February 1997

The Needle and The Damage Done 02.01.97

Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala (shoop-dooby) has endorsed community-level needle exchange programs in an effort to combat AIDS and Hepatitis B, but has not sought a program on the federal level. This should thrill Republican senators who have been pushing for smaller government but love to boot junk.

The People Vs. 15 Feet 02.01.97

Claiming the rule violated the First Amendment, The Supreme Court has struck down the "floating buffer zone" injunction that requires anti-abortion demonstrators to stay at least 15 feet away from anyone who doesn't want to talk to them. However, the 15-feet "bomb blast zone" was upheld as the freedom not to be impaled by a one-inch piece of steel rebar or crushed by a ceiling tile was deemed more important than the freedom of running your trap. The 15-feet "throw-red-food-coloring-at-you-in-a-feeble-attempt-to-make-a- metaphorical-point-while-ruining-your -new-white-shirt zone" was also upheld, but Operation Rescue has to pay your dry-cleaning bill.

He's Back! 02.03.97

Newt Gingrich has been re-elected as Speaker of the House, despite questions regarding his ethics. Republicans have attributed his re-election to the fact that they want a slimy liar to represent them, just like the Democrats have.

The China Syndromesky 02.03.97

Iran has announced that a nuclear power station in the southern port of Bushehr will be in operation within three years. The power plant was developed and constructed in cooperation with Russia, a country you really want helping out with your nuclear power plants. While you’re at it, call the guys who built Three Mile Island and see if they can pitch in.

Salving the Problem 02.03.97

Victims' families were outraged to learn that the court dropped charges against John Salvi, the anti-abortion advocate who shot and killed two abortion clinic workers, in light of his recent suicide. The ruling is based on a little-known precedent that allows convicted criminals to rest in peace with a clean record, while providing big savings for the State of Massachusetts. The families will appeal the ruling, hoping for a wacky new precedent that allows deceased victims to be exonerated and for justice to be carried out to the full extent of the law, no matter what the cost...including Salvi's life.

Game Over, Man 02.04.97

The verdict is at least partially in on what some have dubbed the Trial Of The Century, mostly because the trial has lasted a century. The jury found OJ Simpson liable for the wrongful death of Ron Goldman to the tune of $8.5 million, which, we guess, is the going rate these days for vindication. While only the criminal trial jury could determine Simpson's guilt or innocence, at least this decision goes a long way in saying that slashing your ex-wife's throat from ear to ear and brutally stabbing a hapless waiter is "wrongful death." The jury will continue to deliberate as they determine further punitive damages, to which we can only say, "An eye for an eye, the truth for the truth."

The Editors

Where’s Jimmy Hoffa ? 02.05.97

Israel has commenced investigations into an incident involving the disappearance of four U.S. airmen over a patch of ocean 90 miles South of Haifa. Reports are now being issued that this is the infamous Devil’s Triangle, though aerial photos reveal it’s actually two triangles configured on top of one another into a mysterious six pointed star. As the Jews do not really believe in the Devil, this area has been re-named The Bermuda Shorts Triangle and is said to contain not only the missing pilots, but other inexplicable mysteries such as the Lost City of Atlantis, the body of Amelia Earhardt and the solution to the Middle East problem.

Storage Units 02.05.97

Today, Congress is considering a proposal to lease the extra space in the nation’s petroleum reserve caverns to other countries as a part of Clinton’s effort to balance the budget. Texas has already bid to rent the caverns and finally declare a state of sovereignty that no one can mess with, while Israel is considering the caverns if the Palestinian homeland doesn’t work out. The plan also proposes to donate a cavern to the Cherokee Nation, but then take it back when oil is discovered.

You Can Have Your Ice Cream Cake, But You Can’t Eat It 02.05.97

After leaving the court house, O.J. Simpson made one stop on his way home, stopping in to get some ice cream for his daughter. He also needed something to wash down the justice that was shoved down his throat. The Juice ordered a Double Murder cone of Death by Chocolate and Beat My Wife Chip, as well as $8.5 million in sundaes, all paid for by his daughter.

Hubba Bubba Do 02.05.97

British Archaeology reported Tuesday that gum from the Stone Age has been discovered in northern Europe. Black lumps of prehistoric tar with small human tooth impressions believed to date back to 7000 B.C. were found. The gum was located underneath a small stone desk, on which sat a Bazooka Joe comic that dates back to 8500 B.C., with the fortune, “Cheer up, next week, you’ll learn to walk upright.” After close examination, experts determined he wasn’t funny way back then either.

A Bitter Pill 02.06.97

A survey of San Francisco doctors who care for AIDS patients indicates that at least half have assisted in a suicide. This suggests that the other half of Bay Area doctors cry themselves to sleep at night and have trouble looking at themselves in the mirror.

See Also: ICARUS 02.06.97

Analysts are predicting that, since there were no in-flight recordings and no survivors in the recent mid-air collision of two military helicopters that killed 73 soldiers, Isreali investigators may never know what caused it. Investigators in the TWA flight 800 crash called the Israeli investigators to show their solidarity and also to try to make themselves not look so inept by comparing themselves to those equally inept on an international scale. Pierre Salinger claims that John Landis and a camera crew were seen in the area.

Tipper? I Hardly Knew Her! 02.06.97

Vice President and harbinger of doom Al Gore is preaching the gospel of his limousine liberal agenda once again, this time focusing on pushing for telecommunications advances while shamelessly flushing the Constitution down the shitter. Picking up where our Commander-in-Lying left off in his State of the Union address, Gore droned on about wiring every classroom , library, and hospital with the Internet and putting computers in every home. Of course, after ridding the Net of all its pornography and Heavy Metal, the only thing left will be websites devoted to Gore’s eco-disaster lies and stock tickers showing how much Gore is making off of tobacco.

A Taste Of Albania 02.06.97

Tens of thousands of Albanians stormed the city of Vlore protesting the collapse of government investment schemes in which many lost life savings. The crowd began with one enraged Albanian who told five friends to bring their resentment and told these violent friends to tell 10 angry friends until a pyramid-shaped mob was formed from which everyone benefited. Bumbling government officials, who had counted on the mass protest for tourism revenues and poured civic moneys into live entertainment, parking facilities and a public garden exhibition for the rioting visitors, have handed over their investment portfolio to Kemper Securities.

Birth Control, Emphasis On the Word Control 02.06.97

President Clinton is seeking $123 million dollars to put towards birth control overseas because apparently the problem at home is completely solved. A portion of the funds will go towards purchasing a condom large enough to encase the President and Congress in rubber to prevent taxpayers from getting pregnant or sick, as the pipe dream of paying off our debt disappears into the womb of a woman overseas who may or may not want the United States sticking its red, white, and blue cock in her business. But then again, according to our foreign policy experts, they’re asking for it, they’re all asking for it.

Looking For The One-Gloved Man 02.06.97

O.J. Simpson has continued his tireless search for Nicole Brown Simpson’s killer by scouring every golf course in America. After painstakingly overturning every sand trap, green, driving range, country club, swimming pool, and pro shop, Orenthal is planning to extend his search to dance clubs and resorts.

Family Vacation 02.06.97

A Senate panel will hear testimony from intelligence officials about spots around the world where the United States could encounter problems and where conflicts could arise in the next few years. India, North Korea and Pakistan top the list of countries that could be involved in an unwanted war. In a related story, travel agencies have released their list of places of least favorite vacation spots for American travelers. India, North Korea and Pakistan top the list, with the Wisconsin Dells following close behind.

I’d Like Some Matter 02.07.97

Auctioneer/President Clinton’s administration proposed raising $36.1 billion by selling licenses to communications firms who want to buy airwaves. Multi-national companies are thrilled at the thought of being able to purchase air and are looking into ways to invest in space dust and time as well. To sweeten the deal even more, The White House is offering free bonus bags of air to the first 500 takers. This plan is following on the heels of the government’s offer of selling big boxes of nothing to private citizens for outrageous sums of money, payable with invisible stacks of bills.

Thank God It’s Ojver! 02.10.97

The final verdict in the Trial of the Century is in, as O.J. Simpson has been hit with $25 million for the deaths of both Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Legal experts were at first confused about the sum arrived at for both punitive and compensatory damages, until a contract for $33.5 million between O.J. Simpson and Satan was found at the Rockingham house. The scroll was thought to be a forgery, until the bloody Italian shoe print at the bottom was proven to be authentic.

Whitewater, Black Heart 02.10.97

James McDougal has fingered President Clinton in the Whitewater real estate scandal, but only after rumors surfaced that President Clinton fingered McDougal’s wife Susan.

In this case of who-do-you-trust?, the trail of lies, cover-ups, and discarded Big Mac wrappers leads from the savings and loan Madison Guaranty to the office shredding machine at the Rose By Any Other Name Still Stinks of Sham Law Firm, dragging Jim Guy Tucker’s name through the gubernatorial mud, circumnavigates Washington back to a fat man from Arkansas who quietly slips out of the room to get back to work on that bridge to the 21st Century.

The First Lady’s remains the biggest hand in the cookie jar , but she has thus far been able to spin a web of bad haircuts , White House enemy lists, and ill-concieved health care policy big enough to hide behind, at least until after the election. The smoking gun is still the one in Vince Foster’s bedside table, but, unfortunately, dead men tell no tales, especially dead men with smoldering hunks of lead lodge in their cerebellums.

Hit The Heights 02.11.97

Lemrick Nelson, who was acquitted for the fatal stabbing of Yankel Rosenbaum, a Hassidic Jew, in 1991, has now been found guilty of violating his civil rights, along with a second defendant, Charles Price. Lawyers argued that Nelson was framed by police, though nobody has yet to find the bloody yarmulke of the deceased. Both Lemrick and Nelson were part of a gang of youths who attacked Hassidics in the area and the lawyer’s defense that they were merely trying to form a minion that got “a little out of hand” was quickly shot down. Of course this case is yet another instance demonstrating the racial polarity dividing the country. Perhaps there would be no reason to use race in defense of two youths who irresponsibly took the life of an innocent young man, if the jury of nine rabbis and three cantors had been more diverse.

What’s Next? A State Lottery To Pay For Schools? 02.12.97

The government of Albania is apparently confused why its citizenry has their panties in a bunch because the government involved the entire country, including its goats, in a not-so-elaborate pyramid swindle. The government is vowing to fight back against angry protesters and have countered the rioting rabble with offers of a “limited opportunity time share condo”. In case things really get out of control, the Albanian government brain trust suggested the “Florida swamp land” and “Brooklyn Bridge” retaliatory plans, but scrapped a “Whitewater development deal” because of a tip from a foreign government official. In the meantime, officials are setting the odometers back on several dozen used cars and trying to sell them as “new”.

Juiced 02.12.97

Fred Goldman has offered to forgo the money won in the civil suit if O.J. Simpson will replace the knife in his hand with a pen and sign a confession. According to a sports memorabilia store in West Covina, California, a confession with O.J. Simpson's signature is only worth about $12.5 million, but Goldman can make up the additional $8.5 million if the confession is signed by all the players on the 1972 Bills team.

Not Only Against God’s Law, or I Left My Ring In San Fransisco 02.12.97

Following Clinton’s lead, Mississippi Governor Kirk Fordice signed a law to ban same-sex marriages. However, with an anti-sodomy law already on the books, even if Mississippi did recognize same-sex marriages, they couldn’t be consummated, and really, who wants to check the sheets? It’s good to see that nothing, not even the lowest test scores in the US or the highest rates of rural poverty, is more important on Fordice’s agenda than stopping the “icky” practice of men kissing men. In a coup for pro-life lobbyists, gays will not be allowed to perform oral favors on anyone beyond the third trimester of realizing that they are “different”. The same-sex marriage law will only be reconsidered by the southern governor if one partner is related by blood.

Stiff Upper Lip 02.12.97

Peruvian President Alberto "So Sorry I Missed That Great Catered Meal" Fujimori is due back in Peru today after meeting with world leaders to help solve his nation's 57 day hostage crisis. Fujimori hopes to breakthrough the current gridlock by working toward a deadlock in hopes of settling for a stalemate. Fujimori concluded his European trip with a meeting with British Prime Minister John Major. The PM gave high marks to the Peruvian President’s tough handling of the hostage crisis, making reference to his own handling of the Irish problem by saying, "Anybody can take bold action, but it takes a strong leader to do absolutely nothing."

An Offer He Could Refuse 02.13.97

O.J. Simpson refused Fred Goldman's offer of not taking a dime of Simpson's money if O.J. signed a confession. Simpson said that he wouldn't confess to a murder he didn't commit. Oddly enough, he is not above commiting a murder that he wouldn't confess to. In an effort to deflect negative publicity and restore his reputation, Simpson changed his mind and went ahead and signed the aforesaid confession. Simpson has confessed, at last, to committing the crime of the century... He admitted to kidnapping the Lindbergh baby.

