Former Kansas Senator Bob Dole clinched the nomination for the Republican presidential bid, naming Jack Kemp as his running mate. Upon hearing the news, Jack Kemp reversed his stand on illegal immigration, shifting to the right to curry Bob Dole’s favor.
Polls were released today that indicate that incumbent Bill Clinton is most likely to win the election in November. Upon hearing of the data, Jack Kemp became a Democratic. Kemp also announced his decision to become a woman yesterday.
How Would You Like Your Okinawan Served? 09.11.96
Okinawan residents voted yesterday by a ratio of 10 to 1 in favor or a nonbinding referendum that would effectively reduce American military bases on the island if the referendum were not "nonbinding." Similarly overwhelming majorities of Okinawans voted for the nonbinding referendum requiring all residents to grow wings and fly and the nonbinding referendum that only allows the living dead to inhabit the island.
In a similar move, but apparently enacted for other reasons, Californian voters approved a referendum forbidding Okinawans to drive cars.
Mother Superior Jumps The Gun 09.11.96
Mother Teresa's failing health has attracted the attention of Jack Kevorkian. Apparently in a phone conversation with the altruistic nun, Kevorkian was overheard saying, "Trust me Teri, just push that middle button and you'll feel a whole lot better." In a related story, Mother Teresa, still concerned about paying the hospital bills, rejected Kevorkian ‘s suggestion of an HMO. Mother Teresa says her religion doesn't recognize HMO's.
Sung in The Umbilical Cord of C 09.15.96
Debra Zimmerman has been indicted by the State of Wisconsin for child abuse and has been brought up on criminal charges. Her felony offense: drinking while pregnant. Apparently Wisconsin law allows you to kill a fetus, you just can't get it drunk.
Filibuster Hymen 09.15.96
The Senate voted yesterday to retain a ban on health insurance payments to federal employees who receive abortions. The vote was merely a mechanical step to continue current legislation that prohibits abortion coverage for federal workers except in cases of rape or incest or to save the life of the mother, or if the woman in question has had illicit sex with a Senator.
Choate On This 09.16.96
Ross Perot has chosen Pat Choate, a Washington economist, as his vice-presidential candidate. In a recent speech, Choate, an outspoken opponent of NAFTA, defended himself against charges that he is a protectionist, noting that, while he is strongly opposed to the global marketplace, "I've got no problem with the flat-earth marketplace."
Choate is no stranger to controversy. His 1991 book "Agents of Influence," which charged that the Japanese wield an unfair influence over the American economy, received heavy criticism, although it was more warmly received than Ross Perot's 1992 follow-up, "Agents of Planet Gleebnob."
Smoke’Em If You Got’Em 09.16.96
The state of New Jersey sued the tobacco industry to recoup the health care cost associated with smokers. New Jersey's action is part of mounting legal attacks against the industry. The tobacco industry in turn is countersuing New Jersey for just being New Jersey.
Wondergimp Powers Activate! 09.17.96
The Fraternal Order of Police, the largest US police union at 270,000 members, has endorsed President Clinton in his bid for re-election. In response to the group's endorsement, Republican nominee Bob Dole issued his plans for a crime-fighting package that includes a firm commitment to a drug-free America, increasing federal aid for states to build new prisons, prosecuting violent juvenile offenders over the age of 13 as adults and dressing up in a form-fitting bodysuit made of high density, bullet-deflecting plastic, learning to fly, and perfecting his X-ray vision.
Debate This! 09.17.96
The bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates has recommended that Ross Perot not be included in the 1996 Presidential Debates. The commission fears that adding any new ideas to the forum might make the debates interesting. A spokesman for the Dole Campaign elaborated on the decision. "The inclusion of any other participant in the debate, would have violated the commission's own standard to include third party candidates who have proved to have a reasonable chance to win,”. When the commission reconvened to consider what constitutes a “reasonable chance to win”, it was decided that Bob Dole would also not participate in this year’s debate.
Sarin-Dippity-Doo-Dah 09.20.96
After several years of waffling on the so-called "Gulf War Syndrome", America’s maidenhead of truth and decency, The Pentagon, is notifying 5,000 Gulf War veterans that they may have been exposed to the deadly chemical Sarin following the demolition of an ammunition dump in Iraq, but that “the exposure most likely occurred when CIA operatives gassed the lads as part of a covert ‘experiment’,” according to an unnamed source. Defense Department spokesman Ken Bacon is denying a government cover-up of the incident, allegedly insisting that the government has merely been putting up a smokescreen hoping that everyone “would just forget the whole thing ever happened”, or that “all the veterans in question would already be dead, whichever came first.” He then offered words of encouragement and support to the 3000 young men trying to put themselves through college who are now en route to the Persian Gulf.
In a related story, the first U.S. ground troops were deployed in Kuwait Thursday, and were immediately exposed to Sarin. The first 230 of 3000 American soldiers touched down in Kuwait, under orders to patrol the Iraqi border with tanks, to deter threats by Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard, and to be exposed to potentially hazardous doses of the chemical Sarin. The troops are being transported from Fort Hood, Texas to Kuwait on commercial planes outfitted with chemical and biological warfare detection devices, protective suits and masks, and enough Sarin pumped through the ventilation system to keep them properly syndromed for years.
