May 1997

5/8/97

I Koran. I Koran So Far Away. I Couldn't Get Away.

In Kabul, Afghanistan, the Taliban religious police re-emphasized their ban on the use of

paper bags, the reason being that recycled paper may contain pages of the Muslim holy

book, the Koran. Grocery store employees have been instructed to ask, "Is plastic okay

or would you like to be stripped, beaten and put on display in the public square as a

religious offender?"


Star 69. Get it?


The trial of Timothy McVeigh focused on phone records this week, with prosecutors

claiming they can trace his involvement to the bombings with certain key phone calls.

They point to one call in particular, made to "1-900-EAT-JUGS," where a "saucy"

McVeigh tells an operator, "Oh baby, I'm gonna blow like a seven story building!"


Checkered Tie


IBM ubercomputer Deep Blue played Garry Kasparov to the second consecutive draw of

their $1.1 million re-match. Kasparov has already announced his intentions to donate a

portion of his prize money to pediatric hospitals in his homeland. Whereas Deep Blue

commented, "I'm getting me some of them robot legs. I could run fast, like a cheetah!"


Who Do You Want to Sue Today?


Software maker Borland International is suing Microsoft, accusing the bigger rival of

raiding its staff for top software engineers and marketing managers. In response, a

spokesman for Microsoft commented, "You will be assimilated, resistance is futile."


Size Nine-West


The Securities and Exchange Commission inquired into the accounting practices of the

Nine-West Group, a popular women's shoe manufacturer. This probe has caused shares

to tumble 18%. Wall Street analysts say they would not recommend investing at this

time, saying it would be as risky as "white flats in winter."


The Burning Head


Police are investigating Farrah Fawcett's on charges of breaking and entering and grand

theft. Police say they are baffled and may have to call in an elite investigative force of

three attractive women to solve the crime.


Jeffrey Dharma


Indian serial killer "The Serpent" gave an exclusive interview to ABC's "PrimeTime

Live" Wednesday from his home in France. When asked if he had plans to continue his

mass-murdering ways, he responded, "Well, does it tip you off any that I'm still calling

myself `The Serpent?'"

Hello, this is Chadwyre R. Dickens, subbing for Sappho Maschismo, who is out with a case of the vapors. I am standing in front of my Sports Apparatus. This gentle construct promises to reveal interesting data corresponding to your American sports news. Shall it stand the test of time? Hm, no matter.

Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her a what-for.”

In cricket news, Hampshire’s former England batsman Robin Smith hit a brave 92.

And in your American football, Tigers pitcher Willie Blair suffered a broken jaw when he was hit by a line drive. He was kept overnight at a Lutheran Medical Center while surgeons argued about who had to dig the was of tobacky out of his swollen bloody cheek.

You put your hand up on my hip, and when you dip, I dip, we dip. I’m Chadwyre R. Dickens with the sports.

Say It Ain't So, Joe


Chicago Whitesox outfielder Tony Phillips back after serving a two day suspension

blasted American League President Gene Budig, claiming "he doesn't like what I did or

he doesn't like me because I'm this color." Phillips, the only African American to ever

play baseball, has been severely targeted by an intolerant league.


Dribbles and Dragons


The Washington Bullets officially will become the Washington Wizards, the team

announced Wednesday. They also plan to unveil their new logo, a twelve-sided die that

will spill the sanguine blood of the wendigo.


5/9/97

Small Fry

US House Of Representatives has passed a bill that will allow juveniles to be tried as adults. In cases where capital punishment is involved, the offending youngster will be lured into the chamber with the promise of a “ride in the magic rocket chair” transporting them to the mythical “Lollypop Forest.”

Social Studies

Test scores released that girls have caught up to boys in math and science. Boys are still better, though, at drinking and being pricks.

It’s Greek to Me

Archeologists claim they’ve found Aristotle’s classroom from ancient Greece. They found an old desk with the message, “Mr. Aristotle has a fat ass” carved in the top.

Drugs Not Hugs

Biotechnology giant Amgen is gearing up to aggressively expand operations to accommodate its shift to a multi-drug company. Among the drugs the company expects to introduce is a stem cell stimulating factor for chemotherapy and a lotion that can turn you into a centaur.

Urge to Merge

Privately held Wall Street brokerage firm Oppenheimer & Co. Inc. is currently in talks with a possible suitor on being acquired, a company source says. A senior executive told reporters “There is no official comment, although we’d like to tell our suitor we think he’s dreamy and we love the corsage he sent.”

Mickey Louse

A lawsuit implicating several Walt Disney employees in a sexual harassment suit is about to conclude. Eisner said, ”Like it or not, we are Disney and we’re held to a higher standard.” Still no indication as why this philosophy was not applied to Disney’s recent film “Jungle 2 Jungle.”

Blockbusted

Blockbuster Video is being blamed by its new parent company Viacom for recent losses due to the departure of former CEO Bill Fields. Asked why he resigned, Fields indicated he was tired of making the extra stop just to pick up his porno, but stated, ”I don’t make as much here at Glory Hole Video but I’m saving gas.”

Beef and Barkley

After an embarrassing defeat to Seattle on Wednesday, Houston forward Charles Barkley blasted his team, saying, “You can come up with a lot of excuses, but they kicked our butts.” Barkley’s excuses included: “I was facing the wrong way; Why do we always have to play basketball?” and “Technically, we’re all winners.”

Four Legs Good, Two Legs Better

Kentucky Derby winner Silver Charm dumped his rider Thursday at Pimlico and galloped wildly off solo. The stray colt, the early favorite for the Preakness, was quickly caught by outrider Bill Rudolph. Mr. Rudolph is now favored 2:1 in the Preakness, and is looking forward to be putting out to stud.

5/12/97

He Blue It

After forfeiting the final game of his match with supercomputer Deep Blue, chess champion Garry Kasparov stated, “I am still the best human player on the planet, and can beat most major appliances, including blenders, toasters, and wet dry-vacs.” Deep Blue was in the mood for a little trash talk too, saying, “Tell that Siberian bitch to come around anytime he’s in the mood for another supercomputer-style smackdown.”

I’ve Been Framed!

Seven months after a kindergarten teacher branded and humiliated a girl by scrawling “Where are my glasses?” on her face with a marker, a lawsuit has been filed. When asked why they waited so long, the girl’s mother replied, “The Post-It note reminding me fell off my cheek.”

You Go Girls!

Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, one million black women plan to attend a similar rally in Philadelphia. Organizers say the demonstration, taking place this fall, will focus on single parenting issues, drugs in the inner city, and “how fine that Denzel is.”

Pull the Plug

Powermatic Data Systems has announced that it will no longer be a reseller of Hewlett-Packard products. In fact, PDS said it ended the relationship with HP at the end of April but that they were still friends and they could go out, but not like really going out, like going out to get something to eat or something.

