The IPROP Article

The following is the daily entries of the writers, editors, and publishers of excerpted from the logs of Second City News, an online news parody show updated daily.


Writer’s Log: JB: 11:00 P.M. Time once again to log-on and take a look at my evening news sources to get some comedy ideas for tomorrow. Luckily there is a major airline disaster, because nothing says funny like death from above. In business I see that the NASDAQ is up two points and I have to take a break to keep from laughing too hard. In Weather I take note that a cold front seems to be moving into the midwest (possible “Twister” joke...Never was much of a Bill Paxton fan). Possible break in Peru hostage situation. Fujimori makes statement that he is will continue to do nothing. I am worried, though, because I may have seen one or two other shows do jokes about that before. Can’t remember which, though. In the end, decide to just make fun of Tupac Amaru, make a wacky gang$ta rap parallel. Benjamin Netanyahu makes major announcement, very complicated, something about total domination of all Arab peoples by year 2000. Not sure if there’s a joke there. Make fun of Rosie O'Donnell for being fat instead.

Editor’s Log 11:30 P.M.: Just got an e.mail from The Head Cheese, The Big Boss Man, The Grand Poobah, The Publisher and Executive Producer. Was hoping for praise and adolation, maybe one or two simple laudatory comments, instead get eloquently-phrased “suggestion” to make the show edgier. This is diametrically opposed to yesterday’s eloquently-phrased “suggestion” to make the show just the opposite. Moments later, I realize that the Publisher was reading yesterday’s show. Sigh.

Writer’s Log: JB: 12:00 A.M.: Go to sleep. Have nightmares about all the "comedy" in the news. Get image of Koppel’s hair in my mind just before REM sets in and fall asleep laughing. Dream I am chained to Larry King on a raft at sea and must endure him telling me how wonderful I am as he asks me asinine and obvious questions.

Editor’s Log 12:00 A.M.: While I was online, I sent an instant message to our semi-closeted, bodybuilding, kung fu fighting, insomniac researcher and he was still up, researching. Mind you, he’s in the office at six. Also, keep in mind that he’s on the new protein diet.

Researcher’s Log 12:00 A.M.: I think I’d like to eat a pound of raw ground beef and download more digitally-manipulated photos of Robert Conrad pitching hay in the nude.

Researcher’s Log 4:00 A.M.: Whoa! I never noticed that little subtle sting in this Judy Garland album and I must’ve listened to it a thousand times!

Writer’s Log: JB: 6:00 A.M. Get up for 8:30-11:00 news writers meeting. Question choices I have made. Maybe Sarin gas poisoning is not fodder for a knee-slapping one-liner. Eat Bagel.

Writer’s Log: JB: 7:00 A.M. Drive to work. Morons on road are pitifully abundant. Stop for refreshing Coke and bagel.

Editor’s Log 7:00 A.M.: Just got an e.mail from The Man. Loved yesterday’s show. Think I will skip breakfast this morning and head straight for the scotch.

Editor’s Log 7:01 A.M.: I’m all out of scotch. How much mouthwash do you think it takes to get a good buzz?

Editor’s Log 7:15 A.M.: [Transcribed from digital recorder in car] I’ll stop the world and melt with you. I’ve seen the difference, and it’s getting better all the time...There’s nothing you and I won’t do...

Researcher’s Log 7:15 A.M.: Finished pulling stories for the show. Good news day. Lots of horrible stories about innocent people dying painful deaths. Drink glass of raw eggs. Admire my physique in the bathroom mirror. Listen to Streisand’s latest.

Editor’s Log 8:29 A.M.: 8:30 Writer’s Meeting less than one minute away. Only one writer is here, and he’s not that good. Looks like a good news day. Couple of Clinton stories. Possible “He’s fat.” angle. Although, I wouldn’t want to step on the Rosie O’Donnell joke’s toes.