In yet another related story, the aircraft carrier Enterprise has joined the seven other U.S. ships in the region capable of firing Tomahawk cruise missiles and poisoning the Gulf Waters with a solution known as Sarin.
SEE RELATED STORY UNDER AGENT ORANGE.
CIA is SOL with URL 09.26.96
America’s premiere bureau for truth and decency, the Central Intelligence Agency, has foreclosed on its World Wide Web home page. An unidentified hacker, known only as Caliph, “broke into” the site, changing the banner to read ``Welcome to the Central Stupidity Agency'', replacing CIA Director John Deutch’s photo with that of an unknown man, and creating links to ``News from Space'' and ``Nude Girls.'' A spokesman for the CIA was not amused. "This is not funny,” he said, "We are doing serious work here. Poisoning the water supply of rebellious Third World Banana Republic farmers who are plotting a coup against a murderous dictator that the USA supports because we need xantham gum for our Twinkies is not a laughing matter. Nor is destroying the African-American community with crack. Nor was the development of AIDS in our secret labs in underground Wyoming. We have never heard of the Tri-Lateral Commission.”
Dick & Doreen 4Ever 09.26.96
Self-proclaimed devil worshipper and mass murderer Richard Ramirez will take a bride next week in a simple ceremony held at San Quentin. The "Nightstalker" will be attended by best man Charles Manson as well as his groomsmen, David Berkowitz (whose father Sam could not attend) and Henry Lee Lucas. Ramirez's bride, known only as Doreen L., revealed that her bridesmaid, Lynn "Squeaky" Fromme will be wearing a tasteful taffeda gown soaked with the blood of one hundred children. The wedding will be presided over by Satan himself. Among the highlights, well-wisher Richard Speck is expected to send in congratulations via videotape. When asked to explain her attraction to the mass murderer, Miss L. was reported to reply, "I thought I was marrying Darren McGavin."
That's Not A Knife...This Is A Knife! 09.27.96
Martin Bryant, Australia's alleged worst mass murderer since the former penal colony started keeping count, pleaded Not Guilty to thirty-five counts of Vacation Park Murder. The killings occurred in a popular tourist area, now known as the Tasmanian Murder Spree Villa and Golf Resort. Bryant was quoted as saying, "I was only trying to increase Australian tourist awareness" and seemed genuinely concerned that his picture didn't appear on television as much as he had hoped it would. "If this were America, I'd be as big as Charles Manson!" A spokesman for Mass Murderers, Serial Killers & Such of America responded by saying, "Bryant will never be as 'big as Charles Manson' and I think his delusions of grandeur are indicative of some deep pyschological problems."
Ciao, Whore 9.27.96
A town in Italy has declared war on prostitution by posting special traffic signs banning the purchase of sex. The council in the Tuscan town said the signs would be placed along the roadside where prostitutes and their clients meet. One of the signs shows a diagonal bar over a silhouette of a woman leaning against a lamppost. This had to be changed due to the fact that residents thought this meant women weren't allowed to lean against lampposts. They've changed the sign to show a diagonal bar over a picture of Hugh Grant and Charlie Sheen with a caption reading "These guys paid for it and so will you."
A Rose By Any Other Name 9.26.96
The hi-tech market is running out of catchy names for the new companies and products that are popping up daily on the Internet. Consultants, like Master-McNeil Inc., are contracted for up to $100,000 to help dream up names which evoke a certain feeling in potential consumers. “We use state-of-the-art techniques to fashion a unique identity for the company or product,” a spokesman said, “to separate our clients from the rest of the pack.”. Some of the consulting firms creations include Netco, Netcom, Netorama, Netapalloza, Netarena, Netilingus, Nett (sic), Net at Work, Netty’s Midnight Runners, Net Beatty, Bennie and the Nets, Nettering Netbobs of Netitism, and Nothing but Net.
It's The Real Thing 9.25.96
Coca-Cola, the world leader in fruit juice and drink sales, and Dannon, known for its yogurts and dairy products, will announce tomorrow a joint venture between the two companies, hoping this proves to be as successful as when chocolate met peanut butter. Capitalizing on their trademark, Minute Maid and Dannon brands will debut their first product, Yoke, a combination of Coke and yogurt this month. Other products, including Sour Cream Crush, Sprilk (a delicious mix of Sprite and milk) and Dr. Cheese (a refreshing blend of cottage cheese and Dr. Pepper), should be on shelves by the winter. The venture named Minute Maid Danone, will be based in France and will concentrate on the European and Latin markets, the strategy being: "if they smoke and drink and don't use deodorant, they're bound to like a carbonated yogurt beverage."
The Deal Is Dead 9.26.96
Tomorrow business industry analysts expect Service Corp., North America's largest operator of funeral homes and cemeteries, to start a hostile takeover of Loewen Group Inc. Last week Service Corp. made a friendly offer of $2.8 billion but Loewen killed the deal. A Loewen spokesperson said."These guys are stiffs, the $43 a share bid was not acceptable. This deal smells like a rotting corpse and we'll put them six feet under. It's all part of Service Corps'. plot to bury us, but they're digging their own grave." Service Corp. will meet in October to drive the final nail in the coffin.