The Devil Made Me Drink It

The rock band Motley Crue has announced the unveiling of their new brand of soda, Motley Brue. The soda company also plans to release other beverages, including “Root Beer And The Blowfish,” “The Jon Spencer Foam Explosion,” “Butthole Citrus,” “A Tribe Called Quench,” and “The Notorious P.O.P.”

Heppy Birthday

Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.

This 10 Wants 5

Dudley Moore’s estranged wife, Nicole Moore, has filed a $5 million lawsuit against him, claiming that she has suffered from physical and verbal abuse during their five-year marriage. Moore claims that he’d been caught between the moon and New York City.


Fingering Success

Atlanta Hawks center Dikembe Mutombo, after blocking a shot by the Bulls’ Brian Williams on Saturday, stood at the baseline and waggled his finger at the crowd in what has become his trademark. However, the ball was still in play and the Bulls’ strangely beautiful Scottie Pippen picked it up and scored. Mutombo will next be seen waving goodbye to the playoffs.

No Love… Lost

In tennis news, Mary Pierce had an easy win over Conchita Martinez at the Italian Open with a 6-4, 6-0 victory. Martinez was clearly disabled by neck spasms during the match, but Pierce had no mercy, returning every pathetic lob from Conchita screaming “ I’m bored!” and “Here’s one for your neck!”


Supercomputer Deep Blue bested Garry Kasparov in their final game of chess on Sunday, leaving behind some sour grapes. Kasparov accused IBM of programming the computer specifically to beat him, and that it had “nothing to do with science.” IBM programmers replied, “Kasparov is correct. We created Deep Blue from flora and fauna found only in the fairy netherworlds of Mordoll. Oh, and Mr. Kasparov? You are a jackass.”

Deep Blue celebrated its win by spending a night on the town with a cappuccino maker “built like a brick shithouse.”

Public Enemy rapper Chuck D has signed with Fox News Channel to supply on-air commentaries and occasional news reports. Similarly, ex-partner Flava Flav is supplying commentaries to homeless people concerning “all the people that ‘dissed’ him.”

Katharine Hepburn released a statement this week saying she wanted her 90th birthday on Monday to “pass quietly.” Friends and family were described as “disappointed,” as they had already briefed the stripper on how to play “feed the kitty” without breaking her brittle bones.

Michael Jackson is coming out with an album this month, but Epic Records is taking a “low-key approach” in promoting it. Executives claim this approach includes medium rotation on MTV, minimal advertising in the trades, and never mentioning Michael Jackson is a kiddie-grubbing pedophile.


5/15/97

Do Fries Come with that Shake?

The FDA is nearing approval of an anti-obesity drug that blocks the absorption of fat that a fat person eats. The drug works this way: A really fat person, or any fat person, takes this pill and then this certain fat person eats like the fat person that he is, and a lot of the fat eaten by old fatty is not absorbed by his big fat body.

Chico and "The Man"

Immigration officials are attacking the Mexican government for the apathy they've shown over the flood of counterfeit documents being used at the border. In rebuttal, Mexican officials remind the US, "We've got a real live goat sucking monster roaming our country and that's all you guys care about? Not cool."

Dismembers Only

After a harrowing ordeal, Los Angeles doctors were successful in re-attaching the arm of a boy after a laundromat dryer severed it. A full recovery is expected. The child thanked the heroic doctors, adding that his arm never felt so soft and fluffy.

Copying is as Easy as ABC

ABC News is unveiling its 24-hour online news service called abc.news.com squarely aimed at competing with MSNBC. To welcome the Internet news service Bill Gates, from his hidden mountain fortress, had 53 dozen pizzas sent over and billed it to Peter Jennings.

Up in Smoke


Because of a recent landmark court decision, the Liggett Group, makers of Eve, L&M, and Chesterfield brand cigarettes, now only print "Warning: Smoking is addictive" on their labels. This week, they released this statement: "We were able to prove that the twenty-six people who actually buy these brands are well aware of the dangers of smoking, if not long dead from them."

Abra-Cadaver

Legendary magician Harry Blackstone Jr. died Wednesday of pancreatic cancer at the age of 62. Towards the end, he reportedly claimed that the cancer was his own magical doing and often referred to it as his "last great escape." Blackstone's last words were "Let's see that bastard Copperfield top this."

Take Your Own Advice

Several radio stations will air a public service announcement Friday featuring singer Tori Amos. The PSA will contain a message recorded by Amos, followed by her song Silent All These Years, but preceded by listeners frantically scrambling to turn off their radios.

Jersey "Net"

Olympian Rebecca Lobo's high school basketball jerseys were stolen from a trophy case at Massachusetts's Regional High last weekend. Police say they are looking for a suspect who is 18-25 years old, has dark hair and dark features, and "is wearing one of Rebecca Lobo's basketball jerseys."

Out of the Woods

Tiger's father, Earl Woods, told the press this week, "Fuzzy Zoeller should go to K-Mart and buy some common sense." Earl seemed puzzled when pressed on how one would acquire common sense at a retail store, but was spotted later creating a disturbance at Bob's Golf Shop while demanding a refund for his sense of humor.

5/19/97

The Control Group Isn't Complaining

President Clinton apologized this week to the Tuskegee survivors who were used in a government experiment to monitor the ravages of syphilis. Clinton stated, "What the government did was shameful and experimentation of this kind will never happen again." The President was then whisked off by his genetically-engineered winged secret service agents to his three-o'clock with Dr. Moreau.

Bored of Education


Religious groups are calling for the removal of a South Carolina State Board of Education member after an inflammatory remark at a public meeting. Henry Jordan claimed he was "only trying to be funny" when he said, "Screw the Buddhists and kill the Muslims." He was later informed that if he wanted to be funny he should have said, "Screw the Muslims and tell those Buddhists to keep it down!"

Monopoly v1.2

Overfed software behemoth Microsoft wants to prove that its high-end Windows NT operating system can handle the largest and most complex business tasks. In a demonstration scheduled for this week, Microsoft Giant Brain Holder Bill Gates will demonstrate that with his new software it's easier to get E-mail, schedule appointments, and hold hostage "all that humanity finds sacred."

One Foot Out of the Grave

Menorah Gardens, a Florida funeral home, was ordered to pay $1.25 million to the family of an amputee who was buried without the legs she had entrusted to them for safekeeping. Punitive damages were awarded to the woman's husband, Joel Cohen, for his emotional distress. When asked about his plans for the millions, Cohen replied, "Legs, baby. Millions and millions of little tiny gams-- then I'll bury them alongside the dead, and when the bowels of Hell are filled, zombie legs will rise again, in an army loyal only to me!"
Monday Night Ball

Tabloid paper the Globe published pictures last week showing Frank Gifford in a New York hotel room embracing a woman other than his wife, Kathie Lee. Insiders say the troubles in their marriage began several years ago, when Frank awoke one day and realized that he was lying next to Kathie Lee Gifford.

Slyer Stallone

Sylvester Stallone this weekend kept the media guessing as to whether or not he married his girlfriend Jennifer Flavin in a top-secret ceremony. Media pundits claim the guessing "didn't take long," as they only had two choices: yes or no. The press got it on the second try.

