Welcome to the Fire Zone, an opportunity to click in and participate with the experts in a myriad of fields. Today’s topic is the Presidential Debate and the lack of an open playing field for all candidates. Our guests today are the independent candidates in the race for the presidency.
DNate: If you’re just joining us, our guests today include: Ross Perot.
RPerot: Howdy America, I wanna be your boss.
DNate: Famous consumer-rights advocate, Ralph Nader.
RNader: Is there a free parking lot in this neighborhood, I’m a little short right now.
DNate: Lyndon Larouche.
LLarouche: There is only one God, and he wants you to vote for me.
DNate: Ken Griffey, Jr.
KGriffey: I’m not really running. Why am I here? Anybody got a cell phone? I need to get my agent on the line.
DNate: Joe Walsh, formerly of the James Gang.
JWalsh: I’m an ordinary average guy.
DNate: The Yippie candidate.
APig: Oink, oink. (Wallows around in mud.)
RPerot: What the hell is the point of these shenanigans? I’d hardly call this kind of thing kosher, would you?
RNader: Okay, I managed to find some quarters. Have I missed anything?
RPerot: Yeah, one of them Yugos just drove by leaking out a whole bunch of smoke...If you run, you can still catch it and lecture the driver, or whatever it is you do.
RNader: That’s what I’m here to talk about.
RPerot: Well I’m here to talk about the debate! I’m fixin’ to round me up a posse and take Washington. Who’s with me? I’ll pay ya each a thousand bucks.
RNader: That’s where I want to start . The point of this whole thing is that you have a lot of positions in America and they are not all represented in the debate.
LLarouche: The point is: we should not be paying taxes, since taxes are unconstitutional, that’s why we’ve been barred from the debates. To keep the message from the people. No taxes and no sin, that’s my platform
RPerot: Now don’t go lumping me in with you and your hippie friends. America’s got to have taxes, because America’s got to pay bills. You can’t run a steeple without a horse, and that’s why, despite a broad voter base, Ross Perot has been barred from debates.
KGriffey: If I leave early, do I still get paid? I’m not really running.
APig: Oink!!!
RNader: Can’t run a steeple without a horse? I guess it’s that kind of
insightfullness that makes you the frontrunner of the independents. Or maybe it’s because the elections have come to be sold to the highest bidder. Speaking of which, I found a bathroom token, I’ll give it up for half price.
JWalsh: Yeah, man, that’s right. It’s like all those guys selling forest rights to people that’s making me mad. Where does it end? I guess life’s been good to me so far...
DNate: The topic at hand if you’re just dialing us up, is the lack of free and open debates between all the candidates running for the office of president. Mr. Walsh, could part of the problem be the way the electoral college is set up?
JWalsh: I guess it could. I mean with all these trees getting cut down, we’ve got a real problem.
RPerot: The problem with the electoral college is that you have kids running this country who never went to college. What we need to do is run this country like a business. In a business, if the majority of your stockholders wanted something, you’d do it. But if a significant number wanted to do something else, you’d take it under advisement, maybe even if it wasn’t a giant number because they still pay a part of the bills. The porch light don’t shine on just the biggest moth. It shines on everybody. I think this graph more then illustrates my point.
APig: Oink, oink
DNate: This is on line, Mr. Perot
RPerot: That’s right. We’re on line for a better tomorrow.
DNate: Possibly. What I mean, though, is that we’re on line. No one can see your charts.
RPerot: Oh.
HBrown: I think the core problem is that the election is another government-run program, paid for by the government. If it was privatized, then the people would determine who got the money to run the best election directly, not peripherally via primaries.
JWalsh: Then we’d have more money for the trees...in the city...
HBrown: No, because that should be privatized to.
RNader: Good idea. Lets put the forests in the hands of the people who have demonstrated such great responsibility in the past by dumping fuel in the ocean and clearcutting forests.
LLarouche: God gave man the earth, so I don’t see the problem with clearcutting.
RPerot: That’s because you are a nutcase.
HBrown: Perot just called YOU a nut. The crazy billionaire with satellite ears that he uses to monitor CIA transmissions about his daughter’s graduation ceremony just called someone crazy. Well, I guess I should declare you all too Libertarian for me.
Steve: This room sucks, leaving.
RPerot: Have you heard something specific about my daughter? I’m out of the race, until I can be sure my daughter is safe.
JWalsh: I think it’s really important we keep all the forest protected, so our trees are safe.
HBrown: Wouldn’t you rather people like you and me were in charge of the forest instead of the very government we accuse of being corrupt?
JWalsh: Uhhhhh... Maybe...But you know, the Rocky Mountain Way is better than I’ve ever had.
HBrown: What about you Griffey!
KGriffey: How would I know?
RPerot: I’m back in. Listen son, you don’t throw away the bucket just because it leaks. You get a cork and plug the hole. That’s just good business.
RNader: Actually Ross, to use your own beautiful analogy, you do throw away the bucket. You then replace it with a new bucket.
LLarouche: I didn’t even know you were still here.
RNader: I had to go move my car. I was about to get the boot.
RPerot: Man can’t pay to park his car, but he wants to park the country.
RNader: What the hell does that mean?
HBrown: Good point. What does that mean?
JWalsh: Yeah.
LLarouche: Mr. Perot?
DNate: The floor is yours, Mr. Perot.
RPerot: I’m pulling out of the race.
DNate: Here, for the floor’s consideration, what is the biggest issue facing the nation, and how would you solve it?
HBrown: No overseas presence. Achieve this and all other problems will virtually solve themselves.
KGriffey: I don’t know. I’m a baseball player.
LLarouche: I should not have to pay taxes.
JWalsh: I would protect our trees.
APig: Oink, oink
RNader: I have to move my car again.
RPerot: I’m back in!! We need to get out of the fire, back in the frying pan, and then get nestled safely back in the plastic wrap the butcher wraps us in, just as it shows in this graph.
DNate: We can’t see it, Mr. Perot.
RPerot: Which is exactly why I’m pulling out of the race.
LLarouche: Has anybody here seen DS9?
JWalsh: I have. I like space ships.
RPerot: I’m back in! Now, isn’t that rich? The hippie songwriter and the religious fanatic both watch TV and they both want to run this country. This is just what I’m talking about. This is no way to run a railroad
RNader: And how would you run a railroad?
RPerot: Like a business. If you tried to run your family like they run railroads, your family would derail in a ball of fire, and you’d be left holding the bag, and the bag would be filled with, I don’t know, sand maybe, really heavy sand that would make your arms hurt to carry it. If I was in charge of railroads, I’d run it like a business and pay people an honest wage to do their job.
LLarouche: That’s what they do, you freak. A railroad is a business.
RPerot: Don’t be so naive.
JWalsh: Yeah, ‘cause the railroad guys cut down trees.
RNader: Please just shut up, Walsh. What do you think, Griffey?
KGriffey: That was just a shoepromotion. I thought I was going on Stern.
HBrown: Libertarian!
DNate: Well, it looks like we’re out of time...Any final words from our candidates?
Apig: Squuel. Oink. (Eats leftovers from craft services)
LLarouche: I was a political prisoner!
RNader: What did I miss?
RPerot: The boat son, the boat called America. If I had a boat, I’d run it like a business. I’d call my self Captain and --
DNate: Thank you all, gentlemen...And thank you for logging on.
Rperot: And we’d all go pick up the castaways from Gilligan’s Island. I’ve got a map!
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