Tomorrow, accused murderer and maggot, Charles Rathbun, and his lawyer, accused shyster and maggot, Mark Werksman, will continue their attempt to prove Rathbun's innocence in the Linda Sobek murder. Rathbun, a photographer and maggot, is accused of murdering and sexually-assaulting model Linda Sobek . A statement from the prosecution claims Rathbun, whose Delta Tau Chi name is "Maggot", drove Sobek to an isolated area, took illicit pictures of her until he got sexually excited, and then bound her legs and brutally sodomized her, before slaying the former Raiders cheerleader. Charles "the Maggot" Rathbun has pleaded not guilty. His lawyer, who studied law at Maggot U. (Ohio), will cite the OJ trial as a precedent, claiming that no matter how staggering the amount of evidence against his client, it doesn't mean a thing. Especially if you kill a blonde woman. The prosecution will present, as evidence, a bag found in Rathbun's home containing marijuana, an opened bottle of tequila, and rope and tape with strands of Sobek's hair attached to it. The defense, which features fellow in maggotdom, Mark Werksdom, plans to refute the evidence using Rathbun's claim that the sex was consensual and that Maggot accidentally hit her with his car while showing her how to do spins in his new sport utility vehicle. Apparently, according to the accused maggot, Rathbun, they were "driving around having a good time when Sobek pulls out a bottle of tequila, downs it, smokes a joint, takes tape and sticks it on her head, the car spins out of control and Linda goes flying out of the car lands in a shallow grave in the Angeles National Forest, bound, gagged, and sodomized." Mr. Maggotty Maggot Man continued, "It was just one of those crazy things. She looked so beautiful lying there on the ground I just had to rape and take pictures of her." The trial is expected to last until October 25 when everyone will come to their senses and realize, "Hey, this guy's a maggot and should be hung up by his balls and set on fire."
Baby Love 10.03.96
Tomorrow, the school board of PS 104 in Far Rockaway will reassess its sexual harassment guidelines. A seven-year-old school boy, De'Andre Dearinge, was suspended for kissing a classmate and ripping the button off her shirt. This comes only weeks after a
six-year-old boy in North Carolina was suspended for kissing a girl. In a similar case, a twenty-year old college athlete raped a girl, but was not suspended because he had ten rebounds, two assists, and 13 points.
Nothing from Nothing Leaves Nothing 10.03.96
The summit between Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat concluded yesterday with a multitude of ground-breaking agreements. Among the agreement (not a typo) made, was the assurance that they would talk again, and that...
Well, they did agree to talk again.
Upon returning to Israel, Netanyahu was cheered by pro-rightwing Israelis who lined the street as his motorcade drove by. The aforementioned Israelis were apparently impressed with Netanyahu's uncanny ability to not accomplish anything and his commitment to protracted and worthless bloodshed. Upon hearing this, Bob Dole announced his intention to run for President of Israel. When Mr. Dole found out that he a.) did not qualify to lead Israel and b.) there is no election going on there, Mr. Dole reportedly said, "that's just what happens when you have a liberal for president."
Yasser Arafat sought a deadline for the withdrawal of Israeli troops and the closing of the tourist tunnel which is located near a Muslim holy site in Jerusalem. Benjamin "The Humanitarian" Netanyahu offered a compromise wherein they would give no deadline and not close the tunnel, but instead would kindly "laugh in your bearded devil face". Israeli television is reporting that the Israeli army is preparing for a "worst case scenario" not realizing that the "worst case scenario" already occurred in an election six months ago.
President Clinton, who played an integral role in the summit, said to the people of the Middle East, "Please, please, give us a chance to make this thing work in the days ahead." An unnamed source standing somewhere near the Dole camp overheard an alleged one-armed former Senator say, "Please, please, keep killing each other until November." Ross Perot reportedly said, "Please, please, make the voices stop!" James Brown sang "Please, Please, Please," and The Beatles wrote "Please, Please Me."
The A-Hole Word 10.03.96
Former police detective and current racist Mark Fuhrman pleaded No Contest to a charge of perjury relating to the O.J. Simpson criminal trial. During the protracted media circus sideshow, Fuhrman testified that he hadn't used the "N" word at anytime in the previous decade. It turns out that he has used the word "nigger", or ("N" word), many times. In fact, a tape, made during a series of conversations between Fuhrman and an aspiring screenwriter (the "Who Isn't?" word) the features Fuhrman saying the word "nigger" (or "N" word) at least 41 times, even discussing the joys of beating and torturing suspected "niggers" (or suspected "N" words). When Fuhrman found out about the tape, he was overheard saying the "F" word, the "S" word, the "GD" word, and the "SOB" word. One can assume, perhaps wrongly as one often does, that he has also used words like "kike" (or "K" word), "mick" (or "M" word), and "spic" (or "S" word, a different "S" word, of
course). Strangely enough, one didn't assume that he has also used words like "frog" (or "F" word; once again, another "F" word), Eskimo (the "E" word), or Towel Head (the Sand "N" word). Fuhrman is aware that pleading No Contest to lying about saying the "N" word (or "nigger") is the legal equivalent of admitting guilt (or the "G" word) to saying "nigger" (or the "N" Word). Fuhrman avoids prison, but will be on probation for three years under the terms of the plea bargain (or Travesty of Justice).
Scooby Doobie Dole 10.04.96
A man wearing a business suit and a Bob Dole mask robbed the First National Bank in Wheaton, a Chicago suburb, on Thursday, according to the FBI. After demanding cash, the man told the teller "don't forget to vote," as he fled the scene. He also said that Clinton has a bad policy on drugs, and that Clinton may have convened the Middle East summit to help get re-elected. He also hoped the Brooklyn Dodgers would beat the Braves.
A car chase ensued when a group of kids traveling in a van with the words "Mystery Machine" painted on the side pursued the suspect after they witnessed the robbery. They caught the man and waited for police to arrive. The police pulled off the robber's Bob Dole mask revealing the real robber, Bob Dole. He said he was just trying to show that President Clinton doesn't have a handle on crime prevention, adding "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids."
The Royal Shaft 10.07.96
The Royal family is having its share of problems this week. Prince Charles, or as he likes to be called, The Prince formally known as Charles, has terminated his private secretary for what some believe are public relation mistakes involving the Prince's relationship with Camilla Parker-Bowles, or as she likes to be called, The Woman formerly known as Home Wrecker.
Richard Aylard will sadly leave his job after eleven years with the Prince. Aylard, who always encouraged royal openness, is thought to be behind Charles' confession of adultery. He was also blamed for trying to improve the image of Parker-Bowles in the British Press by painting her not as a mistress, but as more of a horn dog who couldn't help herself. For some reason, this backfired. Nobody has been named as Aylard's replacement, but there is talk that Morris Day is up for the job.
At the other end of the castle, the Queen has made an offer to Fergie, the Duchess of York. The Queen would pay off Fergies' debts, in return Fergie would give custody of the children to Prince Andrew. She would also be stripped of her title and have to abandon plans to tell all in her book. The Duchess found herself under more stress when the Queen's horse-faced sister Margaret sent Fergie a letter,writing," You have done more to bring shame to the family than ever imagined." Except for that beheading thing, and that whole almost-siding-with-the-Nazis part, and that our-royal-surgeon-is-Jack-the-Ripper bit. Maybe those were a little more shameful than having your toes sucked, but only a little.
Pay off your debts, or lose your children and title? What's Fergie going to do? Sophie had an easier choice.
Dirty Diana 10.08.96
A video showing Princess Diana and her lover James Hewitt was shown on British television Tuesday in the latest of many royal scandals. The eighty second surveillance film confirms Diana's suspicions that someone had been spying on her during the break up of her marriage, and confirms British suspicions that Diana likes the "hog", as the British are wont to say. Sky Television broadcast the video which shows Diana in cycling pants and sports bra ironically riding the back of Hewitt, a cavalry officer, like a dirty pony. British citizens were thrilled at seeing the tape on British television. "It was either that or another rerun of Benny Hill," said one rotten-toothed Brit. Diana was devastated by the tape, and demanded she get the tape back so she could go through the video and take out any scenes that make her look fat.
Fuhr Man Of Lamancha 10.09.96
Former Detective Mark Fuhrman has issued a public apology for using racial slurs. As you may or may not recall, his use of the slurs was one of the main reasons O.J. "Juice" Simpson's jury acquitted him of double murder. Fuhrman said in a taped interview for ABC's 'Prime Time', "I'm apologizing from the bottom of my heart for creating pain where pain wasn't necessary." He did not, however, apologize for turning a trial about the deaths of two innocent human beings into mediated therapy for his personal problems as a racist cop and potential bad screenwriter. Having heard Fuhrman's apology, African- Americans around the country forgave him and invited him over for dinner. Fuhrman declined the invitation saying, "I just don't like fried chicken."
Being Popular Is Murder 10.10.96
The search is on for two small-town, upstate New York high school cheerleaders believed to have been murdered. A neighbor, John Andrews, was arrested on Tuesday and is being held without bail on charges of kidnapping, but police say they don't have enough evidence to charge him for murder. Andrews, for his part, has refused to help authorities with the search.
Andrews is a computer lathe operator who was dishonorably discharged from the Air Force after he burglarized an apartment and assaulted a woman with a barbell. Of course, just because he hit a woman over the head with a barbell, it doesn't mean he killed the girls. It merely implies that he can't control his anger, especially with women. Well, not just women, young girls in short skirts, jumping up and down, not wanting him over and over again. And just because he was in the military service, it doesn't mean he has a penchant for violence and a disrespect for women. Well, not just women, young girls in short skirts, jumping up and down, not wanting him over and over again.
Andrews spent three years in prison for his crimes. If proven guilty of murder, he'll probably get one year.
What Do You Feed A 45 Pound Python? Anything He Wants 10.10.96
A teen-ager was found dead in his Bronx home with his 45-pound pet python wrapped around him. A neighbor suspected something was wrong when he saw the 19-year-old boy bleeding and lying unconscious halfway outside of his apartment doorway. The police said a full investigation would be needed to see if the snake had really killed the man and are planning to bring in the investigative team from TWA flight 800. Tomorrow, police begin questioning the boy's pet scorpion, his pet alligator, his pet tornado, and Mark Fuhrman.
Don't Do The Crime If You Can't Do The Time 10.14.96
The Drug-Induced Rape Prevention and Punishment Act of 1996 has been signed into law by President Clinton today. It makes the use of Rohypnol, "the date rape drug" used to incapacitate a rape victim, a felony offense. The law also applies to other illegal drugs. However, the letter of the law is vague regarding legal drugs like sleeping pills, valium, and alcohol. The new act says absolutely nothing about the proven aphrodisiac of aspirin in a girl's coke.
Clinton says the law cracks down on "criminals who employ illegal drugs in a sick attempt to facilitate their crime". What's happening? Remember when rape was a pure act of violence and drugs had nothing to do with it. Drugs are destroying America. Nothing is sacred anymore. Not even rape.
"Under the new law, possession of more than one gram of the drug can lead to up to 20 years and a fine up to $1 million dollar." So listen up potential rapists: don't use Roofies, you can get less time if you just commit the rape.
Ethics Schmethics 10.14.96
Yesterday on "Meet the Press," The Republicans announced that tomorrow they will launch criminal and Congressional and criminal Congressional investigations. The Republicans raised the issue of ethics, enacting their new "Pot Calling the Kettle Black Policy." Newt Gingrich said they will be looking into an Indonesian businessman's $425,000 contribution to the Democratic Party. Gingrich said, "This makes Watergate look trivial." Watergate, in case you forgot, was the scandal where The Republicans got caught breaking into Democratic Headquarters and stealing documents. The same scandal where The Republican President at the time resigned to avoid impeachment and all his cronies were either indicted, incarcerated, or "suicides". Gingrich said nothing about how this new scandal would make Iran-Contra look. (Iran-Contra, in case you forgot, was the scandal where The Republicans sold drugs for money to buy guns to arm rightwing rebels, and sometimes sold guns to buy more guns to arm rightwing rebels, and sometimes sold guns to buy drugs to buy better guns to arm different rightwing rebels. The same scandal where The Republican President at the time showed the first signs of Alzheimer's disease and his cronies were indicted, acquitted, or "suicides".) On "This Week with David Brinkley," Jack Kemp accused the Clintonista White House of abusing power, citing "Travelgate and Filegate". He also cited Floodgate, Gardengate, Christina Applegate, Goldengate, Colgate, The Pearly Gates, Tailgate, Delegate, Subjugate, and Bill Gates.
L'Afrique, C'est Chic 10.15.96
Warren Christopher took a trip to Africa last week in an effort to organize an all-African force to deal with conflicts on the dark continent. America is now drawing heavy criticism from the French, who are running low on things to le bitch about, and they have to be le complaining about something.
According to Jacques Godfrain (pronounced Jack-ass), resolving African conflicts is usually a French concern. Godfrain even suggested that this trip was an election ploy on the part of Clinton, because we all know how important Africa is to Americans. In rebuttal, Christopher announced that the US decided that an African army outfitted with French bread, Jerry Lewis movies and poor hygiene would not be effective. There also is no real need for Africans to learn how to surrender to Germany.
The French seem to believe that Americans don't belong in Africa, and they are probably right. Let's leave Africa to the people Africa belongs to: The French, The Dutch, The British, The Portuguese and The Belgians. America has never had a need to occupy Africa. We just had the Africans shipped to us.
Televised L-triptophayne 10.15.96
The final debate of the 1996 election is tomorrow, and, like most of America, we here at SC Headlines & News are dreading the coma-like state we will be put in as a result of the blather that will be put out over the airwaves. If only they had a V-chip for that! To save you the trouble of actually watching the debate (although if you do, make sure not to operate heavy machinery directly after watching), we are printing a partial transcript of tomorrow's debate. For a full transcript, make 10 photocopies of a partial transcript and place them back to back.
Q: The deficit is a big issue. How will you handle an escalating deficit while still meeting the fiscal needs of important government programs?
Clinton: Actually the deficit has gone down in my four years as president. I think we must stay the course. I've done a lot of good things.
Dole: Clinton smoked pot.
Q: What about education?
Clinton: I have a lot of ideas for programs, including tax incentives, more money for Pell grants. Dole actually wants to cut education, in fact, as a Senator he tried to
cut funding for schools.
Dole: I was in the war.
