BHSurfer: Welcome to Firezone, where a panel of experts debate the hottest topics of the day. This week’s issue: Sarin Jack Flash, It’s A Gas, Gas, Gas...
PenTagon: There’s no proof of that!
BHSurfer: What’re you talking about?
PenTagon: We have not seen any definitive proof that Sarin is, indeed, a gas. As a matter of fact, I’ve never even seen Sarin.
BHSurfer: Maybe that’s because it’s a gas?
PenTagon: Oh.
BHSurfer: Our first guest is a Pentagon spokesman...
PenTagon: There’s no proof of that.
BHSurfer: You’re sitting right here!
PenTagon: Oh.
BHSurfer: Has there been a cover-up?
PenTagon: As relates to what?
BHSurfer: As relates to the mysterious Gulf War illness and the admission that thousands of soldiers may have been exposed to Sarin gas.
PenTagon: Wow! That’s terrible.
BHSurfer: You know nothing about this?
PenTagon: No, but we should look into that.
BHSurfer: Our next panelist is a young man who served in the Gulf War...
PenTagon: Wait a minute...how do we know you’re a man?
ArmyGuy: Well, quite frankly, since being exposed to Sarin, it’s hard to tell.
PenTagon: See!
BHSurfer: See what?
PenTagon: This “expert” has been completely discredited. He said he was a man, but then, by his own admission, he said “it was hard to tell.”
BHSurfer: Actually, I said he was a man...
PenTagon: And we’re supposed to trust you? You can’t even get your story straight on your own show!
BHSurfer: Let’s get back --
PenTagon: And another thing, ArmyGuy, if that really is your name, what do you mean by “hard to tell”? We at the Pentagon have no problem discerning men from women.
BHSurfer: As evidenced by all that sexual harassment.
PenTagon: No, dummy, because we go through a long and arduous training program.
BHSurfer: Which involves?
PenTagon: Reading “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. That John Gray is a genius.
ArmyGuy: Look, when I said it’s hard to tell whether I’m a man, I wasn’t referring to my sexuality. I was talking about the gills I have grow on my neck.
BHSurfer: Is that the worst of the side-effects?
ArmyGuy: Worst? I don’t know. Most functional definitely. I live in LA.
Sexxxy: LOL, ArmyGuy.
ArmyGuy: Really? It just makes me cry.
BHSurfer: Wow! On that note, we have with us an expert on gas poisoning,SPlath. Welcome.
Splath: I wouldn’t call myself an expert, per se...
BHSurfer: Then what what you prefer?
Splath: Poet.
BHSurfer: Great, welcome SPlath who has written us a poem about gas poisoning.
Splath: Violets Are Blue, Roses Are Red, You Fought For Your Country, Now, You’d Be Better Off Dead.
BHSurfer: Touching.
Splath: I tried to capture the pain of Gulf War vets.
ArmyGuy: Well, speaking for Gulf War vets, I’m in a lot more pain now.
PenTagon: Can you actually prove there was a “Gulf War”, as you put it?
ArmyGuy: Yeah, I can show you my assignment papers --
PenTagon: Oh, like papers can’t be fudged! Like we don’t doctor paperwork all the time at the Pentagon! Like we didn’t change a comma here, a quotation mark there, and suddenly Gulf War illness? What Gulf War illness?
BHSurfer: What was that?
PenTagon: Oh nothing.
ArmyGuy: I have a question for you, PenTagon. If there is no such thing as Gulf War illness, why do I and about ten thousand of my closest fellow Gulf War vets have all these mysterious symptoms?
PenTagon: What do I look like, a doctor?
Splath: I have a poem about doctors.
BHSurfer: Look honey, I’m sick of your little ditties. Why don’t you go put your head in the oven and, while you’re at it, call your gal pal Asexton and have her molest her daughter and OD on sleeping pills.
Splath: Well, I never --
BHSurfer: Maybe that’s the problem, sweetheart. We have a user’s question:
Krazzzeee: Age/Sex Check?
BHSurfer: Great. Next user.
Rocker: Are there any fine ladies into B&D, S&M, and Moms Mabley recordings?
BHSurfer: Wow. Next user:
MrChill: I kind of agree with PenTagon. I mean, when ArmyGuy signed up, didn’t he know what he was getting into?
ArmyGuy: When I signed up, I was trying to get money for college and hoping I’d maybe get stationed in the Pacific Rim so I could make it with Filipino hookers.
PenTagon: I’ve never made it with Filipino hookers.
BHSurfer: No one asked you.
PenTagon: Ah, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Right. I always forget that.
Harlmeister: I love the ladies and the ladies love me.
BHSurfer: And this has to do with...?
Harlmeister: Nothing. It’s just what I say whenever I enter a room. People think it makes me cooler. Like my online handle, Harlmeister. Cool, huh?
BHSurfer: As a cucumber.
PenTagon: Why do you have to keep bringing up that cucumber thing. I’m telling you, I don’t know how it got there!
BHSurfer: No one was talking to you.
PenTagon: Damn! That “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” thing again, right?
ArmyGuy: I don’t feel well.
PenTagon: Your health issues are not my concern!
BHSurfer: Then, exactly what is your concern?
PenTagon: As related to what?
BHSurfer: The Gulf War.
PenTagon: Whoa! We’re at war?! Somebody should tell the President.
BHSurfer: That’s all the time we have...
ArmyGuy: I really don’t feel well. I think I’m having a baby. Do babies have four heads?
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