Where's Your Moses Now? 02.13.97

Judge Roy Moore of Etowah County, Alabama was ordered to remove a plaque of the ten commandments from his courtroom. Judge Charles Price said the plaque violates the state and U.S. Constitution, but he couldn't comment further because a witness was about to put their hand on the bible and swear-in. The plaque must be taken down or bolstered with nonreligous artifacts, meaning that it can stay up as long as it's surrounded by suction-cupped Garfield toys and hung next to a sign that reads You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Worship Here, But It Helps. The judge has promised to defend the plaque and "use all legal means at my disposal, including the National Guard." Claiming to hold the former stone tablets' messages as sacred, he swore he'd kill anybody who came near them.

The Old Blue Eyes Have It 02.13.97

Senator and Goodfella Alfonse D'Amato has introduced a bill that would award Frank Sinatra a Congressional Gold Medal. The Senator has managed to find the time to push for the bill, in between lobbying for Presidential honors for Johnnie "Flat Nose" Gianna and Sam "The Meat Hook" Salvini. D'Amato is rumored to be very pleased with the downfall of the term limit issue, allowing him the freedom to pursue his other pressing agendas, including his proposal to make the stripes on the American flag green, yellow, and red, naming pasta as the national dish, and continuing his study on where to find the best buy for A-shirts.

Luke Perry For President 02.14.97

The U.S. is expanding its support of Serbian newspapers and radio stations opposed to President Slobodan Milosevic. "His days are numbered," an American official said, adding, "He likes that easy-listening crap and there's a big market in Serbia for classic rock and morning drive time formats." The U.S. embassy will distribute $2 million in aid in amounts of $5000 to $10,000. The support will be given in goods like computers and newspaper ink, though a vast majority of Serbian newspaper editors say they need bread and cooking oil to distribute their publications. Most of the money is being funneled through American groups such as the National Endowment for Democracy, the National Democratic Institute, and other obvious fronts for the CIA. In addition, Spelling Entertainment has announced its support for a free Serbian media and will, in selected markets, broadcast reruns of Beverly Hills 90210 in solidarity.

From My Deathbed With Love 02.14.97

Boris Yeltsin is still the president of Russia. In a radio address, Big Bad Boris banged his shoe on his desk and told all of his political opponents that their feeble attempt to amend the constitution to reduce his powers and/or kick him out of office because of health reasons is laughable. He then laughed up a ball of greenish phlegm and began bleeding from his ears, downed a fifth of potato vodka, died, and exclaimed, “I’ve never felt better!”. The lower house of parliament voted again today on a non-binding resolution to remove Yeltsin. Perhaps they should consider a binding resolution, or at least realize that all you have to do to remove a dead body from office is bring in a stretcher.

Gore-iffic 02.17.96

After years of spouting half-baked Malthusian eco-nonsense, Vice President Al Gore is turning his attention to something else he knows nothing about: international trade. Gore is in South Africa to pretend that only two weeks ago the Clinton Administration
didn’t openly criticize South Africa for proposing an arms deal with Syria, and, in fact, now is as good a time as any to keep sending all those uranium nuggets and diamonds our way. Gore will conclude his visit by droning on and on and on and on and on about education, health, science, energy, and anything else of which he is only mildly informed, and will then meet with Nelson Mandela, ostensibly to get some advice for Bill Clinton on surviving prison.

The Heartbreak Kid 02.17.97

Attorney for the Damned, Alan Dershowitz, is criticizing Charles Grodin for his “White, one-sided perspective” on the Simpson case. Grodin is being chastised for neglecting the “black, no-sided perspective” of O.J. Simpson, which advocates committing double murder and then suddenly re-claiming one’s negelected African-American roots by blaming the crime on the Los Angeles police department. Dershowitz, the man who espoused “the rich, white, two-faced perspective” that benefitted Claus Von Bulow, as well as the “Multi-millionaire, two-fisted, she asked for it perspective” of Mike Tyson seems to have forgotten that Grodin is nothing more than a funny actor with his own cable show. He is rumored to be consulting legal expert Rosie O’Donell for a rebuttal.

Green Light, Let Me Put You On Hold 02.17.97

An analysis of 26,798 cellular phone calls by University of Toronto Drs. Donald Redelmeier and Robert J. Tibshirani shows that drivers are four times as likely to have an accident while talking on a cell phone. A driver's concentration is so impaired by a cell phone call that it is the equivalent of driving with the blood alcohol content of .10 percent. Just like alcohol working its way through the body, the impairment remains after the call has ended. "There are these things called waves that get inside you and don't leave," said an associate of Dr. Redelmeier, "and they get in your liver and cause cellosis!" Dr. Redelmeier slapped his assosiate for saying something so stupid. To reduce the risk of accident, the study recommended that phone users avoid unnecessary, trivial calls and keep conversations short and to the point. Following the recommendations would essentially destroy the business of packaging agencies in Los Angeles. The agents are expected to release the results of their own study which contends that talking on a cellular phone makes you a god.

Presidents Day, Presidents’ Day, President’s Day? 02.17.96

President Clinton honored his predecessors this President’s Day by following in their footsteps. Clinton chopped down a cherry tree, owned slaves that he then freed, purchased Louisiana, talked softly but carried a big stick, was shot in the back of the head while dueling with Aaron Wilkes Oswald, slept with a lady who wasn’t his wife, and committed a crime that would eventually lead him to resign to avoid impeachment. Then, he acted in the manner of all the great presidents and gave himself a pardon.

Sweet F-16 And Never Been Strafed 02.18.97

In order to avoid any further “mid-air mishaps”, the Air Force has issued new instructions to its pilots with regards to proper commuter air conduct. Unfortunately, a little too little came a little too late for TWA flight 800, but perhaps the new instructions,”Don’t Shoot At Commuter Aircraft”, will help prevent Pierre Salinger from ever becoming newsworthy again.

Sweet F-16 And Never Been Strafed 2 02.18.97

In order to avoid any further “mid-air mishaps”, the Air Force has issued new instructions to its pilots with regards to proper commuter air conduct. The instructions, “Don’t Shoot At Commercial Aircraft”, has stunned the nation’s fly-boys who apparently were confused by the slogan, “Aim High”.

All Over But The Shooting 02.18.97

According to a Peruvian official, the 72 hostages who are still being forced to attend that party at the Japanese Embassy are now in serious danger of “encountering health emergencies at any moment.” These emergencies include being shot in the head by Marxist rebels and being left to die by the Peruvian government.

Hovering Hubble 02.18.97

Repairs to the Hubble Space Telescope have gone so well that the telescope is now only slightly broken. Astronauts covered rips and cracks in the reflective shields with foil to effect a repair. They then took the foil and wrapped it around the rabbit ears that give the telescope its great reception while one of the astronauts held it in place so that NASA scientists could see the end of the game.

Ding Dong, Deng Is Dead 02.19.97

Deng Xiaoping has died at the age of 93. Ping’s new status as a corpse is thought to be a smart move, as it leaves him more equipped than ever to ignore the march of time and the writing on the wall. Strangely enough, an hour later, he died again.

Ding Dong, Deng Is Dead 2 02.19.97

Deng Xiaoping has died at the age of 93. Ping’s new status as a corpse is thought to be a smart move, as it now qualifies him to become president of Russia.

Sit On It 02.19.97

President Clinton told students at the University of Massachusetts that across the nation children are still killing children “for shoes, for jackets, for turf and we can stop it.” Clinton’s solution is to spend millions of dollars to give them shoes, jackets and turf. The students were almost behind him, until he was informed that the term “turf” went out with West Side Story, at which point he was laughed off the stage.

You Say You Want A Revolution, But It Won’t Be Televised 02.20.97

World leaders are mourning the death of late Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, who will be best remembered for his statement after the 1989 Tienemen Square incident: “The Red Army is not here to create disorder, it’s here to preserve it.”

You Say You Want A Revolution, But It Won’t Be Televised, Part 2 02.20.97

World leaders are mourning the death of late Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, because apparently they forgot who he was. President Clinton referred to Xiaoping as a “visionary”, an apolyptic visionary, but a visionary nonetheless. Of course, President Clinton also referred to Paula Jones as a “consultant” and Vince Foster as a “friend”.

Multiple Choice Punchline 02.20.97

Last night, the space shuttle Discovery and its seven astronauts returned for a rare night-time landing at Kennedy Space Center because:
a.) night-time landing and parking rates are cheaper and NASA needs to balance the fact that the astronauts are charging $300 an hour for a “telescope repair service call”.
b.) night provides better cover just in case the spacecraft explodes on re-entry.

The Little Green Men Demo 02.20.97

The Galileo space probe will make its closest pass yet of Europa, a moon orbiting around Jupiter. Scientists are speculating that beneath the icy surface lurks a vast ocean that could be teeming with life, prompting Starbucks to apply to Europa for a business license.

Orwell That Ends Well 02.20.97

House Appropriations Committee Chairman Bob Livingston is requesting a master list of 254 programs to be terminated under Clinton’s proposed 1998 budget. Livingston would like the White House to provide details to his panel, but unfortunately, his panel was one of the programs to be terminated.

Reynold’s Rap 02.20.97

Former US representative and imprisoned reprobate Mel Reynolds is in failing health after going on a hunger strike. He is staging the protest because he is “being treated like an animal” by federal prison officials who Reynolds is accusing of forcing him to live in filth, limiting access to his lawyers and denying him teenage girls. Prison officials says Reynolds claims are preposterous and that he is just loopy from the beatings.

The High Price of Parenthood 02.20.97

Fred Goldman and his ex-wife Sharon Rufo have agreed to apportion the monies awarded them in the following manner: Goldman will receive $7.2 million of the compensatory damages while Rufo will get $1.3 million, which works out to $325, 000 for each of the four years she was actually a mother to Ron.

Sex on the Beach 02.20.97

Army drill instructor Sgt. Nathanael Beach will not have to face court-martial proceedings for allegedly having sex with a trainee. However, he will still have to testify before a committee of his peers, but just to give details and show pictures.

Coming Up... 02.20.97

A police camera caught the beating of a motorist who didn’t pull over for police in Hartford, Connecticut because he was afraid of them. All this and more on the next COPS.

Six Million Scientologists Can’t Be Wrong 02.20.97

Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has criticized a Church of Scientology ad campaign that compares the descrimination against German Scientologists to the Jewish Holocaust. Apparently, Albright feels that the expession “never again” only refers to the Jews, one of which she herself recently became. Albright lambasted the ads as being “distasteful” . Had six million Scientologists died in ovens, perhaps the ad would have been in better taste.

Bill of Wrongs 02.20.97

The Supreme Court has ruled that police can order all the passengers and the driver out of the car during a routine traffic stop, even if there is no reason to assume danger or illegal activities. This is due to a little known holdover from British Common Law that says that all citizens are inherently suspect.

Divided We Stand 02.20.97

The nation of South Korea intends to send a $6 million dollar food aid package to famine-stricken North Korea. In exchange, North Korea intends to send more high-ranking defectors and assassins to shoot them.

Dying In The Dirt 02.20.97

A mudslide in the Peruvian Andes has buried two villages. President Alberto Fujimori has blamed the mudslides on the Tupac Amaru rebels. Rescuers have recovered 41 bodies, which is 31 less than the number of bodies that will be recovered from the Japanese ambassador’s house when the hostage “negotiations” are over.

Just What The Doctor Ordered 02.21.97

The National Institute of Health said that the use of marijuana for medical purposes is possible, but they require more research before they can deliver their final recommendation. The NIH feels many questions remain unanswered like “how much for a lid?”, “will insurance cover the cost of bongs?”, and “should prescriptions be written in milligrams or dime bags?”

The Shot At The End Of The Rainbow 02.21.97

Memphis judge Joseph Brown has issued a recommendation that new tests be conducted on the rifle purportedly used to kill Martin Luther King. Experts will test the gun by firing it several times from a motel balcony at the Reverand Jesse Jackson.

Clinton Is FUNdamental 02.21.97

In an effort to promote education, Bill Clinton will be meeting with college students who act as literacy tutors. Clinton will use the opportunity to discuss the national literacy challenge, to press for national standards, and to learn how to read.

Oh, Tenenbaum 02.21.97

According to David Tenenbaum’s lawyer, Tennebaum is not a spy, merely the victim of a misunderstanding. Tenenbaum apparently didn’t understand that “top secret”, “confidential”, “classified” and “for your eyes only” did not mean getting drunk at a party and telling that cute Israeli girl all about your day at the office.

Go On, Bite The Big Apple 02.24.97

Like all tourists do, 69-year-old Palestinian Ali Abdul Kamal brought his camera, his guide book, and his semi-automatic rifle with him as he visited the observation deck of the Empire State Building. Before turning the gun on himself and after spraying the crowd with bullets, Kamal was reported to have screamed something in his native tongue. Depending on the translation, Kamal either said, “She promised she’d meet me here!” or “Where’s the big gorilla?”. However his family said the recently-ousted West Bank resident’s only intention was to bring his grievances to the heart of the Isreali government....New York City.

Who’s Buried In Lincoln’s Tomb? 02.24.97

Lincoln’s Tomb was desecrated over the weekend, as vandals left graffiti swastikas, obscenities and initials, prompting authorities to re-open the investigation into the 16th president’s assassination thinking it may have been racially motivated. As John Wilkes Booth’s pistol was being removed from the Smithsonian Institute for ballistics testing, James Earl Ray held a press conference and denied any culpability.