Q: Mr. Dole, What about the character issue? How important is this to the running of a country?
Dole: ....
Q: Mr. Dole?
Dole: ....
Q: Mr. Dole!!!
Dole: Uhhh!!! I'm sorry I fell asleep.
Q: Mr. Clinton, what do you think of the so called "character issue?"
Clinton: I have a lot of ideas for programs, including tax incentives, more money for Pell grants. Dole actually wants to cut education, in fact, as a Senator he tried to
cut funding for schools.
Q: Mr. Dole?
Dole: Could someone change my diaper?
Q: This year, for the first time in recent memory, possibly the first time ever, the police have thrown support behind a Democrat. How do you explain that?
Dole: Liberal cops!
Q: He has also gained the support of many small businesses who see his presidency as a good thing for the economy.
Dole: Every one knows Big Business is run by the liberals.
Q: Mr. President?
Clinton: I'd just like to say I have a lot of programs.
Q: Closing remarks?
Clinton: I want to build a bridge to the 21st century, and I want to assign a committee to build it so that it costs three times as much as it should and is only wide enough for one car at a time.
Dole: Where am I?
Come On Baby, Light My Mennorah 10.16.96
A Brooklyn rabbi and his assistant were arrested and charged with non-consensual contact for allegedly groping a fifteen-year-old girl. The incident took place on a flight from Melbourne, Australia to Los Angeles, America.
The rabbi's lawyer Rex Beaber said that the government brought on the charges for "political reasons." Is this just another example of the Jews being persecuted by an unfriendly and anti-Semetic world? Catholic priests, Episcopalean priests, hell, priests of Satan do it all the time, but the minute a Jew gets involved, it becomes a bad thing.
But I digress. If convicted, the rabbi faces a six month sentence and a $5,000 fine. The rabbi's assistant has already been sentenced to 22 months for the sexual abuse. The girl has become an atheist and faces a life of shame, humiliation, and therapy sessions.
The lawyer for the accused said the rabbi was so orthodox that "his religion prevented him from shaking hands with a woman." I guess through extrapolation, this implies that there is no way the rabbi could've groped the girl. Plus the girl wasn't kosher. The rabbi's lawyer Rex Beaber emphatically stated that his client isn't guilty. Being a Jew, he feels guilty, but he's not.
Louie, Louie 10.16.96
On the first year anniversary of the Million Man March, Nation of Islam Leader and calypso singer Louis Farrakhan has been defending his world tour of Cuba, Iraq, Iran, Nigeria, and Sudan in the media. Farrakhan has accused the media of purposefully miscalculating the number of countries he has visited in an attempt by representatives of the Gutter Religion to cast shame on the black man. But just the black man, mind you. Women were not allowed.
Responding to accusations leveled by Vice-President and cardboard cutout Al Gore, who called Farrakhan "un-American" for showing support to hostile countries, Louie has expressed that his visits to these countries can, in fact, benefit American blacks. SC Headlines & News has procurred a copy of Farrakhan's notes:
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein could help out with the dreadful state of inner-city public schools in this country. Not Iraq, but the US. The Kuwait-invading despot and ladies man would bring a breath of fresh air to this country's (US, not Iraq) school system as head of the Department of Education, or "Secretary of Education". Hussein is just the no-nonsense, kick-ass-and-take-names kind of guy we need as the Principal of the U.S, Remember to rent "Lean On Me". Saddam spelled backwards is Maddas.
[Farrakhan's notes include a doodle of a box and a naked woman and the word "Cuba" spelled out in bubbles.]
Cuban President Fidel Castro is a perfect choice as this country's (US, not Cuba) Drug Czar. Drugs and gang violence have inundated urban black communities. This country (not Cuba, US) needs someone intimately familiar with drugs and violence, and who knows better than a leader in Cuba? Plus, I really like Cuban cigars, and wouldn't it be great if they were legal again. Muammar Gaddafi is the perfect choice to re-invent our welfare system. I am a little unclear as to why, although there is something about loving a man in uniform, especially when he looks like an Italian porn star.
[This is followed by a phone number and the name Trixie in another person's handwriting.] Speaking further of the trip, Farrakhan said, " There has never been a black leader that was so honored and respected by heads of state and governments as Louis Farrakhan". The Nation of Islam did not comment on the good Minister's apparent megalomania, but did issue a press release stating that Muhammed Ali, Julian Bond, and Martin Luther King, Jr. never existed.
Our Friends South of The Border And Their Eating Habits 10.16.96
A movement in El Rincon San Ildefonso, Mexico, to improve nutrition in poor areas is underway. The pilot program will enrich with soy, vitamins and minerals the corn flour used in making tortillas. This new social program will not only help with malnutrition, but with the making of the tortillas themselves. Usually the women grind the corn by hand, but now the corn flour will be produced in high tech plants making the tortillas more nutritious and taking away the one job that the village women have. This, of course, fulfills what every great social program is meant to do: it puts Mexican women on welfare. The program is working: the children eating the fortified tortillas are getting stronger. . . and they need their strength to work in the high tech plants.
Tomorrow, the FDA and several major food manufacturers will announce similar plans to combat malnutrition in the United States. Twinkies will now be fortified with vitamins A and D. Not only will they be a delicious treat, but they're a part of the four basic food groups. Pork Rinds will be fortified with calcium to help build strong teeth and bones. Chocolate bars will be fortified with vitamin C to give you more energy and help prevent colds. Eating lard sandwiches, unfortunately, will still be bad for you.
Good Thing She Didn't Swallow 10.17.96
In Britain today, a woman lost her husband's sperm. A judge barred Diane Blood from using her husband's semen for artificial insemination. Blood and her husband had been trying for a year to have a baby when he died from meningitis. The sperm was taken from him while he was on life support.
How do you get sperm from a man on life support? Very carefully.
"The hospital was hands-on with this patient. It was hard at first, but we finally managed to get it" said a fictional nurse.
The judge understood that this was a sticky situation, but ruled against Blood because her husband had not given written consent. I'm no legal expert, but I think we can safely say that her husband probably wouldn't mind if she used his sperm to create a child to carry on the family name. I don't even think he'd mind what she used it for, considering that a.) they're married and b.) he's dead. What else would he have wanted to do with it anyway? Maybe he'd rather his seed give a command performance for the Queen, or fall into the hands of some evil cloning cult, or perhaps just be made into a nice paper weight. As it stands now, the sperm is sitting in a freezer awaiting an appeal. In a related story, Diane Blood's biological clock is ticking.
Nice legal system, England.
Boilermaker Blows His Top 10.17.96
An underclassmen at Purdue University armed himself with a shotgun and took the life of his counselor, as well as his own, after the counselor had accused him of cocaine possession. The shooting apparently came in response to the counselor's advice to "find out what it is you really want to do and then just do it. Even if that means shooting me at point blank range with a shotgun." The happy news is that the student's roommate will receive all A's this semester, because of the new grief rule. University officials will soon begin interviewing the 530 students who claim to have been the student's roommate.
Hmm. I Wonder Who's Going To Win? 10.17.96
The final debate of the 1996 campaign took place Wednesday night in a townhall-style meeting televised from San Diego. According to spindoctors from within the Dole camp, the President, Bill Clinton, looked "worried." "Worried" is an obscure Greek word meaning "amused at the pathetic old man." Mr. Dole made an attempt early in the debate to raise the issue of "character" ("character" is an obscure word from the Middle High English meaning "the last hope of the desperate") but was forced off the subject when the audience continued to ask irrelevant questions about the economy, education, and crime.
Old Grump Dole seemed visibly irritated when he didn't get questions he liked and even chided the audience in his closing remarks saying, "I wish there were more questions about foreign policy. It's an important subject." Mr. Dole then suggested that they have another debate where only he could ask all the questions and Mr. Clinton could only respond when addressed as "King of the Liars."
This debate, as we all know, is the last of the scheduled debates as was agreed to by both political camps. Despite this fact, Dole continued to suggest that perhaps they would debate again. Mr. Dole tried to justify another debate by utilizing the little known "do overs" rule which applies in tetherball or in cases of gross incompetence.
Fara-can-can 10.17.96
Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam leader, organizer of the Million Man March, humanitarian, and rumored co-conspirator in the assassination of Malcolm X, had some bad things to say about America. Farrakhan, in an address he dubbed the "World's Day of Atonement", said the United States leads the world in murder, rape, crime, drug addiction and prostitution. Echoing the words of the great Farrakhan, the USA denied being the world leader in murder, rape, crime, drug addiction and prostitution, but admitted to creating the atmosphere that led to murder, rape, crime, drug addiction and prostitution. Farrakhan also said that Americans were the most unrefined, uncultured, and bestial people on the Earth. This is in comparison to the highly cultured and sophisticated way Malcolm X was filled with lead. If only we could be so pure.
Give My Regards to John Holmes 10.17.96
The restriction of x-rated businesses in New York City takes effect in a little over a week, but adult-entertainment shops are not making any effort to move or shut down. Apparently, a majority of the business owners have joined the New York Civil Liberties Union in order to sue the city for violating the constitutional right of free speech, which they feel applies just as much to dildoes as it does to flag burning. The fine purveyors of marital aids like the King Salmon and Suzi the Inflatable Doll of Love feel persecuted by the City of New York who is trying to clean up Time's Square by sending filth merchants to outlying areas. The peep show proprietors believe that moving will definitely effect their profitablity. "We just don't think that the people in Hell's Kitchen need a leather face mask at two in the morning like the people on 42nd Street do."
My Lunch With Lorena 10.18.96
Ecuador's President Abdala Bucaram, who recently cut a compact disc, and Lorena Bobbitt, who not so recently cut off her abusive husband's penis, had lunch today. They laughed and talked while feeding on a buffet of link sausage, bananas, and corn dogs.
Lorena said she felt, "flattered by this generous reception. I never imagined myself next to an important dignitary." If only women had known that slashing off your husband's jive in an uncontrolled fit of rage could lead to successfully schmoozing with political bigwigs, Geraldine Ferraro would have said later skater to John Zaccaro's tater in 1984. Bucaram presented Bobbitt with a copy of his recording A Madman in Love and his country's Gilded Scissors Award for Freedom, saying, "Meeting you in person is a high honor. You are a person who knows how to defend her principles and values. Your presence in the world has meant a lot for the freedom of women." We shall overcome!
Is There A Doctor in The Big House? 10.18.96
Jack "Dr. Death" Kevorkian has performed yet another assisted suicide, his medical specialty. It's the 43rd assisted suicide Kervorkian is known to have participated in since he began trying to beat the old record set by the Bubonic Plague in the 13th Century. Kervorkian had met with the woman in her hotel on Wednesday night and upon leaving was stopped by the police in the motel parking lot. Apparently, Kervorkian's van had a busted taillight.
The woman, 55-years-old and confined to a wheel chair because of debilitating Lou Gehrig's disease, was in her room when police ordered the hotel manager to open the door without warrant, because of little known Michigan law that reads "it's not bad enough that she's about to die, but she should have her rights violated too."
The Princess and The Prayer 10.21.96
The royal family has removed Princess Diana from the daily prayers in the British parliament. Discussions between parliamentary authorities and the palace resulted in the change. Up until now, the prayer asked God to bless both the Prince and Princess and the Queen and now it only refers to Charles, Prince of Wales and the Queen. There was talk of including Diana separately in the prayer, which would have said, "God Bless Charles, Prince of Wales, Diana, Princess of Wales and whore/cheating wife/ bad mother and binge eater...And the Queen.” In the end this idea was scrapped and instead the new prayer includes the Royal Family, the wealthy and the old bald guy from Benny Hill.
Cokey The Clown 10.22.96
Federal agents in Mexico discovered more than three tons of cocaine in the Southern state of Oaxaca, Monday. The 3,228 packages of cocaine weighing 7,156 pounds were being transported by a traveling circus.
The bust began as a routine speeding ticket, when one of the clown cars was pulled over by Mexican police officers. The two officers asked the passengers to step out of their vehicle, which evidently took thirty minutes. After all 68 clowns were out, an inspection of the car found 3000 packages of the cocaine.
The clowns attempted to escape by attacking the officers with seltzer bottles and confetti. Federal agents, or federalis, arrived on the scene and gained control of the situation. A full search of the entire circus was conducted. The remaining 228 packages of contraband were found in several different places: 2 packages in the bearded lady's beard, 50 in the strong man's underwear, 62 in the snake charmer's turban, and 114 up an elephants butt (the agent who discovered those has been given an honorary medal from the Mexican government).
My Struggle 10.23.96
Filthy idiot racist and Australian town mayor Peter Davis told reporters, "If you are a child of a mixed race...Asian-Caucasian or aboriginal-white, you are a mongrel and that's what happens when you cross dogs or whatever." This well thought out comment was met by the entire Adelaide town council walking out when Davis wouldn't resign. Davis was quoted as saying he used the word "mongrel" in the same context as one would use the word bastard to describe illegitimate children, or as one might use the endearment "filthy Slav dogs" to describe people of Eastern European descent or the equally complimentary "crack addicted, welfare milking, crypto-homeless scum" to describe Democrats. Davis, in an attempt to defend himself further said, "I'm not a racist, I don't believe I'm superior to a person of another culture..." He was quoted saying this from a bunker deep beneath the ground and he screamed orders to his new cabinet composed of two dingos and a koala, as he planned to invade Poland and annex Czechoslavakia.
The Republican Party Knows How To Party 10.23.96
The loincloth-clad rock-guitar legend and Motor City Madman Ted Nugent swung in on a rope at a rally for presidential nominee Bob Dole. Bob Dole is currently on his own "Intensities in Ten Cities" junket. Nugent, who has definite Republican ideals, spoke at the rally, "There's a lot of [motherf***in'] people that have the Republican attitude that are seldom heard from." Nugent implored the audience to, "put their motherf***kin' hands together" and "show Uncle Bobby how much Troy motherf***in' Michigan can rock-and-f***kin' roll!" Then, Uncle Ted killed an elk with a bow and arrow, played "Free-for-All", and sued U2 for stealing the riff to "Hibernation".
The Atrocious Theodocious supports Dole's anti-drug stance. "I've busted more hippies than all the narcs in North America." Although no one knows exactly when the Nuge became deputized, it is widely known that he is anti-drug. His pro-"Cat Scratch Fever" stance has not changed since the 70's.
