December 1996

Kicking Hass Undt Taking Names 12.01.96

An Italian military tribunal freed former SS Major Karl Hass, implicated in the killings of 335 people in Nazi-occupied Rome, suggesting he be tried in a civilian court because the killings were outright murder and not just one small part of a military operation. The Romans are busy rounding up a jury of his peers, but Josef Stalin, Andrew Jackson, and Jim Jones are unavailable because they are dead.

In A Space Jam 12.01.96 Astronauts were disappointed when their scheduled space walks were canceled. NASA engineers were unable to open a hatch leading from the airlock chamber to the cargo bay and had left the spare key "in the other pair of pants at home. Damn!". They tried jimmying the lock with a coat hanger and Tammy Jernigan called Triple-AAA, but the free towing is only valid within seven miles. Ultimately, the astronauts and engineers gave up and decided to just float around and look busy for the CNN cameras.
Red and Yellow China 12.01.96p McDonald's is closing its Tienanmen Square/Wangfujing street restaurant in Beijing after fighting a removal order for over two years. According to the manager at the neighboring Burger Yak restaurant, P.U. Pladder, "The whole thing started when a high-ranking government official ordered breakfast at 11:02 and was denied. Also, he was really upset he couldn't hear the person in that little booth. The government served the eviction notice in tanks, which, of course, didn't fit in the drive-thru". Rumors are flying that the employees armed themselves with cups of scalding hot coffee, but were no match for the Red Guard's guns and take-out service. In a show of solidarity, Tibetan fast-food workers dumped fryer grease over their heads and set themselves ablaze.
Once Bitten, Twice Stupid 12.02.96 Prosecutors say that four teenagers suspected of slaying a Florida couple were members of cult called, "Vampire Clan". Not understanding what vampires do, the teenagers drank each others' blood, mutilated animals, and engaged in role-playing games. Not to be outdone, the rival "Werewolf Clan" didn't turn into wolves, can't only be killed with a silver bullet, played Rotisserie-league baseball, and killed an Arkansas family of four.
It's About Time 12.02.96
The oldest man in Rhode Island died at the age of 106. Authorities aren't clear on the cause of death, but they are fairly certain he died of old age.
In Roman Catholicism, “Vulgar Appeals” Means “Stopping The Spread of A Deadly Virus” 12.03.96

The Vatican criticised organizers for turning World AIDS Day “into a series of vulgar appeals for the use of condoms.” The Pope, or Pope John Paul as he’s known in Vatican circles, is vehemently opposed to the use of condoms. A spokes-bishop indicated that the Pontiff doesn’t experience the same sensation with a condom as without, although he does prefer ribbed, for her pleasure.

Slight Problem 12.03.96 On Monday, two black aircraft mechanics at Kelly Air Force base said they were subjected to several racially-motivated harassments. Co-workers riding in a government van and wearing Ku Klux Klan type hoods verbally assaulted the reservists, and a KKK cutout bearing the epithet, "He was going to go and hang some niggers" was discovered. The two men who were caught driving the van said that they were "just joking". PW Botha made a similar joke with that whole apartheid gag that still has the world laughing heartily. Air Force Major, Robert L. Mason, stated in a report, "that the base has a racial concern." You might recall that Germany had a "religious concern" in the '30s and '40s.
No Man Is An Island, Bill 12.04.96 President Clinton has added the Caribbean island of Aruba to the list of illicit drug-producing countries. The Netherland's Antilles has also been added to the list, which includes Cuba, Turkey, Bulgaria, and Greece. In a related story, tourism is up in Aruba, Antilles, Cuba, Bulgaria, and Greece, but not Turkey because everyone's seen Midnight Express.
Domo Arigato, Mr. Pepto-Bismol 12.04.96

Japan's Hirofumi Nakajima, 144 pounds of hot dog-eating fury, toppled current hot dog eating champion, 320-pound Ed "The Animal" Krachie of the US, by shoveling 23 1/4 hot dogs into his gullet. Nakajima became the Rising Sun's eating champion last year when he ate, in one sitting, 15 bowls of noodle soup, 100 peices of sushi, five plates of wheat noodles, five plates of beef over rice, and five plates of curry over rice. When asked how he maintains his thin physique, a translator said, "Well, he has a very high metabolism. And afterwards, he just makes himself throw up."

In a related story, thousands of children in Rwanda are starving.

Give Me Back Dim Sum! 12.04.96

A 12-year-old Connecticut boy was abducted at gunpoint and five days later turned up in New York. His father, a Chinese restaurateur, may have struck a secret deal with the kidnappers and paid an $88,000 ransom (or the #54) even as the child was found by authorities. The FBI and the police have denied the scenario, insisting that even if the Chinese man paid the ransom, he'd only have to pay it again an hour later.

Swiss Family Reichentacht 12.04.96

A 1946 State Department memo reveals that Swiss bankers and businessmen used diplomatic pouches to sneak Nazi assets into Argentina during World War II. Apparently, the Swiss not only make great chocolate and great watches, but also great vultures of human misery. In a related story, the Swiss translation of "neutrality" is "collaborating with the Third Reich."

The Illustrated Man 12.04.96

Tattooing, the ancient art of turning people into Swastika, The Animated Series, has been outlawed in New York City since 1961, which, like all illegal activities in New York City, has led to the proliferation of tattoo parlors in all corners of the Big Apple (See: PROSTITUTION, RACKETEERING, STATE EMPLOYEES). However, the city is now proposing to lift the ban, ostensibly because they've discovered a way to tax your skin.

Air Force One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest 12.04.96

The Pentagon reports that military aircraft flights for the president and other White House officials are safe and reliable. The families of all 230 flight 800 passengers can now sleep easier.

The Furor Over Fission 12.04.96

Retired Air force General, Lee Butler, who at one time commanded U.S. Nuclear forces, did an about face with an out of character stance suggesting that we need to work toward total nuclear disarmament. Strangely enough, Jackson Brown, Jane Fonda, and James Taylor are rumored to be holding a rally for the proliferation of nuclear weapons.

It Keeps Going And Going And Going...12.04.96

A woman who works at a battered women's shelter took the stand at the Simpson trial today. She claims that a "caller", referring to herself as "Nicole", said that her "famous ex-husband was stalking and threatening her". The caller supposedly went on to say her ex, a "Heisman trophy winner" played pro-ball "for a football team from NY", than was traded to a "team in San Francisco", than "made movies and did commercials for a rent-a-car company". The defense objected to the testimony, saying there was no proof the caller was Nicole.

In a related story, Paula Barbieri testified that she broke up with OJ via an answering message on his machine with him hours before the murders. She said that after she made the call, she flew to Vegas and did not respond to OJ's repeated phone messages. Apparently, Barbieri was too busy contacting Playboy, talk shows, and a book publisher.

You've Got Some Nerve! 12.04.96

Good news if you've ever been mauled by a bear: there may be hope. A 16-year-old girl on a 4-H trip in the mountains near Tucson was attacked by Not-So-Gentle Ben and the sciatic nerve in her right leg was severed, rendering her leg virtually useless and prone to infection and ulcers. In reference to the new grafting procedure the girl is undergoing, a hospital spokesman said that doctors will "be sewing these things that look like cooked spaghetti." This has led forest rangers and game and wildlife wardens to speculate that the bear was Italian. If the procedure fails...well, the leg was virtually useless anyway...

Not An Animal 12.04.96

Amita Sharma, a radiologist at the Royal London Hospital, has discovered that John "The Elephant Man" Merrick did not suffer from the disease named after him but from a different, rare condition. The respected X-rayer has also figured out that Lou Gehrig had Legionnaire's disease while the French Foreign Legion suffered from Lou Gehrig's disease. Also revealed: Eric Stolz didn't really have liontitis, he's just an actor, and Mr. Potato Head isn't suffering from anything, he's just a weird little kid's toy.


Midnight Express Yourself 12.05.94

Five-thousand more Iraqis are expected to make their way across the Turkish border next week. At first, the State Department thought the Kurdish refugees were fleeing Iraq because they feared persecution from Baghdad, but soon discovered that the Kurds merely had heard about all those great massages and hashish you could get in Turkey and wanted to see what it was all about.