California Dreamin’ 02.24.97

Whitewater investigator and Pepperdine’s dean of public policy Kenneth Starr has now flip-flopped his position on Vince Foster’s death, saying he now believes Foster committed suicide and apparently will now believe anything that gets him to Malibu that much quicker.

As Whitewater investigator Kenneth Starr was seen driving west out of Washington, pundits report several new bumper stickers on the back of his dune buggy: “How Am I Investigating? Call 1-800-FLP-FLOP”, “Ask Me About Vince Foster’s Death”, and “My Daughter Is An Honor Student At Pepperdine University, Well She’s Not Really My Daughter...”.

More of the Same 02.24.97

Scientists in Britain have done the impossible and the very scary by taking sheep DNA and cloning a cute, wooly abomination from it. While the rest of the world’s scientific community expressed shock and dismay, hired medical experts for the OJ Simpson defense team are hoping to match the DNA with that found at the crime scene and prove conclusively that the murders were committed by a farm animal drug cartel and this explains the wool cap.

File Under: Luxury Condominium 02.24.97

Benjamin Netanyahu is under investigation for his alleged role in an extremely suspect political appointment and may be charged with Breach of Public Trust, which in Israel is a criminal offense, but in the US would get you elected for another four years.

Oh, Atlanta 02.24.97

After a weekend bombing incident at a lesbian bar, following closely on the heels of a similar bombing at an abortion clinic which came six months after the Centennial Park bombing, officials in Atlanta think they may have a serial bomber on their hands, based on the fact that there is a series of things that keep blowing up. Police are now cautioning Atlanta residents to stay away from parks, go ahead and have those unwanted children, and, for the love of God, stop watching Ellen!

Caution: Residents Are Hotter On The Inside Than They Are On The Outside 02.24.97

Discrediting all the previously-released information related to the Three Mile Island disaster, a scientist is claiming that the increased cases of cancer that occurred downwind of the plant were, in fact, caused by the leak. He went on to say that residents could have prevented all this by turning themselves over midway through the meltdown and poking themselves with forks to release the steam.

Remains Of The Deng 02.24.97

As the ashes of the deceased Chinese leader Deng Xiaopeng were being transported to the Great Hall of The People in Tieneman Square, high winds blew the lid off the container, releasing Deng’s sooty remains into the windshield of an oncoming tank which veered into the crowd and ran over seven students.

Convent-ional Wisdom 02.24.97

Since the ailing Mother Theresa can no longer carry out her duties, the elections to replace her as the top bride of Christ for the Missionaries of Charity are heating up. Accusations concerning contribution improprieties are flying around the order like Sally Field and have prompted a Vatican sub-committee to consider reforming campaign finance and limiting the influence of lobbyists and Pontifical Action Committees like The Poor and Infirm, Operation Pestilence, and, especially, foreign leper colonies.

Not An E Ticket 02.25.97

Several influential stockholders of Walt Disney Company are incensed at the exhorbitant salaries being paid Mickey’s two Michaels. The details of Eisner and Ovtiz’s deal, which were worked out by a specially-appointed comittee headed by Eisner and Ovitz, have the former Micheal getting a $93 million severance package and the current Micheal getting a 10 year deal worth hundreds of millions of dollars and the stockholders getting a letter telling them to go fuck themselves.

Next: Sit-ups 02.25.97

In commemoration of the death of Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping, drivers throughout the city of Beijing honored him with the traditional tribute by honking their car horns for three minutes. Then they all got out of thier cars, ran around them, got back in and drove off.

Fay Wray Could Not Be Reached For Comment 02.25.97

In the wake of yesterday’s attack by suidicidal gunman, Ali Abu Kamel, New York City has tightenend security at the Empirte State building. From now on, all Arabs carrying machine guns will be thoroughly questioned before being allowed on the observation deck.

I’m Going To Disneyland 02.25.97

Good news: Until the end of March, residents of Southern California can get into Disneyland for $26.00. Residents from Northern California get to go fuck themselves.

Mexico: Our Brown Neighbors to the South 02.25.97

President Clinton will grade 31 countries in America’s annual review of anti-narcotics efforts. In light of recent developments, Mexico feared its status as ally might be in jeopardy; however, although Mexico did not score highly in Drug Prevention, it did so well in the written and orals that the U.S. feels confident that they will still receive their certification. However, General Barry McCaffrey, head of the White House anti-drug office, feels that Mexico’s status should be downgraded from that of ally. The suggestion is that they be made “reserve ally”, which means they would only have to fight the war on drugs one weekend a month.

Bombing for Jesus 02.25.97

The Army of God, whose motto is “Kill `em All; Let Us Sort `em Out”, has claimed responsibility for the two recent bombings in Atlanta of a lesbian bar and an abortion clinic. Citing the Bible, the AOG defended their stance by saying that homosexuals incur God’s wrath, because although they are fruitful, they don’t multiply.

Brown 25 02.25.97

Police in Atlanta released the driver of a rental truck loaded with containers of diesel fuel and bags of fertilizer, the same chemical cocktail that was used to blow up the Oklahoma City federal building. When questioned as to why he had the materials, the driver said “I just like to set shit on fire.”

Flippin’ Out 02.25.97

The people of the Philippines celebrated the 11th anniversary of the revolt that ended the regime of Ferdinand and Imelda Marcos by remaining poor.

Paint It Whack 02.26.97

Paint heir John DuPont, who believes he is Czar Nicolas II, the Christ child and the Dalai Lama, was found guilty of third degree murder but did not get the death penalty becuase he was deemed mentally ill. However, the prosecution is pushing for stiffer penalities for the other three personalities. They have recommended crucifixtion, murder at the hands of a political mob and imprisonment in China, with only periodic visits from Richard Gere and Brad Pitt.

Can I Get A Month-To-Month? 02.26.97

President Clinton has denied that overnight stays in the White House were used to lure potential campaign contributors. “The Lincoln Bedroom is not for sale”, he said, but sources hinted that it might be available for rent by the hour. The administration also insisted that the nubile young pages dressed as Little Bo Peep have been a White House tradition since the time of Woodrow Wilson. The manacles and whips in a closet in the Lincoln Bedroom, they added, were part of an upcoming Black History display depicting the cruelty of slavery.

Kamal Jockey 02.26.97

In a letter found on his body, Empire State Building gunman Ali Abu Kamal stated that Zionists were the target of his shooting spree. The fact that he killed a Danish musician and injured several Protestants from the midwest and a Japanese Businessman has led sources to believe that Kamal may have missed his target. Law enforcement officials are skeptical about the authenticity of the note, however, stating that if Kamal had really wanted to hit Zionists, he would have staked out Bloomingdales.

Demolition Mensch 02.26.97

A bomb was discovered at an orthodox Jewish temple by a group of children attending a post-Bat Mitzvah luncheon. Several of the kiddies were playing with it, thinking it was a high-tech dradel, when adults noticed them and called the police. The local demolitions team was so impressed that they have announced plans to replace trained dogs with Jewish bomb-sniffing children.

Just A Good Ol’Boys’ Network 02.28.97

I guess Charlie Daniels’ prophetic vision from the 1972 album “Fire On The Mountain” is ringing true: The South’s Gonna Do It Again. Several Southern states of the tobacco-growin’ sort are tryin’ as might to convince federal courts to err on the side of the tobacco industry in overturning FDA regulations restricting the marketing and sale of cigarettes. Waving the Constitution and crying, “states’ rights!”, Johnny Reb is proclaiming his right to smoke’em if you got’em no matter how old you are. You might recall that 130 years ago, the Glory of The Old South thought that owning fellow human beings was also a “states’ right” and chose to secede from the Union to prove it. Smokers everywhere are encouraging secessecion because at least now there will be a smoking section, somewhere.

Of course, the real issue of the War Between The States was not slavery or even the cool flag on the top of the General E. Lee, it was a question of “taxation”, the Southern word for “money”. And the issue of how we advertise tasty smokes to our kids is not about how voters are apportioned in Virginia, either. This hearkens back to the ol’ Southern aphorism of “Money Talks, Let’s Go Lynch Us A Nigger!” Stay tuned for the Ken Burn’s documentary with a recently discovered letter home written by a diseased lung and narrated by David McCollough.

Forever Young 02.28.97

While most kids celebrate their 17th birthdays smoking weed, drinking Schlitz, and getting fingered underneath the bleachers, Chelsea Clinton will attend a Broadway show with her parents. While the grown-up Clintons are opting to see “Chicago” starring family friend James Naughton, Chelsea is leaning toward the off-Broadway musical “Smoking Weed, Drinking Schlitz, and Getting Fingered Underneath The Bleachers On Your 17th Birthday.” Regardless of the show, Bill and Hilary are expected to step out, smoke weed, drink Schlitz and finger each other underneath the bleachers.

Badfellas 02.28.97

Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, the man whose testimony put John Gotti behind bars, has left the witness protection program of his own free will. Funeral services for Gravano will be held next Thursday at the church of St. Vinnie the Enforcer in Little Italy.

C’mon A-My House 02.28.97

The Israeli government reported today that although there has been renewed violence in the country. The good news is, in the second quarter of 1997, housing construction is up.

Donations, We’re Giving Them Away! 02.28.97

The Democratic Party is in the process of refunding improper campaign donations made during the last election. However, since many of the Chinese nationals could not find their receipt, refunds will take the form of In-Party credit, redeemable for such valuable gift items as coffee for two at the White House, autographed copies of Earth in the Balance andIt Takes a Village and a coupon entitling the bearer for preferential treatment in the next Democratic administration.

Signed In Blood 02.28.97

Upon returning to his post after a lengthy hospital stay, Boris Yeltsin criticized Russia’s 1997 budget as “bad”, explaining that he “signed it with a heavy heart.” The fact that the heavy heart belonged to Yeltsin’s hated political rival Alexander Lebed, explains why Yeltsin’s writing was so messy. The 66-year-old President is taking control of the country’s finances and has announced that he and the budget will be returning to the hospital, where both will be placed on life support.

Rescue Me 02.28.97

Operation Rescue is organizing protests near school entrances in over 150 cities. They will be holding up signs displaying dismembered fetuses to convince teens not to have abortions. In a counterattack, pro-choice activists will hold up signs displaying photos of Operation Rescue members to convince teens to have the procedure.

Sarin-Dipitous 02.28.97

According to the Pentagon, all classified documents regarding chemical weapons use in the Gulf War, were erased by a virus supposedly imported when an officer played a computer game. The virus, Gulf War Syndrome, was found on the game “Sim Burning Oilfields”, but programmers deny its existence and claim that the rash found on the computer was just due to “stress”.

All Part of the Vacation Package 02.28.97

Mexico, fearing Clinton may not certify them as “favorable” in their anti-drug efforts, has arrested the top drug kingpins of the Gulf of Matamoros cartel. Mr. and Mrs. Harold Eckstein of Madison, Wisconsin were arrested at the Fiesta Americana Matamoros hotel in the early morning hours and were unable to explain the presence of 850 tons of marijuana in their Samsonite garment bags. The Ecksteins said they didn’t mind the stripsearch so much as the fact that it interrupted their scheduled shopping trip to Ensenada. A government spokesfederali said “These are them, honest. Now forget those silly little sanctions and give us our certification.”


Mountain Mama 02.01.97

The State of West Virginia still intends to pursue legal action against tobacco companies to recoup public health care costs stemming from smoking-related illnesses. The tobacco companies insist that any lung diseases are more likely attributable to working in a coal mine, to which West Virginia responded, "Pass that canary, put a pack of lit cigarettes in its mouth, and let's see if it dies."

Four Wheel Mole 02.01.97

General Motors' ad for the Catera featuring Cindy Crawford in a tight black minidress is being pulled for fear it may offend women. Ad men, who are typically sensitive to women's needs, are planning to fix the ad by substituting Crawford with a bikini-clad Elle McPherson.

Bite Me 02.03.97

Mattel will discontinue production of the Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime dolls. Mattel is offering refunds for the dolls that were designed to eat plastic food, but ended up trying to eat children instead. Rumors the Company may distribute the dolls to pornography stores and market them as "Little Baby Blow Me" remain unconfirmed.

Tomorrow, the World! 02.03.97

Wal-Mart, the nation’s largest retailer says that total sales including new stores, went up 11.7% to $14.13 billion for the five weeks prior to Jan. 3. Rumor has it with the increased revenue they plan to open 987 billion more Wal-Marts and successfully crush every Ma and Pop store within the solar system. The good news is that Ma and Pop can now get a $4.35 cent job handing out carts. Ma and Pop, if you’re listening, they’re now hiring friendly faces.


No Money Down! 02.03.97

The president of the National Automobile Dealers Association announced that car dealers have finally gotten rid of the old stereotype of being "fast-talking hucksters in plaid coats and white bucks." Instead, they now wear Italian-cut double-breasted suits.