Please, No Moore 09.16.96
Movie star and former cinema spy Roger Moore recently admitted that he had been molested as a child. Moore claims to have blocked out the incident. When pressed for a comment ,the actor was reported to have responded that he didn't remember much, only that his genitals were 'Shaken, not stirred."
In response to the publicity generated by the story, a massive video re-release of the Bond films is planned with alternate titles including, "Dr. No Means No!, "Goldfingers," "Thunderballs," and "Moonraper."
Heartbreaker 09.16.96
Jane Petty, wife of Tom Petty, filed for legal separation on Tuesday, due to irreconcilable differences between her and the rock star. After Mrs. Petty moved out of their Los Angeles home, her husband responded by saying, "Don't do me like that, you're an American girl not a refugee. Even the losers don't come around here no more. I won't back down because the waiting is the hardest part of this breakdown, so stop draggin' my heart around, 'cause you got lucky by learnin’ to fly and freefallin' into the great wide open."
Once Upon A Time In The Westworld 09.17.96
Yul Brynner’s memorabilia was sold Monday at a auction in Paris. Organizers decided to hold the auction in France because they figure anyone stupid enough to worship Jerry Lewis is dumb enough to buy Yul Brynner’s old junk. The cowboy hat he wore in the movie “The Magnificent Seven” was sold for $14,600, while the silk costumes he wore in the musical “The King and I” sold for $2,880. Yul’s cancer-infected lung, with a certificate of authenticity from the Pall Mall company, fetched an amazing $20,000.
Liam Is Dead 09.17.96
The band Oasis announced that they will not be breaking up and that they are releasing a new album, which comes as a relief to jackasses and morons everywhere. A tentative list of possible songs for the album include: "Number 8," "Resolution," "Why Don't We Do It Somewhere Near The Road," and "Private Dillweed's Drivel-writing, Hackneyed Band." Liam Gallagher still plans to release his solo album, "Liam Gallagher and the Plastic-Kensit Band." When asked by a reporter how the band found America, Liam cleverly responded, "I don't know."
OC & Stiggs, Part Deux 09.20.96
Dope-smoking Kansas City-born Robert Altman is in negotiations to direct former-lawyer-turned-Hollywood player John Grisham's script ``The Gingerbread Man'' to star Shakespearean-actor and Laurence Olivier wannabe Kenneth Branagh. “The Gingerbread Man”, or “Man” as it’s referred to in the industry, is a thriller revolving around a lawyer, breaking new ground for Grisham. Altman is requesting re-writes from Grisham, adding more characters -- mostly unnecessary, creating a role for Lyle Lovett, throwing out the plot in favor of disjointed vignettes that tend to confuse the audience, tacking on an additional hour of depressing scenes, and finding a way to make an appearance by Popeye seem organic.
The Good and The Bad Couldn't Make It 09.20.96
Deliberations are set to begin in the lawsuit actress Sondra Locke is bringing against former lover Clint Eastwood. In a pre-trial interview Locke told an interviewer, "I hope to hang him high. That man screwed me everywhich way you can." Eastwood was reported to have tried to make amends with Locke but remained unforgiven. Locke is hoping to receive a fistfull of dollars for her troubles due to the sudden impact the problem has had on her career. Sources close to the trial say Eastwood doesn't have a very good chance in the trial, given that his attorney, Clyde, is a diapered orangutan.
Camelot, It's Not 9.26.96
The sexiest man alive has taken the plunge. John F. Kennedy, Jr. married Carolyn Bessette on Saturday at a ceremony that took place on Cumberland Island off the coast of Georgia. According to insiders and various staff from the company that catered the affair, the ceremony was "muy bonita". Apparently taking a page from his parents' wedding, JFK Jr. promised to love, honor and cheat on his wife every chance he gets. A local videographer, Mr. Zabruder, taped the entire ceremony. Afterwards, guests reviewed the tape and disputed the "second bride theory" that proposes that he married Darryl Hannah, not Bessette. Senator Edward Kennedy was on hand, but had to leave early to drive the maid-of-honor home.
About A Girl, or Courtney Love is The Nigger Of The World 09.23.97
Kurt Cobain, the MTV-created voice of the X generation, will be turning in his grave this weekend as his widow and hole, Courtney Love, and a “friend” dance on his rotting corpse. Love and “friend” have consigned items, including a bottle of acne medication, a piece of junk mail, and a discharge form from Cobain’s visit to a drug rehab center, to an auction house in Newport Beach, California. Apparently forgetting that they are making money off the exploitation of a dead guy, auction organizers turned down a heroin spoon “for reasons of taste.” Strangely enough, they did not turn down the shotgun or the brain-stained wallpaper from Cobain’s Seattle home, or his child.
In a related story, letters written by John Lennon to his cousin Leila were recently found in by Leila’s brother and Lennon’s other cousin, Stan Parkes. In the letters, written in the Seventies, Lennon discusses family values, health regimen, and his prediction that he would “live to a ripe old age”. His prediction continued, scribbled in almost undecipherable script and probably inaccurately translated, “unless my wife hires a hitman with a copy of Catcher in the Rye in his backpocket to shoot me dead outside of a New York City Hotel on December 7, 1981.” Parkes has said that he has no intention of selling the letters, even though anything related to the Beatles is highly marketable, except for Julian.
In a related story, Michael Jackson has purchased the embalmed remains of Vladimir Lenin.