Writer’s Log: JB: 8:45 A.M.: Arrive for 8:30 meeting. Begin by ordering bagels from runner. (Note: stay away from chocolate chip bagel, not as good as it sounds.) Begin assigning stories. Hard News first. More news in John Dupont case. May be found guilty and insane. Point out how he kind of looks like Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull. Satire lives! T., (The Editor-In-Chief) is now reading story about Republicans’ latest plan to reduce Medicaid spending. Remember to look as if you are listening! If caught, say "Could you read that again? I want to be sure I have all the details." Make fun of Newt's name. One of the writers goes on tirade about Netanyahu story, so it is now resurrected. Move on to weather section. An eerie silence falls upon the room. My Bill Paxton as Dorothy joke dies a slow and painful death at the hands of the writers. Move on to entertainment. Rosie O’Donnell fat joke is a big hit, follow it up with Oprah and Michael Jackson. Many laughs. Sports: Wow, a guy gets big raise, a team loses on the same time as another team wins, player ejected. Lots of potential. (reminder: Bobby Knight throws chairs, Dennis Rodman has funny hair). Close out on Business and move on to three audio gags. The whole group is amazed to discover exactly how hard it is to do a Minnie Pearl impression and agrees to settle for Jack Nicholson mowing his lawn. Big laughs. Select pictures for each story. Things go well until we find out that no one can spell Christie Yamahgootchee. Settle for picture of Arnold from “Karate Kid”with cartoon ice-skates.

Writer’s Log: GE: 9:00 A.M.: I just had a great idea. When playing video hockey. Try more one-timers. They have a better chance scoring.

Editor’s Log 9:30 A.M.: Tech crew arrives for work and immediately says something they feel is insightful and witty. At best, it’s hackneyed, at worst, mind-bogglingly stupid. I try to cut them some slack because I fear they have a.) become one with their computers, b.) become one with the Borg, or c.) were even nerdier than the comic book nerds the writers were in high school. Either way, I get the feeling when we leave at night, there’s some kind of Tron thing going on here.

Writer’s Log: GE: 9:30 A.M.: Techies came in, started talking smack. I insulted them to make myself feel better. I’ve got a small penis, but have you seen my Porsche with the gun rack?

Editor’s Log 11:00 A.M.: Our bald, six-foot-four-two-hundred-and-forty-pound Hindu Jew Publisher walks in, talking way too loudly on his cell phone and smoking a cigar. He says something about “dominance heirachy” or some other inane, archaic, passé sociological theory from the Fifties. Then, he randomly fires our intern.

Publisher’s Log 11:00 A.M.: Hey! I think I’m going to randomly fire the first person I see!

Editor’s Log 11:01 A.M.: Put the meeting on hold. Talk Publisher out of firing intern.

Publisher’s Log 11:02 A.M.: Don’t think I’ll fire the intern after all. Maybe I should fire the editor.

Editor’s Log 11:22 A.M.: Have to yell at G. yet again for a.) not paying attention, b.) running his trap or c.) all of the above.

Writer’s Log: GE: 11:22 A.M.: Got yelled at again. Have to figure out something else stupid to do or say so I can stay in trouble.

Writer’s Log: JB: 11:38 A.M.: Meeting is now over, it is time for the writers to put the comedy together. The only bagel left looks to be made of hard-tack. It may be time to order lunch. A fight breaks out between the vegetarians and those demanding that the hump-backed little runner make an Arby’s run. A third renegade Thai food faction forms and lunch does not get officially ordered until 1:00 p.m.

Writer’s Log: PG: 11:39 A.M.: I decide to get a sandwich.

Researcher’s Log 11:45 P.M.: My job is done until it’s time to research the show. It might be a good time to catch up on homework for my flower arranging class at the Discovery Center.

Editor’s Log 12:00 P.M.: Just got an e.mail from the Head Honcho. He’s sitting no more than twenty feet away from me, and he sends an e.mail. Hey, I’m all for the digital age and all that, but...anyway, he loves today’s show. We haven’t done a show yet!

Publisher’s Log 12:40 P.M.: Hey! I think I’ll say something off-color in front of a camera crew today!

Writer’s Log: JB: 1:00 P.M.: Writing begins. It looks like the day will turn out to be very creative. The writers are all at their terminals creating jokes. The writer attacking the Netanyahu joke reads aloud his first draft and it seems he is really going somewhere. The researcher is acquiring whatever extra data may be needed and the tech people are busy preparing the visuals required to give the jokes added life. Meanwhile, I am reeling from combination of caffeine and cream cheese and am desperate for some food! Try in vain to make joke about flesh eating fungus.