The crowd did not respond well to Nugent because they were too old and too dumbfounded to react. Although this isn't true, but wouldn't it be great if it was, Liddy Dole apparently was enamored by the rocker when he referred to her as "Little Miss Dangerous." An imaginary reporter that really didn't interview Dole claims Dole's reaction to Nugent was positive: "I'll take all the support I can get, but what did he mean by Wang Dang Sweet Poontang?"
Our Fault 10.23.96
Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo is convinced drug smuggling is the number one threat to his country's national security. The assassinations of seven federal prosecutors in Tijuana have prompted the President to cite just how serious the problem has become. He is laying the blame on the U.S. for making smuggling so lucrative, due to the high demand for drugs in this country. He hinted that if the U.S. wasn't here, Mexico would be a lot better off. A spokesperson for President Zedillo said, "Mexico would be a safer place if we could just keep our drugs at home." The U.S. is reaping the fruits of our labor." The Mexican government is also releasing reports that the U.S is responsible for the country's devastating earthquake of 1985. It seems they are calling it an aftershock from a San Francisco quake in 1906.
The United States has issued a statement calling Zedillo's remarks an insult to this country, especially the parts of this country we took from them. The US cited that, if anything, Mexico owes millions of U.S. citizens an apology for all that diarrhea.
Do You Have Any Carry-on Luggage? 10.24.96
A seminary student at St. Tikhon in Pennsylvania was arrested when he tried to board a plane at Tampa Airport with an arsenal of weapons. He was carrying a duffle bag that contained a 9 mm pistol, hand grenades, bomb making equipment, a ski mask, gloves and a crossword puzzle book.. Apparently, the student, Roman Regman, is unaware that they have X-ray machines at the airport. Regman will plead guilty to four counts of possession. A search of his apartment found an AK-47, a silencer and other explosives. When asked what he planned to do with the weapons he replied, "Oh, nothing."
Assistant Attorney David Rhodes said a motive for Regman's actions has not been established. With an armory like that, there's a good chance he's up to no good, but that's just me. He probably just needs to talk to someone, like a member of the clergy. Oh, wait, he is a member of the clergy. Then maybe he should just talk to himself, but that's probably how all this began in the first place. "How are me? Okay. A little sad, maybe we should go on a trip? Wait, we should load up the bag with our special cookies. You take the left arm, I'll take the right arm."
Welunfare. Get It? 10.24.96
A new study done by the government shows that welfare recipients are not necessarily more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than the general population. The study does indicate, however, that welfare recipients are way more likely to abuse Mac-N-Cheese and Top Ramen. The study shows that between 3.8 and 9.8 percent of welfare recipients use drugs as opposed to the 5.1 percent of those not on welfare. Hopefully under the Republican-engineered and Clinton-approved Welfare Reform program, we can get mothers off the welfare and back on the pipe. This study contradicts an earlier study that showed a high rate of abuse by welfare mothers, although, the research staff was reportedly on the pipe themselves. In a related story, most bartenders agree that those on welfare rarely order martinis, Rob Roys, Manhattans, and pharmaceutical grade cocaine.
OJ, First Blood II 10.24.96
The sequel to the O.J. trial has gotten underway. Opening statements are being given and tomorrow Daniel Petrocelli (not the fictional character played by Barry Newman) Goldman (not an actual man made of gold) family lawyer, says he plans to prove Simpson (not the fictional cartoon family) to be a killer and a liar. Petrocelli has a tough job ahead of him. Proving Number 32 is a killer and a liar is almost as hard as proving that pigs can't fly or that the LAPD beat Rodney King. Wait, that was hard. Petrocelli says the new jury (not the insane blind people that acquitted Simpson) will get to see all the evidence (not the stuff allegedly planted by Fuhrman) that didn't make it into last year's proceedings including a photograph of Simpson wearing the same brand of shoes that left footprints at the crime scene, a taped police interview of O.J., the letter he wrote before the Bronco fugitive-from-justice act, and a copy of his new book, "How To Kill Your Wife Without Really Trying" or " Racism: Your One-way Ticket To Freedom."
The Pope Gives Opposable Thumb Thumbs Up! 10.25.96
Catholic apes rejoice, you can now go to heaven. Pope John Paul II is standing upright and proclaiming that evolution is, "more than just a theory." The Pontiff without a prehensile tail, emphasized that the human soul is not subject to evolutionary theory, but that the soul is a divine creation. His Holiness didn't indicate whether this divine creation used to swing from trees and throw its own feces as a personal greeting.
In a message the Pope wrote to the Roman Catholic Church body of experts, Mr. Vatican said that the theory of evolution is completely compatible with the Christian faith. "We've done a lot of chest-beating on this issue, and quite frankly, I think it's time we stop monkeying around."
A spokesman for The Charles Darwin Society , Lancelot Link Secret Chimp, had no comment but scratched his butt and picked the ticks off his head.
Paying For Love in All The Wrong Places 10.25.96
A high-priced escort sued a wealthy gun dealer and won $11,000 in damages. The woman, Stacey Miller, claimed that the man, Michael Zerin, assaulted her and married her under false pretenses, not necessarily in that order. Perhaps Miller thought he was paying her $500 an hour because he loved her. Nothing says love quite like five Ben Franklins!
Zerin, for his part, claimed Miller slipped him a mickey and tricked him into marrying her. The wedding video showed a glassy-eyed Zerin saying "I do", proving, without a shadow of a doubt, that Zerin was coerced. Nobody who gets married in Vegas is drugged and glassy-eyed. He says he was shocked the next morning when Stacey looked at him and said "Guess what? We're married!" As it turns out, Zerin is already married and didn't want to hurt his family by committing bigamy. Not to mention, breaking the law. Although he was opposed to bigamy, Zerin had nothing to say about adultery with a $500-an-hour escort.
Riotous Indignation 10.25.96
A riot erupted in St. Petersburg, Florida when white police officers shot a black driver during a traffic stop. Apparently, two officers stopped the car, the car lurched forward hitting one officer,then the other officer shot the driver. Not the tires, which would render the car motionless, but the driver, rendering him motionless. You would think that he would have shot the tires, I mean, they're black too, but no, he shot the driver, instead. The police say the man was trying to run them down. People from the neighborhood said he was shot for no reason, which is unusual because ordinarily people from predominately black, high-crime areas and white police officers get along swimmingly.
Weird Science 10.25.96
SC Headlines and News reported yesterday that Bob Dole had requested Ross Perot to pull out of the race and throw his support behind the Republicans. Perot responded to the request by calling it "weird and inconsequential." Things are amiss in American politics when H. Ross Perot calls anyone "weird". If that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. Or as Ross Perot put it, "You can't have a cricket match without two British guys named Ian, a basset hound, and the little gnome that lives in my shirt pocket."
With only a few weeks until the November 5 election deadline, Dole is trailing by double digits in most nationwide polls. Just how bad are things going for Brooklyn Bob? Clinton actually has a chance of winning Texas. Texas! The last time a Democrat won Texas it was due in part to Davy Crockett delivering the "Alamo vote."
I’ve Got A Splitting Headache! 10.28.96
A man in Brazil has been hospitalized for ten days with a knife lodged in his brain. Sidney de Queiroz remains conscious, but the right side of his body is paralyzed. He is doing well, considering the fact he has a knife in his head. An anonymous nurse has told reporters he can't stop thinking of cutlery. Fortunately the knife is on the right side, the proper position for a place setting. He received his injury during a bar brawl when he was stabbed between his right eye and the bridge of the nose. The X-rays show the knife visible inside the man's skull. Doctor's won't confirm whether or not O.J.'s prints are on the knife. Doctors say that it may be to dangerous to remove the knife but they're, "willing to take a stab at it." If all else fails, they may leave the knife wedged in his brain, which would be great because than he doesn't have to come up with a costume for Halloween...He can simply go as himself.
Giving New Meaning To Almost Hard News 10.28.96
Calls to sex hot lines by several randy employees of Romania's central bank and broadcast authority have cost the state institution millions. The calls were made mainly by guards on long shifts. The guard's activities were discovered after phone bills for the company had risen by tens of thousands of dollars.
Erotic phone sex lines were introduced in Romania in February at a cost of about 75 cents a minute. When questioned about the phone fiasco, an official was quoted as saying, "This is a surprise. Our guards are very hard workers. Most haven't missed a day since February. Many have even volunteered to stay an extra hour or two or three without extra pay. They're very dedicated to their jobs."
In a seemingly unrelated story, many guards have been complaining of job-related injuries including loss of vision, carpel-tunnel syndrome, and even one strange case of hair growing on the palms.
Jewell in Denial 10.29.96
No, it's not Kelsey Grammer talking about his time at Betty Ford, it's Richard Jewell describing the nightmare of being accused of planting a bomb at Olympic Park. With his mother and lawyers standing close by, Jewell gave a ten-minute nationally televised news conference just days after the FBI cleared him of all suspicions. His lawyers said they are targeting NBC-TV, Tom Brokaw, and Atlanta Journal Constitution newspaper for defamation. The Jewell legal team are also thinking of suing the Federal Government, but according to a government source, "they can go ahead and try, but you can't get blood from a turnip." The team is also considering suing a tobacco company but only because every one else is.
The news conference is just the beginning of Jewel's "88 Days of Hell" World Tour and press junket. Jewell will be featured in a Michael "Roger and Me" Moore's documentary. There is talk of books and movies deals also pending. Could Jewel be tempted by the shimmering lights of Tinsel Town?
"I felt like a hunted animal, followed constantly, waiting to be killed," Jewell stated in a cleverly quipped soundbite, as he sipped Pelligrino while waiting to lunch with Hollywood producers and psychic advisors. "Every waking minute afraid I would be arrested and charged with a horrible crime I did not commit," Jewell said as paparazzi flashbulbs temporarily blinded him.
Ned Beatty is, but not really, being considered to play Jewell in one of the many movie-of-the-week versions of "88 Days of Hell." Andrew Lloyd Webber is, but not really, toying with music, but Tim Rice hasn't said whether he'd write the book for the West End musical "88 Days of Hell-o Dolly!" There is, but not really, a sitcom in the works, with the Richard Jewell character as the wacky neighbor who gets blamed for everything. Merchandising is only in the planning stages, although sources at my favorite Hollywood silk-screener has shown me a prototype of a T-shirt with the slogan "The FBI Accused Me of Bombing and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt".
Kung Pao Foot 10.29.96
A New York podiatrist has admitted luring Medicaid patients to her office with free Chinese food. After performing unnecessary x-rays and services at a phony clinic, Joanne Conte would force Medicaid to pay the bill. The 35-year-old Conte served up a tempting array of specials: #28 - two egg rolls, soup and bunion removal $3.99. #2 - sweet and sour pork with removal of two or more planters' warts. #56 - full dinner for five with three or more toe x-rays (just to list a few). Authorities got suspicious when patients began complaining that an hour after getting their feet worked on, they felt the need to return and get them worked on again. One patient cited that she was, "a little nervous when Conte tried to pry out my ingrown toenail with a pair of chopsticks."
A Baker's Dozen of Lies 10.30.96
Long time historical revisionist, Lillian Baker, died recently at the age of 75. Baker, who founded Americans for Historical Accuracy, is most famous for denying that Japanese-Americans were held against their will in internment camps during World War II. According to Baker, they were, "voluntary guests and free to leave as soon as they proved their loyalty." A memorial service was held Tuesday where a eulogy was given proclaiming, "Lillian Baker did not exist and the Americans for Historical Accuracy was never founded." Baker leaves behind a legacy of misinformation, bigotry, and lies as well as a rumored diary in which Baker asserts that Native Americans were never forced onto reservations but voluntarily moved to Oklahoma for bingo. Alleged selections from the rumored diary include "Jewish Holocaust? What Jewish Holocaust?" "Slavery: Cruiseships for Blacks!" and "Elvis, Still Alive."
The Pope of Westwood Village 10.30.96
Due to a lack of anything important to do, The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors have changed the title of its chairman to "county mayor." Due to a lack of anything important to object to, The Office of the Mayor of Los Angeles objects to the change. "The mayor is the mayor of Los Angeles and the title of mayor belongs on only one door, the door of Richard Riordan." said Riordan's press secretary.
Michael Antonovich, the current chairman of the Board (not Frank Sinatra), proposed the title change. Some of the proposed names that were allegedly suggested by Antonovich were; The King, The Grand Poobah, That's Mr. Potentate To You, The Duke of The Ladies and The Earl of The Girls, and His Royal Hunkness. The titles were all summarily rejected. "Mayor" was finally chosen because, "few people understand what a supervisor does, now people will have a better understanding." Even with the new name change, the county mayor will have no new responsibility or power, just like a real mayor.
1-800-SARIN 10.30.96
The Pentagon, the most helpful of all government agencies, has instated a toll free hotline for Persian Gulf War soldiers. According to a source from within the five-sided building, "the hotline has been getting more calls than 976-Hump-Me, and I ought to know, I'm an operator for both." The Pentagon set up the hotline for anyone who needs or has information about exposure to chemical weapons, but, as yet, no one at the Pentagon is talking. However, over 3,334 calls a week have been pouring in from Gulf War vets. We here at SC Headlines and News, always checking to see if our government is working for us, called the number. The following is a transcript:
SC: Hello
HL: Thank you for calling the Pentagon Hotline. All eight operators are busy now. If you have a touch-tone phone, you can expedite your call by pressing the numbers on your phone. If you have information about chemical weapons, press one. If you need information, press two. If you want to know any government secrets, press 3.
SC: Press 2
HL: You have indicated that you want information about chemical weapons. If you are in constant pain, have a nagging rash, your hair is falling out at a rapid pace, and you can't focus on anything because you were exposed to chemical warfare, all to fight a useless war to pretend to protect an evil emirate, when in actuality we were protecting our oil interests, press one. If you want general information, press 2. If you want to know how much money the Pentagon wastes, press 3.
SC: Press 2
HL: You have indicated that you want general information about chemical weapons. If you want to know the different kinds of weapons available, press one. If you want to know how to make a chemical weapon, press 2. If you want to know about governments cover-ups, press 3.
SC: Press 3
HL: Thank you for calling the Pentagon Hotline. All eight operators are busy now. If you have a touch-tone phone you can expedite your call by pressing the numbers on your phone. If you have information about chemical weapons, press one. If you need information, press two. If you want to know any government secrets, press 3.