Beefin' Barkley

Charles Barkley, responding to teammates complaining about the one-day break before Monday's game against Utah, said, "If you're tired, get another job. You can rest when you're dead." When asked for comment, George Burns responded, "I don't know what Charles is talking about, there's no rest down here. Every day they make me push this boulder up a hill, just so it can fall right back down."

Return to Sender, Mailman

Karl Malone, who led the NBA in no statistical categories, was awarded Most Valuable Player from a panel of sports writers. This is the last year for the current MVP system, which next season will officially be called "The Most Valuable Player Who Isn't Michael Jordan." Jordan is still favored 2:1 to win the award.

5/20/97

Minute Aid

After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."

Cloak and Dollars

The Federation of American Scientists sued the CIA this week to force the agency to reveal the size of its budget. The CIA said that it would reveal its general budget but would not site exact expenditures for such items as the new Mach 5, Invisible CrËme, Rocket Shoes, and the Flying Razor Hat.

Oh, What a Tangled WebTV We Weave

Federal antitrust regulators are investigating Microsoft's planned purchase of WebTV Networks. Regulators voiced concern that the merger would impede competition in the market for software. Reached at his secret, damp hideaway, Microsoft's increasingly odder genius, Wizard Bill Gates, said, "You just wait and see." Then he paused, wiping bread crumbs off his ketchup-stained Little Rascals T-shirt, and said, "I may lose this fight, but in the end, all will know who is the true czar, and those who do not follow will find themselves rudderless and palsied!"

Pilot Light

Continental Airlines has announced this week its plans to offer pilots pay increases adding up to only 10 percent over six years. A spokesman for the pilots says they are "elated," adding, "now we can get that can of pop we've had our eye on."

The Gifford That Keeps On Giving

Frank and Kathie Lee Gifford issued a joint statement this week urging for their privacy in the wake of allegations of Frank's extra-marital affair. Sources claim Kathie Lee is "disappointed" with Frank, who she has been quoted as calling her "love machine." When informed of her misfortunes, IBM supercomputer Deep Blue commented, "If she ever needs a real love machine, that freak can get busy with the business end of my hard drive 24-7."

This Icy Is Too Pricey

Sources tell Variety the price tag for making the James Cameron movie "Titanic" could approach $300 million. The good news is it doesn't sink. That would have been too expensive to make.

Tall Tales

The NBA has told its 29 teams they cannot sign seven foot nine inch North Korean basketball player Ri Myong Hun, who is currently residing in Canada. When told of this, Hun allegedly said, "What do I care? I'm a big huge freak! The world is my oyster! I'm the tallest Korean ever! I can do whatever I want!"

Little Big League Man

In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"

5/21/97

Top Guns

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Crimson A on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.

"Is that mine or....AUUGGH!"

A booby-trapped beeper hand-delivered to a waitress at her restaurant exploded and blew off one of her fingers. The intended target was her brother who lost the beeper during a fight with another man. The woman, who lost a pinky finger was taken to Bellevue Hospital where doctors say she won't be drinkin' tea any time soon.

Re: In Car Nation

Seven Buddhist monks were killed on Interstate 5 when a draft from a big rig caused their van to flip over. Twelve of the fourteen monks were ejected from the vehicle. "We're trying to put this behind us," said one of the monks who survived. "This was a traumatic and painful experience and we look forward to once again walking on hot coals and laying on razor sharp nail beds."

Aaron Henry 1923-1997

On a somber note, Aaron Henry, who led the drive for racial equality in Mississippi, has died at age 74. (Carl) That is sad, Cheryl. I remember when he hit his 715th home run to beat the record. He was playing for the Braves at that- (Cheryl) Not Henry Aaron, jagoff. Aaron Henry. He was a driving force in the NAACP, he filed a landmark lawsuit for reapportionment that cleared the way in 1980 for the election of himself and another dozen black representatives to the Mississippi State Legislature. (Carl) Well, we all send our regrets. And also, a big "howdy hey" to home run leader Hammerin' Hank Aaron.

A Penny for Your Thoughts

In a stunning announcement, H. Wayne Huizenga, Paul Allen, and King Bee Bill Gates have announced that they are buying everything. You will be sent a check in the mail for you and yours, and then you must submit to almost painful skin testing.

Jonesin'

For those of you who understand, the Dow rose 34 points to 7228. For the rest of you, just relax and let us worry about the money.

Neil Down and Put Your Hands In The Concrete

The four reunited members of Motley Crue put their handprints in concrete at the famed Hollywood "Rockwalk" this week. Observers say the honor was appropriate, because the legendary heavy metal band has been playing like their hands were made of concrete for the last fifteen years.

C'mon Seven!

Larry King and fiancÈe Shawn Southwick have announced their wedding date December 12th. This time it's for good said King, "Unless of course I meet someone different, or someone else, or anyone."

Backbiting

Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. "Marvelous" denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy, what you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.

Russian For a Rematch

Garry Kasparov has requested a rematch with super-computer Deep Blue, but the event is doubtful. When reached at an upscale New York nightclub, surrounded by an entourage of beautiful women, Deep Blue said it was "harvest-time" and he'd need to see some serious green 'cause a brothers gotta get paid, and that IBM should get off his tip and stop pimpin' his chess playing ass.



Carl: And now, for the weekend Traffic Report, here's R.J. Knackman.

R.J. Thank you Carl. Things look good on the 80 from New York to California, slight slowing around Grand Island Nebraska, I believe the carnival is in town, but from there it's smooth sailing. Now from where I'm sitting now everything looks calm, smooth, and blue. Very Tranquil
Carl: Are you over the ocean?
R.J. (nervously) No…
Carl: Yes, you are you're over the ocean.
R.J.: Traffic reports EVERY WEEK with R.J. Knackman
Carl: Thank You R.J.--
R.J. Why do you only call me on the weekend. There's no traffic on the weekend.
Carl: Thank You R.J--
R.J. Call me--




A fire this week at an Indianapolis warehouse wiped out most of the floats for this year's 500 Festival Parade. There were no injuries, and organizers say Saturday's parade will still go on. About 250,000 spectators are expected to view the event, which will now feature a girl who smokes cigarillos with her nostrils, a bunch of pals who own really expensive looking blenders, and a three-legged dog named "Pedro."

Authorities claim they waited several months to release the details because they wanted to ascertain whether the sex was consensual, which resulted last week in the realization that they were talking about Marv Albert.

Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences, but unfortunately, because we held the meeting late at night, until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."

Popular NBC sports announcer Marv Albert has been implicated in an assault case. Albert has denied the charges, and claims the woman told him she wanted to be in his new compilation of clips, "The Wacky World of Forcible Sodomy."

Michael Jordon announced that if coach Phil Jackson is not resigned with the Bulls next year, he will retire, and warned Bulls owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf then gleefully announced that Jackson will not be brought back next year, forcing Jordan to announce he will be back next season with the Bulls. A puzzled Jordan announced that he thought his strategy was sound and couldn't figure out how Reinsdorf figured out he was bluffing.