File For Divorce, You're The Piano Man 9.24.96
Christie Brinkley walked down the aisle for the fourth time over the weekend. She married Peter Cook in a ceremony that took place in the Hamptons. Billy Joel, Brinkley's second husband was in attendance and was asked not to sing "Just The Way You Are." Wedding guests could barely hear the nuptials because helicopters carrying paparazzi were flying overhead. Just as the bride and groom were about to kiss, one of the helicopters crashed and missed the happy couple by inches. Brinkley immediately filed for divorce from Cook and married the pilot of the downed helicopter.
We'll Have A Gay Ole Time 9.25.96
Regency Vision and Warner Bros. have purchased the rights to a campus comedy being billed as the "gay Animal House". The story involves a group of students trying to come to terms with their sexual preferences by forming the first gay fraternity. Filming will begin as soon as the studios settle on a title, as the original title "Boyfriends" may not be used. The studios are looking into alternate titles such as "Anal-Mal House" or "Poop Dreams", but for some reason gay rights groups protested to these names. Producer Al Duncan says, "It's the first major film about gays that doesn't involve drag queens or tragic illness". He continued with something that sounded like "just keg parties and men going down on each other." In typical Hollywood fashion, other studios are jumping on the bandwagon, "When Harry Met Solly "and "Schindler's Fist," are scheduled for release next year. A straight version of the movie "Boys In The Band" is currently being discussed.
Not The Pineapple, The Guy Who's Running For President 9.27.96
Earlier this month Bob Dole made headlines when he accused the movies "Trainspotting" and "Pulp Fiction" of glorifying drug abuse. In retaliation, Capitol Records, which is releasing the soundtrack for the movie, released an advertisement that pictures Dole wearing a large badge reading "Iggy Pop for President." After seeing the poster, Ross Perot wanted to know if he could debate the aging rock singer, or at least one of his Stooges.
Songs Brando's Mother Taught Me 9.30.96
Marlon Brando is talking seriously to CBS about starring in the television miniseries adaptation of Mario Puzo's "The Last Don." The character, Don Clericuzio is similar to Brando's Don Corleone from "The Godfather " movies, and some have gone so far as to claim that "The Last Don" is merely a tired, pale imitation of "The Godfather." The Puzo detractors have not deterred Brando's interest, although there may be some scheduling conflicts. Brando is currently filming "A Cable Car Named Lust," "The Mild-Mannered Ones," "The Next Tango in Paris" and "The Sophomore." There is also talk of Brando starring in "Apocalypse Later."
This Just In? 9.30.96
A new biography by Graham McCann reveals startling secrets about Cary Grant. "Cary Grant, A Class Apart" attests that Grant turned Timothy Leary onto drugs and may have been a spy in Hollywood during World War II. McCann's book follows the recent release of several books unveiling never-before-heard information about Hollywood. Several shocking tell-alls reveal that Errol Flynn and Rock Hudson may have been gay; WC Fields had a drinking problem; Joan Crawford is abusive toward her children; and get this, FDR and Eleanor might have been cousins.
The National Pastime 09.15.96
After meeting for more than four hours in Chicago, Major League Baseball owners and The Players Association still haven’t come any closer to reaching a collective bargaining agreement. When asked about the status of talks, Selig said, “We are not negotiating in the press. We are going to go at our own pace and do what’s right for baseball, for both players, owners and fans.” When asked to clarify what he meant by “both” when he listed three items, Selig supposedly said, “Oh, the fans don’t count.”
Date Rape 9.25.96
Japan's number one ranked tennis player, Kimiko Date, has announced that she will retire after the WTA Tour Championships in New York, this November. The 25 year old player is ranked seventh in the world and has three Grand Slam tournaments under her belt. It is believed she is retiring due to a desire to end her career on a happy and fulfilled note, but sources close to the player confirm that after losing to Steffi Graf at Wimbledon this year, Date was in fact summoned to the palace of Grand Shogun Hiroshi Toranaga, who pronounced that Date's performance against the German was "shameful and lacked Bushido". Date plans to retire by doing a Kabuki dance to celebrate her defeat and then committing Seppuku.
Your Arms Are Too Short To Sue Mike Tyson 9.27.96
Tomorrow, a jury is expected to announce its verdict in the $49 million law suit filed against boxer Mike Tyson. Kevin Rooney, Tyson's former trainer, is suing the boxer claiming Tyson failed to honor a verbal contract with Cus D'Amato, Tyson's former former trainer, made to Rooney. Michael Coyle, the attorney for Rooney, accused the boxer of being an "arrogant ingrate." The proceedings halted while Tyson's attorney explained to the boxer the definition of arrogant ingrate. Coyle went on to say, "Tyson knowingly and willingly accepted everything Cus D'Amato did for him." The proceedings were stopped again while Tyson's lawyers explained the definition of knowingly and willingly because, as Desiree Washington can testify, he doesn't know what those words mean, either.
I Can Take Or Leave It, If I Please 09.11.96
Ottumwa, Iowa was drenched yesterday with 1.6 inches of rain in only 14 minutes. The flash flood could have wreaked havoc on the small midwestern town had it not been for the early warning system developed by local resident and Korean War veteran, Walter O'Reilly.