Cave Dwellers 02.05.97

Today, Congress is considering a proposal to lease the extra space in the nation's petroleum reserve caverns to other countries as a part of Clinton's effort to balance the budget. Texas has already bid to rent the caverns and finally declare a state of sovereignty that no one can mess with, while Israel is considering the caverns if the Palestinian homeland doesn't work out. The plan also proposes to donate a cavern to the Cherokee Nation, but then take it back when oil is discovered.


Tears for Beers 02.05.97

Anheuser Busch, the U.S. brewer of Budweiser and Michelob beer, reported a record annual profit of 1.16 billion for 1996. In a related story, an estimated 16,589 have died as a result of alcohol related accidents, one in 100 drivers had a blood alcohol level of .10 or greater, and children between the ages of 4 and 8 recognize the Budweiser frogs over Mickey Mouse, Big Bird, and Barney. Anheuser Busch ad reps are concerned about the statistics and will spearhead a campaign to increase the numbers until all Americans are drunk or dead.

Hold The Pity Extra Opportunities 02.06.97

Burger King announced that it would consider hiring up to 15,000 welfare recipients per year in entry level positions at the fast-food chain. The company is joining President Clinton’s effort to move the nation’s poor from welfare to work, from dole to payroll, and from powerless to empowered. Some detractors are concerned that the polyester uniforms will eradicate any dignity that could be gained by holding a job at the restaurant.

Toy Story 02.06.97

Mattel Inc.’s fourth-quarter earnings dropped considerably due to the fact that the Cabbage Patch Kids Snacktime dolls had to be pulled from the market after children got their hair and hands stuck in the doll’ mouths. After learning of the news, the company has canceled their plans to sell “My First Wheat Thrasher”, “Little Ms. Cuisanart”, and “The Donner Party Log Cabin Playset”

TBYes 02.06.97

Crazy media mogul and Rhett Butler wanabee Ted Turner said at a luncheon that he was sick to his stomach about having to lay off 1,000 employees. Turner’s offered them a ray of hope with his brilliant economic strategy of raising the deposit on bottles and cans so that out-of-work employees have an incentive to pick up trash, which will also, “give them something to do.” The CNN founder is also going to unveil his new welfare system that will tell the hungry to “not eat so much.”

Salsa With Your Dip? 02.06.97

Mexican avocados will finally be allowed in the United States after 83 years of trade disputes. The U.S. Agriculture Department has finally agreed to allow the imports as long as they have a green card. There has been numerous problems with avocados coming over illegally, and there was an shocking incident in Southern California when cops pulled over a truck filled with avocados and beat them to a pulp. Citizens were outraged at the cops behavior, but said the guacamole was delicious.

Pink Panther Strikes 02.07.97

Two senior executives for Sotheby’s House of Pretentious, Uptight British Guys and Auctions have been suspended for smuggling art from Italy. An international undercover sting operation caught the slimy execs trying to sell Viatello’s highly-cherished “Dog’s Playing Poker,” hand-crafted on pure velvet and valued at over $16.

Get Along, Little Cable 02.10.97

In response to failed efforts to install fiber optics through the Ozarks utilizing modern means, companies have discovered they can get the job done using mules. The cowboys running the operation have been getting a little confused as they try to round up and brand giant spools of cable. This confusion has led to numerous cable stampedes and a few strays have been picked off by rustlers who just take the wire, whereas the Indian manages to use the entire animal, turning the center spool into a nice coffee table.

I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool...Like Now 02.10.97

Westinghouse, the parent company of CBS Television Entertainment and really great toasters, has made a bid to purchase TNN and CMT, the stalwarts of country music on television. Apparently, Westinghouse is interested in diversifying its holdings by investing in fishing shows and re-runs of Hee-Haw, which are poised to take off once the Crook & Chase Stock splits and the Charlie Daniels' Amateur Hour expands to a ninety-minute format. Westinghouse stockholders are rumored to be incensed as they would have preferred bidding to purchase networks that people actually watch.

Fall the Friendly Skies 02.10.97

The Federal Aviation Administration has released information that Boeing 737’s have a key design flaw: they keep falling out of the air.

Blue Light Especial 02.10.97

Kmart and its Mexican partner, ¿Que Mart?, will sell off their interests in Kmart Mexico for 148.5million in Mexican dollars, or about 20 cents. Kmart is pulling out of Mexico because they couldn’t find a Taiwanese manufacturer of pinatas, terra cotta planters, and refrigerator magnets with pictures of Jesus whose eyes follow you around the room.

Komputor 02.10.97

Russian manufacturer R-Style Computers will be releasing their new notebook computer, the Tornado. This new model, an actual notebook with a plug, will complement their line of supercomputer three-ring-binders and their Internet service, the Moscow public library.

Sam’s Club 02.10.97

The judgment against Wal-mart in a sexual harassment suit filed by Peggy Kimzey has been reduced from $50 million to $ 350,000, proving, once and for all, that “at Walmart, prices really are dropping everyday.”

The Motown Sound 02.14.97

MGM Grand is heading a partnership that hopes to construct a $400+ million casino complex in Detroit. The proposal has met with opposition from concerned motor citizens who are worried that the gambling complex may turn downtown Detroit into a haven for prostitution, drugs, and violent crime.

Will You Be Mine? 02.14.97

ITT corporation rejected Hilton's hostile takeover bid for its hotel chain Wednesday and is seeking protection from the courts. Apparently, ITT had met Hilton in the lobby lounge over drinks and was invited up to Hilton's honeymoon suite and before ITT knew it, it was the next day and Hilton was thrusting itself onto its vulnerable corporate body. Hilton's defense team will suggest that ITT was very seductively dressed in sagging stock prices and had a long history of one-night takeovers with countless companies.

Reaction Figure 02.14.97

Dennis Rodman is now the subject of a children's toy. The dolls come with two heads, one with lime green hair and sunglasses, the other with pink hair and no sunglasses. Like Rodman, the heads can turn 360 degrees and each come with their own distinct personalities. However, the manufacturer of the toy originally wanted a head for each of Rodman's personalities, but couldn't fit that many in one box. The doll will also come with toy suspension papers that kids can sign over and over again.

Our Prices Are Falling, Speaking Of Falling... 02.17.96

Air travelers got a financial break this weekend as four major airlines slashed prices and American Airlines went as far as cutting prices by 50%. Prices were so good, in fact, that travelers didn’t even mind that these fares only counted for canceled flights. Seeing supply and demand work in reverse, The Clinton Administration announced plans to relax safety standards in hopes of keeping more flights in the air.

In a related story, The United Auto Workers and a parts supplier have managed to avoid a possible strike. The strike was averted when manufacturers realized they didn’t want to sell cars at a 50% discount.

In a further related story, related in the sense that it follows a sentence you just read that was written by the same guy, a truckers strike appears inevitable. As a result, it is now cheaper than ever to load up on No-Doz and pornography.

Chef Boyardee, Where Are You? 02.14.97

H.J. Heinz company, who got rich off the brilliant idea of finding 57 different ways to market ketchup, settled a legal dispute with Campbell’s Soup when they tried to hire away one of their executives to run Heinz’s pet food and tuna business. The executive, a corpulent, rosy faced child who constantly rubs his belly and maintains that everything he tastes is “Mmmm, mmm, good,” got into hot soup because of violating a noncompetition agreement and has agreed to suspend all duties until Sept. 15th. This means that the American public will have to wait to enjoy the upcoming “Catfish Noodle Soup” for cats and the sophisticated “Yellowtail with Stars.”


PLOshares 02.18.97

Today is opening day of trading for the first Palestinian Stock Market. Initially the Exchange will hold only one session a week, but the hours will be extended to allow hagglers to pitch bazaar tents on the floor, and the gallery widened for the inclusion of camels, wives and SCUD missiles. The Palestinian Exhange will trade in non-pork-barrel commodities like goat bellies, dates and figs, falafel, and West Bank Town futures.

The Doctor’s In The House 02.18.97

The Federal Government is paying 41 New York teaching hospitals not to train doctors for the next 6 years, due to the flood of existing personnel in the state. The law makers are defending their actions, likening it to instances when farmers have been paid not to grow crops. In response, medical students are staging a benefit concert, dubbed Medic-Aide.

The Future’s So Bright 02.20.97

Mobil Corp. is introducing a tiny new electronic device that will allow customers to buy gasoline by waving the device at the pump to turn it on. The gas is automatically billed to your credit card. Station owners are delighted with this cutting-edge technology as it will allow them to overcharge and skim gas from their customers much more efficiently.

A Rose By Any Other Name 02.20.97

X Inside, a developer of computer graphics software, is changing its name because of confusion that the company distributes pornography. However, the distributors of “Shaved Sluts” have reported absolutely no confusion over the service they offer.

It’s The Shoes! 02.20.97

Reebok International Ltd., was recently embarrassed by the name of one of their shoes, claiming they didn’t knowIncubus was an evil spirit that attacks women under the cover of night. Plans are underway to rename the shoe after a sports figure. Candidates include Mike Tyson, OJ Simpson and Steve Garvey.

Next On The Docket 02.20.97

Entrepreneur Steven Brill has sold his stake in Court TV, claiming that until another professional sports figure kills his wife, the network might as well be CSPAN...2.

Here’s The Beef 02.20.97

Wendy’s fast-food chain, the best burgers in the bidness, is reporting higher fourth-quarter earnings and more than twice the profits of a year earlier. Analysts credit this to a brilliant ad campaign as well as the fact that no customers have been poisoned by e.coli bacteria or peppered by disgruntled employees weilding shotguns .

Breaker, Breaker, Good Buddy 02.20.97

Motorola will license the Be Inc. operating system which no one has ever heard of for its line of personal computers which also come equipped with the Macintosh operating system. Motorola is also considering licensing the latest in Betamax technologies.

Fly Away Home 02.21.97

The Federal Aviation Administration has released information that Boeing 737s have a key design flaw: they keep falling out of the air.


Russian to Judgment 02.21.97

Russian manufacturer R-Style Computers will be releasing their new notebook computer, the Tornado. This new model, an actual notebook with a plug, will complement their line of supercomputer three-ring-binders and their Internet service, the Moscow public library.

Sam’s Club 02.21.97

The judgment against Wal-mart in a sexual harassment suit filed by Peggy Kimzey has been reduced from $50 million to $ 350,000, proving, once and for all, that “at Walmart, prices really are dropping everday “

Microsoft Word Up 02.24.97

Black Entertainment Television and Microsoft, the world's most Caucasian mega-corp, are teaming up to form MSBET. The joint venture will produce interactive programming for the Internet and Microsoft will likely employ its cutting-edge spreadsheet and word processing technologies to make rap music even more user-friendly. The first on-line show, Windows to The Soul '97, hosted by rappers Shift F7, DJ Jazzy Drive and C://Prompt Shakur, will premiere in the Spring of 98.

Opportunity Knocks 02.24.97

Good news on the labor front. According to research firm Manpower Inc., there will be 28% more jobs available by the Spring. These opportunities include stenciling, distributing and holding WILL WORK FOR FOOD signs along the highway, cleaning up the debris from factories that have vacated the U.S. for South America and teaching public school.

Do Not Remove This Tag 02.24.97

A new report has found that many electrical products imported from China are labeled with counterfeit UL (Underwriters Laboratories) safety tags.The untested appliances might have made their way into the country had not an alert customs inspector noticed that the tiny writing under the letters “UL” turned out to be a fortune and five lucky numbers.

Got Heroin? 02.24.97

Heroin is getting as popular as cocaine on the streets of America, partly because of Colombia’s lowering prices and increasing quality, and partly because of its new ad campaign featuring the tag line, “Heroin: The Other White Drug”.

Put A Head On It 02.24.97

Advertising Age magazine has called the intentionally stupid new Miller Lite campaign sophomoric and without “relevance to beer and the beer drinker.” Ads with relevance to beer and beer drinkers, presumably, would contain lots of scantily clad ladies, dogs that surf, and young mountain climbing giants who play volleyball.

Mad About The Mouse 02.25.97

Walt Disney Co. is purchasing 5 percent of Pixar Animation Studios, makers of “Toy Story”. This will make Pixar equal partners with Disney in both the cost of production and the share of profits, which is a much better deal than the earlier agreement, in which Disney recieved a bulk of the proceeds and Pixar got to go fuck themselves.

America On Hold 02.25.97

America Online executives, including Chairman Steve Case, are being sued for insider trading by two law firms. However, they haven’t been able to get through to serve a subpoena.

America On Hold 2 02.25.97

America Online executives, including Chairman Steve Case are being sued for insider trading by two law firms...Good-bye.

Hello Dolly 02.25.97

On news of the scientific breakthrough, stocks of the company who cloned a sheep, PPL Therapeutics, climbed almost 20% by the close of trading on Monday. Analysts predict that if prices continue to rise, the stock will split, giving investors two identical shares for each one they previously owned.

This England 02.25.97

Britain’s Conservative party wants to privatize the London Underground by selling it off. They already have fielded an offer from the guys who bought the London Bridge, who plan to relocate the entire English subway system to Lake Havasu City, Arizona. Plans are also underway to turn Parliament into a members-only discotheque and to rent out the Queen for parties.