A British contingent is pushing for ballroom dancing to be an event in the 2000 Olympics arguing that it combines grace and agility with an established aesthetic. Officials are said to be considering this, as they had been looking for an event to remove synchronized swimming's stranglehold on most unwatchable event.

Democratic leader in the House Richard Gephardt has broken ranks with the Democrats and is opposing the President's new budget deal. Said Gephardt, "This is a budget of many deficits; a deficit of principle, a deficit of fairness, a deficit of tax justice, and worst of all, a deficit of dollars." He then added, "However, there is no deficit of long, run-on sentences."

A California woman says Harrods the venerable British department store, tossed her out because of her size not her attire as they claim. The Los Angeles resident, a confident size 18 has demanded an apology from the retailing giant. Harrods said she was expelled for violating the store's dress code. The security man who threw the woman out thought she was wearing tights rather than leggings. He claims it was an honest mistake because when you put a legging on something that big it's gonna stretch so thin it looks like tights.

A Texas jury ordered an 18 year old girl Tuesday to pay about $7 million in damages to the family of a boy killed when she lost control of her vehicle while answering a cellular phone. The girl wept as she left the courtroom because her parents are really mad at her and because it was a wrong number.

The House finally passed the balanced budget agreement today. Congressional leaders were very nervous about the outcome and were relieved when the bill passed by a narrow margin of 333 to 99. The budget pact aims to slow government spending for the next five years lowering the deficit to zero by the year 2002. Hardest hit were the elderly who's Medicare was cut by $115 billion, making sure the old farts won't be around by the year 2002 for the big celebration.

Continental Airlines has reported this week that they will soon purchase 40 jets from Boeing. A Continental spokesman says he will keep the press abreast of further "exciting" plans to buy things, which may culminate in next week's detailed account of their trip to Thrifty's.

Microsoft and Electronic Arts have agreed to offer some of their games through ICTV's Internet-access network. Said Microsoft All-Powerful Giant Synapse Firer Bill Gates, "This way, we can get them while they are young and their minds are malleable and free of distraction and open to the subliminal messages. Then they will be lured to the breeding city of Seattle, where a microchip will be implanted in the base of their spines, barcodes imprinted on their foreheads, and trained to become the Microsoft Army which will clear forests and destroy anything that does not further the cause of 'Gates's World'."

The Justice Department is taking a closer look at Microsoft's proposed acquisition of Web TV to see if the software monolith is breaking any anti trust laws. In response, Bill Gates from his hidden fortress plunged his face into a vat of molten gold and said, "Truly I am everything I love and by the way could you take it easy on me with the lawyers."

A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.

A maker of in-line skating equipment thought it could attract young male buyers by putting this simple slogan on it's clothing laundry tags: "destroy all girls." Arlo Eisenberg, part-owner of the company said, "The laundry tag was supposed to say, 'kill your parents,' but some people thought that was too extreme." And could result in kids getting grounded every time their parents washed the shirt. Other Anchor: What ever happened to nice laundry tags like, "decapitate a neighbor and tie their entrails to your spokes."

Universal Pictures and Steven Speilberg's Amblin Entertainment have agreed to do a feature film sequel of Casper. A casting call has been announced for the part of Casper and an excited Jon Benet Ramsey from heaven said, "It's between me and the Lindbergh baby."

Millie Bush, the English springer, and author died yesterday. "Millie went to heaven, the former president said, Unfortunately, it was Korean heaven where Millie was immediately eaten.

Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open day on Saturday to prove that the red light district is safe, offering the public coffee and other drinks. Their next prostitution promotion celebrates the year the port was established, sending bordello prices in a time machine back to the year1533 and offering twelve cent handjobs and froee copulation with the first 50 customers with scurvy.

Officer Robert Breckenfeld, a Santa Ana Police Officer, was discovered to be a bigamist with three wives. The department said they don't know how this effects their relationship to the officer, but until they review procedures, Robert can expect a strict "no cuddling" policy.

A top Russian General who served as one of Boris Yeltsin's closest advisers was arrested today on corruption charges that include taking a $241,000 bribe. When Yelsin asked him why he did it the General replied: "I know nutting."

Convicted killer Ramon Martinez-Villareal is in a good mood today. The U.S. Supreme court has granted him a stay of execution for the 1982 killings of two ranch workers. The courts want to hear arguments involving his mental competence. Apparently prosecutors find executing him in a sraight jacket disturbing.

The Hubble Space Telescope has been put to use tracking the weather- on Mars. It is extremely cold, with dark blue skies full of white clouds of water ice. Scientist warn that anyone planning a trip to Mars should pack an extra sweater and don't forget to bring a space umbrella.

The National Transportation Safety Board is updating its list of the "most wanted safety improvements" with such recommendations as safer fuel tanks that will not sustain a fire or explosion, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers in the cargo hold, and planes that don't blow up.

OR

...in the cargo hold, and pilots who really know how to hold their booze.

OR

...in the cargo hold, and lucky beads for all passengers to jiggle.

In Coalinga, CA, a van full of Buddhist monks was blown off the freeway by a passing truck, killing seven and injuring seven other monks. The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of the demi-gods, and said they were happy because traffic was really a pain in the ass.

OR

The seven monks who died were instantly reborn into the realm of human beings, rented another van, and continued on their way.

OR

After the tragedy, one of the survivors commented, "As according to our beliefs, the seven who died have been reborn and, oh, there they are. Hi fellas! (Go rent another van- this one's totaled.)"


As the Indianapolis 500 is just around the corner, we have a somber note, the youngest winner of the Indy 500, Troy Ruttman, died this week. He was 67. (Carl) Jesus! He was the youngest? How old are all those guys, anyway? That doesn't seem to safe, all those old guys zipping around the track. Well, maybe that's why it's so exciting. (Cheryl) Did you lie on your resume? How do you keep this job?

President Clinton criticized the fashion industry saying it glamorized the image of heroin by using 'heroin chic" models who strike poses that make them appear sickly and dazed. A spokesman for the heroine chic models said, "This is an outrage we are doing nothing to glamorize addiction...However before the spokesman could finish her point she nodded off into a bowl of pasta.

Attorneys for Timothy McVeigh the alleged Oklahoma City bomber are to call their witness's tomorrow. Former attorney Johnny Cochran is expected to take the stand first. While not associated with the case Johnny has promised to break off some fat rhymes to help get him off.

Pilot Kelley Flinn say's she is optimistic the service will grant her a discharge, rather than try her on adultery and other charges. Air Force officials say they will consider Flinn's request for an honorable discharge but first want to meet with Flinn over drinks to see if she's really a player...if you know what I mean.

After five day the hatches between the U.S. space shuttle Atlantis and Russia's space station Mir swung shut today as the two space crews prepared to go their separate ways. A spokesman for then uncoupled space stations asked if their any further missions planned said, "It's too soon to say but we'll always be friends and maybe sometime we can go to a movie or something."