Equal Discrimination Under The Law, or By The Time I Get To Arizona 12.05.96

The US Supreme Court will be hearing a challenge to a 1988 Arizona law passed by voters that requires all state workers to speak English only on the job. The dispute, at first, was thought to be on constitutional grounds, but it’s, in fact, more practical: since 1988, almost 60% of all state workers were fired for not speaking English...they were speaking racist. In a related story, several state employees were sent home for wearing the wrong color skin to work.

To Wit 12.05.96

Newly released documents indicate that Winston Churchill admonished the Duke of Windsor for airing his “pro-Nazi” sentiments during World War II. Transcripts reveal that the Duke exclaimed at a Cabinet meeting, “Why, Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!”. To which Churchill replied, “Yes, and you’re a Nazi sympathizer and I’ll be sober in the morning.”

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa 12.05.97

A new Batman comic book relating the horrors of hidden landmines on children has won the praise of Senator Patrick Leahy, who said,”This edition vividly illustrates in stark detail why US leadership is urgently needed to end this worldwide scourge. As a lifelong enthusiast of the Batman legend, I’m proud of the Caped Crusader joining this crusade.” Shortly thereafter, the Senator was carted off to Arkham Asylum.

The New Weavers 12.05.97

A jackbooted spokes-agent with the renegade branch of the Justice Department known affectionately as the ATF is calling for the heads of King Features Syndicate to apologize for an “Ernie” comic strip that showcased a militia type practicing to shoot a “stinkin’ ATF man.” The agent said that ATF agents risk their lives protecting America from drug dealers and violent, armed criminals as well as anyone who has political views outside of the mainstream, 14-year-old boys, and anyone who ever bought the Cheech & Chong album, Big Bambu.


Is Paris Blowing Up? 12.05.96

Paris is being occupied again, but this time around it’s not by Nazi troops. It’s by French soldiers and police, which is close enough. A bomb that exploded in a subway car, killing two, has put the whole country on alert. Froggie officials have stepped up security measures, sealed thousands of trash cans, didn’t bathe, and set up metal barricades outside schools. Support has poured in from nations around the world, except for Ireland, the Middle East, and Indonesia, all which said “It was just a bomb. What’s the big fucking deal?”

Fun, Fun, Fun 12.05.96

A recent report released by the Institute for Women's Policy Research states that women in New England, D.C.and several western states fare better in areas such as income and wages, political clout, and health issues, while women from Southern states, New Jersey, and the Midwest lag behind. In a separate report the Good Vibrations Research thinktank headed by Dr. B. Wilson issued their findings that East Coast girls are hip, Southern girls knock you out with their linguistic talents, Midwest farmer's daughters really make you feel alright, and Northern girls are excellent kissers. Dr. Wilson also claimed, that if he had his choice, he wishes all women could be from the state of California.

Aum Supreme Court Appeal 12.06.96

Doomsday cult leader Shoko Asahara has not yet entered a plea in court to the charge of ordering a deadly nerve gas attack on Tokyo's subway system, although he did plead guilty to killing lawyer Tsutsumi Sakamoto. Even though he killed a lawyer, they're still pressing charges.

Bennett’s Axiom 12.07.96

In the United States, an assault occurs every six seconds, lending credence to my theory that people run their traps way too much.

Mommy, Why Does Everybody Got The Bomb? 12.07.96

The US State Department is opposing the Japanese request to place a Hiroshima atomic bomb memorial dome on the UN’s list of important cultural locations: “The United States will not support the inclusion of Hiroshima...essentially because...we don’t believe that war-related sites are within the scope of the [UN] convention.” The statement said nothing about the United States feeling incredibly guilty.

Viva Zapata Express! 12.07.96

The Mexican government is scheduled to announce who will operate the nation’s most important railroad, which links the capital with the US border. Strangely, the rest of the world thought Mexico’s most important railroad was the Zapatistas and that railroading was engineered by the government itself. Hm.

Six Degrees Of Assassination 12.10.96

Famous felon Joe Chagra died from injuries caused by a car wreck at the age of 50. Chagra can best be remembered as the key witness against hitman Charles Harrelson, who is implicated in the JFK assassination. Charles Harrelson is also famous for being the father of actor Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson was in Natural Born Killers which was directed by Oliver Stone. Oliver Stone also directed JFK which featured Kevin Bacon.

Give Me Back My Datsun 12.10.96

Richard Minsky, a convicted rapist and used car salesman, was arrested for calling random women he chose out of a Boston and Cambridge phone book saying he was holding a relative hostage and wanted sex for ransom. Police traced the phone calls and arrested Minsky on three counts of attempted extortion, assault, failing to register with the states sex-offender registry and being a used car salesman.

Giving New Meaning to Joint Chiefs Of Staff 12.10.96

House Majority Leader Dick Armey is considering a presidential candidacy in the year 2000. A spokes-Republican said Armey has only talked in general terms but some details have been released. Armey will choose Peter Navy to be his running mate. The Armey/Navy ticket will advocate a flat tax rate and will be adopting a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," candidacy.

Rock The Votes 12.10.96

Mexican leaders are happy about two constitutional amendments passed this last week. The amendment would make it possible for Mexicans to adopt United States citizenship without losing their rights in Mexico, including voting privileges. Now, lucky citizens can ignore their civic duties in both countries.

No Obligation! 12.10.96

NATO will be inviting some former communist nations to begin talks at a NATO summit. As a means to boost the organization's popularity, with the membership, each country will receive the NATO newsletter and get ten CD's for a penny. Their only obligation will be to send peace-keeping troops to the war of their choice within the next three years

Give Me Back My Soul! 12.10.96

Robbie Robinson was convicted of extorting money from the principal who was molesting Robinson’s 12-year-old son and sentenced to a longer prison term than the molestor. In a related story, good!

Intelligence By Any Other Name 12.10.96

The LA County Sheriff’s office has released a 3600-page report debunking the San Jose Mercury News’ conspiracy theory that the CIA was involved in selling crack to LA’s black gangs to fund the Contra rebels. The investigation found quote “no evidence” that a respected branch of our government who protects our vital, national interests and makes it possible for our country’s children to sleep safely at night had anything to with the crack rock. The probe further suggested that perhaps Mr. Mercury News should stop getting his information from dirty, lying criminals and crackheads.

Springtime for Milius 12.10.96

The Justice Department’s Nazi-hunting Office of Special Investigations has sued to revoke Adolph Milius’ US citizenship after finding original wartime records documenting Milius involved in persecution of Lithuanian Jews. Here’s an idea: if you’re going to move to the United States and try to put your Nazi past behind you, you might want to change your name, Adolph.

Statistics Don’t Lie 12.10.96
The birth rate fell by three percent last year, the fourth year in a row that the birth rate has declined by at least one percent. At this rate, somewhere between thirty-three and a hundred years, no more babies will be produced. Of the babies being born, 90% of them will be just as stupid as their parents.

Second Cameraman 12.10.96

The FBI retracted its appeals opposing the release of classified documents relating to the assassination of JFK. The FBI originally appealed to President Clinton because they feared the information could prejudice intelligence operations abroad, but withdrew their appeal when they realized that releasing the truth could prevent people from ever having to sit through an Oliver Stone movie again.

Cash For Christ 12.11.96

The Christian Coalition had a banner year, bleeding over $24.9 million in fund-raising from its followers. Oddly, this is $24.8 million more than the moneychangers in the temple made in 30 a.d., keeping in mind cost-of-living.

Dope 12.11.96

White House anti-drug chieftain Barry McCaffrey proclaimed, as nominally important people are wont to do, that speed will replace crack as the most widely used drug in the United States by the end of the decade. McCaffrey's report is believed to be based on the CIA's anticipated "Selling Speed to Schoolkids to Fund A Right-Wing Overthrow of the Outdated Marxist Government in Some Silly Central-American Banana Republic" campaign.