Pennies From Heaven 09.16.96
Thunderstorms swept across the northern Plains and upper midwest, inundating parts of South Dakota, Iowa, and Minnesota. One storm dumped hail as wide as nickels on Ortonville, Minnesota, prompting residents of the small town to exclaim, "We're rich, thank you, Jesus!", until they realized that what they held in their hands was not legal tender but, in fact, frozen water particles clinging to a silicon particulate.
Indian Summer 09.17.96
Indian Summer is here, which means rapidly-changing weather, which means rapidly- changing physical disposition, which means...guess what?! I've got a cold, but I continue to have all the allergy problems associated with pollen count and particulates. Thank you, Mother Nature, and pass me a salve.
Indian Summer is also the time when I get to sit back and reflect on -- and feel guilty for -- what some WASP-y schmucks four-hundred-years-ago did to this country's native peoples, namely stealing an extra month of summer for a few wampum beads and muskets. Well, listen Native Peoples, I'm with you. My People also had a Trail of Tears. Have you seen "Exodus"? I suggest you go to your local Video Emporium and pick it up. Cherokee Nation, Cherokee Tribe, Cherokee People, Cherokee Pride. And while we're on the subject, I'd like to personally lobby to re-name this period, "Native American Summer".
In other weather stories around the country, last night, four tornadoes touched down in North Carolina. Actually, there may have been five, but no one really knows because it was dark. Regardless, the damage to property and tobacco crops was substantial, further confounding the efforts to clean up the wreckage from our old friend Hurricane Fran and all the subsequent flooding in the region. I know I've been here before, and I don't mean to keep harping on this, but check out the Edgar Cayce, okay?
It was sunny and warm in New York, until a certain Lady Friend returned home from weekend trip to the Poconos and it got cold. Very cold. Arctic, in fact. I just want to say I'm sorry.
Ulcerated Justice 09.17.96
It’s sunny and warm in Los Angeles. Okay, I got that out of the way. Let’s talk about something that matters. Namely, I woke up this morning and thought it was 1996, but, lo and behold, 1984 was upon us, and I’m not talking the year, if you know what I mean.
The US Food and Drug Administration has approved a breath test for the detection of peptic ulcers. First of all, I don’t know why the Food and Drug Administration has gotten involved in enforcing the law, but I have my theories. Secondly, since when was it a crime to have an ailment? What is this, Logan’s Run? Well, if being sick or different or Jewish or a fan of Pia Zadora or whatever the Federal Bureau of Fascism deems a crime is a crime, consider me guilty as charged.
Give me a breath test, slap me with a DWBI (Driving While Bleeding Internally), revoke my license. I’ll see you in court. I’ll take this to the highest court! And I’m not talking Clarence Thomas and The Supremes. Look, I happen to come from a race of people who hold their accumulated hypochondriacal diseases only slightly lower than which model Mercedes they’re driving that year! When I die, I hope to go to my grave with every conceivable invented malady known to man! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, USDA? THIS ISN’T 1939 AND WE’RE NOT IN NUREMBERG, BABY! YOU GOT IT?!?! I’M FED UP! I’M...Oh God, I think I sprained my wrist...Carpal-tunnel...ouch...Ahem...My throat hurts...You think maybe I’ve got cancer? I better go now...I need to call my herbalist...I need some Mylanta.
The Groom Is A Pussy 9.26.96
First JFK Jr., then Christie Brinkley and now Phet and Ploy. Two Thai executives are planning a wedding for their cats Phet and Ploy. Vicharn Jarat-archa found the groom, a three year old tabby mix, on a hunting trip along the Thai-Burmese border. Since that trip, business has been booming. He went back to the border and found the bride, whom he gave to Naren Techaworawongsa, a fellow executive and holder of the worlds longest last name title. The cats have a condition called "diamond eyes" that the gullible people of Thailand believe is good luck. Actually the diamond effect is a type of glaucoma that causes a film or cataract, over the feline's eyes, leaving the cat blind unless treated. Each cat smokes five joints of government marijuana a day. No expense is going to be spared for the wedding. Celebrity cats in attendance will include Morris, Garfield, Sammy Davis, Dean Martin, and Heathcliff. The best man was supposed to be a parrot named Little Emerald and the Maid-of-Honor, an iguana named Naughty Girl, but the bride and groom ate them and said they were delicious. Phet and Ploy will enjoy a honeymoon cruise on the River of Kings, where they are expected to go at it like a couple of cats in heat.
Plaster Forecaster 9.26.96
Chicago: 57, fair, smelly, corrupt, racially tense.
Washington D.C.: 54, cloudy, racially tense, corrupt, Ted Kennedy.
Boston: 57, clear, Ted Kennedy, baked beans, bad drivers.
Los Angeles: 76, cloudy, bad drivers, gang-infested, illegal immigrants, O.J. again
Miami: 82, clear, illegal immigrants, gang-infested, old Jewish people.
New York: 51, fair, old Jewish people, crime ridden, prostitution.
Las Vegas: 80, scattered clouds, prostitution, gambling, buffets.
Key West: 80, clear, Jimmy Buffett-infested, dolphins, gay.
San Francisco: 69, foggy, gay, trolley-infested, Golden Gate Bridge.
Seattle: 67, rainy, Bill Gates, grunge-infested, heroin reigns.