In Yugoslavia, Bosnian Serbs announced Wednesday the formation of their own airline company. Sources say the company's planned slogan will be "Come visit beautiful war-torn Bosnia! No roundtrip tickets needed, as our Croatian foes will most likely murder you where you stand. We shall keep your luggage and distribute it among the ravaged dwellings of the innocents. Death to those who oppose us!"

A study this week reports that sweage carried by airplanes is spreading viruses worldwide. According to the study, several samples of sewage pumped from flights landing at American airports contained infectious viruses. Airline spokespersons are "shocked" at the announcement, as no one ever expected there might be something wrong with America's precious stockpile of filthy sewage.

Sleazy Ryder

The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma city bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"

Smack Attack

President Clinton lambasted the fashion industry for increasing the allure of "heroin-chic" trends, citing print ads that feature dazed, waifishly thin models with track marks up their arms. The President expressed concern for the influence 'heroin chic'and passionately implored the industry to get back to presenting the more wholesome image of anorexic fashion models with fake breasts.

Lego My Nazi

A Polish artist who used Lego's to construct a diorama of Nazi death camps has elicited strong objections from his own government and the Lego corporation. In a related story a representative for Lincoln Logs said, "We'd be proud to have an artist express himself through our product or anyone for that matter. Come on-- logs are fun!"
Don't Get Up

Mattel is introducing, or wheeling out, a new doll in its popular Barbie line: A wheelchair-bound doll named "Share A Smile Becky." "Barbie's world is now more like the everyday world," said a product manager for Mattel. The figure is dressed in a denim skirt, and when lifted to her feet, her legs buckle and she screams. Becky will be modeled after a normal Barbie figure, with the exception of the powerfully strong arms taken from thousands of surplus Hulk Hogan dolls.

Live and Let Die Already

Paul McCartney says he has a notebook of never-recorded songs he wrote with John Lennon. These are the earliest-ever Lennon-McCartney songs, written some 40 years ago. McCartney said in a statement: "I wrote them in my school exercise book. It's got 'Love Me Do' in it and four others that were never recorded." They are: "This Class Sucks", "Blow Me Do", "Teacher Puts Out", and "Pick Up Crumpets- Love Mum."

Return to Sender

A stamp-collector, upset at Bugs Bunny being placed on a new stamp, stated enthusiasts' concerns that "the higher purpose of the stamp program is being prostituted." He then went on to apologize to any prostitutes he might have offended, realizing no woman would sleep with a pathetic, stamp collecting loser unless he was paying her, then collapsed to his knees in gut-wrenching sobs, speaking wistfully of wasted years and parents who never took the time to make him feel special.

Air-Rent Judgement

Michael Jordan announced that if Bulls coach Phil Jackson is not re-signed, Jordan will make this season his last and warned the Bulls' owner Jerry Reinsdorf, "Don't call my bluff." Reinsdorf immediately announced the Bulls will hire a new coach. Jordan, found later frantically leafing through a book of poker strategy stated, "How the hell did he know I was bluffing?"

Expert Ball Handling

The woman who accused sportscaster Marv Albert of assault and forcible sodomy is facing a charge that she tried to kill her former boyfriend. The woman reportedly called her ex a month after the alleged incident involving Albert, and told him she would kill him, his dog and any girl he may be with. Police say this demonstrates a possibility of mental instability, overshadowed only by her previous example of this: Going to a hotel room with Marv Albert.

5/24/97

Top Guns

Pilot Kelly Flinn says she's optimistic the Air Force will grant her an honorable discharge rather than try her on adultery charges. The service plans to avoid an embarrassing trial, distinguishing the officer by pinning the military's famed Scarlet "A" on her chest, marching her around the parade field and then pummeling the dirty Jezebel with stones.

Sleazy Ryder


The defense presents its case today in the trial of Oklahoma City bombing suspect Timothy McVeigh. Defense attorney Steven Jones will lead off by trying to shake the testimony of the owner of the rental agency owner who claims McVeigh rented the Ryder truck allegedly used in the bombing. "Basically, I plan on calling him fat and smelly 'til he cries," Jones explained. "Who's going to believe a fat, smelly cry baby?"

Minute Aid

After two people have been reported ill, Minute Maid is recalling containers of its Berry Punch because it might contain cleaning solution. A spokesman for Minute Maid said, "Customers who bought the affected cartons should throw them away. However, if you are vomiting, do it behind the refrigerator or any other hard to clean place. Let's not make this a bad thing."

Ivan Milkim reporting from an undisclosed location. I'm never goin' back to the joint. Try and make me. Message to the Warden...I know where your family lives. Got a lot to do. I need to drum up a fake beard, shoe polish, and a toothbrush. I've also got my eye on some elderly couple's Chrysler New Yorker. Bressler...I need a gun...preferably a Baretta 9 millimeter with a silencer and laser sight. I'll call later with rendezvous details. Don't try to reach me.

Backbiting

Sportscaster Marv Albert has been indicted on forcible sodomy and assault charges stemming from an incident where he allegedly bit a woman on the back and forced her to commit oral sex. Mr. Albert denied all charges saying, "I'm an honest, straightforward guy. What you see is what you get. I didn't do this and I have never, ever, tried to deceive the fans or the American public." Marv then stood up from the makeup chair, adjusted his toupee, and made his way to the editing bay to sweeten the laughter on his next wacky sports compilation.

Little Big League Man

In Willington Connecticut, a 6 foot, 165 pound Little League pitcher, Shane Legare, towers over his peers, and the League's board of directors is taking a vote that might limit his participation. Shane's mother asked, "How do you tell a gentle 12-year-old he's too big to follow his dream?" The opposing coach suggested, "Try, 'How's your jump shot, Paul Bunyon?' Or, 'Hey Colossus I think there's a league for you in Uganda, ya little head hunter, ya.'"

"Sneak" Peeks with SKEETER AND WIZZ

Wizz and I were supposed to review Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, The Lost World, for today's show. The print ads claim "something has survived." From the looks of the trailer, it seems to be the exact plot of the original. Anyhoo, when we showed up for the premiere, the good folks at Universal wouldn't sell us any tickets. I think it had something to do with Wizz and his hygienic "problems." But I'll give you folks the skinny about what we saw instead: The Volcano.

Now, I had a problem with believability. The chances of a volcano destroying Los Angeles are about as remote as Tommy Lee Jones regaining his credibility. After seeing this stinker, Tommy Lee's Oscar had to file a restraining order. This movie features molten lava rolling down the streets of Los Angeles more relentlessly than Eddie Murphy looking for late-night "companionship." But if you like to see things burn as much as my buddy Wizz, save yourself two hours and set eight dollars on fire.

Now, our quick video pick for this week is Longtime Companion. This is a movie about a couple of buddies-- I think they met in college--and their troubles meeting that special lady. Until next week...