You Won't Find This Tape At Blockbuster 12.11.96

The defense objected to a videotape shown to the jury in the O.J. Simpson trial. The tape, shot by the son of Simpson's personal secretary, shows a gap in the foliage above the fence, near where the bloody glove was found and contains realistic footage of a double murder.

You Just Can't Trust a Klansmen 12.11.96

In South Carolina, two ex-Klansmen have made a plea bargain to help police capture the arsonists who have been setting fire to black churches. The U.S. Attorney was quoted as saying, "I hope these men can use this plea as a milestone for the day they turned away from hate." More than likely, these men will use the plea as a way to avoid prosecution by ratting out their friends. As it stands, the two men could face 60 years in prison and a $1 million fine and, of course, eternal damnation where they will stand in a burning church while the devil shows them proof that their grandparents were black Jews.

Doctor, Doctor 12.11.96

Twenty-six AIDS activists were arrested for demonstrating against a Pennsylvania program that requires medical-assistance recipients to enroll in a state-run health care plan. Critics of the state-run plan say the program HealthChoices, lacks experienced doctors. But the state feels that Doctor Giggles, Dr. Welby, Dr. Scholl, Doc Hollywood, Doctor Zhivago, Dr J, Dr. Dre, Doctor Love, Dr. Doom, Dr. Doolittle, Dr. Who, Dr. No, Doc from the "Love Boat", and Doctor Demento come highly recommended.

Unless "Charity" Is Defined As "Keeping Paulie Shore Fed" 12.11.96

A new survey indicates that teen-agers are less inclined to give charity now than they were five years ago. Researchers suspect that the downward trend may be caused by the fact that both teen-agers who gave money to charity in 1991 have since turned 20.

Springtime For Hitler 12.11.96

A former prison guard being investigated for flying a Nazi flag, said in an interview, "I am not a racist. I like the color of the flag." He was also alleged to explain that the cross he had set on fire was nice to roast marshmallows on and that the noose suspended from a large oak in his backyard was simply a nice place to hang a plant.

Holy Filibuster 12.13.96

A new Batman comic book relating the horrors of hidden landmines on children has won the praise of Senator Patrick Leahy, who said, "I'm proud of the Caped Crusader joining this crusade." When he was informed that Batman isn't a real person, Leahy suddenly spun around, kicked three reporters, climbed down the side of the Capitol, and raced off in a converted 1968 black Cadillac with mounted machine guns. He is currently being monitored at Arkham Asylum, where he keeps mumbling “superstitions are a superstitious and cowardly lot.”

Round Up the Usual Suspects 12.13.96

French authorities have rounded up a dozen suspected Muslim militants in response to last week's Paris bombing, and have detained a dozen more people for questioning. According to a French spokesfrenchie, "Even if we don't get any suspects out of this, we always like the chance to harass Muslims."

Drs. Manhattan and Banner Could Not be Reached For Comment 12.14.96

Fallout from what was almost a nuclear disaster was avoided in Nebraska when the government effectively swept the incident under the rug. Energy Department officials conveniently didn’t advise the governor of that state that a tractor-trailer truck transporting nuclear warheads had skidded off of icy Highway 83. They also conveniently didn’t advise the governor that warheads were transported across his state. In fact, when pressed, the Department spokes-neutron said “Warheads? What warheads?”

In a related story, Hazel O’Leary, this country’s Secretary of Energy, apologized to the families of 12 victims who, without their consent, were injected with plutonium by representatives from their own country. The Department of Energy also thanked the 12 victims for their years of service in providing the nation’s electricity with wires attached to their radioactive skin.

Bring Them Together For Unity 12.15.96

America’s chief hillbilly Bill Clinton approved NATO’s proposal for a new, scaled-down peacekeeping force in troubled Bosnia. This proposal directly corresponds to Bosnia’s new, scaled-down definition of “peace.”

The Funny, Dirty Little War On Drugs 12.15.96

Peru and Colombia have announced a major anti-drug offensive and then realized they were Peru and Colombia and both countries had a big laugh over their obvious boner.

I Spy For The FBI 12.15.96

An FBI agent has claimed that the Oklahoma City bombing case has been “seriously compromised” because of irregularities in the crime lab and the fabrication of evidence. A spokes-fib replied by saying “Hey, we’re the FBI! If we can’t fabricate evidence, how do you expect us to build a case?”

In the Service of Their Country 12.16.96

The FBI retracted its appeals opposing the release of classified documents relating to the assassination of President Kennedy. The FBI originally feared the information could prejudice intelligence operations abroad, but they withdrew their appeal when they realized that releasing the truth could prevent people from ever having to sit through an Oliver Stone movie again, one of the Bureau's favorite forms of torture for political prisoners and history majors.

New Jak City 12.17.96

President Suharto plans to build Jonggol, a new city 25 miles from Jakarta, to redirect population growth. The new city will be planned for 2 million people and 800,000 jobs and as much crime, disease, corruption as Jakarta. Political assassinations in the streets will continue on schedule.

Hunziker-Schwimmer 12.17.96

Evan Hunziker, the young man jailed for three months by North Korea on accusations of espionage, has apparently committed suicide. US officials denied the espionage charges and claimed Hunziker was merely a confused young man who accidentally crossed the border. They also denied he committed suicide saying he was “merely a confused young man who accidentally placed a gun to his head to forget the pain of three months of torture.”

It’s A Living 12.17.96

Dick Morris has discussed a possible role in New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani’s re-election campaign, but has declined the job. His role was expected to be “the guy who has sex with hookers.”

Changeling Defense 12.17.96

A forensic expert testifying in the Simpson civil trial retracted his earlier testimony that two people may have murdered Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. Now he concedes that the facts only point to one killer: a man, probably a black man, roughly O.J.'s height and weight, who more than likely was a running back for the Bills. The defense immediately accused Thurmond Thomas.

Peru Goes Ape 12.18.96

The Japanese ambassador's office in Peru was invaded by guerrillas who have taken hostages. The guerrillas demanded a truckload of bananas, an old rubber tire, a set of luggage from a specific manufacturer, and the release of "their comrades jailed unjustly in zoos around the world." Actress Sigourney Weaver was brought in, but negotiations broke down when the guerrillas realized she wasn't Diane Fossey and then proceeded to throw their feces at her. The hostages were finally liberated by a team of gun-toting Americans, led by Charlton Heston.

A Different Kind of Job Than He's Used To 12.19.96

Dick Morris has discussed a possible role in New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani's re-election campaign, but has declined the job. His role was expected to be "the guy who has sex with hookers."

I Majored in Banana 12.20.96

Hindus in Trinidad Thursday said they strongly oppose a movement to make the study of calypso music a mandatory subject in Caribbean primary schools. Spokesperson Day O. Dayo said, "I don't want my kid coming home from school telling me Professor Belofante gave him a D+ because he didn't have rhythm."One parent has already lodged a complaint, saying that daylight had come and his child, "wanna go home" but was not allowed to.”

Have You Heard About Prancer? 12.25.97

After years of being shunned by the other reindeer, Rudolf is reporting that he has finally been accepted within the ranks of the North Pole's most elite flying reindeer squad. You may recall the most famous reindeer of all had been subjected to harassment that went well beyond the traditional hazing, mainly because he had a nose that glowed. It seems that his stunning performance in last December's dangerous attempt to fly around the world in one night in foggy weather has won Rudolph the praise of deer, elves, and fat men alike. Some have even suggested that Rudolph "saved Christmas", although that might be a stretch. Needless to say, Rudolph is now included in all their games, which mostly include grazing and mating.

Unfortunately, a new report coming out of reindeer camp indicates that ridicule may have shifted to Prancer. Apparently, they don't like how he "prances around", "jingling his bells." According to head deer Donner, "Being a fan of The Nutcracker Suite is understandable, but he goes to the ballet all year long!. We all fly around, sure, but only one of us flits." Santa rose to the occasion and has adopted a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy around reindeer camp, but the persecution continues.

