gmoney: Party!

Jbrown: You mean you can’t smoke a cotton/rayon blend?

Mymom: Son, I know nothing I can say is going to stop you from smoking marijuana, but if you do, wear a condom.

Tbennett: Mom!

Gpeace: Busted!

Cheech: (Overdone Chicano accent) Hey man, like let’s light up a fat doobie and toke!

Gmoney: Are you guys still around?

Cheech: You never know...My series might tank next week.

Gpeace: That’s so retro! Is George Carlin there with you?

Mymom: I just want to know where I went wrong! Oh my God, your father surfs the net...What if he reads this?

Tbennett: Well, that’s all the time we have for now because pretty soon my mom will start talking about sex, too. I’m sorry we didn’t get to our experts, Paul and Linda McCartney, who planned to talk about their new hemp-seasoned vegetarian frozen food line, “High As A Bird’s Eye” foods...Tune in next week for another exciting Firezone.