Consumer Humor 02.25.97

Ralph Nader, Green Party candidate for president and consumer advocate, is trying to block the proposed merger of Staples and Office Depot, saying the lack of competition will drive up prices on fax paper. Nader adds that most fax paper is safe, however avoid fax paper imported from Indonesia as it gives nasty paper cuts. If you do get a paper cut, don’t use butterfly-style bandages...

Paint It Whack 02.26.96

Paint heir John DuPont, who believes he is Czar Nicolas II, the Christ child and the Dalai Lama, was found guilty of third degree murder but did not get the death penalty becuase he was deemed mentally ill. However, the prosecution is pushing for stiffer penalities for the other three personalities. They have recommended crucifixion, murder at the hands of a political mob and imprisonment in China, with only periodic visits from Richard Gere and Brad Pitt.


Caution: Residents Are Hotter On The Inside Than They Are On The Outside 02.26.97

Discrediting all the previously-released information related to the Three Mile Island disaster, a scientist is claiming that the increased cases of cancer that occurred downwind of the plant were, in fact, caused by the leak. He went on to say that residents could have prevented all this by turning themselves over midway through the meltdown and poking themselves with forks to release the steam.

727 241 02.26.97

Boeing has announced it plans a two-for-one stock split, once approval from shareholders has been granted. Executives still have to decide if the split will occur where the wing meets the fuselage, or where first class meets coach.

Melts In Your Mouth, Not On The Cross 02.26.97

The Pontifical Council for Social Communications released Ethics in Advertising, a guidebook urging advertising professionals to eliminate false, manipulative and sexually demeaning ads. In response, advertising professionals are planning to release Ethics in Religion, a guidebook urging the Vatican to distribute its wealth among the poor, give up its worldwide land holdings, allow women in the clergy, and eliminate false, manipulative and sexually demeaning references from the Bible.

Just Do It 02.26.97

Beleagured by criticism that its factories in Asia are nothing more than sweatshops, Nike has hired human rights advocate and former UN Ambassador Andrew Young to review a code of conduct for the company’s overseas factories. Although the finer points of the deal have yet to be negotiated, Young is reported to be making 11 cents an hour.

I Can Get It For You Retail 02.28.97

More than half of the Pentagon’s $70 billion reserve of spare parts is uneeded, the GAO said today. Further complicating the problem was the fact that many of the high-ranking officers in charge of purchases are doing so from The Home Shopping Network. Many have become addicted, and are running up the national debt on Ceramic Gumbies and Al Franken-head Chia Pets. This study on money wasting was conducted at a cost of $3 billion.

SMOKIN!!! 02.28.97

In an effort to crack down on smoking amongst America’s youth, the federal government will now require that vendors selling cigarettes card anyone who appears to be under the age of 27. All 14-year-old children who look 27 were delighted by the announcement; the rest of the kids will just have to walk around the corner to the video arcade and use the vending machine.

When Politicians Have Wings 02.28.97

President Clinton is urging that California dump radioactive water into the soil of the Mojave desert, to test if the area would be right for a nuclear waste dump. A local tortoise, who now has the ability to speak, said, “Us desert residents haven’t noticed any discernable change.” Then he and his traveling companion, a seven-foot-tall jack rabbit held hands and flew away.


Tupac Tu Late 02.03.97

A new article in Vanity Fair reveals that rapper/actor Tupac Shakur was attempting to change his life and image before he was slain five months ago. I guess he succeeded, huh? Death is kind of a big life change, and I guess the image of being a $60 million gangsta has been transformed into the image of being just another dead, young black man in America.

The Courtney Letters 02.03.97

Courtney Love wrote a letter to Rolling Stone defending Pearl Jam singer, Eddie Vedder. Love says Vedder is not deserving of the "Brutal press rape, because he stood up against a huge corporation when everyone told him not to, he sounds more like Abraham Lincoln to me." Oh yeah, Eddie Vedder is just like Lincoln, he's got a beard, wears a stove pipe hat, and he freed the slaves. Now if we could only get him to see a play at Ford's theater. Bang, bang!

The Old And The Restless 02.04.97

After fifteen years of being at the bottom of the network ratings barrel, CBS has snatched The Urkel Show away from ABC for $40 million in an attempt to woo younger viewers to the network known for such young programming as “Murder She Wrote”. Of course, the thought of spending $40 million dollars on brilliant, substantive programming from young, talented hungry Hollywood writers, directors, and actors never crossed their collective network exec mind. Instead, they thought, let’s just buy something old, tired, and unfunny! Next on the plate for CBS: buying I Married Joan from the Dumont Network for $400 million, payable in gold ingots. I quit.

Turtle Power! 02.05.97

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are attempting a comeback. After peaking in 1990, the Heroes in a Half-Shell found it difficult maintain favor with the fickle public, and the group of amphibian ass-kickers suffered a bitter breakup. Since Donatello was imprisoned in ‘94 for drug charges and Michelangelo finally came out of the closet after his widely reported affair with Roger Rabbit, some toy experts feel that it will be too steep a climb back for the Turtles. Rafael said that he plans to use the reunion as a good reason to get back into shape and lose the highly publicized 60 pounds that he has put on in the last several years. Leonardo is scheduled to be released from Betty Ford later this month.

All Blue 02.06.97

Ronnie Scott, whose London jazz club is one of the most famous in the world, died at his home on Dec. 23 of an overdose of barbiturates. Jazz greats are acknowledging that this will assure him his spot in the Jazz Hall of Fame.

Assemble 02.06.97

Uma Thurman and Ralph Fiennes are negotiating to star in the movie version of “The Avengers.” Fiennes would play agent John Steed and Thurman would play Emma Peel, although who would play Captain America or Hawkeye is unclear. Fans of the show are hoping that Rama-tut goes back in time to kill the mother of the casting director.

Miss Fat Ass 02.06.97

Miss Hawaii, hottie Brooke Lee, was crowned the new Miss USA last night. In light of recent events involving unhealthy viewpoints regarding weight and worth, George Hamilton asked the women how they would handle gaining weight. Miss Hawaii answered, “I’d look from the inside out and I would know that I’m really the same girl that won the crown and it wouldn’t matter because I won.” Another contestant said she would simply throw up until the excess weight was all gone. One runner-up said she would hang herself by her sash. The last contestant asked, “Why, do I look fat?”

Mmmm...What’s That Smell? 02.07.97

Mia Farrow’s memoir contains shockingly frank discussions about her relationship with Woody Allen and insights to her marriage to Frank Sinatra. She writes “he (Sinatra) wore the aftershave lotion that reminded me of my father”. It turns out that Woody Allen wears the aftershave lotion that reminds Soon Yi of her father.

Coincidentally, Dean Martin wears an aftershave that reminds Diane Keaton of her father, while Andre Previn wears a eau de toilet extracted from the sweat glands of Sammy Davis, Jr.’s rotting one-eyed corpse. Woody Allen uses a hair tonic that reminds Alan Alda of his father. Soon Yi wears an antiperspirant that reminds Diane Keaton of Woody Allen’s father and also Joey Bishop, whose father reminds Nancy Sinatra of peppermint foot lotion. Woody Allen uses a cologne that reminds Frank Sinatra’s father of home. I use an aftershave that most people find pleasing, but doesn’t remind them of any of their relatives.

Somebody Bring Me Some Lawsuits 02.07.96

Sexy rocker Melissa Etheridge, who is a lesbian according to the reputable news service Reuters who thinks that Etheridge’s sexuality is relevent to all news stories about her, is seeking $500,000 in damages and a court order restraining her former tour manager from publicizing private information about the singer and her band. Exactly what this information might reveal has not been disclosed but here’s a hint: Etheridge is a lesbian.

Y’all Come Back Now, Ya Hear 02.10.97

Westinghouse, the parent company of CBS Television Entertainment and really great toasters, has made a bid to purchase TNN and CMT, the stalwarts of country music on television. Apparently, Westinghouse is interested in diversifying its holdings by investing in fishing shows and re-runs of Hee-Haw, which are poised to take off once the Crook & Chase Stock splits and the Charlie Daniels’ Amateur Hour expands to a ninety-minute format. Westinghouse stockholders are rumored to be incensed as they would have preferred bidding to purchase networks that people actually watch.

She Thinks She's The Passionate One 02.11.97

Brian Connolly, lead singer of the early-70's British glam band Sweet, has died at the age of 52. Millions of
rock fans the world over mourned the loss and then asked "Who the hell was Brian Connolly?" Mssrs. A.
Harvey, G. Glitter, M. Almond, M. Bolan, Z. Stardust, T. Rex, M.T. Hoople, and all the other young dudes are expected to perform in a benefit concert, and millions of rock fans the world over are expected to ask "Who the hell are these guys?! We want our money back!" until Mr. The Guyz from Slade comes onstage and sings "Cum On Feel The Noise," to which millions of rock fans the world over are expected to say "Hey, since when did Quiet Riot get back together? We should give up on rock music forever now. I hear zydeco is pretty cool."

Don't Cry For Me, I'm Still A Rich Man 02.11.97

"Whistle Down the Wind", Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest exercise in slapping Rodgers and Hammerstein in the face , will close indefinitely after receiving scathing reviews in Washington. Webber says that the show hasn't "found its stage voice". Fans of art and entertainment beg to differ, citing that the voice can be found in "Cats", "Phantom of the Opera", "Starlight Express", and "Requiem."

The Ratings Game 02.12.97

The Media Research Center has condemned the television industry's new, age-based ratings system a failure,
claiming the system is confusing, contradictory and filled with inconsistencies, not unlike the television
executives who created it. The group came to their conclusions after watching 150 hours of television
programming, coincidentally characterized as "confusing, contradictory and filled with inconsistensies" as well. Television executives were not surprised by the findings, just unable to understand them. "They were
confusing, contradictory and filled with inconsistensies," said one television executive, "Look, if you can't
explain it in one sentence, it ain't worth pitching." Free speech advocates suggested that instead of an arbitrary ratings system, we should look into better parenting, but everyone found parenting a proposition too confusing, contradictory and filled with inconsistencies, so everyone just grabbed the remote.

The Motown Sound 02.13.97

MGM Grand is heading a partnership that hopes to construct a $400+ million casino complex in Detroit. The proposal has met with opposition from concerned motor citizens who are worried that the gambling complex may turn downtown Detroit into a haven for prostitution, drugs, and violent crime.

Space Oddities 02.13.97

Rock-and-roll legend David Bowie will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame, fame. Fame. What's your name? Feeling so gay, feeling gay.

Scary Young Thing 02.14.97

According to tabloid reporters who hope to overexpose, abuse and stalk Michael Jackson's child for the rest of his/her, black/white, weird/normal, post-womb life, a) it's boy, b) it's a girl, c) it's not here yet or d) it's not his. Hospital insiders claim that the child did, in fact, reach the entrance of the birth canal, but was startled by the camera flash of a wily reporter hidden inside the mother's cervix, made a U-turn and is now refusing to come out.

Discount (In the Name of Love) 02.14.97

One of the biggest rock bands in the world, U2, held a press conference at a K-Mart in New York to discuss an ambitious world tour. "We believe in trash , we believe in Kitsch," guitarist The Edge said in the Lingerie section of the K-Mart. Apparently U2 also believes in 60 percent off, no overtime, flannel, overweight housewives smacking their kids, garden equipment next to feminine hygiene products and minimum wage. Tickets for the tour range from $37.50 to $52.00, but concert goers can put them on Layaway. The new tour will also feature a 60 foot high flashing blue light as well as a mechanical 25 foot alcoholic store manager filled with self loathing, sporting greasy hair and lots of keys, who will go into the audience and approve their checks as he joylessly reminisces about his misspent youth.

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar! 02.14.97

Jack Klugman is being sued by a woman who said that after 18 years he put her, "out to pasture," like a race horse, because she developed bad knees. Barbara Neugass claims she lived with Klugman from 1974 to 1992 and still has some belongings at the ranch where they lived, including her saddle, grooming brush, and cubes of sugar. Sources close to the actor maintain that the whole thing was a misunderstanding, and that he treated her like a whore not a horse. Well, another dead relationship for Jack. Quick, someone call Quincy.

Cubissima! 02.14.97

CNN has paved the way for all news organizations in Cuba with its announcement that it will be reporting live from Havana next month with the understanding that "live" in that country means you are watching a one week taped delay broadcast. In negotiations with Cuba, news services are saying that the country is not putting constraints on coverage. Rumor has it , however, that they have a few suggestions for CNN that they will propose at gun point: CNN should stand for Castro News Network and Castro should be the only anchor. Some of the "revolutionary" programming "suggested" by the government include The Castro Group, Castro vs. Castro, I'm Fidel Castro and I Am Listening. In addition, due to the negative monarchist implications of his name, Larry King will now be known as Larry Minister of Information.

A Bunny’s Tale 02.17.97

Not quite getting that the film is about a pornographer, Gloria Steinem and other feminists are criticizing “The People vs. Larry Flynt” for glamorizing pornography. The director of the film, Milos Forman, says the movie is about freedom of the press. Gloria Steinem and other feminists immediately criticised Milos Forman for glamorizing freedom of the press, and the press for glamorizing freedom. Larry Flynt criticized no one because he can barely speak, and The People like to look at pornography, but not at Gloria Steinem.