I'm Melting! I'm Melting! 12.25.96

F.T. Snowman is in trouble with the law again. Apparently, despite warnings from a police officer, Snowman ran a traffic light. His license was suspended and the fellow was given a night in jail. Hours later, F.T. escaped from his cell, leaving behind a corn cob pipe, a button, two lumps of coal, an old straw hat and a puddle of water.

Eight Days a Year 12.25.96

Jews the world over have already celebrated their version of Christmas, or Chanukah in their funny little language, by eating a lot of fattening foods, giving gifts, lighting candles, and singing songs. It's weird how different they are.

The True Meaning of Christmas. Ha. Ha. 12.25.96

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them. Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign to unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

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5-CD Diaper Changer 12.01.96
Rowena Starling, a parent from Berkeley, California (which explains a whole lot), has recorded her top 24 nags onto a compact disc called I'll Say It Again and is selling each disc for $11.95. The disc includes such timeless classics as "Clean Your Room", "Stop That Noise!", and the perennial favorite "Leave Your Sister Alone". The demand for the CD has been overwhelming and plans are underway to release a series on substitute parenting. The first disc It Builds Character, which beats your kids for you, is slated for early next year.

Atoms Smash! 12.02.96

Thirty Frenchman, who were too busy working at a navy base assembling nuclear warheads to be rude to Americans, not bathe, and allow the Nazis to occupy, were unfortunately exposed to a “very slightly higher” levels of radiation than allowed by French “law”. When asked how he felt, civilian worker Dr. Davîd Bruçe Bannér, in a funny French accent, replied, “Don’t make me angry, Mr. McGee, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.” In a related story, when you’re exposed to radiation, your hair falls out, your internal organs develop cancerous growths, your future children genetically mutate, and you don’t turn green and become incredibly strong.

The Jean Genie 12.02.96

Competitors Calvin Klein, Guess, and Levi Strauss and Co. have put aside their denim differences to form an anti-counterfeiting investigation that has already closed down several factories in Guatemala. Strangely, Lee, Chic, Wranglers, and Sergio Valente have not joined forces to combat counterfeiting, purportedly because it can only help.

No Use Cryin' Over Spilled Milk 12.02.96 A U.S. oil tanker that sank in 1941 has been discovered off the coast of California, still full of oil and posing a serious environmental threat. Rumor has it they are developing a plan where 2 million gallons of balsamic vineger would be dumped into the water, and a massive seafood salad would be tossed for all Californians to enjoy.

Riders On The Storm 12.02.96 Richard Branson, founder of Virgin Music, is pleased to launch his new record company, V2. Branson recently sold Virgin to EMI for $935 million dollars. He told the press that the sale, which precluded him from starting another record company for 30 months, left him, "like a dog without a bone", since he had nothing to do but count his money. I got news for you, Richard, $935 million buys an awful lot of bones!

Just In Time For Christmas 12.03.96

Federal judge Marian Pfaelzer has ordered a new trial for formerly convicted swindler now only accused swindler Charles Keating because some jurors may have been tainted with prior knowledge of Keating’s misdealings. In addition to the new trial, Keating will be given a new savings and loans and a group of Alzheimer’s-stricken senior citizens from which to bilk hundreds of millions of dollars.

Hanoi Hilton 12.03.96 Vietnam's Ministry of Planning and Investment said it may revoke the license for a beach resort project because the US investor failed to make a $2 million deposit on time. The proposed resort near Danang's China Beach would have featured local delicacies like Napalm Pudding, Charlie Chow Mein, and Me So Corney Chowder. The usual resort activities like walking along the beach, picking up a conch shell, holding it to your ear and hearing the screams of the villagers being "ex-foliated" were also proposed. The plan may have been ix-nayed because tourists at a Vietnamese resort in the ‘70s experienced flashbacks when they returned from vacation and a small percentage were shunned by friends and relatives and became homeless.

Take Off! 12.04.96

Europe and the US have agreed to ix-nay tariffs on information technology trade. The pact was deemed a success by the Big Four trade powers -- the United States, Japan, the European Union and Canada. Wait a minute? Canada is a trade power? What do they export? Great, just what the world needs -- more beer, strip clubs, and Rush albums! Thanks for Glass Tiger and flannel shirts, here have all our priceless information technology. Fuck this story and fuck this job!

Oh, No! Not Swaddling Clothes Again! 12.04.96 Our Lord and Savior, The Lion of Judah, The King of Kings, The Prince of Peace, Jesus of Nazareth, will be celebrating his 2,000th birthday and it is expected that millions will be visiting the Holy Land to celebrate. What do you get a man who died for your sins? A tie and a card doesn't seem like enough, especially since his birthday falls on Christmas. In anticipation, SC Headlines and News has come up with some gift ideas for the Messiah: water-skis, balsa wood, vintage bottles of water, Birkenstock's, or a crazy gag gift from Spencer's. Just don't get him that gold, frankincense or myrrh giftpak from Hickory Farms. The same three guys keep buying him that every year, and, quite frankly, the Lord is getting a little sick of it.
Richard Jewell Will Not Be Invited 12.04.96 CBS and Turner are teaming up for coverage of the Winter Olympics. Their plan is to mainly feature the sports Americans find interesting. At present, the show will be thirty minutes long.
The Bride Wore Off-White...For A Reason 12.05.96

Richard Branson, really rich guy and Chief Big Cheese of Virgin Group, celebrated the launch of his new London store for betrothed couples, Virgin Bride. Virgin Bride is not expected to do very well, however, as it will be really hard to find virgin brides.

Breastaraunts, or Give A Hoot 12.05.96

Hooters of America, Inc., the national chain of buffalo wings and womens’ breasts restaurants, is opening its 393rd franchise in Troy, Michigan, proving once again, that you’ve come a long way, baby!

Who Is That Big Blonde? 12.10.96

San Francisco mayor and embarrassment to humanity, Willie Brown, announced that Tuesday, December 10 will be "Silicon Reef Day" in honor of the famous web development company. In a related story, December 11 will be "Silicone Breasts Day" in Los Angeles in honor of Angelyne billboards.

The Unfairer Sex 12.11.96

A research and advisory organization came out with a new study that shows women held 10.2 % of board of Fortune 500 companies in 1996 and that 83 % of the 500 companies have one or more women directors. Some of the high powered positions currently being held include, Director of Not Getting Equal Pay, Director of Picking Up All the Dropped Pencils, Director of Making the Coffee, Director of Being Ignored, the Director of Condescending White Guys and of course Director of Sexual Comments Made Behind Your Back.

It’s All In The Wrist 12.10.96

Digital Equipment Corp. keyboards are apparently not good for the digits. A secretary was awarded $5.3 million dollars for suffering from carpel-tunnel syndrome associated with using the company’s product. In a seemingly related story, midway through the the trial, the court reporter complained of wrist and hand pain and subsequently sued the court for $5.3 million dollars.

Put That In Your Pipes And Drink It 12.10.96

California’s anti-toxic law applies to lead-leaking faucets according to that freakout state’s Supreme Court, who feels that under Proposition 65 businesses can’t knowingly discharge carcinogenic or birth-defect-causing chemicals into a “source of drinking water”. The lawyer for the faucets felt that “sources of drinking water” were lakes, rivers, streams, and aqueducts, not faucets. The court disagreed and, strangely, environmental rapists everywhere applauded this ruling, under the mistaken impression that as long as plumbing isn’t involved, the waterways were now open for dumping.

Pixilated Poop 12.10.96

The soulless makers of the graphically-violent videogame Harvester are all upsetified that their game was left off the National Institute of Media and Family’s “10 Least Wanted Computer Games” list and Senators Joseph Lieberman and Herb Kohl’s “Dirty Dozen” list. They were so outraged that their crappy game was overlooked that they released a press release to that effect, hoping that this would help them sell more dreck from their “product” line. Sadly, it will.

Earth First! 12.10.96

Go figure, environmentalists are running their traps again. The Sierra Club, the World Wildlife Fund and the National Wildlife Federation are dissing the World Trade Organization’s lack of organization in matters of world trade relating to eco-apocalypse. The WTO replied by saying, “They’re tree-hugging hippies and we’re respected businessmen wearing nice Italian suits. Who’re you gonna trust?” The WTO then passed out $20 bills to everybody.