Lucy in the Dark Skies with Diamonds 10.31.96
In response to the recent report of alien landings in Grovers' Mill, New Jersey, citizens all over the country are in a state of overwhelming panic and disbelief. Well, at least, those citizens who are aware that the news does not mean "Inside Edition"...All 200 of them.
Bill Clinton, the President of The United States of America, who screened "Independence Day" for examples on how to act presidential in the face of an apocalyptic alien invasion, showed concern that these aliens may try to join our military. While he thinks we should treat the new found life forms as equals, they are subject to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Vaporize" rule in the military.
In a related story, California Governor, Pete Wilson, held a press conference in which he was rumored to say, "I don't mean to say I told you so, but I told you so." Apparently the Republican governor was referring to the failing proposition 187, the anti-illegal alien referendum. Several aliens responded by standing in front of the paint store, waiting to do menial tasks for $4.25 an hour.
Scary, Scary, Scary And True 10.31.96
Robert Lopez of Miami, Florida, was on the Miami Lakes canal yesterday when he and his nephew discovered a suspicious box in the water. Hoping for a box of loot, the two opened the box only to find a woman's decomposing body. Lopez said, "I pulled it with a stick to get a closer look. If it's money, we're not going to call no cops." Lopez didn't tell his nephew whether he would call the cops if it was a rotting corpse, but the police were notified, so one can only assume.
"Imagine if that had been money." Lopez told the Miami Herald. Which is, of course, what everyone always thinks when they see a box in an alley, or floating around somewhere. "Hey, I bet that's loaded with cash! Whoa, nasty trash and scary crap! What a surprise! I can't believe it!"
Miami police have not been able to ascertain the woman's age or race yet. They also believe she wouldn't have wound up in the canal if she had been shipped two day air, not standard freight.
Escape From the Great Lake State 10.31.96
Volunteers in Detroit made efforts to ease tensions on the night before Halloween, traditionally known as Devil's Night. Last year, 61 fires were set in the motor city, which simply added to the trouble caused by downed power lines and traffic lights. Citizens of Detroit defended these actions by saying the fires were an effort to beautify the city. Temporary Detroit resident Damien Thorne was quoted as saying, "Hey, have you gotten a look at this town lately? A fire would be an improvement." Before he could be further quoted, he was spotted fleeing the scene with a group of figures in black robes carrying upside down crucifixes and chanting, "He has arrived! The Lord of Darkness is back among us!"
Recessive Recession 10.31.96
Bob Dole has been criticizing President Clinton's economic policies, saying that although there is growth, it is slow growth, which is a precursor to a recession. Evidently Dole has been reading excerpts from the "Frank Capra Guide to Winning The Presidency", which includes interjecting the words "swell" and "gosh" in as many speeches as possible. Dole plans to announce that this period of time, where the United States is at peace, is obviously leading to war with "the dreaded Hun" and the fact that the crime rate is dropping puts us more at risk from "those darned rum-running racketeers".
Dole opened his day in Washington by visiting the Lincoln Memorial for inspiration and a silent prayer. Onlookers said that while Dole was praying they could actually hear Lincoln mutter, "Yeah, right," followed by snickers from the Rail-Splitter. Dole then attended a rally wherein he referred to himself as a, "second Harry Truman." This comment was made in reference to the fact that Truman staged a surprising comeback against Dewey to win the election at the last minute. What was not addressed was the fact that Give 'Em Hell Harry was a Democrat, though apparently, Dole later explained his real reason for mentioning Truman was the fact that actor James Whitmore had once played him and he always liked the way the actor delivered his lines. Dole hopes to help his chances of pulling the upset, based on his assertion that Clinton is another Nixon, although Nixon also compared himself to Truman, which makes Bob Dole another Bill Clinton twice removed.
That's Chrysler...K-R-E-I-S-S-L-E-R 10.02.96
Chrysler Motors and BMW have announced that they will begin co-producing four- cylinder engines in Latin America, to be used in BMW Rovers and Chrysler Neons. Both companies are looking forward to working South of the Border; for BMW, it's a chance to locate their factories closer to where many of their executives already live, and for Chrysler, it's the opportunity to hire non-union labor for five cents an hour. The engine, which was to be known as the Axis Power Drive (not to be confused with the Master Race Cylinder), is reportedly being renamed.
Chief Roll-The-Dice 10.03.96
The Justice Department asked Congress to pass legislation that would increase federal regulation of casinos run by Indian tribes. Assistant DA Kevin Di Gregory told Senate Indian Affairs Committee that current laws left regulation of the casinos to the tribes and the states in which they are legal. Di Gregory says minimum federal standards are needed on background investigations, credit and banking requirements, licensing of key casino managers and employees, and internal financial control. An unnamed source who doesn't really exist said, "Just because we stole their land, raped their women, gave them syphilis and smallpox, separated them from society by putting them on reservations and made the quality of life so sad that alcoholism runs rampant amongst their people, doesn't mean we shouldn't have a hand in how things are run." Several key senators agreed that the situation must be addressed.
Bury My Disk at Wounded Knee 10.08.96
A leading maker of software, Computer Associates International, has agreed to pay $1.2 billion dollars for Cheyenne Software Inc. Tomorrow, the company will offer $30.50 in cash for each share of Cheyenne. The Computer Associates original offer was wampum beads and animal pelts totaling $24.00, but Cheyenne said they wouldn't fall for that old trick again. (Cheyenne Software said if anyone tried to pull any more stunts like that they would Sioux.) After the hostile bid, Computer Associates International and Cheyenne Software sat down to a meal of turkey and maize. Computer Associate spokesman, a G. Eneral Custer, took a stand against the corporate buyout, but was overruled by other members of the company. Cheyenne Company stock holders sold their stock and then asked for it back.
DragNet 10.10.96
The National Consumers' League has set up a watchdog website to help stop scams, schemes, and other consumer ripoffs in Cyberspace. One of the most popular scams on the Internet, as well as one of the most popular scams in real life, is the so-called "pyramid scheme". The pyramid scheme usually involves a group that invests in a bogus fund and are paid off by later investors. If that doesn't make sense, I'd like to send you some information about an opportunity that could make you a lot of money.
In another popular Internet scam, a "hacker" makes the words "this is a stick up" appear on the screen, a window pops up asking users to type in their credit card number and Internet password. You'd be surprised how often this works. Heh. Heh.
The non-profit league tracks web scams through a site called Internet Fraud Watch. Fraud reports are forwarded to local, state and federal authorities. Several measures are being investigated that may help curb the virtual crime problem: a five day waiting period could be required before you can purchase a modem and there is talk of an ordinance being passed to close Cyberspace down after 6:00 PM.
Haggar. The Clothing Company Not The Lovable Viking Comic Strip Character of The Same Name 10.10.96
Haggar Clothing is being flooded with complaints to remove a television ad that showed a man going back into his burning house to save his "Ultimate" pants. A Haggar Vice President apologized saying, "the ad was produced in a comedic way in which we thought was clear." In the five days since the ad first appeared, the company has received dozens of calls from professional firemen. "We try to teach children once you're out, you're out. If the commercial were real, the actor would have died," said Fire Chief Michael Shafer.
Of course, if Al Molinaro really went to people's homes to share their Encore TV dinner every night, he'd be dead from malnutrition. I guess this ad should be pulled because a lot of fat people might get the wrong idea.
If the Taster's Choice woman really invited a stranger in for coffee, they wouldn't be dating. She'd be dead. Ever heard of the Ted Bundy, lady?
If everytime men drank beer a beautiful, subservient woman appeared, almost every man in America would drink himself to death. Take this ad...wait. Maybe this
one could be kept on. I mean, what a way to go.
American Heroes 10.15.96
Archer Daniels Midland has agreed to plead guilty to charges of price fixing. The company is facing fines totaling $100 Million, which is being called a record in criminal anti-trust fines. Said one executive, "Truly this was a team effort. We couldn't have set the record without each of us giving 110%." The company is also being accused of using cash and other illicit means to steal technology from competitors.
Hey, they're not stealing it, they're paying good money for it. First they go after price fixing, and now you can't make bribes or steal technology?! Whatever happened to free enterprise? I guess that went out the window with the Constitution, huh? Fascists.
The charges made by haters of capitalism stem from The Supermarket to the World's use of the chemical lysine, a livestock feed additive, and citric acid, which is a food and beverage additive. Government agents became suspicious when they passed a lemonade stand charging $100 a glass. Fascists.
And Stop Piping in That Damn Belafonte Music! 10.16.96
Banana farmers in the Bahamas have finally called off their strike, which reportedly has cost the industry $1 million in lost revenue. An unnamed banana farmer claimed that the strike was started over unsafe working conditions, specifically an abundance of banana peels strewn about, which made the floor slippery and increasingly difficult to walk on. Workers were also reportedly tired of being hit in the face with pies for no apparant reason. Negotiations for the strike ended when daylight came and everyone wanted to go home.
On Top Of Old Smokie 10.16.96
Tomorrow, Phillip Morris will attempt to prevent the government from regulating the sale and advertising of cigarettes. President Clinton insists that FDA, a federal regulatory agency, is allowed to regulate in order to help prevent children from smoking. On the other hand, Phillip Morris and other harmless tobacco manufacturers have grown weary of the government's unabashed sidestepping of the Constitution, saying that the government has violated the First Amendment rights of freedom of speech and freedom to cough up a lung. A spokesman for the tobacco industry said "we are so sick of the government constantly complaining about how bad cigarettes are for you, that they give you cancer and emphysema, and how children shouldn't smoke, and that second hand smoke is deadly, blah blah blah, lighten up, okay?! There are many other ways to do die, why don't you pick on the them for awhile and get off my back!"
A Close Shave 10.17.96
Tomorrow, Gillette and Norelco will be cutting it up in federal court. Gillette is claiming that Norelco ads for the new Norelco electric razor were deliberately intended to slit Gillette's wrists, by harming their reputation and the reputation of their wet-shaving products. Rusty Blades, a made-up spokesman for Gillette, says Norelco's ads were a "barrage of offensive, exaggerated and distorted statements and images focused on irritation and performance."
Maybe a man with blood streaming down his face screaming, "Oh, Gillette, why do you always hurt me?" was a little much, but Norelco has since replaced the ad with pictures of competing anthropomorphic razors breathing fire and gnashing sharp teeth. "Now people are going to think Gillette razors are not inanimate objects, but evil creatures that can hurt us. I'm afraid to go back to work," said I.M. Sharp, a Gillette employee invented by us to make this joke work.
We're Here, We're Queer, We're Looking To Invest 10.18.96
The Meyers-Sheppard Pride Fund is believed to be the first mutual fund to market itself directly at homosexual men and women. The fund only deals with companies that have policies that are "gay friendly." Other funds based on personal sexual proclivities are soon on the way. The "foot fetish fund", the "chubby chaser fund", and for old-fashioned investors, the "missionary position fund" are in the works. Fund manager Shelly Meyers says 400 companies meet its gayness guidelines and 200 of those are in Standard & Poor's index of 500 stocks. The category average return is 4.56 percent. The Meyers fund has returned 4.1 percent. According to most statistics, homosexuals comprise 10% of the population.
Sexual orientations aren't the only niche markets being singled out for mutual funds. The "Tom Thumb fund" will be set up for people 5 foot and under and only has policies that are "tiny friendly." The "white power" fund only invests in companies that disgrace and humiliate people of other races, which includes most American companies working abroad. The "WB fund" only invests in companies that make bad television. Lastly, there is a "fat fund" that only invests in companies that make sandwiches.
It's A Musical And A Delightful Boutique 10.18.96
Eva Peron captured the hearts and minds of the political and fashion worlds while she was first lady of Argentina. Her memory is once again being exploited, but this time not by money-grabbing Broadway hacks who try to pass mindless drivel off as entertainment. No sir. This time the wife of the former dictator is being exploited by conspiracy-theory-spreading Hollywood hacks who try to pass off leftist diatribes as entertainment and their fashion-retailer-cohorts-in-exploitation,Bloomingdales. The department store chain is working with Hollywood Pictures/Cinergi Pictures on opening in-store boutiques inspired by the upcoming film, "Evita". The hottest sections promises to be now "Don't Cry For Me Sportswear" and "I Kept My Promise, Don't Keep Your Distance Lingerie."
Depending upon the success of the Bloomingdales experiment, there is talk of opening other in-store boutiques based on the wives and girlfriends of famous dictators. The Eva Braun Collection will include her parfum, Final Solution and the stores will feature bunker-like dressing rooms. If you don't like how you look in your new clothes, you can kill yourself! For back to school sales, check out the Little Miss-a-lini section of the El Ducha boutique. There will be 5 in-store boutiques for Saddam Hussein, One for each wife.
No other blockbuster releases have announced similar merchandising plans, although apparently "Sleepers" is a very good film and you should go see it.
Finger Lickin' Farmers 10.22.96
With the opening of the first McDonald's in New Delhi Sunday, the fast food chain should be nervous about attacks by farmers in light of the siege that occurred in January at a Kentucky Fried Chicken franchise. Farmers angry about what they call "cultural imperialism" trashed the Colonel in the southern city of Bangalore. Eyewitnesses say that the farmers were running out of the popular chain with tons of food. A man, breaking down in tears, said, "They cleaned us out. Original, extra crispy, New Rotisserie Gold. It’s all gone. They stormed us a second time because they forgot honey packets." My advice to Mickey D's: remove Chicken Nuggets from the menu to err on this side of the Hindu version of the Alamo.
Fast food executives are baffled that the farmer rebels believe that fast food restaurants can wield the kind of power that can harm the culture of India. They point out that a colonel and a clown cannot possibly dent the rich traditions of this massive country. The Indians, for their part, point out that while a colonel may not possess that kind of power, General Kitchner did a fine job destroying Indian traditions. And as for the clown, the Indians held up a picture of Churchill and started giggling uncontrollably.
The Sweat Shop Boys 10.23.96
Americans need to be aware of products made in sweatshops, according to Labor Secretary Robert Reich, no relation to Third. Reich feels Americans have a responsibility to be informed as to what goods, especially apparel, are made in an ethical way. Even religious leaders, and we all know how ethical they are, have taken to informing their congregations about which companies are violating the law.