5/26/97

No Booz for Yooz

National Fraternity leaders across the nation are trying to introduce a new "substance-free housing" policy that would ban on-campus alcohol use, a rule that some fraternity brothers believe threatens the extinction of the Greek system all together. This possibility has in turn spread panic among effeminate male drama students and fat girls who are left wondering where their daily dose of shame will come from.

License To Chill

A Maine Legislature has deemed the slogan, "Ride Safe" to appear on motorcycle license plates in 1998. It was the closest ballot in Maine's Legislative history as it was almost bested by another popular slogan, "Gas, Grass, or Ass -- No One Rides for Free."

Crisis in Trenchmont

Brent Muvahill reporting to you live from Addendale Park in Trenchmont where it is believed a 3 year-old girl named Tracy Amber Collinswood has fallen some two hundred feet down on an abandoned mine shaft. This is, as of yet unsubstantiated. I am making my way to the scene and will have more information shortly. Back to you.

Urge To Merge

A government expert says the $4 billion merger between Staples and Office Depot would raise the price of office supplies by as much as 10% and hit families with children the hardest if your little ones eat paste like mine.

Coltrane Keep A' Rollin'

Robbie Coltrane enjoys his anonymity here in America. "I'm just the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart," says he. But to avid fans of A&E's series Cracker, he's Dr. Eddie "Fitz" Fitzgerald, the hard-drinking, smoking police psychologist-- with the fat ass in the Chevy outside the K-Mart.

Fuzzy Sentiments

Golfers Tiger Woods and Fuzzy Zoeller met face-to-face this week for the first time since Zoeller's racial attempts at humor during the Masters. Reporters apparently caught him afterwards, where he said, "Tiger and I have put aside our differences. To be frank, I was afraid this meeting would never happen. Mainly because we held it late at night, and until he smiled I didn't even know he was there."

5/27/97

Hang Down Your Head, Tom Foley, Hang Down Your Head and Cry

The Japanese government, waiting for official word on who will be the next U.S. envoy to Tokyo, suspects that all signs point to former House Speaker Tom Foley. Japanese officials are pleased with the expected appointment, stating that they are relieved anytime a surprise guest to Japan isn't 20 stories tall and breathing fire.

Sky Die-ving

A small sky-diving plane crashed in South Florida killing six people on board. A 43-year- old woman parachuted out and survived the crash. When asked how she saved herself, she credited her fool-proof survival plan of having 6 back up parachutes.

America Out of Line

American Online says its "instant messaging software," which tells users who on its list is online, will soon be made available for all Internet users. While there is no charge for the beta version, a spokesman said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Wait, you can't because our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."

General Martyrs

3,500 GM workers voted to end their seven-day walkout after concluding marathon bargaining sessions over staffing, health, and safety issues. Although most workers are due back by the next shift, a few are expected back sooner to prepare the plant for restarting production, which includes polishing the leg-irons and waking up the tiny children that install the brake lights.
Welcome To the Creepiest Place on Earth

Sources close to Michael Jackson say the entertainer was so impressed with his reception in Poland last year, he wants to build a Disneyland-style theme park in Warsaw. Attractions for the park include "It's A Small World When You're In A Barn With A German And An Englishman," and "The Main Street Electrical Parade," featuring a cast of thousands trying to screw in the tiny lightbulbs.

Legs Get Ready to Rumble

Tina Turner says that despite reports to the contrary, her famous legs are not insured. Tina added, "My body is insured and my legs are part of that. I do, however, have a shoe- to-head policy stating if Ike even unlaces his shoe I get $400,000."

Complainey Slaney

Distance runner Mary Slaney is infuriated with reports that she tested positive for excessive testosterone at the 1996 U.S. Olympic trials, telling reporters "If someone were to ask me how I feel about USA Track & Field right now, I would say I hope it burns in hell." Reporters then asked how she felt about USA Track & Field, to which she replied, "Are you listening to me?" which then prompted the obvious follow-up of "How do you feel about USA Track & Field?"

Storm A' Brewin'

Taking issue with supposedly negative remarks from NBC, Houston Rocket star Charles Barkley retorted, "It doesn't surprise me. Those comments came from Hannah Storm, and women shouldn't be announcing men's sports." After an awkward silence, Barkley added, "Burn the witch!" and fled from news cameras, calling them "soul-stealing devil-boxes."

5/28/97

Jonesin' for Paula

The Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that President Clinton could not be shielded from prosecution in Paula Jones' sexual harassment case. Attorneys for Jones are saying that she might be satisfied with a statement that Clinton "remembers her, that she was in that room, that she did nothing wrong and that she is a good person." Clinton may have said in a statement this week, "I do not remember her, I do not remember the room, I do not remember what happened in the room which I do not remember." The President also added, "How am I supposed to remember anything with her rack kickin' my ass everyday?"

No Nukes is Good Nukes

Jolly and red-nosed Russian President Boris Yeltsin stood in front of NATO yesterday and assured the assembly that Russian warheads would no longer be pointed at its members. As a festive mood overcame the congregation, a representative from Japan caught Yeltson's eye. "How long have you guys been members?" Boris asked. He then added, "You might want to forget what I just told you."

Thesis: Murder

A graduate student, who will face the death penalty in the slaying of three professors at San Diego State University, has pleaded guilty to first-degree murder. Trying to explain himself, the student, Fredrick Martin Davidson supposedly said, "I thought they said to kill them. My regular teachers let me kill them."

Head Shop

Police are investigating a human skull purchased for $7 from a Kansas City antique store. The store owner warned police to investigate all they like, they wouldn't find lower prices for human skulls anywhere in the downtown area.

1-800-M-O-N-O-P-O-L-Y

AT&T has begun talks with SBC Communications over a mega-merger said to have legal and regulatory obstacles that are near insurmountable. " It's like putting a man on the moon," an AT&T spokesman stated, " it's not impossible, but it's gonna take a long time." Nearby NASA alum Allen Shepard heard this comment and retorted, " Shut your puke mouth. You don't look at the moon, you don't talk about the moon, you don't even think about the moon."

SMOOTH WOODEN BALL

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with SC Naked News and I'm here with Margaret Cho. Welcome to the show, Margaret.

MC: Thank-you very much.

SWB: When your show got cancelled, was that a shock to you or could you pretty much see that coming?

MC: Oh, I saw it coming when the show got picked up. I saw that coming when I signed the deal to do the show. I saw it coming so far in the horizon, that I could've just not done it at all and had the same effect.

SWB: So, you're whole outlook was basically just give me the cash and I don't really care.

MC: Absolutely.

SWB: Is your grandma as funny as the one on All-American Girl?

MC: No, my grandmother is a tyrant. Every time I see her she says, "You know, your face is bloated beyond recognition." This is not something you say to a granddaughter. That's something you say to someone who has been in a lake for a couple of weeks. You don't say that to progeny.

SWB: So I understand you are doing a John Woo movie.

MC: Yes, two days ago I completed looping on that film. It's called "Face Off. "

SWB: Do you get killed?

MC: No, I'm one of the few people that live.

SWB: Do you get to shoot a gun or anything?