Cigar? Cigarette? Ice Cream Sandwich? 9.30.96
There were clouds and light rain in Newport News, Virginia today. Do you what what else is going on there? Parents in a Menchville Meadows neighborhood discovered that candy cigarettes were being sold to their children from an ice cream truck. Can you believe this? I think the cigarette companies are behind this. It's all part of their plan to get kids smoking at an early age. First they get hooked on the candy cigarettes, next comes bubble gum cigars, than the harder stuff, like Now and Laters, Jaw Breakers, and Candy Corn. Next thing you know they're robbing a candy store, all hopped up on Milk Duds. There's no place for them to turn, they end up in jail, trading their candy cigarettes for favors. Why don't we just go all the way, selling crack lollipops or heroin peeps? If we don't put an end to this we may have to open up the Willy Wonka Rehabilitation Center for Those Addicted to Good and Plenty. Guess what they say about the song "Candyman" is true, as much as I don't want to believe that Sammy Davis, Jr., rest-in-peace, would ever glorify dope. And don't get me started on Peter, Paul, and Mary.
That And Ten Cents Will Buy You A Cup Of Coffee
I was going to buy myself a sportscar. Not just any sportscar, mind you, but the kind of sportscar that could get you fine ladies and torrid stories to tell about them. I certainly wasn’t going to buy one of those Japanese mock sportscars with the good gas-mileage and the lousy pick up. No, I was going to get a real, dyed-in-the-wool, compensating-for-my-small-penis, Italian-made sportscar.
That idea changed a little when I saw the sticker price: $40,000 for even the bare minimum pussy-catcher. And why was it so expensive? Was it because pin-striping is so diffucult a procedure? Or because the reduction in comfortable seats merits a reduction in the wallet that’s seated there? No, it’s simple and plain: automotive corruption. It certainly couldn’t be because of supply and demand, or at least that’s my story.
When faced with such a daunting problem, what can a man do? The price is set in stone, and one lone man can not change the rules, right? Wrong. Here’s the key to avoiding unscrupulous auto-crooks: Get a law passed to prevent innocent thirtysomethings from losing their shirts while they’re losing their hair. And how does one lone man you get a law like that passed? Why, you purchase yourself your very own politician, of course!
Bribe you say? Bite your tongue, Jaded Voter in Middle America! The integrity of the modern politician would not allow for the taking of bribes. However, for the price of a Fiat, you can become your very own special interest group.
Why just last year alone corporations spent over $400 million dollars trying to make this a better land. Was that dishonest? Was that unscrupulous? Was that, in any way, a slap in the face to the architects of the Constitution? Of course not! It was completely legal and, therefore, moral. So stop your grousing and get on board.
In one of the most stirring acts of selflessness, the Philip Morris company spent $11.3 million of their own dollars to keep tobacco products from being regulated by the evil Food and Drug Administration.
The AMA last year spent 8.5 million of their hard-earned golf money, and you can be sure it was to keep prices down for you and me. I mean, we’re talking about doctors, how could they be corrupt?
Those saints at the Christian Coalition spent $5.9 million so that thousands of teenagers would have the opportunity to bear children without the cumbersome duty of reviewing other options.
General Electric and AT&T come in at a combined total of $9.6 million. And what could make you feel safer than those do-gooders influencing how our country is run? After all, they bring good things to life, right? I will go on record now to say that those two corporations in particular are not doing, and have never done, anything unscrupulous. If I don’t, of course, they have plenty of noble trial lawyers who love to go after people who have that most odious of traits, a dissenting opinion.
Citicorp Bank spent 4.2 million dollars last year and who cares more about people then the banks? If I’m not mistaken, I believe Mother Theresa is a banker. There’s a thought that’ll let us rest safe in the arms of democracy.
That’s just the money that’s been accurately reported. You see, these corporations are shy, and they don’t necessarily want their good deeds bandied about the town like so much idle barbershop chitchat. The companies are so shy, in fact, that a law had to be passed (effective January 1) requiring corporations to estimate these expenditures twice a year, so we would all have an opportunity to bask in their generosity. Focus on the word “estimate”, I think it’s important. This is akin to the amount of tips a waitress actually claims on her taxes.
Some of the lobbyists for other causes are not so generous. The Family Violence Prevention Fund has a lobby budget under $20,000 dollars. Shame, shame, shame. What a total lack of commitment. For that pittance, you would be lucky for a political handshake, much less legislation. As if we need more inane liberal programs educating people about domestic violence. Well, thankfully, you get what you pay for.
Despite the fact that these businesses are taking such a high road, “The People” still complain that they are not well-represented. They complain, but they don’t galvanize into action. These corporate philanthropists must surely get tired of our constant whining. You don’t like something, Average Joe? Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, loosen those pursestrings, and spend the millions of dollars needed to get things done!
You don’t like mayoniase?
“The Coalition For Dairy Limitations”
Do you think Uerkel is an annoying S.O.B?
“The American Family Matters Family Adjustment Campaign”
“I hate pornography?”, you say?
“The Pro-woman Coalition Of Morality”
You say you love pornography.
“The Pro-woman Coalition Of Morality”
It’s all at the tip of your checkbook, and God knows what this country needs is another tiny group screaming at the top of their lungs for something no one really needs or wants and, in fact, will probably hurt them.