The Peoples’ Car 12.10.96

Volkswagen apologized to General Motors, attempting to make amends for industrial espionage. General Motors sent a memo about industrial music to Ford who conferenced in Volvo. All four companies distributed industrial strength photocopies of Jeep’s ass, who responded by mussing Toyota’s hair. Toyota complained to Daihatsu, Hyundai, Nissan, and Industrial, Light, and Magic, who responded by...hey, wait a minute, cars can’t talk.

When Pushers Come To Shove 12.10.96

Things are all crazy-like again in the Far East and the Pacific Rim as narcotics trafficking, dope smuggling, and drug running have become the trades of choice with money-hungry little yellowmen. In Cambodia, the national assembly has passed an anti-drug law that has bunched the panties of human rights advocates everywhere, leading to global speculation that members of the ACLU and Amnesty International like to ride the white horse. In Jakarta, Indonesia, a city known for its lack of corruption and vice, customs officials have uncovered an Ecstacy smuggling ring that uses the postal service as its window of distribution. Postal workers all over the archipelago have expressed their undying love for everything, including, oddly enough dogs and fellow workers. And in Vietnam, a senior drug squad policeman has been arrested for heroin trafficking.

Give Me Back Dim Sum! 12.10.96

A 12-year-old Connecticut boy was abducted at gunpoint and five days later turned up in New York. His father, a Chinese restaurateur, may have struck a secret deal with the kidnappers and paid an $88,000 ransom (or the #54) even as the child was found by authorities. The FBI and the police have denied the scenario, insisting that even if the Chinese man paid the ransom, he’d only have to pay it again an hour later.

Tattoo You 12.10.96

Tattooing, the ancient art of turning people into Swastika, The Animated Series, has been outlawed in New York City since 1961, which, like all illegal activities in New York City, has led to the proliferation of tattoo parlors in all corners of the Big Apple (See: PROSTITUTION, RACKETEERING, STATE EMPLOYEES). However, the city is now proposing to lift the ban, ostensibly because they’ve discovered a way to tax your skin.

Days of Thunder 12.17.96

Corporate sponsors are queuing up for the 1997 NASCAR season, armed with new marketing data that indicates that racing fans are not the redneck stereotype, but are educated, affluent and 40 percent women who all live in an Indiana trailer park housing smart, rich women.

Double Bypass With Cheese 12.17.96

Dave Thomas, longtime spokesperson and founder of Wendy's food chain, has been admitted into an undisclosed hospital after complaining of chest pains. He will have coronary bypass surgery next week. I guess we've found the beef.

The Coin Market is Rebounding 12.18.96

Rebounding sensei Dennis Rodman paid $827,000 for a gold coin originally designed for Teddy Roosevelt, making the "Saint-Gaudens" coin the most expensive nipple ring in history.

Texaco's Kampf 12.19.96

A new plan has been unveiled by Texaco to improve minority employment. Rumors that the diversity plan is to be named the "Final Solution" remains unfounded.

British Za 12.19.96

Pizza Hut has announced that it will be opening 150 outlets in Britain over the next four years. New items to the menu include boiled pizza with blood sausage, kidney deep dish pizza pie, liver and raisin pizza with a bread pudding crust, sweet pizza with calf brains, and plain old cheese (although it will be spelled c-h-e-e-e-s-e ). The pizzas look to be so appetizing, American Pizza Huts are thanking God we split from King George along time ago and that we no longer depend on Britain for anything!


God Bless Us, One And All 12.02.96 The man who sang "Tip-Toe Thru The Tulips" is pushing up the daisies. Tiny Tim, best known for his ukulele-strumming and his high falsetto voice, went into cardiac arrest on Saturday and died shortly thereafter. Fans everywhere mourned his loss and all three of them plan to hold a memorial in his honor. He will be sorely missed.
In the Realm of the Senseless 12.02.96

European Court of Human Rights, the most oxymoronic name for a world body next to “United Nations”, supports a British ban on filmmaker Nigel Wingrove’s “Visions of Ecstacy”, a short film about St. Theresa of Avila and her dirty little thoughts, rejecting the director’s plea that his freedom of expression was violated. The judges felt censorship was honky-dory under “blasphemy laws” not realizing that “freedom of expression” is a colloquial turn-of-phrase meaning freedom of expression, goddamnit.

Don't Cry For Me When I Flee To Argentina 12.02.96 A play in Berlin about the life of Eva Braun has come under criticism. Theatergoers booed the play and stated that they were not interested in any show about the sex kitten of a dictator. After the show, patrons were surprised to find out they weren't seeing Evita.
What’s Eating Hunter S.? 12.02.96

Former teen heartthrob now spooky weirdo creeep and teen heartthrob Johnny Depp has agreed to appear as gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson in the fim adaptation of Thompson’s “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, which promises to be just as successful as “Where The Buffalo Roam”, the film adaptation of Thompson’s life.

Till Death Do Us Part, or Whatever! 12.03.96 Weeks after filing for divorce, Pamela Anderson Lee has decided not to break up her marriage to rocker Tommy Lee. In what's shaping up to be a month for reconciliation Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall have announced that they, too, have reunited. Following the trend, Liz Taylor has decided to get back with Nicky Hilton, Mike Todd, Eddie Fisher, Richard Burton, Richard Burton and Larry Fortensky.

My Name Is Jason 12.03.96 Jason Gould, the son of Barbra Streisand, has completed his first movie, and fans are already complaining because the film has not been nominated for Best Picture, he hasn't been nominated for Best Director, Best Actor and the singer of the Best Song. The fact that the movie is a 15-minute short and therefore not eligible has caused several woman's organizations to protest against unfair treatment of the sons of famous actress/director mothers who are neglected by Hollywood.
Whoopi For Welfare! 12.04.96 In a Playboy interview, actress/comedienne (snicker) Whoopi Goldberg spoke candidly about her years on the welfare. "[Government assistance] gave me some breathing space it is not as degrading as going out and prostituting yourself," said the women who made Jumping Jack Flash, Fatal Beauty, Burgler, and Eddie.

Hearts And Minds And Cable 12.04.96 Public access to television programs beamed into Vietnam have been banned by the communist country and a limited redistribution service has been established. Vietnam Television (VTV) will only air episodes of China Beach, Tour of Duty and MASH and a movie channel that will show Platoon, Hamburger Hill, Apocalypse Now and John Wayne's Green Berets 24 hours a day.
Pleased To Meet You 12.04.96 A London newspaper has reported that Jerry Hall and Mick Jagger have reconciled and are back together. In a related story, former supermodel Jerry Hall has suddenly split with rocker hubby Mick Jagger. The two are hoping to reconcile very soon.

867-5309 12.04.96

MTV’s Jenny McCarthy, effervescent big-breasted host of “Singled Out”, will star in her own sketch comedy variety show next year. Comedy writers everywhere have given it up, figuring that the definition of “comedy” has changed so much they are no longer sure if the language they are speaking is English.

Listen Up, Pilgrim! 12.09.96

Racial tensions have increased in the Los Angeles Fire Department as an African American battalion chief tore down a poster of John Wayne, on the grounds that the actor is renowned for his racist views. Further examination has revealed that several of the Duke's films were actually shot under alternate titles, including Fort Apache (formerly titled, I Hate Those Indians!), The Green Berets (or I Hate Those Damn Gooks!), The Searchers (I Really Hate Those Indians!) The Alamo, (Let's Kill Us Some Mexicans!) and The Conqueror (Chinese Are Only Good For Laundry!)

Butch Cassidy's Favorite Network 12.10.96

The Sundance Channel will form an alliance with Starbucks Coffee Company and U.S. Satellite Broadcasting to launch a national marketing campaign, much to the delight of fans of Jamaican Mocha Guava Cream coffee and staying up all night watching nothing but poorly-lit movies where people talk too much and take drugs.