With Big Business cramming the holiday season down our throats, it becomes even more imperative that this information reach the public at large. Some helpful hints to tell if what you are buying could be made in a sweatshop: if the tag on your new blouse says inspected by Little Billy Smith; if you can still see the blood from the overworked, undernourished help on your new sneakers; if you find baby teeth used as rivots in your jeans; and if you can be sure if the name of the annoying co-host of a guy who used to be the sidekick the Joey Bishop Show appears on your clothing, it's more than likely your sweater was made in a sweatshop.
In fact, consumers must be especially wary when they are buying toys this season. It's been rumored that a big fat man with a white beard has been seen using child labor in his toy factory.
Yes, Giorgio! 10.24.96
Fashion designer Giorgio Armani has received a 20-day suspended jail sentence. Armani supposedly paid tax police $197,000 for easy audits. In addition to the money, the tax officials received mauve Armani cravats, a light but fragrant aftershave, and chocolate brown oil skin overcoats. Armani reportedly slapped one defending attorney, insisting he was a spring, not a fall. In addition, he evidently had a few choice words for the bailiff regarding his beige rayon slacks.
Controlled By The Archies 10.24.96
One more industry is coming under fire for being an excessive political influence via campaign contributions to both political parties. It turns out that the sugar industry has been lining the pockets of both campaigns with contributions totaling over $52,000. Confectioners everywhere have come to the defense of the sugar lobby issuing a statement, "Hey, everybody loves cupcakes!" The Rolling Stones could not be reached for comment, but if the song "Brown Sugar" is any indication of where they stand on the issue, I think the sugar lobby can count on the full support of The Greatest Rock-and-Roll Band in The World.
Common Cause, a political watchdog group, is waving the banner of campaign finance reform and, by golly, maybe they're right. When oh when are we going to put a little control on those evil Polynesian farmers? Tobacco companies spending millions of dollars is one thing, people need cigarettes, but sugar can rot your teeth! Do you see any big expose about that on the news? When are states going to start taking the sugar industry to court over dental costs? It's time the flow of cane was stopped! And it starts at home. Put that toaster pastry down, Mom and Dad, and reach for the Kix.
The Other White Line 10.28.96
US shoppers were shocked, outraged, and in an uproar because of the recent price surge in the pork markets. The increase of pork importation to Japan and a US cutback in hog production has made the price of pig almost triple. Market reports do not indicate what effect the cute little pig from "Babe" or the recent popularity of Islam has had on the situation. Regardless, it may still be several months before the cost of pork begins to normalize.
Nervous consumers who love the hog have resorted to other products as substitution for their daily intake of grease and fat. Supermarkets, including the Piggly-Wiggly chain, have been overflowing with lines of people buying pignuts, pygmy eggplants, and bars of pig iron, although no one knows to what end.
Unfortunately, cheaper forms of pork can now be found on the street. Pork houses have taken over many poor neighborhoods with rival gangs battling over who will dominate the illegal trade of sausage. The San Jose Mercury News has even linked the influx of pig products to the CIA. Even sadder, ham hoes, women who sell their bodies in order to feed their bacon habits, are popping up everywhere. This disease has even found its way to college campuses, where designer pork chops are all the rage in dorm rooms, fraternities, and rave parties.
Who Is Kaiser Sôze? 10.29.96
George Kobayashi, 45, has been arrested on two fraud charges alleging he operated a test-cheating scheme from November 1993 to present. According to prosecutors, hundreds of test-takers received special pencils encoded with the answers to the GMAT, the GRE, and the TOEFL. According to federal prosecutor Fred R. L. Prosecutor, "Mr. Kobayashi ran an elaborate scheme in which test-takers could pay up to $6,000 and be guaranteed a good score. College athletes have never benefited from Kobayashi's little plan, as they always end up sharpening the pencil to the point of obliterating the code. Now a good name for this story would be: A.) "Crime and Punishment" , B.) "Test-takers Who Could Pay Up To $6,000 And Be Guaranteed A Good Score", or C.) "Our Friend The Dolphin." Kobayashi is expected to plead, "Me is to Guilty as Pillow is to Sharp". Authorities were alerted to the scheme by a tip from one James T. Kirk, who confessed to cheating on the Kobayashi Maru himself.
Trick or Treat Yourself to the Fully Stocked Bar 10.29.96
The effects of television ads for alcohol on children is a concern for the chairman of the FCC, who has nothing better to do than think up the concérn du jour (or the suppression of the rights of Americans of the day.)
The FCC is considering applying new rules to ads after Seagram's ended the liquor industry's moratorium on TV advertising. The FCC chief said in his speech that the public needed to help, "guarantee every child reasonable protection from the media's capacity to do harm." He did not say anything about granting every child reasonable protection from their alcohol.
The chief went on to say, "Halloween is one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. Halloween [a pagan holiday in which we celebrate evil] is one of the best nights for children, but there's something to be real afraid of this year." I don't think he was talking about a totalitarian state under martial law where bureaucrats dictate appropriate behavior for the citizenry.
So, I guess if you were planning on giving out those airplane bottles of booze this Halloween, like I do every year, you can forget about it.
Giving New Meaning To Almost Hard News 10.28.96
Calls to sex hot lines by several randy employees of Romania's central bank and broadcast authority have cost the state institution millions. The calls were made mainly by guards on long shifts. The guard's activities were discovered after phone bills for the company had risen by tens of thousands of dollars.
Erotic phone sex lines were introduced in Romania in February at a cost of about 75 cents a minute. When questioned about the phone fiasco, an official was quoted as saying, "This is a surprise. Our guards are very hard workers. Most haven't missed a day since February. Many have even volunteered to stay an extra hour or two or three without extra pay. They're very dedicated to their jobs."
In a seemingly unrelated story, many guards have been complaining of job-related injuries including loss of vision, carpel-tunnel syndrome, and even one strange case of hair growing on the palms.
Those Who Refuse to Learn The Lessons of The Past Are Destined to Repeat Them 10.30.96
The profitable German business of "evil" seems to be going gangbusters. Germany, also known as "funville" in the trades, is taking another step in their ongoing campaign against Scientology. Apparently it's been so long since they caused a World War or a holocaust, they are getting antsy. The country of the guttural growl is now requiring that applicants for state jobs must disclose any relationship they have with the church. Officials say this will not automatically bar people from being hired because Germany likes to keep its friends close and its enemies closer. If hired, applicants will be given a snazzy looking "S" to sew on their clothes.
The Bavarian state government is justifying its actions against Scientology saying that the organization is pursuing economic goals under the guise of religion and utilizes "psychological methods." Interestingly enough that is basically what they said about the Jews, but why split hairs? It is hard to imagine that a country could be so evil from bow to stern that you would actually feel sorry for Scientologists, but it has happened. Germans are the only people in history that make you long for the humanity of Mongol Hordes. The great thing is that should another crazy kraut rise to power based on his hatred for people of a specific belief, we won't have to worry about the race for the A-bomb, because we already have it! In a related story, I'm scared.
Great Taste, Less Jobs 10.30.96
Feldschlosschen-Hurlimann Holding A.G., Switzerland's largest brewer and winner of the World Record for Least-Pronounceable Beer Company, is cutting its work force by one- fifth. Furthermore, they will reduce brewing capacity by one-third. 680 jobs will be lost. Because the Swiss are known as much for their neutrality as they are for beer and selling out their fellow Europeans to the highest bidder, employees are not taking sides. Nondisgruntled employees who will no longer be at the brewery are worried that the company will not be able to keep up enough production for their needs. One fired employee stumbling from the plant said, "Eish shgoot stteinsh einish gundsh..." Unfortunately, this is drunken German, so it can't be translated.
The company plans to shorten its name to save money on labels. As of 1997, the brewery will be called Feh.
Hey Babies 10.30.96
"Baby-Hold-Me-Safe' is a big hit with parents and consumer watchdog groups who are looking out for the safety of our children. The product, which keeps your baby safe in the shopping cart without being uncomfortable, is a major breakthrough. Unfortunately, it does not solve the more serious problem of children crying, running around, and being a general nuisance in the supermarket. A rival company has developed "Baby-Gag-Me-Now" as an alternative, though reports have yet to come in as to its success. Other products on the toddler front have been less successful, including, "My First Handgun", "Don't Do That Again" home caning discipline set and the "I Love My Pit Bull" padded infant body suit.
Que Pasa? 10.31.96
The American Hospital Association has released a study that confirms Hispanics of all ages are least likely to have health insurance. James Bently, senior vice-president of the association, said, "This may reflect the number of Hispanic workers holding jobs that don't offer health insurance." This came as a surprise to the Association of Affluent Anglos, the largest employer of gardeners, house keepers and field hands in the country. " I am so glad this report was done," association president Charles Foster Kane was quoted as saying, "I thought for sure they were all on a good HMO. I certainly figured those inner-city Hispanic gangs were on a good group policy. There certainly are enough of them to get a good rate." Fortunately, there are enough relatively sensible people out there who realize that not all Hispanics are illegal aliens or impoverished. To this Kane responded, "Really? Do any of them play golf?" As an act of support to aid his people, actor Edward James Olmos has been rumored, though this is not confirmed, or even an actual fact, to plan to put all uninsured Hispanics in the United States on his health plan.
For Sale: 4 Bedroom, 2 Bath, 1 Gateway To Hell Single Family Dwelling 10.31.96
You've sprayed for bugs, you've fixed all those little things you've been meaning to get around to fixing, you even replaced that great orange shag carpet in the basement rec. room with taupe Dupont Stainmaster. Now you think your house is ready to sell? Think again.
Have you had your home inspected for ghosts? Julian Juergensmeyer, a "professor" from Florida College of Law, seems to think you should. "It's easy to laugh, but if you're a party to a transaction it's not funny." said Juergensmeyer. Of course, he's right. If I came home from a long day at the cubicle to find Patrick Swayze and Casper drinking ectoplasm shakes in the dining room, I'd probably not be chuckling. Or if I saw "Ghost Dad," I surely wouldn't be laughing at all. But for that matter, I wouldn't be laughing if I saw "Leonard, Part 6", either, so I guess my point is moot.
But Juergensmeyer's point isn't. The next time you buy a home, keep in mind that the water pressure isn't the only thing you should be checking. Who you gonna call? Well, Egon and Zelda Rubenstein should definitely be on the list. Juergensmeyer remembers the case of a New York man who bought a house and was horrified when he found out the previous owner had seen poltergeists over the last nine years.
I can understand the new owner's horror, but what about the previous owner? I'm sure he was pretty horrified, too. Nine years of stepping into the light gets a little old, even for Carol Ann. While full disclosure is ethical, let's keep in mind that this guy was probably none too bright. Living in a house infested with the Lady in White for nine years without even considering a move, let's say around Year One, is not a sign of superior intelligence.
The only question that remains: if everytime you turn on the TV and a big wind starts blowing and you start flying around the room, can you still get approved for an FHA loan?
Passenger 57, Where Are You? 10.31.96
In one of the greatest business moves since the introduction of "New Coke," United Airlines has announced its plans to expand the choice of onboard beverages: Snapple Lemon Tea, Kiwi-Strawberry cocktail, skim milk, cranberry and grapefruit juices will now be available to passengers. The airline based its decisions on surveys of customers and flight attendants, all of whom apparently enjoy a good beverage now and again, if you know what I mean.
The airlines have recently come under fire for many, many reasons, not the least of which is beverage choice. Of course, you wouldn't want to concentrate on getting the flights in on time, or hiring more people to check you in -- I mean, thank God with all these plane crashes, the airlines are finally cracking down on the beverage problem. There is nothing I want more than to drink a refreshing beverage as my flight bursts into flames and crashes into the ocean. With all that smoke, fire and the screams of people about to die, nothing can quench my thirst more than a cool glass of grapefruit juice.
Giving New Meaning to Down Under 10.31.96
Put another boner on the barbie, Australia's "Sexpo" has finally found a home. Show (and by "show", I think you know what I mean) organizer David "The Boss" Ross said they had a hard time finding a venue because hotels, "refused bookings when they found out the content of the show. We have no intention of offending, it's simply an attempt to inform the public about the adult industry." So tomorrow, when Sexpo opens it's doors, people can open their minds.
Business in the sex industry is hotter, wetter, and better than ever, with sales skyrocketing in all areas from the simplest of mail-order marital aids to Story of O vinyl harnesses. Sexpo has dozens of exhibitors including an informational booth set up by the Victoria State Aids Council, an interactive kiosk where attendees can search the Internet for horribly faked images of nude celebrities, and an old-fashioned interactive booth that shows movies for a quarter. The exhibitors would not reveal how their booth was interactive, but assured us that it was, indeed, hands-on.
The oral presentation will be held after the dinner break, while the anal presentation will take place at a special midnight offering. An exhibition of exhibitionists has, unfortunately, been canceled. It's rumored that Adam West may show up, not because he has anything to do with the sex industry, but just because it's a convention.
Will They Play Nirvana? 10.01.96
MTV is planning to launch another Far Eastern version of itself, MTB, by the end of October. The "music" channel (all-Ravi Shankar, all-the-time) plans an Indian network with access to shows produced in India and Singapore. Among the programming will be a show called "Yo! MTV Chants!", although this comes during a somber time for chanters due to the untimely death to Tupac Ma Ghandi. Plans are underway for "Beavis & Dothead" and a new series featuring the original cast of The Real World. MTV also plans on airing a version of "The Grind" (tentatively entitled "the Pyre") where scantily clad women expose almost all their hair and are then burned to death. Among the VJs who are slated to host the network are Adam Curry, Mowgli, and a cow. The new channel is also hoping to build a large Muslim following with it's "Kill Salman Rushdie and win a Date With Bon Jovi" contest.
Who Likes Ike? 10.02.96
In a recent interview, Ike Turner told the press that he didn't appreciate being associated with spousal abuse. Turner said, "It hurts, man." Coincidentally, this is also what Tina said to him almost every day of their marriage. Ike said he would rather be remembered for his music. Who could forget such greats as "Good God, Got To Beat My Wife," "Wife Beatin' Sho' is Good," and "Gottdamn, Got to Beat Me a Woman." Ike's new review will feature his current wife, Jeanette, and he said, "It's like I got five Tina's now." Unfortunately, for Ike, he still only has two fists.