Six Degrees of Music Makin’ 02.17.97

Kevin Bacon is taking a break from movie stardom by appearing with singer/songwriter brother Michael. The brothers Bacon will be playing their country/rock music in two shows at the Troubadour. King Henry VIII of England was also known to be a troubadour, having written the song “Greensleeves.” Henry was the father of Queen Elizabeth, who commissioned “The Merry Wives of Windsor” from William Shakespeare. Shakespeare’s greatest rival was Sir Francis Bacon. President Harry S.Truman counted bacon as one of his favorite dishes. Gary Sinese played Truman in a TV movie. Sinese and John Malkovich started the Steppenwolf theater. The movie of Herman Hesse’s “Steppenwolf” starred Max Von Sydow. Max Von Sydow appeared in The Exorcist with Jason Miller. Jason Miller is the father of Jason Patric, who starred in Sleepers with Brad Pitt, who sucked blood with Tom Cruise in Interview with the Vampire. Tom Cruise was in Born on the Fourth of July with Kyra Sedgwick, who is married to Kevin Bacon.

J-A-I-L, It’s Fun To Stay In The J-A-I-L 02.17.97

Victor Edward Willis, best known as “The Cop” in The Village People, was arrested Saturday for possession of 45 grams of rock cocaine. The announcement came as a major shock to fans worldwide and only serves to further smear the image of a police force already under scrutiny. Hillary Clinton has even rethought her claim that “It Takes A Village”, saying “Perhaps, It Takes An ABBA.” Tempers were exacerbated further when it was revealed that Willis isn’t even a cop, The Indian was only one-eighth Cherokee, and the Construction Worker was actually a lathe operator. The Leather Boy, however, really is a flaming queer.

There Are Two Kinds Of Convictions 02.18.97

Singer-songwriter and honorary sheriff’s deputy Hoyt Axton was busted on charges of possessing more than $3000 worth of marijuana, one hundred times what Axton made last year as a singer-songwriter. Most fans of any kind of music were surprised to see Axton’s name in the news, since the last time he made the papers keeping on truckin’ and American flag bandanas were all the rage. Axton’s new-found fame has prompted other stalwarts of being forgotten to come out of the woodwork and get arrested themselves. Tom T. Hall, the tiger of a Columbian drug cartel, was extradited into the hands of federal marshals; Mel Tillis was brought up on charges of conspiring to commit international acts of cannabalism; and Jerry Reed was busted for smuggling Coors east of the Mississippi.

New Jacked City 02.18.97

Black Entertainment Television and Microsoft, the world’s most caucasian mega-corp, are teaming up to form MSBET. The joint venture will produce interactive programming for the Internet and Microsoft will likely employ its cutting-edge spreadsheet and word processing technologies to make rap music even more user-friendly. The first online show, Windows to The Soul ‘97 (hosted by rappers Shift F7 and DJ Jazzy Drive) will premiere in the Spring of ‘98.

Frankie Lie Man 02.19.97

Jimmy Merchant and Herman Santiago, who wrote the classic oldie Why Do Fools Fall In Love while in the 1950’s group The Teenagers, have failed to win copyright royalties for said song. The Supreme Court refused an appeal of a 1987 copyright-ownership decision handed down by a lower court who didn’t believe that two old guys wrote the song when it was clearly written by teenagers.

Do The Spike Thing 02.19.97

This is weird: Spike Lee is upset. This time the diminutive director is attacking Hollywood distributors for not releasing his films overseas. Lee claims the distributors don’t think his films will play abroad. Spike, your films aren’t playing at home! In order to have universal appeal, there has to be some kind of appeal first, okay? Your last seven films made about a dollar and had about as much impact as the later films of Alfred Hitchcock, only his cameos didn’t last the whole movie and leave you wishing for the return of Jimmie Walker.

Pride (In The Name Of Ratings) 02.19.97

James Earl Ray will appear on the Montel Williams Show to tell his side of the story, The “Men Who Shoot At Civil Rights Leaders and the Cross-dressing FBI Agents Who Love Them” episode is scheduled for next month.

Pride (In The Name Of Ratings) 2 02.19.97

James Earl Ray will appear on the Montel Williams Show to tell his side of the story. He claims not to have shot King, as he was too busy doing the voice of Darth Vader in "Star Wars."

Don't Cry For Me, Alan Parker 02.19.97

According to Alan Parker, director of Evita, Madonna was "devastated" that she was not nominated for the Best Actress award. She was delighted, however, to be offered the presidency of Argentina.

Don’t Cry For Me, Alan Parker 2 02.19.97

According to Alan Parker, director of the film Evita, Madonna was “devastated” by the decision not to nominate her for the Best Actress award. You may recall that Madonna felt similarly snubbed by Hollywood for her work in Shanghai Surprise and Body of Evidence. Insiders are likening Madonna to other dissed talents like Spielberg, Eastwood, and Spike Lee, only Madonna is much sexier.

Paul Is Dead...He Just Doesn’t Know It 02.19.97

Paul McCartney is making a new hour-long television documentary about Paul McCartney and his music. While briefly touching on his past life as a Beatle, a Wing, and an aging rock star with an over-inflated sense of himself, the documentary will focus on where McCartney is at now: an ex-Beatle, a former Wing, and an aged rock star with an over-inflated sense of himself.

Inna Tutti Frutti Davida 02.20.97

After a career of taking the music of disenfranchised blacks and turning it into marshmallow fluff between two slices of Wonderbread, Pat Boone has now taken the music of disenfranchised whites and ruined it as well. But, now, Christian TV channel the Trinity Broadcasting Network has dumped Boone’s show, not because of his bare-chested, studded-collared appearance, but because he had the nerve to destroy beloved classics Smoke On The Water and Stairway to Heaven. In a blinding flash of collective recognition, pimply-faced white youths in suburban malls across America finally understood what Little Richard has been bitching about all these years.

Ageless Body, Timeless Mind, $50 For Around The World 02.20.97

Spiritual advisor, author, and PBS time-waster Deepak Chopra has filed a $10 million lawsuit against a San Diego law firm and a separate $35 million lawsuit against a newspaper that alleged Chopra visited a prostitute. Chopra explained that, in a former life the callgirl’s soul was pure, and that’s who he was trying to “connect” with. Details of Chopra’s higher level of awareness can be found in his book Seven Spiritual Steps to Picking Up Hookers and the audio cassette Ten Keys to Active Litigation.

Found On The Road Dead Because My Ashes Were Used To Make It 02.21.97

NBC’s presentation of Schindler’s List this Sunday night will be commercial free. However, consumer groups are objecting to the product placement of Zyclon B throughout the film.

Found On The Road Dead Because My Ashes Were Used To Make It 2 02.21.97

The Ford Motor Corporation, founded by Henry Ford who, on top of disseminating the anti-Semitic pamphlet Protocols of the Elders of Zion, also created the assembly line method used to make Volkswagens and exterminate six million Jews, will be sponsoring NBC’s commercial free presentation of Schindler’s List this Sunday night. Some things are funny all by themselves.

Found On The Road Dead Because My Ashes Were Used To Make It 3 02.21.97

The Ford Motor Corporation will be sponsoring NBC’s commercial free presentation of Schindler’s List this Sunday night, which seems fitting as Henry Ford endorsed the events featured in Schindler’s List.

And Tumor Makes Nine 02.21.97

The removal of Liz Taylor’s brain tumor was deemed a success by attending physicians, although Taylor’s lawyers report she is feeling remorse and considering a reconciliation.

Almond Brothers Band, or Something Phishy 02.21.97

Ice cream purveyors Ben & Jerry’s will be releasing Phish Food, a new flavor inspired by the band Phish. Disgusted ice cream lovers the world are hoping against hope that Ben & Jerry’s has no plans to contact Seal or Meatloaf.

Something Phishy 2 02.21.97


Ice cream purveyors Ben & Jerry’s will be releasing a new flavor inspired by the band Phish. Phish Food will be made with chocolate ice cream, marshmallow nougat, caramel swirl, and chunks of real salmon. Moe, Rusted Root, Widespread Panic, Blues Traveller, the Dave Matthew Band, Jackopeirce, the Samples, Dada, the Freddy Jones Band, Toad the Wet Sprocket and all the other bands that wish they were the Grateful Dead are crossing their fingers in hopes that they’ll be the next arbitrarily-named ice cream flavor.

Something Phishy 3 02.21.97

Ice cream purveyors Ben & Jerry’s will be releasing a new flavor inspired by the band Phish. Phish Food will be made with chocolate ice cream, marshmallow nougat, caramel swirl, and chunks of real salmon. All the other bands that wish they were the Grateful Dead are vying for the distinction of being a dairy product. as well. Look for Widespread Tanic, vanilla ice cream and oak, Rusted Root Scoop, strawberry ice cream, ginger root and oxidized sheet metal, and Tin Roof Traveller , vanilla ice cream, peanuts, fudge, and John Popper’s harmonica spittle.

And The Winner Is... 02.24.97

All the top prizes at the Berlin International Film Festival went to American films, prompting Germans to investigate their own film output, which has been in decline since the death of Fassbinder. Young Teutonic filmmakers realized that the missing element in their movies was a sense of humor, so the always funny Germans plan to make light comedies. In the works are “When Adolf Met Eva”, “Ernest Goes To Camp”, “Honey, I Gassed The Yids” and “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”.

When I’m 64 And Counting 02.24.97

Elizabeth Taylor's 65th birthday bash attracted hundreds of partygoers, all of whom were her husbands. New father and lesser daemon Michael Jackson was also in the house. The King of Pop wrote and performed a song with the refrain "Elizabeth, I love you." Apparently, the lyrics "However, I wish you were fifty years younger and a boy" did not fit the rhyme scheme and was subsequently cut.

Pitching A Circus Tent 02.24.97

Two transvestite wrestlers who simulate sex onstage in the bizarre Jim Rose Circus Sideshow have been ordered to appear before a Lubbock, Texas judge. If, in fact, the two men broke Texas law by engaging in simulated sex acts, they could face the stiff penalty of being sent to prison where they will get to have sex for real, just not with each other.

The Revenge Of Lucas 02.24.97

“The Empire Strikes Back” the second part of George Lucas’s “Star Wars” Special Edition Trilogy grossed a whopping $22.4 million this weekend. The filmmakers have made several improvements since the 1980 release: increased special effects, three minutes of new footage and an additional four dollar ticket price at the box office.

To Act Is To React 02.24.97

The Screen Actors Guild held their award show this past weekend, the only show where actors give actors awards for acting. In ceremonies before the taping, awards were given in the following categories: “The Best Performance By An Actor Who I Could Have Done Better Than”, “The Best Performance By An Actor In A Role I Was Better Suited For”, and the distinguished “Best Performance By An Actor Who Couldn’t Act His Way Out Of A Paper Bag, How The Hell Does He Continue To Get Work While I Have To Wait Tables And ‘Hone My Craft’ Doing Another Performance Of Danny And The Deep Blue Sea In The Basement Theatre Space Of A Vegetarian Coffeehouse In West Hollywood” Award.

The Burning Bed 02.24.97

Ryan O’Neal and Farrah Fawcett are calling it quits after fifteen years of marriage. When asked if he had any remorse about the years of heartbreak he allegedly caused Fawcett, O’Neal replied “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Man At His Best And Worst 02.24.97

Esquire editor Will Blythe has resigned after a fiction peice was pulled by publishers because it contained explicit homoerotic scenes and vulgar anatomical descriptions. Esquire felt the story would offend its advertisers and didn’t want to lose all those underwear ads featuring buffed-out men in seductive poses. They also felt the story might offend their readership because we all know that hairdressers and bodybuilders are easily offended. The story will be replaced with an old Hemingway story about lusty, young men shooting guns and rolling in the mud and Blythe will be replaced by someone who is just as disgusted as you and I are by the thought of handsome, well-built men playing football shirtless or whathaveyou. Blythe plans on editing for Esqueer magazine where he can print all of the little faggotty-waggotty stories he wants.

Who’s The Leader of The Club? 02.25.97

Walt Disney Company is being sued by the producers of their hit show Home Improvement, who maintain that the studio is cutting a deal with subsidiary ABC, to keep the show on another two years, while cutting the producers out of the profits. The deal is ABC will get Home Improvement, Disney will get the lion share of the profits and the producers can get to go fuck themselves.

Vowel Movement 02.25.97

Vanna White will no longer have to turn the letters on the “Wheel of Fortune” puzzle board, as the latest in state-of-the-art, cutting-edge technologies will allow her to merely touch panels causing the letters to materialize. This will free up more time for Vanna to do nothing and be paid a lot of money. Vanna is delighted by these scientific breakthroughs and is hoping that in the near future, she’ll be able to just sit at home collecting paychecks while she turns letters with her mind.

Moon Over Miami 02.25.97

36 year old jazz guitarist Zechary Charles Breaux died while trying to rescue a drowning woman off Miami beach. Breaux will be best remembered for dying while trying to save a drowning woman off Miami beach.