Eat Your Heart Out, Chuck Berry! 12.10.96

A high school teacher pleaded no contest to charges that he secretly videotaped girls while they were using a school restroom. Fortunately for the girls, none of them was using the bathroom for its intended use, so the tape is just shot after shot of girls putting on make-up, writing on the wall, and smoking. The film is currently being screened at several festivals and several distributors have expressed an interest.

Blood, Mother, Blood 12.10.96

MCA, Inc. has changed its name to Universal Studios, Inc., confusing tourists from around the globe who are now showing up at MCA offices for Jurassic Park, The Ride. MCA executives are being accomodating by offering to push tourists around the offices in chairs.

In The Eszterhas 12.10.96

Hack and highest-paid screenwriter Joe Eszterhas has hopped on the let’s-hate-Joe-Eszterhas bandwagon, claiming that even he disliked the film Showgirls which he wrote. A line in his new flick, An Alan Smithee Film describes a bad film as “worse than Showgirls.” It didn’t describe it as being worse than Jade, Sliver, and F.I.S.T., all of which Eszterhas also penned, and all of which are equally bad. It also didn’t describe the bad movie as being inherently misogynist.

Schnicked! Bampff! 12.10.96

Director Bryan Singer of “The Usual Suspects” has signed on to direct a feature based on the Marvel Comics’ series The X-Men. Hollywood insiders are not surprised by the attachment of Singer to the project since The X-Men are a group of superhuman mutant freaks brought together by creepy psionic genius Professor X and The Usual Suspects are a group of super-talented actor freaks brought together by creepy filmmaker Singer, who also has incredible psionic ability. Nerds everywhere were both delighted and reviled that Steve Buscemi will portray beserker Wolverine and Parker Posey will appear as Storm.

Sheathe Thy Dagger! 12.11.96

According to 73-year-old fencing instructor Bob Anderson, Antonio Banderas is "the best swordsman I have ever worked with." Anderson has trained Errol Flynn, Sean Connery, Tony Curtis, and Peter O'Toole. This has led the incredibly stupid to speculate that Banderas is a homosexual drunken cross-dressing Scotsman
whose good in pirate movies.

Triumph of Spike's Will 12.11.96

Norman Jewison, the Canadian director of racially-themed films "In The Heat of The Night" and "The Soldier's Story", is making another movie dealing with race. Spike Lee is expected to say something incredibly stupid, racist, and divisive about it, the studios are expected to listen to Lee, and Jewison is likely to be forced to make "Rollerball 2000" instead. Uplift the race, Spike!

Too Old to Rock-N-Roll, But Not Too Young to Die 12.18.96

The late country singer Faron Young, who recently committed suicide, left $200,000 to each of his children expect for one son, who only received $1. Young was best known for his song, "I'm Gonna Leave My Son A Dollar When I Die." Young's son said, for some reason he wasn't surprised by the decision and then went to the 99-cent store to spend his inheritance.

Tea For One! 12.15.96

Irving Ceasar, the author of the classic song “Tea For Two” is not enjoying tea at all anymore, no matter how many folks are involved, because he is dead at 101. Caesar was also known for penning “Swanee”, “Crazy Rhythm”, and the David Lee Roth hit “Just A Gigolo”. Roth, who recorded a new track for Caesar’s recent greatest hits album, thought he and the old man were getting back together, but Caesar’s death ended any possibility of a reunion, although Roth is denying this. Roth is also rumored to be trying to get back into the Beach Boys.

Mia My-Oh! 12.18.96

Funster Woody Allen will screen his latest exercise in self-indulgence “Everyone Says I Love You” in Venice to raise money for the city’s recently-torched 18th Century Fenice opera house. This has led to speculation that the kvetching filmmaker will now make the leap from half-assed musical to full-blown opera with his adaptation of Nabakov’s “Lolita”. Allen would be terrific as Humbert Humbert, but insiders are undecided on the choice of a Eurasian in the title role.

They've Got Both Kinds of Music: Simplistic and Depressing 12.18.96

Country star Tammy Wynette is suing The National Enquirer for telling readers that she would die without a liver transplant. She objects to the Enquirer portraying country singers as hard-drinking alcoholics, because that's the job of songwriters. Wynette's ex-husband George Jones was not standing by.

Purple Haze 12.19.96

The Artist formerly known as Prince and currently known as The Artist was asked this morning on The Today Show why he doesn't have an audible version of the weird symbol he uses to represent his name. He told Bryant Gumbel that he will reveal to the public the sound as soon as it comes to him. Although insiders speculate the sound might be a cash register ringing.

Christmas Through the Ages: 1975, the Year Frank, Jr. Saved Christmas 12.25.96

Christmas was almost derailed this year when Frank Sinatra, performing a special Christmas special, launched into The Christmas Song. To the bewilderment of his fans and fans of music in general, the song was unrecognizable. Little did anyone know that Ol' Blue Eyes was not singing the Christmas classic written by Mel Torme, but was, in fact, crooning the song of the same name written by rockers Jethro Tull. Frank Jr., realizing his father's mistake, rushed the stage and began playing the flute in accompaniment. While he saved Christmas, Frank Jr. unwittingly destroyed music forever.

I'll Be Old for Christmas 12.25.96

The Christmas special all of America has been waiting for has been canceled. All I Want For Christmas Is To Find My Teeth featuring Bob Hope, Milton Berle, and Henny Youngman, was, unfortunately, postponed when all three performers kept falling asleep during taping. Executives are hoping they will wake up by mid-June to start shooting their July 4th special Happy Birthday, America, At Least Someone Is Older Than We Are...

Now That's Ironic 12.26.96

Angry lady rocker and former teen singing sensation Alanis Morrisette is still on top of the charts. After selling 4 million copies of Jagged Little Pill last year, and 10 million this year. She has definitely made an impact on the music world. Her success has spurred other rock "idol-ettes" to follow her lead in an effort to revive their careers. Debbie Gibson is planning a new album entitled, Being Cute Really Does Suck, Tiffany has a grunge/punk album in the works entitled, The Pottery Barn is on Level Two, Now Shut Up And Let Me Sing!, Debbie Boone is cutting an edgy follow-up single to her earlier hit entitled, You Light Up My Bong and Cyndi Lauper is just hoping she can do another episode of Mad About You.



Box Out 12.03.96 According to a recent survey, last year, more girls than ever got involved with basketball as a result of the new professional women's league and American success at the Olympics. Unfortunately, attendance remains down at the games, which prompted one disgusted NBA spectator to remark, "Well whaddaya expect...They all throw like girls!"


The Whining Irish 12.03.96

This just in: Notre Dame will be participating in the Sour Grapes Bowl. The 8-3 Irish will not be in an alliance bowl game, primarily because the teams that will be have better records and are better teams. But the Irish have declined being in a second-teir game as well. Apparently, the seniors who’ve put in four hard years don’t deserve a bowl bid and certainly Lou Holtz, who’s taken ND to nine consecutive bowl games, doesn’t deserve to play his last game with any kind of dignity. Notre Dame does plan to attend an alliance game next year, however, and hopes that maintaining a 6-4-1 record will put them up against the number four-ranked team.

Fourth And Goal 12.03.96

College football’s winningest coach, Eddie Robinson of Grambling University, may be forced to resign by the school he head-coached for 55 years. The 77-year-old coach is reticent to leave the school after a losing season and wants to retire on a high note. And, really, there’s not much work out there for a guy in his late 70’s, although if he ran for office, he’d be the youngest senator from the South. Grambling U. did not comment, although it is assumed back-to-back losing seasons, Robinson’s fourth in 10 seasons, factored in the decision. Of course, Robinson had only two losing seasons in the 45 years prior to that and won 405 games total, but, later for you old man, maybe you can find work at the stud farm. In a related story, the man who achieved world peace has been “let go”.

Dead Man Coaching 12.04.96

The governor of Louisiana has stepped in to stay the execution of the winningest college coach in history, Grambling State’s Eddie Robinson, who was asked to resign after 55 seasons. The governor issued a pardon in the eleventh hour, until he realized that Eddie Robinson was not a mass murderer. The governor rescinded his pardon and, instead of being fired, Robinson was given a lethal injection.