You can enjoy the Fruits of Democracy laid down by our forefathers, you just have to be able to afford it. Freedom is not cheap, my friends, and it’s time you faced facts: it’s all your fault.
It’s just that simple. You can change America, if you only have the guts to stop being so stingy.
Goodday, Mr. And Mrs. America, as I leave you and drive away in my $5,000 sportscar and indulge myself with my righteously legalized hooker, I am reminded of a quote that sums up the American dream: “If you can’t stand the heat, legislate the hell out of the kitchen until it’s no longer legal to use your stove!”
They come from the land of ice and snow
Where the Midnight Sun and the hot springs flow.
Led Zeppelin, “The Immigrant Song”
I like Led Zeppelin, which is why I choose to quote them for this article, even though the song really has nothing to do with the theme of the piece, except that it’s about immigrants.
It’s no fun being an illegal alien.
Genesis, “Illegal Alien”
This is more to the point, but I really hate Phil Collins. So, we’re stuck with Zeppelin.
And immigrants. A whole lot of them. All over the place. But more on that later.
November 5, Election Day, came and went and with it came some of the most brilliant bits of “f***-off immigrants, and while you’re at it f***-off women and minorities, too” legislation “the people” have ever wanted. And the candidates, of course, focused all their energies on the most important issue at hand. Namely, how to keep America white.
Whether it’s a referendum to make English the official language, or California’s 1994 Proposition 187, the bottom line is clear: universal health coverage, tax cuts, and welfare reform are secondary, at best. All that truly matters is that Mexican children are not entitled to the same benefits that good, wholesome, white Christian children (whose parents are in the upper income tax bracket) are entitled to.
Beaners! Beaners! They eat beans!
Tommy Chong, “Beaners”
Take the Republican platform, for instance. Thus far, the strategy for world dominance employed by Republicans has involved sidestepping issues and concentrating their efforts on defaming Clinton, the philandering, dope-smoking, draft-dodging Dixiecrat who isn’t savvy enough to run the country, but somehow is capable of masterminding and ringleading a huge land development swindle. .
And it worked. (Remember the elections of 1994.)
But somewhere along about August, the Republicans decided that, while rhetoric wins Congressional elections, it may take substance to actually win a Presidential election.
Which is why immigration reform and eradicating affirmative action became the Republican platform.
But that didn’t work, either. (Remember the elections a few months back? The ones you didn’t vote in? Probably not, huh?)
But I digress. My point is not to indict the Republican Party. We all remember a few years ago when President Clinton fired a certain Cabinet Member for hiring an illegal alien as a babysitter or housekeeper or landscaper or drugrunner or whatever it is that illegals do.
And isn’t Kathie Lee Gifford a Democrat?
Whatever.
I’m an alien. I’m A legal alien.
I’m an Englishman in New York.
Sting, “Englishman in New York”
This is what I’m talking about. Just because Sting is a white guy from England, he’s allowed in. As much as I hate Phil Collins, I hate Sting even more. And he’s allowed in. Great immigration policy.
It’s illegal for Brown and Yellow People1 to cross our borders, but the minute some Eastern European gymnast starts crying about how he/she will be murdered if he/she remains in his/her country, we have some kind of weird Open Door Policy.
Well, the last time I was on Staten Island, I don’t remember the inscription on the Statue of Liberty reading “Give us your wretched refuse that can score above a 9.5 in the floor exercise.”
“Who cares about the rambling libertarian, reactionary viewpoints expressed on an eyesore given to us by France , a nation of cowards?”, you, the gentle reader, ask. Maybe no one. But how about what this country was built upon? And I’m not talking about the blood of its native peoples. No sir. I’m talking about the concept that equal education and equal opportunity should be available to all. Even those without their papers.
You know who else demanded papers? Adolf Hitler.
Maybe your litmus test on immigation is this: does the emigre bring value to our country? To this I can only respond: I would much rather have a dishwasher, a bus boy, or a lettuce picker here than some Slav in a bodysuit who can do backflips. What a value-packed skill that is, circus freak.
Sure, a Korean refugee who arrived in this country on board a makeshift vessel formed out of palm fronds and spit may throw off the math curve, but if your school wins the Academic Decathalon, who’s the worst for it?2
And besides, without the Mexican People, we would not have the Macarena3.
Hey, Macarena!
Los Del Rios, “Macarena”
1 It’s weird how few Black People want to get into America. See Also SLAVERY, OF HUMAN BONDAGE, SATAN.
2 Of course, he/she will score extremely low in the debate, but will more than make up for it in Differential Equations.
3 “The Macarena” recently surpassed “The Lambada” as the longest short-lived dance craze of the 90’s. See Also ELECTRIC SLIDE, THE RUNNING MAN, THE CABBAGE PATCH.
A Child Molester.
Angry school officials will review the “sexual harassment policies” of Public School 104. But these “sexual harrassment policies” do not refer to harrassment between Administrators and Teachers, or Teachers and Teachers, or even Teachers and Students. The whole hubbub is about Student to Student sexual harrassment. But these aren’t high school students, or junior high students. These are students who shouldn’t even have a clue as to what “sexual” is all about: a seven-year-old boy and a seven-year-old girl. A stolen kiss and a stolen button.
