Pre-Launch Summer 1996

Hereditary Prozac 05.02.96
UC Irvine researchers claim they have isolated the first abnormal gene associated with attentive deficit hyperactivity disorder, the syndrome that causes as many as 5% of children to be restless, inattentive and even disruptive in the classroom. Researchers admit that the hyperactivity gene has been manufactured as a convenient excuse for parents who'd rather not admit that they are incompetent proginitors of sugar-addicted freaks.

Previously, parents only had the option of choosing the trendy ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The new gene has also been linked to other problematic youthful activities such as teething, awareness of self, Oedipal and Electra complexes, puberty, rebellious behavior towards authority, masturbation, loss of virginity, enjoyment of rock-n-roll, skipping school, smoking cigarettes, sneaking beers, drag racing, teen pregnancy, gang-related violence, the Menendez brothers, and the Crimean War.

Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh...05.03.96

Employing artificial intelligence engines specifically created to accurately date fossilized remains, researchers in China and the University of Southern California recently recalculated the famed Peking Man's age to be 100,000 years older than previously believed.

Through a similar process, the scientific team also discovered that the Peking Duck at a local Chinese eatery was much older than previously thought.

The Chinese restaurateurs denied the allegations, claiming "Our duck is veddy flesh!"

Fox Freebies 05.03.97
As part of his firm commitment to social awareness and public decency, NewsCorp. mogul Rupert Murdoch has offered free election eve air time on his Fox network to all presidential hopefuls.

The concerned Australian commented on America's "appalling lack of social concern" and that it is his duty as a conniving opportunist to "ensure that democracy is carried out in the land of the free."

More Beans for Gas 05.04.96
The Justice Department launched an anti-trust investigation on Tuesday to determine whether illegal collusion might be responsible for the recent surge in gasoline prices.

Angered, the beleaguered oil industry responded, "Accusations of collusion and price-fixing are nothing more than political scapegoating in an election year. The oil barons and captains of industry are hurt by the indictment. The posturing of politicians does not explain the recent price increases which are the result of impersonal market forces, the 1993 gas tax hike, low refinery stock piles, and the widespread expectation that the United Nations embargo on Iraqi oil would be lifted, raising supply and driving down prices. Plus, we wanted to make some more money."

Russian Roulette 05.05.96

President Boris N. Yeltsin's powerful security chief called Sunday for a postponement of the June 16 presidential election, saying that Russia's electorate is too polarized to accept the results without bloodshed. Furthermore, he added that this would give the Yeltsin team plenty of time to fix the election.


The Get Along Gang Returns 05.07.96
Israel and the Palestinian Authority opened negotiations Sunday over the last and most difficult issues standing in the way of a definitive end to their decades-old conflict.

Chief Israeli negotiator Uri Savir said "at this juncture, the most difficult block to the peace process is that the Palestinians are Arabs."

His Palestinian counterpart, Mahmoud Abbas, agreed, "There would be no problem if it weren't for the Jews."

Montana Freemen in Custody; Morgan Freeman Still At Large 06.13.96
After an 81 day stand-off with the FBI and ATF, the Montana Freemen peaceably surrendered and are now in the custody of federal authorities.

In related news, the Freemen are now debating amongst themselves over the new name of their group. Top picks thus far include The No-Longer Freemen, The Not Freemen, The Imprisoned Men, The In Protective Custody Men, The Behind Bars Men, The Wackos Who Used Political Beliefs to Mask Their Criminal Activities, and the odds-on favorite, The Militia Group Formerly Known as the Freemen.

Godfather Coulda Been a Condemner 05.04.96

Actor Marlon Brando outraged the Jewish community when he remarked on The Larry King Live television show that Jews controlled the entertainment industry. While this startling revelation came as no surprise to anyone, the Jews were incensed at Brando's suggestion that because Jews control the entertainment industry, we have never seen a film that portrayed Jews in a "real" or negative light.

Brando: "We've seen the ni**er; we've seen the sp*c; we've seen the WOP; but we haven't seen the kike."

Remarked Rabbi Nadelberg, a Jew, "Yes, but we also haven't seen a movie about a fat freak method actor who french kisses dogs on live TV, thinks a call-in celebrity fart line is a great business model, whose freaked out actor son killed his sisters' husband because he hates his Polynesian mother, and eats imported deli sandwiches in the middle of a Cambodian monsoon. So, what's your fucking point, you fat fuck?!"

Brando had no comment.

Attention: All Dental Patients 05.05.96

Phil Collins announced he's leaving Genesis after 25 years, but assures his fans that he'll still be producing the same crappy music he's been making for the past five.

Bull’s Phil Jackson Wins Coach of the Year 05.06.96

Duh!

PERSONALS:

SWF, 26, 5’ 4”, 110, is seeking “some”. Attractive, fun-loving, honest, caring, down-to-earth, has not gotten “some” in quite a while. Really, really needs “some”. Badly. Likes theatre, dining out, beach, comedy, and getting “some”. You?: “some”. e.mail: “some”@aol.com.

Former model, now a weather-beaten skag, seeks professional, emotionally-fit, financially-secure, athletic build, sensitive, sexy, SWM, 35-45, for wining, dining, possibly more. You: can’t be turned off by sunken eyes and track marks. e.mail: cokewhore@prodigy.com.

DBM, 40’s, former pro-football player/actor, ISO the man who killed my ex-wife. You: DBM, 40’s, former pro-football player/actor, 6’4”, 220#, last seen entering my house on June 12, 1994.

Dead German patriarch, cute in a Chaplinesque way, charismatic speaker, idea man, seeks plump fraulein to be my little leibshin. Must be willing to die with me in a bunker. No Jews or gypsies, please. E.mail me c/o Satan@Hell.com. or Mengele@brazil.edu.

Do you like to swing? A couple of real swingers are looking to swing with fellow swing enthusiasts. He: 5’11”, 170#, 30’s, good-looking, loves to swing. She: same, and really loves to swing. Both are fans of Big Band music. e.mail: jkeefe@aol.com.

Beguilingly handsome Greek fellow, into self-relection, seeks same. Must love flowers and Joseph Conrad novellas. E.mail:narcissus@languid.pool.com.

Are You Open-Minded? Do You Know What You Like? Are You A Libertine? Are You Not Concerned With The Mamby-Pamby, Pseudo-Moralistic Laws This Country Feels Neccessary to Impose on Free-Thinkers Like Myself? Would You Like To Trade GIF’s Of Nude, Semi-Nude, and Bare-Assed Naked Twelve-Year Old Boys In Seductive Poses That Catch Oh! So Perfectly Their Flowering Pubescence?
ME, TOO! e.mail me: http./www.powder.director/disney.com
or write c/o North American Man-Boy Love Association.