Tutsi Roll Pop 12.04.96

Rwandan Olympic middle-distance runner, Gariel Mazimpaka, will receive eardrum surgery at a Raleigh, North Carolina hospital today. He received damage to his ear during a protest in his homeland when members of a rival ethnic group attacked him. Apparently, Gariel wasn't fast enough, which also may explain why he didn't take the gold.

Dr. Norman 12.06.96

Greg Norman, in philosophizing on his $1.3 million in prize money and his many endorsements, said, "I feel confident in my beliefs and my approach to whatever I do that I can do it. If I wanted to be a brain surgeon, I could." I don't know if I'd want my brain surgeon to be under par, but that's me.

New Superstars 12.06.96

After clinging to a 88-86 lead for three quarters over the LA Clippers, Chicago Bulls coach, Phil Jackson, decided to bench Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen for the entire fourth period. Tomorrow, Jason Caffey will come off the bench and score 23 points, and, along with two hot-dog vendors who combined for 14, Gene Siskel's 12 boards, the assist from the Lova-Bulls, Benny's three-pointer, and not counting the little kid who won the M&M tricycle race, the Bulls will win the game.

More Money, Less Heart 12.09.96

After two consecutive losses, Michael Jordan has questioned Dennis Rodman's motivation. While Michael Jordan has endorsement deals, book deals, meal deals, and his own perfume line, he still manages to play his butt off every time he hits the floor. Rodman, on the other hand, signed a new $10 million contract this year and decided apparently that he doesn't have to earn it. His lackluster performance in the games of the last couple of weeks has prompted many Bulls fans to call for Rodman the Clown's trade to the Harlem Globetrotters, where he'll fit right in wearing a dress and throwing buckets of confetti on fans. In a related story, Rodman's MTV show debuted Sunday, the same day that Rodman was out-rebounded 18-11 by the Raptor's Popeye Jones.

Pitino With Pasta-iche 12.09.96

Kentucky basketball coach Rick Pitino will be a partner in a pasta-making venture. Pitino will offer pasta in 10 sizes and shapes, the 6'7" basketball player-shaped by far the most popular. Other college coaches are expected to take a page from Pitino. Jim Herrick can find work at car dealerships, while Purdue's Gene Keady can endorse spray-on hair. When not working at a local child abuse prevention center, Bobby Knight could be successful selling chairs and then throwing them. Pete Carrill will be endorsing miracles.

Take Me Back To the Ball Game 12.10.96

Seventeen major league baseball teams are hiking their ticket prices, which is causing baseball fans to look for other sports to enjoy. Unfortunately, the only other sport they could find was soccer, which is causing baseball fans to suck it up and pay the ticket prices.

No Reason For the Season 12.10.96

After 102 years of intelligence, the Big 10 conference decided to completely invalidate the regular season in favor of the money-grubbing conference tournament beginning with the 97-98 season. The upside is that this may force Bobby Knight, who opposes tourneys, to retire. The downside, I actually agree with Bobby Knight about something.
I'll Trade You Two Ted Williams For Two Ted Williams 12.11.96

The Houston Astros and the Detroit Tigers have completed a nine-player trade. Under the deal, all of the Astros will be traded for all of the Tigers, after which the Tigers will be re-named the "Astros," the Astros will be re-named the "Tigers," and both teams will swap home cities, leaving everybody exactly back where they started.

What Have You Done For Me Lately? 12.11.96

Twelve-year NBA veteran, 10 time All-star and overall great center Patrick Ewing was booed by his home fans at the Madison Square Garden in New York. Apparently, the larvae in the mealy Big Apple don't realize that if it wasn't for Ewing they would never be in contention for anything but "Most Convictions On A Team". They certainly wouldn't make it to the last round of the playoffs and would have absolutely nothing likeable about their thuggish team of trash-talking, elbow-throwing, never-winning-a-Championship weakers. But what do you expect from people who live in the smell of urine?

Talk About Your Over-Achievers! 12.13.96

The Baltimore Orioles signed free agent shortstop Mike Bordick to a three-year contract, and plan to move veteran Cal Ripkin to third base. Ripkin plans on playing the most consecutive games as a third baseman, at which time he will become a first baseman and make the most consecutive outs per game at that position, wrapping up his professional career by making the most consecutive tags as a catcher, at which point he will retire and become a hot dog vendor who sells the most consecutive dogs in the history of baseball.

Always a Bridesmaid 12.16.96

It came as no surprise when Florida's Danny Wuerffel won the Heisman trophy on Saturday night in New York. Wuerffel was honored with the award and thanked runner-up Susan Lucci, who came in second place for the 11th year in a row.

"Baby Throwing Food" vs. "Baseball In the Crotch" Was the Undercard 12.16.96

Only five months after his disqualification for a low blow in their first match-up, Andrew Golota, although clearly winning his heavyweight bout with Riddick Bowe, succumbed to the overwhelming stupidity for which he is famous and threw several low blows and a headbutt. Because of the disqualification, Golota will not receive the million-dollar purse; however, the tape did win him the $10,000 purse from America's Funniest Home Video.


What’s The Hurry? 12.24.96

Detroit Lion Barry Sanders rushed for a record 175 yards on Monday night’s loss to San Francisco, securing Sanders’ record of rushing for 1,500 yards in three consecutive seasons. Sanders will now be able to hug his trophy as he watches the Superbowl from home.

Christmas Around the Globe: The North Pole.

Christmas Eve Eve, The XXI Reindeer Games will be held once again at Kringle Memorial Stadium. Starting reindeer Rudolph is likely to be excluded from this year's event for "rules violations". Coach H. Miser denies that Rudolph has been juicing, saying his shiny, red nose is all genetics, baby. Burgermeister Meisterburger will officiate.

Don't Eat the Yellow Flag 12.26.96

Bobby Unser and a friend were stranded for 36 hours in the Colorado Mountains after their snowmobiles broke down. Supposedly, thirty of those hours were spent waiting for the pit crew to come out and repair the vehicles.


I Love You, You Love Me 12.03.96
Scientists in Israel have propounded a new theory that cosmic radiation was the cause of dinosaur extinction. This startling revelation contradicts the commonly held belief that radiation brings dinosaurs back to life. (See: TOKYO, GODZILLA). Meanwhile, American scientists are looking for the source of the Israeli cosmic radiation for experiments in melding paleo-fossils and annoying childrens' folk singer. (See: BARNEY, RAFFI)
Under The Rug 12.03.96 Researchers have found a diagnostic technique that could prevent unnecessary appendectomies. The cost of the procedure would run about $230 compared to the $4,700 average cost for appendectomies. In response, the American Medical Association quickly release a study debunking this procedure and doubling the price of appendectomies.
Steamboat Mike 12.03.96

The Hubble space telescope, a giant floating mass of bobby pins, duct tape and a lot of smoke and mirrors, has “proven” that quasars exist in both spiral and elliptical galaxies, according to the principal investigator for the European Space Agency, Mike Disney™, Mike, or Euro-Disney™ as he’s known by his fellow researchers Drs. D. Duck and Larry Goofy™ was a commercial flop at first but now one of the most visited scientests in Paris. Mike also discovered seven dwarf™ stars, the ninth planet in our solar system, and™ the very disappointing Black Hole™.

The Dream Really Works, SKG 12.03.96
A consortium of scientists and fossil-hunters are trying to create a real-life "Jurassic Park" by using mummified dinosaur eggs found in the Henen Province in China. The intrepid researchers, of course, will not make the same mistakes as the researchers did in the movie. There will be no pointless child actors, unbelievable plots, or annoying fat guys, although one of the scientists did win the Oscar for Best Sound Editing a few years back.
Zanaflexing 12.05.96

The FDA has approved use of the new drug Zanaflex to ease muscle stiffness in patients suffering from spasticity in MS and cerebral palsy. The drug relaxes muscles, but may also cause sedation, making it the most useless pain reliever ever.