Gimme Three Steps and A Hot, Buttered Popcorn 10.04.96
Nineteen years ago, several members of the rock group Lynyrd Skynrd were killed in a plane crash. Although their music can still be heard incessantly on classic rock radio and far too frequently in movie soundtracks, they never made a concert movie. Finally, after eight years of meticulous research, "Freebird--The Movie" will hit the screen. Contrary to popular belief, it will not be about that jack ass that stands behind me at concerts and shouts "play 'Freebird', dudes!" Early reviews say "Freebird--The Movie" is not as good as "Inna Gadda Da Vida--The Movie" but not as bad as "Any 'Yes' Song--The Movie."
Don't Boot Junk For Me, Argentina 10.07.96
The Argentine distributor of the film Trainspotting has postponed the Buenos Aries premiere because of anonymous threats opposing the showing of the film. The threats were mostly telephone calls mentioning an "anti-drug addiction league" claiming that the film glamorizes drug use. I know when I saw a guy rifling through his own feces to get a fix, it made me want to go to the Viper Room and score the big H. The dirty, cockroach-infested apartment where they lived certainly added to my desire to ride the white horse. If that wasn't glamorous enough, the fact that they neglected a baby in order to feed their habit and the baby died made me long for a life of total addiction. Up until now, I thought all I wanted was a successful career and a happy, healthy life, but now I know that was foolish. I want to share dirty needles with the unwashed dregs of society. Thank you, Trainspotting. Thank you.
Don't Sink For Me, Argentina 10.08.96
Tickets will go on sale tomorrow for the new Broadway musical "Titanic", based on the cruise ship of the same name that sank in 1912 because of overwhelming hubris and pride committed by people who had apparently never heard of the Tower of Babel. The show is being launched by a group of Broadway and West End veterans who also have apparently never heard of the Tower of Babel, or "Ishtar", for that matter. This announcement follows on the tail of smash musical hits like "The Hindenburg", with its moving solo "Oh, The Humanity ", and "Space Shuttle Challenger", a light-hearted romp through space, which is slated to open next summer. Talks continue to combine ValuJet and TWA flight 800 in a show with the working title "Annie Get Your Flotation Device."
Monkey See, Monkey Drew 10.09.96
Courtney Love is the reason behind Drew Barrymore's raven locks. Apparently, Courtney dyed her hair black first, telling Drew, "everyone is going to dye their hair dark."
Drew followed suit, saying, "Everyone was dying their hair blonde, I wanted to be considered an intellectual." That was, of course, until Drew found out that "intellectual" doesn't mean "sexy". Recently, Drew was on Letterman trying to show Dave how "empowered" she had become, by standing on his desk and flashing her tits. Drew was under the mistaken notion that "empowered" meant "sexy", too.
Now that Courtney Love is dating Ed Norton -- not the fictional character from the Honeymooners, but the actor from Primal Fear -- Drew "Copycat" Barrymore now claims she's in love, too. However, Drew doesn't want to reveal the identity of her new beau, except that his name is Ralph Kramden. Well, actually Drew
thought she was in love until she found out that "love" doesn't mean "sexy", so she ended the relationship.
Castro, You've Got Some Splaining To Do 10.14.96
The once banned Beatles are now welcome in Cuba. Cuba's Writers' and Artists' Guild will hold a three day festival to honor the Beatles. The songs, performed by Cuban Musicians, will include, "I Wanna Hold Your Havana", "Bay Of Piggies", "No Revolution #9", and "Lucy In The Sky With Ricky". The festival will also feature Beatles' films like "Help! (from Soviet Russia)" and "A Hard Che's Night". The Beatles were banned by Cuba's communist government, but Cuban fans defied the bans by listening to a radio broadcast from Florida in the 60's when radio signals were picked up by missiles aimed at the United States.
Just Don't Call Him Mr. Fonda 10.15.96
The International Documentary Association plans to honor Ted Turner with the 1996 Career Achievement Award. Turner was chosen as the recipient for this award because of his commitment to nonfiction filmmaking, which includes giving filmmakers a national venue for their work. Some of the more auspicious films Turner has funded include, "Ted Turner: Man of Destiny", "From Humble Beginnings: The CNN Story", "Ted: Son of the South" and "Jane Fonda: An American Hero."
How To Host A Murder 10.15.96
The trial of Jonathan Schmitz, the heterosexual man who's charged with the murder of Scott Amedure, a homosexual admirer, started today in Pontiac, Michigan. Amedure, gay, an associate of Schmitz, straight, professed his infatuation for the heterosexual Schmitz on the nationally-syndicated talk show "The Jenny Jones Show." Jenny Jones is a heterosexual.
A lawyer (sexual preference unknown) for the defendant (heterosexual) says his client, a self-proclaimed heterosexual, is not guilty of murder because he suffers from mental illnesses and was tricked into appearing on the program. The straight Schmitz confessed to killing the homosexual Amedure at the victim's trailer park, although it's weird that a guest on a talk show would live in a trailer park. Schmitz' lawyers (10% of the population at large) say he deserves a lesser sentence than first degree murder. The prosecution (sexual preference unknown) told the jury (1.2 persons are likely to be gay) "Embarrassment is not an excuse for murder."
The crack legal team of SC Headlines & News (50% gay, 49% straight, 1% unknown) has confirmed that, indeed, embarrassment is not an excuse for murder. Although, wouldn't it be great if it was? Everyone on the WB would certainly be killed. Brooklyn Bob Dole (hetero), who doesn't know San Diego from shinola,
would make it to the top of the Republican hit list. Anything Demi Moore (we can only hope) says would be immediately nipped in the bud. Tom Arnold (fat, but straight) would be shot on sight and his big head would be mounted in someone's living room (probably gay). And, thankfully, all movies made by any cast member of the TV show "Friends" will be suffocated until every last breath is sucked out of them. Oh, to dream, perchance to dream.
Finally Something Is Coming Out of Madonna 10.15.96
Stock prices are up, the Middle East declares peace, Iraq puts down it's weapons and finally ousts Sadaam Hussein. This chain of events was a reaction to the birth of a healthy baby girl to pop star, cultural icon, and now immaterial girl, Madonna. The baby, named Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces, only slightly more than her mother's ego. Other first name choices for the child included Stonehenge, Sedona and Ararat. Madonna has asked pediatrician Paul Fleiss, father of Heidi Fleiss, to care for the baby, because she felt the father of a madam would be the best choice.
Madonna's child could be the second coming of Christ. This is backed up by many synchronicities between the first coming and "Coming Numero Two" as it is now called. Both Mary and Madonna are called Madonna by their close friends and legions of devotees. Both women are Catholics. Mary was a virgin. Madonna sang "Like a Virgin". Mary was featured prominently in a book entitled "The Bible". Madonna was featured prominently in a book called "Sex". It's also believed that besides being a carpenter, Joseph, was also a model/paralegal/bicycle racer/personal trainer.
Some have questioned why Christ returned as a girl, but to this we can only reply, "Maybe God isn't sexist."
Walkering After Midnight 10.16.96p
A new study from UCLA shows that violence on TV has declined from nine years ago, but that the airwaves are still inundated with programming questionable for family viewing. "Walker, Texas Ranger" and "New York Under Cover" are two of five shows cited as too offensive for the kiddies. Strangely, "America's Funniest Home Videos", which features shot after shot of adults being hit in the balls by precocious children, appeared on the "Shows That Don't Promote Violence” list.
Several children's shows have also been labeled too violent. Among the list, "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" (no relation to "Walker, Texas Ranger"). UCLA TV research expert Guy Sony stated, "Hey, not only does this show display too much violence, but the special effects suck. I mean, c'mon?! I'm watching this thing with my kids and it's like that guy didn't come close to kicking his head. I mean if there's gonna be violence, let's do a good job here. And the characters look like extras from Cirque De Soleil". Guy was subsequently fired.
In a related story, U.S. Rep. Lamar Smith of Texas is lobbying for the Fox Network to move "Married...with Children" out of its current Sunday night dinnertime time slot. He feels that foul language and sex jokes are not appropriate at this hour. Inside sources say Lamar is pushing to have "Married" follow "Walker, Texas Ranger" on Saturdays, so he wouldn't have to program his VCR on two different nights.
Here She Comes, Miss What Are You In For? 10.16.96
The new Miss New Mexico Jailhouse was crowned this week in an unorthodox beauty contest held by female prisoners. Miriam Flores, whose serving time for robbery, stole the spotlight by winning the talent portion when she played "Symphony #5 in C major by Beethoven" by moving her tin cup back and forth along her prison cell bars. The woman who hid drugs up her butt came in a close second. Miriam took the question and answer category hands down when she said she wanted an end to poverty, world peace and fruit in the Jell-O. The runner up, who was in for a drug offense, will become the Miss New Mexico Jailhouse in the event that Miss Flores gets her sentence commuted, or if she gets shivved in the shower.
One Day At A Time 10.21.96
In the ongoing tradition of continually getting shittier and shittier lead vocalists, the Seventies hard rock band Van Halen has gone to extremes by hiring Gary Cherone, former lead singer of the shitty Nineties hard rock band Extreme. Eddie Van Halen, lead guitarist of the former great, now shitty Seventies hard rock band
Van Halen, says he feels just awful about all the recent hubbub involving singers Sammy Hagar, former lead singer of shitty Eighties band HSAS, and David Lee Roth, former lead singer of the shitty David Lee Roth. Eddie felt so awful in fact, he laughed as he carried his bars of gold to the bank, giggling at how he still has a job, but Hagar and Roth are now holding up signs that read "Will Lead Sing For Shitty Bands (Any Decade) For Food." Bewteen chuckles and counting the money he keeps buried in Mason jars in Griffith Park, Eddie said "Alex [Eddie's no talent drummer brother] and I have been joking that both of these guys suffer from LSD -- lead singer disease." Bassist Michael Anthony laughed so hard that Jack Daniels came out of his nose. David Lee Roth felt that somehow, for some strange reason, he was re-joining the band after they fired Sammy Hagar and invited Roth to record new songs for a greatest hits albums. But he may have been delusional since he has had to resort to performing his Vegas-style show...in Vegas. News of Roth's shows in Vegas prompted Van Halen to begin looking for other lead singers for when Gary Cherone is no more. Eddie is partial to Englebert Humperdinck. Alex likes Wayne Newton, while Michael Anthony digs Sigfried & Roy. The odds-on bet is that the bloated carcass of Elvis will be fronting VH in the next millenium.
Tammy's Way 10.22.96
Tomorrow, Tammy Faye starts her tour to promote her new book, "Tammy: Telling It My Way." Most people were surprised that Tammy wrote a book, considering some of us didn't even know she could read. The book is a tell-all about what went on behind the scenes at the famed "Christian" complex. It tells the tale of how she and Jim Bakker took money in the name of Christ from the rich, the poor, and the stupid and used it for their own selfish gain. Now she's written a book so she can make money off of telling the story of how they took money from the rich, the poor, and the stupid. Tammy plans on using proceeds from the book for her own selfish gain. Tammy Faye's next project might be a book about shopping. She's thinking of calling it, "Looking Like a Million For $100", or "How To Dress Like a $5 Hooker Using Money from the Rich, The Poor, and The Stupid."
Your Own Private Movie Company 10.25.96
Actress/model/philosopher Pamela Anderson Lee is being sued for $5 million by The Private Movie Company who claims she reneged on an agreement to star in a film. The movie company says Lee saw the final script and agreed orally to do it. Lee's lawyer said she never signed the contract, because the script contained "simulated sex scenes and all the things she didn't want to do." It is uncertain whether "all the things she didn't want to do" included wearing clothes and acting. Lee asked the judge to dismiss the law suit.
Lee will pose nude for Playboy, talk about how she sits naked above Tommy Lee on a giant swing, run in slow motion, breasts jiggling, in week after week of "Baywatch", and makes crazy home sex videos downloadable over the Internet, but refuses to do "simulated sex scenes" and undisclosed "things she didn't want to do." It's nice to see celebrities who know where to draw the line.
The name of the film in question is "Hello, She Lied", which is weird because, according to insiders, that's what the producers of "Barb Wire" said when she told them she could act.
Oh Canada, Don't Kick My Butt 10.25.96
The reigning Miss Canada has been charged with assault. The pageant pugilist allegedly punched another woman in a bar near Newfoundland University. According to the charges, Danielle "Brick" House chipped the unidentified woman's tooth and caused some facial injuries. According to made-up sources, the fight started when Miss House walked in the bar and discovered the other woman was wearing the same outfit. Then the pretty woman turned ugly. "They fought like a couple of girls," said Bud Inski, a fictional patron of the bar. The fight was broken up after Miss House took off her tiara and allegedly, but not really, told the woman, "I swear, I'll cut you, eh." Miss Canada is scheduled to compete in the Miss World International in Jamaica and, pageant officials say they have no intention of taking away her crown, because everyone's afraid of her.
Polly Wants to Direct 10.29.96
Dreamworks, dreaming of the dollars, the acclaim, and the antipork sentiment the work "Babe" produced, has announced plans for a new movie starring a girl and her best friend; a parrot. "Paulie: A Parrot's Tale," is the comical story of how a young girl and her pet get separated and try to find each other. Talk in Tinsel Town is that Mr. Oscar and his Gilded Tuxedo are not far off for this talented bird, who cites as inspiration Alfred Hitchcock, Charlie Parker, and the films "Birdman of Alcatraz" and "Follow That Bird".
"Bawk, it's about time, bawk," said the bird, who's been called an overnight success. "Bawk, I've paid my dues, bawk, I've waited tables, bawk, I've sat on the arm of The Man, bawk, and took his pumpkin seeds and did the whole Polly-want-a-cracker bit, but no more." The bird is busy fielding offers for other movies. "Next time, I want to do something serious, bawk." The bird is willing to do nudity as long as it's tasteful and, of course, the bird wants to direct. "Bawk, I'd love to do a remake of 'Birdy'."
Have You Heard About the Party? 10.30.96
Move over Reform Party, there's a new party in town: The Bigtime Hollywood Celebrity Party.
Last night, the red carpet was rolled out, and dozens of famous stars, celebrities, and Hollywood leaches lent their support to President Clinton. It was the Democratic National Committee fund-raiser concert. The event was hosted by actor and M.C. extraordinaire Kevin Spacey, who did a fine job despite opening up
with the "hello ladies and germs" gag.
Hip musical acts Bruce Hornsby and Stevie Wonder performed. The President, Bill Clinton, even sang along with Stevie as he performed "You Are The Sunshine of My Life." When asked what he thought of the President's vocal stylings, Wonder was overheard by someone who doesn't really exist, but who I made up for the sake of being funny, saying, " Terrible. I'm blind, not deaf."