Writer’s Log: PG: 1:28 P.M.: Time to complain about something completely insignificant, so that when I actually have a valid complaint, no one pays attention to me.

Writer’s Log: JB: 1:30 P.M.: Lunch arrives. Spirited discussion breaks out about who did not put in enough money to cover tax, which I am confident will ultimately make the stories that much better. Netanyahu joke needs to be edited a little. The word "*@#!*%$@!" used a little too liberally.

Editor’s Log: 1:31 P.M.: I think J.’s a little upset. We had to pull a story because he used “*@#!*%$@!” a little too liberally.

Writer’s Log: PM: 2:07 P.M.: I’ve been pretty quiet today. Only took two stories and haven’t finished them yet even though we only have an hour left on the deadline. I think now would be a perfect time to do some crazy character bit that interrupts and annoys my co-workers. Who should it be? The Nazi Bureaucrats? Fun Hat? Panama? Kinda Like A Robot?

Writer’s Log: JB: 3:00 P.M.: Crunch time. The jokes need to be turned in after the final rewrites and the Netanyahu joke has to be cut because it is 13 paragraphs too long. Luckily Boris Yeltsin is fat, plus he drinks. It looks like it will be another killer show.

Writer’s Log: JB: 4:00 P.M.: My day is done. Everyone is happy. The 405 is backed up all the way to Arizona. Question decisions made in life.

Editor’s Log 4:00 P.M.: Got an e.mail. You can buy a 36.6 modem for only $89.

Editor’s Log 4:05 PM: Just looked at show. A lot of good jokes, but some jokes that seemed like good ideas at the time, now seem like the last panel of a Bazooka Joe comic. Maybe if we add a fortune, we’ll have a show.

Editor’s Log 4:07 PM: Just re-looked at the show I just looked at. I just don’t know. Maybe I’m just tired and nothing is funny right now.

Editor’s Log 4:08 PM: Nope. It’s not just me being tired, that Rosie O’Donnell joke isn’t quite there. We know she’s fat, but what are we saying about the state of fatness today?

Editor’s Log 4:10 PM: It looks like I’ve gotta do some last minute tweaking.

Editor’s Log 7:45 PM: This O’Donnell joke is driving me nuts! Yes, she’s the Queen of Nice, we all know that, but there’s something missing!

Publisher’s Log 8:00 PM: Ah, my favorite meal: the souls of young writers. Perhaps for dessert, I’ll call my editor -- at home! -- and tell him how much I hated the show.

Editor’s Log 8:01 PM: Ah, my favorite meal: crow and a nice slice of humble pie for dessert.

Publisher’s Log 8:15 PM: Damn! My editor wasn’t at home. He’s probably out having a life. I guess I’ll have to dock his pay and teach him a lesson.

Editor’s Log 8:16PM: I’m still here. Nothing is funny anymore. Perhaps the compare-and-contrast chart of Rosie O’Donnell and Larry Storch from F Troop is the wrong direction to go...

Writer’s Log: PG: 8:20 PM: Ah, my favorite meal: the one right after dinner. I think I’ll fix myself a sandwich and then for dessert, I’ll have an ice cream sandwich!

Writer’s Log: JB: 8:25 PM: God, that Rosie O’Donnell joke I wrote today is funny. I hope it makes it into the show.

Writer’s Log: GE: 9:00 PM: Hi, my name is G. and I’m an alc..

Publisher’s Log 9:00 PM: Yes, O! Prince of the Air, Bringer of Light, I will continue to do your bidding ...

Editor’s Log 10:30 PM: I got it! I got it! We didn’t need this fool O’Donnell story anyway. We already referenced her in the Khmer Rouge bit. I’m a genius!

Writer’s Log: JB: 1100 PM Maybe tomorrow, I can do a follow up on that Rosie peice. Man, it was funny. Anyway, time once again to log-on and take a look at my evening news sources to get some comedy ideas for tomorrow. Luckily there is another story about Swiss bankers and Nazi gold and nothing says funny like jackbooted fascists.