Grin and Bear It 12.05.96

Good news if you’ve ever been mauled by a bear: there may be hope. A 16-year-old girl on a 4-H trip in the mountains near Tucson was attacked by Not-So-Gentle Ben and the sciatic nerve in her right leg was severed, rendering her leg virtually useless and prone to infection and ulcers. The girl is undergoing a new procedure wherein donor nerves are grafted onto the damaged ones, helping them to regenerate. In reference to the procedure, a hospital spokesman said that doctors will “be sewing these things that look like cooked spaghetti.” This has led forest rangers and game and wildlife wardens to speculate that the bear was Italian. If the procedure fails, well...the leg was virtually useless, anyway...

Summer of 42 Proof 12.05.96

Researchers have discovered that drinking alcohol can triple the level of estrogen in postmenopausal women. This study has encouraged hundreds of thousands of teenage boys to continue trying to get their mothers’ friends drunk.

Fossilized 12.09.96

Archaeologist Mary Leaky died this week at the age of 83, although carbon dating has revealed that she may be older than suspected. According to her wishes, she will be buried beneath tons of rock, along with some stone tools and pottery. Respected colleague Dr. I. Jones is shocked at the burial decision, saying, "she belongs in a museum."

Stars And Stripes Forever 12.09.96

Scientists have discovered that some globular clusters appear to be younger than they actually are. It seems that the clusters are disguising themselves by wearing gray wigs and support hose so they can get into movies at the senior citizens' price. The celestial world has been rocked by this scandal which comes on the heels of last year's discovery that several Supernovae were cross-dressing to avoid the cover charge on ladies' night at Gecko's in Huntington Beach.

Another Think Coming 12.10.96

61-year-old astronaut Story Musgrave has announced that he won't be going into space any more, but is hoping that NASA will find some role for him, perhaps as an "alternative thinker." Examples of "alternative thinking" include believing that the moon landing was fixed, proposing that NASA save money by eliminating engines and just having astronauts pedal really fast, and hoping to make a living as an "alternative thinker."

It's Way Too Spotted Owl Crowded In Here 12.10.96

Go figure, environmentalists are running their traps again. The Sierra Club, the World Wildlife Fund, and the National Wildlife Federation are dissing the World Trade Organization's lack of organization in matters of world trade relating to eco-apocalypse. The WTO replied by saying, "They're tree-hugging hippies and we're respected businessmen wearing nice Italian suits. Who're you gonna trust?" The WTO then passed out $20 bills to everybody.

Invisible 12.10.96

A business man from Hyderabad, India was sentenced to 15 months in a U.S. prison on charges that he attempted to obtain details about a special paint used in making the stealth bomber invisible to radar. Authorities got suspicious after Aluru Prasad had come in a hardware store and asked for 4000 gallons of invisible paint. He tried to explain this away by saying:

a.) he was painting the Emperor's new house,
b.) he was doing research on a biography of Ralph Ellison, or
c.) he was going as actor Claude Rains for Halloween,

whereupon he was arrested.

On The Fly 12.13.96

Scientists have discovered that the sex life of the male fruit fly is governed by a single gene. "The single gene affects his choice of a partner and his mating technique," said researcher S. Brundle. Each fly is different in his technique. Some like to hang out at a dung bar (located on the famous No Pest Strip) and pick up strange flys with lines like, "You've got beautiful eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes." Others place personal ads in the fly paper, while most just get swatted and die.

Breathing Easier 12.18.96

The Environmental Protection Agency has made the bold claim that the air in the U.S. is about 30 percent cleaner than it was in 1970. This may be due to all that dirty air leaking out of the giant hole in the ozone layer, but I'm no scientist.

Six Degrees of Astronomy 12.18.96

Astronomers have discovered that around 3 billion years after the Big Bang, stars began to form that are directly related to the Big Bang. The Big Bang is a theory that is widely touted by Carl Sagan who hosted the PBS series Cosmos. Cosmo was a character in the movie Topper, starring Cary Grant. Cary Grant was in The Philadelphia Story with Katherine Hepburn. Katherine Hepburn was in Love Affair with Annette Bening. Annette Bening was in The American President with Michael Douglas. Michael Douglas was in Wall Street with Daryl Hannah. Daryl Hannah was in Splash with Tom Hanks, and Tom Hanks was in Apollo 13 with Kevin Bacon, which was a movie about space. The universe doesn't seem quite so large anymore, now does it.

Dead Man and Little Boy 12.19.96

Yuli Khariton, the father of the Soviet atom bomb, has died at the age of 92. In keeping with the Mutual Assured Destruction agreement held over from the Cold War, the United States ordered the death of the father of the American atom bomb just to insure the balance of power.

Let it Snow 12.25.96

According to a recent meteorological report, the weather outside is frightful.

Bing and Elvis Send Their Best 12.25.96

Irving, Texas and Berlin, Germany are expected to have a white Christmas. While they're enjoying their Christmases of white, residents of Memphis will have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas.

Sleigh Ride Report 12.25.96

It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you.




WORMING FOR GOLD



Last week, the defending NBA world champion Chicago Bulls lost two in a row, including their first loss at home in two years. A lot of things went wrong, not the least of which was the lackluster performance of rebounding king Dennis Rodman, who was outplayed by Vin Baker, Loy Vaught and PJ Brown. Now, I’m not saying the losses were exclusively Rodman’s fault, but, let’s face it, the Worm’s paid an obscene amount of money to get rebounds. That’s all. He doesn’t get paid all that loot to wear John 3:16’s hair or to lead the league in genital piercings. Rebounds. That’s all.

And, up till now, he’s made a career out of it. In fact, you could say he is the best rebounder in the league and one of the best in the history of the game. So why all of a sudden is he dragging himself around the court like he’s doing us all a favor by showing up?

The Bulls are 18-3 and on pace to win 70+ games and claim another title, which would be their 5th in seven years. The Worm is 36 and isn’t going to be in the league much longer, so you’d think he would cherish his last few seasons, especially since the Bulls one of the greatest teams in the history of sports. The Bulls are on par with the ‘27 Yankees. Maybe they don’t have a fat drunk that has sex with four women at once while hitting 60 home runs, but they’re up there.

The fans in Chicago took to Rodman like flies to Grant Park after Jazz Fest. Chicago loves freaks because it’s a city of freaks. Mayor Daley, Harry Carey, David Mamet, the band “Styx”, John Wayne Gacy. ‘Nuff said. More importantly, the Windy City respects anyone who works hard. It ain’t called “The City That Works” for nothing. Well maybe because it survives solely on kickbacks and corruption, but Chi-town does loves a hard-working man. If he keeps running up and down like Dave Corzine, the Bulls’ faithful will boo him off the court. They’ll send him back to the tattoo parlor with his book deals between his legs.

The obscenity riddled on-air tirade last Sunday after the loss in Toronto was senseless and foolish. Sure, basketball is an emotional game and the refs can be boneheads, but c’mon already, Dennis, as bad as you wanna be just got worse. To his credit, Rodman took his two-game suspension like a man and apologized. Hopefully, the suspension will make the Worm realize that if not for his Spartan work ethic, all the MTVs, Carl’s Jr., Playboy spreads, book deals, movie deals, TV deals, comic book deals would not even exist. Take a page out of his Airness’ playbook and realize that in order to play in Hollywood you must play 2 1/2 hours on the hardwood every night. If you didn’t outrebound guys 3-5 inches taller than you every season, you’d just be some tattooed idiot taking his clown show on the road for the CBA. Hey, Sioux Falls could use a circus to boost ticket sales. Or maybe Rockford needs a 36-year-old forward that’s lost his zest for the game.

Take the time off to figure out something Mr. Worm. You are living a privileged life. You were given a gift. A gift that doesn’t last forever. Just ask any number of NBA vets who played their whole careers and never got a ring. Rodman, you’ve got three and a possible four. Carpe Diem. Seize the Game!

Oh, and shows on MTV don’t last forever either. Just ask Jon Stewart.