Natural Born Spies 02.25.97

Tom Cruise has asked Oliver Stone to direct the sequel to his mega-blockbuster summer hit, Mission: Impossible. Stone’s mission, should he decide to accept it, is to make a movie that runs less than four hours, does not feature mis-cast European actors playing American heads of state, doesn’t re-write history, features no grand scale conspiracy theories , doesn’t pontificate about politics, will not cut back and forth between washed out color and grainy black and white and refuses to make any mention of Vietnam. This film will self-destruct after five weekends at the box office.

Can Ya Dig It? 02.26.97

Filmmaker Gordon Parks, whose movie “Shaft” created a revolution in black film, was honored by the Director’s Guild. Those in attendance agreed, saying “That Parks is one bad mother-”, whereupon the audience was told to shut their mouths, even though they were only “talkin’ about Parks.”

Denial’s Not Just A River 02.26.97

Rep. Tom Coburn of Oklahoma released a statement condemning NBC for showing “Schindler’s List,” saying “they took television to an all time low with full frontal nudity, violence and profanity.” Followers of Coburn agree that showing the sexy, starving, emaciated victims and the hunky concentration camp guards who used foul language to abuse them needs to stop. The Congressman was also heard to say that he didn’t spend all that money on a color television to watch some old black and white movie. The Congressman was then reported to return to his bunker, don his black leather jackboots and race off to attend a book burning.

...And My Manager And, Of Course... 02.26.97

Janet Jackson is seeking a restraining order against a fan who claims he is Jesus Christ. The stalker, Ronald Benjamin Singleton, said he just wanted to tell her “you’re welcome” in person, as she always thanks him in the liner notes of her albums.

You Say It’s Your Birthday 02.26.97

Happy Birthday today to Johnny Cash, Mitch Ryder, Tony Randall, Michael Bolton and Fats Domino. And what do all these fine performers have in common? They’ve all recorded great versions of old R&B classics, except for Michael Bolton.

To Errol Is Morris, To Forgive Divine 02.28.97

At the urging of the judge in the case, Dallas NBC affiliate KXAS has voluntarily decided not to air Love’s Deadly Triangle: The Texas Cadet Murder, a movie-of-the-week about the still untried case of two local 18-year-old military academy students who murdered a 16-year-old girl. KXAS was concerned the movie could prejudice potential jurors which would decide the ultimate outcome of the case. In its place, they will air The Thin Blue Line.

Believe It Or Not 02.28.97

Jack Palance, the spirited elder statesman of cowboy movies, will be playing the grandfather in a remake of “Heidi”. Upon hearing news of the re-make, Fox Sports has already made arrangements for the Superbowl to be interrupted.

Tan Gone Bad 02.28.97

Ashley Hamilton, son of George Hamilton, has filed for divorce from wife Angie Everhart, citing irreconcilable differences. In a related story, George Hamilton’s tan has filed for separation from his face, also citing irreconsilable differences.

They Call Me Lightnin’ 02.28.97

Spike Lee has joined in the chorus of dissaproval of the WB Network’s portrayal of blacks as “buffoonish.” The distraught Lee is best remembered for playing the characters Mars Blackmon, a buffoonish bicycle messenger, Mookie, a buffoonish pizza delivery man and Shorty, the buffoonish sidekick of Malcolm X.

National Public Rubbish 02.28.97

Free-thinking radio listeners everywhere are hanging their heads in white liberal shame, as National Public Radio seeks an audience with the Emperor. Apparently since government funding dried up and ordinary listeners are tired of pledging $50 every year and getting a lousy tote bag in return, NPR has announced its plans to be co-opted by companies like Disney, who although they would never do it, might accidentally erase the last bastion of individuality from the airwaves and replace it with Tim Allen. However, in an effort to adapt their current roster of shows to the TV format for NPR TV, some of the new programming will include, All Things Considered Unfunny and Obvious, with Tim Allen, Longtime Prairie Home Companion, starring Garrison Keillor and Ellen DeGeneris and in an effort to incorporate gritty, reality based crime shows with a public television mainstay, Pledge Drive-By Shootings, which will allow viewers the opportunity to identify the perpetrators of gang killings and, in return, receive decorative tote bags as prizes.

Put That Cello Between Your Legs And Whistle 02.28.97

The Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra has taken the NO GIRLS ALLOWED sign off their tree fort door after 155 years of being all-male. Women will finally be admitted into the orchestra as long as they promise not to have babies or menstruate, or elect to get hormone therapy treatments and penile implants. The Vienna Boys’ Choir, however, continues to remain steadfast in exclusively recruiting boys. Boys who have been castrated, but boys nonetheless.

And It Comes Out Here 02.28.97

This week’s Grammy telecast filled the air, once again, with three full hours of The Music That Sells. The best and brightest of America’s Rock, Rap, Country, Soul and Classical musicians were invited to New York, wined and dined, and then taken to Madison Square Garden and forced to listen to Beck and No Doubt. Bruce Springsteen gave the same performance he has given at every other award show he has appeared on in the past five years, by getting up and singing another original Woody Guthrie song that he wrote accompanied only by his mediocre guitar and awful harmonica playing.


K.O.'d 02.01.97

USA boxing officials denied the application of football player Ken Norton Jr. (son of boxing champ Ken Norton Sr.), to compete in the Golden Gloves competition. As an act of protest, Norton Jr. plans to form the Kid Gloves Competition, which will feature amateur boxers Leon Spinks Jr., Gerry Cooney Jr. and George Foreman Jr., George Foreman Jr., George Foreman Jr., George Foreman Jr. and George Foreman Jr.

The Boise Truckdrivers 02.01.97

The National Hockey League has narrowed its list of candidates for expansion franchises. The list now only includes cities in the northern hemisphere.

The Money Shot 02.03.97

Lance Alstodt, an investment banker from New York, will have about a million more duckets to invest after kicking a 35-yard field goal at the Pro Bowl half-time show and winning the $1 million prize. In a related story, in the Bulls-Sonics game, Michael Jordan hit a half-court shot as the buzzer sounded at the end of the second period. Jordan won a Range Rover.

Put Him in the Penalty Box 02.03.97

Hats off to Boston Bruin Sheldon Kennedy for coming forward about being sexually abused by Canadian Junior hockey coach Graham James. James has been convicted and will go to prison for his crimes. Strangely, a lot of NHL players have been “trying” to get arrested so they can show the coach all they learned from him about getting “high sticked.” That’s why they call it hard time, coach.

Doctored Ball of Fame 02.03.97

Phil Niekro was finally voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame after four attempts. Niekro's picture will be placed along with his bronzed emery board and jar of Vaseline. I guess cheaters do prosper, huh?

Big Win On A Little Island 02.03.97

In a thrilling climax to the much anticipated NFL Pro Bowl, the AFC kicked a 37-yard field goal in overtime to win the coveted crown. In light of twelve consecutive Super Bowl losses, the victory gives the AFC the equivalent of getting to go to the Prom, but having to take your sister. It’s got to be a warm, fuzzy feeling to be able to beat the NFC only when it doesn’t count. At least now, the AFC has the right to claim victory over a bunch of guys playing at half-speed while vacationing in Hawaii.

Not From Concentrate 02.05.97

O.J. Simpson has set yet another record in professional sports by being slapped with an $8.5 million fine. The slap wasn’t nearly as hard as the slaps O.J. lovingly gave Nicole, but the fine that came with it ranks Juice as the highest-fined athlete of all time. Congratulations, murderer.

No Spitting! 02.05.97

Major League Baseball has called a summit between the players and umpires in an effort to placate the umps in light of the Roberto Alomar spitting incident. League officials are hoping the “summit of empty promises” will keep the uppity umpires at bay throughout next season. They plan to then hold more post-season summits to make the umps think they actually care. If the umps get really mad, the league will suspend Alomar for two spring training games and force him to make a personal appearance at a local hospital.

Bury My Mascot At Wounded Knee 02.06.07

Miami (Ohio) University alumni are suing the board of trustees to block the school from ix-naying the team nickname, the “Redskins”. The school was attacked as racist for using a term that denegrates the native peoples of this country, which prompted the seeking of a substitute name. The possible new nicknames include War Hawks, Buckskins, Big Red, and Hey, Filthy Injun, Here Have Some More Firewater.

Blanks 02.06.97

The Washington Bullets have fired coach Jim Lynam and given the spot to assistant Bob Staak. In a related story, another Bob Stack will be doing a story about the unsolved mystery of inexperienced coaches and general managers taking over NBA teams and coaching the league into mediocrity and the unexplained case of how players on .500 teams (like Chris Webber) wind up making the All-Star team. It is likely to be blamed on a Sasquatch.

All-Who? Team 02.06.97

Patrick Ewing, Clyde Drexler and Shaquille O’Neal are all out of this weekend’s All-Star game in Cleveland due to injuries. The three mega-stars are going to be replaced with first-timers Chris Webber, Chris Gatling and Kevin Garnett. Needless to say, plenty of tickets are still available.

Do Not Collect $200 02.06.97

48-year-old Minneapolis TV cameraman Eugene Amos, who was kicked in the hot zone by Dennis Rodman last month, has been arrested for fifth-degree assault against his girlfriend. Mary Benrud filed a restraining order against Amos the day before the Rodman foot-ball incident and feels that the mouthy cameraman has become jealous and controlling. Meanwhile, Dennis Rodman will be reinstated next week and is donating his salary for the next eleven games to charity. Charity? Restraining Order? Charity? Restraining Order? Who’s the bad guy again?

What Stinks? 02.07.97

Art Foster of Forest Lake, Minnesota violated his probation yesterday, when he participated in (and won) a televised ice fishing contest. Mr. Foster, who is not allowed to fish in Minnesota as a result of four different hunting and fishing violations, couldn’t understand how they caught him because who knew cops would have access to “one of those new fangled tel-i-ovisions.”? Authorities brought him in using a combination bait of sharp cheddar, Skoal, and Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Basketball Jones 02.10.97

Multi-billion dollar pitchman Michael Jordan and basketball player Glen Rice racked up record-setting performances in the NBA All-Star Game last night, as the East pummeled the West 132-120 in the most highly-touted game that has absolutely nothing to do with the season. Rice beat Wilt Chamberlain's All-Star Game record of most points scored in a half. Now all Rice has to do is sleep with 15,000 women to capture Chamberlain's even more fiercely defended record.

Buster? I Hardly Knew Her! 02.12.97

James “Buster” Douglas, who made a deal with the devil to beat Mike Tyson six years ago before getting the whupping he deserved by Evander Holyfield, is returning to the ring tonight to fight Dickie Ryan at Madison Square Garden after five years of a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and the Furr’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet for dinner. After miraculously beating Tyson, Douglas ballooned to 400 pounds, securing his heavyweight title. While pound-for-pound not the best fighter, Douglas is certainly pound-for-pound the fattest, and if freighter ship ballast like Douglas can come out of retirement, I guess a double-murderer can go back to football and the decaying bones of Babe Ruth will be next year’s first round draft pick. Regardless of the outcome of his fight against Dickie Ryan, Douglas is looking forward once again to lunch.

Stilted Conversations 02.14.97

Unaware that no one cares what he thinks, Wilt Chamberlain opened his mouth again this week, this time to criticize the greatest basketball player of all-time ever by saying that in Wilt's time, which I believe coincided with the Gadsden Purchase, Michael Jordan would have been "crushed." Wilt equated Jordan's ability to play basketball well with "hot-dogging" and went on to say that a 360-degree dunk was somehow not as valid as watching gawky old people take it to the hole and miss. Wilt, you may recall, appeared in the film Conan the Destroyer, and any quote from him should subsequently be dismissed. Wilt is probably upset because his style of play went out with Nehru jackets and naming your children after the elements, but it might be that he was confused by the phrase "fast break", thinking the expression had something to do with the ladies.


A True Fu-Schnick 02.14.97

Shaquille O’Neal is earning his $120 million dollar keep by not playing for the next eight to ten weeks because of a knee injury. While this is likely to hurt the Lakers, who are now number one in the Western Conference, it won’t affect Shaq’s free throw percentage in the least.

It’s Too Fucking Hot, Mookie 02.14.97

On his way to Phoenix from Vancouver, Mookie Blaylock (not the prototype of Pearl Jam, but the basketball player) was busted by Mounties for possession of two ounces of marijuana, only a week before his probation for an earlier possession charge was to expire. Blaylock has not commented on the episode, but is rumored to be embarrassed by the event. It has not been determined whether his embarrassment stems from getting arrested for only smuggling two ounces of pot or from getting busted by Dudley Do-Right, McCloud, and the guy from Due South.

Here's To You Jackie Robinson! 02.14.97

As Baseball's spring training begins today, the sports world will be focused on the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's start in the Majors. Merchandise such as T-shirts, cards and "Go Home Negro," commemorative plates will go on sale. In case you don’t recall, Jackie Robinson went up against the incredible odds, so that 50 years later his legacy could be celebrated on the box of an irrelevant breakfast cereal and in the form of a bobbing head doll.