MC: I get to shoot lots of guns and I do some kung fu.

SWB: Whoa! Does John Woo speak English? I was just wondering, because when they have his movies with English translations they're always a little bit off.

MC: I don't know why that always seems to happen. Always. In Hong Kong films when people are having sex they always say, "Oh, it's so comfortable! It's so comfortable!" Yea, it is comfortable, but that's not really the word you're thinking. But they always use that term.

SWB: What is the name of your character?

MC: My character's name is Wanda.

SWB: Is she kinda loose? Sleep around a little bit?

MC: No, not at all.

SWB: So much for getting dirt on that.

MC: I think I may do a nude scene in a movie I am doing in a month. But what is kind of upsetting about that is that I have the worst farmer's tan. I have the worst tractor tan like a V-neck, short sleeve shirt. The worst is that it will probably keep me from doing it.

SWB: I'm sure a lot of fans want to know when they can see you nude?

MC: I'm not sure when that is going to happen. But it will be sometime in the next few months.

SWB: So that is all you know about the part is that you are going to take your clothes off?

MC: Yea, I'm going for it.

SWB: Great, well all right.

MC: Laughing

SWB: This is the Smooth Wooden Ball with the SC Naked News with Margaret Cho. Thank you Margaret.

MC: Thank you Ball.

GOP Heads for TV

New York Republican Rep. Susan Molinari will soon resign from Congress and join CBS Television as a co-anchor of a Saturday morning program. The program is set to be called "Molinari and the Mystery Machine," and will feature the animated lawmaker who will fight such villains as "The Peculiar Purple Politician from Pickendarry Peak" and "Chuck," a 37-year-old lobbyist.

Home Imboozement

In Michigan, former cocaine dealer Tim Allen failed a sobriety test after police stopped him for driving his Ferrari seventy in a forty-mph zone. Allen, whose real name is Timothy Alan Dick, failed sobriety tests that included him reciting the alphabet, counting backwards, and when asked if he'd star in Jungle 2 Jungle again, slurring "yes." Authorities are seeking the maximum penalty.

If You Can't Take the Heat...

Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat has sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."

Tri-This

After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathalete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathalete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."

5/29/97

Not a Quitter

Pilot Linda Finch completed a 26,000 mile re-creation of Amelia Earhart's round the world odyssey. When asked how her flight was different from Earhart's, Finch said, "Well for one thing I didn't crash. Other than that it was exact-a-mundo."

Highway Robbery

In Detroit, police are still searching for a motorist who grabbed $20,000 that spilled from an armored truck on an interstate highway. The incident happened when the side door of the truck flew open and a car struck one of the bags causing the money to scatter. The motorist in his defense said, "I thought I hit a big canvas dog that bled money, so I decided to keep him as my own."

Saline On

Research shows that women who have breast enlargements tend to drink more, have more sex partners, get pregnant younger, are more likely to have abortions, use the pill and dye their hair. Check, check, check, check, check, and check. Everything a man wants and large fake breasts.

Bringing up Baby-tron

Playmates Toys Inc. has just come out with a new digital toy: A virtual infant on a key chain. Designed to teach pre-teen girls about the responsibilities of motherhood, the baby only grows with care and feeding. Accessories to the toy include "virtual day-care," "virtual over-indulgent grandma," and "virtual latch-key," which, if overused, alerts the "Cyber Child Protective Services."

A Cartoon of Smokes

The Federal Trade Commission has charged that R.J. Reynolds unfairly targets kids and asserts that Joe Camel is now as recognizable as Mickey Mouse. When the company asked for proof, the commission pointed to the millions of children who watch "The Wonderful World of Joe Camel" every day and write letters to him for presents each Christmas. FTC lawyers smiled politely, nodded their heads and then pushed a big red button marked, "Loony Bin Hot Line."
Speaking of Memories...

Entertainer Bob Hope turned 94 on Thursday, and "old ski-nose" celebrated in grand fashion, by first eating a bite of cake, and then blindly telling stories in his hoarse, damaged whisper of how he cannot recall the details of Dorothy Lamour's wizened face. America's best-loved white entertainer will next star in "The Road to New Jerusalem" with his estranged pals "Dot" and "Der Bingle." Happy birthday, Geminis!

Siddharthauchwitz?

Austrian mountaineer Heinrich Harrer, 84, once tutor to the Dalai Lama and the subject of an upcoming Brad Pitt movie, acknowledged that he was a member of the Nazi Party. He called his association unfortunate, adding he'd just have to "grin and bear it," adding, "so if you see me grinning every time you mention my years as a Nazi, that's me regretting having belonged to the SS."

Ridick-Clueless

Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."

I'm a Loser, Baby

Ted Musgrave lost his 191st NASCAR Winston Cup in a row this week. When asked why he continues to allow actress Susan Lucci to ride shotgun, he offered no comment.

Creamed Cheese

A retired bus driver won $128,000 dollars in damages from the Philadelphia Phillies when their mascot hugged him and knocked him over. In a related story, the Harlem Globetrotters were arrested on assault charges when a bucket full of confetti was fired into a crowd of unsuspecting fans.

5/30/97 (Weekend Edition)

He's Da Bomb

As the jury in the Oklahoma City bombing trial listened to summations, they heard Timothy McVeigh described as a "terrorist" and a "victim of circumstance." Jurors expressed confusion over this saying, "How can he be both? Who are we to decide? What? That's what we're supposed to do? How much does this job pay?"

Sorry, Charlie


The Marine Mammal Fund accused Greenpeace of "selling out" this week, claiming they support a bill that redefines "dolphin-safe tuna." Disgruntled sourpusses are upset, as the bill now defines "dolphin-safe" as "chock-full of creamy dolphin" and "now with 37% more delicious, licky-yummy dolphin."

Out Like Flinn

America's first B-52 bomber pilot Kelly Flinn has agreed to a general discharge, avoiding an impending court-martial hearing for adultery, disobedience and lying in an official investigation. Twenty-six-year old Flinn says she has no immediate plans, although sources say a book deal is in the works. "It's kind of like " The Rules" for enlisted women," an insider says. Suggested chapter titles include, "K.P.=L-O-V-E" and "It's Better You Don't Have Phone Privileges Because You Shouldn't Be Calling Him Anyway."

America Out of Line

America Online says its "instant messaging software," which alerts users when their friends are online, will soon be made available at no charge. Although the company said there could be a charge for a future version. When asked why, a spokesperson explained, "Because we're AOL baby-- we're always pulling junk like this. If you don't like it, call and complain. Oh, wait. You can't, our lines are always busy. Now go get your shine box and get the hell out of here."