Hollywood and politics have a history of being strange bedfellows. Hollywood-types have used their status as famous guys to springboard into political office. There's the Love Boat's Fred Grandy, Sonny Bono, Clint Eastwood, Cooter from "Dukes of Hazzard," and the king of showbiz charlatans turned politician, Ronald Reagan. And we all know how well that worked out.
Of all the industry bigwigs in attendance, including Neil Simon, Robin Williams, Rob Reiner, and Michael Douglas, Michael Douglas would make the best politician. He's full of crap and, of course, was "The American President."
Why Can't He Just Spit In Someone's Face? 10.04.96
Dennis Rodman has been criticized for comments he made lambasting Chicago Bulls management. The core of his comments centered on the way coach Phil Jackson was treated in the negotiating process. "For a guy to win four championships and then be treated like he's nobody, I'm not happy," Rodman said. So I guess Rodman really is crazy and out of control. I can't believe a guy would have the nerve to support a great coach who is consistently getting downplayed by a management who doesn't like him or Michael Jordan getting too much credit for winning championships. If the guy were addicted to coke or beating his wife or punching fans or killing his ex-wife or beating his wife or writing books about his thousands of sexual conquests or beating his wife or betting on his own team or beating his wife or drinking his second liver into the grave or being paid 100 million dollars by a hasbeen 80's team with yellow jerseys while consistently getting worse at the free throw line, we could understand that. But this guy dyes his hair and has the temerity to stand behind his friends while they're being stabbed in the back by the most dumb-luck short-sighted team of rich-white-guy managers. I believe that unless this guy commits a felony, and soon, he should be suspended for the rest of the season.
The Delicate Art of Winning 10.07.96
The Texas Longhorns beat the Oklahoma State Cowboys 71-14, making them the third team this season to score more than 70 points against Oklahoma. Texas Coach John Mackovic apologized for the excessive point total after beating the Cowboys.
Apologized for the excessive point total...
What's the sports world coming to?
Isn't winning what sports is all about? Why doesn't the middle linebacker apologize to the quarterback for sacking him? After the game, did Mackovic hold Oklahoma coach Bob Simmons until the sting of losing was gone?
Furthermore, Mackovic said, "If we play well, we will move the ball and score points."
If we play well, we will move the ball and score points.
Duh! And if you kick the ball straight, it will go over the goal post. If you catch the ball in the endzone, it will be scored as a touchdown. If you catch the ball and the other team's quarterback threw it, that's an interception, and that's a good thing, but if you drop it, that's a fumble, and that's a bad thing. But don't worry. If you fumble, Mackovic will be there to stroke your hair until all the pain stops.
Mackovic should apologize for apologizing. My current lover has more balls than Mackovic, and she's a woman. Here's my advice: move the ball and score points, and if you score more points than the other team, you played well. If you scored a lot more points than the other team, you played extremely well. That's called football, jackass.
Don't Kill A Horse For Me, Argentina 10.08.96
Four members of Argentina's show jumping team at the Atlanta Olympics were found guilty of severe cruelty to their horses. The International Equestrian Federation reported that riders took their horses over obstacles with barbed wire and nails attached to the top. The Federation said the team's Olympic results were erased and the team suspended for six months. The Argentines must also pay an unspecified amount to cover the cost of the hearing. Six months? Oh, that's a harsh punishment! And erasing their results? They came in 17th! You're doing them a favor by erasing the results.
But why stop at animals? Huh, Argentina? Let's just incorporate this little bit of incentive into other Olympic sports. The women's gymnastics team, for instance. Cute little Keri Strugg could do the vault and, if she misses her mark, land on a prickly pear cactus. What about if we had the swim team dive into a pool of battery acid? What about putting thumb tacks on the track field? Have them play volleyball with a sphere of hot fire. Make the speed skaters practice on a rink made out of a black board. Is the Great Santini your coach, Argentina?
And They'll Still Lose To The Bulls 10.11.96
Magic Johnson has repurchased his share of the Lakers and has made it official that he will not be returning to play. This decision may be based on the fact that there can only be one overpaid, overrated, prima donna on a team at a time. It is probably also because the mascots are faster at the point now than Magic is. Tomorrow, Magic will announce that as a result of his decision not to play, it only makes sense for him to return to the team.
Jump! 10.15.96
Rene "the Alligator" Lacoste died in a French hospital Saturday at the age of 92. The French tennis star was an innovator and a man of great means, who designed the first metal racquet and was responsible for the popular Alligator Izod clothing line. Lacoste was a member of the "Four Musketeers" who included Membert Zonli, O.P. Sheurts and Haing Ten. From his lair in the Bastille, Cardinal Richelieu was quoted as saying of Lacoste's passing, "At last, I have triumphed over those dastardly musketeers!" Though the official medical report lists heart attack as the cause of death, several anonymous sources report that a mysterious "handsome, silver haired man" was seen on a polo horse running over the elderly designer. The sightings remain, as of yet, unconfirmed.
The Dear Hunters 10.18.96
The number of hunting accidents in New York has dropped nearly 20% since the advent of the color orange. The New York Department of Environmental Conservation has declared that hunters in New York state are less likely to get shot if they wear the bright florescent orange, as opposed to dressing up like a deer, wearing antlers and running around on all fours. Mark Apo, a spokesman for the Hunters League of America said, "I'm tired of people infringing upon our rights to dress up and shoot things. First they make us wear orange, now they say we shouldn't blow each other away. What's next? No more hunting while we're drunk?"
Take Me Home 10.28.96g
The Miami Hurricanes were fearing for their lives in Morgantown, West Virginia, during and after their football contest with West Virginia. The jubilant West Virginia fans nearly rioted in their overzealous competitive excitement. An ambulance carrying an injured Miami player was rocked back and forth and almost tipped over. A frightened 'Canes fan was startled, saying, "Normally we're used to rioting back home but these mountainfolk riot differently than we do." The rowdy West Virginians were cornering members of the Miami coaching staff and asking them to "squeal like a pig". They allegedly told one assistant coach that he "had a pretty mouth", while on the sidelines fans were pouring moonshine into Miami's Gatorade supply and distracting players and coaches with constant banjo songs. Sources close to Miami Head Coach Butch Davis added that he longed to go back to Walton Mountain and play with Jim Bob and Mary Ellen, but that this experience definitely soiled his fond memories of the Mountain Mama.
Looking Forward To A Disastrous Season 10.30.96
The owner of a minor league baseball team from Ohio is under pressure to change the team's name. Originally the owner, Mike Agganis, wanted to name the team "The Blast" to pay homage to a hometown astronaut who died in the space shuttle Challenger accident. He also wanted to name it's mascot Kaboom. For some very strange reason, fans were up in arms about the name and went to the city council who put pressure on the owner to change it.
Tomorrow, Agganis will decide on a new name. The 1989 San Francisco Quake was immediately dismissed because the team is in Akron and people might get confused. Strangely, the 1985 Mexico City Quake and the 1994 Northridge Quake are still being considered. The Branch Davidian, with their adorable mascot, Koreshie the Klown, who leads the audience in cheers and thinks he's Jesus, has been turned down. The Oklahoma City Bombers and McVeigh The Crazy Mascot Who Could Snap At Any Minute was not accepted but the Fighting Flight 800's, with their cute mascot, Blackie the Box, is still a possibility. The most likely candidate is The Bob Dole Campaigners.
Eye, Yi, Yi 10.01.96
It will be cold and rainy in England, today. Speaking of our pasty-faced pals across the pond, a team of doctors and veterinarians put their heads together to discover the source of a British housewife's eye infection. The cause was a strain of influenza, a virus the woman caught from one of her 26 pet ducks. Apparently, the woman had been sharing a pair of glasses with the duck, who is also nearsighted. In a report from The Lancet, it was stated that this case illustrates how major flu outbreaks in humans could come from fowl sources. ( I'm sorry. That's really what it said. I didn't write that joke. Honest.)
Anyway, I read "Animal Farm". I know what's going on here, and it ain't ducky. First mad cows, now mad ducks. The animals are taking over the world. Soon, they'll be spreading their filthy barnyard germs all over the country, just like that little monkey in "Outbreak," although he's not really from a barn, he's from the jungle. Which is exactly my point: if God had meant for us to co-habitate with animals, He'd have given us better nightvision, which is how this whole mess got started in the first place.
Salt in Your Tears 10.01.96
It will be hot and steamy in the South, leaving you with that tired, bloated feeling that most women experience once a month, or so I'm told by most women. Or at least most women who will talk to me about intimate, private things. Okay, so five women have told me this, not including my mother, who should have never told me this, but that's an issue I should take to the Office of Complaints headed up by Mr.Portnoy, if you know what I mean.
Which brings me to my point. It was reported in this week's issue of Annals of Internal Medicine that eating a low salt diet won't alleviate premenstrual symptoms like cramping and bloating. So ladies, nothing will end your suffering. Every month it will be the same feelings of fatness and insecurity. The same skin irritation and breast tenderness. A week of hating everything and everybody, including yourself, but especially me, like I can help it. Seven days of eating nothing but chocolate and snapping for no good reason, all for the honor of giving birth to a spoiled, inconsiderate ingrate who will never call or write. Who will take your money and your love without even a thank you. Who isn't good enough to be called son, even though he brings her flowers everytime he comes visits, and still she makes him feel low and worthless, and not because of any PMS, no your ovaries are dried up and useless, so you have no excuse, Mother Dear....So ladies, pass the salt.
Nominally Speaking...10.03.96
Meteorologists dipped deep into the Weather Barrel of Names to christen a hurricane off the coast of Mexico...Herman!!! In all my years as a meteorologist, or whatever the hell it is I do, I never, ever, not in a million years times infinity -- and we all know how concepts like "infinity" make me nervous --, never, ever thought that we'd reach the bottom of the list. No more names! Hortense is bad, to be sure, but Herman? Oy! I have a cousin on my mother's side of the family, twice-removed, who spits when he talks -- and boy does he talk! Spit. Talk. Talk. Spit. It's like taking a shower with Howard Stern -- and his name is Herman, for Chrissakes, can't we be a little more clever, for the love of God, and I address this to all those in my field.
Anyway, tomorrow, the weather bureau will release the list of all the remaining names: Hurricane Smith, Hurricane Jones, Hurricane the other Jones, Hurricane Smith & Jones, Hurricane Smith & Wesson, Hurricane Jesus, Hurricane Jesus Jones, Hurricane Jesus Smith, Hurricane Me & Mrs. Jones, Hurricane Shirley Jones, Hurricane Rock-me-like-a, Hurricane DeBarge , Hurricane Fonzie, Hurricane Simplex 3, Hurri-Cane and Hurri-Able, and, lastly, Hurricane Hurricane, after which the gathering of high winds and rains will no longer be legal.
All You’ve Got To Do Is Ride Around 10.09.96
The death toll from typhoon Sally has escalated. The typhoon has caused the greatest economic losses in one city since 1954. Local officials say that fierce winds caused a total of 215,951 houses to collapse. The typhoon follows in the wake of devastating floods that swept across central and southern China leaving at least 2,700 people homeless. The worst part of a Chinese typhoon is that thirty minutes later another Chinese typhoon comes along and does even more damage.
Take 30 Pills and Call me In The Morning 10.10.96
Research concerning the AIDS drug AZT has led to conflicting reports about the added benefit of using it in conjunction with other drugs. One of the studies indicates that a combination drug therapy helps stave off the disease while a second study shows no added benefit for people whose systems have been severely affected by HIV. A third, more relevant study, shows that a combination drug therapy is better, as it has the potential to make pharmaceutical companies "really rich". These are, of course, the same pharmaceutical companies that think it is a brilliant idea to prevent disease in children by injecting them with disease.
Here Comes The Sun 10.10.96
Who doesn't love The Microsoft Corporation? I know that doesn't have much to do with the weather, but, wait a minute, maybe it does. Maybe, just maybe, the greatest producer of software in the world -- and I don't mean they're the greatest because they produce the most. The Microsoft Corporation produces the best software in the world. Everything from spreadsheets and word processing to top secret proprietary realtime video streaming technology. Whoops. I guess I let the cat out of the bag. Silly me. But The Microsoft Corporation doesn't stop there. No, sir, Mr. Wired. The Microsoft Corporation is now providing content for the Internet with their brilliant Microsoft Network. I've got a cousin in Phoenix who logs on daily from his cubicle to get a few yuks from the hilarious SC Headlines & News, just one of the many sites on MSN, the greatest producer of content online, and, once again, I don't mean that MSN produces the most content, just the best content, like the aforementioned SC Headlines & News, which is truly the best, and I'm not just saying that because I like Microsoft so much and they're paying me so much and without them, I'd be doing the weather from some isolated backwoods radio station in Boise that shuts down at 6:00 like the rest of the town, where do you go if you need a box of tissue, for instance, for the love of Christ, I love my job! No, this doesn't cloud my vision one bit. But, maybe, just maybe, The Microsoft Corporation does have something to do with the weather. The weather in Redmond, Washington, to be exact, where The Microsoft Corporation employs a great many people. Tomorrow, it will be cloudy, cooler, with a possibility of showers, made possible by The Microsoft Corporation.
Here Comes The Brides 10.11.96
A nasty little disturbance has left The Pacific Northwest with cloudy conditions. That's really too bad considering how much I love The Pacific Northwest and all that it has to offer, including nasty little disturbances that leave cloudy conditions. How can you not love The Pacific Northwest? You can't. Even if you try. I know a guy who tried to hate The Pacific Northwest once and he wound up in the hospital with a brain hemorrhage. I swear to God. And what's not to love? Totem poles, Sasquatch, coffee, beer, trees, rain, basketball, mountains, grunge music -- okay, forget grunge music, and for that matter, heroin and suicide. And now the world, and I include myself in that, has one more reason to sing the song of Seattle. The Microsoft Corporation has announced that the Internet will be the "next mass medium" and has unveiled an updated version of The Microsoft Network, dressed to the nines with "entertainment programming". MSN is back and better than ever. To quote the theme to TV's greatest comedy ever, strangely enough set in Seattle, "The bluest skies you've ever seen are in Seattle, and the hills the greenest green. Seattle is like a beautiful child, growing up, growing wild. Full of hopes, full of fears, full of laughter, full of tears, full of dreams to last the years in Seattle. In Seattle."