Warning Belle 02.14.97

In a deposition for a civil suit filed by Halloween pranksters, Chicago White Sox outfielder Albert Belle has admitted to losing $40,000 wagering on sports. The deposition merely confirms the long suspected link between illegal gambling and egg throwing, according to Belle's attorney, Jose Feliciano (yes, that's his actual name). Feliciano is hoping the Belle case will revive his stalled musical career. "I never bet on baseball," said Belle, who seemed unaware he was directly quoting Pete Rose. Accompanying his client on acoustic guitar, Feliciano announced plans to call Rose to the stand, calling his legal acumen into question. White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf, who lured Belle away from the Cleveland Indians with a $55 million contract, could not be reached for comment because he was crying.

Tonya Hardluck 02.14.97

Tonya Harding claims she was abducted outside her home and that kidnappers forced her at knifepoint to drive to a rural area. Aside from a slap mark on her face, which has nothing to do with the incident, but came from people constantly slapping her face, Harding was unharmed. Deputies who have responded to Tonya's cries for help in the past say there is no reason to think her accusations are false, even though the abduction report came the same day of the U.S. Figure Skating C.hampionships, ten days before Harding's comeback debut and three years after people have lost interest in her. The kidnapper is thought to be a woman, with dark hair, an All-American smile, a new baby and a whiny deposition.

I Never Met A Man I Didn’t Kick 02.17.97

Chicago Bulls forward and world-famous philanthropist Dennis Rodman donated his salary from Sunday’s game to the Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization. The $60,000 gift goes a long way in making up for kicking a trash-talking, girlfriend-stalking cameraman in the huevos last month, but is still well shy of the $660,000 pledge that would apparently give Rodman carte blanche to kick whoever he wants wherever he wants whenever he wants just as long as he keeps getting rebounds and keeps us in stitches with that crazy pink hair. Not-for-profits across the country have taken a page from the Worm and are instituting bold, new campaigns like Bitch Slapping Jerry Lewis For Dollars, Kidney Punch Sally Struthers For Less Than The Price of A Cup Of Coffee, and Let’s Kick Sting’s Ass. The Sting part is just for fun.

Mario Andretti Would’ve Sure Been Proud 02.17.97

Jeff Gordon won the Daytona 500, which, in light of recent events in the auto racing world, took place in Reno, Nevada. In fact, the Daytona 500 is no longer an auto race, but a $10.99 champagne brunch and Jeff Gordon is actually a woman named Judith Pennington who owns a bric-a-brac shop in Medina, New Mexico. Congratulations, Jeff!

I Am The Kings 02.18.97

Sacramento’s Mitch Richmond, someone no one has ever heard of, is about to join the list of NBA greats everyone has heard of by averaging at least 21 points per game every season since his rookie year. This proves the age-old postulate of pro-basketball that says, no matter how good you are, if you play for Sacramento, you still suck.

My Arms Are Too Pro To Box With God 02.18.97

San Fransisco 49er linebacker Ken Norton Jr. is following in his father’s footwork and stepping into the square circle. The senior Norton, you may recall, beat Muhammed Ali for the heavyweight crown in 1973, and Ken Jr. plans to make Papa proud by pummelling Muhammed Ali’s daughter in the Golden Gloves tournament. The only thing standing in his way, however, is a Golden Gloves rule that forbids professional athletes, whether boxers or not, from competing in the amateur event. This, of course, has meant major disappointment for Brian Boitano, who more than anything else always wanted to box.

Your Arms Are Too Pro To Box With God 2 02.19.97

Ken Norton, Jr. will not be allowed to fight in a Dallas Golden Gloves tournament because of his status as a professional football player. Undaunted, Norton vows to beat himself over the head with a brick bat until he has Parkinson’s disease and can only find employment as a greeter at Caesar’s Palace.

North Dallas 40 Pounds Overweight 02.19.97

Toronto Raptor center and fat ass Oliver Miller is happy as a stuffed pig to be back with the Raptors after spending half the season with Dallas. “Like the old cliché, the grass is always greener on the other side. Well, I was in the mud. Now, I’m back to a nice fertilized lawn.” Which explains why Miller playing is for shit, I guess.

Pip-Pip 02.19.97

Scottie Pippen scored his all-time career high of 47 points last night and was subsequently overshadowed by Michael Jordan who had 24 points and a personality.

The Catalina Island Sea Lions? 02.19.97

The National Hockey League has narrowed its list of candidates for expansion franchises. The list now only includes cities in the northern hemisphere.

The Very Definition of Sportsmanship 02.20.97

The English Football Association is alerting soccer clubs that rabid fans are using pen-sized lasers to distract opposing team’s players. Although, the players are complaining that the lasers affect their scoring ability, they are reporting a marked reduction in cases of cataracts, myopia, and astigmatism.

Instant Karma, Just Add Phlegm 02.20.97

The Baltimore Orioles report that second baseman Roberto Alomar will be sidelined for four weeks with an ankle injury. Umpires throughout the league are lauding God for his decision. In a “get tough” stance, baseball owners have taken the opportunity to proudly call Alomar’s hospital stay his penalty.

Going Back To Khalid 02.20.97

The monumental nine player trade between the New Jersey Nets and Dallas Mavericks may be in jeopardy due to revelations that guard Khalid Reeves had a heart murmur as a child. Insiders speculate that the Nets are concerned that Reeves may not be healthy enough to spend all of his time sitting on the bench.

Giving New Meabing To “Dutch Treat” 02.20.97

Dutch soccer team Eindhoven fired midfielder Patrick Deckers for dropping his shorts and flashing fans. To make matters worse, Deckers was penalized for use of hands.

Just Protest It 02.21.97

Nike endorser and San Fransisco 49er Jerry Rice is on the receiving end, not of a football, but of criticism from protesters who are demanding that workers in Nike’s Asian plants make more than 25-cents-an-hour. Protestors believe Jerry Rice is the most qualified to settle labor disputes as he is a football player. Similarly, Vegetarians for the Rainforest sought out the Hamburgler to air their grievances. Management at the plants feel the boycott is unfounded because, according to Sally Struthers, in Asia you can feed a family of four for 25-cents-a-day.

Right Hooks In You 02.21.97

Mike Tyson, boxer and rapist, will not have to pay the judgment awarded his former trainer by an Albany, New York jury. A US District Court judge said Tyson could keep the $4.4 million, minus, of course, the 80% commission due Don King.

Young Goodman Bruin 02.21.97

In the NHL, Boston Bruins front office stripped assistant captain Adam Oate’s “A” from his sweater. Oate’s was relieved to find out that the measure was taken not because of his criticisms of management, but because he was not an adulterer.

Capetown Races All Month Long Oh-Da-Do-Da-Day 02.21.97

Capetown may actually get to host the Olympic Games in 2004, despite the highly publicized crime problem in the South African town. The other candidates were disappointed, but there is still hope for 2008 for Detroit, Jakarta, Moscow, Detroit, Manila, Calcutta, and long shot, Detroit.

Bowed Out 02.24.97

Heavyweight champ and big ninny Riddick Bowe couldn’t hack the regimented lifestyle of the Marine Corps and dropped out of boot camp after only three days. But don’t count the 240-pound swishy out yet. According to his manager, the fighter still wants to serve his country. Plans to help the League of Women Voters with their next registration drive and to sell cookies with Girl Scouts are in the works, although Bowe has reservations about the strict regimen of cookie distribution, and may consider the Campfire Girls instead.

Why? 02.24.97

Tonya Harding made her first public appearance since the 1994 Olympics as the pre-game entertainment for minor league hockey team, the Reno Renegades. After her performance a fight broke out on the rink between players. Harding was quoted as saying, “I’m glad I was able to serve as an inspiration” and hopes to appear as opening act for more pre-game fights in the future.

Paint It Black 02.24.97

Shaquille O’Neal, who is being paid $120 million and is not playing, has painted his toenails black and is still not playing basketball and is being paid $120 million to not do it. His painted toenails are making news because his playing isn’t, primarily because Shaq isn’t playing. He is, however, still being paid $120 million and has painted toenails.

Not Here To Cause No Trouble 02.24.97

William “Refrigerator” Perry, now playing football in London, would like to return to the NFL to play for Mike Ditka, who is also returning to the NFL. Perry, who is best remembered for being very, very fat and making a game-winning touchdown in spite of himself, was quoted as saying, “Football is still in me”, although what Perry really meant was he had the football stadium inside him and that’s what makes him very, very fat.

Sweet William Is Now Big Bad Bill 02.24.97

LA Clipper’s head coach Bill Fitch, the NBA’s losingest coach of all time ever, threw a temper tantrum during Sunday’s game against Milwaukee, cursing out Rodney Rogers who walked off the floor. Despite insulting one of his best players and causing him to leave the game, the Clippers won and Fitch is examining this new strategy of acting like a baby. “Hey, if it works Danny Ainge, it’s gotta work for me. Oh, the Suns have an even worse record than we do. Oh...whoops.” And then he took the ball and ran home.

Mad About The Mouse 02.25.97

Fox Sports Net have leveled an anti-trust lawsuit against Walt Disney Co., charging that they conspired with numerous cable outlets to prevent Fox Sports Net 2 from recieving wide distribution. In a deal that is hoped to be worked out, an unnamed Disney cable company will get to broadcast Ducks and Angels games, Disney will get to have the advantage over all other cable sports programming and Fox Sports Net 2 will get to go fuck themselves.

A Day At The Races 02.25.97

Paralyzed Jockey Willie Shoemaker is suing eight doctors who he claimed ignored his injuries after a 1991 car crash. Oddsmakers in Vegas are placing his odds to win at
30 to 1. It has just been learned, however, that if Shoemaker plays the Trifecta, he need only place.

A Day At The Races 2 02.25.97

Paralyzed Jockey Willie Shoemaker is suing eight doctors who he claimed ignored his injuries after a 1991 car crash. Oddsmakers in Veags are placing his odds to win at
30 to 1. Lawyers for the doctors claimed that with injuries like that, they should’ve just shot him.

Bang, Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 02.26.96

A Houston judge awarded $592,000 to a woman unknowingly exposed to genital herpes by Seattle Spurs guard Vernon Maxwell. The money is expected to be broken down to $59,000 a year for ten years. She would have received a bonus, if she had held out for a more high profile player.

Bang, Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer 2 02.26.96

A Houston judge awarded $592,000 to a woman unknowingly exposed to genital herpes by Seattle Spurs guard Vernon Maxwell. Maxwell , who did not appear in court in person, was represented by erupting pustules on the woman’s crotch.

Raceball Cards 02.26.96

Bill Clinton will speak from second base to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers. In commemoration of the event, the President will be called “nigger” and have bricks thrown at him.

Raceball Cards (Radio Edit) 02.26.96

Bill Clinton will speak from second base, to honor the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers. In commemoration of the event, all black people will be asked to sit in one small section of the park, except of course, those who will be parking cars, shining shoes and selling peanuts.

Raceball Cards (Dennis Miller Mix) 02.26.96

Bill Clinton will speak from second base during the fifth inning of the April 15th LA Dodgers game to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of Jackie Robinson’s debut with the Brooklyn Dodgers and the subsequent tearing down of the racial barrier in Major League Baseball. Having a white Southern cracker speak at a celebration honoring Jackie Robinson is kind of like Gerry Adams getting an audience before Parliament so he can sing “God Save The Queen”

A Right, A Left, A Horse’s Head In Your Bed 02.28.97

Despite testifying against nappy-headed boxing promoter Don King, Julio Cesar Chavez is back with King. Chavez, who once again testified against Don King, was quoted as saying “Don King has big plans for me.” Those big plans have yet to be disclosed, but bookmakers speculate they could include sleeping with fishes, wearing cement shoes, and reclaiming his junior welterweight glory as the undercard in the Michael Moorer-Vaughn Bean bout March 29.

Blood Sport 02.28.97

Yuri Vdovin, an Olympic blood doping expert in Moscow, was attacked by thugs and as a result, lost an eye. When the assailants were finally caught, their excuse was that they were merely trying to separate his white blood cells from his red ones.

Moore Or Less 02.28.97

Joe Moore, the 65-year-old former assistant coach of Notre Dame is suing the university, claiming they told him he was “too old to coach.” Moore tried to elicit support from friends Knute Rockne, George Gipp and Red Grange, but was unable to reach any of them.

Home of the Braves 02.28.97

Japanese pitcher Hideki Irabu has been informed that if he wants to play in the United States, it will have to be for San Diego and not for his preferred team, New York. In fact, Irabu will have to play for the San Diego Chargers, a football team, although Irabu prefers the game of baseball. While Irabu was interested in the placekicking position, he will be forced to actually be the football if he wants to play in America, land of opportunity.

Which Came First 02.28.97

Michelle Kwan claimed that the night she lost the championships to 14-year-old Tara Lipinski, she skated like a “scared chicken,” prompting the US Figure Skating Commission to open an investigation into Kwan’s training program, which may include hormone injections and being forced to live in a two-foot-by-two-foot cage. Regardless, Kwan lost several tenths of points for the technical, but rated a perfect score of 10 for artistic interpretation for her routine, “Frightened Poultry”.