Eye on Health

This is Dr. Eagleton Briggs with this week's "Eye on Health" segment: What about Chicken? Now, prepared properly, chicken can be a very healthy, nutritious entrÈe. But there are a few things you need to look out for. When purchasing your chicken from the supermarket, you want to avoid buying in bulk from the unwrapped thigh bin as these pieces are exposed to bacteria that can cause illness. Make sure your chicken is tightly wrapped in cellophane and its package contains very little coffee grounds and no cigarette butts! These are danger signals and usually mean the chicken has not been handled in a sanitary fashion. After buying your clean, plastic-protected chicken, pay careful attention as to how you store it at home. A sock drawer or glove compartment is not nearly as affective at staving off infection as a cool, refrigerated place like a refrigerator. When preparing fried chicken in the kitchen, it's a good idea to use a pan and avoid trying to heat up the cooking oil directly on the gas burner. Cooking oil is a liquid and will not balance on a little metal grate. That's just good, common sense.

If You Can't Take the Heat...

Michael Jordan says that the physical play of the Miami Heat during the conference finals sent a wakeup call to the Bulls and they will play with more intensity. Said Jordan, "It's time to go out and stand strong and be ready to fight. I don't mean literally fight, I mean in terms of basketball." And in boxing news, Mike Tyson said of his upcoming fight with Evander Holyfield, "I'm ready to play basketball."

Tri-This

After 54 days of running, cycling and swimming, triathlete Jim Howell's transcontinental trek ended Tuesday on the steps of New York's City Hall, where he joked, "Gosh, I came all this way, and I didn't even get a T-shirt." After the "uproarious" laughter died down, Howell treated the crowd with other pop-culture witticisms such as "If you're rich, I'm a single triathlete" and "My other car is a Porsche, but I don't need it because I'm running in a triathlon, you see."

Ridick-Clueless

Retired boxer Ridick Bowe has applied for a school-guard job that pays $10.49 an hour. "We've got to treat Mr. Bowe like any other applicant," said Christopher Carson, spokesman for the school. He then called Bowe's reference, Don King, who insisted Bowe was "the most splensational security guard of all time."

Sneak "Peeks" With Skeeter and Wizz:

This week, me and Wizz started our traditional theater-hopping with the new buddy comedy, "Gone Fishin'." This film wasn't made available to the press. Now, if they just kept it away from audiences, they'd have gotten it completely right.

In this Glover/Pesci vehicle, the two stars go fishing for laughs, but come home as empty-handed as Susan Lucci on Emmy night. However, they are successful in suggesting to audiences the fragrance of week-old bass.

I must say that this film reminded me of one of my favorites, "Goodfellas." You see, I heard after completing it, Joe Pesci's Oscar requested federal relocation.

There was some tragedy associated with "Gone Fishin'." As you might have witnessed in the unfortunate trailers for this cinematic disaster, there's enough slapstick to fill one of John Hughes's wet dreams. While filming one of the sequences, two stuntmen died. To be fair, their deaths were not in vain. For they did not have to attend the premiere of this rancid stinker.

We left a little early to make sure we caught the sequel to Steven Spielberg's dino-epic, "The Lost World." Now, I don't know much about the world, but I can't find my two hours anymore. This high-concept hit is already setting box office records. I just wish DNA technology could bring my $8 dollars back from extinction.

Wizz and me offer our video tip for this week, "It's My Party." This little gem is about a man who decides to throw an impromptu celebration, I think it was his birthday. But each frame reminded me of the power of friendship. Catch it with a buddy.

05.12.97

Crime, violence and murder comprise 42 percent of all local news stories says a recent nightly news study. In a related story, Paco the Sega playing Chihuahua was found stabbed and slashed in the garage of his posh town house. Police currently have no leads.

The Alabama Supreme Court cut a 2 million-dollar judgement against a doctor who claimed a BMW dealer sold him a car with retouched paint as new. The court said the amount was grossly excessive. Strangely the Supreme Court had previously withheld the 47 million-dollar judgement against the “kitty with the drippy bottom.”

A kindergarten teacher humiliated a girl in November by scrawling, “Where are my glasses?” on the child’s face with a marker, her family said in a civil rights lawsuit. When asked why they waited 7 months to file the lawsuit a family spokesman said, “The Post it Note we had on our child’s face reminding us to sue fell off.”

A rift has grown among animal lovers between the more tradition shelters that euthanize to make space for more animals and the “no-kill” who won’t exterminate animals for any reason. However, there is now a third, experimental shelter where the parents of the animals call and bore them to death.

Two years after the Million Man March in Washington, a group called on 1 million black women to attend a similar rally on Philadelphia this fall. Organizers said the march will focus on single parenting and how that, “Denzel Washington is one fine (chocolate) brother.”

Candice Bergen wasn’t sure if she wanted to do another season of “Murphy Brown.” A spokesman for the aging star says the idea for the next season is bring it back to its roots and rejuvenate the program. When asked how the spokesman said, “Candice plans to bathe in the blood of virgins.”

Hollywood hookerlady Heidi Fleiss, who will be sentenced today on federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering, testified that she was “young and stupid and..wrong”. And crazy and creepy and criminal and mysoginist and icky. Icky, Icky lady. “I will be paying for the crimes I have committed for the rest of my life.” Literally. Maybe she was stupid for not charging more to cover her quarterly payments. Stupid, Stupid lady.

A jury resumes deliberations this week, deciding whether the cigarette industry is responsible for for the lung-cancer related death of a Florida smoker. The panel must decide whether cigarette companies have manufactured a “dangerous product.” The jury is next slated to preside over another Floridian’s suit against ExLax. “I ate the stuff, and it gave me the runs,” said the man. “I know it’s supposed to work, but Jeez.” Still pending is Tommy Lee Jones’ and Bryan Adams’ class-action suit against Clearasil.

The ninth installment of the “Star Trek” movie series is slated to roll before cameras next year. Producer Rick Berman is hush-hush about the plot, but did let slip that the story being discussed is a “high concept idea.” He went on to describe the failed first draft, where Picard and Data sat in a tastefully furnished flat discussing the works of O. Henry.

Deep Blue, the chess-playing supercomputer, was apparently made “more human” by its programmers, possessing an intuition much like our own. It went on to defeat champoin Garry Kasparov in their second match, losing the first only because it was distracted by a vacuum cleaner with “dangerous curves.” After its victory, Deep Blue took time out to thank its motherboard.

Former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe came out of retirement last week to take on his sister in an apparent domestic dispute. “She stole one of my comical books,” Bowe explained. “I had to give her the what-for.” Bowe and his sister are scheduled for a rematch next week, and the winner will decide who gets to use the remote control. Don King is set to represent the remote control to the tune of a “cool million.”

New York Mets pitcher Pete Harnish, diagnosed with depression, suited up Sunday and spent six of the nine innings in the dugout. He was going to go for seven, he explained, until he remembered the time he was turned down for the prom and had to go lie down in the showers. After the game, he was unavailable for interviews, as he was sidetracked by the concept of nuclear war. “Didn’t you ever see ‘The Day After?” he said. “It could happen, people.”

CBS celebrated its ratings victory last week with the “Dukes Of Hazard” reunion movie. The “film” scored the perrenial third-place network’s highest levels since the “Dallas” reunion several years ago. CBS is now considering jettisoning its current programming in favor of airing reruns of “Simon And Simon.”