Hurricane Misses Florida 10.14.96
The Miami Hurricanes were unable to weather the storm by the Florida State Seminoles, who rained in 17 points in the first 11 minutes. Miami dissipated over the Seminoles torrential offense that poured on 34 points with 347 gusty yards of total gail force offense. The 'Canes were expected to produce mass destruction throughout southern Florida and were hoping to over-turn the Seminoles, who in turn boarded up Miami's attempt at soaking up a national title.
Ladies, Control Yourself 10.22.96
It's cloudy today with a slight chance for pregnancy. Well at least that's what the U.S Federal Advisory Committee would like you to think. The FDA Obstetrics and Gynecology Devices Panel said insufficient trial data was the reason for disapproval of a new female contraceptive.
This isn't a new The Pill. It's not a diaphragm. Or an IUD. Or any of those things you hear about but don't quite understand in health class. It's Lea's Shield. (I think you used to be able to get Lea's Shield with five proofs-of-purchases from Star Wars action figures.) Anyway, who is this woman Lea and does her mother know her name is now going to be synonymous with birth control? I know that if my mother saw Eli's With Reservoir Tips, it'd be like that scene out of The Jazz Singer. "I have no son!"
What's this world coming to? First they burn their bras and now this?! What about the old-fashioned method of birth control: just say no! It's worked for me! Over and over again. All I've heard my entire life is "no", and I've never been pregnant!
The product was reviewed and the FDA said it had not been successfully tested to prevent pregnancies and that the trial on 52 couples was not sufficient to show the product's effectiveness. Who are these people? And how can I get in on these tests? I can't even get a date for Saturday night, much less be the member of same control group orgy.
Personally, I don't approve of this product and, confidentially, I use my personality as birth control
Caution: Cigarettes May Be Beneficial To Your Health 10.23.96
Researcher Dr. Michael Zagorski of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, has released a study citing that smoking may prevent the formation of the cells that are found in Alzheimer's patients. The doctor worked with an Alzheimer's research group, and the project was sponsored in part by Phillip Morris. Uh-huh. Hey, I mean maybe other tobacco companies, maybe the whole tobacco industry, will cut some other quack another big fat check and he'll find something else that's good about nicotine. I'm sure nicotine has a lot of positive effects, we just haven't done enough research. Who knows? Maybe nicotine actually prevents cancer? How much dough for those findings? Plus, I mean, does it really matter if smoking may prevent Alzheimer's? If you do smoke, you'll more than likely die before you have a chance to get it! Not only that, but if we encourage Alzheimer's patients to smoke, will they remember to do it? I could use a little money myself, maybe I'll get Smith and Wesson to sponsor my research on how getting shot can prevent osteoporosis.
16 Cygni B: The Ride!! 10.24.96
Astronomers are fascinated by a new planet some 70 light years from Earth. According to astronomer William D. Cochran, the planet, 16 Cygni B (can't they use a name for once...Abe, Jake...anything), has a strange "roller-coaster like orbit that swoops down close to its central star than swings out into frigid fringes". What, does the planet do loop-de-loops or 90-degree vertical drops? I get woozy on a merry-go-round, I can't imagine riding a planet. You probably have to be at least five-feet-tall to live there, not have any serious health problems like pregnancy, and be ready to constantly have your arms in the air. If any beings in the universe are planning to get on the planet, there must a very long line. I'd definitely watch my junk food intake if I went there. One time when I was a kid I had three hot dogs and a pint of ice cream before getting on a tilt-o-whirl. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say my sister needed to get home and shower immediately.
Uncle Sid and Aunt Mount St. Helens 10.29.96p
Mexico's famed Popocatepetl volcano erupted Monday, belching black ash and steam. My god, that sounds like my Uncle Sid after Thanksgiving dinner. Do you know how many times I've told him to only have one serving of my mother's stuffing? It's the only stuffing I've ever had with beans. The report continues that, "the explosion is the natural product of the volcano's activity." Yeah right, that's always my Uncle's excuse. The man can't stop talking about his stomach problems throughout the meal. A Mexican news helicopter transmitted live footage of the black cloud, which began pouring from the crater at 9:05 a.m. Maybe they could cover Thanksgiving at my place. The volcano registered no unusual seismic activity. Big deal! For the last fifteen years, my sex life hasn't either. To put it bluntly, I'd like some seismic activity that would cause my crater to erupt.
Move Over, Doogie Howser 10.30.96
A major leukemia research project has been tainted with fabricated data by a junior scientist. "This is a very disturbing series of events", says Dr. Francis Collins, director of the National Center for Human Genome Research. Collins said that the junior scientist "confessed to a stunning series of data misrepresentations and outright fabrications". Many fellow researchers were skeptiical of the third graders' credentials from the beginning. When interviewed for the job, the junior was allegedly asked if he had ever administered a cat scan. An unnamed intern supposedly heard him respond, "No, we only have a dog." Collins cites that "five published manuscripts contain data which we now believe are not authentic". I've since learned that they were, in fact, written with crayons and then hung on the researcher's refridgerator for months before they were turned in. Rumors persist that the unnamed junior scientist has been sent to the Principal of the National Institute of Health.
Rupert Murdoch and Ted Turner are in a bitter feud that hasn’t been seen since the likes of the Hatfields and the McCoys, if the Hatfields and McCoys weren’t hillbillies, but were media moguls hellbent on World Domination by controlling access to information.
The issue behind the struggle revolves around Time Warner’s impending decision to carry or not to carry Murdoch’s soon-to-be launched competition to CNN. Time Warner says “no”. Not in so many words.
Murdoch, in turn, ran a rather unflattering drawing of Time Warner Chairman Gerald Levin in the NY Post, a Murdoch paper. Turner accused Murdoch of using his newspaper as “weapons in a media war.” Turner went on to say “talking to Murdoch is like confronting the late Fuhrer.”. In retaliation, a News Corp. spokesman said, “Ted must be off his lithium again.” Mr. Turner has said he stopped taking the medication last year, so this might be true.
SC Headlines & News was intrigued by Turner’s assertions. In order to shed some light on Turner’s inflammatory comments, we’ve made a list comparing and contrasting the two leaders Murdoch and Hitler, much in the same way Lincoln and Kennedy were compared.
Born in Austria Born in Australia
Spread his gospel of racial hatred and contempt for democracy.
Spread his gossip and hatred and contempt for celebrities.
Herman Goerring was the head of Hitler’s airforce
“Herman’s Head” was a show on the Fox Network.
Published "Mein Kampf"
Published Newt Gingrinch's book.
Founder and leader of National Solcialism (Later called "Nazism")
Founder and leader of the National Star (later called "The Star.")
Took away babies from their mothers.
Took away the NFL from CBS.
News Corp. and Time Warner are so entangled with each other that a full scale battle could seriously hurt both companies, including HBO and Fox Broadcasting which relies heavily on Warner-made shows. Realizing this, Turner has since apologized to Murdoch.
The Jews as a people were offended by Turner’s comments saying they made light of the Holocaust and the horrors of the Nazi regime. Realizing that Jews control entertainment and banking, Turner has since apologized to the Jews as a people. Sources close to the situation were heard muttering under their collective breath, “Obviously, the Jews have never met Rupert Murdoch.”
Contract On America
In the last congressional election, the Republicans ushered in a bold, new age in government with their Contract with America. This document for change, not unlike the manifestoes and declarations of our forefathers, included sweeping plans to clean up government, make America safe, and pulverize women and children on welfare. These monumental changes seemed assured, destined, almost divinely-mandated to gain passage.
Unfortunately, it turned out that not everyone in America is as blackhearted and evil as the Republican Congress. After numerous defeats -- and opinion polls swinging back and forth like some great wishy-washy pendulum -- Newt and his cohorts are seeking to renegotiate the Contract with America.
“The Fiscal Responsibility Act” is actually a fairly well thought out piece of legislation. At its core it requires that government balance the budget before spending more money. Unfortunately, it does not say how the government will balance the budget before spending more money, and a whole lot of money has been spent figuring out how to balance the budget before spending more money. And since the poor and elderly are still allowed to vote on how the government spends their money while balancing the budget, it became increasingly more difficult to sell this particular little act. In the new version of this legislation, the New Fiscal Responsiblity Act, it is explained that this balancing act will be accomplished with a 10% tax cut. It’s thought by all to be a winner.
“The Taking Back Our Streets Act “is another example of legislation that sounds good on paper. It calls for truth-in-sentencing, an effective death penalty, and a re-routing of social funds to build more prisons. Unfortunately, no one has ever been able to demonstrate that more prisons and a stronger death penalty could ever save you money or deter crime. Just the opposite seems to be true. Just look closely to the twelve wonderful crime-free years beginning with Reagan and ending with Bush, where no one was murdered and a crack epidemic didn’t happen. Under the new plan, the
The most controversial selection from the Contract with America is the “Personal Responsibility Act.” The controversy stems primarily from the Republican’s inability to cloak the legislation in lies or hypnotize Democrats into voting for it. Although a watered- down version of this act eventually made it to, and was signed by, the President (Bill Clinton), it falls short of the Republican goal of “welfare reform”. (When you see the words “welfare reform” together, you might be confused. It may help to substitute the words “future homeless children” or “16-year-old criminals”.) In the new version of welfare reform, the New Personal Responsibility Act, mothers who are thrown off welfare will be given a 50% tax cut. This may not be a grand slam, however, since 50% of no income is still not quite enough to live on, but this is one issue where the voting public appears willing to play dumb.
The problem with “The Family Restoration Act” is that people have gotten into the annoying habit of defining the concept of “family” for themselves. A lot of the people who have gotten into this annoying habit left their wives and children as soon as they got to Washington. Who better to define “family”, “family values”, and for that matter, “personal responsibility”? A re-tooled version of the act, the New Family Restoration Act, features the generous one time tax incentives for things like adoption and elderly care. And we all know these are one time expenses.
“The American Dream Restoration Act” offers a tax credit of $500 dollars per child, repeals the marriage tax penalty, and creates the American Dream Savings to provide tax relief. The American Dream Restoration Act is a popular part of the contract, and portions have already been passed. However, they were primarily Democrat ideas and were passed by Democrats.
“The National Security Restoration Act” seeks to restore the National Security that apparently is imperiled daily. I, for one, know that I am terrified after all those invasion we’ve been having lately. This act is merely a bid for more money for the military. Nothing more. Nothing less. No line items. No hidden agendas. Just more money for the military. Of course, this money is being sought by the same Congress who wanted to mandate a balanced budget. Sniff. Sniff. Hm, I smell tax cut!
“The Job Creation And Wage Enhancement Act” works just the way you imagine it. Cutting business taxes to create jobs. If that doesn’t work, they will tack on a tax cut.
Let’s just say, hypothetically, you are hit by a bread truck. You then sue the bread company for fiscal compensation. You have very little proof and you lose. That’s fair, because the burden of proof is on you. But it’s not fair enough for Congress or Big Business. Now if you lose, you get to pay the bread company’s legal fees. That’s called “The Common Sense Legal Reform Act”. If that seems a little harsh, don’t worry, your tax cut will more then make up the difference!
“The Citizen Legislature Act” is an attempt to get rid of the “career politician”. There are two main problems with this legislation. Firstly, the people should always be allowed to vote for the politician they consider the most qualified. Secondly, it was voted on by career politicians. Unfortunately, no tax incentive or tax credit can compensate a man for a lifetime of tobacco money. Of all the things in the contract, this is the one that seems the most doomed to fail, and that’s just sad. The restored version of this bill, the New Citizen Legislature Act, requires the citizenry at large to have absolutely no say in legislation.
I’M GONNA START ME A ARMY
Okay, let’s see...I have my orange flak jacket. I’ve got my “I Like Beer” bumpersticker and a canteen full of Jack Daniels. I’m sporting a “No Fat Chicks” t-shirt, a button expressing my hatred of “Fags”, and a copy of the Bible with the Book of Revelations properly highlighted. I think I’m ready to start my very own militia group!
This, of course, is exactly what’s wrong with America: not enough morons own guns and not enough backwoods yokels have developed a God complex.
There’s no need to fear, however. The spirit of Davy Crockett, Daniel Boone, Randy Weaver and the rest of them great Americans is alive and well and adhering to the Second Admendment as we speak. Last week in Kansas, members of militia groups from across this great country of ours got together to map out a plan to take over this great country of ours I know I feel secure just thinking about this country being taken over by a self-proclaimed libertarian pissed off because he was laid off from the Tennessee fireworks factory where he worked. It’s about time to put the country back in the hands of the people. Because if you thought the economy was bad before, just wait until the only thing the US has to offer in the way of export is moonshine and chewing tobacco, or “tabacky” in the militia vernacular.
I am certainly not saying we shouldn’t have militia groups in this country. After all, there’s a lot of money to be made in the selling of khaki vests and subscriptions to Soldier of Fortune magazine. But the idea that these DNA-lite jackasses are getting “organized” does not bode well for the rest of us who would like to live our lives in a car-bomb-free environment.
The militia convention, or the “Third Continental Congress” was held in a hotel in Kansas City and included more than 20 “delegates” from all over the US of A, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulfstream Waters. Some of the “delegates” to the convention claimed that they have to educate people so that the forming of a provisional government would not scare people. Yeah, that’s the problem: we’re not educated enough about them. Once we realize that a group of freaks -- who are so inbred that some of them are their own fathers -- wants to form a new government with themselves at the helm, we’re going to feel as safe as a newborn babe. I have always wanted a half-sheep/half-man as president.
Ray Southwell, the founder of the Northern Michigan Regional Militia and the brain behind the convention said of the effort to unite multiple militia groups, “If we do not come together, we will have anarchy.” Good point. What we need is organized acts of terrorism like the Oklahoma City bombing, which wasn’t anarchistic in the least.
Okay, here is a crazy idea for my own militia group: the Freepeople. People who are free. People who still have the right to vote for instance. I don’t want to be too reactionary, but maybe we can stage a massively violent voting. Because when less than 50% of the populace votes, less than half the populace has a right to run their mouths. At the very least try voting a couple of times?! Hey, if it doesn’t work, then I’ll be the first one to pick up arms. I won’t wear an orange flak jacket though, because rebellion or no, let’s not forget style.
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