Just weeks after a little boy was suspended for kissing a girl at a North Carolina grade school, De’Andre Dearinge was sent home from PS 104 in Far Rockaway, NJ, with a note saying “Reason for Suspension: Sexual Harassment.” Sexual Harrassment. Seven-year-old De’Andre Dearinge kissed a girl and stole a button off her OshKosh B’Gosh’s because he liked the children’s book, “Corduroy”, about a teddy bear with a missing button. Sexual Harrassment?!
Understand the scenario as they want us to see it: Dearinge was sitting next to a girl at lunch and found the Barney skirt and Baby Bop top she was wearing to be a “turn on”. In a fit of passion, Dearinge grabbed her, forced a kiss and, while pawing her, tore off the button. This is a seven-year-old, for Chrissake! He was just trying to impress his playground pal with his knowledge of literature!
School officials wouldn’t discuss the incident, but the boy’s parents said the school had “misinterpreted a child’s innocent peck on the cheek.” Misinterpreted? Let’s not mince words. How about the school officials projected their own feelings of sexual repression onto the situation? How about how their action keeps alive the fine tradition of teaching men that any form of affection is wrong and linked directly to that thing swinging between your legs?
The boy’s parents met with the deputy superintendent of School District 27, where it was decided that the term “sexual harassment” was inappropriate, but the behavior “dictated a stronger look at what the child did.”
The Board of Education said it would reconsider its sexual harassment guidelines, which lists sexual harassment and possible penalties, but does not describe how the policy should be applied to students from kindergarten to high school. Some guideline suggestions: If a boy pushes a girl down, he should be labeled a wife beater and never be allowed to marry. If a boy touches another boy in a affectionate manner, they should be labeled as gay and be castrated, and if a little boy pulls a girl’s hair, he should be arrested for rape.
THE PENNANT RACE
September is here. The leaves are turning; the brisk Fall chill is returning; and Major League Baseball’s pennant race is heating up.
The divisional races are particularly exciting. For reals. Take the National League West where Southern Californian neighbors San Diego and LA are going toe-to-toe. LA has recently received an emotional boost with the return of Bret Butler. Butler was diagnosed with cancer earlier this spring and defied medical opinion that he would ever return to baseball or to the hit TV show “Grace Under Fire”.
In the NL East, the Chicago Cubs are still upbeat despite being eliminated from the playoffs this weekend. The team is still riding high off their recent World Series victory in 1908.
In the American League, the four-team wild card race has taken a back seat to unfolding saga in Detroit. All eyes are turned to Motown as the Tigers are on pace to lose over 100 games.
Montreal is embroiled in yet another wild card contest, making for a phenomenal close to what has been an incredible summer of baseball. The Expos are a perfect example of the genius of thewild card format They are completely out of reach from division-leading Atlanta, but are on the top of the wild card race, which is kind of like being Ross Perot and actually having a chance to become President.
With the expansion of teams, there was a obvious need to create new divisions and, in turn, expand the playoffs. This guarantees a race that will be decided in the last couple of weeks of the season every year. Unless you’re the Angels and owned by Disney. In which case, it is much more important to make the “Angels in the Outfield” sequel than to win their division.
Of course, all these is just used as a ploy to keep the masses distracted and involved with something that has no bearing on their lives whatsoever, while the old white men in power continue to undermine whatever’s left of humanity, take away our freedom, plot against all wymyn and minorities in power, put mind- numbing drugs in the water supply, use guns and drugs as a tool of inner-city destruction and then as a scapegoat to create hysteria that will be used to set up a global police force. Play Ball!
Personals/Obituaries
SWDM: Seeking bleach blonde riot grrl to mourn my death and erroneously compare me to Lennon. Abilitity to neglect children while in a heroin-induced haze a plus. E.mail GIFs and needle to Kcobain@seattle.com.
SBDMTS: Dead tennis star seeks deserved recognition given to living oversexed basketball player. Please enclose a clue. Aashe@wimble.com.
SWDP: Dead president seeking blonde actresses into baseball stars, playwrights, and barbituates. Object: sex. Send GIF and Birthday Greeting to jfk@camelot.gov. Please, no Texans.
SWDP: Dead president seeks loving woman who is not...NOT!...crazy. Must share an interest in the theatre. honestabe@fourscore.gov or try me at my Gettysburg address.
SWMND: Single white male not dead seeks anyone who does not wish I was. Kcameron@wbtv.com.
SWDDH: Dead and loving it. Extremely grateful bearded fellow seeks sugar magnolia willing to go “truckin’.” Send tab, grilled cheese sandwich, and tie-dye samples to jerry@terrapin.com.
SWDS: Messiah seeks Barbara Hershey type to provide one “last temptation”. Whores welcome. JHC@heaven.com
Dead German patriarch, cute in a Chaplinesque way, charismatic speaker, idea man, seeks plump fraulein to be my little leibshin. Must be willing to die with me in a bunker. No Jews or gypsies, please. E.mail me c/o Satan@hell.com. or Mengele@brazil.edu.
SWM & SBK Into B&D, LKM, DSN (mornings only), light GRC and SLD, and BRQ if your JJKLMBC. Also into GTLNAND and FLT. Will consider SBJ, but only with right people. SJK-SND-UTRMKLDSDMBC @LBJ.QTD.net
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